Before I get started in sharing the songs I’ve written let me take a moment to tell you all about what songwriting means to me. All of my life I have felt an intense connection to and passion for music. I remember being in Kindergarten and waking up extra early for school so I could watch a program on VH1 called “A-Z Videos.” My first great musical love, as far as I can recall, was Paula Abdul. So, I would wake up extra early each morning to watch this program and see which Paula Abdul video they would play that morning. It was the highlight of my day back then. Shortly after that, I started collecting Paula’s albums and quickly became interested in other artists of the time, like Madonna, Janet Jackson and, a little while later, Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey was my second great musical love. I became pretty obsessed with her as soon as I first saw one of her videos on TV and, as Paula Abdul was slowly fading out by this time, Mariah took her place as my very favorite artist. This pattern continued on and still continues to this day, only it is in much more rapid succession, so much so that I have to consider my favorite artists of all-time and my favorite artists of right now. However, I think it was really Mariah Carey, as well as Madonna, who really got me started considering what songwriting really meant. When I was a little kid and listening to Paula or New Kids On The Block or Debbie Gibson, I never stopped and thought about where those songs came from. They just existed to make me happy. I had kind of assumed that if the artist was singing the song, they must have written it themselves. When I started listening to Mariah Carey, though, I started to think about this more. I still remember looking at the liner notes of the cassette version of her album “Music Box,” and seeing her name on the writing credits. I can’t remember who I asked about it, but I assume it was either my Mom or my sister, and they explained to me that not every artist writes their own songs. This blew my mind. I knew from that early age that I wanted to be a singer, just like all of those artists, and after receiving this information I knew that I wanted to write my own songs, as well. It wasn’t until several years later, when I was 13 years old, living in Arkansas, in a beat-up old trailer with my Mom, that I decided to try it for myself for the first time. I sat down with a piece of paper and a pencil and began writing lyrics and humming them in a strange new melody that just somehow came to me. That first song was called “Times Square,” and, I have to admit, it was completely ridiculous. Several of the songs I wrote at that age were ridiculous – what can you really expect of a 13 year old in the 90s? We weren’t as sophisticated or worldly as 13 year olds seem to be nowadays. After writing that first song I never stopped. As I kept going, I felt like I got better and better at it. To this day, I still strive to keep improving at it. I have written, in the past 14 years, several hundred songs. I realize I will never do anything with most of these songs but I have come to realize that I am the type of artist who will never stop working, even if nobody will ever see or hear the things that I am working on. You see, more than anything else that I may be, I feel like being a songwriter is what I was put on this earth for. Before anything that I am or any label that anybody may want to put on me, I am a songwriter. It is the single most important factor of my being, as far as I am concerned. I think there have been plenty of times throughout my life where I have managed to forget about this or push it aside. I have a pretty obsessive personality and am very flighty, so I flock from project to project. At the end of it all, though, it always comes back to songwriting and I have a strong tendency to involve it in any other works that I may do. This is why it felt so natural to write a few songs inspired by makeup, as it has become such a major factor in my life.
So, let’s get to the songs. This first one was the first that I wrote, inspired by the eye shadow Lame’. I initially intended to title the songs after the shade that inspired them but I wasn’t all that keen on adding a song called Lame’ to my repertoire. Because of this lack of enthusiasm for the name, this is the only of the three songs that is not named after it’s inspiration shade. Instead, I titled it “I Am Golden.” With “I Am Golden,” I wanted to write the song in a style that I felt represented the color of the eye shadow well, as well. So, in dealing with a bright, glittery gold color my mind automatically went to pop music. I wrote this song in the style of something along the lines of Hilary Duff’s earlier work, like “So Yesterday,” or “Come Clean,” but with considerably more emotional depth, (I would hope.) I really wanted this to be a fun pop song with a heart. When I think of pop music, I think of things like simplistic lyrics, uncomplicated rhyme schemes, fairly even flow and a catchy hook. I also have to mention the fact that the title, and the line in the song that it stems from, also took a bit of inspiration from one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite newer artists, Mika’s “We Are Golden.”
“I Am Golden”
Everything seemed so good at the start
We’d turned our lives into a work of art
There was never any question you had my heart
I never thought it’d all fall apart
Somewhere along the line things started to change
Suddenly we weren’t in love, we were playing a game
It was like we were in competition, you were acting so strange
You just seemed so desperate for the fame
You couldn’t deal with the fact
I was golden, I was golden
You couldn’t stand up and have my back
You wanted to be the one to shine
I swear to God, I’ll never take it back
I am golden, I am golden
You can try to throw me off track
But you’ll never put out this light of mine
I am meant to shine
You really seemed too good from the start
You became the inspiration for all of my art
It took nothing at all for me to give you my heart
I never thought it would be so hard
For you to look at me and see somebody on your side
And to understand I wanted you to share in my light
This is not a competition, this is my real life
I never wanted to give up the fight
You couldn’t deal with the fact
I was golden, I was golden
You couldn’t stand up and have my back
You wanted to be the one to shine
I swear to God, I’ll never take it back
I am golden, I am golden
You can try to throw me off track
But you’ll never put out this light of mine
I am meant to shine
I never asked you not to stand at my side
I never accused of being along for the ride
You were the one always leaving yourself behind
I just wish our love could have made it out alive
You couldn’t deal with the fact
I was golden, I was golden
You couldn’t stand up and have my back
You wanted to be the one to shine
I swear to God, I’ll never take it back
I am golden, I am golden
You can try to throw me off track
But you’ll never put out this light of mine
I am meant to shine
As far as the actual process of writing this song goes, it came out really quickly. I find that some songs are a bit of a struggle or I really have to work at them to get them to where I want them to be, while some songs just come out automatically and just seem kind of perfect as they are. Well, I don’t want to say this song is perfect by any means but I feel like the flaws in the lyrics are what really make them work. The fact that many of the rhymes aren’t exact and that just reading it here I would imagine it’s really hard to see the melody in it are two of my favorite parts about this song. It’s simplistic and spunky and pop but it is also oddly constructed and kind of offbeat. In terms of the lyrical content of the song, it comes from a few different places. For one, I recently watched this movie that I had seen about a million times before, called “Committed.” I won’t go into all the details of the story or anything but it is about a woman whose husband disappears and leaves her a note saying he just couldn’t deal with life anymore and needed to be alone. There is a scene in this movie where she finds him, (and that’s not really a spoiler, if you haven’t seen this movie and intend to, which I do recommend,) and he tells her that he felt like he kept waiting for something good, some sort of luck, to come his way but every time he felt like it was getting close to him it went to her instead. This reminded me a lot of a situation that I have recently been watching a friend of mine go through, which also was a big source of inspiration for this song. Then, of course, it also reminded me of a few relationships that I have had in the past. Most significantly, it reminded me of my last REAL relationship, which definitely had a sense of competition to it. My boyfriend at the time liked to think of himself as a really fun, outgoing person. He was definitely fun but I always thought he was a little misguided in thinking of himself as outgoing. When we were alone he would be a lot of fun and we’d have really great times just the two of us but as soon as we were around other people, he kind of clammed up and I would be the one doing all the talking. It was a little odd. Eventually, he started acting a little funny about it and say things like, “Everybody likes you,” “Everybody approaches you,” or “Everybody wants to be your friend and I’m just part of the package.” It was silly and kind of irritating after a while but I have since come to realize that it was because I was golden. Not to say that he wasn’t golden, as well, because I really believe that he was. He just didn’t know how to let it show. The other thing I wanted to mention about this song is the fact that it is written in a very different style than I normally write in. I don’t normally write songs that are telling stories or describing a situation but this one kind of does that. It reminds me a bit of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone,” in that way.
The next song I wrote was inspired by the eye shadow called “Chloe,” which is the deep, shimmery bronze color. It is a very dark color in the pan but kind of lightens up and shines much more once it is on the eye. I really like that quality about it. The bronze color got me thinking a lot about artists working in bronze. I’ve seen a lot about and have always been fascinated by bronze as a metal and the way that an artist can dip something into bronze and mold the metal into the shape of the item. That was really the main source of inspiration for this song, although it also kind of touches on the topic of metal being kind of cold, unfeeling and unmoving, which often makes artworks in metal a little less warm. I like that about bronze – it can be cold and unmoving while still having a warm-toned color to it.
“Chloe”
You’re just so good
I want to duplicate you
I want to freeze you in time
And do whatever I want to you
I don’t want you to change
I don’t want you to move
You’re just so perfect right now
I wish you were a statue
I want to dip you in bronze
So I can hang on to you for my whole life long
I need metal cause it is strong
So I know there’s not a thing that can go wrong
I want to dip you in bronze
You’re just so hot
You hit all the right spots
I want to stop time right now
And give you everything I’ve got
I don’t want you to move
I don’t want you to breathe
Okay, you can breathe enough to survive
I just want you to last eternally
I want to dip you in bronze
So I can hang on to you for my whole life long
I need metal cause it is strong
So I know there’s not a thing that can go wrong
I want to dip you in bronze
I just want you to stand still
I don’t want you to think or feel
I don’t want you to be real
I just want my wounds to heal
So let my illusion of you be the real deal
I want to dip you in bronze
So I can hang on to you for my whole life long
I need metal cause it is strong
So I know there’s not a thing that can go wrong
I want to dip you in bronze
With this song, I was trying to write the song from a darker place. This song stems from an experience I have had several times in my life – when you just start getting involved with someone and build up a massive illusion of them in your head. More often than not, those illusions are not what the person actually is and you wind up being disappointed. This song is about having, and trying to keep, that feeling. I believe that anybody can be anything you want them to be if you believe it enough. Don’t get me wrong, they won’t actually become what you want them to be but if you really believe that is what they then they will become that in your mind. The mind, after all, is an extremely powerful thing. However, no matter what you turn someone into in your head, reality will always settle in eventually and you will be faced with the realization that a person isn’t what you thought at all. So, this song is basically about trying to hang on to the work of art that you have created in your imagination. Like I said, this is an experience I have had several times in the past. As far as the style of the song, I was really trying to go for a darker, more soulful vibe, in the vein of “Teeth” by Lady Gaga, except a little less dark and a lot more soulful. It is meant as a dance song but one of those mid-tempo, heavy bass style dance songs that you don’t hear as often as the regular techno/house type music. I also wanted to make mention of the fact that the lyrics kind of straddle the line between being sexual and being sadistic – that was on purpose. It definitely has a strong undertone of wanting this person in a very raw, sexual way but also wanting them to remain a nameless, faceless figure in your life. This is also something that I have experienced many times in the past.
The third song is probably my favorite, inspired by the eye shadow called Kitten. The thing you have to know about Kitten is that it is a very soft, pale champagne/pink color – it’s the kind of pink I like to call “ballerina pink” because it reminds me of the color of the classic child’s tutu. This gives it kind of a vibe of innocence and purity. However, this particular shadow doesn’t stick with the standard “ballerina pink” formula because it is loaded with glitter and really sparkles. This gives it a little more of an edge. When not using it alongside the other colors in this palette, I personally like to cover my lid with it and use black along the crease and in the outer corner and add lots of thick, black liner to give it a major edge. I just love the juxtaposition of the soft pink paired with lots of black. It was with that in mind that I wrote this song, also called “Kitten.”
“Kitten”
Come keep me safe
Think of me as your little kitten
This is a big place
I really can’t be trusted
To take care of myself
I am just so indecisive
I need your help
Just trying to keep my head on
Come keep me safe
I am nothing but a little kitten
I don’t need space
I need constant protection
From the woes of the world
I am just so absent-minded
Like a little girl
I’m so easily distracted
I’m filled with joy
All I need is a boy
To give me a reason not to be scared all the time
I’m just a toy
All I need is a boy
To play with me and stay with me and keep me in line
Come keep me safe
I’ll be your naughty little kitten
Put me in my place
Make me feel completely worthless
Because you think it’s true
I can’t keep myself out of trouble
Punish me for it
Think of me as if I were your child
I’m filled with joy
All I need is a boy
To give me a reason not to be scared all the time
I’m just a toy
All I need is a boy
To play with me and stay with me and keep me in line
I really like the way this song came out. This one was written completely free form, with no concern for rhyming or flow or any of it. The melody came to me first and I just wrote whatever I could to fit into it, regardless of whether or not it rhymed or flowed well or any of it. In that sense, it’s kind of more like a poem, except it can be sung and does have a melody. As far as lyrical content, I feel like it’s pretty self-explanatory. This is basically a song examining the straight male fantasy. It is kind of written from the perspective of a woman who has been feeding the ego of a man for far too long and has finally gotten fed up with it. I know it is not the case for every straight man but it seems like you see a lot of guys who want to treat their girlfriends or wives like they are children. They often seem to feel the need to protect them in a very overbearing, dismissive and, in my mind, insulting way. It’s as if they don’t believe the woman is capable of taking care of herself. It’s kind of like they find it cute and appealing when a woman can’t think for themselves. I find that whole idea kind of ridiculous and repulsive, which is made clear by the last verse of the song. As far as where I drew this from, I can’t say I’ve ever had this experience with a man but I do feel like I have had this experience in my life, with both friends and family members, who kind of dismiss me and consider me weak and unable to take care of myself. I guess I kind of get it in that way but the way that men sexualize the whole thing really puts a pretty fucked up, sadistic twist to it. I really felt like that kind of captured the essence of Kitten in a very different way than I was expecting at the start of this project.
One of my favorite things about songwriting, though, is the fact that you can begin writing a song with a very clear emotion and concept of where the song is going and by the end you can have something completely different. It is extremely therapeutic and can take you places you never would have imagined within yourself. Through songwriting, I have managed to tap into parts of myself that I don’t think I ever would have discovered otherwise. I can’t imagine what my life would have been without it. As I said at the beginning of this blog, it is the single most important factor in my life and I thank the Universe for giving it to me every day of my life. Now I just have to keep moving forward with my piano lessons so I can take it to the next level by writing music to go along with the lyrics and melodies that I have written. It’s a long road ahead but I am determined to make it to the end and continuing this lifelong journey of songwriting, with music and lyrics… even if nobody ever hears them.
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