Chapter 191: Emancipate

Okay, so I haven’t written an honest-to-God full-length blog since Wednesday night. I’ve been slacking off, I suppose. Thursday was just a really crappy day and I didn’t want to just sit here on the blog and spew off negativity because that isn’t what I’m about here. I was basically upset with my sister because I thought she was being kind of an ass at work and treating me unfairly. It was just stupid and I was severely overreacting. Besides, if there is anything I can always assume about my sister it is that she has a reason for doing pretty much everything she does. More often than not, she will never reveal those reasons but I just have to remember that if she is doing something that seems bitchy or something, there is most likely an underlying reason for it… and that’s really all there is to be said about that. Friday was a much better day. I came to the realization after Thursday that I also just have a really bad attitude towards my job. It’s not all the time but it seems like there comes a point every single day where I become really irritated or angry while at work and I have never been a person who feels that way frequently at all – certainly never as frequently as I have been lately. I really think that my schedule change couldn’t have come at a better time. I know I mentioned it in the video blog and discussed it before but I don’t know if I ever discussed here on the blog that it has become official. My schedule is no longer Monday-Friday 9:30am-6pm. It is now Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday 8:30am-6pm. I have Tuesdays off. Like I said, I think a little extra time away from the place, which shall not be named for security purposes, is a much-needed change for me. I also have this silly little idea in my head that having this extra day off every week for the summer is somehow going to contribute to summer being really great this year. It’s hard to explain but this year I am really excited for summer. I was the same way last year. Last summer was a lot of fun, actually. It wasn’t the summer I was thinking of beforehand but it was a lot of fun. I am really hoping to make this summer the same. I don’t know why or what exactly it is but I have a really good feeling about summer this year. It’s particularly funny because before last year I was never excited for summer, not even as a kid. I mean, as a kid summer was exciting because you were out of school but it was never something I was overly excited about. For some reason last year and this year summer suddenly seems like this magical season where magic is going to happen. Last summer was fun but no magic happened. Maybe it will happen this year, though.

One thing I definitely know about summer this year is that I want to be more social than I have been over the past few months. Seriously, it’s a little crazy to think but I haven’t seen some of the people that I consider amongst my very best friends since FEBRUARY. That’s three months ago. I honestly haven’t really gone out in that time or had much in the way of company in that time, either. I have been very self-contained in that time and I think it needs to stop. I need to get out. I need to be amongst people. I need to be more socially active. That is definitely a big plan for this summer. Of course, having this extra day off over the summer also seems like a good opportunity for another thing: driving lessons. I mean, first I have to save up the money to pay for them. I think it is time to finally get to it, though. If I am supposed to be in a position to live independently by this time next year, which I kind of am, then I definitely need to get the whole driving thing taken care of sooner than later and having this extra day off every week would be good time to utilize towards getting that done. Plus, driving would make a huge difference in my life and I feel like I could definitely use something to make a difference right about now. I am very much in the mood for change.

The plan for this weekend was clear before the week even ended – to clean, clean and clean some more. We have a few different family members visiting in a few weeks, coming into town for my brother’s wedding. They will be staying here at our apartment, which means that we need to get it to a place where it is slightly more presentable. The living room and kitchen/dining area aren’t really a huge problem at this point and there’s not all THAT much that needs to be done, however my bedroom and bathroom are a different story. My bathroom is kind of disgusting in a lot of ways, like the fact that the lid for my toilet popped off a few months ago and I have never put it back on and my shower could use a good deep cleaning. My bedroom is just a mess. It’s not terrible but there is a lot of crap on the floor that should probably be shoved into the closet or wherever it belongs. I also have a couple of very large bags of clothes that need to be given to charity and trash that really needs to go out. It’s not going to be all that big of a job, I just need to get off of my ass and get it done. I would also kind of like to get some stuff on the walls in my bedroom before they come, just to give the illusion that we haven’t lived in this house for over a year without decorating at all. I know I’m gay and, according to stereotype, am supposed to love interior decorating by default but I just don’t feel like I have a knack for it. I used to say that was because I wasn’t a person with an eye for aesthetics but I can’t use that as an excuse anymore, since my extensive works with drawing and makeup and such. I still kind of suck at photography, though, as hard as I tried to make that work for me, and I have no kind of eye for decorating. In any sense, I kind of want to have my bedroom looking somewhat chic by the time my family comes. I don’t know that I am going to pull it off but I am going to try. I am not off to a great start, though.

In spite of the clear plan for the weekend, I did absolutely nothing productive today. It probably doesn’t help that I slept until after 2pm. I didn’t go to bed THAT late last night – it was around 3am when I fell asleep. This means that I slept for 11 hours or so. I think I just needed to catch up from the week because all week I was going to sleep later than usual and waking up earlier than usual. I need to adjust to my new morning schedule. Actually, I REALLY need to adjust because I am going to need to start waking up even earlier now that my work schedule is changing. I figure I will start waking up at 6:30am instead of 7am. At least, I will do that at first. I would like to work myself into a place where I am waking up at 6am. Going to work at 8:30am is going to be a pretty big adjustment. I am looking forward to it, though. Like I said, I need to learn to shake things up in my life and changing my schedule is definitely a way to do that. I am also going to start my new solo workout routine this coming week, as well. I think it will be a very good thing. I am going to start with that “Dancing With The Stars” workout DVD that I have been mentioning, and maybe some days I will even do “Geri Yoga,” to mix it up. I am really ready to start seeing results from my working out but the only way I am ever going to see any results is if I really make a regular routine out of it and stop allowing myself to skip so frequently. It’s time for me to get serious about this stuff. Maybe I will even start walking around Ed Smith Stadium on Tuesdays, because it is right next to my apartment complex and the perimeter of it is over a mile, as much as it doesn’t seem like it. I am always seeing people walking around the place with iPods or whatever, and my Mom even did it with her day off last week. I think it could be a good thing to try. They say walking is a great workout, although I’ve never really felt like that was true. It just doesn’t seem like you’re working your entire body. I don’t know. Either way, though, I think it’s worth a shot.

After waking up so late today, I ate some of the enchiladas my sister made for my Mom for breakfast and, to be honest, they left me feeling a little funky. I sat in front of the computer and was just being generally bored trying to find something of interest on the Internet. I decided to look for some music to download, which has become increasingly more difficult because all of my favorite music blogs have gotten shut down recently. I decided to Google my very favorite music blog, Music Is The Heart Of Our Soul, to see if there was any news on what had happened to it or if it had perhaps returned at a different domain or something. I found the girl who ran the blog on Twitter and happened to notice she had a link as her website, called Musicology Treat. Apparently, this is the new Music Is The Heart Of Our Soul and is full of all the same great stuff that was on that site! It was awesome and I also discovered a lot of stuff that the music forum I have been frequenting hadn’t posted recently. One of those things was an EP called “Welcome To The Dark Side” by Miss Tila, which is apparently the name that Tila Tequila has decided to go by from now on. The name is kind of ridiculous, both her “new” name and the name of the EP, but I have always been a fan of her music and had kind of assumed that she had given up on it or something in the midst of all the mess that seems to have become her life. Apparently, I was wrong. This new EP, “Welcome To The Dark Side,” is actually REALLY good. It could be argued that the main reason for this is because two of the three songs on it are covers, “Blue Dress” by Depeche Mode, which is an amazing song, and “Walking On Thin Ice” by Yoko Ono. I had never heard “Walking On Thin Ice” before but it is beautiful. I don’t know that Tila really does either of these songs justice but she does do very pleasant interpretations of them. The third song on this EP, the only original, is called “Get Me Off” and is much more Tila’s typical style. Even this one, with it’s raunchy lyrics and breathy, moany vocals, is very different from most of what she did before – it is all real instruments, not a lot of flashy production and has a very cool, throwback sort of vibe. I really like it a lot. I happened to discover that there were two other songs released earlier under the Miss Tila name, called “I Fucked My DJ” and “Pop Rox.” “I Fucked My DJ” was nothing new or surprising but “Pop Rox” is a really cool song, including a sample of Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock & Roll.” I am thoroughly impressed with Miss Tila, although I still prefer to just call her Tila Tequila. It seems like she is making a genuine attempt to make serious music. How successful she was, I suppose, is in the eye of the beholder but I like it, either way. I also downloaded the new two-track promo of the first single from Taylor Momsen’s band, The Pretty Reckless, for the first single, “Make Me Wanna Die,” from their forthcoming album. I have been a pretty bad fan lately because I knew this song was out and had been waiting forever for an official single from The Pretty Reckless but still had never heard it before today. I am absolutely in love with this song! I really feel like Taylor Momsen is a pretty extreme musical talent, based on the small group of songs I have heard so far, and “Make Me Wanna Die” has only cemented that opinion. It is brilliant. The Pretty Reckless has always kind of reminded me of Hole, (but with better vocals,) and I am very excited about that whole concept. It’s been a while since there’s been a really great, female led rock band. I mean, genuine rock, not one of the numerous variations on rock that have emerged in the past 10 years, and I am very excited to finally have a new one out there. I guess Paramore would fall into that category, as well, although I always thought of their music as falling more into the “emo” or general “scene” category. Either way, I am really excited for the Pretty Reckless album to come out. I also downloaded the debut English EP from Wonder Girls, who are a Korean pop group. It’s really good, although I am not sure why every Asian artist that crosses over to English makes the exact same style of music. The Wonder Girls EP has the same sound as BoA or Utada Hikaru or even Charice. Of course, I love all of these artists so I suppose the sound is working. It just seems unusual that they all have a similar sound. Still, the Wonder Girl EP is really fun, dance/pop music. It includes four original tracks and three remixes of some of the songs, and a Chinese version, a Korean version and an instrumental version of the lead single and title track of the EP, “2 Different Tears.” All four of the original tracks are great, though, and I am pretty excited for them to release a full-length English album.

One album that I downloaded earlier in the week but hadn’t listened to yet was the new album from Kelis, called “Flesh Tone.” I have never been a huge fan of Kelis, honestly, but I saw the video for the first single from this album, “Acapella,” while watching New Now Next on Logo and really liked the song. I have always been intrigued by Kelis since hearing “Caught Out There” and have consistently enjoyed her singles. I have also been consistently disappointed with her albums, though. Every album she’s released has had a handful of really great songs on them but always just felt like they were too long and had a bigger handful of songs that the album could really have done without. They all have felt, to me, like they had far too many songs. When I saw the track list for “Flesh Tone” I was pleasantly surprised to see that it only had nine tracks on it. After listening to it, though, I really feel like it could have done with more because I absolutely love every single track on this album. The album all seems to have this recurring theme of a renewed passion and love for life. A good number of the songs on the record, including “Acapella,” are about meeting somebody who changes your view of the world. In Kelis’ case I believe this person that she met is her new child, as evidenced by the last track on the album, “Song For The Baby.” As I mentioned, I absolutely love every single track on this album. “Acapella” is still one of my favorites, with it’s gorgeous buildup to a chorus of “before you my whole life was acapella, not a symphony’s the only song to sing.” I just love that sentiment. My absolute favorite track would have to be “4th Of July (Fireworks,)” which is another song with a huge buildup to a very simple chorus, which says “nothing that I ever do will be as good as loving you,” and “you make me high just like the sky, like the fourth of July.” The entire album is extremely dance oriented. It is all very electronic and has a very experimental sound, which has always been the case for Kelis. She definitely got it right this time. Like I said, this album only has nine tracks on it and when it ended, I found myself wishing there were three or four more. It is an extremely unique and brilliant album and I recommend everybody check it out.

I said above that I hadn’t done anything productive at all today, which is pretty much true but I did decide to end the day in a productive way – I did 45 minutes of piano practice and I felt like I got a lot better at the piece that I’ve been working on. At last week’s lesson Viktor told me that he wanted me to get the two pieces we’ve been working on for a while now down so I could move on to some bigger, more “serious” pieces. I don’t know what that means, exactly, but I am excited about it. I would really like to work on a fully constructed song, preferably some sort of pop song. I don’t know that this is what we are going to wind up doing but I would like it. I have been thinking about possibly buying the Lady Gaga “The Fame” songbook and doing a little side work with it but I figure I should probably work on getting the stuff I am already doing perfected before I start working on anything separate. I have to be patient with this stuff. I have to be patient with myself. Rome wasn’t built in a day, or whatever they say. Nobody picks up piano in just two months, I assume. Not even Lady Gaga, I’m sure. I also did a really fun makeup look today, even though I didn’t wind up leaving the house. I do that a lot on days when I am not leaving the house just to try new things with makeup to see if I may want to try them outside of the house. The look I did today was gorgeous – inspired by Taylor Momsen, after listening to the Pretty Reckless. It was a very thick, messy black look, finally giving me an excuse to use my favorite Christian Siriano for VS Makeup eye shadow, called Gilded Fierce. It’s a very dark black with lots of gold glitter in it. I love that eye shadow but I have a tendency to shy away from using too much black because they say it makes the eyes look smaller. Still, this look I did today was nothing but black and I didn’t feel like it made my eyes look smaller. In fact, it made them pop a lot. I loved the look of it. It is definitely one that I will be taking to the outside world eventually.

Since I made absolutely no progress with the cleaning today, I have decided to devote tomorrow completely to cleaning. I need to do a load of laundry and clean my bathroom, plus I need to shave again. I shaved today but I am thinking that maybe I should start shaving every day or every other day, at least. It’s not that bad of a process when you do it regularly. I have been doing it once a week for a few months now but I don’t like the look of the growth that comes in by the end of the week. I want to be clean-shaven every day, so I think I am going to start doing that. Like another song from the new Kelis album, “Emancipate,” I am trying to emancipate myself. “Emancipate,” to me, is a big gay anthem. It is a song about going out into the world and just being exactly the person that you want to be and being the very best version of yourself at all times. I have always tried my best to do that in terms of my personality but I feel like I kind of need to claim that more in terms of my appearance, as well. Not that I don’t already do it but there are a lot of things that I would like to do, beauty-wise, that I just don’t because I don’t want to take the time or make the effort. I want to stop that now. It is worth the effort to try to be the very best version of myself FOR MYSELF. I have long said that my wearing makeup or the way I dress or any of it isn’t something I do for anybody else but for myself. I have a lot of co-workers and such who say that they don’t like to dress up to do mundane, everyday things like going to work or whatever and I can understand their thinking on that. I happen to disagree, though. I feel like the time when we are doing mundane things, particularly going to work, are the times when we need to dress ourselves up the most. Dressing up and wearing makeup are things that make you feel good about yourself and, for me personally, work is a place where I need that something extra to make me feel good. It helps me get through the day. I feel like I need to take that feeling good about myself a step further, though, by getting serious about my workouts and doing everything I can to keep myself looking my very best every day. I am really dedicated to making a change in the way I feel every day at this point in time. I feel like I really need to make a change in that for myself. I need to, as Kelis says, emancipate myself. So, that is what I am going to do. Right now, though, I am going to bed. Goodnight!