Chapter 103: Chai Tea Latte

Today started off on a really odd note. I woke up kind of abruptly and immediately checked my phone. 7:16am. I immediately had a minor attack thinking that it was terribly late and I was going to be stuck rushing around and wind up late for work, pissing off my sister when she came to pick me up, etc. Then it dawned on me – there is no more overtime, I don’t have to be to work ‘til 9:30am and I was actually awake 14 minutes before my alarm. I briefly considered going back to sleep until my alarm did go off, but I decided that it would be wiser just to get up and start my day early. I sat around and smoked, had a cup of coffee and dicked around on the internet for a while and realized how much I had missed having time to do that in the morning these past couple weeks. I felt pretty good this morning, actually, and was primed and ready to return to the workout routine. Yes, this morning was my first workout in nearly two weeks and I have to say, it wasn’t anywhere near as difficult as I had anticipated. We put on the Ke$ha album, “Animal,” while we worked out and it was kind of a perfect workout record. It was a really good source of motivation to move a little quicker and effectively than I was really in the mood for. Not to say that the workout wasn’t a little bit rough, but it went immensely better than I had anticipated. Like I said, it felt really good to get back into that routine. It was also good because my Mom told me afterwards that she was feeling pretty unmotivated and wasn’t really wanting to do it this morning, so had I not been here she probably would have skipped it. We also discussed eventually upgrading from the current workout we are doing, “Walk-A-Dobics,” to something a little more fast-paced and higher impact. I have this DVD I bought a while back called “Rock Your Body.” It is created and led by Jamie King, who is a huge inspiration to me. Jamie King has worked as a choreographer for Madonna, but even more he has become one of the greatest, most prolific tour directors in recent years. He has directed some of the biggest and best shows that I have seen, including Madonna’s “Drowned World,” “Re-Invention,” “Confessions” and “Sticky & Sweet” tours, Christina Aguilera’s “Justified/Stripped” and “Back To Basics” tours, Celine Dion’s “Taking Chances” tour and, one of the biggest accomplishments in my opinion, the “Return Of The Spice Girls” tour. His work is incredible, both as a choreographer and director. Somewhere amidst all of that, he managed to find time to create a dance-based workout DVD called “Rock Your Body.” My Mom and I discussed it a bit and we are both really excited to work up to doing that DVD. Of course, first I have to get through the second mile of “Walk-A-Dobics” which, despite being a low-impact workout, is kind of tough. I’m thinking of finishing off this week just doing the one mile and then pushing for the second mile come next week. We’ll see, though.

After the workout I ate a bowl of Raisin Bran, got dressed and ready for work and did my makeup. This morning I decided to try getting a little more experimental with the makeup and as opposed to going for a more subtle, natural look like I did yesterday, I went really over the top with a combination of black, silver and a pretty bright pink. The result was a very drag look. It kind of makes sense, honestly, because I have been watching a lot of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” lately and gathering a little bit of inspiration from drag queens, in general. While drag is not something I have ever really had a passion for, I did consider trying to take it up years ago when I was in California. I had a few really good friends at the time who were drag performers, (one of which is actually on “RuPaul’s Drag Race” this season,) but I never wound up doing it. While I definitely have a passion for performance, and a deep respect for the talent it takes to make such a complete transformation, I just never really cared enough for it myself to pursue it further than just having passing thoughts about it. One thing I do feel pretty passionate about these days, though, is makeup and that is something I have in common with drag performers, so it only makes sense that I would pull a bit of inspiration from them. Still, it was a pretty over-the-top look and I both loved and hated it for that reason… I loved it more, though.

When I got to work, it was pretty slow and there wasn’t much going on. I continued reading the Yehuda Berg book, “The Power To Change Everything,” which has been very inspirational to me. I am almost done with it, though, and need to start thinking of another book to read. There are two books that I just pulled from my bookshelf that I never actually made it through and am considering throwing in my bag for my next read – “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less” by Nicholas Boothman and “A Practical Handbook For The Boyfriend” by Felicity Huffman & Patricia Wolff. What do these two books have in common? Yeah, I’ve decided to stop denying it – I’m kind of in a place where I think dating could be a good thing for me. My reasoning for this is honestly as simple as this: I am lacking a connection. This lack of connection is slowly but surely leading me to a lack of inspiration. After all, what is art without some sort of emotion behind it? Where does emotion come from? Most emotions that we have stem from our connections to others. Sure, I could gather inspiration from my connections with friends and family and such, (I have done a really good job of that for the past long while,) but I kind of feel like I need something more intimately involved than that. Plus, sex would be good to have, as well. Therefore, I need to do some dating. Of course, I am never going to do any dating until I put myself in the position to start dating again and put out the frequency of willingness and openness to connect. In some ways, I still feel like I am probably in a terrible place for it and may wind up, as I have often feared, doing nothing more than distracting myself from the projects that I am so focused on right now. At the same time, though, my focus on all of those things has become kind of scattered and frantic and none of those things are working right now. So, maybe a distraction from them is exactly what I need. I don’t know. This is something I have been thinking about quite a bit lately, though, and I think it could be a very good thing for me. Of course, I have no idea how to meet people nowadays, but I’m not going to get concerned about that part. The Universe will lead me in the direction I need to be heading – my part is to get myself to a place where I can be genuinely open to somebody else. We’ll see how that goes.

I took my first break today at 11:30am and found that I didn’t have any cigarettes on me. The pack I had been smoking ran out just before work and although I told myself to grab another pack from my carton I somehow managed to forget to. That is very out of character for me, honestly. Fortunately, my Mom went on break at the same time and she drove me home to grab a pack and back with plenty of time to spare. I am not entirely sure what happened after that break, but I went back to work and was okay at first. Kind of suddenly at around noon, my stomach started feeling really strange and in knots. It felt as if something was being twisted inside of me and it was causing me a lot of pain and discomfort. At first, I was just dealing with it but as I sat there longer it just kept getting worse, so I asked my sister if I could leave and she, being able to tell that I wasn’t feeling well, said it was okay. So, I left work at 1:05pm and went out to the parking lot and text messaged my Mom saying that I wasn’t feeling well and asking if she could drive me home when she took her next break at 1:30pm. I stood outside by the car waiting for her and, as 1:30pm came and I still hadn’t seen any sign of her I wasn’t sure what to think. I saw her come outside at around 1:35pm and she was shouting to me that she didn’t have her purse and went inside. When she came back out she was really upset, saying that she didn’t get the text message until she was well into her break and she was hungry and this was going to make her late. I told her I could go ahead and walk home, but she said no. She seemed really angry at me and I was trying my best not to be defensive or reactive about it. She dropped me off at the entry way to our apartment complex so she could just turn around easily and get back to work. She was really angry with me and I felt terrible. I should have gone over to her desk and told her, but it seems as if she is always able to check her text messages when she is at her desk and has often been able to text me throughout the day, so I assumed she would see it before she went on break. Still, it would have been wiser to actually go over and tell her to make sure she would know. I was already feeling terrible physically, but this situation made me feel really terrible emotionally. As soon as I got in the house I text messaged her again telling her how sorry I was and how bad I felt about the situation. I recognized immediately that my somewhat dramatic reaction in the car was simply that – a reaction. I also recognized that her behavior was also simply a reaction. I knew I needed to talk to her and correct it somehow, and tried my best to put out a frequency of forgiveness and understanding. Fortunately, I got a text message back moments later returning that same frequency and I was free to continue my day without feeling so bad about that situation. Of course, I was still feeling bad physically but that I can handle. I understand that this is simply a question of mind over matter, and after sitting with it and focusing on it for a little while longer, I was able to get myself feeling a bit better.

I lied on the couch for most of the rest of the day and watched TV shows on the DVR. Around 5pm, I wound up falling asleep. I set my alarm to go off at 5:30pm, but when it went off I set it for 15 minutes later. Then I set it for 5 more minutes, and 5 more, and 5 more again until I wound up sleeping on and off until 7:45pm. That could easily wind up being a very bad thing for me tonight as I have always had the problem that any time I take a nap during the day, I wind up staying up late. That appears to be the case again at this point, since it is 12:53am and I am still sitting here writing this blog. I don’t think it will be a real problem, though. I will still wake up tomorrow at 7:30am or so and get up, workout, get dressed and ready and go to work. It will all work out just fine. I may wind up a little more tired than usual, but I doubt it. I am feeling pretty tired right now and I think I will manage to fall asleep pretty easily once I am done writing this. I am pretty ready for the weekend already, though. I checked the mail this afternoon in hopes that my debit card would be here already, but I knew that was a pretty foolish idea considering yesterday was a holiday and this is technically the first business day since I opened the account. I am still pretty confident that I will wind up getting it before the end of the week, though. I have already come up with a few ideas for what I would like to spend some of my extra overtime money on, too. I decided to search Ebay a little bit and found a few items I am really into, including a couple Marc Jacobs necklaces that are adorable and have a Buy It Now price of $29.99. I also found this amazing John Galliano t-shirt in my size that I kind of feel like I have to have. My top shopping priority on Ebay, though, is Alexander McQueen. He did a bit of a lower end line, called McQ, that I managed to find some stuff from at very decent prices that I would actually be able to afford. Alexander McQueen, as I mentioned recently, was a very big inspiration to me and his recent death was an absolute tragedy. I have found myself thinking about him a lot lately, almost to the point of being driven to distraction. It is such a great loss to the fashion industry and to the world as a whole for such an incredible talent to be lost, and particularly at his own hand. The whole thing is extremely upsetting and this, more than most other celebrity deaths, has really had a major impact on me. Like I said, it has been on my mind a lot lately. He really was an absolute legend and he will be deeply missed by all those affected by him, both directly and indirectly, as a source of inspiration like me. I do feel this sense of urgency, though, to pick up some of his clothing and wear it with pride, as a reminder of the inspiration he provided me, as well as a reminder not to let my own talents go to waste.

This is making me sad. It is time for bed. One last thing I wanted to mention, though. In my lying on the couch and watching TV today, one thing I watched was NewNowNext Pop Lab on Logo and they played a video for the song "Like You Do" by Angel Taylor, which I kind of immediately fell in love with. Angel Taylor is an adorable little African-American girl who plays a guitar and makes soft, acoustic music - kind of reminiscent of Colbie Caillat's music, only better. I downloaded her album, "Love Travels" on iTunes and have fallen in love with it. It is really a gorgeous album, kind of like a cross between Colbie Caillat and Corrine Bailey Rae. It is a very fun, upbeat, optimistic, acoustic-pop record and I recommend it to everyone. Her voice is clear and gorgeous and her lyrics are all very fun and hopeful. My favorite track on the album, so far, is the opening song called "Chai Tea Latte," which is essentially a song about waiting for somebody you like to actually make a move - like asking you out for a Chai Tea Latte. It is definitely something I find myself relating to right now - the only problem is, I don't know who that person I am waiting for is. Anyway, like I said, check out her album - it is pretty amazing. Now, it is time for bed. Goodnight.