Chapter 131: I’m Gonna Make It Better

Today was another really boring day. It really can get hard every now and then to write this blog every day because there are days that I’ll go through and not really think they are all that uninteresting until the time comes to sit down and write shit down and suddenly I realize that absolutely nothing of note took place. I mean, it’s never entirely true but it kind of feels like the day as a whole was really not interesting at all. I hate days like that because they really feel kind of wasted. I really hate the feeling that any day of my life has been a waste. It kind of reminds me of a song from Jessica Simpson, called “Still Beautiful.” This song has long been a bit of an anthem of mine – the chorus really sums it up best when it says, “They won’t all be sunny days, life’s going to bring down some rain, but after it’s over I’ll be so much stronger for the pain, so even when I’m sad I’ll know every day I have is still beautiful.” It’s a beautiful concept and one that I remind myself of frequently. The issue is that, unlike this song is describing, it wasn’t a sunny day but it didn’t rain, either. It was just a kind of overcast, gray sort of day and I really do think that is worse. I almost feel like I’d rather be going through some sort of “rain” than going through some sort of nothingness. It just gets on my nerves.

I woke up this morning at around 7:40am to a call from my Mom, who was on the other side of the house in her bedroom. Apparently, she had woken up around 4:30am experiencing some severe stomach pains. My personal theory was that her body was reacting badly to our dinner from Whole Foods last night because it is so unused to eating things that are organic and not processed or anything. She mentioned, though, that one of her co-workers had missed two days last week with the same sort of stomach issues. Since she was feeling so badly, we decided not to work out. She didn’t even get out of bed to make coffee or anything and it became clear pretty quickly that she would be calling in sick to work today. I felt really bad for her, but at the same time I also felt a little bit of resentment at the money that would be lost because of this. Then I felt guilty for feeling that way. Fortunately, my Mom’s account works differently than mine does and she will be able to more than make up for the lost time with overtime on the weekend. It really shouldn’t be a problem at all, although it does suck that she will have to work more on the weekend instead of going out driving or going to brunch or whatever. It’s probably better that way, anyway, because that will prevent me from going out and spending a bunch of money. After all, I have to save a part of this paycheck to along with a part of my next paycheck to pre-pay for my piano lessons next month. The Allegro Academy has you pre-pay on your first lesson each month for the rest of that months lessons. I am already covered for March, but I already need to be thinking about next month’s lessons. Paying for the full month out of one paycheck is definitely plausible but saving a portion of it beforehand would be preferable. I am really excited for my lesson tomorrow night, too. Aside from getting to see my gorgeous instructor, Viktor, I am just excited to get in there and learn more. I have a good little handful of questions I want to ask based on the books that he sent home with me last week.

In the time where I normally would have been working out I sat around and dicked around online. One thing I came across while on there was my daily Twittascope, a horoscope service through Twitter, which read, “You have been swimming in the waters of your own emotions, but now you may be pulled up onto dry land. It's time to act on your feelings, rather than just experiencing them.” That stood out to me a lot because I definitely know that I have been swimming in the waters of my own emotions but I haven’t been entirely sure of what those emotions are exactly or how to act on them. I have been feeling very alone lately. I have feeling the need to break out of my emotional shell a bit and make a connection. I know how to act on those feelings but I haven’t been sure where exactly to direct those actions. There is this guy at work that I have always had a certain interest in and I have never been entirely certain as to why. I wouldn’t say it is a romantic interest by any means… okay, well maybe it is a slight romantic interest but I know that isn’t going to happen, (he’s straight, to the best of my knowledge, and has a girlfriend,) and I am still interested. He is hot and he is very quiet, but when he does actually talk to me he is really funny and interesting. There has just always been something about him that I have felt drawn to and I often find myself wanting to make conversation with him or make some sort of connection. Every time I see the opportunity to talk to him, though, I always stop myself. I’m not sure what it is exactly. I think I may be concerned that he will think I am trying to flirt with him if I talk to him too much, or maybe I am afraid that he won’t have any interest in talking to me – we are very different people, after all. I don’t know how or when it happened to me but I seem to have lost one of my favorite parts of myself – I used to be able to connect with anybody. It used to be the most natural thing in the world to me. I used to constantly be making new friends and meeting new people, and somehow I seem to have misplaced that part of myself. I think it may have to do with the fact that I have started putting a lot more thought into the people that I associate with. I used to be one of those people who recycled friends like fashion, (“six months, six months, six months,” as Karl Lagerfeld would put it,) and I am trying really hard to change that about myself. I think the issue is that in trying to hang on to the friends I already have I’ve wound up kind of closing myself off to new ones. The funniest part of that is that in closing myself off to new ones, I think I kind of closed myself off to the old ones, as well. What does that mean? Well, it means I am alone, which is exactly what I had set out not to be. Life is complicated.

Anyway, this evening after the work day had ended I was stuck there for about a half an hour waiting for my sister, who has to stay until the last agent is off the phone, and the guy I was talking about above and another girl who was waiting around for somebody else to get off. This guy, the girl who was waiting and I all wound up sitting around for half an hour just talking about all kinds of different stuff. It was probably the most I have ever talked to this guy, in spite of having hung out in groups with him socially and such, and it was really nice. It was just fun and I barely noticed how long we had been sitting there. So, perhaps I did fulfill my Twittascope. Of course, this was after an earlier attempt that did not pan out at all. There is a guy who I have talked about a few times in this blog who I kind of harbor a minor crush on and who was making it a point to talk to me at work and such for a while. We haven’t spoken to one another at all in a while, though, and I don’t like that. I have wanted to approach him or something for a while now, but haven’t really had an opportunity or a reason. Today he was wearing this shirt that was in a really cool, offbeat color that was very out of character for him and when I saw him outside on break I wanted to go over and tell him how much I liked his shirt and how well this offbeat color worked for him. He was with one of his co-workers but a co-worker who I kind of know, as well, and would be able to approach in front of. Still, for one reason or another, I just sat and watched and never said anything to either of them. It was really silly of me, honestly, but instead I just sat off to the side all by myself. That just makes me feel really pathetic and lame. Why do I tell stories like this on here? I guess because it is something that has stuck out in my mind. Please, anyone who may be reading, try to refrain from thinking me completely pathetic and closing the window now. Thanks.

That Twittascope also inspired me to write a song today – that line about swimming in the waters of my own emotions was just too good to not do SOMETHING with. It was a pretty decent song, if I do say so myself. It was definitely not one of my better songs, but decent. It’s funny, though, because I haven’t been writing many songs for a while now. It feels kind of strange to me because for years I have always said that I am a songwriter before I am anything else in my life; before I am 26, before I am from California, before I am a homosexual, before I am Jason Michalchek or even Jason Davis. Before I am anything else in my life, I am a songwriter. Having added so many new things that I am recently, (artist, photographer, fashion person, etc.,) I have kind of been concerned as to what that means for me as a songwriter. Honestly, I don’t feel that any of those things have really contributed to my lack in songwriting recently, though. I think that is more about the fact that I feel like I have reached a bit of an impasse as a songwriter. I kind of feel like I have gotten as good as I can get as a lyricist, which has been the extent of my songwriting experience at this point. Well, I wouldn’t say that I have gotten as good as I can get, but I have reached a point where that part doesn’t really require any practice or anything at this point – I have worked that muscle extremely thoroughly for the past 13 years of my life. I feel like I have reached a point where writing lyrics is simply not satisfying to me any longer without being able to write music to go with them. I am at the point where it is either learn to write music and grow as a musician, or wind up giving it up out of sheer frustration. Since I refuse to give up that, what I consider to be the most important part of myself, I have no choice but to grow and learn how to write music. Thank God, then, that I have started music lessons. It is extremely important to me to make progress with this and get to a point where I can write music to go along with my lyrics. I am kind of banking the life I have always dreamed of and the life I know I am meant to lead on these lessons, in a lot of ways. That is a very heavy weight to place on this whole thing, I know, but I am already aware that if it doesn’t work out there are always other options. I think it will work out, though. I had a dream about this whole thing I am talking about the other night. It was a pretty simple dream, about Viktor, my gorgeous piano instructor, telling me that he doesn’t want to work with me anymore because he feels like I am more of an artist, in the sense of drawing and such, than a musician. I know exactly what that dream was about, though – it was a reflection of my own insecurities about that exact thing. I spend all day at work drawing and working creatively in that way and haven’t devoted much time to music in recent months. I do feel like I am getting considerably better with the visual arts, and would be interested in taking some sort of art classes in the future, but again I don’t think that really is affecting the amount of time I devote to music. I just feel like I have become extremely frustrated with music because I have already progressed as much as I am able to on my own. These lessons could not have come at a better time. I am a musician, more than anything else. These other arts are things that I am really enjoying and definitely want to pursue further, but music is the real goal. Music is, after all, the source of all of the others for me. It is at the core of every single part of me and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen for me, even if it means sacrificing any other form of art I am practicing currently. I don’t think it will come to that, though.

It is after midnight now and my Mom just told me a little while ago that she is finally feeling better, so I think she will be okay to go to work tomorrow. I don’t know if she will be feeling up to working out in the morning, but I am glad she is feeling better, either way. One last thing I want to mention before I go is that the new record from She & Him leaked today. She & Him is the musical collaboration between M. Ward and one of my absolute favorite actresses, Zooey Deschanel. Their debut album, “Volume One” was completely brilliant and one of my favorite records of 2008 and I have been very anxious to hear their new record, “Volume Two.” Well, this album wound up leaking today and I have to say, it is every bit as good as the first record. Upon first listen, this one wasn’t quite as immediate as the previous one, but it is definitely a brilliant record. I just love the classic, early 60s sound that they have and Zooey Deschanel is even more talented as a songwriter than she is as an actress, in my opinion. This album continues on with that same early 60s sound and has some really gorgeous tracks. My personal favorites would be the first single from the album, “In The Sun,” as well as “Thieves,” “Don’t Look Back,” “Lingering Still,” “Home,” “Sing” and the albums finale, “If You Can’t Sleep.” Like I said, it is another really gorgeous album much like the first one. My favorite track on the album, of them all, is probably “I’m Gonna Make It Better,” which is basically a song about how we repeat patterns in our lives and how things come full circle for us all, and trying to stop these patterns before they repeat and make your life better – a topic I can definitely relate to at this junction. As I said, though, this is a really gorgeous album and I highly recommend it to everybody. It’s fun, offbeat and spunky but still has a clearly defined message and statement to make. I love that in music. In fact, since it is 12:15am now, I think I am going to go to bed and put this record on again as the soundtrack to me sleep. Good night.