Chapter 100: Love Is All There Is

Well, let me begin tonight’s blog by pointing out that this is a pretty momentous occasion: Chapter 100. Yes, I have been doing this for 100 days now. I have not missed a single day, (although, there was the day that blogspot lost the post and just a few days ago where I was so exhausted and made it so brief I may as well have skipped.) It’s pretty insane to think that I have made it this far already. Things have changed a lot since I first started this blog, too. Right away, maybe a week into the blog, I decided to move to California – that is no longer happening. My day-to-day life may not appear all that different on paper, but I have changed a lot as a person since beginning this blog. I have come to understand things about myself that I hadn’t noticed or taken note of before. I have seen the path that I am meant to go down and am doing my best to take steps towards making it all happen. I have much more of a sense of direction than I did before, which is an amazing thing to have gained and I feel like I have gotten a lot more familiar with what I have and even more with what I lack. Overall, I feel like this project is coming together quite nicely so far. Of course, I also know how much can change in the 265 days remaining in this blog… and I am honestly counting on those changes. I don’t know what form they will take, but I know that they will be exactly the changes that are necessary to get me to where I need to be. I am looking forward to seeing what the next 265 days have in store for me.

The 100th day of this blog was a pretty good one. It was not the most momentous day I have ever had, but it was a very good day. I woke up at 8:09am and thought it was still 4am or so. I was initially trying to go back to sleep, but as soon as I saw the actual time I figured I should go ahead and get up for the day. I came straight to the computer to check the status of my YouTube upload, which was fortunately completed. So, I spent the first little bit of the day tinkering with that and writing the little written portion of last night’s blog to post. Then I sat down to breakfast, (leftover Hamburger Helper and fried chicken,) and watched a couple things on the DVR that I hadn’t watched yet. The only thing I really remember watching was “Important Things With Demetri Martin.” I know I watched more than that, but that is the only thing that really sticks out in my mind. I am a pretty big fan of Demetri Martin. He has one of my favorite types of senses of humor and is also completely adorable. It is hard to find comedians who are hilarious and also really good-looking. I don’t know, honestly, how good-looking he actually is and how much of it is because of how funny he is. Either way, though, “Important Things” is one of my favorite shows right now. Sadly, while I was watching it I started feeling really tired and wound up falling back to sleep for about 30-45 minutes. It wasn’t a solid sleep or anything and my alarm went off at 11:30am, when it always does on the weekend, and it woke me right up. I lied around for a little while longer before getting dressed and ready for the day. There was quite a bit to be done today, after all. My Mom was at work until 1pm to do overtime, and when she got off she went to the bank to pull out the remaining $100 from my income tax to make the initial deposit on the bank account I was going to open today. She had also been texting me from work saying that she wanted to go out to lunch, which sounded like a great plan to me, as well. It has been a while since we’d done that. I was all dressed and ready by the time she got here and we left pretty quickly.

As I mentioned in the video blog yesterday, one of my co-workers gave me a thing she received in the mail from Chase Bank advertising a promotion they were having. This was not just any promotion they were offering, either, but one that could wind up very fortuitous for me. The ad was a “gift card” for a free $100 added when you open an account and deposit $100 initially. Since I was already planning on opening the account with $100 it worked out pretty perfectly. So, we went to find the Chase location on Fruitville Road, and had a little trouble finding it. The plaza I thought it was in had two different banks in it, neither of which were Chase. We checked the plaza across the street and only found a Bank Of America. I decided to call the location to find out exactly where it was and got a guy named Matt on the phone, who was very helpful in directing me to the exact location. When I went inside, he was the one who helped me with setting up the account, too. Let me just say, the first thing I noticed about this Matt guy was how incredibly attractive he was. Seriously, he was this gorgeous, small-framed, soft spoken, Hispanic kid who couldn’t have been any more than 22 years old. He was absolutely adorable and, as we sat there setting up my account, I found his personality even more endearing than his looks. Unfortunately, he mentioned his girlfriend pretty early on in our conversation. I know what you’re thinking: “What reason would he have to bring up his girlfriend while setting up a bank account for someone?” Well, that was just the type of situation it was, oddly enough. We talked about his brother who dresses crazy, his sister-in-law who he scared on the last Friday the 13th, his girlfriend, the school he goes to, etc. It was very random and I appreciated that the most about the whole experience. Amidst all of this, he also explained all of the details of the account very thoroughly and made me feel a lot more at ease about the whole situation, which I also appreciated. He even shared a few helpful hints about the way that the bank works. I won’t go into those, but they were definitely helpful hints from the perspective of somebody who knows what it’s like to have a bank account that runs out of funds every so often. As I mentioned, my Mom was a little apprehensive about the whole situation and whether or not I would be able to open an account due to past transgressions involving bank accounts. However, as I mentioned previously, I wasn’t overly concerned with that whole concept. I just had a good feeling about the whole thing. It turns out, my good feeling was right and I am now the proud owner of an account with Chase Bank. It may sound silly, but I am very excited about the whole concept of actually having a bank account again. I am going to go into work on Monday and sign up for direct deposit and be on my way towards not having to worry about having to pick up and cash a check every two weeks. Plus, in 7-10 business days, I will be receiving my new debit card in the mail and can start making purchases online and in general with my own card, instead of having to go through the whole process of giving my Mom cash and using her card.

One of the first purchases I intend to make once I receive that card is a pair of tickets to “Mardi Gras” at Universal Studios on April 9th. No, I honestly don’t give a crap about Universal Studios or their silly “Mardi Gras” thing. What I DO give a crap about is the concert series they do as part of their annual “Mardi Gras” thing and, in particular, the artist they have performing on April 9th. I think I have discussed in the blog before how I have a list of artists I have to see live before I die. This list mainly consists of artists that I have been listening to since back in the 90s when I originally started writing songs for myself. These are the artists that really are the ones who inspired me to become a songwriter and have remained a constant inspiration to me ever since. I have seen some of these artists, like Madonna, Liz Phair and Jewel, but have yet to see some, like Sarah McLachlan, Fiona Apple, Alanis Morissette and, the one who is playing Universal Studios, Sheryl Crow. I feel like I kind of have to go. While I know that she is still a very prominent artist and will likely be touring for years to come, I feel like this is an opportunity to see her in a different kind of setting and one that also offers up something in addition to just the concert. When you buy a ticket to the show you also get admission to the park, which could be really fun. Like I said, I don’t REALLY give a crap about Universal Studios. I’m not a theme park person, in general, but I do think it could be fun to go hang out and have some fun there before seeing one of my all-time favorite artists in concert. I talked to my Mom about it and she is down to go, but I am also going to try to talk my sister and her girlfriend into it, as well, and make a little family trip out of the whole thing. We haven’t had one of those in a really long time and I think it could be really fun. Even if they don’t wind up coming, though, my Mom and I can go and have a good time on our own.

After opening the account at Chase, my Mom and I decided to go to this little place across the street called Peking Tokyo for lunch. I had some delicious sushi for lunch, which I hadn’t had in a VERY long time and was really excited about it. It was pretty awesome and at a very affordable price. Sushi is one of my favorite foods, but it normally costs a lot more than I have been able to afford for quite some time now, so it was really a big treat to get it today. By the time we finished lunch it was already 4pm and we were supposed to be in Fort Meyers by 6pm for my brother’s girlfriend’s housewarming party. Since my Mom informed me that $3 each was far too much for cupcakes, we also still needed to pick up a housewarming gift. I had come up with the idea a few days ago that we should just get her a gift card to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I figured, anybody with a new house will need SOMETHING for either their bedroom, their bathroom or their beyond and it was better than trying to guess at what type of decorating style she was going with. Before leaving town, though, we decided to stop at home so my Mom could change clothes and I could paint my nails a color that matched the rest of my outfit, (they were bronze and I was wearing all gray and black.) I did a quick, shitty job of painting my nails black and we left the house pretty quickly. Unfortunately, I fucked up my nails within a few minutes of being in the car and we decided to stop at Walgreen’s for nail polish remover and a card for my brother’s girlfriend, and to see if one of the various gift cards they sell at Walgreen’s was for Bed, Bath & Beyond. Unfortunately, it was not. Still, I picked up my nail polish remover and managed to remove my crappy polish on the way down to Fort Meyers. I also picked up some metallic silver eyeliner. I have this thing lately for sparkly silvers and almost always do silver shadow underneath my eyes, so I figured matching eyeliner could be cool, instead of just always coupling the silver with a black. I like silvers because I feel like they have an almost futuristic, robotic look to them, which is kind of what I am going for lately. It reminds me a bit of “Barbarella,” which I adore.

Once we got to Fort Meyers, it was already almost 7pm and we still had to stop at a Bed, Bath & Beyond for a gift card. By the time we actually got to the house, it was just about 7pm. We weren’t entirely sure what to expect as far as how many people would be there or what type of crowd it would be. When we pulled up to the house we couldn’t help but notice the 15 or so cars lined up down the road. This wasn’t really a big deal. I do well in crowds, in general. However, when we walked into the house we got nothing but strange looks from a pretty large crowd of boring-looking white people in their 20s. It was immediately awkward. My brother’s girlfriend greeted us, though, and pulled my brother in from outside. I think my brother got the sense that I was not feeling the most comfortable inside and he pulled me outside to check out the bonfire he had started in the backyard and meet some of his friends, who were very friendly and funny. My Mom and I spent the bulk of our time there in the backyard. However, my brother and his friends wound up running off and my Mom and I were left sitting outside alone, listening to two douchey white guys talking about something that sounded really boring and lame. We just couldn’t help but feel extremely out of place in this crowd. We wound up leaving by 8pm. It’s nothing against my brother or his girlfriend, of course, and we really felt kind of bad for leaving so quickly, but we did feel really out of place and they were busy dealing with all of their friends that were there. So, we said our goodbyes and left. We figured we’d come back and see them another day in the near future when there was less going on.

On the drive home, my Mom and I were listening to Sheryl Crow on the iPod and one of my favorite songs of hers came on: “Love Is All There Is” from the album “Detours.” I was telling my Mom how much I really find myself relating to this song lately, and she got a little sad about that. This song says, “Everyone is talking about me, How my heart is broken but they don't see, When you're lonely inside the world looks so carefree, When you're lonely inside you just can't see - Does anybody want you? Does anybody need you? The question is does anybody want you? Does anybody need you? The question is, All I really know for certain, babe, is that Love Is All There Is.” I really feel that way a lot lately. I have discussed here how I feel like I am completely alone in this world right now, but I don’t think I had ever really discussed it with my Mom before. I find myself asking these questions of myself a lot lately – does anybody want you? Does anybody need you? I don’t know. Right now, it doesn’t really feel that way. If I’m being honest, I am still feeling like I don’t have a soul in this world on my side. I know that isn’t entirely true. I have my Mom and I have my family. Even they have other things going on that take much higher priority and that are considerably more important to them than I am. I mean, I don’t expect to be the first thing on people’s minds or anything like that, but it would be nice to feel like I take some sort of precedence in the lives of those around me. I don’t hear from people. I have to reach out to the people around me and it seems like, more often than not lately, when I do reach out I get a half-assed response at best and a completely self-involved one at worst. I say that is at worst because it is honestly preferable to get no response at all than to hear about how someone just doesn’t have time to deal with me. I know this is nothing more than an ego-based reaction to the people around me and I am trying my best to resist it. How am I trying to resist it? By throwing myself into my own different projects. Unfortunately, for varying reasons, these projects all seem to have hit some sort of roadblock and are forcing me to actually take a look at my life. I know that is what needs to happen, but it is also a very uncomfortable and displeasing situation for me. Of course, according to Kabbalah, these are exactly the types of situations we are supposed to dive headfirst into in order to connect to the Light. Still, it is a little more difficult when you just don’t know how to deal with it.

One person in my life that I never seem to have these problems with is my friend Rachel. On the drive home from Fort Meyers I got a call from her informing me of something very cool coming up that she thought would be absolutely perfect for us to go out and take part in. On March 13th, at a Target store in Bradenton, there is a Lady Gaga Flash Mob planned. As soon as she told me about this I knew that, despite certain insecurities and feelings of awkwardness about it, I absolutely had to take part. As she put it, we are going to “be a part of art.” A Flash Mob, for those who don’t know, is one of those scenarios you hear about every now and then where a group of people go into a public place acting completely normal and behaving like it were any other day, then all at once begin dancing. It’s kind of like a real-life musical number in the middle of a public place, except there won’t be any singing this time. Just dancing, like the Lady Gaga song “Just Dance.” All they ask is that you wear Gaga-esque clothes and be prepared to dance your ass off as soon as you hear a Lady Gaga song start playing. Then, when the song ends, you immediately go back to what you were doing and behaving as if nothing ever happened. I have seen this done in YouTube videos and on TV and such, but never dreamed of being presented with the opportunity to take part in one myself. It really is like being a part of a living, breathing work of art and I am extremely excited about the whole thing. I am trying to see if I can get a few friends to come along and even more, trying to see if I can get somebody to film it because I think this would make for some amazing footage for my short film/long-form music video. Also, as it turns out, looking at the Facebook page for this event I noticed that an old friend of mine who I haven’t seen in ages is planning to take part, as well. The whole thing is very interesting and exciting and I think will be an amazing event to be a part of, even if it is just at a smelly old Target store in smelly old Bradenton. It will be epic, I am sure.

The time is now 2:57am, and I need to get to sleep. Monday is still scheduled for 8am-6pm, so keeping an early morning schedule is more crucial now than ever. I just sent Whitney a text about a possible job opportunity at the place that shall not be named for security purposes. When you start text messaging people about jobs at 3am, you can pretty much assume that it is time for you to get your shit together and go to bed before you do anything else stupid.