Chapter 318: Gonna Find My Love

Okay, so I don't have a whole lot to say about today. My head has been killing me all day after doing a good deal of drinking last night. I have felt pretty awful all day long but it was probably worth it. We had a lot of fun last night. Rachel came over around 8pm and, because we were both had a little less funding than initially expected, we decided to do a little "pre-game" drinking at the house. I drank a whole bottle of Verdi and did Rachel's makeup for the evening using the Urban Decay Summer Of Love palette, which I felt was really appropriate since we are in the very last days of summer. It came out looking really great with the bronze and gold colors, with a slight touch of purple that didn't wind up staying on very long due to an excessively watering eye. I was in a mood earlier in the day when I did my own makeup and did a really dark, black look but covered in really sparkly gold glitter. I don't know what it was exactly but I just wanted to be really flashy and showy and fun. Like Britney Spears said after her "shocking" performance at the 2000 VMAs, "I just wanted to be sparkly." Actually, I had this feeling about last night before going out. We had decided to hit up this gay bar we had only recently heard about in Gulf Gate, called Barrel 87, which I had pretty high expectations for. After our two previous trips to TOTI in Venice, where we didn't have all that much fun, I was kind of over that place and ready to try a new gay bar. I just had this feeling that going out to a new place and seeing all kinds of new people, the possibilities were endless. Perhaps I would even meet my James Dean.

Unfortunately, when we arrived at this bar we were both really not into the vibe there and only wound up staying long enough to have one drink and a continuous discussion about how much we liked TOTI better than this place. I don't know what it was exactly - this place was really small but was very crowded and had a much more youthful clientele than we had ever seen at TOTI and was generally "cooler" than TOTI but it just didn't feel very inviting. So, we decided, after our one drink there, to get out of that place and head out to Venice to go to TOTI. We had more fun at TOTI than either of the times we had gone before and, for the first time, there were actually quite a few people there. Rachel and I spent the evening playing darts for the bulk of the time we were there and I drank like 3 Midori Sours. For me, that is a lot. It takes absolutely nothing for me to get tipsy - the bottle of Verdi before leaving the house was plenty. Add to that the Midori sour I had at Barrel 87 and the 3 at TOTI and I was pretty fucked up. I wound up spending more money than I had intended but that was okay. We had a really fun night. We spent the ride home listening to music, Robyn mainly, and singing along and gushing about how excited we both are that we will be seeing her in November. We also had a discussion about how much we both want to plan a night out in Ybor, going to one of the gay bars out there. They are much bigger and have much more of the "club" vibe than the "bar" vibe, like the places in town. I really want to do a club night instead of a bar night. I want to go dancing, on a dancefloor that is filled with other people. The bars all have dancefloors set up but they always seem to be empty. Nobody likes dancing on an empty dancefloor. At least, I don't like dancing on an empty dancefloor. So, we were kind of discussing the fact that we need to save up a little bit before we can do that because it will be considerably more expensive than just going out here in Sarasota. We figure we will probably need to get a hotel room up there because there is no way we are going all the way to Tampa to leave early in order to get home at a halfway decent hour. Fuck all that. Plus, we're both going to want to get real fucked up in Tampa, so we need to make sure to have plenty of money for drinks and such. So, I was kind of pushing for planning for the middle of next month, since I get 3 paychecks in October and will not have to pay any rent out of the second of the three. It seems like that would be the perfect time to do it. So, hopefully that will pan out properly.

I don't know what it is that has happened recently but I have kind of come to the realization that, no matter how old I may feel sometimes or how much I am supposed to be an "adult" at this point, I am still really young and need to be making the most of this time. I need to be going out and having a good time and putting myself out there in life at this point. There are a couple of different reasons for this, I think. First of all, hanging out with Rachel so much lately has kind of rubbed off on me a bit. One of my favorite qualities about Rachel is the fact that she has such a strong sense of fun and adventure and really comes across as a very carefree person a lot of the time. These are qualities that I know that I have inside but I have always been a person who allows my reservations to take control and errs on the side of caution and such. I think hanging out with her so much, probably more than I ever have in the years that I have known her, has caused these qualities to rub off on me a bit and I am really grateful for it. The other thing about that is the fact that I have dedicated myself to the search for somebody to love. I am sure it is evident, aside from all of the times that I have stated it in this blog, that I have been really focused on trying to find my live. I think my newfound desire to be young and have fun and go out more ties into that really well. You see, first of all, I am never gonna meet the guy for me, my James Dean, if I don't get out of the house and put myself out there for him to spot. Even if I could find him that way, what kind of guy is going to want to just hang out at my house with me all of the time. Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to date a guy who will want to just hang out at home with me and watch old movies and stuff, but I don't want to date somebody who only ever wants to do that. I don't only ever want to do that. I want to get out of the house and have experiences. I want to go out and have fun with my love. I want to date somebody who will be just as happy hanging out at home and watching movies as he will be with going out and having drinks or just having coffee or whatever else. Unfortunately, I didn't meet my James Dean last night. That is okay, though. I know he is coming. I know it is going to happen sometime soon. Like that song by Brandy, "My heart's wide open, full of hope and freedom to go wherever you are, Nothing can hold me down, nobody's gonna talk me out of it, I don't know where or when but I feel it in my heart, I'm gonna find my love." That song is kind of my anthem right now. It's coming. I can feel it. It is closer than ever and I am doing everything I can to remain completely open to it. If I keep an open mind and an open heart, love is bound to find it's way in, like those Jane Seymour commercials. I am ready and really excited for it to happen.

For now, though, my headache is starting to fade. I took one of those PM formula headache pills, so I my headache is fading but so is my consciousness. I need to go to sleep now. I have to work tomorrow - my second week of working four days in a row. I'm not entirely sure why but I have this feeling that this week is going to be considerably better than last week was. I don't know if I mentioned it here in the blog but last week was particularly hellish for some reason. This week won't be that way. I'm feeling pretty confident about that. I don't know what's going to happen this week but whatever it is, I think it is going to be good. I just have this feeling that something good is going to happen this week and I am actually kind of excited for it. I am not overly excited about having to go back to work tomorrow but I am excited for whatever good thing is going to happen this week. I suppose I will find out as the week goes on. In the meantime, though, I am going to bed. I am ready to end this day of hangover headache. Goodnight.