Chapter 281: Breaking Up The Girl

Today was Friday the 13th. Friday the 13th is kind of universally known as a day for crazy shit to go down, based on those old horror movies. The killer in those movies was named Jason, so I’ve heard about it all of my life. I didn’t go into this day actually expecting anything crazy to happen and I very nearly made it through the entire day without incident. Of course, a Friday the 13th without any drama simply wouldn’t do, now would it? – More on that later, though. Like I said, the day began without any signs of impending doom or anything. I woke up at 5:45am when my alarm went off. I got out of bed and immediately headed for the shower. I was still in a bit of a daze as I shaved before getting into the shower. I was already in the shower before I realized that I hadn’t even done my morning skincare routine or brushed my teeth. So, I skipped the skincare routine this morning and brushed my teeth in the shower. It was the first time I had ever brushed my teeth in the shower and I have to say that it was a little strange for me. I don’t think I liked it very much. I definitely had the feeling this morning that everything was a little bit off. Still, I brushed that feeling aside and focused on continuing my morning expressions of gratitude and kind of forced myself to get on the right track to have a happy and productive day. I had breakfast, drank coffee and smoked a couple of cigarettes while watching last night’s “Chelsea Lately.” Then, I headed into the bathroom to do hair and makeup for the day. I wore a grayish/blue DKNY shirt today, so I decided to do a blue makeup look, using the Stila eye shadow shades Mystic, Pacific and Coal, as well as my favorite, Kitten, as a highlight. I don’t know what exactly I did with this or how exactly I achieved it but these three different shades of blue all blended together in the most gorgeous way. I was feeling pretty awesome about my makeup this morning and even finished the whole process by 7:45am, so I had a few extra minutes to smoke and talk to my Mom and such. I really appreciate the way that this has kept happening lately and fully intend for it to continue.

When I arrived at work this morning, I was in a pretty good mood. I was also, apparently, in a really great place creatively because, much like yesterday morning, I wrote several new songs in the first part of today. As I kind of discussed in yesterday’s blog, the songs that I wrote yesterday morning were all very rock-ish, inspired by my recent listening to Hole and The Pretty Reckless. I also had a lot of trouble trying to write songs that were conducive with my goals of finding my perfect partner at this point in time yesterday. Well, this morning couldn’t have been more different. Don’t get me wrong, this morning’s songs still had a rock vibe, still really inspired by The Pretty Reckless and Hole, but I was also feeling a bit inspired by some of my old school favorite bands from the 90s, like Garbage and No Doubt. However, the major difference was in the lyrical content of these songs – yesterday’s songs were not overly negative but they were definitely not a form of me pouring my creative juices into what I really want and probably weren’t putting out a frequency of what I want into the Universe. Today’s songs, on the other hand, were absolutely perfect as far as that goes. If I remember correctly, I wrote five songs today and each one of them described a different element of what I am looking for in my perfect partner. There was only one song that was kind of focused on the past but it was not done in a negative way or looking back in a painful way – it was actually looking back on something that I felt was really fun and exciting about one of my past relationships. This song was called “Bathroom,” and it was a very tongue-in-cheek song about how my ex-boyfriend and I couldn’t go back to his place or back to my place, so we always had sex in public places, more often than not, in bathrooms. My favorite of the songs I wrote today, though, was this one called “Golden Boy.” I loved this song so much not because I feel like it was the best of what I wrote today but because it actually revealed something to me that I never even realized I was looking for. It sounds silly but I’ve had this strange fascination with all things golden and bronze for the past several months and, without realizing it, that also included men. Golden-colored hair and bronzed skin – the outdoorsy, beach type. This sounds like a silly, small thing to have realized but it was really interesting to me because that has never ever been my type before and yet, somehow, it is exactly what I am looking for now. I mean, it’s not the most important thing in the world to me but, ideally, that would be the type of guy that I would find right now. So, that was really interesting.

The bulk of today was just spent at my desk, taking calls like any other day, which I struggled with a little bit because I have been given the opportunity to be up out of my seat a lot lately and I like it much better. Still, it was okay to just stay seated today. I found out sometime fairly early in the day that I somehow wound up with a little bit of overtime after staying last night and had to take an hour-long lunch today. In general, I hate hour-long lunches and try to avoid them at all costs. Thanks to my Tuesdays-off schedule, I haven’t had to deal with that problem in a really long time. Still, I tried to maintain a positive attitude about it and I actually wound up enjoying my hour lunch today. It turned out that two of my favorite new agents had to take hour lunches, as well, and I wound up spending the hour hanging out with them. It was pretty fun. Then, for the last little bit of lunch, another one of my new favorites came down and we all got to sit and talk for a while. I like being able to just sit and talk with new people every now and then, so it was nice. The interesting thing with all of the new people at work is the fact that it isn’t like most jobs where you get new employees one or two at a time – we got 15 of them in one shot, so it’s almost like being in a completely new environment at work. It kind of reminds me of the beginning of the school year, when there are all the same people you’ve been going to school with all these years but also a ton of new people that you don’t know yet. My sister made the joke at work today that I was trying to make up for my missed high school years by becoming “the most popular girl at the party.” While that is not actually the case, I can say that if it were the case, it would totally be working and it makes me smile. I like for people to like me and most people do, so when there are suddenly a ton of new people around I automatically try to acclimate myself to them and make them like me, as well. I am surprised, though, at how many of these new people I genuinely like, as well. We seem to have gotten a pretty decent group of new agents… although, there are always going to be a few duds. That is a terrible way to refer to a person, I understand, but you know… whatever.

I find it really fascinating lately that I have been kind of obsessed with gay culture. I’ve been talking about it a lot lately and feeling this strange desire to go to pride events and hang out in gay bars and such. I’m not sure what exactly brought it all on but I have been really into it lately. I think it is probably to do with the fact that I just haven’t really been hanging around gay people in a very long time. I definitely need to do more of that moving forward. For now, though, I am very happy hanging out with the straight people in my life because I’ve definitely got some good ones. Speaking of good friends, after work ended today I had plans to hang out with Rachel and her friend Kailey and do some creative artwork. Initially, the plan was to go out somewhere and work on our art but this evening the plan changed to just hanging out at my house and painting. It was a lot of fun, actually, and I really liked Kailey. I had met her a few times in the past but never really got to hang out with her for an extended period before. It was a lot of fun and I think we all clicked pretty well together. I painted this strange image of different parts of the face, all made up, like an eye with eyeshadow and such on it, and lips and eyebrows and such. I haven’t finished it yet but I will continue working on it over the weekend, I think. It felt really good, though, to just hang out and work on something creative. It also felt really good to get to know a new person. They had made plans to go to some party at some bar or something like that a little later in the evening and invited me to come along, which I declined. I feel kind of bad about that and honestly kind of wish I would have gone but I just wasn’t feeling the most like being out amongst the public this evening. Plus, they said that the bar was kind of a “biker” type place and that whole idea freaks me out. This all goes back to that post I made discussing my not-so-irrational fear of gay bashing. I do not need to put myself in the position to be the next Matthew Shepard or anything like that, as sad as that may sound. At the same time, though, I’m pretty confident I wouldn’t have run into any problems as long as I kept myself from thinking thoughts of that happening. I’ve been to a lot of bars around here and have never had a problem. Like I said, I kind of wish I would have gone. It’s a process for me, though, the re-emerging from my shell. It’s really strange how I can be so actively social in the workplace and things like that but I have this strange fear of being out in public places and such lately. I don’t know what the deal is with me. I honestly wonder if I don’t suffer from some sort of social anxiety. I don’t know… but, whatever it is, I am slowly but surely dealing with it on my own. It’s just so strange because I used to always be going out, hanging out in bars and such. I don’t know what happened inside my head to create this issue with the whole concept of doing it now. I wonder if this doesn’t tie in with my strange obsession with gay culture, though. Like maybe I am feeling so drawn to gay-themed places and events because I feel more comfortable around gay people. I don’t know… it’s complicated.

So, like I said, I ALMOST made it through the entire day, Friday the 13th, without any strange incidents or dramas but, while Rachel and Kailey were over, I received an email on my phone advising me of a message I received on Facebook from an old friend of mine who I hadn’t talked to in a really long time. My initial reaction to the fact that there was a message was assuming it was one of those things where her account got hacked or something and sent out random porn links or whatever. This was not the case, though. It’s a very long story but I was very close with this person back when I was working at Borders the first time, in 2004/2005, but we eventually kind of grew apart and fell out of touch – there was no bad blood or anything along those lines, though, just a natural progression from being close to not being close. The second time I worked at Borders, from 2006-2008, I made friends with a lot of people, many of whom I am still pretty close with now. There was this one girl in particular, though, who I became very close with very fast and, for a long time, she was my best friend. For a very long time, mainly in 2007, we spent all of our time together. I mean, we hung out together EVERY day almost. We were those types of best friends. It wasn’t a terrible friendship the whole time but, in spring/summer 2008, the whole thing fell apart in a major way. This was right around the same time that I kind of fell off the wagon with “The Secret,” and a lot of my life kind of fell apart in a lot of ways. This was the same time when I quit working at Borders, where I had been very happy for a long time. It was a very strange time for me. Anyway, there was definitely bad blood when that friendship ended. We made on brief attempt at trying to rekindle our friendship sometime in 2009 but it just didn’t go very well and never actually panned out. Well, somewhere along the way, the old friend from my first time at Borders and this friend managed to become really close friends, apparently, and were or are living together, as far as I know. Well, sometime not all that long ago, my former best friend lost her job at Borders, as well, and has been unemployed ever since, from what I understand. Apparently, this isn’t going well for her, (does it really go well for anyone, though?) and she is pretty desperate for another job now. So, this old friend from my first time at Borders was writing to me because my former BFF has apparently applied for a job at my workplace and she wanted to know if there was anything I could do, like put in a good word or whatever. I replied to this message saying that there isn’t really anything that I can do, which is true, and that my account had just finished hiring a whole bunch of people and had no plans for hiring more anytime soon. I did try to give her a few helpful hints, though, for getting a job with another account and wished her well, which I genuinely meant. Still, I can’t help but feel a pretty great deal of unease with the concept of this former BFF coming to work at the same place as me again. The really crazy thing about this, though, is that this only serves to REALLY solidify my renewed faith in “The Secret” and the law of attraction. After all, how many times have I said in this blog, both recently and over the past 9 months that I have been doing this, that I am really desperate to get back to where I was in 2007, when I was practicing “The Secret” for the first time? I have definitely made mention of that on the blog a great number of times and have thought it to myself even more. So, the Universe heard those words from me and are trying to deliver. I have to say that “The Secret” has been working for me beautifully so far. I have been feeling so much happier than I have in a very long time, and pretty much every “Secret” focus or goal for the day has managed to happen for me. All of the little things have happened for me and I definitely feel confident to start REALLY focusing on the big things. Unwittingly, though, I attracted the possibility of this friend coming back into my life, as well. The great thing about the law of attraction, though, is that it does give us the benefit of TIME. The things that we think of and focus on don’t automatically come to us because that would be crazy and we would wind up with all kinds of drama because we were thinking of things that we didn’t ACTUALLY want or hadn’t genuinely thought through. That is definitely the case this time. Not to say that I don’t want this former friend to find a job and improve her life as best she can but I don’t think that I ever want to go back to where I was with her back in 2007/2008. That is definitely better left in the past, as far as I am concerned. I wish her all the best and if she does wind up getting a job at my work, I will deal with it just fine – I’m just not comfortable with the idea of it at this point and don’t know that I ever will be. I genuinely hope that she finds herself a decent, good-paying job somewhere very soon. I would definitely prefer it not be at my work, though. Fortunately, like I said, I don’t have any real pull at my job, anyway, and can genuinely say that there isn’t anything that I can do to help in this situation.

From now on, you will not hear me say that I want my life to be like it was back in 2007 – 2007 was a great year for me but what I REALLY want is for 2010 to be an even better one. I don’t want to go back to anywhere – I only want to continue moving forward. So, that is exactly what I will do. I will do everything I can to constantly be moving forward – moving on to bigger and better things for my life. For right now, in this movement, the only place I am moving is into bed. I have been awake for 21 hours now and I am definitely feeling the need for sleep. As I fall asleep, though, I will focus on moving forward, finding my perfect partner and improving upon all of the great things that I already have in my life – my friends, my family and my talents. These are the things that are the most important to me in this life and the things that I will try my best to focus on every day moving forward. My life is going to be great and I cannot wait for all the pieces to come together. So, with that being said, I am off to bed. Goodnight.