Chapter 279: Surrendering

It is 10:45pm and I don’t intend to spend long writing this blog because I need to go to bed earlier than I did last night. You see, last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I can’t remember exactly but I was IN bed by midnight. Around midnight, though, I got a somewhat distressing text message from a friend of mine, which caused my mind to wander a lot of different places that were not exactly conducive to sleep. That’s a long story that I am not going to go into right now but, in the end, it was a good thing because some issues that were hanging out in the air were resolved… somewhat resolved. I don’t know how to explain that exactly. Anyway, this strange text correspondence went on until after 1am, which was also not conducive to getting a good night’s sleep. So, needless to say, I didn’t get a very good night’s sleep last night. Still, after listening to “The Secret” as I fell asleep, I woke up this morning on time with my alarm at 5:45am, and immediately tried to put myself into a mind frame of gratitude. I expressed my gratitude for waking up on time, for waking up at all, for the shower and shave, for my skincare routine, for my clothes, for everything I could possibly think of. It was a pretty good way to start the day, I think. I got myself all dressed and ready for the day, did my hair and makeup and was ready to go by 7:40am, which left me a little extra time to smoke and drink another cup of coffee this morning, which was a very good thing. I expressed my gratitude for that, as well.

Work was pretty boring today – not a whole lot happened at all today. It was really boring for most of the day. I recently decided, on Monday I think, that I didn’t really care so much for that “crush” I had before after all and kind of transferred that “crush” to another person. So, my “Secret” goal for today was to make a little face time with that new person. It didn’t quite work out. This was a very valuable lesson to me, though – a lesson that I learned a couple years ago but had apparently forgotten. One of the key lessons in “The Secret,” as well as Wallace Wattles’ “The Science Of Getting Rich,” which largely inspired the whole concept of “The Secret,” is that we can create our lives with our thoughts BUT we cannot impress our thoughts upon others. So, essentially, we can’t use our thoughts to make other people do things or feel things that they don’t necessarily. So, lesson learned. No more focus on specific people at all – that isn’t my job. My job is to focus on finding the person who is perfect for me, my “perfect partner,” as one story in “The Secret” put it. The Universe will handle the specifics. If I am focusing on a specific person or something too specific I am only wasting my time trying to do the Universe’s work for it. This will not bear results. So, no more of that! I am simply focusing on finding the perfect person for me – whatever form it comes in is something that I will remain open to and ready to accept. THAT is the part of this whole process that is my job. Meanwhile, I need to organize my thoughts on exactly what it is I really want out of another person. This is a bit difficult for me because I don’t really focus on specifics when looking at potential partners – I am generally open to all different types of people. Still, if I want to find that perfect person for me I need to get a clear picture of them. There are certain qualities that are kind of required in the person that I hope to end up with, I’m sure, and I need to organize my thoughts on this matter in order to have a clear picture of this person.

First of all, my perfect partner will have to be an artist of some sort. A musician would be okay but I would really prefer some sort of visual artist rather than a performer. This person needs to be socially outgoing, I think, but not a partier. I definitely need somebody who likes to go out but who can be just as happy hanging out at home. I also need a driver – not just somebody who knows how to drive or has a car but somebody who really enjoys driving. I need someone who will have fun spending evenings out driving around listening to music and talking, and I just have this feeling that even once I have learned to drive I won’t be one of those people who really enjoys it. I think my perfect partner needs to be good looking – better looking than me but not necessarily classically beautiful. I want somebody who is different looking, kind of offbeat even, but who has a natural beauty that shines through. I also absolutely need somebody who is open-minded. I need somebody who will not just put up with but really enjoy and even love all of my eccentricities. He needs to be shorter than I am but the type of little guy who has a big personality. I need the kind of guy who doesn’t take up a lot of space but really has the ability to fill a room. I need a guy who shines but who also loves to let me shine so we can reflect off of one another. I want somebody who is funny and who plays off of my humor well, but who can also be very serious when it comes to long conversations between the two of us. Most importantly, though, I need somebody who is looking for the same things out of relationship that I am: genuine love, commitment, sincerity and joyfulness. Mainly, though, I want somebody who I can have fun with when times are great, while also being able to be confident that I can turn to them for compassion and support when times are not so great. I need somebody who will be unconditionally there for me through everything. I need somebody who I could sing that Alanis Morissette song, “Surrendering,” about. “And I salute you for your courage, and I applaud your perseverance, and I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces that I represent. And I support you in your trusting, and I commend you for your wisdom, and I’m amazed by your surrender in the face of threatening forces that I represent.” Basically, I need somebody who will be willing to stand up and face their fears about all the things that I, and their relationship with me, represent. I know that I am going to be a difficult person to be in a relationship with but I also feel very strongly that all of the greatest parts of me are well worth all the parts that can get a little crazy to deal with. I need somebody who will be able to see that in me.

So, this evening was a good time. My sister came over and hung out, as well as my dear BFF, Rachel. We all ate dinner and sat around watching “Big Brother” and “Jeffery & Cole Casserole,” and talking and laughing a lot and just having a generally good time. Rachel and I actually made some really cool plans with a friend of hers, the one who she is planning the travel/blog project with, to hang out on Friday night and create some sort of art. I am really excited about this. I have met this friend of hers a few times in the past and have always really liked her, and I am excited to get to know her better and to take part in creating some art with her and Rachel. Art is definitely a big focus for me at this point in my life, so I am really happy and grateful to have people in my life who feel the same way and who I can partake of it with. It is really exciting. I am really excited to go do it – I think it will be a LOT of fun. Like I have discussed in the blog recently, I couldn’t possibly be more grateful for Rachel at this point in time. I feel like we are really good for each other in our lives right now – we both bring out the best in one another, I think. She definitely helps to bring out the best of me – all of the stuff that has been there all along and that is such a huge part of who I am that I have been hiding away for a long time; the past year and a half or so, in particular. I am extremely grateful for her in my life. Gratitude is one of the greatest emotional tools that we have, according to “The Secret,” because sending out a frequency of gratitude into the Universe cause the Universe, by the law of attraction, to bring more things into your life that create that same feeling of gratitude and joy. Having a friend like Rachel makes it very easy to feel grateful and I can only hope that the Universe will bring me more people like that in my life. I am particularly hoping right now that one of them will be a boy who I fall in love with, and who falls in love with me. We’ll see about that, although I am really confident that it is going to happen for me soon. I already feel grateful for it.

For now, though, it is nearly midnight and what I need more than anything is sleep. Tomorrow isn’t really a big day or anything but it is definitely a day worth celebrating – it is only a day away from the weekend. No real plans for tomorrow, beyond working and hanging out at home. I am cool with having that kind of day tomorrow. I am not sure what my “Secret” goal for tomorrow is but they say it is always best to start with little things and move on to bigger ones. So, I don’t know what little thing I am going to focus on tomorrow but I am going to figure it out real quick and get it done tomorrow. I will figure it out. Maybe I will focus on getting to get off the phone at work and help the new people out – I love doing that, it is not impressing my thoughts upon anybody else and it is a minor goal to focus on. So, I think I will focus on that maybe… or maybe between now and then I will come up with something better. We’ll see. Either way, for now what I really need is to go to bed. Goodnight.