Let’s see where did we last leave off? Oh yes, this morning. After finishing this morning’s blog, I did wind up throwing in some laundry as I said I intended to do. Then I sat at the computer playing “Sorority Life” on Facebook until around 1pm when I finally heard from my Mom. She was off work and wanted to know if I was hungry. I wasn’t severely hungry, but by this point was in that “I could stand to eat” place, so I told her to come home and we would figure out what we wanted to do from there. Turns out my Mom was REALLY hungry and was kind of rushed to eat and wanted to decide on whatever we were going to do right away so we could get on with it. So, I did a bit of a rushed job of getting dressed and ready to leave the house. At this point, I was feeling well enough that I figured going out would be okay. We kind of briefly discussed plans for the day and both agreed that it was more of a stay-in day than anything else. We didn’t really have a lot that we needed to go out for, so we figured we’d go out and eat, then do the few things we needed to do and come back home and stay in. First things first, though, we needed to get some food in my Mom’s stomach.
We decided to go to Perkins for brunch because they are one of those places that serve breakfast all day. We were both in the mood for breakfast, so it seemed like a good idea. It was nice to go to brunch with my Mom – it seemed like it had been a while since we’d last done that. We both decided that we wanted to buy some muffins while we were there because Perkins has some really delicious Apple & Cinnamon muffins that are buy 3 get 3 free, and we made the agreement that I would buy brunch and she would buy the muffins. I kind of got a raw deal there, but I did that on purpose. After that, before doing anything else, my Mom wanted to go drive over the bridge out to Lido Key. This is her favorite thing to do in town – she does it every time she gets a chance. I think it is a bit of a spiritual experience for her in some ways – it puts her at peace and reminds her of the beauty surrounding us. I like to go along whenever I can because it is a nice experience to share and I try to let it have the same effect on me. On our way there, though, I asked if we could make a little side trip to the Allegro Music Academy, just so I could be sure of where it was exactly and how long it might take to get there. When we got down there I found that it was further than I had initially thought, but not so far that it will be TOO much of a nuisance. Of course, I haven’t asked my sister about taking me there yet – she may think it’s more of a nuisance than I do. Scratch that – she will DEFINITELY think it is more of a nuisance than I do. Still, it is the cutest little building and seems like a very professional setup they have there. I am thinking it may be a good idea to call and reschedule my appointment, though, because it is far enough that if I got stuck on a call at the end of the day or something, it might be troublesome to get there on time for a 6:30pm appointment. Plus, it is a 45-minute lesson – so, it would be ending at 7:15pm. That is a whole 45 minutes before my Mom gets off work. If I could schedule it for 7pm, it would only be a 15 minute wait before she gets off, which would be much more manageable. Still, seeing the building and the Allegro Music Academy sign outside and such got me very excited to get started. I can’t wait!
My Mom figured since we were already that far north, we might as well go do another of her favorite things to do in town – go to Sonic. It is really silly, but she loves to go there and get drinks. Neither of us order food from there normally, because it just isn’t very good, but their sodas have crushed ice and that is reason enough to go there specifically for drinks. Plus, you can add a flavor to your drink for free. I always get a Coke with vanilla, and my Mom tends to get Diet Sprite with Cranberry. It’s one of those extremely simple pleasures one can find in life, I suppose. After that, we drove back to Sarasota and went over the bridge – it was particularly beautiful today and my Mom asked me, “Do you have your camera?” I didn’t. I suppose I am picking myself back up in terms of my artistic endeavors one at a time – first was the music lessons, maybe the camera will come next. Once we made it over the bridge, I happened to notice something that may actually provide a pretty decent opportunity to pick up the camera again. There was a sign out there advertising an arts and crafts fair going on out on Lido Beach today and tomorrow. My first thought was to text Rachel about this. As I mentioned in yesterday/this morning’s blog, Rachel and I have made plans to go wander tomorrow and weren’t sure what we were going to do. As soon as I saw the sign I knew that would be up Rachel’s alley and I did say that I wanted to look at some art. Plus, it is art out on one of the most beautiful beaches in the area. I know everybody is all about Siesta Beach, but I have always preferred Lido. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but I have always just been more partial to that beach. I also have developed some very special and some very painful memories at that beach. Either way, though, I think this sounds like a perfect plan for something to do with Rachel tomorrow. She seemed to agree, too.
Once we came back over the bridge, I started feeling pretty strange. I don’t know if it was the sun or just being more active than I had been in days, but I started feeling really light-headed, dizzy and drained of all energy. My Mom also mentioned that she was feeling really tired, so we decided to come home instead of the rest of the things we had planned. We weren’t planning on anything urgent and decided we could go back out later. When we got home, my Mom immediately went to lie down for a nap and I came into my bedroom and zoned out in front of the computer – Yes, there was more “Sorority Life” played. It is becoming a bit of a sickness, really, as a result of my actual sickness. I suppose I need something to obsess over when I am sick and have more free time than usual. It is really easy to zone out in front of, though, and that is exactly what I have been doing these past couple days. I was at that for maybe an hour or an hour and a half before my Mom woke up and we sat down to watch the ending of “Clueless,” which just happened to be on the Lifetime Movie Network. After that ended, “Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit” started and before we could get sucked into that one, we decided to go out again. The only plans we had left at that point were to go to Blockbuster and pick up some of their 3 for $20 previously viewed DVDs and go to Walgreen’s for some new makeup. I figured I could afford to spend $20 on DVDs and $20 on makeup. That would be plenty for each, I figured.
When we got to Blockbuster I discovered that the 3 for $20 previously viewed DVDs were no longer, and now those same titles were 2 for $20 and then a bunch of older stuff was 4 for $20 or 5 for $25. I didn’t feel like the new-ish titles were worth $10 each, and I didn’t want anything that was 4 for $20 or 5 for $25. We wound up leaving there empty-handed. This worked out fairly well for me because when we went to Walgreen’s I wound up spending $40 on makeup. I had some really terrible dark circles under my eyes today, and in general, and was looking into concealer sticks to cover them up. I asked the sales clerk in the cosmetics section at Walgreen’s for an opinion on which shade I should use and she directed me to something else – an under eye firming serum, which is designed to be like liquid Botox under the eyes. This stuff is supposed to firm and tighten the skin under your eyes to reduce the appearance of dark circles or puffiness. It also happened to be on sale, so I figured it was worth a shot. I also picked up a couple of Maybelline Eye Studio eyeshadow duos, in blues and greens, and a couple of eyeliners to replace the crap ones I have right now. I know this doesn’t sound like much for $40, but it is well worth it – I got some really great stuff. The under eye serum was the most expensive thing, so I am kind of excited to see whether or not it works. I think I will give it a try tomorrow, actually, along with trying some of my new eyeshadows – I experimented with them a little bit earlier and figured out that one of the Christian Siriano shades I got will work really well with the green Maybelline I got this evening.
I was a little disappointed, though, that I didn’t get to pick up a movie for us to watch this evening. Then, on our way to Starbucks to pick me up a Chai Tea Latte, I remembered something – one of my co-workers had lent me her bootleg of the movie “Precious.” My Mom and I have both been dying to see this movie since we first saw trailers for it months ago. We decided that this would make for good viewing this evening, so we came home to watch it. What can I say about the movie “Precious?” It is completely heartbreaking, but also extremely uplifting. I laughed a lot, I cried even more but, most of all, I felt completely inspired. It really stands to prove that there really isn’t anything in this world that can’t be overcome. It left me feeling like no matter what troubles I might face, or what emotional issues I may have, there is always a way to rise above. I have always believed that, but this film really reinforced that concept in me so strongly. It is an absolutely amazing film. Best Supporting Actress for M’onique? ABSOLUTELY. Best Actress for Gabourey Sidibe? DEFINITELY. Best Picture? As great as it was, I am still really keeping my fingers crossed for “Up In The Air.” I know it’s silly, because clearly Best Picture is going to go to “Avatar,” which I have yet to see but I don’t doubt probably deserves it, but “Up In The Air” was just such an amazing film. Seriously, of all the nominated films that I have seen, it is absolutely the one I would pick. I don’t know which will win, but I am sure it will be deserved – it was a very good year for the film industry.
Hey, you know what I forgot about earlier? The laundry! It wound up sitting in the dryer all day long and things were a wrinkled mess when I checked in on them about an hour or so ago, so I put a wet rag in and ran the dryer again. It just finished, so I should probably go check on it and then get to bed. I need to get up early-ish tomorrow. Rachel and I are planning on getting together around noon, and I need to shower and shave and such beforehand. Remember last weekend when I said I was going to start showering every night and shaving every other night? That plan went out the window the very next day. Every shower I have taken has been in the morning and completely rushed, and I haven’t shaven in a week now. Tomorrow. I still think that is a good plan, though, and may try to go with it again moving forward. Not tonight, though. I need to go check the laundry, then I need to go to sleep. I am pretty exhausted.
Sunday, February 28
Saturday, February 27
Chapter 113: Everybody Pays As They Go
Okay, so this blog is a little different than usual. This is the blog for Friday, February 26, 2010 although it is actually the morning of Saturday, February 27, 2010. This has happened a few times in the past, but normally I will have started the blog the night before and will write it as if the whole thing was written the night before. That is not the case today, though. I am just going to write from where I am right now – Saturday morning, not Friday night. I will still relay what went on yesterday, but I will not tell it as if I don’t know the ending as I have in the past because it just seems kind of silly.
So, yesterday morning I woke up feeling worse than I had on Thursday and I knew I wasn’t going in to work. I knew the consequences of that, of course, because I had already been considering them on Thursday night. I am pretty sure I will be okay, though. I actually have more money than I had thought initially. Silly as it may sound, before I was only considering the amount I had in the bank and forgetting about the fact that I still have about $80 in cash. It also helps that I have been outbid on one of my Ebay items, the Heatherette MAC eyeshadow palette, and I am not re-bidding on it. I do need to get more makeup colors because I have some really high quality stuff, but I also have a color palette that is really cheap and fades on me even with primer, so I need to replace the colors in that palette that I use frequently. I figure I will make a trip to Walgreen’s sometime this weekend and just pick up some Rimmel or Nyx stuff, which is considerably less expensive than ordering MAC online. Speaking of ordering makeup online, I received a package yesterday of 3 Christian Siriano for Victoria’s Secret makeup eyeshadows. They are gorgeous and I can’t wait to wear them! I can’t wait ‘til doing something like going outside to get the mail doesn’t leave me feeling worn out.
Yes, I called in sick yesterday because I was actually sick. I woke up with my alarm at 7:30am and called in sick a little while after that. Around 10am, though, I went and lay on the couch to watch some TV and wound up falling asleep. I slept until around 3pm and when I woke up I felt a little bit better than I had before. Not much better, unfortunately, but a little bit. I came into my bedroom and sat down at the computer to check out Facebook and Twitter and such, and found that I had an invitation to play the game “Sorority Life” on Facebook. I have always found the Facebook games kind of irritating, but recently Rachel had talked me into play “Farmville,” which I get the appeal of but don’t personally find very interesting or entertaining. However, since I had played “Farmville” recently, I figured the “Sorority Life” thing could be worth checking out. Let me just tell you, I wound up playing that damn game for a few hours. It’s really kind of fun. I guess I like it because I get to build a little sorority girl and make her earn money by playing silly games like Unscrambling words and finding hidden pictures and a strange version of that Bejeweled game. It’s not actually all that entertaining to be honest, and kind of pointless, but it sure helped pass a few hours yesterday. Plus, I gave my Sorority Girl a really hilarious name! Amber and I have this running thing we do at work when we come across customers with unintentionally hilarious names that sound like drag names. It all started with a customer named Ethiopia Mengetsu who I spoke with one day and afterwards was like, “OMG That is totally my new drag name!” We’ve come across some really good ones recently, though, including a woman named Rubinia Dicks, and the name of my Sorority Girl, Seema Vijay.
Fortunately, my day wasn’t entirely wasted on playing Facebook games. I decided yesterday afternoon that I should do SOMETHING to make the day worthwhile and be able to say that I did something slightly productive with it, despite being sick. So, I went back to my listing of places for piano lessons here in town and came across a place that had really stuck out to me when I was looking online before – the Allegro Music Academy. I called them and spoke to a really friendly, professional gentleman who scheduled me an appointment for Monday, March 8, 2010. It was pretty awesome and I am very excited about it. A few really cool things about this place include the fact that the first meeting/lesson is free, and the lessons are $26 for a 30-minute lesson and $39 for a 45-minute lesson, which they recommended and which I prefer, anyway. So, the rates are similar to Eliezer Rivera’s rates, except that this is an actual school and they really came across much more professional. I am really excited to have a music lesson scheduled again! I also like the fact that this school offers other lessons, as well, like voice and guitar, both of which I would like to take eventually. My voice is pretty strong on it’s own, I think, but I figure learning the technicals would only serve to make it stronger. That is something I would definitely like to look into further in the future. Then, of course, there is guitar. We all know the story with me and my guitar. I have always thought that I would probably be able to learn guitar better with a professional instructor, so that is something I would like to try eventually, as well. Piano is my main focus and first priority right now, though. Another reason I am really excited about this is because the book “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less,” says that you need to make socializing a priority in your life in order to be out there and meet people, and one of the ways that the book recommended getting out into the world was by taking some sort of classes – like music classes. It is a way to meet people with similar interests to you and even if you don’t find your Matched Opposite in this way, you may find a friend who could lead you to your Matched Opposite. I’m not necessarily going to count on that, but I do think it would be a good thing to put myself into a setting where I will be around other people with similar interests to my own. Like I said, I am just really excited about this and can’t wait to get started.
My Mom came home at 8pm and we decided to get Chinese food for dinner. I was feeling a bit better by then and figured I was at the tail end of the sickness. I still think that is the case – I am feeling pretty decent this morning, although I still have a cough and am a little achy. It is nothing like it was yesterday morning/afternoon. I am pretty sure I am going to be okay at this point and should be feeling perfectly fine by tomorrow, I’m betting. I hope so, anyway. I made plans to hang out with Rachel tomorrow – we decided that we would go out and explore for a few hours. Explore what, I don’t know, but we both agreed we’d figure it out in the process. As I’ve mentioned a few times recently, I feel like this is exactly the type of activity I could use right about now in my life. I need to do things that are less planned, less structured and more spontaneous and outside of my comfort zone. Rachel is definitely a good person for assisting me in that. She is really good at getting me to try different things and look at things differently. I don’t know what we are going to do tomorrow, although I know we have discussed going to the Ringling Museum recently and I would really like to check that out. Maybe we’ll do that tomorrow. I don’t know what we’ll do, but I’m sure we’ll manage to have fun with whatever it is.
My Mom had to work some overtime today, so she went to bed pretty early last night. I hung out in my bedroom for a while and played some more “Sorority Life” and downloaded some music. I was in a Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac mood, so I downloaded Greatest Hits records from both Stevie solo and Fleetwood Mac. Listening to Stevie Nicks had me in a bit of an 80s mood, so I downloaded the Greatest Hits from the Go-Go’s, as well. I have always been a pretty big fan of the Go-Go’s, and 80s music in general, so I had a good little trip down memory lane listening to them. Of course, I don’t mean a trip down memory lane to when this music was new, since I was just a child then. 80s music, in general, makes me think of when I was living in Arkansas. There was this radio station there called Mix something or other that had what they called “Mixtalgia Weekends,” where they played nothing but 80s music for the entire weekend. I had already had an affinity for some 80s music, but this is where I really developed a deep love for a lot of it that I wasn’t overly familiar with before, including the Go-Go’s, Blondie, Billy Idol and one of my absolute favorite bands, The Cars. This music always takes me back to living in Arkansas. It wasn’t necessarily a good period in my life, but it had it’s moments and the 80s music was one of those better moments. However, my favorite album that I downloaded last night would have to be “Seeing Things” by Jakob Dylan. Jakob Dylan, for those who don’t know, is the son of Bob Dylan and former lead singer of The Wallflowers. The Wallflowers were one of my favorite bands of the 90s. Their album, “Bringing Down The Horse” has long been one of my very favorites. That was back in 1996, though, and I hadn’t really kept up with them since then. I happened to stumble upon this solo record from Jakob, though, and figured it would be worth checking out. I could not have been more right – it is an absolutely gorgeous record, more acoustic than most of the Wallflower’s stuff and a lot of it really has the vibe of those old protest songs, reminiscent of Bob Dylan in a lot of ways. It is a beautiful record and I am listening to it for the fifth time since downloading it last night. It has really gotten under my skin a bit. The opening track is a song called, “Evil Is Alive & Well,” that is both haunting and universally true. Favorites of mine on this album include, “The Valley Of The Low Sun,” “I Told You I Couldn’t Stop,” “War Is Kind,” “Something Good This Way Comes,” “On Up The Mountain,” “This End Of The Telescope” and, my very favorite, “Everybody Pays As They Go.” This song has a pretty clear message to it that I think is kind of important to bear in mind in life – “Some less than others, some right through the nose, everybody pays as they go, the young and old, rich and poor, your mother, she too owes, cause everybody pays as they go.” It’s so true. We all, every last one of us, has something in this life that we will wind up having to pay for. No, I am not talking commerce here – in the spiritual sense, we all have things that we do or pieces of ourselves that will wind up costing us eventually. All I know is that this Jakob Dylan record, “Seeing Things” is absolutely breathtaking, and I would recommend it to everyone. I mean, I don’t know if it would be up everyone’s alley or touch everyone in the way it does me, considering it is basically folk music, but it’s got themes in it that I think everybody can relate to and take something from.
Anyway, that is all for this morning. Like I said, I am feeling considerably better than I did yesterday. Not back to 100% just yet, but much better. I’m not entirely sure what today holds – maybe watching some movies with my Mom, or going out to lunch or something. I really have no idea. I guess I will let it unfold as it will. Speaking of folding and unfolding, I need to do laundry today. I think I will go get started on that now, although “Sorority Life’ sounds kind of tempting right about now. Must resist.
So, yesterday morning I woke up feeling worse than I had on Thursday and I knew I wasn’t going in to work. I knew the consequences of that, of course, because I had already been considering them on Thursday night. I am pretty sure I will be okay, though. I actually have more money than I had thought initially. Silly as it may sound, before I was only considering the amount I had in the bank and forgetting about the fact that I still have about $80 in cash. It also helps that I have been outbid on one of my Ebay items, the Heatherette MAC eyeshadow palette, and I am not re-bidding on it. I do need to get more makeup colors because I have some really high quality stuff, but I also have a color palette that is really cheap and fades on me even with primer, so I need to replace the colors in that palette that I use frequently. I figure I will make a trip to Walgreen’s sometime this weekend and just pick up some Rimmel or Nyx stuff, which is considerably less expensive than ordering MAC online. Speaking of ordering makeup online, I received a package yesterday of 3 Christian Siriano for Victoria’s Secret makeup eyeshadows. They are gorgeous and I can’t wait to wear them! I can’t wait ‘til doing something like going outside to get the mail doesn’t leave me feeling worn out.
Yes, I called in sick yesterday because I was actually sick. I woke up with my alarm at 7:30am and called in sick a little while after that. Around 10am, though, I went and lay on the couch to watch some TV and wound up falling asleep. I slept until around 3pm and when I woke up I felt a little bit better than I had before. Not much better, unfortunately, but a little bit. I came into my bedroom and sat down at the computer to check out Facebook and Twitter and such, and found that I had an invitation to play the game “Sorority Life” on Facebook. I have always found the Facebook games kind of irritating, but recently Rachel had talked me into play “Farmville,” which I get the appeal of but don’t personally find very interesting or entertaining. However, since I had played “Farmville” recently, I figured the “Sorority Life” thing could be worth checking out. Let me just tell you, I wound up playing that damn game for a few hours. It’s really kind of fun. I guess I like it because I get to build a little sorority girl and make her earn money by playing silly games like Unscrambling words and finding hidden pictures and a strange version of that Bejeweled game. It’s not actually all that entertaining to be honest, and kind of pointless, but it sure helped pass a few hours yesterday. Plus, I gave my Sorority Girl a really hilarious name! Amber and I have this running thing we do at work when we come across customers with unintentionally hilarious names that sound like drag names. It all started with a customer named Ethiopia Mengetsu who I spoke with one day and afterwards was like, “OMG That is totally my new drag name!” We’ve come across some really good ones recently, though, including a woman named Rubinia Dicks, and the name of my Sorority Girl, Seema Vijay.
Fortunately, my day wasn’t entirely wasted on playing Facebook games. I decided yesterday afternoon that I should do SOMETHING to make the day worthwhile and be able to say that I did something slightly productive with it, despite being sick. So, I went back to my listing of places for piano lessons here in town and came across a place that had really stuck out to me when I was looking online before – the Allegro Music Academy. I called them and spoke to a really friendly, professional gentleman who scheduled me an appointment for Monday, March 8, 2010. It was pretty awesome and I am very excited about it. A few really cool things about this place include the fact that the first meeting/lesson is free, and the lessons are $26 for a 30-minute lesson and $39 for a 45-minute lesson, which they recommended and which I prefer, anyway. So, the rates are similar to Eliezer Rivera’s rates, except that this is an actual school and they really came across much more professional. I am really excited to have a music lesson scheduled again! I also like the fact that this school offers other lessons, as well, like voice and guitar, both of which I would like to take eventually. My voice is pretty strong on it’s own, I think, but I figure learning the technicals would only serve to make it stronger. That is something I would definitely like to look into further in the future. Then, of course, there is guitar. We all know the story with me and my guitar. I have always thought that I would probably be able to learn guitar better with a professional instructor, so that is something I would like to try eventually, as well. Piano is my main focus and first priority right now, though. Another reason I am really excited about this is because the book “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less,” says that you need to make socializing a priority in your life in order to be out there and meet people, and one of the ways that the book recommended getting out into the world was by taking some sort of classes – like music classes. It is a way to meet people with similar interests to you and even if you don’t find your Matched Opposite in this way, you may find a friend who could lead you to your Matched Opposite. I’m not necessarily going to count on that, but I do think it would be a good thing to put myself into a setting where I will be around other people with similar interests to my own. Like I said, I am just really excited about this and can’t wait to get started.
My Mom came home at 8pm and we decided to get Chinese food for dinner. I was feeling a bit better by then and figured I was at the tail end of the sickness. I still think that is the case – I am feeling pretty decent this morning, although I still have a cough and am a little achy. It is nothing like it was yesterday morning/afternoon. I am pretty sure I am going to be okay at this point and should be feeling perfectly fine by tomorrow, I’m betting. I hope so, anyway. I made plans to hang out with Rachel tomorrow – we decided that we would go out and explore for a few hours. Explore what, I don’t know, but we both agreed we’d figure it out in the process. As I’ve mentioned a few times recently, I feel like this is exactly the type of activity I could use right about now in my life. I need to do things that are less planned, less structured and more spontaneous and outside of my comfort zone. Rachel is definitely a good person for assisting me in that. She is really good at getting me to try different things and look at things differently. I don’t know what we are going to do tomorrow, although I know we have discussed going to the Ringling Museum recently and I would really like to check that out. Maybe we’ll do that tomorrow. I don’t know what we’ll do, but I’m sure we’ll manage to have fun with whatever it is.
My Mom had to work some overtime today, so she went to bed pretty early last night. I hung out in my bedroom for a while and played some more “Sorority Life” and downloaded some music. I was in a Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac mood, so I downloaded Greatest Hits records from both Stevie solo and Fleetwood Mac. Listening to Stevie Nicks had me in a bit of an 80s mood, so I downloaded the Greatest Hits from the Go-Go’s, as well. I have always been a pretty big fan of the Go-Go’s, and 80s music in general, so I had a good little trip down memory lane listening to them. Of course, I don’t mean a trip down memory lane to when this music was new, since I was just a child then. 80s music, in general, makes me think of when I was living in Arkansas. There was this radio station there called Mix something or other that had what they called “Mixtalgia Weekends,” where they played nothing but 80s music for the entire weekend. I had already had an affinity for some 80s music, but this is where I really developed a deep love for a lot of it that I wasn’t overly familiar with before, including the Go-Go’s, Blondie, Billy Idol and one of my absolute favorite bands, The Cars. This music always takes me back to living in Arkansas. It wasn’t necessarily a good period in my life, but it had it’s moments and the 80s music was one of those better moments. However, my favorite album that I downloaded last night would have to be “Seeing Things” by Jakob Dylan. Jakob Dylan, for those who don’t know, is the son of Bob Dylan and former lead singer of The Wallflowers. The Wallflowers were one of my favorite bands of the 90s. Their album, “Bringing Down The Horse” has long been one of my very favorites. That was back in 1996, though, and I hadn’t really kept up with them since then. I happened to stumble upon this solo record from Jakob, though, and figured it would be worth checking out. I could not have been more right – it is an absolutely gorgeous record, more acoustic than most of the Wallflower’s stuff and a lot of it really has the vibe of those old protest songs, reminiscent of Bob Dylan in a lot of ways. It is a beautiful record and I am listening to it for the fifth time since downloading it last night. It has really gotten under my skin a bit. The opening track is a song called, “Evil Is Alive & Well,” that is both haunting and universally true. Favorites of mine on this album include, “The Valley Of The Low Sun,” “I Told You I Couldn’t Stop,” “War Is Kind,” “Something Good This Way Comes,” “On Up The Mountain,” “This End Of The Telescope” and, my very favorite, “Everybody Pays As They Go.” This song has a pretty clear message to it that I think is kind of important to bear in mind in life – “Some less than others, some right through the nose, everybody pays as they go, the young and old, rich and poor, your mother, she too owes, cause everybody pays as they go.” It’s so true. We all, every last one of us, has something in this life that we will wind up having to pay for. No, I am not talking commerce here – in the spiritual sense, we all have things that we do or pieces of ourselves that will wind up costing us eventually. All I know is that this Jakob Dylan record, “Seeing Things” is absolutely breathtaking, and I would recommend it to everyone. I mean, I don’t know if it would be up everyone’s alley or touch everyone in the way it does me, considering it is basically folk music, but it’s got themes in it that I think everybody can relate to and take something from.
Anyway, that is all for this morning. Like I said, I am feeling considerably better than I did yesterday. Not back to 100% just yet, but much better. I’m not entirely sure what today holds – maybe watching some movies with my Mom, or going out to lunch or something. I really have no idea. I guess I will let it unfold as it will. Speaking of folding and unfolding, I need to do laundry today. I think I will go get started on that now, although “Sorority Life’ sounds kind of tempting right about now. Must resist.
Thursday, February 25
Chapter 112: Alright With Me
Today kind of sucked, if I am being honest. That’s not entirely true. It wasn’t a terrible day, overall, I just felt terrible. I woke up this morning and my body still felt really achy and drained of all energy. I spent a little while trying to figure out if I should go to work or not. I was weighing the pros, (not having to go sit there and feel terrible,) and cons, (losing an entire day’s pay,) but was having trouble deciding. I sat there for quite a while trying to decide and, right around 8:30am, finally decided to go. I went and got myself all dressed and ready for the day, complete with a blue/brown eyeshadow blend that matched my shirt perfectly, and still felt pretty bad. As soon as I got to work, I knew it was a bad idea. I felt awful. I kept getting really hot and then really cold and going back and forth with that and my whole body was feeling very weighed down, (more so than usual,) and simple tasks like walking up or down the stairs left me feeling winded and completely worn out. I told my sister very early on that I wasn’t feeling well and that I was almost not going to come in at all and that if it got much worse I would be asking to leave early. My Mom told me before work what her break schedule was and to let her know if I did need to go home and she could take me on one of her breaks. By noon, after having been there for 2.5 hours, I knew it was already too much, so I told my sister that I needed to go home but that I would wait until 1:30pm when my Mom had a break. One of my co-workers overheard the exchange with my sister and kept asking me all these different questions about how I was feeling and why I was leaving, etc. I found it kind of irritating because it really came across as if I was being interrogated or getting the third degree. At the same time, though, I understand that this particular person tends to have an inquisitive mind, which can sometimes come across as nosy. I think I was just getting irritated with it because I was already in a bad mood from not feeling well. This time I decided to go by my Mom’s desk beforehand to tell her I was leaving and would need a ride. I wanted to make sure to avoid an issue like we had last week when I left early. I also felt kind of bad because I left early last week, as well, but I was feeling genuinely bad both times. I have no reason to feel guilty for either incident, but I still do. I think this is a part of having my sister as a supervisor – she can make me feel bad about things more than a regular supervisor could because I feel a natural sense of loyalty and obligation to her. I don’t know. It sucks. I didn’t like leaving early, and when the time came I kind of made it a point to slip out without really saying anything to anybody.
When I got home, the first thing I did was pour myself a glass of Orange Juice. Everybody has been telling me to take Vitamin C or something to fight the germs, but I knew I didn’t have any Vitamin C at home. Orange Juice, on the other hand, I had plenty of. I drank it for the rest of the day, and had a bowl of Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch. The main thing I felt like I needed, though, was rest. I laid down on the couch and turned on the past two night’s episodes of “American Idol.” They have reached the top 24, and had the top 12 girls perform Tuesday night, with the top 12 boys performing Wednesday and a “results” show tonight. I have this long-running tradition ever since “American Idol” started where I pick a winner in the early stages of the competition. It started back in Season 1 when I saw Kelly Clarkson on the very first episode with the top 10 and said right then and there, “She’s going to win.” I have done that every season since and every time the winner is a girl I have been right. Every season where a guy has won, the person I picked was second place, right up to Adam Lambert, who I picked to win during “Hollywood Week.” Well, I have yet to pick a winner this season. I know it is still early, but it doesn’t seem like there is a really clear-cut winner. The talent this season all seems so mediocre compared to previous seasons and there isn’t a single person there who really blows you away. I hate when that happens. The season with Katharine McPhee and that terrible Taylor Hicks guy was like that, too – even Katharine McPhee was the best of a group of people who weren’t really all that interesting. A lot of people have the opinion that “American Idol” is silly and frivolous and not really worth watching, and while I can certainly understand their point I don’t agree. The main reason for this is because I feel like “American Idol” is giving America an early look at and a hand in selecting who their next big pop star is going to be. Sure, it doesn’t always work out that way for the person who wins. After all, for every Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks or even David Cook, there is a Ruben Studdard, a Fantasia, a Taylor Hicks or, sadly, a Kris Allen, (although, the jury is still out on him, really – his album is great!) However, no matter what happens with the winner, there has been a major force in the music industry to come out of every season. I don’t know – I think it’s a really good thing for the kids who make it on the show and for fans and followers of the music industry, and even when a season is kind of bland like this one so far, I still like to keep an eye on what is happening on there. Sadly, there were some really terrible performances from the girls. I really don’t think this is a girl’s season, as Simon Cowell has publicly stated. The guys aren’t much better than the girls, but I think they are at least more interesting. There is one girl on there, though, who I really like. Her name is Haeley Vaughn, she is 16 years old and she’s just unusual. She’s a little African-American girl with a guitar, which is unusual enough, but she is really bubbly, happy and funny and chooses really offbeat songs to sing. I like her. I don’t know that I think she will win, but I find her very entertaining and am pretty sure she will at least make top 10.
In the middle of watching “American Idol,” I fell asleep for a little while. I probably slept for about a half hour or so and woke up feeling a bit better than I did when I went to sleep. It was nearly 7pm by this time, and I spent a little while checking up on a few things online. I hadn’t visited one of my favorite celebrity gossip sites, Oh No They Didn’t, in quite a while and decided to check in on it. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much to find there. No overly interesting celebrity news is happening at the moment, apparently. The guy who played “Boner” on “Growing Pains” went missing and his body was found today, apparently. I dicked around online for a while longer, checking in on my Ebay auctions and such, (I’m still winning the Richie Rich/Heatherette Vans!) and just kind of passed the time until 8pm when my Mom got off work. She called me before coming home and asked if she should pick up some food or if we should order something. I told her to just come home and we could figure it out then. We sat and watched the “American Idol” results show, which was boring. Most of the people who went home were people who shouldn’t have made it through to this stage in the first place. We wound up just eating leftovers for dinner. My Mom had Thai food and I had some sort of pork hash that her boyfriend had made and fried up an egg to go with it. I was telling my Mom at that point that I felt like, based on how I was feeling then, I would be fine to go to work tomorrow. Unfortunately, after a little while, that feeling changed. I wasn’t sure if I actually had what she was sick with before because I hadn’t developed a cough at this point, which she had. Unfortunately, that seems to have changed since then and I have found myself coughing quite a bit. I also keep getting really hot then getting really cold and going back and forth between the two. My body is also feeling really drained and sore again. I don’t know what’s going to happen between now and morning, but I would REALLY prefer not to miss work again. It would really suck if both my Mom and I had short paychecks next time. Fortunately, hers isn’t going to be THAT short, (and actually won’t be short at all, just missing overtime,) and I have extra cash in the bank, so we should be okay if I do have to miss tomorrow. Still, it would be really nice if I could keep that extra money I have as extra. After all, I have been spending like I had extra money. If that money is no longer extra, but is making up for missing money, then I wind up being kind of almost short right now. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I do have quite a bit. That would just mean that I would absolutely have to stop spending it right now, which I already intended to do once my Ebay auctions end. I don’t know how I am going to be feeling in the morning, though. I guess the best way to find out, though, would be to go to bed. The quicker I fall asleep, the quicker I will wake up in the morning and figure out what is going to happen from there. I took some Nyquil a little while ago and I can really feel it kicking in so I should probably get to bed, anyway. Fingers crossed I will feel normal by morning and can just move forward. That would be, like the Kris Allen song I am listening to right now, "Alright With Me."
When I got home, the first thing I did was pour myself a glass of Orange Juice. Everybody has been telling me to take Vitamin C or something to fight the germs, but I knew I didn’t have any Vitamin C at home. Orange Juice, on the other hand, I had plenty of. I drank it for the rest of the day, and had a bowl of Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch. The main thing I felt like I needed, though, was rest. I laid down on the couch and turned on the past two night’s episodes of “American Idol.” They have reached the top 24, and had the top 12 girls perform Tuesday night, with the top 12 boys performing Wednesday and a “results” show tonight. I have this long-running tradition ever since “American Idol” started where I pick a winner in the early stages of the competition. It started back in Season 1 when I saw Kelly Clarkson on the very first episode with the top 10 and said right then and there, “She’s going to win.” I have done that every season since and every time the winner is a girl I have been right. Every season where a guy has won, the person I picked was second place, right up to Adam Lambert, who I picked to win during “Hollywood Week.” Well, I have yet to pick a winner this season. I know it is still early, but it doesn’t seem like there is a really clear-cut winner. The talent this season all seems so mediocre compared to previous seasons and there isn’t a single person there who really blows you away. I hate when that happens. The season with Katharine McPhee and that terrible Taylor Hicks guy was like that, too – even Katharine McPhee was the best of a group of people who weren’t really all that interesting. A lot of people have the opinion that “American Idol” is silly and frivolous and not really worth watching, and while I can certainly understand their point I don’t agree. The main reason for this is because I feel like “American Idol” is giving America an early look at and a hand in selecting who their next big pop star is going to be. Sure, it doesn’t always work out that way for the person who wins. After all, for every Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks or even David Cook, there is a Ruben Studdard, a Fantasia, a Taylor Hicks or, sadly, a Kris Allen, (although, the jury is still out on him, really – his album is great!) However, no matter what happens with the winner, there has been a major force in the music industry to come out of every season. I don’t know – I think it’s a really good thing for the kids who make it on the show and for fans and followers of the music industry, and even when a season is kind of bland like this one so far, I still like to keep an eye on what is happening on there. Sadly, there were some really terrible performances from the girls. I really don’t think this is a girl’s season, as Simon Cowell has publicly stated. The guys aren’t much better than the girls, but I think they are at least more interesting. There is one girl on there, though, who I really like. Her name is Haeley Vaughn, she is 16 years old and she’s just unusual. She’s a little African-American girl with a guitar, which is unusual enough, but she is really bubbly, happy and funny and chooses really offbeat songs to sing. I like her. I don’t know that I think she will win, but I find her very entertaining and am pretty sure she will at least make top 10.
In the middle of watching “American Idol,” I fell asleep for a little while. I probably slept for about a half hour or so and woke up feeling a bit better than I did when I went to sleep. It was nearly 7pm by this time, and I spent a little while checking up on a few things online. I hadn’t visited one of my favorite celebrity gossip sites, Oh No They Didn’t, in quite a while and decided to check in on it. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much to find there. No overly interesting celebrity news is happening at the moment, apparently. The guy who played “Boner” on “Growing Pains” went missing and his body was found today, apparently. I dicked around online for a while longer, checking in on my Ebay auctions and such, (I’m still winning the Richie Rich/Heatherette Vans!) and just kind of passed the time until 8pm when my Mom got off work. She called me before coming home and asked if she should pick up some food or if we should order something. I told her to just come home and we could figure it out then. We sat and watched the “American Idol” results show, which was boring. Most of the people who went home were people who shouldn’t have made it through to this stage in the first place. We wound up just eating leftovers for dinner. My Mom had Thai food and I had some sort of pork hash that her boyfriend had made and fried up an egg to go with it. I was telling my Mom at that point that I felt like, based on how I was feeling then, I would be fine to go to work tomorrow. Unfortunately, after a little while, that feeling changed. I wasn’t sure if I actually had what she was sick with before because I hadn’t developed a cough at this point, which she had. Unfortunately, that seems to have changed since then and I have found myself coughing quite a bit. I also keep getting really hot then getting really cold and going back and forth between the two. My body is also feeling really drained and sore again. I don’t know what’s going to happen between now and morning, but I would REALLY prefer not to miss work again. It would really suck if both my Mom and I had short paychecks next time. Fortunately, hers isn’t going to be THAT short, (and actually won’t be short at all, just missing overtime,) and I have extra cash in the bank, so we should be okay if I do have to miss tomorrow. Still, it would be really nice if I could keep that extra money I have as extra. After all, I have been spending like I had extra money. If that money is no longer extra, but is making up for missing money, then I wind up being kind of almost short right now. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I do have quite a bit. That would just mean that I would absolutely have to stop spending it right now, which I already intended to do once my Ebay auctions end. I don’t know how I am going to be feeling in the morning, though. I guess the best way to find out, though, would be to go to bed. The quicker I fall asleep, the quicker I will wake up in the morning and figure out what is going to happen from there. I took some Nyquil a little while ago and I can really feel it kicking in so I should probably get to bed, anyway. Fingers crossed I will feel normal by morning and can just move forward. That would be, like the Kris Allen song I am listening to right now, "Alright With Me."
Wednesday, February 24
Chapter 111: Genius
Today was a day. I wouldn’t say it was a great day but I wouldn’t say it was a terrible day, either. Unfortunately, I am not able to say that I took any major actions to make it a more interesting day than the past few have been but I can say that I have at least put myself much more in the frame of mind that I need to be in than I have been before. I spent a lot of time today thinking about projects that I want to work on, like hand painting some clothes and creating a vision board. I didn’t actually talk about it in last night’s blog because I came up with the idea after writing the blog, but I have decided to create a vision board. A vision board, for those who don’t know, is essentially a board on which you place images or words or whatever it is you want out of life. They are great tools for visualizing the things that you want and keeping you focused on those goals. I have started a little list of things that I want on my vision board, although they are mainly just things and people that I draw inspiration from and aspire to have or become. I am thinking it would be a cool idea to do a large scale one for home and a smaller one to keep at work, because I spend the bulk of most days there and feel like I could kind of use the inspiration there more than anywhere else. I also came up with a few ideas for t-shirts that I might like to try to paint – so far, I am liking the idea of doing handwritten quotes from music that I love on t-shirts. My favorite idea so far is doing a t-shirt with the line, “I can’t pay my rent, but I’m fucking gorgeous,” from the song “Semi Precious Weapons” by the band Semi Precious Weapons. I just feel like that line really kind of captures the mindset of so many people today, and a mindset that I fall into pretty easily every now and then. It is that mindset that feeds the fashion industry. There are so many kids out there who can’t afford to pay their rent or bills or can’t put food on the table but are completely dedicated to fashion. There are just as many kids with the same problems who are completely dedicated to music or filmmaking or art of any type, and those kids deserve to be celebrated. They are the kids who are going to fight like hell to find a way to be the next Lady Gaga or Christian Siriano or Scissor Sisters, etc. I am one of those kids, in a lot of ways, but I may be slightly more sensible than some of them. Sometimes I wonder if that isn’t a bad thing for me. I wonder if those kids have it right. I wonder if perhaps by living lives that are not the most secure currently they are really, without even realizing it, taking the time to cultivate their talents and planting the seeds that will eventually grow into a personal revolution. I don’t necessarily feel like I am cultivating my talents at this time or planting the seeds for a future where I am going to make a difference in the world. Sometimes I see those kinds of kids and find myself wondering how in the world they get by in life… but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they are looking at me and wondering the same thing. Maybe to them, I am just wasting my life and squandering my potential by giving so much of my focus to my 9-to-5. I don’t know.
I have always thought that there are people who have ideas and there are people who have plans. The people who have ideas are those really artsy types who dedicate their entire lives to their crafts without deviation – the people who call in sick to work because they’d just rather spend the day drawing or painting or whatever. My friend Rachel was telling me about her friend who will spend the majority of her time coming up with random crafts to make and she decorates her entire house with all these things she makes out of empty cigarette packs or bottle caps or whatever else she can find and figure out how to make something out of. I found myself feeling kind of envious of this person, or wishing that I could be like that. That is a person with ideas. I have plenty of ideas, but I have more of a tendency to turn those ideas into plans. For example, the random drawings I was doing at work. I took those from being just random ideas in my head to pass the time and turned them into plans for designing t-shirts. I went from playing around with my keyboard and coming up with ideas for songs to plans for music lessons so I could be “doing it right.” Maybe the idea people have it right. After all, the problem with plans is that they often fall through. I was watching NewNowNext Pop Lab on Logo earlier this evening and saw a video by this woman named Rachael Sage for a song called “Too Many Women.” It was a really great song and I was really impressed with this woman, considering I had never heard of her before. I looked her up on Wikipedia and found that she has released 10 albums and has been working since back in the 90s. I also discovered that this woman had never had any professional music lessons and taught herself to play piano. This was pretty crazy because the piano on “Too Many Women” sounded amazing. This is kind of like one of my favorite artists, Jay Brannan, who taught himself guitar but plays amazingly well. I’ll bet they were idea people. At the same time, though, the problem that I always see in these idea people is that they have strokes of genius but they always seem to lack the drive to do anything with those ideas. Of course, there are always cases that go against the grain – Lady Gaga, for example, is pretty clearly and idea person and she has managed to make a name for herself in a huge way. It just seems like if you have an idea, but don’t have a plan you aren’t ever going to get anywhere. I don’t know. I am making myself feel bad, though. I need to remember not to be envious of anybody, whether they are idea people or not, because I know that I already have everything I need to make my dreams come true – I just have to figure out the method by which I am going to do it. I know that I will figure it out. After all, the Universe is working in my favor and I know that it will never steer me wrong.
So, I didn’t work out again this morning. I went in to my Mom’s room and she seemed to still be feeling really badly and I didn’t want to try to make her do it when she was still feeling so bad. Of course, I could have done it by myself. I am willing to admit here in this blog that I was simply feeling unmotivated and tired and didn’t really want to do it. That is terrible, I know, because I have to dedicate myself to losing weight – I just keep allowing myself to give in to my laziness in the moment and not do it. It is terrible. I suppose all that I can do is keep working at it and force myself to fight through laziness/lack of energy when I start to feel it. After all, I know what I need to be doing and I am making a choice not to do it. I just have to force myself to do the right thing, no matter how much I feel like doing the wrong things. I know it will serve me much better in the end to have lost weight and be wearing gorgeous clothes than it will to have had a little extra time that one random morning. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I am going to end up working in the morning. This time, though, I will have a pretty valid excuse, (more on that later.)
Work was pretty busy today. It wasn’t really busy, but it was busier than it has been lately. I finished reading “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less.” The entire book was about finding the person you want to be with, your Matched Opposite, and how to make them fall for you. The last portion, though, tried to talk a little more about falling in love and keeping it that way. I found this part terribly cliché and unrealistic. I hate that about the concepts of love that are put out there by authors and filmmakers and even songwriters half the time – it is cheesy, contrived and unrealistic. Because it is what we are inundated with as a society, that is what we have come to believe love really is and I hate that. It seems so rare that you find a really genuine, accurate depiction of love in the media. Love, as I understand it, is certainly an amazing feeling to have but it is not all sunshine and rainbows and such. I don’t know how to really articulate the idea that I am trying to get across here, but it just doesn’t seem like you get a lot of expressions of what love is really like for so many people out there. One of my favorite concepts of love in music is the song “Genius” by The Murmurs. The chorus of this song says, “She’s kind of freaky. She’s kind of weird. She’s kind of freaky, but I don’t know… I think she’s a genius.” That, to me, is love. It is about seeing a person for all of their quirks and flaws and such but still finding them to be wonderful and amazing and, well, a genius. That is the kind of love that I am looking for. People have a tendency to think I’m kind of freaky and I’m kind of weird. I am looking for that person who sees all of that, but still thinks I’m a genius. I am also looking for that person that I can say the exact same thing about. How do you find that? I don’t know, but I intend to figure it out.
As I mentioned, my Mom was really sick over the weekend and missed work yesterday and the day before. That sucks and could wind up hurting us a little bit financially in the coming weeks. Fortunately, with the overtime her account offers, she has managed to figure out a way to still get a full 40 hours for the week, which is a very good thing. I really don’t think it is going to make too big a difference overall. However, it has prompted me to make a decision about something that I was kind of excited about. I have decided not to buy tickets to Sheryl Crow at Universal Studios. Those would cost about $100, and $100 could go towards a lot of different things, like the remaining balance on my phone bill right now or helping out with my Mom’s car payment or something else that is much more of a necessity than seeing Sheryl Crow. After all, a part of my reasoning behind this is the fact that Sheryl Crow is still in good health and doesn’t show any signs of retiring or anything like that, so I anticipate she will be touring for years to come. Plus, by the time she comes back to the area I should be in a much better financial state than I am in currently. Another contributing factor to this decision is the fact that this show is at Universal Studios and will mainly be filled with people who are there for the park and just happen to be like, “Oh hey, Sheryl Crow is over there – let’s go watch.” I’d much rather go to an ACTUAL Sheryl Crow concert with a crowd of people who are pretty much all there for the same reason – to see an artist they love. It just seemed like the best decision to make right now. Plus, I kind of feel like I have been spending too much money lately, even though I know I haven’t. In fact, I had $46 and some change in the bank and $300 was deposited yesterday. There is currently a balance of $267 and some change. I really haven’t spent that much, especially considering I bought a carton of cigarettes out of that, as well. I think I just feel like I’ve been spending too much because I have been looking at a lot of stuff. Of course, I have a couple of bids in on items on Ebay. Even if I win both of these things, they will only set me back about $50. Plus, they are both items that I will get a ton of use and enjoyment out of. As I mentioned in previous blogs, I’ve already purchased a John Galliano t-shirt and 3 Christian Siriano for Victoria’s Secret eyeshadows on Ebay, both of which I am really excited to receive. Well, the items I am bidding on now are just as good and I am just as excited about them! First of all, I am bidding on a limited edition MAC eyeshadow trio designed by Heatherette, who I absolutely love. I also have a bid in on a pair of limited edition Van’s designed by Heatherette designer, Richie Rich – they are high top Van’s with a cool futuristic black on black checkerboard design covered in lips and dollar signs and letters spelling out Richie Rich. They are gorgeous and I am REALLY keeping my fingers crossed that I get them! We’ll see.
That paragraph didn’t go where I was initially intending it to go. Like I said, my Mom has been sick for the past few days and still isn’t feeling at her best, (although she does seem considerably better this evening than she did this morning or yesterday.) I also noticed a lot of people at work have been sick with the same type of symptoms she has. Unfortunately, this afternoon at work I noticed myself starting to get a bit of a scratchy throat and a heavy feeling, as well. It wasn’t anything that seemed overly severe while I was there. When I got home, though, I suddenly found myself feeling completely drained and spent the time between when I got home and when my Mom got off work laying on the couch and lacking the energy to even hold up the TV remote. This is definitely not good. My whole body has that achy feeling and my head is feeling really heavy and I feel really warm even though I know it isn’t warm at all in the house. Essentially, I am pretty sure that I am getting sick. This is really not a good thing. I do not want to miss work. I don’t have enough issues that I would get written up for it or anything. I’m less concerned about what it would mean for work than I am about what it would mean for my next paycheck. It seems like I would be defeating the purpose of trying to save money because of my Mom’s missing money if I wound up missing money from my next check, as well. I took some Nyquil tonight and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I will be feeling fine in the morning. Sadly, though, it seems that most people have been hit pretty hard with this. Still, I am going to give the Nyquil the night to work and hope for the best. That Nyquil does seem to be kicking in, though. It is only 11:19pm, but I think I should probably get to bed. Here’s hoping for a morning of feeling much better than I do right now.
I have always thought that there are people who have ideas and there are people who have plans. The people who have ideas are those really artsy types who dedicate their entire lives to their crafts without deviation – the people who call in sick to work because they’d just rather spend the day drawing or painting or whatever. My friend Rachel was telling me about her friend who will spend the majority of her time coming up with random crafts to make and she decorates her entire house with all these things she makes out of empty cigarette packs or bottle caps or whatever else she can find and figure out how to make something out of. I found myself feeling kind of envious of this person, or wishing that I could be like that. That is a person with ideas. I have plenty of ideas, but I have more of a tendency to turn those ideas into plans. For example, the random drawings I was doing at work. I took those from being just random ideas in my head to pass the time and turned them into plans for designing t-shirts. I went from playing around with my keyboard and coming up with ideas for songs to plans for music lessons so I could be “doing it right.” Maybe the idea people have it right. After all, the problem with plans is that they often fall through. I was watching NewNowNext Pop Lab on Logo earlier this evening and saw a video by this woman named Rachael Sage for a song called “Too Many Women.” It was a really great song and I was really impressed with this woman, considering I had never heard of her before. I looked her up on Wikipedia and found that she has released 10 albums and has been working since back in the 90s. I also discovered that this woman had never had any professional music lessons and taught herself to play piano. This was pretty crazy because the piano on “Too Many Women” sounded amazing. This is kind of like one of my favorite artists, Jay Brannan, who taught himself guitar but plays amazingly well. I’ll bet they were idea people. At the same time, though, the problem that I always see in these idea people is that they have strokes of genius but they always seem to lack the drive to do anything with those ideas. Of course, there are always cases that go against the grain – Lady Gaga, for example, is pretty clearly and idea person and she has managed to make a name for herself in a huge way. It just seems like if you have an idea, but don’t have a plan you aren’t ever going to get anywhere. I don’t know. I am making myself feel bad, though. I need to remember not to be envious of anybody, whether they are idea people or not, because I know that I already have everything I need to make my dreams come true – I just have to figure out the method by which I am going to do it. I know that I will figure it out. After all, the Universe is working in my favor and I know that it will never steer me wrong.
So, I didn’t work out again this morning. I went in to my Mom’s room and she seemed to still be feeling really badly and I didn’t want to try to make her do it when she was still feeling so bad. Of course, I could have done it by myself. I am willing to admit here in this blog that I was simply feeling unmotivated and tired and didn’t really want to do it. That is terrible, I know, because I have to dedicate myself to losing weight – I just keep allowing myself to give in to my laziness in the moment and not do it. It is terrible. I suppose all that I can do is keep working at it and force myself to fight through laziness/lack of energy when I start to feel it. After all, I know what I need to be doing and I am making a choice not to do it. I just have to force myself to do the right thing, no matter how much I feel like doing the wrong things. I know it will serve me much better in the end to have lost weight and be wearing gorgeous clothes than it will to have had a little extra time that one random morning. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I am going to end up working in the morning. This time, though, I will have a pretty valid excuse, (more on that later.)
Work was pretty busy today. It wasn’t really busy, but it was busier than it has been lately. I finished reading “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less.” The entire book was about finding the person you want to be with, your Matched Opposite, and how to make them fall for you. The last portion, though, tried to talk a little more about falling in love and keeping it that way. I found this part terribly cliché and unrealistic. I hate that about the concepts of love that are put out there by authors and filmmakers and even songwriters half the time – it is cheesy, contrived and unrealistic. Because it is what we are inundated with as a society, that is what we have come to believe love really is and I hate that. It seems so rare that you find a really genuine, accurate depiction of love in the media. Love, as I understand it, is certainly an amazing feeling to have but it is not all sunshine and rainbows and such. I don’t know how to really articulate the idea that I am trying to get across here, but it just doesn’t seem like you get a lot of expressions of what love is really like for so many people out there. One of my favorite concepts of love in music is the song “Genius” by The Murmurs. The chorus of this song says, “She’s kind of freaky. She’s kind of weird. She’s kind of freaky, but I don’t know… I think she’s a genius.” That, to me, is love. It is about seeing a person for all of their quirks and flaws and such but still finding them to be wonderful and amazing and, well, a genius. That is the kind of love that I am looking for. People have a tendency to think I’m kind of freaky and I’m kind of weird. I am looking for that person who sees all of that, but still thinks I’m a genius. I am also looking for that person that I can say the exact same thing about. How do you find that? I don’t know, but I intend to figure it out.
As I mentioned, my Mom was really sick over the weekend and missed work yesterday and the day before. That sucks and could wind up hurting us a little bit financially in the coming weeks. Fortunately, with the overtime her account offers, she has managed to figure out a way to still get a full 40 hours for the week, which is a very good thing. I really don’t think it is going to make too big a difference overall. However, it has prompted me to make a decision about something that I was kind of excited about. I have decided not to buy tickets to Sheryl Crow at Universal Studios. Those would cost about $100, and $100 could go towards a lot of different things, like the remaining balance on my phone bill right now or helping out with my Mom’s car payment or something else that is much more of a necessity than seeing Sheryl Crow. After all, a part of my reasoning behind this is the fact that Sheryl Crow is still in good health and doesn’t show any signs of retiring or anything like that, so I anticipate she will be touring for years to come. Plus, by the time she comes back to the area I should be in a much better financial state than I am in currently. Another contributing factor to this decision is the fact that this show is at Universal Studios and will mainly be filled with people who are there for the park and just happen to be like, “Oh hey, Sheryl Crow is over there – let’s go watch.” I’d much rather go to an ACTUAL Sheryl Crow concert with a crowd of people who are pretty much all there for the same reason – to see an artist they love. It just seemed like the best decision to make right now. Plus, I kind of feel like I have been spending too much money lately, even though I know I haven’t. In fact, I had $46 and some change in the bank and $300 was deposited yesterday. There is currently a balance of $267 and some change. I really haven’t spent that much, especially considering I bought a carton of cigarettes out of that, as well. I think I just feel like I’ve been spending too much because I have been looking at a lot of stuff. Of course, I have a couple of bids in on items on Ebay. Even if I win both of these things, they will only set me back about $50. Plus, they are both items that I will get a ton of use and enjoyment out of. As I mentioned in previous blogs, I’ve already purchased a John Galliano t-shirt and 3 Christian Siriano for Victoria’s Secret eyeshadows on Ebay, both of which I am really excited to receive. Well, the items I am bidding on now are just as good and I am just as excited about them! First of all, I am bidding on a limited edition MAC eyeshadow trio designed by Heatherette, who I absolutely love. I also have a bid in on a pair of limited edition Van’s designed by Heatherette designer, Richie Rich – they are high top Van’s with a cool futuristic black on black checkerboard design covered in lips and dollar signs and letters spelling out Richie Rich. They are gorgeous and I am REALLY keeping my fingers crossed that I get them! We’ll see.
That paragraph didn’t go where I was initially intending it to go. Like I said, my Mom has been sick for the past few days and still isn’t feeling at her best, (although she does seem considerably better this evening than she did this morning or yesterday.) I also noticed a lot of people at work have been sick with the same type of symptoms she has. Unfortunately, this afternoon at work I noticed myself starting to get a bit of a scratchy throat and a heavy feeling, as well. It wasn’t anything that seemed overly severe while I was there. When I got home, though, I suddenly found myself feeling completely drained and spent the time between when I got home and when my Mom got off work laying on the couch and lacking the energy to even hold up the TV remote. This is definitely not good. My whole body has that achy feeling and my head is feeling really heavy and I feel really warm even though I know it isn’t warm at all in the house. Essentially, I am pretty sure that I am getting sick. This is really not a good thing. I do not want to miss work. I don’t have enough issues that I would get written up for it or anything. I’m less concerned about what it would mean for work than I am about what it would mean for my next paycheck. It seems like I would be defeating the purpose of trying to save money because of my Mom’s missing money if I wound up missing money from my next check, as well. I took some Nyquil tonight and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I will be feeling fine in the morning. Sadly, though, it seems that most people have been hit pretty hard with this. Still, I am going to give the Nyquil the night to work and hope for the best. That Nyquil does seem to be kicking in, though. It is only 11:19pm, but I think I should probably get to bed. Here’s hoping for a morning of feeling much better than I do right now.
Tuesday, February 23
Chapter 110: Still Standing
Today was a pretty boring day, if I am being honest. If were being even more honest, I would say that I am getting sick of all of these days that look almost exactly the same and keep blending together as if they are all one big, boring hot mess of a life. I know that is not the case, but that is what it feels like right now. I have got to do something to shake things up. I have to do something to make each day not just look but FEEL different from the last. I’m not sure what to do, but I’ll be damned if I don’t intend to figure it out as fast as I can! I kind of feel like, in a lot of ways, I have stopped focusing on my goals and kind of surrendered myself to the mundane details of day-to-day life. That would certainly explain the desperate search for escape by way of shopping, even though I haven’t been doing any actual shopping. Window-shopping is just as much of a distraction, although not near as much of a problem since my bank account isn’t suffering because of it. Still, shopping, (even if it is just looking,) is not the answer to my problems right now. What I need is human interaction, and I don’t mean the guarded kind I do at work. I really think that what I need is just to CONNECT. I wrote a song about that at work today, called “Connect,” as a matter of fact. Connection is the answer to the problems I am having right now… but how do I find a connection when all of my time is spent at work and in front of the computer searching for things to buy? I suppose the answer is to change that – obviously, I have to work but I can certainly figure out ways to get out into the world when I am not working. The book I’ve been reading, “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less,” suggests going out and joining some sort of community volunteer group or taking some sort of classes. Classes – that works out well because it also fits into my long-term goal of learning music in order to write a record based on this blog. You know, that whole thing I talked about obsessively and incessantly before? Whatever happened to that? Whatever happened to all of my artistic endeavors? The answer to that one is easy – I got discouraged. The whole thing with the drawings for t-shirts fell through with that local company because they wound up not actually existing, and I never followed through on trying to pursue it further with Threadless or any of the other various outlets there are for that out there. The music lessons with Eliezer Rivera didn’t work out, either, mainly due to my own ego-based reaction to his ego-based reaction to my cancellation of the first lesson, and I have yet to pursue any other music lessons even though it is really the most important thing in the world to me. Like I said, I allowed myself to be discouraged by these things and have stopped pursuing much of anything. I haven’t been doing much in the way of photography or video with my Sony Bloggie and it has spent the past couple weeks mainly just sitting in my bag.
So, what do I need to do? What is my plan of attack? Well, first of all, I need to regain my focus on all of these things. First things first, I need to take the time to call around to the numerous places here in town that offer music lessons and try to get a feel for where I want to get them and what they are going to cost me. That is first and foremost. Second, I need to start looking into other methods of doing the whole t-shirt thing. Thinking about that whole thing a bit, I think that perhaps I was trying to start bigger than my abilities. I just did a little research online into the world of fabric paint and am thinking that it would be a really cool idea to try hand painting a few t-shirts and such before trying to go full speed ahead with trying to sell things. Why not start off by just making some cool stuff for myself and wearing it out and about to see how it goes over with others and see if the people I run into throughout the day would consider wearing any of my designs. That seems like a good place to start. Another thing that I would kind of like to look into is learning a bit more about sewing and trying to actually design some things for myself. One step at a time, though, and hand painting seems like a great place to start – plus, I have just found online where you can buy a dozen plain white v-neck t-shirts for $36, which seems like a pretty good deal. I don’t really know the general cost of wholesale t-shirts, though, so it may not be. Either way, that is definitely something I want to look into further and a trip to Michael’s may be in order. So, we’ve covered music and fashion, which are the two that are most important to me. Then comes the matter of the short film/long-form music video. The goal I am going to set for myself for that is to capture something that I think could be relevant to the film at least 3 times a week. Whether it be something as simple as putting on makeup in the morning, working out or some sort of everyday occurrence or something major like the Lady Gaga flash mob next month or going out to the beach or a museum or something. This will force me to make it a point to do things that are more interesting than usual. Then there is photography – that kind of goes hand-in-hand with the video thing, in the sense that I can photograph things that I am out doing, as well as filming them. So, those two combined will kind of force me to get out more.
Then, of course, there is the other thing I have lost focus on recently – working out. My Mom is back home and will be returning to work tomorrow, and we are planning on working out tomorrow morning. She still isn’t back at 100% functionality yet, so I don’t know if she will be feeling up to it tomorrow morning, but even if she isn’t I will make sure that I do it tomorrow and for the rest of this week. Then, next week, it is back to doing at least 4 days a week but pushing for 5 days. I have to keep my focus on this because a large part of the reason I have been having so much trouble with shopping recently is because all of the things that I see and feel like I absolutely have to have don’t come in my size. I wear a 2XL t-shirt, and even some of those from the best designers fit me a bit smaller than I would like. If I am ever going to delve into the world of fashion in the way that I am really wanting to, I absolutely have to keep my focus on losing weight. There is no question about it. I need to step up my game in terms of working out and not allow myself to lose focus or skip days just because my Mom isn’t home to do it with me or anything – I am 26 years old and if I am going to do it, I need to do it NOW before my body gets settled in any more than it already has. This is of the utmost importance. It is not a health issue or a vanity issue – it is much bigger than that; it is a FASHION issue. Sad as it may sound, fashion is at the forefront of my mind much more than health. You could say that fashion ties in with vanity, but I say no more than every day things like doing your hair or washing your face in the morning – it is all about trying to look and feel like you are at your best. I don’t see anything vain about that.
So, here I am – this is it. This is me taking back my focus and my drive to create the world I have been dreaming of living in. I have always known that if I want something to happen, I have to make it happen for myself. I have also always known that no matter how much I may let myself get knocked down, I can and will always pick myself back up and keep moving forward towards the things I want out of life. If I ever need evidence of this fact, I can look no further than reexamining my entire life. I have been knocked down so many times, in much bigger ways than you could possibly imagine, and yet I am still here. I am still standing, like that Kylie Minogue song. Yes, Kylie Minogue is still one of my biggest inspirations in life – there is a woman who has faced some trials and tribulations in her life and her career, and has managed to always stay on top. That is exactly the type of inspiration I need at this point in my life. Kylie has been knocked down in so many different ways throughout her career but she has always managed to pick herself back up, and she has always done it with the most style, grace and class possible. If Kylie can do it then, damn it, I’m going to try my damnedest to do it, too. She will be my inspiration moving forward for getting back on the wagon with all of my artistic endeavors. I have always known that I am meant to create something truly special and magical in this world and really make a difference in people’s lives, the way that Kylie and so many others have in mine. I am getting older, though, and if I am going to do it I need to do it NOW. This is my time and I am going to make it happen by any means necessary. I have to remember the most commonly used phrase in this blog, probably – the Universe is working in my favor. Notice how I haven’t used that phrase recently? I have. That stops now. The Universe IS working in my favor and I am going to do whatever it takes to not allow myself to lose faith in that FACT again. The moment I lose my faith in that is the moment that the Universe stops and sends me nothing but doubts and insecurities, because that is the frequency I am putting out to it. No more. The Universe is working in my favor, and I intend to take full advantage of every opportunity it presents to me. The time for fucking around has passed – now is the time for action!
I must say, this blog has left me feeling much better about the world I live in and has really kind of renewed my faith that I will somehow manage to create the world I have been dreaming of all of my life. I know that I will because I simply have to. It is my destiny. It is what I am meant for in this world and nothing is going to stand in the way of me making it happen – not even myself. For now, though, it is 11:45pm and I am feeling pretty exhausted. It is just about time for me to go to bed and dream of all the beautiful, magical, special, wonderful things that I am going to create in this world. It really is a beautiful life, and that life is still mine. I am still here. Still standing.
So, what do I need to do? What is my plan of attack? Well, first of all, I need to regain my focus on all of these things. First things first, I need to take the time to call around to the numerous places here in town that offer music lessons and try to get a feel for where I want to get them and what they are going to cost me. That is first and foremost. Second, I need to start looking into other methods of doing the whole t-shirt thing. Thinking about that whole thing a bit, I think that perhaps I was trying to start bigger than my abilities. I just did a little research online into the world of fabric paint and am thinking that it would be a really cool idea to try hand painting a few t-shirts and such before trying to go full speed ahead with trying to sell things. Why not start off by just making some cool stuff for myself and wearing it out and about to see how it goes over with others and see if the people I run into throughout the day would consider wearing any of my designs. That seems like a good place to start. Another thing that I would kind of like to look into is learning a bit more about sewing and trying to actually design some things for myself. One step at a time, though, and hand painting seems like a great place to start – plus, I have just found online where you can buy a dozen plain white v-neck t-shirts for $36, which seems like a pretty good deal. I don’t really know the general cost of wholesale t-shirts, though, so it may not be. Either way, that is definitely something I want to look into further and a trip to Michael’s may be in order. So, we’ve covered music and fashion, which are the two that are most important to me. Then comes the matter of the short film/long-form music video. The goal I am going to set for myself for that is to capture something that I think could be relevant to the film at least 3 times a week. Whether it be something as simple as putting on makeup in the morning, working out or some sort of everyday occurrence or something major like the Lady Gaga flash mob next month or going out to the beach or a museum or something. This will force me to make it a point to do things that are more interesting than usual. Then there is photography – that kind of goes hand-in-hand with the video thing, in the sense that I can photograph things that I am out doing, as well as filming them. So, those two combined will kind of force me to get out more.
Then, of course, there is the other thing I have lost focus on recently – working out. My Mom is back home and will be returning to work tomorrow, and we are planning on working out tomorrow morning. She still isn’t back at 100% functionality yet, so I don’t know if she will be feeling up to it tomorrow morning, but even if she isn’t I will make sure that I do it tomorrow and for the rest of this week. Then, next week, it is back to doing at least 4 days a week but pushing for 5 days. I have to keep my focus on this because a large part of the reason I have been having so much trouble with shopping recently is because all of the things that I see and feel like I absolutely have to have don’t come in my size. I wear a 2XL t-shirt, and even some of those from the best designers fit me a bit smaller than I would like. If I am ever going to delve into the world of fashion in the way that I am really wanting to, I absolutely have to keep my focus on losing weight. There is no question about it. I need to step up my game in terms of working out and not allow myself to lose focus or skip days just because my Mom isn’t home to do it with me or anything – I am 26 years old and if I am going to do it, I need to do it NOW before my body gets settled in any more than it already has. This is of the utmost importance. It is not a health issue or a vanity issue – it is much bigger than that; it is a FASHION issue. Sad as it may sound, fashion is at the forefront of my mind much more than health. You could say that fashion ties in with vanity, but I say no more than every day things like doing your hair or washing your face in the morning – it is all about trying to look and feel like you are at your best. I don’t see anything vain about that.
So, here I am – this is it. This is me taking back my focus and my drive to create the world I have been dreaming of living in. I have always known that if I want something to happen, I have to make it happen for myself. I have also always known that no matter how much I may let myself get knocked down, I can and will always pick myself back up and keep moving forward towards the things I want out of life. If I ever need evidence of this fact, I can look no further than reexamining my entire life. I have been knocked down so many times, in much bigger ways than you could possibly imagine, and yet I am still here. I am still standing, like that Kylie Minogue song. Yes, Kylie Minogue is still one of my biggest inspirations in life – there is a woman who has faced some trials and tribulations in her life and her career, and has managed to always stay on top. That is exactly the type of inspiration I need at this point in my life. Kylie has been knocked down in so many different ways throughout her career but she has always managed to pick herself back up, and she has always done it with the most style, grace and class possible. If Kylie can do it then, damn it, I’m going to try my damnedest to do it, too. She will be my inspiration moving forward for getting back on the wagon with all of my artistic endeavors. I have always known that I am meant to create something truly special and magical in this world and really make a difference in people’s lives, the way that Kylie and so many others have in mine. I am getting older, though, and if I am going to do it I need to do it NOW. This is my time and I am going to make it happen by any means necessary. I have to remember the most commonly used phrase in this blog, probably – the Universe is working in my favor. Notice how I haven’t used that phrase recently? I have. That stops now. The Universe IS working in my favor and I am going to do whatever it takes to not allow myself to lose faith in that FACT again. The moment I lose my faith in that is the moment that the Universe stops and sends me nothing but doubts and insecurities, because that is the frequency I am putting out to it. No more. The Universe is working in my favor, and I intend to take full advantage of every opportunity it presents to me. The time for fucking around has passed – now is the time for action!
I must say, this blog has left me feeling much better about the world I live in and has really kind of renewed my faith that I will somehow manage to create the world I have been dreaming of all of my life. I know that I will because I simply have to. It is my destiny. It is what I am meant for in this world and nothing is going to stand in the way of me making it happen – not even myself. For now, though, it is 11:45pm and I am feeling pretty exhausted. It is just about time for me to go to bed and dream of all the beautiful, magical, special, wonderful things that I am going to create in this world. It really is a beautiful life, and that life is still mine. I am still here. Still standing.
Chapter 109: In My Head
I woke up this morning around 7:45am. It was about 15 minutes after my alarm went off and, I’m not sure what it was exactly, but I was in a bit of a panic. It seemed like the sun was already up and I just had this feeling as if it were the middle of the day already and I had overslept. Even after seeing the time I still felt kind of frantic. I got up and went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. In general, first thing I do when I wake up is brush my teeth and leave the rest of the morning grooming routine until. Today, though, after brushing my teeth I decided to try out my new Clean & Clear Morning Burst facial cleanser right off the bat. It is specifically designed to help wake you up and energize your skin for the day, which I thought seemed like a silly claim. I couldn’t possibly imagine how a facial cleanser could help wake you up anymore than anything else you put on your face in the morning and rinse of with water. I must say, though, I stand corrected – Clean & Clear Morning Burst facial cleanser is my new best friend! My skin looked so much better than I have ever seen it and I felt really refreshed and energized, just like the bottle said I would! Not to be a complete commercial or anything, but seriously – Clean & Clear Morning Burst facial cleanser is an AMAZING product and everybody needs to go out and get themselves a bottle! It is so worth it!
After that, I sat down to the computer and ate a bowl of Strawberry Frosted Mini-Wheats, which were more delicious than I had expected. I checked my bank account to see if the extra $100 sign-up bonus had been added to my account yet, and found that it had not. They said it would take 7-10 business days after the initial $100 deposit, and it’s technically only been 5, so it still has time. I was keeping my fingers crossed that this wouldn’t be any indication of how long it was going to take to receive my debit card, though, because I have been pretty anxious to get that. I also checked up on a few items on my newest old obsession, Ebay. I had been bidding on a 120-color MAC eyeshadow palette, which I found I had been outbid on. I have also been watching a couple of items, like that Roberto Cavalli shirt I mentioned recently, as well as a Pop Beauty “Day to Play” eyeshadow palette. Those were both still intact. Like I mentioned previously, I have been holding off on making any purchases on Ebay until I receive my debit card but that hasn’t stopped me from looking a lot. I have been searching every designer in the book, on the prowl for something gorgeous. One thing that came as a bit of a surprise to me, that I found kind of exciting was punching in the name Christian Siriano, winner of a season of Project Runway and, even more, a brilliant designer in his own right. I knew he didn’t do Men’s Clothing but I figured I’d see what he does have to offer. What I found was mainly women’s clothing but Ebay had a tag on the side of the page for makeup. It didn’t have a whole lot of items, but it was enough to intrigue me. Apparently, Christian did a line of makeup for Victoria’s Secret – it was really just a 2 shades of lip-gloss and 3 different eyeshadows. I didn’t pay the lip-gloss much attention because I don’t wear it but I was really impressed with the eyeshadows. The shades were Royalty, which is a deep purple, Gilded, which is a dark gold color with flecks of gold glitter in it, and Sandstorm, which is a peach/bronze type color. They were all really gorgeous looking and come in these really adorable gold boxes with “Christian Siriano for VS Cosmetics” engraved on the top. I liked those quite a bit and I checked the Victoria’s Secret site for them and they seem to be discontinued at this point. Again, though, holding off on any further Ebay purchases until the debit card comes.
Speaking of makeup, though, today I wore my new Marc Ecko t-shirt with the black, gray and blue tree design across the front and decided to be a little experimental with makeup to go along with it. As I discussed in one of my previous blogs, I watched a few makeup tutorials on YouTube and learned a few tricks and tips for making eyes appear larger and brighter. One of those tips was using lighter colors and doing eyeliner thinner on the inside and thicker on the outside of the eye. I also saw this video where this adorable little Asian girl did this really cute thing where she did yellow on the inside of the eye, then went with a light shade of green in the center and a darker green on the outside and I kind of wanted to emulate that look, only not in green and yellow because those colors just aren’t really me. Instead, I did pink on the inside of the eye, a pale purple in the middle and blue on the outside. I thought it looked really good, and my blending skills have improved immensely. Blending was never a strong suit for me, but I have been kind of practicing it a bit lately and have gotten pretty good at it. Makeup is a lot of fun to experiment with and I am enjoying experimenting with it a lot. I feel like, in a lot of ways, I am making an art project out of my look. I love looking at it that way. I find that much more inspiring than, “I like to look pretty,” even though that is true, as well.
Last night my Mom text messaged me saying she hadn’t been feeling well all weekend. I felt really bad for her and questioned whether or not she would be coming home in time to go to work today. Well, this morning that question was answered and it was a big NO. She still wasn’t feeling any better and wound up calling in sick today. I told her to text or call me and let me know if she would be coming home in time to pick me up from work at 6pm. I felt really bad for her, but was also concerned with the fact that calling in today left her with enough issues to get a write up this month. Fortunately, this will be her first write up and she is outside of her 90 days now so her job isn’t in any sort of jeopardy. I just can’t imagine what our lives would be like if she were to lose her job. Like I said, though, that isn’t going to happen. They don’t have grounds for it at this point and she is doing really well there. I still really think that she is going to find a better job sometime soon and things will kind of go back to normal and be a little more like they were back in September, before she lost her old job. They would be better now, though, because I would continue paying an even amount of our rent and bills, which I was not doing before, but we would have considerably less stress about money and would be a little more free to shop and splurge a little bit more often and with much less guilt. I miss those days, but I know that we will get them back sooner than later.
I took a cab to work this morning and, luckily, did not get the same creepy guy from Friday morning. My cab driver was a little older woman who barely said two words to me for the entire ride. I was really grateful for that. When I got to work I was feeling like I was looking pretty good. Surely, this was the result of my skin looking so good, my cool makeup look and my new shirt. Whatever it was, it had me in a really good mood this morning and I was feeling pretty upbeat and not overly tired or irritated. When I got in the systems were down and we weren’t really getting any calls, anyway, so I spent the first little bit of the day shooting the shit with a few of my co-workers, having everyone re-telling the story of my traumatic bee incident last week for those who didn’t get to see it firsthand. It wasn’t long before the systems were restored, though, and everyone went back to actually doing work. I spent a little while reading “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less,” which I am nearly done with. I feel like this book has really taught me a lot about body language, more than anything else, and ways to make a connection with strangers. It also kind of taught me a lot of ways to use body language to kind of manipulate a bond with others, which I feel will be a very important tool to use in the future. I am pretty anxious to try some of these tricks out, too. Now I just have to figure out a way to get out and meet some new people.
Inspired by this book, I wrote a couple of new songs at work today. I haven’t done much songwriting lately, but I figured combining “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less” with elements of “The Secret” would be a good idea. “The Secret” puts a lot of focus on putting yourself in the situation that you want to be in and really feeling the feelings of being in that situation. For me, there is no better way to put myself into a situation than to write a song about it. The first song I wrote was the better of the two, in my opinion, called “Feel.” It is essentially a song about a person who makes you feel good about yourself and like with them at your side you can do or be anything you ever wanted to. This book said something in the very first chapter that I found very profound, fascinating and true – “We don’t fall in love with the person, we fall in love with the way that they make us feel.” That is something that doesn’t really get talked about very often but that I find to be universally true. It needed a song written about it and I think my song does it a good deal of justice. The other song I wrote was called “The Answer Will Be,” and it is basically a song that has a similar theme to that of Michael Buble’s song “Haven’t Met You Yet.” It is basically a song about a person that I have been dreaming of finding and imagining my life with and such, but who I have yet to find. I felt like this one kind of went astray somewhere in the process and I figure it probably has something to do with the fact that, unlike “Feel,” this wasn’t really focused on feeling the feeling of finding that person I am looking for but about being without that person. I wasn’t putting myself in the situation and feeling the feelings of having what I want – I was only describing the situation I am already in and feeling the feelings that I am trying to not feel anymore. Basically, that song was kind of counter-productive. It’s not a terrible song, overall, but it wasn’t serving the purpose that I had set out for it to.
Aside from that, the workday was kind of a bore. I talked to my Mom sometime mid-day and she told me that I should probably try to arrange for another ride home because she wouldn’t be home by then. Later she said she wouldn’t be home tonight, but would be here in time to take me to work in the morning, since she had to be there at the same time and can’t afford to miss another day. I had my sister pick me up and take me home. We wound up having to give my team lead a ride home, as well, and spent much of the ride home talking about random things, mainly about work and how much I hoped my debit card would be in the mail today. She offered to take me somewhere to grab something for dinner, but I said I would be fine to dig up something here at home, although I wasn’t sure what. I was thinking about ordering dinner from somewhere. I figured it would be okay to splurge since I have extra money and it’s not like I do it every day, (like I used to.) I was feeling really hungry when I got home, but was temporarily sidetracked from that when I checked the mail and found that MY DEBIT CARD FINALLY CAME! I came inside and called to activate the card and was kind of overjoyed with the fact that I now have a working card in my wallet. I was still carrying my debit card from my last bank even though it’s been about 3 years since I’ve used it and a credit card that I had stopped using, (and stopped paying on,) right around that same timeframe. I figured now that I have opened a new bank account that I intend to not have the same troubles with, it was time to get rid of those ones. So, I cut them up into 4 pieces each and put them in a little jewelry box in my bedroom. I am considering possibly trying to figure out a way to use them in some sort of artwork. We’ll see how that goes, though. In the meantime, I am now the proud owner of a brand new debit card and, of course, the first thing I thought of was to go online and make a purchase with it.
I spent pretty much the rest of the evening digging through the darkest depths of the internet for something to spend money on. I had to take an extended break to make myself dinner. I had grilled cheese sandwiches and Stove Top stuffing, which I have dubbed the White Trash Dinner. It even gave me a pretty inspired idea to throw a White Trash Dinner Party and serve a meal of odd combinations of things that are stereotypically White Trash meals like Hamburger Helper or any type of boxed dinner items, really. I could even serve boxed wine! It would be hilarious and a lot of fun, I think. Something to think about, I suppose. I also spent a little time watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” which was hilarious tonight. I love that show. Most of the night was spent agonizing over what to spend money on, though. I went through various types of clothes, makeup, music, etc., and couldn’t find anything that I was really over-the-top crazy about. That’s not true, but nothing in a price range that I felt comfortable spending at this point. I kept coming back to makeup more than clothes for some reason when suddenly it hit me – the Christian Siriano eyeshadows! I went to look at them again and fell in love with them all over again. I bought all three shades for just a smidge under $30, which is a really good price compared to a lot of other makeup. Plus, it was Christian Siriano’s first foray into the world of cosmetics and the colors he came up with were pretty gorgeous, so I figured it would be a good idea to give them a try. So, I finally found something to purchase and I was really excited about it. I am also contemplating spending a little more money on the Project Runway Season 4 DVD, the season Christian won, because I have never watched a single episode of the show but absolutely love Christian Siriano, so I figured his season would be a good introduction to the show for me. They have them pretty cheap on Ebay, so I may wind up picking that up once I have made a deposit into the bank account. I am pretty excited to receive my Christian Siriano eyeshadows, though. They are pretty gorgeous. For now, though, it is 1am and I simply must be getting to sleep. I am coming really close to nodding off as I write this right now.
One last thing before I go, though. Something else that happened this evening was that the Jason Derulo album leaked to the internet finally. Back in December when I was sitting by the radio for a few days trying to win tickets to meet Adam Lambert, I fell in love with this song I kept hearing all the time, "Whatcha Say" by Jason Derulo and have been anxiously awaiting his album ever since. Well, that album has finally come and I am not let down in the slightest. It isn't my favorite album I've heard so far this year, (that would probably be Katharine McPhee's "Unbroken" or the Alphabeat record, "The Spell," ) but it is a very impressive debut record and I love the sound he works with - it is good old R&B, but with a considerably more pop edge than you get out of most young R&B singers these days. The whole album kind of teeters on the edges of R&B, dance and guitar-based pop. It is a really great record, although I am a tad disappointed with the fact that it is only 10 tracks, (although, so is the Alphabeat album.) Every one of those 10 tracks are awesome, though. My favorites would be "Ridin' Solo," "The Sky's The Limit," "What If," "Love Hangover," "Encore" and, my personal favorite and second single off of the album, "In My Head," which is a song kind of playing out the scenario of what it would be like if a girl were with him instead of the guy she's actually with. It is an awesome song. I love it. I need to go to bed pretty much immediately, though. I am nodding off rapidly.
After that, I sat down to the computer and ate a bowl of Strawberry Frosted Mini-Wheats, which were more delicious than I had expected. I checked my bank account to see if the extra $100 sign-up bonus had been added to my account yet, and found that it had not. They said it would take 7-10 business days after the initial $100 deposit, and it’s technically only been 5, so it still has time. I was keeping my fingers crossed that this wouldn’t be any indication of how long it was going to take to receive my debit card, though, because I have been pretty anxious to get that. I also checked up on a few items on my newest old obsession, Ebay. I had been bidding on a 120-color MAC eyeshadow palette, which I found I had been outbid on. I have also been watching a couple of items, like that Roberto Cavalli shirt I mentioned recently, as well as a Pop Beauty “Day to Play” eyeshadow palette. Those were both still intact. Like I mentioned previously, I have been holding off on making any purchases on Ebay until I receive my debit card but that hasn’t stopped me from looking a lot. I have been searching every designer in the book, on the prowl for something gorgeous. One thing that came as a bit of a surprise to me, that I found kind of exciting was punching in the name Christian Siriano, winner of a season of Project Runway and, even more, a brilliant designer in his own right. I knew he didn’t do Men’s Clothing but I figured I’d see what he does have to offer. What I found was mainly women’s clothing but Ebay had a tag on the side of the page for makeup. It didn’t have a whole lot of items, but it was enough to intrigue me. Apparently, Christian did a line of makeup for Victoria’s Secret – it was really just a 2 shades of lip-gloss and 3 different eyeshadows. I didn’t pay the lip-gloss much attention because I don’t wear it but I was really impressed with the eyeshadows. The shades were Royalty, which is a deep purple, Gilded, which is a dark gold color with flecks of gold glitter in it, and Sandstorm, which is a peach/bronze type color. They were all really gorgeous looking and come in these really adorable gold boxes with “Christian Siriano for VS Cosmetics” engraved on the top. I liked those quite a bit and I checked the Victoria’s Secret site for them and they seem to be discontinued at this point. Again, though, holding off on any further Ebay purchases until the debit card comes.
Speaking of makeup, though, today I wore my new Marc Ecko t-shirt with the black, gray and blue tree design across the front and decided to be a little experimental with makeup to go along with it. As I discussed in one of my previous blogs, I watched a few makeup tutorials on YouTube and learned a few tricks and tips for making eyes appear larger and brighter. One of those tips was using lighter colors and doing eyeliner thinner on the inside and thicker on the outside of the eye. I also saw this video where this adorable little Asian girl did this really cute thing where she did yellow on the inside of the eye, then went with a light shade of green in the center and a darker green on the outside and I kind of wanted to emulate that look, only not in green and yellow because those colors just aren’t really me. Instead, I did pink on the inside of the eye, a pale purple in the middle and blue on the outside. I thought it looked really good, and my blending skills have improved immensely. Blending was never a strong suit for me, but I have been kind of practicing it a bit lately and have gotten pretty good at it. Makeup is a lot of fun to experiment with and I am enjoying experimenting with it a lot. I feel like, in a lot of ways, I am making an art project out of my look. I love looking at it that way. I find that much more inspiring than, “I like to look pretty,” even though that is true, as well.
Last night my Mom text messaged me saying she hadn’t been feeling well all weekend. I felt really bad for her and questioned whether or not she would be coming home in time to go to work today. Well, this morning that question was answered and it was a big NO. She still wasn’t feeling any better and wound up calling in sick today. I told her to text or call me and let me know if she would be coming home in time to pick me up from work at 6pm. I felt really bad for her, but was also concerned with the fact that calling in today left her with enough issues to get a write up this month. Fortunately, this will be her first write up and she is outside of her 90 days now so her job isn’t in any sort of jeopardy. I just can’t imagine what our lives would be like if she were to lose her job. Like I said, though, that isn’t going to happen. They don’t have grounds for it at this point and she is doing really well there. I still really think that she is going to find a better job sometime soon and things will kind of go back to normal and be a little more like they were back in September, before she lost her old job. They would be better now, though, because I would continue paying an even amount of our rent and bills, which I was not doing before, but we would have considerably less stress about money and would be a little more free to shop and splurge a little bit more often and with much less guilt. I miss those days, but I know that we will get them back sooner than later.
I took a cab to work this morning and, luckily, did not get the same creepy guy from Friday morning. My cab driver was a little older woman who barely said two words to me for the entire ride. I was really grateful for that. When I got to work I was feeling like I was looking pretty good. Surely, this was the result of my skin looking so good, my cool makeup look and my new shirt. Whatever it was, it had me in a really good mood this morning and I was feeling pretty upbeat and not overly tired or irritated. When I got in the systems were down and we weren’t really getting any calls, anyway, so I spent the first little bit of the day shooting the shit with a few of my co-workers, having everyone re-telling the story of my traumatic bee incident last week for those who didn’t get to see it firsthand. It wasn’t long before the systems were restored, though, and everyone went back to actually doing work. I spent a little while reading “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less,” which I am nearly done with. I feel like this book has really taught me a lot about body language, more than anything else, and ways to make a connection with strangers. It also kind of taught me a lot of ways to use body language to kind of manipulate a bond with others, which I feel will be a very important tool to use in the future. I am pretty anxious to try some of these tricks out, too. Now I just have to figure out a way to get out and meet some new people.
Inspired by this book, I wrote a couple of new songs at work today. I haven’t done much songwriting lately, but I figured combining “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less” with elements of “The Secret” would be a good idea. “The Secret” puts a lot of focus on putting yourself in the situation that you want to be in and really feeling the feelings of being in that situation. For me, there is no better way to put myself into a situation than to write a song about it. The first song I wrote was the better of the two, in my opinion, called “Feel.” It is essentially a song about a person who makes you feel good about yourself and like with them at your side you can do or be anything you ever wanted to. This book said something in the very first chapter that I found very profound, fascinating and true – “We don’t fall in love with the person, we fall in love with the way that they make us feel.” That is something that doesn’t really get talked about very often but that I find to be universally true. It needed a song written about it and I think my song does it a good deal of justice. The other song I wrote was called “The Answer Will Be,” and it is basically a song that has a similar theme to that of Michael Buble’s song “Haven’t Met You Yet.” It is basically a song about a person that I have been dreaming of finding and imagining my life with and such, but who I have yet to find. I felt like this one kind of went astray somewhere in the process and I figure it probably has something to do with the fact that, unlike “Feel,” this wasn’t really focused on feeling the feeling of finding that person I am looking for but about being without that person. I wasn’t putting myself in the situation and feeling the feelings of having what I want – I was only describing the situation I am already in and feeling the feelings that I am trying to not feel anymore. Basically, that song was kind of counter-productive. It’s not a terrible song, overall, but it wasn’t serving the purpose that I had set out for it to.
Aside from that, the workday was kind of a bore. I talked to my Mom sometime mid-day and she told me that I should probably try to arrange for another ride home because she wouldn’t be home by then. Later she said she wouldn’t be home tonight, but would be here in time to take me to work in the morning, since she had to be there at the same time and can’t afford to miss another day. I had my sister pick me up and take me home. We wound up having to give my team lead a ride home, as well, and spent much of the ride home talking about random things, mainly about work and how much I hoped my debit card would be in the mail today. She offered to take me somewhere to grab something for dinner, but I said I would be fine to dig up something here at home, although I wasn’t sure what. I was thinking about ordering dinner from somewhere. I figured it would be okay to splurge since I have extra money and it’s not like I do it every day, (like I used to.) I was feeling really hungry when I got home, but was temporarily sidetracked from that when I checked the mail and found that MY DEBIT CARD FINALLY CAME! I came inside and called to activate the card and was kind of overjoyed with the fact that I now have a working card in my wallet. I was still carrying my debit card from my last bank even though it’s been about 3 years since I’ve used it and a credit card that I had stopped using, (and stopped paying on,) right around that same timeframe. I figured now that I have opened a new bank account that I intend to not have the same troubles with, it was time to get rid of those ones. So, I cut them up into 4 pieces each and put them in a little jewelry box in my bedroom. I am considering possibly trying to figure out a way to use them in some sort of artwork. We’ll see how that goes, though. In the meantime, I am now the proud owner of a brand new debit card and, of course, the first thing I thought of was to go online and make a purchase with it.
I spent pretty much the rest of the evening digging through the darkest depths of the internet for something to spend money on. I had to take an extended break to make myself dinner. I had grilled cheese sandwiches and Stove Top stuffing, which I have dubbed the White Trash Dinner. It even gave me a pretty inspired idea to throw a White Trash Dinner Party and serve a meal of odd combinations of things that are stereotypically White Trash meals like Hamburger Helper or any type of boxed dinner items, really. I could even serve boxed wine! It would be hilarious and a lot of fun, I think. Something to think about, I suppose. I also spent a little time watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” which was hilarious tonight. I love that show. Most of the night was spent agonizing over what to spend money on, though. I went through various types of clothes, makeup, music, etc., and couldn’t find anything that I was really over-the-top crazy about. That’s not true, but nothing in a price range that I felt comfortable spending at this point. I kept coming back to makeup more than clothes for some reason when suddenly it hit me – the Christian Siriano eyeshadows! I went to look at them again and fell in love with them all over again. I bought all three shades for just a smidge under $30, which is a really good price compared to a lot of other makeup. Plus, it was Christian Siriano’s first foray into the world of cosmetics and the colors he came up with were pretty gorgeous, so I figured it would be a good idea to give them a try. So, I finally found something to purchase and I was really excited about it. I am also contemplating spending a little more money on the Project Runway Season 4 DVD, the season Christian won, because I have never watched a single episode of the show but absolutely love Christian Siriano, so I figured his season would be a good introduction to the show for me. They have them pretty cheap on Ebay, so I may wind up picking that up once I have made a deposit into the bank account. I am pretty excited to receive my Christian Siriano eyeshadows, though. They are pretty gorgeous. For now, though, it is 1am and I simply must be getting to sleep. I am coming really close to nodding off as I write this right now.
One last thing before I go, though. Something else that happened this evening was that the Jason Derulo album leaked to the internet finally. Back in December when I was sitting by the radio for a few days trying to win tickets to meet Adam Lambert, I fell in love with this song I kept hearing all the time, "Whatcha Say" by Jason Derulo and have been anxiously awaiting his album ever since. Well, that album has finally come and I am not let down in the slightest. It isn't my favorite album I've heard so far this year, (that would probably be Katharine McPhee's "Unbroken" or the Alphabeat record, "The Spell," ) but it is a very impressive debut record and I love the sound he works with - it is good old R&B, but with a considerably more pop edge than you get out of most young R&B singers these days. The whole album kind of teeters on the edges of R&B, dance and guitar-based pop. It is a really great record, although I am a tad disappointed with the fact that it is only 10 tracks, (although, so is the Alphabeat album.) Every one of those 10 tracks are awesome, though. My favorites would be "Ridin' Solo," "The Sky's The Limit," "What If," "Love Hangover," "Encore" and, my personal favorite and second single off of the album, "In My Head," which is a song kind of playing out the scenario of what it would be like if a girl were with him instead of the guy she's actually with. It is an awesome song. I love it. I need to go to bed pretty much immediately, though. I am nodding off rapidly.
Monday, February 22
Chapter 108: Hard
As you all know, I have been having this problem lately about spending money. It is the opposite of the problem I am already well aware of and used to having – spending too much money. This is a problem I have only recently started having to deal with and am unsure of how to deal with. I can’t seem to find things to spend money on. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I can always find things to spend money on. The problem is bringing myself to actually spend the money on them. I don’t know what my problem is but I can’t seem to get myself to spend a whole pile of money like I used to. Perhaps it is because I have gotten used to not having a whole pile of money to spend, or maybe I am growing up and have finally stumbled upon a sense of responsibility. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. I mean, I understand that it is a good thing to be responsible and I guess I am glad for it, but it doesn’t feel great for me. According to Kabbalah, doing the right thing isn’t supposed to make you feel good and if what you’re doing does make you feel good it probably isn’t the right thing to be doing in the situation. I understand the sentiment behind that but it leaves me wondering – when are we supposed to feel good? If we’re not supposed to feel good when we do the right things and we are supposed to be striving to do the right thing all the time, then when are we supposed to feel good? I mean, isn’t it all about finding a way to feel good about life? Isn’t it supposed to be about trying to find happiness in life? If we aren’t supposed to feel good then what happiness are we supposed to have? I don’t know… it’s a complicated issue, I suppose, and one that I will probably wind up spending a very long time trying to figure out.
I woke up around 11am this morning and had a bowl of Cupcake Pebbles, then sat down in front of the TV. I can’t remember what I watched, which shows how good it was. Actually, I was watching the most recent episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” which I had already seen 3 or 4 times. It is just good enough to watch repeatedly and, since Logo plays it repeatedly, it kind of works out. Around 11:50am, I got a call from my sister saying that she would be here to pick me up in about 15 minutes. I figured she would actually wind up taking me out today, but I didn’t figure she would be so early about it. So, I got myself dressed quickly and she arrived while I was putting on makeup. It didn’t take too long to finish, then we wound up sitting here watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race” a little longer before actually getting up and leaving the house. Our first stop was the CVS right around the corner from my house and right across the street from our work. This CVS is frequently visited by many of my co-workers on breaks and lunches because it is close enough to walk to and back during a 15 minute break and still have time to spare. I’ve only done that once or twice in the past year that I have been working there because I am so paranoid about not making it back on time. Anytime I had gone there, I didn’t take time to look around or anything and just went directly to the area where they keep drinks and snack type items, which is typically the only reason I would wind up going over there on a break. Last night, when I talked to my sister, I had specifically asked if we could go to a Walgreen’s or CVS because I needed to pick up some everyday beauty products and figured they would have them in one of these places. As it turned out, I was right. I picked up two 20 packs of eye makeup applicators from Essence Of Beauty, which is what the little Asian girl on YouTube used for her eyeshadow. They were buy one get one 50% off, too, so they only wound up costing me something like $3. I also picked up a Clean & Clear “Morning Burst” facial cleanser, which is designed for morning use and has vitamin D and an “invigorating citrus scent” to help wake you up and energize your skin. I am kind of excited about that. I also picked up a new pack of cotton rounds for the eye makeup remover lotion my Mom picked up for me. My Mom and I go through a lot of those cotton rounds, honestly, because they can be used for so many different things, like eye makeup remover or nail polish remover. Just as we were getting ready to leave, my sister spotted something that she thought I just had to have – an electric shaver with a long adjustable handle, designed specifically for back hair and other hard to reach areas on your body that have a tendency to grow hair. Initially I had a reaction of “Yeah, whatever,” but then I noticed the price on it and decided it was worth a shot. $10, marked down. I figured it could be worth such a minor investment, considering the problems I have always had with body hair. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like it is excessive or anything, I just hate having hair on my body – particularly on my back. Unfortunately, the back is kind of hard to reach for shaving, so this thing seemed like it could be an excellent tool to have as much as I hated the idea of actually walking up to the register with this package very clearly marked, “BACK HAIR SHAVER.” My total at CVS was under $30.
Then, after driving past work to confirm that her girlfriend was still there doing some sort of business she had to handle, we decided to take a little trip to Burlington Coat Factory, which I have been kind of dying to do for a little while now. When we got there, the first thing I did was grab a package of Converse brand socks, which are my favorite socks in the world. Unfortunately, all of the packages were kind of mangled and torn. I found the one that seemed the least mangled and made my way to the clothing section. I sifted through pants first and didn’t find anything I liked in my size, which I had already anticipated. Then I headed off to shirts. Now, I don’t know about anybody else but when it comes to clothes, I shop with a strategy. Basically, what I will do is go through all the sections of the store that I am interested in and sift through the entire section, picking up random items that I think I may be interested in buying. Once I have been through all of the sections, I will then choose a central location where I can go through all the items that I picked up and decide which ones I am going to take and which ones I am not. I wound up with a stack of 8 or 9 shirts that I was considering buying, but in the debating process I wound up only selecting 3 to buy. All the rest were eliminated based on price and the fact that I just wasn’t head over heels over any of them. What sucked, though, was that my colors for Spring/Summer are pink and purple, and I found tons of things in those colors but not in my size. I did decide to add another color to my Spring/Summer shades, though – white. Everything I wound up leaving with was white. I got a gorgeous Kenneth Cole Reaction polo with two buttoned pockets on the chest, which I was pretty in love with, a Calvin Klein tee with the logo in various shades of silver, black and gray all over the front of it. The last thing I picked was something that is actually new to Burlington Coat Factory, and something I was very excited to see there – Marc Ecko. They never had Marc Ecko before and I always had to go to Brandon for my Marc Ecko Cut & Sew needs. I was very excited to see his stuff there at Burlington and picked up a white tee with a really cool tree design across the front in black and some blue birds flying out of it. I don’t know how to explain the design properly, but it is really cool looking and I am very excited to wear this shirt. Since I didn’t wind up with as many shirts as I had intended, I decided to check out shoes and found a pair of Diesel shoes that I really liked and actually picked up to buy, but then I realized that I had done something really silly – I forgot to grab my size! I just saw the display shoes, was like “I love those!” and grabbed the nearest box with that shoe in it. Fortunately, I realized before taking it up to the register that I had the wrong size and went back to look for my own size, which they didn’t have. So, I wound up leaving with socks and the three shirts. The total was right around $62. So, altogether, I wound up spending just under $100, which was my goal. However, I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t get everything I wanted. The reason I didn’t get everything I wanted wasn’t because I didn’t spend more money or anything like that, it’s because I didn’t find anything I really fell in love with. Even that isn’t true, though – I found quite a few things that I was really in love with. All of those things didn’t come in my size, though. I think that is the real problem. I need to lose weight. This trip to Burlington, as well as all of the Ebay browsing I’ve been doing lately, have really served to remind me exactly why I am trying to lose weight in the first place. Pretty much all of those things I really fell in love with were available in XL, but not 2XL. It sucks, but it is also there to remind me of how much I need to rededicate myself to working out and eating better. Weight loss is something that is very important to me right now, more so than it ever has been in the past. I am in a place right now where looking my best is really important to me, and losing weight would definitely be helpful in that. Not only would it mean I could buy much cuter clothes that I would be completely in love with but smaller bodies are considerably more attractive than bigger ones. I am determined to make my body smaller than it currently is. In fact, I think I will make it a point to work out in the morning, even though my Mom won’t be home to do it with me. No more excuses – only work now!
The rest of the day was basically spent over at my sister’s house watching season one of “Grey’s Anatomy,” which was pretty cool. I had my sister bring me home around 7pm so I could do some cleaning around the house. Before bringing me home, she needed to stop at the grocery store and I went along to grab something for dinner tonight. I bought a pound of chicken strips from the grocery store deli, and came home and ate the whole thing by myself. That wasn’t a good idea and I have spent the rest of the night feeling kind of sick. I didn’t wind up doing any cleaning, either. I had wanted to wash the dishes because they were out of hand and I figured it would be better to go ahead and get them done than to have my Mom come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. I talked to my Mom and she told me not to worry about them. Instead, I decided to take a shower and shave tonight in order to save myself some time in the morning. Plus, I just kind of felt the need for a nice, warm shower and I needed to shave. I absolutely hate shaving. I always have. I am trying to make a point of doing it more frequently, though, because I prefer the way I look without facial hair. I have been doing it once a week lately, but even that seems a little too infrequent. After the shower and shave this evening, I decided that I like taking a shower in the evening and think I am going to make a habit of showering every evening and probably shaving every other evening. After the shower and shave, I decided to try on my new shirts and did a full-blown, movie-style “trying on clothes” sequence, complete with me singing and dancing to the song “Hard” by Rihanna. All in all, I’d call it a pretty decent day. I know this blog post is full of mundane details that nobody really cares about. I mean, did I really need to talk about the fact that I bought cotton rounds? I don’t think so, but it was that kind of day. It was really that kind of weekend. I think it is good to have a nice, uneventful weekend every now and then. My problem is that I have been having that kind of weekend every weekend. I need to make a change to that ASAP.
It is now 12:12am, and I need to get to bed. My Mom will not be home in the morning, so I have to take a cab to work. Hopefully I won’t wind up with that same cab driver from Friday, though. I need to make sure to wake up when my alarm goes off, so I will have time to workout and take out the trash in the morning. I really do want to make it a point to workout in the morning, particularly after this day of shopping and eating a whole pound of chicken strips. It just feels very necessary. I am really excited to try out my facial cleanser, as well. I suppose the sooner I get to bed, the sooner I can wake up and get to it all. Goodnight.
I woke up around 11am this morning and had a bowl of Cupcake Pebbles, then sat down in front of the TV. I can’t remember what I watched, which shows how good it was. Actually, I was watching the most recent episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” which I had already seen 3 or 4 times. It is just good enough to watch repeatedly and, since Logo plays it repeatedly, it kind of works out. Around 11:50am, I got a call from my sister saying that she would be here to pick me up in about 15 minutes. I figured she would actually wind up taking me out today, but I didn’t figure she would be so early about it. So, I got myself dressed quickly and she arrived while I was putting on makeup. It didn’t take too long to finish, then we wound up sitting here watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race” a little longer before actually getting up and leaving the house. Our first stop was the CVS right around the corner from my house and right across the street from our work. This CVS is frequently visited by many of my co-workers on breaks and lunches because it is close enough to walk to and back during a 15 minute break and still have time to spare. I’ve only done that once or twice in the past year that I have been working there because I am so paranoid about not making it back on time. Anytime I had gone there, I didn’t take time to look around or anything and just went directly to the area where they keep drinks and snack type items, which is typically the only reason I would wind up going over there on a break. Last night, when I talked to my sister, I had specifically asked if we could go to a Walgreen’s or CVS because I needed to pick up some everyday beauty products and figured they would have them in one of these places. As it turned out, I was right. I picked up two 20 packs of eye makeup applicators from Essence Of Beauty, which is what the little Asian girl on YouTube used for her eyeshadow. They were buy one get one 50% off, too, so they only wound up costing me something like $3. I also picked up a Clean & Clear “Morning Burst” facial cleanser, which is designed for morning use and has vitamin D and an “invigorating citrus scent” to help wake you up and energize your skin. I am kind of excited about that. I also picked up a new pack of cotton rounds for the eye makeup remover lotion my Mom picked up for me. My Mom and I go through a lot of those cotton rounds, honestly, because they can be used for so many different things, like eye makeup remover or nail polish remover. Just as we were getting ready to leave, my sister spotted something that she thought I just had to have – an electric shaver with a long adjustable handle, designed specifically for back hair and other hard to reach areas on your body that have a tendency to grow hair. Initially I had a reaction of “Yeah, whatever,” but then I noticed the price on it and decided it was worth a shot. $10, marked down. I figured it could be worth such a minor investment, considering the problems I have always had with body hair. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like it is excessive or anything, I just hate having hair on my body – particularly on my back. Unfortunately, the back is kind of hard to reach for shaving, so this thing seemed like it could be an excellent tool to have as much as I hated the idea of actually walking up to the register with this package very clearly marked, “BACK HAIR SHAVER.” My total at CVS was under $30.
Then, after driving past work to confirm that her girlfriend was still there doing some sort of business she had to handle, we decided to take a little trip to Burlington Coat Factory, which I have been kind of dying to do for a little while now. When we got there, the first thing I did was grab a package of Converse brand socks, which are my favorite socks in the world. Unfortunately, all of the packages were kind of mangled and torn. I found the one that seemed the least mangled and made my way to the clothing section. I sifted through pants first and didn’t find anything I liked in my size, which I had already anticipated. Then I headed off to shirts. Now, I don’t know about anybody else but when it comes to clothes, I shop with a strategy. Basically, what I will do is go through all the sections of the store that I am interested in and sift through the entire section, picking up random items that I think I may be interested in buying. Once I have been through all of the sections, I will then choose a central location where I can go through all the items that I picked up and decide which ones I am going to take and which ones I am not. I wound up with a stack of 8 or 9 shirts that I was considering buying, but in the debating process I wound up only selecting 3 to buy. All the rest were eliminated based on price and the fact that I just wasn’t head over heels over any of them. What sucked, though, was that my colors for Spring/Summer are pink and purple, and I found tons of things in those colors but not in my size. I did decide to add another color to my Spring/Summer shades, though – white. Everything I wound up leaving with was white. I got a gorgeous Kenneth Cole Reaction polo with two buttoned pockets on the chest, which I was pretty in love with, a Calvin Klein tee with the logo in various shades of silver, black and gray all over the front of it. The last thing I picked was something that is actually new to Burlington Coat Factory, and something I was very excited to see there – Marc Ecko. They never had Marc Ecko before and I always had to go to Brandon for my Marc Ecko Cut & Sew needs. I was very excited to see his stuff there at Burlington and picked up a white tee with a really cool tree design across the front in black and some blue birds flying out of it. I don’t know how to explain the design properly, but it is really cool looking and I am very excited to wear this shirt. Since I didn’t wind up with as many shirts as I had intended, I decided to check out shoes and found a pair of Diesel shoes that I really liked and actually picked up to buy, but then I realized that I had done something really silly – I forgot to grab my size! I just saw the display shoes, was like “I love those!” and grabbed the nearest box with that shoe in it. Fortunately, I realized before taking it up to the register that I had the wrong size and went back to look for my own size, which they didn’t have. So, I wound up leaving with socks and the three shirts. The total was right around $62. So, altogether, I wound up spending just under $100, which was my goal. However, I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t get everything I wanted. The reason I didn’t get everything I wanted wasn’t because I didn’t spend more money or anything like that, it’s because I didn’t find anything I really fell in love with. Even that isn’t true, though – I found quite a few things that I was really in love with. All of those things didn’t come in my size, though. I think that is the real problem. I need to lose weight. This trip to Burlington, as well as all of the Ebay browsing I’ve been doing lately, have really served to remind me exactly why I am trying to lose weight in the first place. Pretty much all of those things I really fell in love with were available in XL, but not 2XL. It sucks, but it is also there to remind me of how much I need to rededicate myself to working out and eating better. Weight loss is something that is very important to me right now, more so than it ever has been in the past. I am in a place right now where looking my best is really important to me, and losing weight would definitely be helpful in that. Not only would it mean I could buy much cuter clothes that I would be completely in love with but smaller bodies are considerably more attractive than bigger ones. I am determined to make my body smaller than it currently is. In fact, I think I will make it a point to work out in the morning, even though my Mom won’t be home to do it with me. No more excuses – only work now!
The rest of the day was basically spent over at my sister’s house watching season one of “Grey’s Anatomy,” which was pretty cool. I had my sister bring me home around 7pm so I could do some cleaning around the house. Before bringing me home, she needed to stop at the grocery store and I went along to grab something for dinner tonight. I bought a pound of chicken strips from the grocery store deli, and came home and ate the whole thing by myself. That wasn’t a good idea and I have spent the rest of the night feeling kind of sick. I didn’t wind up doing any cleaning, either. I had wanted to wash the dishes because they were out of hand and I figured it would be better to go ahead and get them done than to have my Mom come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. I talked to my Mom and she told me not to worry about them. Instead, I decided to take a shower and shave tonight in order to save myself some time in the morning. Plus, I just kind of felt the need for a nice, warm shower and I needed to shave. I absolutely hate shaving. I always have. I am trying to make a point of doing it more frequently, though, because I prefer the way I look without facial hair. I have been doing it once a week lately, but even that seems a little too infrequent. After the shower and shave this evening, I decided that I like taking a shower in the evening and think I am going to make a habit of showering every evening and probably shaving every other evening. After the shower and shave, I decided to try on my new shirts and did a full-blown, movie-style “trying on clothes” sequence, complete with me singing and dancing to the song “Hard” by Rihanna. All in all, I’d call it a pretty decent day. I know this blog post is full of mundane details that nobody really cares about. I mean, did I really need to talk about the fact that I bought cotton rounds? I don’t think so, but it was that kind of day. It was really that kind of weekend. I think it is good to have a nice, uneventful weekend every now and then. My problem is that I have been having that kind of weekend every weekend. I need to make a change to that ASAP.
It is now 12:12am, and I need to get to bed. My Mom will not be home in the morning, so I have to take a cab to work. Hopefully I won’t wind up with that same cab driver from Friday, though. I need to make sure to wake up when my alarm goes off, so I will have time to workout and take out the trash in the morning. I really do want to make it a point to workout in the morning, particularly after this day of shopping and eating a whole pound of chicken strips. It just feels very necessary. I am really excited to try out my facial cleanser, as well. I suppose the sooner I get to bed, the sooner I can wake up and get to it all. Goodnight.
Sunday, February 21
Chapter 107: My Image Unlimited
We’ve all heard the phrase “All dressed up with no place to go,” right? Most of us have even had the experience at one point or another, I’m sure. I know I have. As a matter of fact, that wound up being the theme of the day here in my house. Last night when my sister dropped me off she told me to call her when I got up because she was going to take me shopping. After passing out in the middle of writing last night’s blog, I woke up around 8am this morning. I got up and went out into the living room and fell back to sleep on the couch watching an episode of Oprah. I didn’t wake up until around 11am and decided to actually stay up at that point. I brushed my teeth and sat down to finish writing the blog from last night, then spent a little time being lazy and sitting in front of the computer. I figured that I would give my sister and her girlfriend a little time to get around and get things done or whatever before they came to get me. Finally, I called around 12:30pm and my sister told me that she had to take care of a few things and would give me a call shortly when they were leaving the house. So, I dicked around online for a little while longer before deciding, “Hey, they’ll probably be coming soon, so I should get dressed.” I took a shower and put on this Calvin Klein polo shirt that I haven’t worn in months. I hadn’t worn it in so long because I felt like it fit me kind of funny. Call me crazy, but I was almost expecting it to fit better now. It didn’t fit any better, of course, which I knew wouldn’t happen because it’s not like I’ve lost any weight at this point. The workout plan hasn’t gone the best since beginning – not that it hasn’t been good, but it hasn’t been regular enough at this point to garner any real results, I don’t think. If this shirt was any indication, then it is clear that there have not been any real results yet. I am not discouraged by this knowledge, though. I know that it doesn’t happen overnight and I have to dedicate myself to the process a little bit better than I have been. It just seems like there have been a lot of obstacles recently. However, I have studied Kabbalah long enough to recognize that obstacles are nothing if not opportunities to rise above. This Calvin Klein polo is brown and has a gray and blue design on it and I used this as an opportunity to experiment a little more with blue eyeshadow. I did a small line of dark brown shadow along my lash line then blue across the rest of my lid and brown liner on the bottom lash line. It was pretty cute, if I do say so myself. I am really into brown liner lately. It’s subtler than black liner, but still shows and makes it’s own statement. I am slowly becoming less into black makeup, honestly. I just feel like black makeup is so closely associated with the whole goth scene, and that is the furthest thing from what I am trying to do with makeup. Plus, I learned a thing or two about using lighter colors today, (which I will discuss further later.)
By the time I was finished with my shower, hair and makeup it was nearly 2pm and I still hadn’t heard from my sister. So, I sat down to watch some TV shows from the past week that I had missed. I went to watch yesterday’s episode of “The View” and found that the first 30 minutes or so were not there. Why wouldn’t they be there? Well, there was a breaking news story that interrupted it. It must have been some major news for my local ABC affiliate to be interrupting their airing of “The View,” right? In general, they only interrupt “The View” for MAJOR breaking news, or Presidential addresses and things of that nature. This was none of those things. What was it? FUCKING TIGER WOODS. I really dislike that guy. Unlike most of America, though, my distaste for him has nothing to do with those fourteen random girls he fucked. No, I disliked him long before that ever happened, although it does tie in to that a bit. I just hate the way that he has always been portrayed as this model citizen, “goody-two-shoes” type. I dislike that in any celebrity. There is a lot of talk about people being positive role models for our youth and such, but I don’t think somebody with an image like Tiger Woods had prior to this scandal is a positive role model. In fact, I think those types may be even worse for people than the Lindsay Lohans and Paris Hiltons of the world. How is that possible? Well, Tiger Woods was setting an extremely unrealistic example for kids. Lindsay and Paris may be setting a negative example, but at least it is one that is possible. Kids don’t need to be faced with people who are supposed to be “perfection” because they are never going to be perfection themselves. What they need to see are people who make mistakes and rise above them. Who do I think is a great role model? Katharine McPhee, who was open with the world about her battles with bulimia and now discusses it frankly and honestly in interviews. She is a great example of a person who has had problems but has kept on going and gotten past them. Mandy Moore is another excellent role model, having suffered from depression and gone through relationship troubles and managed to channel it all into art. I just believe that what kids need to see are people who have faced troubles in their lives and persevered, because every one of those kids are going to face some pretty tough issues in life and they need to see people who have been able to rise above it. So, in some ways, I think this whole Tiger Woods debacle has been a positive thing because it has knocked him off the pedestal so many people had him on. As far as my thoughts on his apology and speech, I found it kind of insincere. I’m sure he meant what he was saying, but he should have just spoken candidly instead of reading a pre-written statement. It would have garnered much more sympathy from the world and would have come across much more genuine. Also, I don’t really give a shit about his family or whether or not he will return to golf, so my opinion on the whole thing probably doesn’t matter anyway.
I also watched a fascinating episode of Oprah, where her guests were Jim Jones Jr. and Karen Gacy. Jim Jones Jr. is the son of Jim Jones, the founder of the People’s Temple cult and perpetrator of the Jonestown Massacre. For those who don’t know, People’s Temple was originated as a church of “apostolistic socialists,” (Wikipedia’s words, not mine,) who wanted to eradicate racial, economical and any other labels that separated human from human. They were really working for a good cause, all in all, in my opinion. However, their methods were certainly questionable – to the point that members of this church were living their lives solely for the church, turning over 100% of their income to Jim Jones, etc. In 1977, after receiving a lot of criticism from the media here in the U.S., the church organized a mass migration to a large area they had purchased and cultivated in Guyana, that they wound up naming Jonestown. Nearly 1,000 members of this church picked up and moved to Jonestown. These people were promised a sort of utopia in Jonestown, which it appeared to be for a short while. Then, after the arrival of Jim Jones, it became a bit of a living hell. They were forced to labor 12 hours a day and spend the rest of their time studying socialism and were even said to have been subjected to some forms of mind-control and behavior modification techniques. Essentially, it was a mess. In 1978, after claims from a few families in the U.S. that loved ones were being held against their will in Jonestown, Congressman Leo Ryan paid Jonestown a visit to see what exactly was going on there. Jim Jones, of course, worked to make everything appear happy and good there but eventually two residents there told journalists who had accompanied Congressman Ryan on his visit that they were being held against their will and wanted to leave. So, Jim Jones made it out as if they were free to go. Then, as Congressman Ryan, the journalists and the two residents were attempting to leave a group of Peoples Temple members ambushed and murdered them on the airstrip they were leaving from. This is when the shit hit the fan. After this happened, Jim Jones gathered the 900something members of Peoples Temple that were there in Jonestown and forced them all to drink from a giant vat of Kool-Aid, which also happened to be laced with Cyanide. 909 people all stood there in line and knowingly drank this Kool-Aid and committed the largest mass suicide in history. It’s pretty insane that this is a part of our nation’s history. I had heard of the Jonestown Massacre before, but never knew what it was actually all about. How insane is it that this actually happened? Here I thought Heaven’s Gate was some crazy shit. The worst part of the whole Peoples Temple/Jonestown situation, though, is that these people weren’t just following some bat-shit crazy guy telling them they were doing God’s work or something, (although, they were,) but they all were working towards a goal that they genuinely believed in. Worse than that, they were working towards a goal that I genuinely believe in. I guess it just goes to show that positive intentions don’t always garner positive results, particularly when your leader gets drunk with power and goes completely insane. Jonestown is a very long involved story, though, but a fascinating one. Jim Jones Jr. survived this situation because he happened to be traveling outside of Jonestown when the incident took place. His father radioed to him and the fellow members that were traveling together instructing them to commit suicide, as well. He did not but, from what I understand, some of the others with him did. There were only seven or so survivors, of the people who were actually in Jonestown that day. I am just so shocked to learn all of this. It is such a monumental incident in our history and I just find it so shocking that this is the first I am actually learning the details of it. In any sense, it was a really good episode of Oprah. John Wayne Gacy’s sister didn’t really have anything too interesting to say, except that to her he had always been a really good person and she loved him in spite of his crimes. Oprah also tossed around a few theories about him being such a repressed homosexual that he wound up going insane, which I found fascinating because I always thought that about Jeffrey Dahmer. I wonder if that may be some sort of recurring theme in serial killers. Aileen Wuornos was gay, too. I don’t know. I don’t follow serial killers well enough to know of any patterns amongst them, except that a lot of them have the middle name Wayne. That is my brother’s middle name. Interesting.
Anyway, 5pm rolled around and I still hadn’t heard from my sister. I called her again and she told me they had driven down to Port Charlotte or some shit down in that direction to get a movie that her girlfriend’s daughter needed for school and she would call me once they got home. So, here I had been sitting here dressed and ready to go all day long and it seemed pretty clear that I wasn’t going to wind up going anywhere. What’s worse is the fact that I hadn’t even eaten because I figured I would get something while I was out with them. So, after this I figured it would be a while before anything happened if it were going to happen, so I decided to have a bowl of Cupcake Pebbles. I also watched an Oprah “make-under” episode and an episode of “The Robert Verdi Show starring Robert Verdi.” Robert Verdi, for those who don’t know, is a celebrity stylist and television personality. He recently got his own show on Logo, which is hilarious. I love this show and find him pretty inspiring. I can relate to him in a lot of ways, honestly. In the opening credits of the show he says, “Some people think I have it all – those people are blind…” and he starts listing all these random things he wants. Every episode of the show is centered around him trying to come up with a new scheme to expand his brand. The first episode was about him trying to become an internationally beloved children’s character and this episode was about him trying to create an international diet craze. Throughout each episode he comes up with about a million different random ideas he wants to do and has his staff try to make these things happen. Basically, he is exactly what I would be if I happened to have a staff and I like seeing what that’s like. I’ve got to say, I like it a lot!
I’m not sure how exactly it happened, but somehow I managed to find myself watching makeup tutorials on YouTube. I had never done that before, but my friend Whitney has told me about it and somehow I wound up doing it today. It kind of sucks you in and after just watching one out of curiosity I wound up sitting here watching a whole string of them for over an hour. Of course, at this point I was pretty confident that I wouldn’t be leaving the house today since it was after 8pm and I still hadn’t heard back from my sister, so I decided to get back into pajamas and take off the makeup I had on so I could try to use some of the tips I had learned from YouTube. One thing I have always been really curious about is how to make your eyes appear larger since mine happen to be small-ish. Well, these girls on YouTube taught me that it is all about using lighter colors and doing it a little higher up than I usually do. Also, it seems like keeping eyeliner very thin on the inside of the eye, (the area closest to your nose,) and going thicker on the outside, as well as blending some darker shadow on the outside, gives the illusion of bigger, brighter, wider eyes. I must say, I gave it a try and the pretty little asian girl on YouTube who taught me all this stuff was absolutely right! She’s my pretend BFF now.
So, around 10pm I decided to go ahead and call my sister again, not to see if she was still coming, (duh, she wasn’t,) but to see if she could pick me up tomorrow and take me to a store. In the midst of all of these makeup tutorials, I realized that I need more, and better, makeup brushes. I also need to pick up that facial cleanser I looked at last weekend at Ulta. My Mom called me earlier today to tell me that she found some Avon eye makeup remover somewhere she was at for super cheap, so that is no longer on the list of shit I need. I am also hoping that I may be able to wind up at Burlington Coat Factory and pick up some new clothes still. Amidst everything else I did today, I have spent much of the day looking at clothes on Ebay. I found this company called Youstar, based out of Hong Kong, who makes really gorgeous clothes that I kind of really want to buy. We’ll see how that goes, though, once I actually get my debit card. I am holding off on any further Ebay purchases until that happens, although I am currently the highest bidder on a MAC 120 color eyeshadow palette that I am pretty excited about. Of course, that auction doesn’t end until Friday. I don’t doubt that I should have my debit card by then. I am limiting myself right now, though. I already ordered the Galliano shirt, and I fully intend to buy the Cavalli shirt I have been talking about once my debit card arrives. Aside from that, the only other purchase I will make on there right now is the MAC palette, should it not go any higher than my current maximum bid… and maybe if it does, but doesn’t go TOO much higher. I am also waiting on my debit card to buy my Sheryl Crow tickets, although I find myself questioning that whole thing at this point. I’m not sure why, honestly, but I kind of keep telling myself I can’t afford it. I have already laid out in my head multiple times how I can, but for some reason I keep getting this feeling like there is something I’m not factoring in that would make it less affordable for me. I can’t imagine what it is, though, and for now the plan is still to move forward with buying those tickets as soon as I get my debit card and deposit some of my check into the bank.
It is now after 3am, and it’s been a few weeks since I have been up this late. I don’t want to make a habit of it again, so I am going to try to go to sleep now. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be writing a blog going on about all the fabulous new clothes I spent less than $100 on. We’ll see how that goes, though. For now, sleep is where I’m going.
By the time I was finished with my shower, hair and makeup it was nearly 2pm and I still hadn’t heard from my sister. So, I sat down to watch some TV shows from the past week that I had missed. I went to watch yesterday’s episode of “The View” and found that the first 30 minutes or so were not there. Why wouldn’t they be there? Well, there was a breaking news story that interrupted it. It must have been some major news for my local ABC affiliate to be interrupting their airing of “The View,” right? In general, they only interrupt “The View” for MAJOR breaking news, or Presidential addresses and things of that nature. This was none of those things. What was it? FUCKING TIGER WOODS. I really dislike that guy. Unlike most of America, though, my distaste for him has nothing to do with those fourteen random girls he fucked. No, I disliked him long before that ever happened, although it does tie in to that a bit. I just hate the way that he has always been portrayed as this model citizen, “goody-two-shoes” type. I dislike that in any celebrity. There is a lot of talk about people being positive role models for our youth and such, but I don’t think somebody with an image like Tiger Woods had prior to this scandal is a positive role model. In fact, I think those types may be even worse for people than the Lindsay Lohans and Paris Hiltons of the world. How is that possible? Well, Tiger Woods was setting an extremely unrealistic example for kids. Lindsay and Paris may be setting a negative example, but at least it is one that is possible. Kids don’t need to be faced with people who are supposed to be “perfection” because they are never going to be perfection themselves. What they need to see are people who make mistakes and rise above them. Who do I think is a great role model? Katharine McPhee, who was open with the world about her battles with bulimia and now discusses it frankly and honestly in interviews. She is a great example of a person who has had problems but has kept on going and gotten past them. Mandy Moore is another excellent role model, having suffered from depression and gone through relationship troubles and managed to channel it all into art. I just believe that what kids need to see are people who have faced troubles in their lives and persevered, because every one of those kids are going to face some pretty tough issues in life and they need to see people who have been able to rise above it. So, in some ways, I think this whole Tiger Woods debacle has been a positive thing because it has knocked him off the pedestal so many people had him on. As far as my thoughts on his apology and speech, I found it kind of insincere. I’m sure he meant what he was saying, but he should have just spoken candidly instead of reading a pre-written statement. It would have garnered much more sympathy from the world and would have come across much more genuine. Also, I don’t really give a shit about his family or whether or not he will return to golf, so my opinion on the whole thing probably doesn’t matter anyway.
I also watched a fascinating episode of Oprah, where her guests were Jim Jones Jr. and Karen Gacy. Jim Jones Jr. is the son of Jim Jones, the founder of the People’s Temple cult and perpetrator of the Jonestown Massacre. For those who don’t know, People’s Temple was originated as a church of “apostolistic socialists,” (Wikipedia’s words, not mine,) who wanted to eradicate racial, economical and any other labels that separated human from human. They were really working for a good cause, all in all, in my opinion. However, their methods were certainly questionable – to the point that members of this church were living their lives solely for the church, turning over 100% of their income to Jim Jones, etc. In 1977, after receiving a lot of criticism from the media here in the U.S., the church organized a mass migration to a large area they had purchased and cultivated in Guyana, that they wound up naming Jonestown. Nearly 1,000 members of this church picked up and moved to Jonestown. These people were promised a sort of utopia in Jonestown, which it appeared to be for a short while. Then, after the arrival of Jim Jones, it became a bit of a living hell. They were forced to labor 12 hours a day and spend the rest of their time studying socialism and were even said to have been subjected to some forms of mind-control and behavior modification techniques. Essentially, it was a mess. In 1978, after claims from a few families in the U.S. that loved ones were being held against their will in Jonestown, Congressman Leo Ryan paid Jonestown a visit to see what exactly was going on there. Jim Jones, of course, worked to make everything appear happy and good there but eventually two residents there told journalists who had accompanied Congressman Ryan on his visit that they were being held against their will and wanted to leave. So, Jim Jones made it out as if they were free to go. Then, as Congressman Ryan, the journalists and the two residents were attempting to leave a group of Peoples Temple members ambushed and murdered them on the airstrip they were leaving from. This is when the shit hit the fan. After this happened, Jim Jones gathered the 900something members of Peoples Temple that were there in Jonestown and forced them all to drink from a giant vat of Kool-Aid, which also happened to be laced with Cyanide. 909 people all stood there in line and knowingly drank this Kool-Aid and committed the largest mass suicide in history. It’s pretty insane that this is a part of our nation’s history. I had heard of the Jonestown Massacre before, but never knew what it was actually all about. How insane is it that this actually happened? Here I thought Heaven’s Gate was some crazy shit. The worst part of the whole Peoples Temple/Jonestown situation, though, is that these people weren’t just following some bat-shit crazy guy telling them they were doing God’s work or something, (although, they were,) but they all were working towards a goal that they genuinely believed in. Worse than that, they were working towards a goal that I genuinely believe in. I guess it just goes to show that positive intentions don’t always garner positive results, particularly when your leader gets drunk with power and goes completely insane. Jonestown is a very long involved story, though, but a fascinating one. Jim Jones Jr. survived this situation because he happened to be traveling outside of Jonestown when the incident took place. His father radioed to him and the fellow members that were traveling together instructing them to commit suicide, as well. He did not but, from what I understand, some of the others with him did. There were only seven or so survivors, of the people who were actually in Jonestown that day. I am just so shocked to learn all of this. It is such a monumental incident in our history and I just find it so shocking that this is the first I am actually learning the details of it. In any sense, it was a really good episode of Oprah. John Wayne Gacy’s sister didn’t really have anything too interesting to say, except that to her he had always been a really good person and she loved him in spite of his crimes. Oprah also tossed around a few theories about him being such a repressed homosexual that he wound up going insane, which I found fascinating because I always thought that about Jeffrey Dahmer. I wonder if that may be some sort of recurring theme in serial killers. Aileen Wuornos was gay, too. I don’t know. I don’t follow serial killers well enough to know of any patterns amongst them, except that a lot of them have the middle name Wayne. That is my brother’s middle name. Interesting.
Anyway, 5pm rolled around and I still hadn’t heard from my sister. I called her again and she told me they had driven down to Port Charlotte or some shit down in that direction to get a movie that her girlfriend’s daughter needed for school and she would call me once they got home. So, here I had been sitting here dressed and ready to go all day long and it seemed pretty clear that I wasn’t going to wind up going anywhere. What’s worse is the fact that I hadn’t even eaten because I figured I would get something while I was out with them. So, after this I figured it would be a while before anything happened if it were going to happen, so I decided to have a bowl of Cupcake Pebbles. I also watched an Oprah “make-under” episode and an episode of “The Robert Verdi Show starring Robert Verdi.” Robert Verdi, for those who don’t know, is a celebrity stylist and television personality. He recently got his own show on Logo, which is hilarious. I love this show and find him pretty inspiring. I can relate to him in a lot of ways, honestly. In the opening credits of the show he says, “Some people think I have it all – those people are blind…” and he starts listing all these random things he wants. Every episode of the show is centered around him trying to come up with a new scheme to expand his brand. The first episode was about him trying to become an internationally beloved children’s character and this episode was about him trying to create an international diet craze. Throughout each episode he comes up with about a million different random ideas he wants to do and has his staff try to make these things happen. Basically, he is exactly what I would be if I happened to have a staff and I like seeing what that’s like. I’ve got to say, I like it a lot!
I’m not sure how exactly it happened, but somehow I managed to find myself watching makeup tutorials on YouTube. I had never done that before, but my friend Whitney has told me about it and somehow I wound up doing it today. It kind of sucks you in and after just watching one out of curiosity I wound up sitting here watching a whole string of them for over an hour. Of course, at this point I was pretty confident that I wouldn’t be leaving the house today since it was after 8pm and I still hadn’t heard back from my sister, so I decided to get back into pajamas and take off the makeup I had on so I could try to use some of the tips I had learned from YouTube. One thing I have always been really curious about is how to make your eyes appear larger since mine happen to be small-ish. Well, these girls on YouTube taught me that it is all about using lighter colors and doing it a little higher up than I usually do. Also, it seems like keeping eyeliner very thin on the inside of the eye, (the area closest to your nose,) and going thicker on the outside, as well as blending some darker shadow on the outside, gives the illusion of bigger, brighter, wider eyes. I must say, I gave it a try and the pretty little asian girl on YouTube who taught me all this stuff was absolutely right! She’s my pretend BFF now.
So, around 10pm I decided to go ahead and call my sister again, not to see if she was still coming, (duh, she wasn’t,) but to see if she could pick me up tomorrow and take me to a store. In the midst of all of these makeup tutorials, I realized that I need more, and better, makeup brushes. I also need to pick up that facial cleanser I looked at last weekend at Ulta. My Mom called me earlier today to tell me that she found some Avon eye makeup remover somewhere she was at for super cheap, so that is no longer on the list of shit I need. I am also hoping that I may be able to wind up at Burlington Coat Factory and pick up some new clothes still. Amidst everything else I did today, I have spent much of the day looking at clothes on Ebay. I found this company called Youstar, based out of Hong Kong, who makes really gorgeous clothes that I kind of really want to buy. We’ll see how that goes, though, once I actually get my debit card. I am holding off on any further Ebay purchases until that happens, although I am currently the highest bidder on a MAC 120 color eyeshadow palette that I am pretty excited about. Of course, that auction doesn’t end until Friday. I don’t doubt that I should have my debit card by then. I am limiting myself right now, though. I already ordered the Galliano shirt, and I fully intend to buy the Cavalli shirt I have been talking about once my debit card arrives. Aside from that, the only other purchase I will make on there right now is the MAC palette, should it not go any higher than my current maximum bid… and maybe if it does, but doesn’t go TOO much higher. I am also waiting on my debit card to buy my Sheryl Crow tickets, although I find myself questioning that whole thing at this point. I’m not sure why, honestly, but I kind of keep telling myself I can’t afford it. I have already laid out in my head multiple times how I can, but for some reason I keep getting this feeling like there is something I’m not factoring in that would make it less affordable for me. I can’t imagine what it is, though, and for now the plan is still to move forward with buying those tickets as soon as I get my debit card and deposit some of my check into the bank.
It is now after 3am, and it’s been a few weeks since I have been up this late. I don’t want to make a habit of it again, so I am going to try to go to sleep now. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be writing a blog going on about all the fabulous new clothes I spent less than $100 on. We’ll see how that goes, though. For now, sleep is where I’m going.
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