Chapter 126: Twenty

Today was a pretty boring day. I don’t honestly have a lot to say about it. I guess I will start at the beginning, though. I woke up on time today, at 7:30am, and was feeling pretty decent. I got out of bed right away and brushed my teeth, washed my face and got a cup of coffee. I sat in front of the computer and smoked a cigarette and checked my Facebook and Twitter messages and such until it was 8am, otherwise known as workout time. I put on a random shuffle of Ashley Tisdale songs and got started on the workout. I have to say, Ashley Tisdale was really giving me what I need this morning. I don’t know that she was such a motivation for my Mom, but it really worked for me. It was a really good workout this morning. I don’t really think it went as well for my Mom. She has a tendency to have issues with pain in her knees and it seemed to be acting up pretty badly this morning. I felt really bad for her. Still, I felt like I got a really good workout and was very grateful for it. My Mom and I kind of discussed the workout music and she said she thought it could be cool to work out to some of the more upbeat group numbers from “Glee.” I was thinking of throwing together a playlist of them to workout to, but sadly it seems like they did more slow songs than anything else on that show. I’ll see what I can manage with that. After all, the workout soundtracks shouldn’t just be good motivation for me – we should both get something from them. When I think about some of the best workouts we’ve had, they have been set to music that we both really enjoyed and were moved by, like Adam Lambert, Kylie Minogue, Madonna, etc. I need to come up with more stuff like that to workout to. After the workout, I got dressed in a brown “Henley” style shirt with a light blue design on the chest and blue jeans. I decided to get a little experimental with the makeup and did a bronze/brown/blue combination that I couldn’t decide how I felt about for the rest of the day. I thought it was pretty awesome, but there just seemed to be something kind of “off” about it.

When I got to work, I found my sister sitting at my desk leaving me a note because she thought I was about to be late and she was going to leave a pissed off note about it. Fortunately, I was on time and that wasn’t an issue. She asked me how my music lesson was and I told her all about it. I figured this was providing me the perfect segue to ask her about next week, and so on. I said, “Can I ask you a big favor?” and she said, “Is it going to piss off my girlfriend?” I was a little taken aback by that question and said I didn’t see why it would. She knew exactly what I was asking and apparently her girlfriend did, too. I asked why that would piss her girlfriend off and she said it wouldn’t really, she just finds it annoying. I don’t really get it – she’s not the one I’m asking anything of and she is still at work at that time every day, anyway. My sister said it should be fine and she would talk to her girlfriend about it. This kind of put me in a sour mood early on in the day. I thought about it for a little while and later approached my sister and told her that if it’s going to be an issue, I could try to figure something else out. She said it wasn’t an issue and she would talk to her girlfriend about it. It should be fine. I feel bad, though, that it may be an issue. I just don’t understand it. I can’t possibly imagine why it would be annoying or anything else to my sister’s girlfriend if my sister drives me to my music lesson one day a week. Initially, I kind of assumed that her eye roll reactions to my music lessons were just a matter of her not supporting me in my pursuit of music – what else is new? If I had a dime for every person who doesn’t support that, well… I’d have a decent amount of dimes. If for every person who doesn’t support my dreams I had 3 other people who do… oh wait, I do! I feel really fortunate for this fact – there are a lot of people in my life who really seem to have faith and really believe in me and I couldn’t be more grateful for all of them. So, one person is having a bit of a fucked up attitude towards it? What difference does that really make? Not a fucking ounce. Sure, I find it annoying but I am not going to dwell on it. The worst that can come of that is that she may convince my sister not to drive me each week… That would suck, but I’d figure something out. I have had enough trouble trying to get started with music lessons – I refuse to allow anything to stop me from continuing with them. I understand that the roads we are destined to take are rarely the ones with least resistance and now that I have gotten a start on this road there is no way in hell I am about to stop. I have done that far too many times before. I am getting older. The iron is already cooling off – I need to strike immediately.

It kind of reminds me of a song by Natalie Imbruglia, called “Twenty.” The song says, “Twenty cities have passed me by, Keep finding treasures I don't want to find, But I've stolen and I've crossed the line and I want you, I want you, Twenty seconds and you could be gone, You shine brighter than the morning sun, You think its over but its just begun, and I want you, I want you.” Sure, it would seem that Natalie Imbruglia is singing about a lover or some important person in her life, but to me those lyrics are all about music. I feel like I’ve been trying so hard for so long to make any sort of progress and finally here I am, taking the steps I know I need to be taking but knowing that even the slightest thing could possibly take it all away. I know this because it has happened before. The chorus of the song goes on to say, “Tell me where I'm heading, Tell me that I can be there soon, Somewhere I’ve forgotten, I'll die a little more for you, When everything is broken, There's a piece I’ll never use, I keep finding reasons to die a little more for you.” Again, it sounds pretty accurate of my feelings about my dreams of making music. Liz Phair also has a song that says, “Sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave.” The first time I heard that line I knew exactly what it meant. I always thought, “Well, I hope it doesn’t end up that way for me,” but I have since realized that it IS that way for me. I wonder if it isn’t that way for every artist out there. No matter what you do, you are a slave to your art – whether you become the next Madonna or Gaga, or if you spend your entire life chasing it. You are always a slave to your art. I am eternally a slave to music. I wouldn’t have it any other way. This is why I find it pretty upsetting when people don’t support me in it. I can understand their views on the matter and such, but it just means everything to me. I cannot let anything stand in my way. Fortunately, it does seem like my sister is pretty supportive of this whole thing and was pretty reassuring that she would be fine to take me to my lessons. She has strange methods a lot of the time, but I do know that my sister always wants me to be happy and will do whatever she can to help me in pursuit of what makes me happy. I am so grateful for her and for her support. Just in case, though, I am also going to start giving her some gas money for it, so at least I am making a contribution. It only seems right.

I spent the first part of the day at work doing the homework that Viktor gave me last night. I don’t know if I mentioned in last night’s blog, but he did give me some homework. As I did mention in last night’s blog, the first lesson was mainly focused on learning about how to identify notes and write them on sheet music. He sent me home with a couple of songbooks and gave me a couple pages to read and mark which notes were shown on the sheet music. He also sent me home with a blank page as a guide, of sorts, to write each note, C-B on so I would not only know how to identify them but know how to write them down myself. This morning at work I marked all of the notes in the book and filled the blank page he gave me with all of the notes. It was pretty cool and a very good way to pass a little bit of time at work. Plus, I was pretty impressed with the fact that I could kind of determine what the music would sound like just looking at the music on the page. I felt kind of like a real artist, music-wise, and was really kind of proud of myself. I just really feel like, as I have said a few times already in this blog, like the life I know I am meant to lead is slowly but surely taking shape before me. It’s an amazing feeling, really, and I am trying my best to fight my natural instinct to be kind of terrified. I don’t understand why we, as humans, have this natural instinct to be afraid of happiness and pride and all of our really positive feelings. It’s as if as soon as we start feeling good about ourselves and about our lives we have to immediately become afraid that it is going to go away. I guess the reason for that is because so often when we have those really great, positive feelings they do go away. Not this time, though. It is only going to get better from here. I refuse to allow anything different to happen. I am here now, and the only direction I can possibly head in is forward; not even forward, but upward.

After finishing my homework, I started reading a new book – the book that I mentioned a few days ago, “The Givers & The Takers.” My Mom had read this book ages ago and told me all about it, so I am familiar with some of the concepts in it, but I decided after talking to my Mom about it a little bit more yesterday that perhaps I should go ahead and read it for myself. I didn’t get very far in the book, honestly, but what I did read was really interesting. Essentially, the concept of this book is that, in relationships, there is always one giver and one taker. This book is focused on romantic relationships mainly, but it really applies to all different types of relationships in our lives. It really got me thinking about some of the relationships in my life and which role I fall into in them. In my last couple of romantic relationships, I was definitely the giver and the other people were classic takers. What is interesting, though, is the fact that in my friendships and even my relationships with my family members, I have more of a tendency to be a taker. According to the book, givers are extraverts who are more focused on the outside world and acting in ways that are more intended to satisfy outside sources. Takers are the opposite, introverts, who act in ways that are to serve their internal lives. Essentially, takers are focused on themselves and their own perceptions of the world and acting in ways that are intended to satisfy their own agendas and views on life. I think, in general, in life I am much more of a taker. This then begs the question: why do I have such a tendency to get involved with other takers and try to become a giver in my relationships? Why have I not been seeking out relationships with givers? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I suppose I will continue reading the book to try to figure them out.

The rest of the workday was pretty much a bore. When I came home I sat down and watched an episode of “The View” from earlier in the week, which featured former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura discussing his new book, “American Conspiracies,” which are attempting to expose the illuminati and all that stuff that Zeitgeist has already done. It was a pretty interesting interview because the ladies of “The View” basically spent the entire segment harping on him and his lack of patriotism, etc. I have read a lot about the illuminati and various conspiracy theories involving 9/11 and other parts of American History. I don’t know that I believe in any of it, per se, but these conspiracy theorists certainly make some really interesting points about a lot of things. I don’t think that Jesse Ventura should be their figurehead, though, because he is nothing but a joke to most people, myself included. Even when he was making good points during this interview, I just couldn’t take any of it seriously. He just came across like an asshole who was belligerent and spewing his beliefs at people instead of attempting to make them understand. It kind of reminded me of Michael Moore, who I agree with in most cases but whose methods I don’t really appreciate or respect. I think Democrats and left-wingers with extreme views who are unwilling to accept the views of the other side are just as dangerous as Republicans and right-wingers who do the same thing. Still, the illuminati concept is one that I find particularly fascinating, especially in terms of modern pop culture. I just find some of the symbolism that is to be found in some of the most iconic images of pop stars and such is far too much to be considered coincidence. It is now 11:55pm, though, and before I go into too much about this I should probably get to bed. I am having trouble keeping my eyes open here, anyway. If you do want to read more on this topic, though, I'd recommend a visit to Vigilant Citizen. They have a lot of really interesting articles on that site. Go check it out. Good night.