Chapter 120: Haven't Met You Yet

I’m not sure what exactly the issue is, but for some reason I have been putting off writing this blog. I don’t really have a reason to not want to write it, except perhaps that the main focus of my day yesterday was something I’m not always entirely comfortable talking about. At the same time, though, I kind of need to get myself to be comfortable talking about it. Love is an interesting topic for me because there is something in me that just won’t allow me to admit that it is of any importance but at the same time I can’t deny that it is… at least, it is right now. I have long said that I had no interest in dating or finding love or any of that because I have more important things to focus on, like music and art. I still consider music and art to be more important than love, in the romantic sense, because those will always be my TRUE love and I refuse to believe that any person in this world could ever mean more to me than they do. At the same time, though, what inspires music? What is 90% of the songs you hear on the radio about? What do most films and television shows revolve around? What is ALWAYS present in any form of art? Love. Therefore, I have got to stop denying my natural desire for the stuff and just allow myself to be open to it.

That being said, I recently read the book “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes or Less,” as well as “The Science Of Getting Rich,” and “The Secret” by Michael Berg. All three of these books have been a big inspiration to me in very different ways. One thing that all three of these books have in common, though, is that they all stress the idea of getting a clear idea of what you want and visualizing it. As far as love goes, I really don’t have a clear idea of what I am looking for at all. I can’t think of a better place to sort that out than here in this blog, (for all the world to see?) Before I go into doing that, though, let me talk about the events of yesterday for a bit. Work was pretty uneventful; boring, even. My sister had to work until 6pm, so she was able to give me a ride home instead of my Mom driving me home on her last break. This guy who works on our account that I have always had a bit of a crush on, but who is dating a girl and is apparently straight, had to wait around for a bus to take him home. My sister offered to give him a ride, as well. I just found it interesting getting the chance to talk to this guy on a more personal level outside of the workplace. It really is a shame that he is straight. After work, my Mom and I went out to get dinner and decided that we wanted to have Panda Express, which is all the way in Venice. It was cool, though, getting to do one of our long drives, listening to music and talking, in the evening and leading up to a delicious dinner. My friend Nate, (the one with the YouTube channel,) recently decided to try doing live shows, as well as his YouTube videos, and he did his first one last night on BlogTV. Unfortunately, this live show wound up basically just being him on cam and me typing and a couple of other unknown viewers not talking and making Nate get frustrated. Eventually, another chatter wound up joining the room and was very unusual. Nate and I were both kind of trying to figure out who it could be. He said he was a janitor and that he was bisexual. Of course, I started flirting with him a bit. After a little while, Nate got bored with watching me flirt with this guy and ended the show. Then the guy asked me to talk to him on MSN messenger. I was waiting to find out that this was somebody that I actually knew already who was just messing around with us, because I had posted on my Facebook account for people to come join us in the BlogTV chatroom. As it turns out, though, it was just a random guy who stumbled upon the room. He told me about how he was working as a janitor, as well as with a landscaping company, but how he was really aspiring to a career in the adult entertainment industry – not as a model or video star, but in editing content for an adult site. Interesting stuff. He also showed me a bunch of pictures of himself, in various states of undress. He was definitely hot – short-ish, dark hair, nice body, pretty eyes. I still have no idea why any of it happened, but it was an interesting way to spend an evening, anyway.

The interesting thing about that, though, is the fact that this guy kind of played into a lot of the things that I am looking for in a person to date. Physically I tend to be attracted to people who have dark hair but light skin, although dark hair and dark skin is just as nice. I like people who are shorter than me, in the 5’4-5’6 range typically. I like people who are very thin and small-framed but still have well defined muscles in the chest and arms. I like people who are young looking, in general – of course, I want them to be somewhere close to my age, but I like for them to look younger than they actually are. Aside from the physical, though, this guy also played into a lot of the things I want in a person. I want somebody with clearly defined goals that they are working towards. I want somebody who is also an artist, and who feels as strongly about their art as I do about mine – but I also don’t really want that person’s main focus, artistically, to be the same as mine. For example, music is my main goal and biggest passion in life, so I would prefer somebody whose main goal and biggest passion is something different than that, like photography or fashion or painting or something, otherwise there is too much of a chance that we will feel competitive with one another. I want somebody who seems to be genuinely happy with themselves, but is also constantly trying to make improvements. Mainly, though, I want somebody who will understand my passions in life and support them, and whom I can do the same for. This guy I talked to last night kind of played into all of those things, which is exactly why I am convinced he doesn’t exist. I’m kidding, of course, but I also know that he is not a viable option for me because he lives kind of far away and I’m not sure how much we actually clicked. Plus, it was just a random online chat – I don’t see anybody I randomly chat with online as a viable dating option. As far as the internet goes, I really do believe that people online don’t actually exist until I have gotten some sort of proof, like talking on the phone, seeing them on a webcam or something, or meeting them in person. I mean, of course that doesn’t apply to all people on the internet, but if somebody seems to good to be true on the internet it just seems likely that they are lying about stuff. I’m very distrusting of people on the internet, I guess.

So, I have basically, in discussing that random guy from Nate’s BlogTV chat, gotten a considerably clearer picture of what I am looking for in a dating partner. It doesn’t seem like it’d be all that difficult to find, especially considering all of the physical parts are pretty negotiable. I genuinely do prefer people who are shorter than I am, but wouldn’t be completely opposed to somebody who isn’t, although if they aren’t shorter than me I’d kind of like them to be taller than me. One extreme to another, I suppose. The thin thing is definitely negotiable because I do find myself attracted to people of all different shapes and sizes, races and creeds. Physically, I am pretty much open to anything, but these are just kind of my preferences. The non-physical stuff is the stuff that is less negotiable. The most important things I want, though, are somebody who can understand my dedication to my art and will support it and somebody who will be able to put the world into different perspectives for me, and who will allow me to do the same for them. I don’t know how exactly I will find this person, but I don’t doubt that I will. They are out there. I don’t think I have met them yet, but I’m pretty sure I will know once I have. In the meantime, I will keep my eyes, my mind and my heart open and just focus on my artistic endeavors. They are just as important and I will not allow them to fall to the wayside.

Speaking of artistic endeavors, have I mentioned how excited I am for my first music lesson on Monday? I don’t know what is going to go down in this first lesson, exactly, but I know that I am extremely excited to get started. I feel like I am finally taking that first step toward actually reaching my dreams of writing my own record and that is the most thrilling idea that I can possibly think of right now. I have a pretty clearly defined idea of what I want to do as far as that goes – which is definitely a good thing. Music is, as I said before, the single most important thing in my life and I hate the fact that I have let it fall to the wayside so many times before. No more, though – I am making this happen for myself, and it is going to be fucking beautiful. My Mom and I were discussing last night on our drive to Venice how we both feel like we have lived multiple different lives within our one lifetime. We change so much as people throughout our lives that it really does feel like the period when I was living in California, being a complete bum and doing horribly regrettable things to people I loved, was a completely separate life from the one I am living now. I feel like I am a completely different person than I was back then. I also feel like I am a completely different person than I was 5 years ago, when I worked at the place that shall not be named the first time. That was a different life, as well. 3 years ago when I was dating my last REAL boyfriend was a different life, as well. I was a VERY different person then… a CRAZY person. Of all the lives I have ever lived, though, I feel like this one I am living right now is my favorite. This is the one that is going to get me to where I need to be. From this point on, I’m sure there will still be plenty of different lives but I am certain that they are only going to get better from here. I am taking steps in this live to make sure that is the case. As much as I love this one, though, I really can’t wait to get to the next one.

For now, though, my Mom is on her way home and we need to go to the bank and get some brunch, or at this point I guess it is just plain lunch. I don’t really know what else is planned for the day but I am feeling quite a bit better than I have been recently, so I plan to take full advantage of it. Last night was a really rough night, as far as the sickness goes. I had a really bad cough. My Mom got some cough syrup with codeine in it from her doctor, and I took some of that and it helped a lot. It also helped knock me out when I was laying on the couch watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race” reruns. I had initially planned on writing this last night, but like I said, I was putting it off. I woke up around 6am this morning coughing up a lung again, and moved into my bedroom. My coughing woke my Mom up and she came into my room and gave me some more cough syrup. It was really kind of a sweet moment – like I was a little kid again. She even put the spoon in my mouth like you always see mothers do on TV and stuff. It was cute. I really appreciated it. Then, it knocked me out again for a few more hours. Like I said, though, I am feeling a lot better now, the cough is nowhere near as bad and, like I said, I plan to take full advantage of it. In fact, I’m going to go get started on that right now!