Chapter 252: Never Gonna Give Up

It’s going to be a short one tonight. Like, this may be one of those single page Microsoft Word documents. The main reason for this is that absolutely nothing happened today. I woke up at 6am when my alarm went off. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom to do my morning skincare routine, brush my teeth and go to the bathroom. After that I had a cup of coffee and a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I smoked a couple of cigarettes. When I initially woke up I was having trouble getting a gage on how I was feeling but as the morning went on I started to realize that yesterday’s sickness had definitely not gone away. Still, I was determined to go to work today. I really couldn’t afford to miss an entire day and a half of work. So, I pushed myself forward and went into the bathroom to get dressed and do my hair and makeup for the day. I decided to try something a little different with my makeup today. With all of the drama surrounding her, I felt like I needed to do a little something to pay tribute to one of my favorite celebrities, Lindsay Lohan. You see, I have been a fan of Lindsay’s since I first saw her in the remake of “Freaky Friday,” and she has honestly been an indirect part of some very major things in my life. One example would be a major realization I came to about my self and my personality. One day I was just having one of those random conversations that you have in life with my dear old friend, Jen, about the fact that I really loved both Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff. This was back when they were both more prominently in the spotlight and were allegedly feuding. She said that I was a dichotomy in that sense. I had heard the word dichotomy before but I was never quite sure of what it meant, so I looked it up later and found out that it is defined as “the line between two opposing forces.” This inspired me immensely, and I wrote a song about it. This song, called “The Dichotomy,” is still one of my favorite things I have ever written because I feel like it is one of the most autobiographical things I have ever written and could really be an anthem for my life – like, if my life were a TV show, this song would be the theme. The reason for this is because I really came to realize after she made this statement that it didn’t just apply to my opinions on the Hilary/Lindsay debate but really could be applied to every part of my life. I stand on that line on every issue in my life. I can never form a completely solid opinion on things because I am always standing on the line between each side of it. I do everything I can to see both sides of every situation and not be judgmental or dismissive of any of the sides of the situation. I understand that this isn’t actually the technical definition of the word dichotomy but that word is what made me come to this realization about myself. Lindsay was also there with me for one of the most difficult experiences of my entire life, when I finally realized/admitted that I had an extremely unhealthy relationship with food and had honestly been struggling with an eating disorder for several years. This was a few years ago when her now infamous interview with Vanity Fair magazine came out, in which she (somewhat) admitted to having an eating disorder herself, as well as having experimented with drugs. While Lindsay and I didn’t exactly share the same struggles, she was always the celebrity type person that I could identify with the most. She was struggling and dealing with life in the same ways that I was at the time. I have since managed to improve my life immensely, although it is still far from perfect, but Lindsay does not seem to have made those same changes, unfortunately. Now, she is heading into jail for a 90-day sentence. As far as my opinion on this – I hope she can manage to make something positive out of this experience. To be specific, I hope she makes some music out of this experience. She is an immensely talented girl, as an actress and a musician, and it would be a shame to see these gifts go to waste.

So, in tribute to Lindsay, today I wore what has kind of become her signature look over the past few years, which is a nude eye with really thick, black liner. I also feel like I really got my face looking great this morning, with contouring and highlighting and such. Unfortunately, that great makeup was really wasted today because after about 90 minutes of work, it became clear that I wasn’t going to be able to make it through the day there and went home early. I feel really bad because I think I managed to piss off a couple of co-workers by leaving early again but I was visibly ill, in spite of good makeup. There was no way I was going to make it through the day. So, I called my Mom to come pick me up but didn’t get an answer from her. I sat in the atrium at work and waited to hear back from her. While I was sitting there, one of my co-workers came through the atrium going to break and shot me the most evil look possible. I already felt bad enough about leaving, and felt bad enough in general, so that seemed a little unnecessary. Plus, I really needed to take the time to come home and recover because there is no ifs, ands or buts about it – there is no way in hell I can miss tomorrow. We have somehow managed to become incredibly understaffed on Fridays and there is no way that I can miss that day. It just can’t happen. So, when I got home I took some Dayquil for my flu-like symptoms and an acid controller for my stomach issues and just sat down on the couch and didn’t move for a long time. I basically spent the day lying in front of the couch watching various “Behind The Scenes,” and “Looking Back” specials about “The Hills.” MTV has been airing these things non-stop for the past week and I had already seen all of them but it didn’t hurt to watch again. I also whipped out my DVDs of the show and watched some of my favorite episodes from season three. I pretty well wasted the entire day on watching things I had already seen before from “The Hills.” I am celebrating the end of an era, you know? Okay, maybe not… but it is the end of a show that I LOVED for a very long time. Around 6-6:30pm I fell asleep on the couch watching all this stuff and didn’t wake up until after 8pm. I was supposed to make dinner before my Mom got home but that clearly didn’t happen. I text messaged her and told her that and she was fine with it. She had to go to the grocery store, anyway, so she picked up some chicken from Winn Dixie and we had that for dinner. I watched “Big Brother,” which is my favorite reality competition show ever, and then watched the VH1 “Behind The Music” on Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez has always been a big inspiration to me, as well. One thing that has always really inspired me about her is the fact that she really seems to go at life with everything she has – whether it’s acting, music, designing or even love, she always seems to be giving it everything she has. I have often talked about how I have always believed that my life story isn’t one about romantic love, or that I don’t have a big, epic love story in me, because my life story is going to be one of passion and art and, most of all, music. Well, watching Jennifer Lopez over the years has really made me think that it wouldn’t be impossible to have both. Sure, she has kissed a lot of frogs but it seems to have paid off in the long run. The beautiful thing, I think, is the fact that she never gave up on trying to find it. She was in her late 30s before it actually happened for her with Marc Anthony. I’m only going to be 27 next week and I feel like, in a lot of ways, I have already given up on it. If nothing else, watching this Jennifer Lopez “Behind The Music” special really kind of reminded me that it will come eventually and that I should NEVER give up on trying to find it. It may take me until my late 30s, or even later, but it will happen for me eventually. In the meantime, my focus should remain on pursuing my major passions in life, like art and music. For now, though, my focus needs to be on going to bed. This blog wound up being longer than expected. I guess I had more to say than I thought. Anyway, I need to get my rest in order to go into work tomorrow and make it through the day. Goodnight.