Chapter 298: My Heart Explodes

Today was a pretty good day. It had it’s moments, of course, but overall I’d say it was pretty good. There’s one main thing I need to talk about, though. Boy. Fucking boy. Okay, so after some dismissive behaviors and basically being ignored last week, then deciding over the weekend that I was done with thinking about him at all, he shows up today being all sweet and adorable and sexy and just perfect and it really pisses me off. I sometimes wonder if boys don’t do these things on purpose. I wonder if they don’t have some sort of sense of the fact that you are slowly easing up on your thoughts of them and are getting yourself on the right track to just get yourself completely out from under them that causes them to come back around and be all perfect specifically for the sake of making sure that you are still under their thumbs, even though they really don’t want anything out of you, anyway. I mean, I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know if any of what I just said is true. I don’t know if I was honestly on the verge of getting out from under him, I don’t know if he could sense that I was and was all perfect on purpose and I don’t know if he doesn’t want anything out of me, anyway. Once again, I FUCKING HATE HOW BOYS ARE SO HARD TO READ. It drives me INSANE. Now I’m back in that place where I’m not sure if I should really be making it a point not to focus on this particular boy because there’s no hope of anything good coming of it, or if I should focus on him and hold out hope that something good can come of it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. It is the most frustrating thing ever. I hate boys. I’m not serious, of course. I love boys. I just hate the way they act sometimes and the way they are so hard to read and I especially hate when they are so perfect that they make your heart want to explode but then aren’t actually available or aren’t willing to make themselves available to you or are just completely indecisive and stupid. Fuck them. They’re assholes. Okay, so maybe they aren’t all assholes. Maybe this particular one isn’t an asshole. Maybe he really is perfect. Maybe he is even perfect for me. I just don’t know… and that is the thing that sucks the most. Seriously, I fucking hate it. That’s enough about that, though. Regardless of whether or not I am focusing on this particular boy or not, I definitely do not need to be focusing on these feelings of frustration and general “GAH!” because that will only bring on more feelings of frustration. So, that’s enough of that.

I woke up at 5:45am this morning after having a bit of trouble getting to sleep last night. You see, one of the wheels has broken off of my bed frame so one corner of my bed is being held up by a stack of books – ghetto, I know. Anyway, I noticed while lying in bed trying to fall asleep last night I noticed that the books must have come out from under that corner because my bed was leaning in one corner. As I mentioned in a recent blog, I have been making an effort to sleep to one side of my bed, leaving room for somebody else to sleep in the other side, as an act of symbolism and a tool of “The Secret.” Well, this corner of my bed that was leaning was not on my side of the bed, so I lied there for a while and considered just leaving it leaning. I figured it would be fine because it wasn’t like there was anybody sleeping on that side of the bed now, so why not leave it until morning. It nagged at my mind, though. I kept thinking about how this was kind of further symbolism – I’m leaving a space open in my bed for somebody else to sleep in but it was leaning, so it’s not likely that they’d manage to stay in that spot for long. So, it would kind of be like I am trying to attract somebody into my life who will inevitably just slip away. With that in mind, I got out of bed and fixed the books so that my bed was even. I managed to fall asleep pretty quickly after doing that, though, so maybe there was something to that whole idea. I slept really well, actually, and felt pretty refreshed when I woke up at 5:45am. I immediately brushed my teeth and did my morning skincare routine, then had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and watched an episode of that Nickelodeon show “Victorious,” which I find adorable, before heading into the bathroom to get myself ready for the day. I wore blue today and did a blue makeup look, as well, using Stila products. I pretty much use Stila products for everything anymore, unless I need to do something in a color that I don’t have by Stila, like black. It is odd, actually, that I don’t have a Stila black eye shadow. This is something that I will definitely have to work on once “No Makeup August” is over.

Speaking of “No Makeup August,” tomorrow is August 31, which means that the day after tomorrow will be September! In preparation, I’ve already got a cart full of stuff that I have to order on Friday from Stila’s website, as well as this one item from Urban Decay that I am really anxious to try, (All Night Makeup Setting Spray – reduces oily appearance all day and keeps your makeup looking fresh for up to 16 hours!) I really can’t wait. I almost wish that I had been a little more responsible with my spending in the month of August and had some left over so I could place an order at the stroke of midnight when it became September 1st. Of course, I can’t lie – I didn’t ENTIRELY stick to my word about the whole “no buying makeup in August” thing. The only actual cosmetics purchases I made for the entire month, though, were a set of Stila brushes, which are the best brushes in the world and have pretty much replaced every other brush that I own, a tube of Covergirl Aqua CG Smoothers tinted moisturizer, which I use on a daily basis and ran out of, a new mascara because the one I had been using kept getting into my eyes and burning, then the stuff I bought at Ulta two weeks ago, which was primarily purchased on a gift card, so I wasn’t actually spending much money on them. Regardless, in comparison to most months that is a MAJOR decrease in cosmetic purchases. Now, I need to carry that decrease over into every month, except not as extreme. Like I said, my Stila order will be about $50 and will actually include a black, a white and a brown eye shadow pan, a convertible color and the third in their “travel palette” series, Trendsetting In Tokyo. Of all of the planned travel palettes, I have been most excited to see what they would do with the one from Tokyo. I must say that I was pleasantly surprised. When I saw that they were doing a Tokyo palette, I imagined a lot of red. I enjoy reds and it is hard to find a really great red eye shadow. I am not sure what made me think it would be red beyond the whole concept of the look of the geishas and such. They took this in a completely different direction, including eye shadows in a soft beige, a BRIGHT blue, a BRIGHT pink and a shimmery black, as well as a Convertible Color in an amazing bright pink shade, which I think will look absolutely gorgeous! I am really excited to get this product. I absolutely love the first two travel palettes because they are a great value for everything that you get in the palettes, they have a really cool concept and packaging and include a lot of really great, top quality products for a very low price. If you are looking for some really good affordable, high end makeup I definitely recommend checking out the Travel Palettes on Stila’s website, because they are one of the best buys you can possibly come up with! Like I have said in the blog before, though, I really love EVERYTHING Stila. I haven’t really tried a Stila product that I didn’t completely love.

This evening, after work, Rachel came over to hang out for a while, which was fun. We hadn’t hung out in nearly two weeks. Actually, I think it had been exactly two weeks. So, we got together this evening to just hang out at my house, eat pizza, watch “Jeffery & Cole Casserole” and just generally shoot the shit. It was a great way to spend a Monday night. Of course, I wasn’t the best company in the world this evening because I first spent forever ranting about boys and how they are dumb/awesome, then was loopy as hell because I was exhausted. As a matter of fact, I AM exhausted. It was kind of a long day. Like I said, though, it wasn’t a bad day by any means. Work was considerably more entertaining than usual because we have all these random new people hanging around us, listening to our calls and such. It made for some funny times, though, which is a plus. Of course, our seats got moved around today, as well, so I have been separated from all of my best work friends and seated in an area where I am kind of isolated from the rest of my team and surrounded by people that I don’t care much for. So, it’s going to be a little weird for a little while moving forward. I’ll roll with the punches, though. Fuck that place. I don’t have to go back there tomorrow, so I don’t want to really think about it between now and Wednesday when I do have to go back. So, I’m going to stop talking about it. I need to go to bed, anyway. Goodnight.