Chapter 253: It's My Party

It's Friday. It's the weekend. It's another, probably the last, four day weekend for me. I'm not entirely certain but I think I'm already regretting using my last vacation day for the year for my birthday. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to spend my birthday at work. It just seems like, at this point, it probably wasn't actually worth taking a day off for. Now, I want to make sure to warn you all up front: I AM ABOUT TO START WHINING ABOUT TEENAGE GIRL PROBLEMS. If you can't deal with that or find it annoying, please do not move forward at this point. For years my sister and most of my friends and pretty much anybody who knew me at the time said that I was like a teenage girl. I was constantly compared to or equated with a teenage girl. I didn't mind it all the time but it definitely didn't help with my lifelong struggles and insecurities about being taken seriously. Still, the teenage girl in me ran the show most of the time back in those days, so I suppose I can't really blame anybody for thinking of me that way. That is a much less frequent issue for me these days & I feel much more like I am taken seriously by the people around me. Still, every now and then, that teenage girl will come out to play. Then, some other days, that teenage girl will come out to bitch.

Today is one of those days.

I hate to be all Molly Ringwald about it but my birthday sucks. I hate it. It's really done nothing but stress me out, piss me off and make me sad this year. The whole thing with it is the fact that nobody really seems to give a shit about it. That's not entirely true - my dear friend Rachel seems really happy & excited about it - much more than I even am at this point. I am really grateful for her being there and reminding me that it IS something special. It seems that everybody else in my life is too focused on other things to really give a shit. For example, my Mom is using this weekend as an excuse to have her boyfriend over and do all the things she would normally do when her boyfriend is here, like go out and do whatever it is they do together while I sit at home alone. My brother, who was supposed to come up this weekend for my birthday, has decided to have a yard sale instead. I haven't really heard much out of most of my friends and what I have heard hasn't really been birthday-related, or even very me-related. My birthday party has basically dwindled down so far that it could very easily just wind up being me hanging out with Rachel & my sister. It could be any other night. I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking it, too.

Who the fuck cares?

Well, I do. I care. I probably care a lot more than I should. The thing you have to know is this: I am not bitching about my birthday at all right now. I mean, in literal terms, I am but it all runs a bit deeper than that. The things I have to complain about in reference to my birthday are actually all the same things I have to bitch about in reference to the rest of my life. I do feel like I've gotten to a point where very few people actually give a shit about me. It's not to say that I believe the people in my life don't care at all, they just don't care enough. I don't hear from most of my friends in general, not just right now. My Mom is more focused on her relationship with her boyfriend than any other facet of her life at this point and I do worry about being alone. I FEEL alone. It's a horrible feeling. I hate it. I just feel like everybody around me is in a place where their lists of priorities doesn't include maintaining a relationship with me. This is why I couldn't throw a big birthday party. This is why I don't really expect to see any gifts. This is why I've lost the will to care about the whole thing.

Also, aside from that, I am pretty much over my sickness from the past few days and it has left me feeling extremely exhausted. It is just after 10pm and I am seriously considering going to sleep already. I know it is early but I am exhausted. So, I should probably go off to bed & get ready for my lack of a birthday party tomorrow. Goodnight.