Chapter 110: Still Standing

Today was a pretty boring day, if I am being honest. If were being even more honest, I would say that I am getting sick of all of these days that look almost exactly the same and keep blending together as if they are all one big, boring hot mess of a life. I know that is not the case, but that is what it feels like right now. I have got to do something to shake things up. I have to do something to make each day not just look but FEEL different from the last. I’m not sure what to do, but I’ll be damned if I don’t intend to figure it out as fast as I can! I kind of feel like, in a lot of ways, I have stopped focusing on my goals and kind of surrendered myself to the mundane details of day-to-day life. That would certainly explain the desperate search for escape by way of shopping, even though I haven’t been doing any actual shopping. Window-shopping is just as much of a distraction, although not near as much of a problem since my bank account isn’t suffering because of it. Still, shopping, (even if it is just looking,) is not the answer to my problems right now. What I need is human interaction, and I don’t mean the guarded kind I do at work. I really think that what I need is just to CONNECT. I wrote a song about that at work today, called “Connect,” as a matter of fact. Connection is the answer to the problems I am having right now… but how do I find a connection when all of my time is spent at work and in front of the computer searching for things to buy? I suppose the answer is to change that – obviously, I have to work but I can certainly figure out ways to get out into the world when I am not working. The book I’ve been reading, “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less,” suggests going out and joining some sort of community volunteer group or taking some sort of classes. Classes – that works out well because it also fits into my long-term goal of learning music in order to write a record based on this blog. You know, that whole thing I talked about obsessively and incessantly before? Whatever happened to that? Whatever happened to all of my artistic endeavors? The answer to that one is easy – I got discouraged. The whole thing with the drawings for t-shirts fell through with that local company because they wound up not actually existing, and I never followed through on trying to pursue it further with Threadless or any of the other various outlets there are for that out there. The music lessons with Eliezer Rivera didn’t work out, either, mainly due to my own ego-based reaction to his ego-based reaction to my cancellation of the first lesson, and I have yet to pursue any other music lessons even though it is really the most important thing in the world to me. Like I said, I allowed myself to be discouraged by these things and have stopped pursuing much of anything. I haven’t been doing much in the way of photography or video with my Sony Bloggie and it has spent the past couple weeks mainly just sitting in my bag.

So, what do I need to do? What is my plan of attack? Well, first of all, I need to regain my focus on all of these things. First things first, I need to take the time to call around to the numerous places here in town that offer music lessons and try to get a feel for where I want to get them and what they are going to cost me. That is first and foremost. Second, I need to start looking into other methods of doing the whole t-shirt thing. Thinking about that whole thing a bit, I think that perhaps I was trying to start bigger than my abilities. I just did a little research online into the world of fabric paint and am thinking that it would be a really cool idea to try hand painting a few t-shirts and such before trying to go full speed ahead with trying to sell things. Why not start off by just making some cool stuff for myself and wearing it out and about to see how it goes over with others and see if the people I run into throughout the day would consider wearing any of my designs. That seems like a good place to start. Another thing that I would kind of like to look into is learning a bit more about sewing and trying to actually design some things for myself. One step at a time, though, and hand painting seems like a great place to start – plus, I have just found online where you can buy a dozen plain white v-neck t-shirts for $36, which seems like a pretty good deal. I don’t really know the general cost of wholesale t-shirts, though, so it may not be. Either way, that is definitely something I want to look into further and a trip to Michael’s may be in order. So, we’ve covered music and fashion, which are the two that are most important to me. Then comes the matter of the short film/long-form music video. The goal I am going to set for myself for that is to capture something that I think could be relevant to the film at least 3 times a week. Whether it be something as simple as putting on makeup in the morning, working out or some sort of everyday occurrence or something major like the Lady Gaga flash mob next month or going out to the beach or a museum or something. This will force me to make it a point to do things that are more interesting than usual. Then there is photography – that kind of goes hand-in-hand with the video thing, in the sense that I can photograph things that I am out doing, as well as filming them. So, those two combined will kind of force me to get out more.

Then, of course, there is the other thing I have lost focus on recently – working out. My Mom is back home and will be returning to work tomorrow, and we are planning on working out tomorrow morning. She still isn’t back at 100% functionality yet, so I don’t know if she will be feeling up to it tomorrow morning, but even if she isn’t I will make sure that I do it tomorrow and for the rest of this week. Then, next week, it is back to doing at least 4 days a week but pushing for 5 days. I have to keep my focus on this because a large part of the reason I have been having so much trouble with shopping recently is because all of the things that I see and feel like I absolutely have to have don’t come in my size. I wear a 2XL t-shirt, and even some of those from the best designers fit me a bit smaller than I would like. If I am ever going to delve into the world of fashion in the way that I am really wanting to, I absolutely have to keep my focus on losing weight. There is no question about it. I need to step up my game in terms of working out and not allow myself to lose focus or skip days just because my Mom isn’t home to do it with me or anything – I am 26 years old and if I am going to do it, I need to do it NOW before my body gets settled in any more than it already has. This is of the utmost importance. It is not a health issue or a vanity issue – it is much bigger than that; it is a FASHION issue. Sad as it may sound, fashion is at the forefront of my mind much more than health. You could say that fashion ties in with vanity, but I say no more than every day things like doing your hair or washing your face in the morning – it is all about trying to look and feel like you are at your best. I don’t see anything vain about that.

So, here I am – this is it. This is me taking back my focus and my drive to create the world I have been dreaming of living in. I have always known that if I want something to happen, I have to make it happen for myself. I have also always known that no matter how much I may let myself get knocked down, I can and will always pick myself back up and keep moving forward towards the things I want out of life. If I ever need evidence of this fact, I can look no further than reexamining my entire life. I have been knocked down so many times, in much bigger ways than you could possibly imagine, and yet I am still here. I am still standing, like that Kylie Minogue song. Yes, Kylie Minogue is still one of my biggest inspirations in life – there is a woman who has faced some trials and tribulations in her life and her career, and has managed to always stay on top. That is exactly the type of inspiration I need at this point in my life. Kylie has been knocked down in so many different ways throughout her career but she has always managed to pick herself back up, and she has always done it with the most style, grace and class possible. If Kylie can do it then, damn it, I’m going to try my damnedest to do it, too. She will be my inspiration moving forward for getting back on the wagon with all of my artistic endeavors. I have always known that I am meant to create something truly special and magical in this world and really make a difference in people’s lives, the way that Kylie and so many others have in mine. I am getting older, though, and if I am going to do it I need to do it NOW. This is my time and I am going to make it happen by any means necessary. I have to remember the most commonly used phrase in this blog, probably – the Universe is working in my favor. Notice how I haven’t used that phrase recently? I have. That stops now. The Universe IS working in my favor and I am going to do whatever it takes to not allow myself to lose faith in that FACT again. The moment I lose my faith in that is the moment that the Universe stops and sends me nothing but doubts and insecurities, because that is the frequency I am putting out to it. No more. The Universe is working in my favor, and I intend to take full advantage of every opportunity it presents to me. The time for fucking around has passed – now is the time for action!

I must say, this blog has left me feeling much better about the world I live in and has really kind of renewed my faith that I will somehow manage to create the world I have been dreaming of all of my life. I know that I will because I simply have to. It is my destiny. It is what I am meant for in this world and nothing is going to stand in the way of me making it happen – not even myself. For now, though, it is 11:45pm and I am feeling pretty exhausted. It is just about time for me to go to bed and dream of all the beautiful, magical, special, wonderful things that I am going to create in this world. It really is a beautiful life, and that life is still mine. I am still here. Still standing.