Chapter 117: Happiness

Remember how I ended last night’s blog saying how much I hoped that today would wind up better than yesterday was? It wasn’t. I woke up at 7:45am feeling pretty wretched and rushed in order to be ready to workout by 8am. I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face, smoked a cigarette and immediately got up to workout. My Mom wasn’t feeling the best this morning, either, and we both kind of briefly discussed skipping working out today. It was one of those conversations where we both kind of wanted to skip it but were trying to get the other to be the one to actually say it. Neither of us did, and so we wound up working out to the sound of Hilary Duff’s album “Dignity.” This was a good workout record but neither of us were really feeling it and wound up stopping early – I did the half mile and my Mom did the whole mile, in comparison to usual when I do the whole mile and she does two miles. I was still really congested and having trouble breathing so much. I really felt shitty, but not shitty enough to call in sick to work. After missing time last week, I have been pretty determined not to have that problem this week. I can manage having one short paycheck, but having my next two paychecks be short just isn’t worth it. Still, I felt like crap.

Kind of inspired by the Hilary Duff song “Stranger,” the opening track on the “Dignity” album with a very cool middle-eastern inspired beat, I decided to try a little bit of a middle-eastern inspired makeup look today. I used the deep purple Christian Siriano eyeshadow, called Royalty, on both the inside and outside corners of the lids, with a kind of bronze/pink Christian Siriano shade called Sandstorm in the middle and up along the browline. I liked it a lot. I wore a black Calvin Klein polo and black slacks, along with my black and gray argyle Tommy Hilfiger shoes, and felt like I was looking pretty hot when I left the house this morning. Unfortunately, no matter how hot my outfit or makeup was, I spent the entire day being told, “You don’t look so good.” That is probably my least favorite part about being sick – everyone feels like they have free reign to tell you that you look like shit. I guess the only part of being sick that I like less is the fact that everyone is right when they tell you that you look like shit. This is, of course, simply me being vain. I try to avoid being vain or egotistical, and instead just be confident – unfortunately, there is a very fine line between those two attitudes and I walk very close to that line. Sometimes I worry that I am falling to the wrong side of the line, but then I spend an entire day being told I look like shit or I get stung by a bee and my entire face swells up, and it brings me back down to earth a little bit.

Work was pretty uneventful today. I spent the bulk of the day reading “The Science of Getting Rich,” but I can only take so much of that book at a time. It’s a lot to take in. This book basically teaches that the only way to live a complete and fulfilled life is by having shitloads of money. I don’t really agree with that, but it certainly makes some valid points. The best point it makes is that in our society, money equates to access, and access is what we are all seeking in life. We are all trying to reach new heights in one way or another and, no matter what path we are trying to go down, we need money to get to where we are going. If we are artists, money buys us the supplies we need to create whatever our masterpieces. If we are intellectuals, money buys us tickets to travel, books to study and whatever else we may need to reach our higher level of education. If we are spiritualists or philanthropists, money allows us to help more people and make more of a difference in the world. Essentially, money is vital to all of our lives no matter how we break it down. I have always disagreed with the concept that “Money is the root of all evil.” Money can do great things for all of us. It is our own competitive nature and greed that is truly the root of the evils that so many people blame on money. I have also never been one of those people who put that much of a focus on money in my life, though. I don’t believe that money should be anybody’s main focus in life – money is just a means to an end. Still, it does seem to be a really useful means to said end. I don’t know – money is a complicated issue. All I know is that right now, I could really use more of it.

Aside from being told I look like shit and reading the book today, I also did a little drawing at work today. This is a good thing because I haven’t really done much in the way of drawing in a while, basically since finishing the drawings I was planning to submit to the t-shirt company. All I drew were a few flowers and a random pair of fairy eyes amidst them. They weren’t just random fairy eyes, though – they had drag queen makeup on! I had spent a little while before trying to figure out how to draw an at least partially realistic looking flower before and I think I may have pulled it off today. I was pretty happy with that. I really do feel like, after having felt so discouraged before, I am picking back up on all of my artistic endeavors. That is really a good thing. I even wrote a new song yesterday. The song was inspired by a story in the book “The Science Of Getting Rich” about a little boy sitting at a piano trying to play it but not knowing how to. When asked what was wrong, the boy said, “I can feel the music in me, I just can’t make my fingers go right.” I may be 26 years old and know a little more about grammar, but I AM that kid. That is exactly how I feel right now. Of course, that is exactly why I have music lessons scheduled for next week, as well. I am really excited for that, too. Much like the last lessons I had scheduled, it definitely makes me a little nervous and there is a certain amount of fear involved – what if I can’t do it? This is exactly what I need, though. If it turns out that I just don’t have an ear for playing music, it won’t be the end of the world. I will simply have to figure out another way. I could find other people who do have an ear for music and collaborate with them. “The Science Of Getting Rich” has reminded me, more than anything else, of the fact that we all have the power to create anything we could ever possibly want. There is no limit to what we can create for ourselves in this life – the only limits that exist in this world are the ones we place on ourselves. Music is what I am meant to do in this world. No matter what happens with my music lessons or whatever else, I will find a way to make it work for me because I know that this is what I am meant for and what I want more than anything else in this world. The only limits are the ones I have allowed my fear to place on me – no more.

This evening, after work, I watched today’s episode of Oprah and was extremely inspired by it. Today was her special pre-Oscar episode and her first guest was esteemed film critic Roger Ebert. For those who don’t know, which I was included in before today, Roger Ebert had a pretty severe cancer a few years back and underwent several surgeries and wound up losing the bottom portion of his jaw and mouth. He is no longer able to eat or drink regular foods or speak out loud. He has one of those generic voice computer systems where he can type things in and it speaks for him, like Stephen Hawkings has, and he did an entire interview with Oprah, including his Oscar picks for this year, using this machine. The thing is, speaking through this machine and not having the ability to close his mouth, he came across as completely joyful. He just had the most positive attitude and seemed genuinely happy with his life. THAT is an absolute inspiration and something we should all strive for. It honestly makes me feel kind of silly for allowing myself to feel down when I don’t hear from my friends or I don’t have a boyfriend or have to cancel my music lessons or whatever other things I let bring me down in life. If Roger Ebert can find a way to be happy in his state, I don’t see any reason at all why any of the rest of us can’t. Equally as inspiring is his wife, Chaz Ebert, whose entire life is now dedicated to taking care of him, but who still looks at him with such an immense love in her eyes. They are both true inspirations in this world, as far as I am concerned. That wasn’t all Oprah had going on, though – she also had Morgan Freeman on, who I don’t really care much about, Colin Firth, who I adore, and one of my biggest inspirations in life, Tom Ford. Tom Ford, for those who don’t know, was the designer for Gucci for 10 years and is the man responsible for making Gucci the standard and classic that it is today, and has recently made his very first film, “A Single Man,” a film that I have yet to see, but am completely obsessed with seeing. It looks amazing. Tom Ford was completely effervescent and inspiring on Oprah, just as he is everywhere else you may see him. In discussing the making of this film, as well as creating his Tom Ford clothing line, he speaks with such reverence for his own work. He really seems to recognize the brilliance and beauty in what he does, and I find that extremely inspiring. I find modesty and humbleness nice ideas but, more often than not, a little silly. I find it much more interesting and honest for somebody to respond to a compliment with, “I appreciate that and I agree, I worked really hard to achieve this.” Somewhere along the line society decided that being self-congratulatory was a negative thing, and I think that is a lot of what causes people to have such issues with low self-esteem and such. I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with being proud of and appreciating your own accomplishments. For somebody like Tom Ford, who works so hard on the projects he takes on, I believe it is not only healthy but absolutely necessary to take a step back to really appreciate the fruits of your own labors.

I wound up feeling worse this evening than I have before since getting sick. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but I REALLY think I should go to work. I don’t really feel like not going to work is an option. These past two days have felt pretty unbearably long, though, and it really feels like it should be Thursday or Friday by now, not just about to be Wednesday. It sucks, but I will manage to make it through. Unless I wake up tomorrow unable to move or something, I will get up and go through the normal routine – coffee and cigarettes, workout, breakfast, shower, clothes, hair & makeup, work. It will be fine. I am not going to wind up with two short paychecks. Even if tomorrow feels unbearably long again, it is only actually 8 hours and I will force myself to remember that. It isn’t ACTUALLY an unbearably long time – it just feels that way sometimes. It is after midnight, though, and I took some Nyquil earlier, so I should probably get to bed.