Chapter 180: Putting It Together

Wow. That is how I have to start off tonight’s blog. Blog #180 equates to 180 days of blogging. 180 days equates to exactly 6 months, technically. I mean, if you multiply 30 by 6, you get 180. Since I am not going to sit here and figure out exactly how it breaks down, I am going to consider this the halfway point. Sure, technically half of 365 would be 182.5, but since I am not going to have a half of a day anytime soon, I am going to consider 6 periods of 30 days to be my halfway mark. That is insane, right? As anybody who has followed this blog for the past six months, or anybody who knows me, knows I am a person with a LOT of ideas. The number of ideas that I have and the number of plans I make does not ever seem to catch up to the number of ideas I follow through on. The ratio between the number of ideas I have and the number of ideas I actually complete is even bigger. For some reason, though, I haven’t really had a lot of doubt that I would make it through the year of writing this blog, at least not recently. Still, knowing myself as I do, I am very proud of and impressed with myself for actually making it to the halfway point with this whole thing. I still don’t doubt that I am going to follow this all the way to the end. I may have my doubts about what will happen after this is done, as far as the record that I plan to write based on this blog, but I don’t doubt that I will finish this blog. Honestly, I don’t know that I even doubt that I will write the record based on the blog – it is just far too big of an idea for me to really understand at this point. Sometimes I have trouble looking at how the small, day-to-day steps really help to form the big plans we have for the future. Writing a record right now sounds completely insane, because I don’t even know how to write music at this point. This, however, is because I am not thinking about the small step I am taking right now, like taking piano lessons and actually learning to play piano. I think it may have to do with the fact that I don’t entirely feel, at this point, like I am learning to play piano. I mean, I can do a LOT more with it now than I could before but I think I have this feeling like I have this cool, hot guy I go and hang out with once a week and we play around on the piano for a half hour. I don’t know what exactly I mean but it sounds like I am saying I don’t feel like I’m learning or progressing on the piano and that is not what I’m saying at all. What I am saying is that the lessons that I take don’t really feel like taking lessons they feel like hanging out and messing around with the piano. It is a good thing but it also kind of keeps me from feeling like I’m really working at it, even though I know I am. I just don’t know how to explain that properly. In any sense, I know that I will manage to write a record based on this blog. After all, when I started this blog I had my doubts that I would be writing a blog #180, yet here I am. If I can overcome my doubts about that, surely I can overcome my doubts about writing a record based on the blog. Also, I just have to pat myself on the back and say, “good job, self. You’re halfway there.”

Today was a pretty good day. I woke up a little late, right around 7:45am again, and washed my face and brushed my teeth and such. My Mom’s boyfriend left last night, so she was up and making coffee this morning as she usually is. Back to normal, I suppose. It was already nearly 8pm when I got out of the bathroom and came back to the bedroom to smoke a cigarette. My Mom and I discussed working out and she left it up to me. I decided not to, even though I know I should have. I don’t know why I ever do that. I really enjoy working out every time I do it. I can’t imagine why there are days that I just don’t want to do it but there are. I also can’t imagine why I ever give in to that when I know that I will wind up enjoying it but I do. It is strange. In any sense, we skipped the workout this morning. I spent that time dicking around online for a while. I found that my order from Urban Decay had FINALLY shipped. I placed the order on Friday evening, so it was in “pending fulfillment” status all weekend. I expected it to change to “shipped” yesterday but it spent all day yesterday saying, “in warehouse.” So, finally, this morning it said “shipped.” The thing that sucks about ordering from Urban Decay online is that they don’t give you any tracking information for your order. They tell you once it has shipped but it’s all a waiting game after that. I am one of those people who, when I order anything online, likes to obsessively track my order until it arrives. Not being able to track these ones really irritates me. Fortunately, through my powers of deduction, I can pretty well determine that it will arrive on Saturday. The last time I ordered from them was on a Tuesday and it was shipped that same day. This one was shipped on Tuesday, as well. Last time it arrived the Saturday of that week, so I can pretty well assume that this order will arrive on Friday or Saturday this week. The only reason I mention Friday is because the previous order was placed in the evening and, one can assume, shipped that evening. This order’s status changed to “shipped” this morning. So, I can assume that it shipped this morning and thus may wind up arriving a day earlier. I am hoping so because I am really excited to get it! Now, in spite of the fact that I have said I really shouldn’t have even placed that order, due to my current financial situation, and the fact that I have been stressing myself out over only having $66 in the bank and obsessively saying that I cannot spend a dime until I get paid again, I very nearly spent like $30 on makeup this afternoon. You see, on Sunday I happened to visit the website of my favorite brand of makeup, NYX Cosmetics, and found that they were having a pretty insane deal on bundles of individual products, including an entire collection of their individual eyeshadows, including some shades that I don’t already have in my S104 palette. This was a collection of 30 or so single eyeshadows for $25. It was a pretty insane deal. I just kind of dismissed it at the time because I knew that I couldn’t really afford it. For one reason or another, though, it popped into my head this afternoon and I thought, “Fuck it, I’m going to order them.” Fortunately, when I got to the website this evening after work, I found that the sale had already ended. I am very grateful for this fact, because $25 plus shipping would have basically been half of what I have in my bank account right now. That was a stupid ass idea in the first place. I don’t know what I was thinking. Like I’ve said in the blog before, it is a compulsive thing. I just get overcome with the urge to purchase and go blind to logic. Once again, the Universe is working in my favor.

On the topic of makeup, though, in continuing my newfound obsession with Barbra Streisand, I did a 60s Streisand makeup look today. I learned this from this amazing girl on YouTube, who does a lot of really great classic Hollywood star makeup looks and such. The look was from the cover of Barbra’s 1969 album, “What About Today?” It was very different from the type of looks I normally do but I honestly feel like it kind of worked for me better than a lot of what I normally do. This girl on YouTube kind of pointed out something I hadn’t realized before – Barbra has really deep-set eyes, and they are pretty small. I have the same issue. The makeup looks that Barbra did in the 60s were very focused on making her eyes appear larger, which is something I have always kind of looked for in my makeup looks. This look was perfect. It was extremely simple – it was basically a cream-colored shadow on the lids, basically giving the appearance of no shadow at all, and a really overstated crease with a thick, dark brown line. No blending upwards or anything, just this line. Then, it was topped off with a LOT of mascara and very thick liquid liner. It really looked gorgeous, as far as I am concerned. I loved it. I also loved the fact that I got to pay homage to Barbra in this small way. Of course, the only person who actually recognized it was my Mom but that was enough. It is interesting, though, because my Mom and I have kind of been bonding over all the Barbra I’ve been listening to lately. I really want to go out and pick up some of her movies on DVD after I get paid again so we can watch them together, just like she did with her Mom when she was younger. Plus, after hearing the music from it, (or realizing that it is from it,) I am really kind of desperate to see “Funny Girl.” I was just telling my sister the other day when we were looking at DVDs somewhere, that I really want to get more into classic films. I know Streisand’s films from back in the 60s and 70s don’t necessarily qualify as “classic” but I want to see them, as well. I have a particular interest in old musicals, like “Brigadoon,” “Seven Brides For Seven Brothers,” “Kiss Me Kate,” “Gypsy,” “Gigi,” etc. I have never been a huge fan of classic films, in general, but for some reason lately I feel like I could gain a lot of inspiration from them. I particularly feel like I could gain a lot of inspiration from Barbra’s films. It’s certainly working with her music.

As I mentioned in last night’s blog, it has kind of become a theme-week here on the blog, as I have been listening to a different playlist from the Streisand compilation I downloaded this weekend each night when writing the blog. Last night was the 60s, the night before was the 70s, and tonight it is the 80s. I must say, Barbra did some really great work in the 80s. I am particularly into the work she did for her album, “Guilty,” which widely features Barry Gibb, of the Bee Gees. This album includes a few of the songs that have really spoken to me the most of all of her work, including “Promises,” and “The Love Inside.” Still, my very favorite track from the 80s playlist is definitely “Putting It Together.” This song really spoke to a lot that’s been on my mind lately. It is essentially a song about trying to create a work of art. My favorite line from the song is “Having just a vision is no solution, everything depends on execution, the art of making art is putting it together bit by bit.” It is so true. I feel like this has been a lot of my problem over the years – I definitely have a vision, always have, but I have never quite figured out how to execute that vision. I have never quite figured out how to put it together. It’s okay, though, I am working on it. I am working on it, as we speak. I work on it every day by doing things like making it to the halfway point in this blog, or writing two songs every day, (which I did today,) or practicing singing by recording my videos, (which I did today,) or practicing piano, (which I did twice as much as usual today to make up for yesterday.) I am working on “putting it together.” I am working and I am making progress, slowly but surely.

For now, though, it is 12:32am and I need to get to bed. After all, I have to continue my work towards “putting it together” first thing tomorrow morning by working out. I am looking forward to it. I didn’t even mention my lost iPod scare today, though. I left my iPod with my Mom when she dropped me off at work this morning because she had to do some running around and was enjoying listening to Barbra. Unfortunately, I missed seeing her on any of my breaks today and when we were leaving on her last break to drive me home, she seemed kind of freaked out. She then told me that her purse had fallen over at some point in the car and that she hadn’t been able to find the iPod ever since. Now, anybody who knows me knows that my iPod is probably my most treasured item and one of the most important items to my daily life – it holds all of the music that gets me through the day, that sings me to sleep at night and provides me all the inspiration I need to get through life. The concept of it being lost is terrible to me. Still, I didn’t let myself freak out because my Mom was already freaked out enough, nearly to the point of tears, and me freaking out would have only made it worse. She did say that she couldn’t find it after her purse fell over in the car, after all, so I assumed it would have to be in the car somewhere. As soon as we got out to the car, my Mom opened the back door on the driver’s side and spotted it pretty much immediately. Once again, the Universe is working in my favor. It gives me little signs of it all the time and I am so incredibly grateful for every single one of them. I can always trust that everything is going to be okay because of this. Anyway, it is now 12:40am and I really need to get to bed. Goodnight.