Chapter 256: New

I’m starting late tonight. I’m not really sure what to say about today. Today was my birthday. My age is one number higher than it was yesterday. One year in my life has ended and another has just begun. I didn’t really ring in this new year in any special way, like I had previously hoped to. In fact, I didn’t really do much of anything today. I woke up at noon. I wasted a couple of hours doing a whole lot of nothing. I spent another 45 minutes or so practicing piano. I practiced so long that I didn’t leave myself much time to get dressed and ready for my piano lesson today, and so I threw myself together too quickly, got moisturizer in my eye, and headed out for my piano lesson. Today’s lesson was really good. In fact, it was by far the highlight of my day. I got there five minutes late, which turned out great because Viktor set me up in another room to practice for a while because he was still with his previous student. So, I sat in this other room by myself and practiced for about 30 more minutes, which was a good thing. When I got into my lesson with Viktor, everything went well. I told him how I had been sick last week and such, and he assumed that I hadn’t done any practicing, so it was nice to be able to prove him wrong when I started playing the piece. After my lesson, I came back home and sat in my bedroom wasting time for a few more hours. My Mom gave me an Ulta gift card, which I really appreciated. I feel bad that I may not have shown how much I appreciated it, though. I have just been really upset with my Mom this weekend. We’ve barely spoken all weekend – on this, my birthday weekend. Anytime we did speak, she came across as extremely distracted and flippant and more concerned with what her boyfriend was doing. Even this evening, when we were supposed to get together with my sister and her girlfriend to watch the new RuPaul show, she and her boyfriend went into the other room and that was the end of it. The whole thing just really pisses me off. Even more, though, it just really disappoints me. It has created a considerably more negative impression of my Mom in my mind. There was a time in the past when my Mom was faced with a decision that involved me and she, no matter what anybody else, including her, has to say, absolutely made the wrong one. It was one of the most ridiculously painful experiences I have ever had in my life. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of complete worthlessness and rejection that it caused in me. After this weekend, in spite of what I may have thought before, I can’t help but feel like if it came down to it, she would do the same thing again. It sickens me. It sickens me down to my very core. I can’t even imagine it. This has really been the main feeling and focus of my birthday this year. So, you can see why I haven’t exactly been pleased with the whole thing. I have talked a lot in the blog over the past week or so about feelings of being alone and neglected and isolated. I have kind of come to realize that it isn’t that I feel this from everybody in my life, like I initially thought, but that I feel it from my mother. I hate this feeling more than anything else in this world. There was some good that came out of today, though. I got to talk to a few different people who I hadn’t really been able to connect with in a while. I got to make plans with one of my dearest friends here, who I was kind of beginning to worry about in some ways, and I got to hang out with my sister and her girlfriend for a while. Plus, I had a really good piano lesson. I didn’t really get much, in the way of gifts, this year but that isn’t really what it’s about, is it? I am fine without gifts as long as I get to spend time and celebrate with the people I love and care about the most. Oh yeah, I didn’t get to do that much, either. It doesn’t really matter, though. Today was a shitty day, like so many others before it. In the grand scheme of things, my 27th birthday won’t mean shit to me when I look back on it years from now. There are things I will remember from it, like the kindness I have received from people close to me, and people not so close to me. The pain of this day, on the other hand, will be better best forgotten. Everything is going to be alright. After all, this marks a new year in my life and, somehow, I am going to make sure that it is better than the last. I don’t know how I will do it, exactly, but I will. I have decided that I am going to start working out again tomorrow, after having taken about a month and a half off from it, which I think will make a marked improvement on my psyche. I am also going to do everything I can to continue pursuing my artistic endeavors moving forward. I remember a time, late last year or earlier this year, when I was really making it a point to live my life primarily in the artist mindset and much less in the “person” mindset. I don’t recall exactly where I dropped the ball on that but I fully intend to pick that ball back up and move forward with it. No more wasting my time concerning myself with relationships and other people’s dramas. Now, more than ever before, is the time for art. I have to make something of my life. After all, I’m not getting any younger here. For now, though, I need to end this dreaded day so I can wake up tomorrow to a brand new year of my life, and to a brand new me. Goodnight.