Okay, so it is 3:20am right now & I am feeling pretty exhausted. Plus, it's been kind of a weird day and I don't really want to talk about it too much. I am actually in bed already, writing this from my phone. Because of all of this, I am going to try to keep it short. Like I said, it was a strange day for me. After going to bed at 4-5am last night, I woke up at 10:30am this morning and felt surprisingly upbeat about the day. As I'm sure was kind of evident, I was not in the best of spirits yesterday. Like I discussed in last night's blog, I have been dealing with a pretty frustrating and unsatisfying situation with a boy that I had determined once and for all in last night's blog needed to be let go. I woke up this morning with that in mind and spent much of the morning catching myself thinking thoughts of it in the way I had been before, then correcting myself. This felt pretty good to do because it actually made me really proud of myself that I was able to catch and cut off these thoughts as they came to mind. I spent the morning giving the house the cleaning it so desperately needed. First, though, I had to give myself a good cleaning, which also felt pretty necessary. I scrubbed down my bathroom, even cleaning the toilet, did my dirty laundry, took out the trash and picked up a little around the living room & such. All the while, as I was doing all of these chores, I was thinking about this boy, though, and catching myself when they started to veer off course.
This plan worked out really well until a little later in the afternoon when I heard from this person. I am not going to describe what happened in great detail here but let's just say that all of those thoughts that I had been correcting myself on all day long suddenly came rushing to the front of my mind and, fortunately or unfortunately, I got disappointed in this person in a pretty big, shitty way. What's worse is that he had just done the exact same thing to me another time recently. What is that old saying? "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." Well, shame on me. However, I was already feeling like I looked pretty pathetic after the first issue and this time was even worse. Fortunately for me, my affections are not a game of baseball - there is no third strike. It's just interesting how things happen - I made the decision to let this go last night but wasn't exactly sticking to that plan, so the Universe gave me a swift kick in the ass about it. I also have kind of come to understand exactly how I did this all to myself. This whole time I have been dealing with this stuff I have tried using "The Secret" to make things progress the way that I want them to, which is an automatic mistake because we cannot impress our thoughts upon others. This was a major problem that I had when I was practicing "The Secret" before. Also, all the while I was trying to use "The Secret" to generate the things that I wanted to happen I was leaving out one very crucial element - the part where you genuinely believe that the things you want are coming to you. I've never been able to manage that one in this particular situation, which is probably a good indicator that things were never going to work out properly.
While I could never bring myself to really believe that I was going to get what I want out of that situation, I have not had any issue with believing that my perfect partner, my Mr. Right, my James Dean is on his way to me. Even still, in the midst of my silly disappointment, I don't have a single doubt that he is coming anytime now. I have just lost any hope I had of this person somehow winding up being that one, which is fine because there wasn't a whole lot of hope in that, anyway. So, now it is time to really create a shift in my focus and simply keep my eye on the prize. I want to find my perfect partner - that is the focus I need to stay locked in on. No worries about this boy or any other boy who may pop up until I feel like I have seen some pretty strong signs that the boy I am talking to is THE boy. It's as simple as that.
In the meantime, though, like I said off the top, I am exhausted. I am having trouble keeping my eyes open long enough to finish writing this post. For this reason, I should probably go ahead and end it here. Besides, I think I've said all I needed to say and sorted through my thoughts and emotions about the day well enough. I'm feeling pretty well done. Goodnight.
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