Chapter 347: She

Today was an odd day. I woke up in a very good mood after going to bed in a very good mood. I was a little surprised by how good of a mood I woke up in, considering I didn’t fall asleep until nearly 2am and it was one of those nights where I never really felt like I went to sleep at all. I know that I woke up a few different times in the course of the four hours I was in bed. It was very odd. I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth, though, and went about my morning in hopes of maintaining my good mood. I did all my usual morning stuff then went ahead with doing my makeup for the day. In spite of my initial plans to not actually wear a look using my Sugarpill products until Halloween, I was just too curious about the whole thing and couldn’t resist. So, I did a really cool look blending the bright yellow, orange and red across my eyelid and then blending the purple out in the crease. I absolutely loved the way this look came out and this only added to my good mood for the morning. In relation to these products, though, this was the first time I wore them for more than long enough to just do trial runs of my Halloween makeup and such, and I must say – they are AMAZING! I did my makeup around 7am or so this morning, and didn’t take it off until after 7pm – 12 hours. When I sat down to remove this stuff, it had only faded slightly from when I first put it on this morning. The only thing I used as a base was original formula Urban Decay Primer Potion, the same thing I use for 90% of my eye makeup, and there wasn’t a single hint of creasing or wearing off when I removed it. Do you understand what that means? Let me reiterate here that it was 12 hours later. That is INSANE. It was enough to get me back on the Sugarpill site to order another palette. The one I have currently is called the Burning Heart palette, which includes four of the nine pressed shadows in the Sugarpill line – Flamepoint, Buttercupcake, Love+ and Posion Plum. So, this evening I went ahead and ordered the Sweetheart palette, which includes an absolutely gorgeous, bright pink called Dollipop, a very bold light blue called Afterparty, a bright green called Midori, (which is totally the color of my signature drink, the Midori Sour,) and a straight up white called Tako. Once I receive this palette I will have all but one of the Sugarpill pressed shadows, and I couldn’t be more excited about this. The only one I will be missing is a matte black, called Bulletproof. I can order that one individually at a later date, when I delve into the world of Sugarpill loose shadows, which I totally intend to do in the future. Loose shadows just scare me – I have never even experimented with them at this point. From what I understand they can do some really amazing things but they also seem a lot more difficult to work with. It is something I have been wanting to play around with for a long time now, though, and I think Sugarpill would be the perfect place to start, since I am pretty much completely obsessed with the company at this point.

So, I was ready with plenty of time to spare when my sister picked me up just before 8am. On the ride to work my sister told me that we had a client visiting today and for the rest of the week, which I had no idea about prior to this and had not at all dressed for. More than that, though, I hadn’t really mentally prepared for it, which became very evident by the fact that I was reprimanded right away this morning for having a conversation that was not at all appropriate at my desk, which is right within earshot of where the client was all day long. The conversation was not inappropriate in the sense that I was discussing something not safe for work but more in the sense that it was a conversation about something that gave a very negative impression of my views of the company. It was a shitty moment because as soon as I was called on my shit it suddenly all dawned on me – I was sitting there cracking jokes about the company while a woman who works for the company directly was sitting in a room, with an open door, about 10 feet away… and my voice carries. What a fucking stupid move! This definitely knocked my good mood down a peg but I was determined not to let it completely ruin it for me for the day. Instead, I retreated into my desk and tried my hand at a little songwriting. After all, I have found myself a big giant ball of emotions lately and I’m not entirely sure why. Unfortunately, the big ball of emotions didn’t wind up resulting in anything good in terms of songwriting and I wound up with three verses and choruses, none of which were all that great. I spent a little while drawing, which was fun and passed the time but didn’t really bring on any real results.

Okay, so the issue I am coming upon here is that there were two things that were kind of the main focus of my day that I don’t feel entirely comfortable discussing in such a public forum as this. As you all must have learned by now, I don’t really have any problem with discussing matters that are very personal to me, sometimes a little too personal, but it becomes iffy when the matters I want to focus on or matters that are a major focus of my day involve other people and issues relating to them. I am perfectly fine to air out all of my dirty laundry and discuss the issues that I may have openly like this, otherwise why would I even write in this blog? I don’t feel as fine with airing the dirty laundry of others, though. So, I am going to discuss these things as best I can without making any major implications or giving any real indication of who I am talking about. The first thing is that there was a situation that arose somewhat out of the blue last week and has escalated really quickly into a full-blown “thing.” It is a very positive thing, as far as I am concerned, and I am very happy for all of the parties involved because it is a really great thing for them all and it makes me happy to see them happy. On the other hand, though, now that the ball has gotten rolling and these positive things are happening for these other people, I find myself beginning to consider what all of it means for me. It led to some slightly awkward moments today, which I am pretty sure were only in my head, and left me feeling a little strange throughout much of the day. I don’t know how to explain it exactly – I am not feeling jealousy or anything like that but I am feeling a sense of, “Hey, wait! What about me?” I know that this is, of course, simply an act of my own ego. A part of me feels like perhaps I was simply brought into this situation with these particular people to make things happen for them and now I am simply disposable – of no more use. Like I said, this is simply an act of my ego and holds no more real meaning than that.

The other thing I was focused on through much of the day is a situation that began over the weekend. This is a situation that is yet to be determined as either positive or negative. Whichever it turns out to be, it is definitely one that I intend to explore further. I was kind of hoping to do a little of that further exploration today but it never happened, mainly because the person involved wasn’t really around. I mean, I saw that they were there and everything but they were never really in a spot where I could actually speak to them or anything. As much as I couldn’t really imagine it being the case, I felt this sinking suspicion that this was a purposeful move on this person’s part. I couldn’t really imagine why… actually, that is a lie, I could imagine a million different reasons why. It is just one of those things where I have no idea what that person is thinking beyond what took place over the weekend. That bothers me to no end. It is probably a good thing, in the end. I was beginning to wonder if I was kind of tricking myself into thinking more of the situation than there actually was but I discussed it with a couple of other people who were around at the time who were able to confirm my thoughts. So, who knows what any of that means? I certainly don’t. Like I said, I don’t know whether this is a positive or a negative situation but, either way, it is one I definitely want to explore a bit further. I didn’t get an opportunity to do that today, which I was kind of disappointed in. With these two different vague ideas of situations, unfortunately, my good mood was pretty well defeated by the time I got home. I was in a bit of a weird funk for the rest of the night after work. There is this whole other element to the day, the past few days actually, that I intended to take a little time discuss here – a strange, sexual sort of discussion. I think, however, that I am going to reserve that to be the main topic of tomorrow or another night’s blog.

In the meantime, there is one more thing I needed to mention. You see, as I mentioned, I was in kind of a funk when I got home from work and pretty much stayed there for the rest of the evening. However, something happened to change that. It happened as I was writing this blog, actually. As many of you may have noticed by now, in general, when I am writing in the blog I am also doing other things on the computer. Tonight, as a matter of fact, I was kind of dicking around on Facebook while I was writing. I know it’s dorky, and maybe a little douchey, but I have a tendency to quote song lyrics in my status updates. After all, it is quite often that I find lyrics that express the way that I am feeling better than I can articulate in such a small space. So, tonight I was quoting the song “She” by Andrea Lewis. Andrea Lewis, for those who haven’t been following the blog recently, just released an album called “54321.” This album was released in the same style as Simon Curtis’ brilliant record, “8Bit Heart.” She essentially just placed the album up for free download on her website for any and all to download. Now, I was familiar with Andrea from some of the work she had done in the past, like my favorite TV show of all-time, “Degrassi” and a few other random TV and movie spots. So, I figured this album would be worth checking out. It was about a week and a half ago that the album was released and it is pretty much all that I have listened to since then. It is one of my very favorite records to have come out this year and I could not possibly be more impressed with it. So, I was quoting some lyrics from the song “She” from this record, "It never really mattered that much to me, I always knew that you and I were meant to be, You never say her name only 'she,' so what the fuck is 'she' supposed to mean to me? She don't love you like I love you..." At the end of the quote I placed a dash and then the name of the artist, Andrea Lewis. I don’t normally do this when I am updating my status with a quote but for one reason or another I went ahead and entered her name as a link to her Facebook. In Facebook terms, this means that I tagged her in the post and it would show up on her wall. I didn’t really think much of this and went on about dicking around on Facebook and writing the blog. After a little while, I received a little message at the bottom of the screen saying “Andrea Lewis likes your status.” So, I went to that status and added a comment to the effect of “HOLY SHIT, ANDREA LEWIS LIKED MY STATUS!!!” then I added in a second comment, “Andrea Lewis, I like your status, too - your album is pretty much all I have been listening to since it came out!!” I was all thrilled with the concept that she had even read my status, let alone pressed the like button. After this, she took it a step further and posted a comment saying “Thanks! J” After being in a good mood and having that mood worn down throughout the day, this was really all it took to bring it all back. Not to mention the fact that I just happened to log in to my Twitter account to find something that I had mentioned on the phone with Rachel and found that not only had Andrea Lewis messaged me on there saying that she read my review of her album on the blog, and called it AMAZING, but I also had a message from Amy, the founder of Sugarpill Cosmetics, saying thanks for the great review I did of her products here on the blog and that she was glad that I loved everything! I was so excited to see this stuff and it kind of reminded me of something that I have always known but had maybe forgotten a little bit recently – I am fucking special! Seriously, even if the people in my day-to-day life who I am trying to get attention from or who I feel like are not concerned enough with me, there are people out there who recognize the things that I do. Many of them are people in my life but there are also people out there, people who I completely respect and admire as artists and inspirations to me, who also recognize the things that I do, as well. That is an amazing feeling! It is the absolute perfect note to end tonight’s blog on – so, I am going to end it right there. Goodnight.