Chapter 89: Bathwater

Okay, so I am having a problem that I have never really had in the past and I am not sure where it is coming from or how to deal with it. Since I have resigned myself to the fact that I am not going to the Owl City show tomorrow night, I decided to partake in a little retail therapy this evening instead. So, I got myself all in the proper mindset, put on some Gwen Stefani, (the best fashion music possible,) and began my hunt. I had already selected a few items on the Calvin Klein website, as well as five or six things on the DKNY website. Calvin Klein and DKNY are my two go-to designers, but I kind of felt like checking out some other sites to see what else I may find. I checked out Armani Exchange, Kenneth Cole, Marc Ecko, L.A.M.B. and Metro Park, as well as Bluefly and Overstock. There’s plenty of good stuff out there, but for some reason I found myself unable to settle on anything. On all of those other sites I kept thinking, “None of this is as good as the DKNY stuff,” but then every time I convinced myself to go back to the DKNY site and just buy their stuff I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just keep getting this strange feeling like I shouldn’t be doing it. I even tried checking out some of those sites that I would normally never deal with because they don’t really fit into my current fashion concept, like Hot Topic and Clandestine Industries. I thought maybe I should try for makeup instead, which still may wind up being what a chunk of that money goes for, but it just seemed silly to shop on Ulta or Sephora’s websites when I could just as easily go to the stores and get stuff. Overall, though, I just kept thinking, “I should just hang on to the money.” WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I THINK THAT? Since when have I been a conscientious spender? Since when have I been a person who thinks before he buys? Since when have I been a person who can stop himself from grabbing at the things that catch my eye? It’s a very strange sensation, and I can’t say that I enjoy the feeling in the slightest. I have basically just been sitting here getting frustrated because I can’t find anything to spend my money on. That is a ridiculous problem to have. That is an especially ridiculous problem for ME to have. I think the problem is a combination of two things – one, I am having trouble finding things in the right price range to where I can buy more than one or two things and two, I am not finding anything that I am absolutely in love with. I really like the stuff I am finding on DKNY and there is one shirt that I am pretty in love with, and even that I am having trouble with buying. I feel like I may need to switch up my fashion concept a little bit. I am currently doing this preppy, designer look coupled with 80s glam style makeup. I feel like maybe my clothes need to be a little edgier. I don’t mean anything drastic or even overly noticeable, just a little. I don’t know… I just hate not being able to shop, especially considering I am finally in a position for a minute where I can afford to do a little shopping. I should give the money to Haiti. That’s what I really should do… but I want to shop! That is a horrible thing to say, but I have made the vow to be open and honest in this blog and that is honestly how I am feeling right now. I am not a bad person but I have elements of a bad person in me, for sure.

Today was a pretty boring day. I got up, didn’t work out, ate a bowl of cereal and got dressed and ready for work. I did a really cool makeup look today with half silver glitter/half black glitter eyeshadow. It went perfectly with my outfit and looked really cool, if I do say so myself. I actually loved my outfit today, as well. It was a lot of contract between black and gray/silver. I have a lot of clothes that include that same kind of contrast, come to think of it. I got to work and it wasn’t busy like it was yesterday, which was exactly what I was hoping for today. Sure, it was pretty boring but it gave me time to complete work on a second of the drawings, the “Monster/He Ate My Heart” one. I really like the way that this one came out, so it was pretty well worth it. If I can knock out another one tomorrow while at work, then I should be good to complete the last one when I come home in the afternoon. All that will be left to do then is figure out how to hook up the scanner at my house and send them off. I may experiment with digital colorization while I’m at it, but we’ll see how that goes. It honestly didn’t come across like this company was looking for anything overly accomplished or professional looking, just something unique and different – that describes my drawings to a tee, (Pardon the pun!) We’ll see how that goes. The intention is to devote the entire day tomorrow to completing this project and getting the pictures sent off. As I may have mentioned previously, I am really kind of excited about this whole thing. I just can’t wait to see what happens with them. Another thing that is on the agenda for tomorrow is emailing Eliezer Rivera to actually schedule a date. He gave me time frames that would work with his schedule, so now I need to figure things out with my schedule. I don’t want to do it on Monday, but I keep thinking of Tuesday or Wednesday. No matter what day I pick, it is going to be a bit of a production getting there and home. It will be worth it, though, and I have already told my sister that I will be coming to her for transportation assistance. It’ll only be two lessons per week at first, and hopefully I will be able to schedule one on the weekend, when my Mom will be home and can take me and pick me up. So, for my sister, I’ll only be asking for help one day a week. It will be worth it, I’m certain. I’m excited to get started on that, too. One thing I am not excited about is going to work at 8am tomorrow. I am especially unenthused because it is 11:36pm right now and I am still writing the blog. On any other night that would be fine, and completely expected, but I have to be up an hour earlier tomorrow and was hoping to get to bed an hour earlier tonight because of it. Perhaps I still can.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, today was a pretty boring day. Work was pretty slow, nothing overly interesting happened there aside from working on the drawings. I didn’t really have a lot of conversation with my co-workers, and the ones I did have I wasn’t overly involved in or paying that much attention to because I was focused on creating art. I have been thinking a lot about my Sony Bloggie and am becoming more and more excited for its arrival. I am mainly thinking about photography with it at this point, and what kind of new, interesting stuff I can come up with. I also keep thinking about random footage I could get to use in my short film/long-form music video. There is a whole world of possibility I am opening up by getting this camera and I am getting extremely excited to explore that world. Right now in my life, art is the goal of everything I do. In the song “Bathwater” by No Doubt, Gwen Stefani uses a line, “My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again.” I always loved that line. That is kind of how I feel right now. Not the envy part, but that my mind is pregnant. It is preparing to give birth. What is it going to give birth to? Art. I have always said that music is the very core of my being. Music is my life. I feel like music is my mind, and it is giving birth to an entire litter of other forms of art. All of the art I create is inspired and heavily influenced by music. I don’t believe that will ever change, either. I don’t believe that it has the capability to change, and I couldn’t be happier with it the way it is. It can grow and evolve and such, but music will always be at its core. I just feel like, more and more each day, I am discovering the path that my life is meant to take. I mean, I know I have said, as long as I have been writing this blog, that I know exactly what my life is meant for and I have seen the road I am meant to take, and that is true… but I feel like the path to the endgame has been drastically altered since making the decision to say in Florida, and it is a very exciting road that I am heading down. It is full of twists and turns and sights I never expected to see and I am excited and captivated and enthralled by all of it. Speaking of my decision to stay in Florida, I recently found out something that further confirms that I have made the right decision. I was already feeling pretty certain of that, anyway, with all the progress that has been made since making that decision, but this just seals the deal for me. My Mom was telling me that she had talked to her mother the other day and she told her that my Uncle, the one who I was hoping to stay with while out there, had rented out the extra room in his house, the one I had planned to stay in. Apparently, he isn’t having the best time in the world financially, (who is?) and needed the extra cash coming in. Sure, I intended to pay him rent and such once I moved out there, but that would have been once I found a job and such, and who knows how long that would have taken? So, had I still been planning to move out there, this would have thrown a major wrench in my plan. Instead, my Uncle has somebody moved in who already has a job and can start paying rent immediately, and I am here exploring this magical world I may never have discovered had I still been so focused on planning my move out there. The Universe, as I’ve said before and will say again, is definitely working in my favor. Not only is it working in my favor, it is working in the favor of the people who my decisions affect. It’s so true what Yehuda Berg said at his discussion/signing last month about how the decisions we make don’t only affect us, but everyone around us and the global community as a whole. It is always an amazing feeling when the things we know intrinsically without any proof are then proven to us in real and tangible ways. The Universe, Energy, God, whatever you want to call it, is an absolutely beautiful thing and will always provide us with everything we could possibly need. All we need to do is believe that, and always make sure to keep it in mind and feel gratitude for it.

For now, though, I am going to go to bed. It is 12:01am, and my alarm is set for 6:15am. I didn’t wind up working out this evening, so I will probably wind up doing that for a while tomorrow after work. In fact, I have been thinking about possibly adding on a daily dose of Yoga in the evenings to supplement the morning workouts and give me a bit of a spiritual workout, as well as the physical one. Maybe I’ll try that tomorrow, as well. The main focus for tomorrow, though, is getting those drawings done and sent off to the t-shirt company. I am very excited to get back to working out, though. I am very excited to send my drawings to the t-shirt company, too. I am very excited to receive my camera and start exploring what I can do with that, as well. I am basically just very excited about my life right now. I know I keep saying that, but it is because it is true… even if I can’t figure out what to shop for. I am not going to think about it right now and the perfect thing will pop out at me and I will know exactly what it is when I see it. I think I may do some research on some more underground, lesser known designers and see if I can come up with anything interesting and fitting to where I want my fashion concept to go. After all, there is a lot of really interesting fashion out there and perhaps I am limiting myself by only looking at this specific group and type of designers. We’ll see what I find. What I am looking to find right now, though, is the bed.