Chapter 136: Sure Fire Winners

Last night, much like the night before, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. It was nearly 6:30am before I actually did fall asleep. I was in bed by 3:30am but for some reason I just couldn’t manage to fall asleep. I wound up getting out of bed and watching makeup tutorials on YouTube for a while and dicking around on Facebook and such, then going back to bed only to do the same after another hour or so passed. Still, I was determined to get up when my alarm went off this morning at 11:30am so I wouldn’t wind up staying up all night tonight, as well. After all, I have to actually go to work tomorrow morning. I have to get up and workout in the morning and return to doing all those things that I have set myself up to do every day, but have neglected recently. I cannot allow myself to fall into these patterns of neglecting the things that are important to me or are supporting my vitality in life, no matter how much they may seem like a nuisance sometimes. After the past week where we didn’t wind up fitting in even one workout, it is probably going to be a bit of a struggle doing it tomorrow. It will be well worth it, though, to get back on the wagon. This is something that is extremely important to me right now in my life and something that I am determined not to give up on. This is a funny thing about the way that I operate in life – it seems like most people have trouble getting motivated and have to fight with themselves to start things, which is not a problem I have ever had, whereas I have no trouble diving into things at all but have to struggle to maintain them. Whether we are discussing romantic relationships, friendships, my various creative projects, jobs or anything else, I have never had a trouble getting started. I think there is something in my head, though, that feels like having the idea and actually doing things is the accomplishment not actually completing things. I am really bad at completing things for some reason – I have always lived a life where there is nothing that I am unable to let go of. I don’t know why it is exactly, but holding onto anything at all in my life has always been a struggle. This is something that I am working on now because there are so many things in my life right now that I am unwilling to let go of – it is a struggle a lot of the time, though. This isn’t the time for a long rant about how messed up in the head I am, though – I am just fine in the head. All it takes is effort and, damn it, I am going to put in as much effort as necessary to live the life that I know I am meant for. This whole paragraph doesn’t even make sense, does it?

Anyway, I did wake up at 11:30am when my alarm went off. I felt as though I hadn’t really slept at all but I disregarded that feeling and went about my usual morning ritual of immediately brushing my teeth and using my Clean & Clear Morning Burst Facial Cleanser. I ate a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and watched a couple of episodes of “The Vampire Diaries.” “The Vampire Diaries” was the CW’s breakout series of the 09-10 season and is a very well-written series about a girl falling in love with a vampire. Yes, I understand the concept is tired but this series is actually really good. As soon as I started watching it I immediately thought, “Wow, this story is everything that ‘Twilight’ should have been.” Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the “Twilight” series, as evidenced by my rantings about “New Moon” last night and the fact that I went out and bought the DVD on release date, but I also recognize that there are a lot of holes in the plotlines of each book and the series as a whole. There are a lot of concepts that are extremely far-fetched and aren’t explained very well at all – “The Vampire Diaries” does a much better job of that. Of course, it has it’s limitations due to being an hour-long, weekly drama instead of a film but overall I think it is very well put together and written, as well as having a very interesting, bright young cast. I like it a lot. This is not really surprising when you consider the fact that this series was created and is written by the man behind some of my favorite works in film and television in the late 90s/early 2000s, Kevin Williamson. Kevin Williamson was writer and producer for such films as the “Scream” and “I Know What You Did Last Summer” series, “The Faculty,” “Teaching Mrs. Tingle,” and, most notably, one of my favorite television series of all-time, “Dawson’s Creek.” Though most of his work has been in the genre of horror, I have always felt that “Dawson’s Creek” was kind of his masterpiece. He just managed to find a way to really capture so much of the teenage experience in so much of his work and I have always had a deep respect for that. If you haven’t yet, I highly recommend checking out “The Vampire Diaries.”

After catching up on the past couple episodes of “The Vampire Diaries,” I decided to get dressed and do makeup for the day. My Mom and I hadn’t really made any actual plans for the day but I knew that we needed to go out at least long enough to go down to our local Sam Ash Music store to pick up some blank sheet music notebooks for my music lessons, which we did not get the chance to do yesterday. Let me just say, Sam Ash Music is a very large, disorganized place. It was very difficult to navigate in there and it didn’t help that the staff, although mainly consisting of very attractive, young musician type guys, were not helpful at all. I kept approaching people who then told me to approach somebody else and then that person told me to approach somebody else until eventually I found what I was looking for on my own. While I was there, though, I did get to check out some really gorgeous and extremely expensive instruments. They have this wall full of different guitars that were just stunning, in all kinds of different colors and designs and such. It was pretty awe-inspiring and I spotted this silver glitter colored electric guitar that I kind of fell in love with. Unfortunately, I already have a guitar I don’t know how to play so there is no use in checking out others. Once I’ve got the piano down a little better I would like to start taking guitar lessons, as well. After all, piano would certainly be enough to get by on but if I could learn both I would be able to do so much more. No need to get ahead of myself, though. Right now my focus is on the piano and needs to stay there. I was also really excited to find that a notebook of sheet music was only $3. I bought two, just in case. I figure I can use one for notes and such while I am learning to write music and such and save the other for once I actually start trying to write some music of my own. I keep thinking about writing my own music and eventually playing my own shows locally and such, and the whole concept is just such a dream to me right now. It is a dream I will achieve, though. I am already well on my way to it. I have also kind of been thinking a lot about song by other artists that I would like to cover in my local shows and have come up with a lot of different ideas. I’ve already started a list of songs that I would like to learn to play and kind of give my own spin to and am really excited to get to a point where that is something that I am more able to do.

Speaking of lists, this morning I began a list in the Microsoft Word app on my phone of different ideas for people to be featured on my new “Weekly Inspiration” show on YouTube. I have a LOT of different ideas for this show – so many, in fact, that I am having a little trouble figuring out which one to start with. I have broken this list into categories of what type of inspiration these various people provide, including music, fashion, film, writing, activism, etc. and have compiled a pretty varied list so far, which includes big name pop stars, designers, television personalities and such, as well as lesser know people like songwriters, directors, screenwriters, etc. I don’t just want the show to feature people who everybody is already aware of but I want it to also be a way to make people aware of inspirational stories and works of people they may not have known about otherwise. Like I said, though, I am having a little bit of trouble figuring out where to begin because there are so many different options and ideas and focuses I can take. It’s a lot to think about and I’d like to get started working on it sooner than later. I’ll get it sorted out, though. I am really kind of excited about the whole concept and really hope that people will take an interest and possibly take a little something from it all. We’ll see, I suppose. I just can’t decide if I should begin with bigger names and then mix in the lesser-known people moving forward or if I should go with a lesser-known name right off the bat. It seems like it would only make sense to go with a bigger name at first because that would be the easier way to draw attention. I don’t want to wait too long to mix in the smaller names, though, because I don’t want it to seem out of the blue. I don’t know what I’m going to start with yet, but whatever I do decide to do first I can promise it will be something good.

Sometimes I wonder if some of my blogs come across a heaping pile of self-aggrandizing bullshit. I wonder that about this blog I am writing right now, actually. My deduction, though, is that I hope it doesn’t but I’m not overly concerned if it does. I just feel like sometimes I talk about my own ideas and creative works in a way that implies I am TOO confident about my abilities. I guess they come across that way, though, because I am extremely confident about my abilities and if I am dedicating my time and my thoughts to something it is because I am confident that it is going to turn out well. Does it always turn out well? No, definitely not. That doesn’t mean, though, that my abilities are any less than I think they are, it just means that my work on this particular project hasn’t panned out as well as intended. Adam Lambert has a song on his album called “Sure Fire Winners” that I can relate to a lot – it’s basically a song about being confident in yourself and your abilities, and about not giving up on yourself and your dreams. It’s about pushing the envelope and pushing yourself to the brink in order to achieve what you want out of life. This song has been a big inspiration to me lately. I feel like I am one of those “Sure Fire Winners” that he is talking about in the song – I am one of those people who is going to push every limit I come across in order to get to where I want to be in life. Adam Lambert has been my big inspiration for the day, honestly. I spent a little while this afternoon going through the variety of random interviews, appearances and performances of his that I have saved on my DVR to gather a bit of inspiration. I wasn’t necessarily looking to be inspired for any sort of creative project or anything, just looking for a little personal inspiration. Adam is a big personal inspiration for me, as is Gaga, who I also watched quite a bit of today. It was interesting to me, though, thinking about the fact that I have saved all of these interviews and appearances on the DVR, (from both Adam and Gaga,) and gone back and watched them quite a bit when I am feeling in need of some inspiration. Gaga talked in her Oprah interview about the fact that she has a lot of materials and references and such that she keeps on her computer for inspiration – I wasn’t entire sure what these materials or references were exactly, but I wonder if it isn’t something similar. I mean, I wouldn’t think that she has appearances from other artists or anything, but I wonder if it isn’t video and performance footage and stuff from the artists that inspire her. I don’t know but I appreciate the fact that she is providing me with so much inspiration, both personally and creatively, and I hope to be able to do the same for somebody else someday.

One thing I noticed in one of Adam’s interviews that I had obviously heard before but had forgotten or not paid attention to before, is the fact that he talked about how fat he was when he was younger. I found that hugely inspiring because I am on a journey to achieve the same type of weight loss that he did right now. Another favorite artist of mine, Tyson Ritter from the All-American Rejects, has a similar backstory of having been really big and managing to lose the weight and get down to having a really hot body. I find that type of thing hugely inspiring right now because I am really trying to get there, as well. I also watched this show this afternoon, a new series on VH1, called “TRANSform Me.” This show features a group of gorgeous trans-gendered women giving makeovers to people who have lost a good deal of weight but have not gained the confidence to really shine. I found this show extremely inspiring not only because of it’s content but because it is the first show I can remember seeing on a mainstream cable network really highlighting the stories of these trans-gendered women and the transitions they have undergone in their lives, as well as showing them kind of “paying it forward” to people who have undergone similar, (albeit VERY different,) transformations in their own lives. It is kind of silly and over-the-top but it is the first time I have ever seen such a positive, upbeat portrayal of the trans-gendered community on mainstream cable television and I think it is absolutely incredible and momentous that this show is on the air. Now that the gay/lesbian/bisexual communities have gained such visibility and acceptance from the mainstream media it only seems right that the next step is trying to raise awareness and create the same type of visibility and acceptance for the trans-gendered community. Like I said, it is incredible that this show is even on the air and just goes to show that the GLBT movement has made an immense amount of progress in recent years. We’ve still got a long way to go but it is nice to take a step back and see the progress that has been made already.

It is now 11:49pm and I really should be getting to bed. After all, I have to get up tomorrow morning and get myself back on the workout wagon. I am kind of excited about it, honestly, as tired as I feel right now. I am also unusually excited to get back to work tomorrow. The only reason for that, really, is because I get a lot of my creative work done there, as well as studying and homework from my piano lessons. I intend to spend the first part of tomorrow working on copying the work done on the spare sheets of music that Viktor gave me in my past two lessons onto the first two pages of my new sheet music notebooks. If I am going to do well at all in either of those things, though, I should get to bed immediately. I am exhausted, as well, so I am looking forward to getting a full night’s sleep. I am ready to get to that full night now, too. Good night.