Chapter 95: Satisfy

Today was kind of an interesting day. I mean, it wasn’t all that interesting, honestly, but there were a few pretty interesting developments that came out of it. I managed to fall asleep by 11:30pm last night and woke up when my alarm went off at 6:30am. Unfortunately, waking up 30 minutes earlier than I did on Friday wasn’t a huge help, as far as time goes, because I also had to be ready to go earlier than I did on Friday. I got up, ate a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats and got myself ready for work. Unfortunately, there was no time for leisurely time in front of the computer or anything along those lines because by the time I was showered, dressed and finished applying makeup, it was 7:30am. My sister’s girlfriend didn’t show up until about 7:40am, and we had a nice little chat on the way to work. It was brief, but it is always nice to get a chance to talk with her a bit. Since she left our account for her new one, it seems she is always extremely busy and never has much time to stop and say hello. So, that was a nice way to start the morning. One other nice way to start the morning that I did not get to experience this morning was with a cup of coffee. This is a really sad thing to admit, but I don’t know how to make coffee. This is particularly sad because I spent a good 4 or 5 months of my life working as a barista. I know how to operate an espresso machine, and I know how to work one of those big, industrial coffee makers… but the little 2-cup machine that we have at home completely goes over my head. I just have no idea what I’m supposed to do with instant coffee or how much water is supposed to go in, etc., etc., etc. So, there was no coffee for me this morning. The thing is, I don’t think coffee really helps me wake up, anyway. It’s more a sense of routine than anything else. I did a halfway decent job of overcoming that sense of routine today, fortunately.

When I got to work they had me sign in to the Maryland line immediately and I did not leave it all day. I am really glad for that, too, because it made for a really smooth sailing day. There weren’t really many moments where I was without calls, but at the same time I didn’t have to get involved in any of the calls. It was kind of the perfect work for me and there were many times where I found myself thinking, “I wish I did this every day.” It was just a really nice change of pace from my regular work. I didn’t have a lot of idle time and didn’t really have a lot of time to get too involved in any conversations or anything until later in the day. There was a period right around noon, though, where I found my vision getting kind of blurry and I was literally seeing double. It was a really strange sensation and I felt kind of overcome with a sort of exhaustion/dizziness. I don’t know how to explain it properly, but I felt really out of my head and was having trouble focusing on things. I think this was a combination of being tired and the lack of caffeine this morning. I mean, I drank half of a Coke before work, but that was it for caffeine for me. This feeling lingered on until around 2pm when I took lunch. I had eaten one of my meal replacement bars on my break at noon, so I didn’t eat anything at lunch, but I did buy a couple of those little bottled Starbucks drinks and I think they really helped. I kind of caught a second wind after lunch and was feeling much better about the day. Then I noticed something interesting going on and I immediately knew exactly what it meant. My sister was walking around with a clipboard going to each person and writing down little things with each one. I overheard one of my co-workers saying to her, “I would, but I really can’t.” That was what really caused a click in my head. More overtime. Once she got to me she told me that it was continuing through both tomorrow and Wednesday. When I told her Wednesday was fine, but I had my music lesson scheduled for tomorrow night she reminded me that she would be there working tomorrow night and wouldn’t be able to drop me off at the studio. So, pretty immediately I knew I had to cancel tomorrow night’s lesson. Unfortunately, Eliezer has a 24-hour cancellation policy. This didn’t really effect me in a major way because I hadn’t pre-paid for any of my lessons or anything, but I was still concerned because I didn’t want to look like I was already breaking studio policies before I even started working with him. So, on my last break today, at 6pm, I punched out an email to him on my phone and sent it right around 6:15pm. So, I gave him a 24-hour and 45 minute cancellation notice. I also asked if I could just go ahead with my already planned lesson on Thursday and just have that be my first lesson, and then do another lesson on Saturday morning. I spent the last two hours of my day kind of obsessing over whether or not he would be pissed off over this and not want to work with me anymore or think that I am not taking things seriously. I didn’t figure that would be the case considering I had explained the situation with work to him in the email. Still, I couldn’t help but feel like it may come across in a bad way to him. He is set to play an important part in my steps towards my destiny and I really don’t want to do anything to screw it up.

Also on my last break today, I saw my Mom for the first time since Friday. We got lucky and were able to take our breaks at the same time, so she was filling me in on some stuff that happened over the weekend and I told her about some of the movies I watched over the weekend. She also told me that my brother’s girlfriend was having a housewarming party down in Fort Meyers over the weekend and she wanted to go down there and asked if I was interested in going, too. I love my brother’s girlfriend and we don’t get to see them very often, so I think that will be pretty cool. I am kind of looking forward to it. It’s been a while since I’ve gone out of town, too, and I think that this is a really fun excuse to do it. Although, this also means that we need to come up with some sort of housewarming gift. Those are always the worst kind of gifts to buy. What do you buy someone for a house? Buying a gift for a baby shower is always easy – there are all kinds of adorable baby clothes and toys and such you can give. A bridal shower is even easier, and a lot more fun – you buy them sex toys and dirty games and such for their honeymoon. It always gets a good laugh and oftentimes they will get some good use out of them without telling most people… except the one who bought them for them. It’s a win/win. They get to have dirty times and you get to hear all about them. Somebody’s house, though, is always kind of strange. I’ve always liked the idea of buying people artwork for their housewarming parties, but you have to know a person really well because if not you could just wind up giving them something that doesn’t fit into their decorating style at all. I’m not sure what to get for my brother’s girlfriend, but I’m sure we’ll figure out something great. I’m pretty good at gift shopping, for the most part, when I actually apply myself to the process.

Speaking of shopping, ever since my income tax debacle I have felt myself having less and less desire to do it. This poses a problem because working all this overtime I’m going to wind up with about $200 extra on my next paycheck. I initially figured I would put that extra cash towards paying my current phone bill so it would be all caught up, but when I told my Mom about this idea she really discouraged it. She said that she wanted to handle the cell phone bill since it is both of our phones and I paid the last one with my income tax. Honestly, I feel really bad about the whole concept of letting her do that. At the same time, though, I can understand why she wants to and she assures me that she would be able to afford it and still keep other important things like her car payment and such caught up. She has been doing a LOT of overtime and it has wound up paying off for her very well. Plus, she has said that she really wants me to spend that extra money on myself, not on bills or anything. That kind of feels really selfish and I can’t really think of anything I would want to spend it on, aside from clothes and even the allure of those is kind of lost since I had so much trouble finding anything to buy before. As I have mentioned previously, I would really like to go out and drop a good little deal of cash on some new makeup. I also think that clothes shopping wouldn’t be a bad idea, but if I am going to do it I should actually go out to a store, (like my favorite store, Burlington Coat Factory,) and have the classic shopping experience. I think that maybe that is more what I miss than the sheer joy of having new things. Maybe I will plan a trip to Burlington Coat Factory when I get that paycheck. I should also set some of that aside to pay for further music lessons. Those are probably the most important thing I am doing with my life right now and I need to make sure that I am able to keep them up. I mean, I can afford them with my regular cash flow, but it would be silly of me not to set aside a little cash for them while I have extra. I also think that maybe I should use a little bit of cash to upgrade my video-editing program, which is really not expensive at all and would probably be a very good thing for my work. As I mentioned yesterday, I made a video featuring some photography and music that didn’t come out how I had envisioned it. Well, if I spend $14.99 to upgrade the video-editing program that I have it would add a lot of features, like better segues and more title card options, etc. Basically, it would add a lot of things that would make the process of making videos and such much easier, and make it much easier for me to achieve the type of vision I have for them in my head. That could be a very good investment to make. Aside from that, though, I do think it could be a really good idea to do a little shopping. Maybe take about $100 and just go have a ball picking up some stuff that would make my day-to-day feel a little more gorgeous.

Of course, one of the problems I mentioned having with buying too many clothes right now is that I intend to be losing weight and it seems kind of silly to buy clothes for the body I have now. Of course, I have a couple of very good rationalizations for going ahead with it – first being that weight loss is a very gradual process and it’s not like I will be needing to shop in smaller sizes all that soon. Why not get some clothes that make me feel good while in the process? Also, the whole workout thing hit a major snag last week and is only continuing this week. I didn’t work out this morning because I had to get up and be ready for work by 7:30am. After today, that is the case for both tomorrow and the next day, as well, and it is unlikely that I will wind up waking up early enough to fit in a workout either of those days, either. My Mom and I have discussed it and we are both really anxious to get back into the whole routine of getting up and working out every morning and will get back to it on Thursday. Still, that is a delay that I hadn’t anticipated and was hoping to avoid another week of not working out as much. Next week will be better. I just hate saying things like that because, while it may sound like an entirely positive statement, it also comes across to me like making excuses and procrastinating. That is not what it is in this case, but it still kind of feels that way. I just hate the fact that I felt so gung ho about the whole prospect of working out daily and eating better but have allowed myself to be derailed so early on. I guess the thing I need to keep in mind is that I have not been derailed I have simply been delayed. Delays are perfectly manageable and I will manage these ones just fine. I am sure of it.

There is this song by the band Vedera, who I have recently fallen completely in love with, called “Satisfy,” that asks the question, “Is there anything left in this world that will satisfy me?” I find myself asking that question fairly often lately. I feel like in a lot of ways my lack of desire to shop, my procrastination for working out, my lack of connection with the people around me and my general feelings of loneliness are all my own subconscious ways of reminding myself that I am simply not satisfied with my life as it stands right now. So, what is there? What will satisfy me? Art, I assume. I just feel like, in a lot of ways, I am in a strange transitional phase in my life right now. I am in my cocoon years, I have decided. I’ve been a caterpillar all my life, dreaming of becoming a butterfly. Right now, I have stepped into my cocoon and am taking the steps necessary to transform into a beautiful butterfly. What is happening inside of the cocoon to make this happen? Working out. Music lessons. Exploring other mediums of art, like drawing, photography, filmmaking, etc. I don’t know what color or shape or form they will take exactly, but I know that these things are my way of building myself a pair of wings that will help me fly away from the life I have been leading and off to something so much more beautiful and momentous. Just like a butterfly. So, I suppose, to answer my own, and Vedera’s, question – yes, there is definitely something left in this world that will satisfy me. All I have to do is create it for myself. I am very excited about this whole concept and glad that I have managed to position myself to make this pair of wings I am building the most beautiful ones I can possibly imagine. Life is beautiful, like that Roberto Begnini film. It is true.