Chapter 308: Oh Well

So, I had Rachel over this evening and we really spent most of the evening talking and she brought me to a conclusion that I was already sort of aware of but didn’t realize the extent of before: I AM FUCKING CRAZY. I mean, I’m not any more crazy than anybody else, I assume, but I am definitely reaching some really high levels of my personal version of insanity lately and it has finally been pointed out to me. You see, this all came about when I was just kind of relaying the events of today to Rachel. As I went on with the whole story, she wound up laughing a lot about it and finally was like, “Whoa, you’re fucking crazy.” Of course, Rachel, being one of my best friends in the world, can say things like this to me without me getting really weird about it. In fact, the response that I gave was the absolute truth – I said, “Holy shit, I am!” There’s a whole lot of backstory that needs to be told here, though, for you to completely understand what I mean by any of this.

First things first, I was telling her about the whole situation that was mentioned in last night’s blog that I didn’t want to discuss here. I still don’t want to/don’t feel entirely comfortable discussing it here but essentially something minor happened at work that really freaked me out because it could have the potential to turn in to something major. I didn’t have the best day in the world today because this whole thing was looming in my head the entire time. I was harboring a lot of strange feelings of anger and resentment and general shittiness that made me not the best of company today. As the day wore on, though, I found myself slowly easing up on the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, I was as cautious as possible about everything I said and did but I kind of loosened up a bit towards the end of the day. Still, the whole situation has got me feeling really paranoid in the workplace. I don’t know what I should be saying to who and what might create an issue. For reasons that I am not going to state here, the stakes are considerably higher for me in this situation than they would be for anybody else, so I spent much of the day feeling really out of place and awkward in the workplace. I hate that feeling. It’s not to say that I feel like anybody else is out to get me or anything like that, per se, but I definitely feel overly concerned about the things I say and do and kind of feel as though my actions may be being scrutinized a bit. It fucking sucks. There’s not really anything that I can do about it at this point – what happened has happened. There’s no changing it now. What I can do, though, is really watch myself and make sure that none of what I do is going to create further issues that could wind up having actual repercussions for me.

I also told her about the boy I met on Tuesday, and who I have kind of been desperately seeking since. I actually spotted him today but it was right as I was about to be late coming back from my last break of the day and I couldn’t really stop and say anything. I told myself that it was probably better this way because he surely saw me passing by and the fact that I didn’t stop and say anything shows that I am not overly eager about seeing him again or anything. The issue is the fact that I AM overly eager about seeing him again. Still, I know that if it is meant to happen it will happen one way or another. In the meantime, though, I can’t help but obsess a little over the whole thing. I was going on about how there is “just something about him” and all that jazz – all that jazz that I had been telling her recently about that other boy I might have mentioned here in the blog a time or two, (or twenty-seven.) Then I started going on about this other boy who I have stumbled upon in a pretty random way recently. That one is a much longer story. I was going on about this all so much that I had to start labeling them as “Boy #1” and “Boy #2” and such. Isn’t there something kind of telling that I am gushing about all these different boys. The thing is, I have been using “The Secret” to attract a boy into my life. Well, boys have been springing up like daisies lately. So, perhaps what I really need is to shift my focus from bringing on the boys to bringing on the right boy. It’s nice that there are different possibilities around at this point but having a bunch of random boys around me doesn’t really get me anywhere, now does it? I just need to remain open to the possibilities that come with any boy but continue focusing on finding the right boy for me. All I really need is one who is right for me. I’m not trying to be selfish or anything like that.

After relaying all of this stuff to Rachel, she stopped me and told me how crazy I was. Why didn’t I see this before? I am fucking insane right now. I need to focus on what is really important right now. Nobody is out to get me at work and I don’t need to be paranoid. If I just follow the rules of the workplace and not allow myself to be caught up in negative situations and such, I won’t have any problem. More than that, though, I just need to focus on having a peaceful work environment. If I can keep my focus on that and not allow myself to be distracted from it, by the law of attraction, it is simply what has to happen. That is what I really want at this point, as far as that situation goes. So, I have to straighten myself out and not allow myself to get caught up in paranoia or fear of the repercussions that could possibly come. If I can keep myself peaceful in the workplace and avoid situations that could be deemed inappropriate or negative, I won’t have to worry about repercussions. They couldn’t possibly come. As far as the boys, and my habit of letting my mind run away with overanalyzing the possibilities and such, I simply need to find a way to calm myself down about the whole thing. I don’t need to get caught up in possibilities. I simply need to focus on finding the right one for me – any possibilities and ways for it to happen will be sorted out for me by the Universe and the law of attraction. I simply need to focus on what I really want in the end – finding the right boy for me. It is that simple. So, when Rachel left this evening I told her, “I’m going to go to work tomorrow and NOT be crazy.” She has agreed to send me little reminder text messages about it throughout the day to help keep me in line. So, now the journey begins – NOT being crazy. It will definitely be a lot of work but in the end it will save me a lot of trouble and help me to simply focus on the things that I want to happen, not the possibilities of things that could happen or that I don’t want to happen. It’s that simple and, I swear to God, I am going to do it! For now, though, it is time for bed. Goodnight.