Chapter 188: Ridin’ Solo

Today was a pretty interesting day. It wasn’t all that different from many days but it had its share of personal triumphs. Of course, it also had its share of pitfalls. More often than not, though, personal triumphs come from those very same pitfalls so it makes sense that a day with one would have the other. It wasn’t honestly all that eventful of a day but like I said, it was interesting. The day started off, once again, at 7am when my alarm went off. Despite being awake at 7am, I didn’t actually get out of bed until 7:15am. I got up and washed my face, brushed my teeth and went to the bathroom then went to the kitchen to get a drink and eat some breakfast. For breakfast this morning I ate a simple bowl of Golden Grahams cereal. I smoked a cigarette and by this time it was after 7:30am. I heard my Mom stirring and figured she had woken up. I went to look and found that she was still in bed. We briefly discussed that we were not going to work out this morning, as we had already planned last night, and she stayed in bed a little longer. I came back to my bedroom and spent the 30 minutes or so that we would normally spend working out practicing the piano. The piano practice this morning went fairly well but I don’t really feel like it made up for my lack of practice over the weekend. I know full well, in my head, that I REALLY need to step up my piano practice. I need to make this work and it is never going to work if I don’t put in more than my normal share of practice. This means that 15 minutes a day is simply not enough. Based on this, and a couple of other factors, I have decided to make a revision to my daily musical tasks. I am still writing two new songs every day but I have decided to cut out the daily singing video and do AT LEAST 30 minutes of piano every day. Like I said, a large part of the reason for this is because I really need to devote more time to the piano – that needs to be my focus more than singing does right now. Another major factor is the fact that I don’t really feel like these daily singing videos are helping at all… at least, not anymore. They have served their purposes of helping me see what my shortcomings are, in terms of singing, but doing them everyday isn’t actually doing anything to correct those things. So, for the moment I am going to make the piano and songwriting my main focus and singing will be revisited at a later date, when I can afford to start taking vocal lessons. Once I am taking vocal lessons and really learning how to correct the shortcomings I am noticing in my voice, I will make THAT my main focus and probably do less daily piano practice. Now, I’d be lying if I said that my singing doesn’t feel like something that I should be stressing and really focusing on immediately because it is such a big part of who I am and what I want to do with my life but I also understand that I need to focus on one thing at a time and learning a skill that I have never had before and that will make an immense change in my progress towards my dreams seems like it is more urgent currently. I also keep reminding myself of the fact that there are MANY artists who have vocal shortcomings similar to mine who have managed to create brilliant careers for themselves based solely on their songwriting abilities, like three of my top five favorite artists of all time, Madonna, Liz Phair and Courtney Love. These are all people that have been immense inspirations to me and who I want to model my career after and they all have similar vocal issues to mine. I just have to remind myself about that – writing music and really honing my songwriting skills could get me to where I want to be regardless of whether or not I take vocal lessons and improve my vocals. So, that has to be taken as the more urgent issue.

On that very same topic, it reminds me of a very valuable life lesson that I learned from “Glee” last night. Rachel Berry, my favorite character on the show and the real vocal powerhouse of the Glee Club, got laryngitis and was suddenly confronted with the concept of possibly not being able to sing moving forward. She threw herself into a horrible depression because she had long considered singing her destiny and what she was meant to do with her life. I could relate to that a lot. Through a series of events, including meeting a guy who was a star football player who became paralyzed, she came to realize that even though singing is what she does best and she is immensely talented at it, it is not the only thing about her – it is not the entirety of her worth in this world. I have long said that it was complete bullshit when people say things like “a singer or songwriter or artist of any type is not who you are but what you do.” In my opinion, if you are any type of artist that IS who you are. It is the biggest part of you and it envelopes every other part of you. This “Glee” episode made me really stop and consider the fact that perhaps I am wrong about this one. I don’t feel like I am, though. I think the truth is that whatever art you do IS who you are but it isn’t all that you are. Take me as an example – I have always said that first and foremost, before anything else in this world, I am a songwriter. That is the very core of me. Not a singer or a gay man or Jason Davis or Jason Michalchek or a fashionista or anything else I may be. I am a songwriter. If I can’t sing, I am still going to be a songwriter. If I lose everything I have in this world, I am still going to be a songwriter… but I have to ask myself the hypothetical question of “What if I wasn’t a songwriter?” “What if I just somehow lost my talents and abilities to write songs?” That’s when I realized, if I wasn’t a songwriter, I would still be all of those other things. Just because that is the biggest part of me doesn’t mean that without it I am nothing. Sure, there is a part of me that feels like without songwriting the rest of it would feel kind of empty but I’m sure I would find a way to make something work for myself. What this whole thought process made me realize even more, though, is that I should really make the most of my abilities while I do have them. I can’t imagine that they will ever go away or anything but I also don’t want to risk wasting them if that should ever happen. This is another large part of the reason why I have decided to make piano my main focus at this time.

When I got to work today I had one thing on my mind: My schedule. I was very anxious to find out what it was going to be. Logically, I couldn’t find any reason for them not to give me the four-day workweek I requested but for some reason I was still really anxious about it. I spent the first part of the day stressing myself out over this whole thing. In the midst of this stress, I did manage to write the first of my two songs for today. It was a pop song, very inspired by Simon Curtis, called “Beautiful Electronic.” It was basically a song about this guy I used to sort of date, who was very prim, proper and just always seemed really perfect. He also seemed kind of cold and unfeeling and… robotic. I was really proud of this song even if it kind of followed Simon Curtis’ robot theme a little more than it should have probably. Still, I was really happy with the lyrics and the really fun, mid-tempo pop melody. I also spent a good chunk of this morning chatting with my co-workers, which is always fun. I’ve got a really good group of people around me at work, for the most part, and have been pretty happy with work lately. Still, I have been feeling like I could use a little more time away from that place. So, I was overjoyed when I finally found out that my preferred schedule was granted! Starting next week, I have the weekend off as usual, as well as having every Tuesday off. This works out really well for me in the coming weeks, too, because the three-day weekend that we have for Memorial Day suddenly becomes a four day weekend for me, since my regular day off is the day after. Then the following weekend, which is my brother’s wedding, I have that Friday and the following Monday off, plus my regular Tuesday off. I am extremely excited about that, because I won’t be missing any hours or anything, since I am using vacation time for all of those days off that aren’t my new Tuesday off. I cannot wait for the end of this month now. It will almost be like getting a full-blown vacation!

I am just so thrilled with this new schedule, although I must admit that I am kind of upset about the fact that I will be going in earlier every day, meaning that my Mom and I will not be able to work out together in the mornings anymore. However, I have found a way that this can work out to be a positive, as well. You see, my Mom and I have both been discussing joining one of the YouFit gyms here in town and going to workout in the evenings instead of the morning. I really like the idea of joining an actual gym and working out in the evenings. Last year, my dear friend Kessler and I did a weeklong trial membership at a Lifestyles gym in town and I really loved the environment there. I just liked the idea of being out amongst a bunch of people, all there for their own different but similar reasons. I really think we may need to start doing this. I am also thinking that once the new schedule starts, until we do join the gym, I am going to need to start waking up even earlier and working out by myself every morning. I think this may be a good thing in a lot of ways, actually, because I need to be a self-motivated exerciser and stop using my Mom not being around as an excuse not to exercise. I also feel like, in a lot of ways, I am holding my Mom back from her working out. She was much more dedicated to it, rarely ever missing a workout, before I started doing it with her. So, perhaps working out solo for a while would be a really good thing for both of us for a while. Plus, I would really rather start doing the “Dancing With The Stars” workout, instead of the Zumba, which my Mom has been really into and wanting to move further with. I don’t know. We’ll see… but I do think that joining the gym is the best idea. In fact, I think we could both continue doing our DVD workouts separately in the mornings and then go to the gym together in the evening. I just really feel like I need to find a way to start working out strictly for me, as opposed to making it about my Mom and I doing it together. That way, I would be pushing just as hard as she is because we would both be doing it strictly for ourselves and simply motivating one another to keep going. I’m going to get this right, though, one way or another. I just know it.

Tonight was also my piano lesson, which didn’t go as well as I had hoped. Viktor is very encouraging and constantly telling me how well I am progressing but at tonight’s lesson, I really felt like I hadn’t made any progress at all. This is, yet again, another reason why I feel so strongly about dedicating more time to practicing piano every day. I really feel like it is the most important thing I am doing in my life right now and I REALLY need to step it up. Still, it wasn’t a bad lesson. I just felt like I may not be progressing as well as I could be. Basically, I feel the same way as I feel about working out. It seems to be a recurring theme in my life right now. It’s a recurring theme that I intend to change immediately. Like RuPaul told Jujubee, I need to “STEP. IT. UP.” Still, change is a-coming in my life right now and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. Between the work schedule and the shift in my focus, I feel like I am right on the verge of reaching and exceeding my potential. In fact, having this extra day off every week has kind of made me think of something else – I could easily use those Tuesdays to take driving lessons. That will have to wait a little while, though, while I raise the money to do it and read the Florida Drivers Manual, which I have still never gotten all the way through. I am kind of on a deadline to learn to drive, after all. It’s not a REAL deadline but kind of a self-imposed one. I have mentioned here in the blog that my Mom and I are discussing the possibilities of no longer living together once our lease runs out here and I feel like I definitely need to be driving by that point in case we aren’t living together anymore. I am not going to get by very well without driving, I don’t think, so I need to learn before that time comes. Plus, it’s not like it won’t be a useful skill to have regardless of what happens at that point. It is finally time, I think, and it seems like it would be a shame not to use this opportunity while I have the extra day off during the week. After all, the hour cuts are only for the summer, as far as anybody knows, so I won’t have the extra day off forever. I intend to enjoy it and make as much use of it as I can while I do have it. In any sense, it is now 1am and I need to be up in 6 hours. Goodnight.