Chapter 343: How Do I Deal

Okay, so I am, once again, writing Thursday's blog on Friday morning. It's acknowledged and I apologize... now let's proceed. So there is this song that was stuck in my head for most of the day yesterday. No, unlike the rest of this past week, it was not "Linda" by Andrea Lewis, in spite of the fact that I am still playing it non-stop. This song popped into my head because I was asking myself the very question posed in the song - "How Do I Deal?" "How Do I Deal" is a song that was released back in 1999 on the soundtrack to the film "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer." The song is performed by the film's star, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Before I move forward here, I do need to make mention of the fact that I am, and have been for a long time, a very big fan of Jennifer Love Hewitt as a musician. She has released 4 or 5 albums at this point, I can't recall which for certain right now, and they have all been at least halfway decent. I think she is highly underrated as a singer, because she has a very strong, clear, gorgeous voice - one of my favorite voices to sing along to, actually. I can, however, understand why her music has never taken off here in America, (& most other countries, aside from Japan, as far as I am aware.) If you were to actually sit down and listen to any one of her albums you would find a handful of really strong, catchy, coherent & heartfelt songs combined with another handful of songs that are really kind of cheesy and dumb, but also really catchy & fun. I enjoy those cheesy, dumb songs because they are upbeat & fun to sing along with but I can understand why most people would hear them and be like, "what the fuck is this ear rape?!" In any sense, I definitely recommend at least checking out her last album, "BareNaked," because it is the best of all the records she has released & really includes some true gems.

As I mentioned, I had the song "How Do I Deal" stuck in my head all day yesterday. This is one of my favorite songs of all-time, and one that I have always found myself relating to in one way or another in life. The lyrics of this song are pretty universal, with a chorus that says, "How do I deal with you? How do I deal with me when I don't even know myself or what it is you want from me? How do I deal with us? How do I know what's real when I don't even trust myself or what it is I feel? How do I deal?" It's an excellent series of questions she is asking right there - how do I know what's real? Because, right now, I really don't trust myself or my feelings. So, how do I sort out what any of it is supposed to mean, which feelings are genuine and such when I can't even really trust what I am feeling? It makes life a really difficult journey when this is the case. I mean, just yesterday I was telling my Mom about how the only one you can really trust completely, at the end of the day, is yourself - but what do you do when you realize that you can't completely trust yourself, either? I have recently realized that I have been lying my ass off to myself and it's a really shitty feeling. How do I explain this? You see, I met a person and I was instantly attracted to them. We became friends and have gotten pretty close. My feelings about them didn't change, though, with being friends. I mean, they did but they didn't. If anything, they kind of intensified. Recently, I have come to look at this person in a very different way, which I told myself had changed my feelings about them. I have spent a good little while now telling myself, "No, I don't look at this person in that way anymore." This, however, is definitely a lie. No matter how much I tell myself, or tell anybody else, that I have moved this person into the "strictly friends" category it is simply not the truth. How do I know? How do I trust that? Well, regardless of what I may say to myself, I can tell that this is simply not the case by the way that I find myself thinking about this person, more often than you generally would someone who is just a friend. More than that, though, it is evidenced by the WAY that I find myself thinking about this person. It is definitely not the way that one finds themselves thinking about their friends, in general. I don't know what to make of any of it. Actually, I know exactly what to make of it... what I don't know is how to deal with any of it. This whole situation is not at all conducive to my achieving what I truly want out of life right now - to fall in love and actually carry on a healthy relationship. So, my feelings are really conflicting with one another and I can't figure out how to sort it all out.

Of course, the answer is what the answer always has been - I have to change the way I think about it and, in turn, change the way I feel about it. It is the simplest solution to any problem you may have in life. Of course the simplest solution is often the most difficult solution to actually put in place. I think that is the case with this particular situation. I know exactly what I should be doing but I have these pesky little things called emotions that keep getting in the way of my putting it into place. I know, though, that your emotions are created by your thoughts and you can control them by controlling your thoughts. Still, controlling your thoughts can be an extremely difficult process. The main issue with this process is that the emotions that have already been created by the previous thoughts you had can trick you into all kinds of silly things - like convincing yourself that maybe you shouldn't be trying to change your thoughts at all because, perhaps, it could all wind up working out. More often than not, if your natural instinct is that it won't work out it is most likely that it won't. Of course, in this case my initial instinct was that it would work out. See, there go my emotions trying to play tricks on me again... and, of course, I am falling right into the trap and sitting here thinking, "Well, maybe I AM wrong and this whole thing could work out in the end." It's so stupid.

I hate this whole thing. The issue is that, for me, logic and emotion never seem to tie into one another. One always wins out over the other and, more often than not, emotion tends to be the winner. The thing is, though, that the emotion is created by thoughts - irrational thoughts. So, if I am running around living my life based on these irrational thoughts, I am never going to get anywhere. These thoughts and emotions are created strictly inside of my own head - what I am really trying to do here is get OUT of my own head. These emotions are not conducive to me doing that, I don't think. So, I need to change them. I definitely need to change them because they are leading me to sit around and talk like a crazy person, ranting and raving like I am doing right now and have been for the entirety of today's blog. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT?! I'm kidding, of course. Jennifer Love Hewitt is not the problem, she is simply a reflection of the problem that already existed. So, yeah, I don't really know what to do about any of it. What I do know is that I WILL figure it out. I will figure it out and do it, and I will leave myself completely open to finding the one in the meantime - my perfect partner, my James Dean, yada yada yada - and everything will be fucking wonderful. I am sure of it.

So, for now it is already early afternoon on Friday and I am waiting for a big box o' makeup to arrive. Fingers crossed. Once it does arrive I will probably spend a long while experimenting with it and having a generally joyous time, as I pretty much always do when I am just getting experimental with makeup. It is really one of my favorite things to do in this world, which makes me really excited for the new blog that I am doing, which will be completely focused on beauty and fashion and makeup tutorials and reviews and such. I am really excited to get that started - I think it is going to be a lot of fun and something that I will actually be really good at. I am also excited for the other new blog, which I still haven't come up with a title for yet. No matter what it is going to be called, I am excited about it. For now, I need to go try to do something with this day. I don't know what but something productive! Have a great day!