Chapter 264: Who I Am

Today I am doing things a little differently here on this blog. Instead of chronicling the details of my day or discussing the latest book I read, movie I watched or album I listened to, I have decided to try something new. Today’s blog is going to be more of an essay, or dissertation even, on a particular topic that has been on my mind today and a lot of other times recently. You see, fairly recently I had a bit of an epiphany where I came to realize something about myself that I had never actually acknowledged or understood previously. I think I may have made brief mention of it here in the blog at the time but I have never really discussed it at great length here on the blog or with anybody in my day-to-day life. I have thought a lot about it, though, and have kind of felt an itch to discuss it further. I think I really just needed to organize my thoughts about it. Having had a little extra time today and not distracting myself with other things, I decided now would be as good a time as any. So, with that being said, I have a bit of a confession to make. Confession is the wrong terminology, I think. More than that, I have a bit of a declaration to make.

I AM A TRANSGENDERED INDIVIDUAL.

One of the main reasons I have been feeling pretty strongly that I should discuss this matter is because of the automatic reactions that many of you may be having to this statement. This does not mean, in any way, that I have a desire to live my life as a female. I have no interest in going through gender reassignment therapy. I don’t intend on having any surgeries or making any attempts to change my genitalia. I don’t even have a desire to pass for female at any point – as if I actually could! The term transgender covers a much larger group of people than most people would imagine when they hear the word used. There are many different types of transgendered people in this world and I am, in fact, one of them. The entry for the word transgender in most dictionaries includes a few different definitions. The two of these definitions that are probably most common would be, "People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves," and "Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth." This is definitely not the case for me – I am definitely a man both inside and out. I don’t have any real qualms with that and, again, no intentions of changing it. I do not try to present myself as anything other than that. The third definition I have come across, which is much more accurate to me, reads, "Of, relating to, or designating a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these." While I do identify solely as male, I do not and will not conform to the societal conventions of what being a man actually means. There are no two men or no two women in this world who are the same and what it means to be male or female is strictly a matter of individual opinion. Of course, I speak in terms of character, personality, style, etc. I understand that men have a penis and women have a vagina, although even that concept seems extremely limited to me. Like I said, what being a man or a woman truly means is up to the individual who identifies with these terms. There are even people out there who don’t identify with either one of those terms or identify with both, often referring to themselves as “third gendered,” “genderqueer,” “pangendered,” “bigendered,” “ambigendered,” “agendered” or even “non-gendered.” None of these people, and none of these terms, are incorrect. It is all just a matter of which one feels right to the person using them.

For me, personally, I feel as if I combine elements of both the male and female gender. While I do have a penis and was assigned the male gender at birth, and identify as such, I still feel as though my lifestyle, including the combination of elements of both male and female behaviors, warrants the title of being transgendered. Sure, there are people who have, or are planning to, undergo gender reassignment surgery, or who live their day-to-day lives as the opposite of the gender assigned to them at birth, who could say that I am simply a boy who likes to wear makeup and is effeminate in nature – just an extra flamboyant homosexual. The reason I do not feel as though this would be an accurate description of who I am is the fact that my effeminate behaviors, my use of makeup and stereotypically feminine products, clothing, etc. hasn’t got anything to do with my sexual orientation. This is the main misconception that I feel people need to be corrected about in terms of the transgender community – being tramsgendered has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. There are transgendered people who identify as straight just as much as there are transgendered people who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or anything else. Transgender is not the state of one’s sexual identity at all – it is the state of their gender identity. These are two very separate things. For me, personally, the combination of male and female behaviors has absolutely nothing to do with my sexual identity – sure, I do take the passive or “feminine” role in my sexual relationships but there are several men who do that without taking on feminine roles. Your preferences in terms of sexual positioning have, or should have, very little bearing on your behavior in your day-to-day life. Again, it really isn’t about that. In all honesty, my use of makeup and somewhat feminine attire, doesn’t really have to do with my gender identification, either. That, more than anything, I attribute to my lifestyle AS AN ARTIST. As I have discussed in great detail in the blog in the past, I consider wearing makeup and dressing in certain ways a form of turning myself into living art. There are many forms of artwork in this world – why shouldn’t you express yourself through the thing closest to you: your appearance? So, as you see, that isn’t necessarily what makes me consider myself transgendered, either. Well, that’s not entirely true – it is most likely a symptom of it but is not the cause of it.

The thing that really makes me identify as transgendered is my behavior and my way of thinking. All my life I have known that I was different from the people who surrounded me. As I got a little older, I came to believe that this was simply because I was gay. As I got even older, and began to surround myself with other gay people, I found that I was different from them, as well. I never felt like I was just a man who loved other men. I mean, I did and I do, but it was always more than that. People always told me that I acted like a sixteen-year old girl, and I never thought much of that, but over time I have realized that, while the girl may not be sixteen years old, I do have a lot of the behavioral patterns of a girl beyond the stereotypical concepts of gay men acting “girly” or “femme.” I don’t even know how to explain it, really. It is just the way that I think, the way that I view the world and the people around me, the way that I look at every day things different from any man that I know, gay or straight, etc. I have never felt that I actually was a girl or I was supposed to have been born a girl but I have always felt that there was a lot of girl in me – not necessarily more girl than boy, per se, but a lot of girl. I mean, maybe this doesn’t make me a transgendered person? I’m not entirely sure. What I am sure of is the fact that whoever put me here on this earth got it right for me – I don’t believe that I was intended to be anything other than what I am.

So, what am I?

I am a songwriter.

I am an artist.

I am ME.