Chapter 116: Pirate Bones

Today. What is there to be said about today? I guess I’ll start from the beginning. In fact, I’ll do one better and give a little bit of a prequel. Last night I wound up getting into bed at 12:30am and was having a little trouble getting my head to stop long enough for me to fall asleep. I found this really strange because I actually felt pretty exhausted and had since something like 7pm yesterday evening. For one reason or another, though, I just couldn’t get to sleep. First, I was playing solitaire on my cell phone for a while. Then I created a playlist to workout to this morning. Then I decided to lay my head down and close my eyes and actually try to sleep, at which point I began fixating on my parasailing experience. Last summer, for my friend Kessler’s birthday, we decided to go parasailing. It was a lovely day and my sister and her girlfriend went out with us for the boat ride and it all seemed perfectly fine and normal. Then I got about 50 feet in the air and the parasail somehow broke and I went hurtling into the ocean. I broke a couple teeth and was pretty banged up, but it wasn’t anything too severe and I really didn’t think much of it as it happened. After the fact, however, it really set in. Had the parasail held out just moments longer, I could have died. It is pretty scary to think about, honestly, and really serves to remind me that I am here for a reason. Still, every now and then, mostly when I am going to bed at night, it will pop into my head and I will be kind of overcome with this feeling of terror. It doesn’t happen THAT often anymore but it’s certainly not a pleasant experience when it does. Like I said, that thing was traveling really fast and just a few moments longer and I could have been dead or seriously injured. It really is yet another piece of evidence that the Universe is working in my favor. Still, last night I had gotten caught up in thoughts of that whole experience and it kept me awake for quite a while. It was one of those nights where my alarm went off and I felt as if I never actually fell asleep. Like, I never noticed that I fell asleep at any point. Still, I felt surprisingly upbeat when I woke up this morning. I was slightly congested or “stopped up” in my head, but aside from that I was feeling pretty decent.

I got up and brushed my teeth, used my Clean & Clear Morning Burst facial cleanser and sat down to a cigarette and a cup of coffee. By the time I finished just one cigarette, I realized it was already 8am. 8am is our unofficial, unspoken designated workout time. I went out to the living room with my iPod speakers and set it up to shuffle the playlist I had thrown together last night. After my Monica kick last night, I was really kind of in the mood for some R&B divas to workout to this morning, so I threw together this playlist of fabulous urban dance music. It included “Just Fine” by Mary J. Blige, “Sweet Dreams” by Beyonce, “Fergalicious” by Fergie, “Rude Boy” by Rihanna and a variety of other hot R&B dance tracks by Missy Elliott, Monica, Brandy, Jennifer Hudson, Kristinia Debarge, Keri Hilson, Black Eyed Peas, etc. It worked out really well for the workout. It was a pretty intense workout today. I don’t know if it was the fact that I hadn’t done it in a week or the fact that I was so congested or what, but it really wore me out this morning. I also pushed myself harder than I have a lot of the times when we have done this workout. It was really good, but I was glad when it was over. My Mom and I discussed it and we both kind of agreed that we are really determined and dedicated to losing weight and have agreed to stop screwing around and really focus on it. My goal is to lose 6-8 pant sizes, so I can fit into some Calvin Klein jeans. As I’ve said all along, fashion is my inspiration in this whole thing, and it is the greatest motivator I can think of.

Speaking of fashion, I decided that since I had missed half of last Thursday and last Friday this day was kind of my “comeback” at work and I should dress accordingly. I wore the white Kenneth Cole polo shirt I had picked up at Burlington a couple weeks ago with black slacks and my dress shoes. I wore my green Maybelline eyeshadow duo, Ivy Icon, with the black/gold glitter Christian Siriano shadow I got for a really light but serious look on my eyes, and I felt like I was looking pretty damn fabulous. Of course, it didn’t take long for my Mom to point out that you could clearly see my nipples through my shirt. I didn’t care, though. I figure there is nothing wrong with being slightly “provocative” every now and then. I am kidding of course, but I figured it wasn’t noticeable enough to change. Besides, the Kenneth Cole polo is gorgeous and I really wanted to wear it, so I threw caution (not to mention my nipples) to the wind and left the house. I didn’t even take a jacket with me today, which I discovered on my lunch break was a terrible idea as I was freezing and my nipples were then poking out. Oh well, though, I still looked good. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel very good. My congestion only got worse as the day wore on and the effects of the bad night of sleep set in pretty quickly after I got to work. I will just say, it wasn’t the best day ever.

After finishing “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less” last week, I started reading a book called “The Secret.” Not “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, which I have based a good chunk of my life around, but “The Secret” by Michael Berg, of the Berg family who founded the Kabbalah Centre International. Of course, Michael Berg’s “The Secret” is a pretty similar concept to Rhonda Byrne’s, except less self-serving. Basically, it discusses focusing on the things we want out of life but that in order to achieve those things we have to transform ourselves into beings of sharing, and as we share with others the Creator or the Universe will share with us. I like this idea much more than Rhonda Byrne’s because it just seems like there has to be some sort of accountability in life and we can’t just be focused solely on ourselves when there is so much going wrong in the world. This concept kind of ties in with the book I started reading today after finishing “The Secret.” “The Science Of Getting Rich” by Wallace Wattles. This is the book that actually inspired Rhonda Byrne to write “The Secret” and basically expresses the exact same concept as “The Secret,” except it is solely based on money. Again, unlike Rhonda Byrne’s “The Secret,” this book does encourage charitable acts and, even more, advises that money is there to help us to become the best versions of ourselves we can possibly be, and becoming our very best is the best way that we can make a difference in this world. One thing that I find very inspiring about this book is how much it discourages competitiveness. It seems like people have a tendency to get so focused on competing with each other and really get caught up in the concept of, “if this person gets this money/attention/whatever else, that means there is less for me to have.” This book basically teaches that there is no limit to what can be had out there and there is no need for us to feel any form of envy or competition with others, or any ill will towards those who have good things happen to them. I love that whole idea, although I will admit, it is something I still have a good deal of work to do on. It really reminds me of this song by Natasha Bedingfield, called “Pirate Bones,” that says, “It's not worth having if it's too much to hold, You can dig so deep that you're left with a hole, Thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold. Don't wanna end up like pirate bones, What I thought was precious was just a pile of stones, I might have the treasure but I'll be lying alone, Just a pile of pirate bones. If I forfeit my soul it ain't worth having, if it's something I stole it ain't worth having.” It’s so true that when we are greedy and fight tooth and nail for money or material things, they are really not worth having. This is one of the parts of human nature that I feel most urgently needs to be corrected. Of course, as Jewel said, “What we call human nature in actuality is human habit.” How do you correct the world’s collective habit, though? Lead by example, I suppose. Like the Dalai Llama said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Let me stop speaking in quotes.

When I got home this evening I did something I probably shouldn’t have, but that I simply couldn’t resist. I downloaded some porn. Not just any porn, though. Porn starring a reality star – not some unauthorized sex tape, but a reality star making the conscious decision to say, “You know what I’m going to do? Make some porn!” It was done with a big name gay porn studio and everything. Steven Daigle, who was on season 10 of one of my favorite reality shows, “Big Brother,” is now making porn with Chi Chi LaRue, and I am not going to lie here – it’s impressive. I don’t understand why more reality stars don’t make that jump on purpose. It seems like a much more feasible way to make the foray from being reality star famous to a much more lucrative and higher level version of fame. After all, for every Jacinda Barrett, (who went from the “Real World London” to legitimate and brilliant Hollywood actress,) there is about 15 Nikki McKibbins, (from “American Idol,” who successfully made her way into a spot on “Celebrity Rehab.”) It just seems like so few of them are going to make it in ACTUAL Hollywood that it would only make sense to take the short drive to the Valley where so many major porn studios are and make a name for themselves in that way. I mean, if I were on a reality show I don’t think I would make that leap but for people who are clearly “the type” and clearly desperate for fame, it seems like a really logical option. Anyway, the Steven Daigle porn gets two thumbs up from me! It was all very cleverly put together and he is just a really appealing guy, not to mention being hot.

So, I posted on Facebook earlier in the day that the most exciting part of this day was the fact that there was a new episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” on tonight. Well, after my Mom got home and we ate leftover spaghetti for dinner, we sat down to watch the new episode and found nothing but a re-run. That was enough to cap off this day. I already felt like shit, was cold and had my nipples on display all day, but not getting my RuPaul fix was just enough to make me ready for this day to end. I am really exhausted, actually. I took some Nyquil in hopes of waking up in the morning less congested and feeling better than I did today. I also intend to take some Dayquil when I wake up and hopefully tomorrow I will feel better than I did today. It is now 11:40pm, though, and I should really get to sleep. Like I said, I am ready for this day to end and to start a new, much better one. Goodnight.