Chapter 108: Hard

As you all know, I have been having this problem lately about spending money. It is the opposite of the problem I am already well aware of and used to having – spending too much money. This is a problem I have only recently started having to deal with and am unsure of how to deal with. I can’t seem to find things to spend money on. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I can always find things to spend money on. The problem is bringing myself to actually spend the money on them. I don’t know what my problem is but I can’t seem to get myself to spend a whole pile of money like I used to. Perhaps it is because I have gotten used to not having a whole pile of money to spend, or maybe I am growing up and have finally stumbled upon a sense of responsibility. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. I mean, I understand that it is a good thing to be responsible and I guess I am glad for it, but it doesn’t feel great for me. According to Kabbalah, doing the right thing isn’t supposed to make you feel good and if what you’re doing does make you feel good it probably isn’t the right thing to be doing in the situation. I understand the sentiment behind that but it leaves me wondering – when are we supposed to feel good? If we’re not supposed to feel good when we do the right things and we are supposed to be striving to do the right thing all the time, then when are we supposed to feel good? I mean, isn’t it all about finding a way to feel good about life? Isn’t it supposed to be about trying to find happiness in life? If we aren’t supposed to feel good then what happiness are we supposed to have? I don’t know… it’s a complicated issue, I suppose, and one that I will probably wind up spending a very long time trying to figure out.

I woke up around 11am this morning and had a bowl of Cupcake Pebbles, then sat down in front of the TV. I can’t remember what I watched, which shows how good it was. Actually, I was watching the most recent episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” which I had already seen 3 or 4 times. It is just good enough to watch repeatedly and, since Logo plays it repeatedly, it kind of works out. Around 11:50am, I got a call from my sister saying that she would be here to pick me up in about 15 minutes. I figured she would actually wind up taking me out today, but I didn’t figure she would be so early about it. So, I got myself dressed quickly and she arrived while I was putting on makeup. It didn’t take too long to finish, then we wound up sitting here watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race” a little longer before actually getting up and leaving the house. Our first stop was the CVS right around the corner from my house and right across the street from our work. This CVS is frequently visited by many of my co-workers on breaks and lunches because it is close enough to walk to and back during a 15 minute break and still have time to spare. I’ve only done that once or twice in the past year that I have been working there because I am so paranoid about not making it back on time. Anytime I had gone there, I didn’t take time to look around or anything and just went directly to the area where they keep drinks and snack type items, which is typically the only reason I would wind up going over there on a break. Last night, when I talked to my sister, I had specifically asked if we could go to a Walgreen’s or CVS because I needed to pick up some everyday beauty products and figured they would have them in one of these places. As it turned out, I was right. I picked up two 20 packs of eye makeup applicators from Essence Of Beauty, which is what the little Asian girl on YouTube used for her eyeshadow. They were buy one get one 50% off, too, so they only wound up costing me something like $3. I also picked up a Clean & Clear “Morning Burst” facial cleanser, which is designed for morning use and has vitamin D and an “invigorating citrus scent” to help wake you up and energize your skin. I am kind of excited about that. I also picked up a new pack of cotton rounds for the eye makeup remover lotion my Mom picked up for me. My Mom and I go through a lot of those cotton rounds, honestly, because they can be used for so many different things, like eye makeup remover or nail polish remover. Just as we were getting ready to leave, my sister spotted something that she thought I just had to have – an electric shaver with a long adjustable handle, designed specifically for back hair and other hard to reach areas on your body that have a tendency to grow hair. Initially I had a reaction of “Yeah, whatever,” but then I noticed the price on it and decided it was worth a shot. $10, marked down. I figured it could be worth such a minor investment, considering the problems I have always had with body hair. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like it is excessive or anything, I just hate having hair on my body – particularly on my back. Unfortunately, the back is kind of hard to reach for shaving, so this thing seemed like it could be an excellent tool to have as much as I hated the idea of actually walking up to the register with this package very clearly marked, “BACK HAIR SHAVER.” My total at CVS was under $30.

Then, after driving past work to confirm that her girlfriend was still there doing some sort of business she had to handle, we decided to take a little trip to Burlington Coat Factory, which I have been kind of dying to do for a little while now. When we got there, the first thing I did was grab a package of Converse brand socks, which are my favorite socks in the world. Unfortunately, all of the packages were kind of mangled and torn. I found the one that seemed the least mangled and made my way to the clothing section. I sifted through pants first and didn’t find anything I liked in my size, which I had already anticipated. Then I headed off to shirts. Now, I don’t know about anybody else but when it comes to clothes, I shop with a strategy. Basically, what I will do is go through all the sections of the store that I am interested in and sift through the entire section, picking up random items that I think I may be interested in buying. Once I have been through all of the sections, I will then choose a central location where I can go through all the items that I picked up and decide which ones I am going to take and which ones I am not. I wound up with a stack of 8 or 9 shirts that I was considering buying, but in the debating process I wound up only selecting 3 to buy. All the rest were eliminated based on price and the fact that I just wasn’t head over heels over any of them. What sucked, though, was that my colors for Spring/Summer are pink and purple, and I found tons of things in those colors but not in my size. I did decide to add another color to my Spring/Summer shades, though – white. Everything I wound up leaving with was white. I got a gorgeous Kenneth Cole Reaction polo with two buttoned pockets on the chest, which I was pretty in love with, a Calvin Klein tee with the logo in various shades of silver, black and gray all over the front of it. The last thing I picked was something that is actually new to Burlington Coat Factory, and something I was very excited to see there – Marc Ecko. They never had Marc Ecko before and I always had to go to Brandon for my Marc Ecko Cut & Sew needs. I was very excited to see his stuff there at Burlington and picked up a white tee with a really cool tree design across the front in black and some blue birds flying out of it. I don’t know how to explain the design properly, but it is really cool looking and I am very excited to wear this shirt. Since I didn’t wind up with as many shirts as I had intended, I decided to check out shoes and found a pair of Diesel shoes that I really liked and actually picked up to buy, but then I realized that I had done something really silly – I forgot to grab my size! I just saw the display shoes, was like “I love those!” and grabbed the nearest box with that shoe in it. Fortunately, I realized before taking it up to the register that I had the wrong size and went back to look for my own size, which they didn’t have. So, I wound up leaving with socks and the three shirts. The total was right around $62. So, altogether, I wound up spending just under $100, which was my goal. However, I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t get everything I wanted. The reason I didn’t get everything I wanted wasn’t because I didn’t spend more money or anything like that, it’s because I didn’t find anything I really fell in love with. Even that isn’t true, though – I found quite a few things that I was really in love with. All of those things didn’t come in my size, though. I think that is the real problem. I need to lose weight. This trip to Burlington, as well as all of the Ebay browsing I’ve been doing lately, have really served to remind me exactly why I am trying to lose weight in the first place. Pretty much all of those things I really fell in love with were available in XL, but not 2XL. It sucks, but it is also there to remind me of how much I need to rededicate myself to working out and eating better. Weight loss is something that is very important to me right now, more so than it ever has been in the past. I am in a place right now where looking my best is really important to me, and losing weight would definitely be helpful in that. Not only would it mean I could buy much cuter clothes that I would be completely in love with but smaller bodies are considerably more attractive than bigger ones. I am determined to make my body smaller than it currently is. In fact, I think I will make it a point to work out in the morning, even though my Mom won’t be home to do it with me. No more excuses – only work now!

The rest of the day was basically spent over at my sister’s house watching season one of “Grey’s Anatomy,” which was pretty cool. I had my sister bring me home around 7pm so I could do some cleaning around the house. Before bringing me home, she needed to stop at the grocery store and I went along to grab something for dinner tonight. I bought a pound of chicken strips from the grocery store deli, and came home and ate the whole thing by myself. That wasn’t a good idea and I have spent the rest of the night feeling kind of sick. I didn’t wind up doing any cleaning, either. I had wanted to wash the dishes because they were out of hand and I figured it would be better to go ahead and get them done than to have my Mom come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. I talked to my Mom and she told me not to worry about them. Instead, I decided to take a shower and shave tonight in order to save myself some time in the morning. Plus, I just kind of felt the need for a nice, warm shower and I needed to shave. I absolutely hate shaving. I always have. I am trying to make a point of doing it more frequently, though, because I prefer the way I look without facial hair. I have been doing it once a week lately, but even that seems a little too infrequent. After the shower and shave this evening, I decided that I like taking a shower in the evening and think I am going to make a habit of showering every evening and probably shaving every other evening. After the shower and shave, I decided to try on my new shirts and did a full-blown, movie-style “trying on clothes” sequence, complete with me singing and dancing to the song “Hard” by Rihanna. All in all, I’d call it a pretty decent day. I know this blog post is full of mundane details that nobody really cares about. I mean, did I really need to talk about the fact that I bought cotton rounds? I don’t think so, but it was that kind of day. It was really that kind of weekend. I think it is good to have a nice, uneventful weekend every now and then. My problem is that I have been having that kind of weekend every weekend. I need to make a change to that ASAP.

It is now 12:12am, and I need to get to bed. My Mom will not be home in the morning, so I have to take a cab to work. Hopefully I won’t wind up with that same cab driver from Friday, though. I need to make sure to wake up when my alarm goes off, so I will have time to workout and take out the trash in the morning. I really do want to make it a point to workout in the morning, particularly after this day of shopping and eating a whole pound of chicken strips. It just feels very necessary. I am really excited to try out my facial cleanser, as well. I suppose the sooner I get to bed, the sooner I can wake up and get to it all. Goodnight.