Chapter 198: Fading

I didn’t fall asleep last night until around 3am, which is slightly earlier than I have been on the weekends and my days off and such, so I suppose that is progress. Still, I should have gone to bed earlier considering I knew that I needed to be up and ready to leave the house by noon. You see, we had big plans for today. Today was my soon-to-be sister-in-law’s bridal shower and she really wanted my Mom to be there. My Mom and I decided that I would go down to Fort Myers, where they live, with her and hang out with my brother. The bridal shower started at 2pm and it takes about 90 minutes to get to Fort Myers. So, when I woke up at 11:15am I knew that I needed to start getting ready immediately. Yes, I knew that but that doesn’t mean that I did it. I had planned to shower and shave and such before leaving the house. When my Mom text messaged me at 11:45am saying that she was on her way home and asking if I was up and getting ready I replied that I was but I was actually sitting at the computer putzing around with last night’s video blog. It was actually noon before I headed into the bathroom to get dressed and ready. I wore a really cute outfit, including my gray & pink argyle sweatervest from Marc Ecko, and did a pink makeup look to match. I also did foundation and powder on my face but I forgot to moisturize beforehand, which wasn’t that bad but it made the makeup look really cakey. Blah. By the time I was finished getting dressed and doing my makeup and such, it was nearly 12:30pm. My Mom had gotten home during that time and was getting dressed. She was stressing out because we should have been on our way by that time. She was having trouble picking an outfit and kind of freaking out.

We also had to stop at the South Gate Mall to go to Victoria’s Secret and pick up a gift for the shower. Another reason we went to that particular mall was so I could use the MAC gift card that Rachel gave me. As anybody who has followed this blog or my status updates on Facebook knows by now, I have been really excited to get started on a MAC Pro Palette of my very own but have been hesitant because I am severely lacking in funds. Thanks to Rachel and a little bit of serendipity, I finally got that collection started today. It sounds silly to say but I was a little nervous to visit the MAC store. I have been there a few times in the past and I always felt a little uncomfortable. It always seemed like the staff was eyeing me, (giving me stink-eye, even,) but never actually addressed me directly. It was just always a little strange and intimidating. So, today I decided to say fuck it and walked in with confidence. A gorgeous, ultra-bronzed woman came up to me and asked if I needed help with anything. I had pre-shopped on http://www.maccosmetics.com so I knew exactly what I needed. I told her I wanted an empty 15 palette and a pan of Brule, and she got them for me. She took me up to the register and was very sweet and pleasant throughout the whole transaction, even calling me by name at every chance she got. I don’t know why I mention any of this but it was a very pleasant customer service experience and it’s not often that you have those. Plus, it was the opposite of what I was expecting. God, this paragraph is gay. Still, when we got back to the car I ripped these packages open and put my single pan into this palette and it was like magic. I picked Brule for my first MAC eye shadow because I have fallen in love with more natural, retro sort of looks lately and this color is perfect for that sort of thing. It is a soft, creamy beige color and goes on looking like a regular flesh tone only more perfect. I have really dark eyelids for some reason so this also seemed like a good idea because it will give them the same sort of color as the rest of my face and make them appear much smoother. I figured something neutral and multi-purpose would be a good pick for my first one. I am already really excited to get more, though. My one little pan needs some company in that big old palette. Okay, this paragraph is getting even gayer. I need to move on to something a little less gay.

So, my Mom and I spent the entire drive down to Fort Myers loudly belting out Barbra Streisand songs. We had the music up really loud because we had to have the windows down. Sometime last fall the air conditioner in my Mom’s car stopped working. She tried to have it fixed by a mechanic that the company she worked for at the time used but he couldn’t figure it out. It was a strange thing where it would start working again then it suddenly wouldn’t until it just stopped altogether. It isn’t that bad, in general, but when driving long distance it kind of sucks. It’s especially shitty because her car is a hybrid and kind of has to be worked on by the dealership specifically, and of course they are very expensive. They are considerably more expensive than we can really afford, especially since my Mom’s overtime has been cut. I can tell that my Mom is stressing out about this, considering summer is pretty much already here. I don’t think it’s THAT big of a deal but I also am not in the car near as much as she is. I’m really keeping my fingers crossed that something somehow comes up to help with our money situation because we are getting by alright right now but it is a struggle. I think we both have bills that we are behind on and have been letting fall to the wayside, like my dental bill. I really need to figure out a way to pay that so I can get in to see the dentist again. There is definitely still work to be done with my teeth. Plus, my dentist is really hot. I guess that doesn’t really have any bearing on the situation but I feel worse about owing money to somebody who I find really attractive than I would about owing money to somebody I didn’t find attractive. Anyway, we drove with the windows down some and Streisand at a very high volume and managed to have a good time on the ride down there. Since we were running late, my brother met us at a Cracker Barrel right off of one of the exits to pick me up so my Mom wouldn’t have to go all the way to his house and then to where the bridal shower was. My brother had to go to the mall to get fitted for his suit for the wedding, so we went there first. It was pretty interesting seeing my brother dealing with stuff like this for his wedding. It is just funny to me because it really reminded me that life can take you places that you never expected to go – like preparing for my brother’s wedding. I mean, I assumed he would get married eventually but it all seems very surreal now that it is actually happening. Also, I was very surprised that he asked me to be his best man. I never expected that I would be the one standing at his side for the experience. I am very happy and honored that I do get to be that person, I just wasn’t expecting it. It does make sense, though, and I do feel honored to be taking part in the whole thing.

We also decided that while I was down there we needed to find my outfit for the wedding. The outfits for the groomsmen are very simple – black pants and a black button down shirt. This simplicity, however, gets a little more complicated by the fact that these things both need to be linen. As it turns out, black linen is pretty difficult to find. We had to go to four different stores and were having a lot of trouble finding these things and even more trouble finding them in my size. Yes, this is where the lack of results from my workouts for the past few months became troublesome. We found a really great pair of black linen pants at a Casual Male store, which I was really surprised by. I have never been inside a Casual Male store before because I have always been pretty adamantly against shopping in “Big & Tall” stores. It just always seemed to me that this would be like saying, “I give up, I’m just a big fat ass.” I was wrong, though. This store was amazing! The pants I picked up there were awesome and are totally going to be worked into my regular wardrobe after the wedding. They are so cute and comfortable. I love them. I also discovered that this story happens to carry designer jeans in big sizes. They had Levi’s and stuff like that but also had really cute jeans in various washes and such, from designers like Ralph Lauren and even, my favorite, Calvin Klein. My whole quest for weight loss kind of began with my desire to buy Calvin Klein jeans. Turns out, I could have been wearing them all along. Still, I have already decided that I will not buy any Calvin Klein jeans until I have lost at least 4 pant sizes. I don’t want to go ahead and buy them in bigger sizes and just give up on my quest for weight loss. Plus, I don’t want to buy them in my current size when I fully expect that size to change in the not too distant future. Still, after the wedding and such, I fully intend to visit the Casual Male store here in town and pick up some cute jeans that will fit me in my current size. I figure just because I am waiting to wear Calvin Klein jeans doesn’t mean I can’t wear some regular, cheaper cute jeans in the meantime. I was also really surprised at where we found the shirt for the wedding – Macys. I didn’t think Macys would have anything in my size but my brother thought we should try there. He said, if nothing else, we could pick up his shirt there. As it turned out, we managed to find the same shirt in both of our sizes. It was a Geoffrey Beane black button-down shirt, with a slight sheen to it. Initially, he said he didn’t want the shirts to have any sheen to them but changed his mind when we found these ones. I think it is going to look really cute. I am also really excited because this shirt can remain in my wardrobe for future occasions when I need to get dressed up. I spent about $90 and got my entire outfit covered. The groomsmen are going to go barefoot for the wedding, so I didn’t even need to buy shoes.

After we finished shopping, my Mom was ready to leave the bridal shower so we met her at this little Chinese buffet in town and had dinner together. It was nice to all hang out together. Plus, in my distraction and the rush to get ready this morning, I hadn’t eaten anything all day. The main topic of conversation was the wedding, of course. There had been some confusion about certain people who were and weren’t invited and such since they do have a limit but we got it all sorted out. I also had initially intended to broach the topic of whether or not I could wear makeup to the wedding but throughout the whole shopping process I decided myself that I wouldn’t wear any. Well, that’s not entirely true. I decided that I wouldn’t wear eye shadow or any really obvious makeup. I will wear makeup on my face to make my skin look more and such. I was discussing with my Mom how much you don’t really think face makeup makes much of a difference until you actually start using it. It REALLY makes a huge amount of difference. Since there are going to be pictures taken and such, I want to look my best. Still, I will keep it nice and natural. After all, I know firsthand how much attention a man wearing makeup can get and a wedding is not the place to be doing things that could call attention to anything but the bride and groom. I’m really excited, though, because this is the first wedding that I will be attending in my adult life and the first wedding I have ever been in. It’s going to be a really nice one, too. The resort the wedding is being held at is gorgeous and the whole setup sounds amazing. It is going to be really gorgeous.

Of course, all this talk of weddings and such is bound to get one to start thinking about love and relationships and all that jazz. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little sad about the fact that I don’t have a date for the wedding. Of course, with the limit on attendance it’s better that I don’t have a date. Still, I just think about my brother getting married and my sister being so happy in a long-term relationship and even my Mom’s relationship seems to be moving in the right direction. I can’t help but think that it would probably be really nice to have that for myself. I have always felt like my life was meant for something greater than romantic love. Love is a beautiful thing and all but I have never believed that love, in the romantic sense, was the focus of my story. I don’t feel like it really carries the weight that people put on it and such. I feel like there are much more important things in life than that. In fact, I feel like there are a lot of things that are much more important – friendships, family and, most of all, art. As far as I am concerned, art is the absolute most important thing in this world. Nothing comes before it. At least, that is the case for MY life. I also understand that the world is a very different place for each individual living in it. While romantic love may be the main focus of some of people’s stories it will never be mine. After I got home this evening, I was watching “Hole: On The Record With Fuse,” which was basically a 30 minute interview with Courtney Love. In this interview, Courtney talked about the fact that while writing and recording the new Hole record, “Nobody’s Daughter,” she was deliberately celibate for five years. When asked why, she said that the stuff distracts her from her work. The interviewer asked her what the stuff was, like sex or love or whatever else, and she said more love. That stuff is a big distraction. I completely understood her sentiment. As I was watching that, I thought to myself that most people probably wouldn’t fully understand the gravity of that statement but I absolutely do. Still, I can’t help but feel the desire for some sort of companionship at this point in my life. It’s been a really long time since I have dated or anything. It would be nice. I figure it will happen again when it is meant to and in the meantime I will continue to focus on art. After all, like that line from the song “All That Jazz,” from “Chicago,” says, “I’m no one’s wife but I love my life.” I can definitely relate to that line.

Speaking of focusing on art, I have faithfully done my 30 minutes of piano practice each day since my last lesson and I feel like the pieces I have been working on have improved immensely over these past few days. Tonight I actually played them at their proper tempo. Of course, playing them faster I found myself making more small errors. I suppose that is natural but I still find it troublesome. I am assuming that as I practice them more at full tempo, it will improve. I just really want to have these songs down by my next lesson so we can finally move on to another piece. I am really hoping to move on to something a little more contemporary, like Lady Gaga’s “Speechless,” which I have kind of been dying to learn to play recently. I don’t want to step outside of my lessons, though, because I would probably get ahead of myself and find all kinds of stuff in the sheet music that I am not familiar with yet. We’re moving at a steady pace and I just need to be patient. We’ll see what happens next. Also, on the topic of art that isn’t my own, I also came home to find that the new Jewel record had leaked today. This is her second record on Valory Records, her country label, and it is pretty brilliant. I like it a LOT better than her first country record, which was good but didn’t have a lot of songs I could really connect to. This record, on the other hand, is full of them. The album is called “Sweet & Wild,” and it is actually a lot less country than I was expecting. It really sounds more like a pop record to me, aside from a few choice songs. One of those songs is the first track on the album, “No Good In Goodbye.” It is a very sweet song about getting frustrated with your partner and considering leaving but realizing that being apart simply wouldn’t be the answer. This is a recurring theme on the album, most cleverly portrayed in the song “Ten,” which describes getting into a fight and being filled with anger, then counting to ten and realizing how much you love the person you’re fighting with. It is a really fun, spunky song. The album also features a song called “What You Are,” which Jewel released as a demo recorded on her laptop a couple of months ago. This is one of the best songs she has ever written, in my opinion. It is a really pop sounding song that is best summed up by the line “Everything I hope to be I already am.” I discussed this song and what it means to me in pretty great length back when that demo version came out, so I won't go over it all again now. It also features her two recent singles, “Stay Here Forever,” from the “Valentines Day” soundtrack and “Satisfied,” which is a gorgeous song about realizing that you already have everything you need in life, another recurring theme on the album. One of my favorite songs on the album is called “Fading,” which is a song about looking at yourself in the mirror and realizing that you’re slowly starting to lose sight of who you are. It’s a concept I can definitely relate to in a lot of ways. Of course, this concept is expressed by way of a story of getting naked in the bathroom of a Wal-Mart. I don’t really know how to describe this properly but I definitely recommend checking it out for yourself. I recommend checking out the entire album for yourself, honestly. It is really a beautiful album. It is probably my favorite album from Jewel since her 2001 release “This Way.” “This Way” is still my favorite album of hers but I do really love this record. It is definitely worth picking up. I am also really excited for the deluxe edition that is being released, which features a second disc of acoustic versions of every track on the album. I’m sure that will be gorgeous because Jewel is always at her best when she is acoustic, I think.

Anyway, it is 4:35am right now and I absolutely must get to bed. My Mom and I have both decided that we need to devote tomorrow completely to cleaning this house. After all, we only have two weeks to get this place looking presentable before company comes and my Mom is going to be out of town with her boyfriend next weekend. So, really, this is our only chance to get this done. I mean, I have a little more time to get my room done but that is also the weekend "Sex & The City 2" comes out, so I will probably be fairly busy going to the movies three or four times. My Mom and I actually discussed this and are already planning on going on Monday evening when she gets back from her boyfriend’s house. I am also thinking that I will talk to a couple of people I know who are always seeming to come up with bootlegs of movies in theaters and see if I can get the hookup on a bootleg of it after it comes out. It’s not like I won’t be seeing it in the theater multiple times but I may as well save myself a little time and money and get it for home use, as well. We’ll see once it comes out, though, how available it is as a bootleg. I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t do that. It is illegal, technically. Anyway, it is late and I have to get up and clean all day tomorrow so I need to go to bed. Goodnight.