Chapter 250: Unwritten

Let me begin tonight's blog by telling you up front that I am writing tonight's blog from my cell phone from the couch, in front of the TV. There is a very important reason for this - tonight is the series finale of one of my long-time favorite shows, "The Hills." Now, I'll admit that I haven't been the most devoted fan in the world over the past season and a half, since Lauren Conrad left, but I have stuck through six seasons of it and have never missed an episode. I've watched these people's lives and relationships and such. I've watched the breakdown of Lauren's friendship with Heidi. I've bawled my eyes out watching Heidi move out of the apartment that they shared. I've watched Lauren and Audrina grow closer and closer, & the tensions between them when Lauren's best friend from "Laguna Beach," Lo, resurfaced in the televised version of her life. I also watched Lauren slowly grow out of being filmed and leaving the show. I've also watched Kristin Cavallari come in and fight with everyone yet still manage to become friends with them all, because she has that personality that is always endearing and forgivable. She is fun. I've also watched adorable little Whitney Port go from barely being featured to starring in her very own spin-off series, "The City," which is also having it's second season finale tonight. Despite the fact that, as I mentioned, the past season and a half haven't been that great I am still very sad to see this show end. I don't know what life is going to be like without Brody and Audrina and all the rest in my life for 10-20 episodes every year. Obviously, I'm exaggerating a bit but I have been loving this show for like 6 years now and am definitely sad to see it end. I am pretty excited to see what they are going to do with the finale. I hope they give it a really great, proper send-off. I think it deserves it. So, like I said, I am writing the blog from the couch as I watch all of MTV's coverage of the finale party & such.

So, today was a pretty boring day, honestly. I woke up at 10am and did all my normal morning routine stuff. My Mom was out at the grocery store but by the time I finished all my morning stuff she was coming home & had a car full of groceries. So, when she got home I went out and helped bring them in. Then I sat down and watched "The View" and talked to her while she got ready for work. After that, I went into my bedroom and sat down to finish last night's blog. I feel kind of crappy about the fact that it seems like it's become more and more frequent that I let the blog wait until the next day or just kind of punk out on it. I've just kind of been having trouble finding the time to do it. Actually, the time isn't the issue as much as the will. I don't know what it is exactly but for some reason I just keep finding myself feeling resistant to the idea of sitting down and writing out my thoughts and feelings. I think this stems back to what I was talking about in last night's blog. I am just so bored with my life right now. I need to figure out SOMETHING to shake things up and make me feel excited about my life again. Aside from piano, I don't really have any creative projects going on right now. I don't have any sort of... Anything to keep me excited. There is nothing going on in my life right now that makes me feel like I am moving forward. There is nothing I hate more than feeling like I am not moving forward. It is my main goal in life to be constantly moving forward.

I feel like my life is kind of like "The Hills" right now. Like the Natasha Bedingfield song that is the show's theme, no one else can feel it for me, only I can let it in, no one else, no one else can speak the words on my lips, I need to drench myself in words unspoken, live my life with arms wide open, today is where my book begins... The rest is still unwritten. That was a super fucking cheesy way to say it but it doesn't make it any less true. It's funny to think about my life in terms of being one full-length story. It isn't the most cohesive story ever. I don't know that my life could ever really be told as one long story. It's more like a collection of short stories - none of it really goes together, per se, although I can't imagine how I could ever have gotten to one without the one before it. Every single step of the way has led me to the next and I wouldn't have come to any of them without the one before it. Still, I just have this overwhelming feeling that the next step I take... Well, I can't help but feel like it is going to be a BIG one. I don't know what it will be but I know I'm going to figure it out soon & I'm going to make it work for me. I don't know why I've been so down lately - I've got something incredible, beautiful, earth-shattering & life-altering ahead of me. I am ready for it, too. I will keep my eyes open and I will be open, ready and willing to accept anything that life throws my way. Like I said before, "the rest is still unwritten."

Speaking of "Unwritten," the series finale of "The Hills" has just ended and, as much as I haven't been as into the show since Lauren left, Adam Divello and the entire cast and crew of the series COMPLETELY redeemed themselves with the way the series ended. It couldn't have been more perfect. It was powerful, shocking, true to the nature of the entire series, as well as "Laguna Beach," and really made an honest, genuine statement to both fans and critics of the series. I honestly couldn't believe it. I won't say specifically what happened, for anybody who may have missed tonight's airing or anything, but it couldn't have been more perfect. It was absolutely stunning. God, I loved that show. It will be missed. For now, though, it is time to go watch "The Hills Live After Show," and take a little walk down memory lane with the cast and such, then it is immediately off to bed. Goodnight.