Chapter 291: I Hate Boys

I'd be lying if I seriously tried to sit here and be like, "OMG I HATE BOYS," because anybody who knows me, or hell who's even met me once or twice, knows that this is not the case really. I LOVE BOYS. I could probably be described as boycrazy, like a character from one of those 1950s Annette Funicello beach movies - you know, there was always that one girl in those movies who was just obsessed with boys and thought that every boy she came across was so "dreamy" or whatever. I mean, I'm not that bad but I definitely appreciate and admire and adore the male form in all it's different shapes and sizes and such. Still, there are definitely moments where I can get really frustrated and upset with the entire male species. There are just certain traits that you find in them pretty commonly that I really don't appreciate at all. Let's explore some of these a little further.

First of all, there is the tendency to be possessive and non-committal at the same time. If you've had any dealings with boys or men or whatever, you have probably become familiar with phrases like, "why do we have to label ourselves?" or "things are so great now, why would you want to change them?" The answer to these questions is pretty simple - because we want some sort of guarantee. wWe want things to be official. Most of all, though, we want a promise that these boys aren't just going to turn around and walk away without a moment's notice. The reasons that boys say these sorts of things are because they want to have the option to just turn around and walk away without a moment's notice. Even if they have no intentions of doing so, they still want to be able to if they choose. At the same time, though, if their partners turn around and go with that same type of stance on their relationship, it pisses them off and creates an issue. I think the real reason behind this is because it is a control issue. Boys always want to feel like they have the upper hand and that you are just sitting around waiting for them or are willing to bend to their will at the threat of them leaving you, thus giving them the control of the relationship. It's fucked up is what it is. This was a big issue with my last boyfriend. He never ever wanted to say that he was my boyfriend or that I was his. It wasn't an issue where I felt like he didn't want anybody to know we were together because keeping our relationship secret was my idea. We didn't acknowledge our relationship in front of other people so it was fine that he didn't call me his boyfriend in front of others - the issue was that he didn't call me his boyfriend when we were alone. That was far worse than ever not wanting to say it in front of others. I could deal much better with him not wanting other people to know, (although that would certainly create it's own separate set of issues,) than I was able to deal with him not wanting to say it in private. If he didn't want to call himself my boyfriend in private it had to be because he didn't want to be my boyfriend. I did try to turn it around on him at one point and he flipped out on me. He was dumb.

Another thing I hate about boys is how selfish they can be. I have yet to get involved with a boy who wasn't more concerned with his own personal gains than anything else in life. The last guy that I was involved with in some way, although we were never technically involved in any official capacity, was one of those guys who had one thing on his mind. No, that thing wasn't sex. It was money. Throughout the course of the time that I was dealing with him, I watched him go through a long string of guys who were older than him and who had a good deal of money. Still, throughout all of this, he kept me around. Like the old song says, he kept me hanging on... And I just kept on hanging.I mean, at the end of the day it was my choice but he certainly had his ways of making me want to stick around and hold out hope that eventually he'd see the error of his ways and just be with me. That never happened, of course, and I just wound up sticking around for AGES before finally coming to my senses about the whole thing and giving up. I believe that he eventually found what he was looking for - not necessarily love, (although it's possible that is there, as well,) but comfort. I hope so. If not, I'm sure he can cry all over the big fancy house he wound up in and the crazy expensive car I last saw him driving. Like I said, though, hopefully he's actually happy wherever he is.

The thing I hate most about boys, though, is how they are so impossible to read. I'm not sure why that is. I think it may have to do with the difference between boy minds and girl minds. It has long been said that boys have a tendency to be the more simple, logical thinkers, while girls are more complex and emotional. Before anybody says anything, I understand that I am a boy and have a boy mind, technically, but I feel like I have always tended far more to the girl mindset when it comes to relationships. So, a boy can say or do something completely miniscule and minor that is completely meaningless to them but that the girl mind will spend several months going over and obsessing over it in their head. I do that all the time. In fact, I am kind of in that place right now. There is this boy who just keeps showing up and hanging around me and I have kind of an insane crush on this boy. I couldn't imagine that he wouldn't realize it by now but it's quite possible he has and is just not saying anything. I don't know! This is the issue, actually. I don't know a single thing that is on this boy's mind. I know that he comes around a lot and is really sweet and friendly and practically perfect in every way that I have seen... But realistically, I haven't seen enough to REALLY make a judgment. There are so many things that are so important to know that I just can't seem to figure out. Being that this is a boy we're talking about, though, he's not giving any kind of clues. I hate that about boys. It just makes dealing with them so complicated and it drives me crazy! It's one of those things that is good and bad at the same time, though. I mean, that's a part of what makes it exciting and fun to deal with boys in the beginning... So long as it goes away eventually & grows into something better. Something like the "Hummingbird Heartbeat."

I have to make myself clear here, though. I DO NOT ACTUALLY HATE BOYS. They don't all possess these qualities. I know that there are boys out there who are beautiful, sweet, charming, funny, well-intentioned men. I know that I am going to find one of these. I am going to find a boy who is nothing like those boys from the past. Maybe it's a boy who I already know, (and am obsessing over,) but maybe not. Whoever the boy is, he will be completely perfect for me. I wrote a song about it at work today, actually. It's as simple as this - he doesn't have to be perfect for anybody else, he just has to be perfect for me. No matter what he looks like to the outside world, I will see him and see nothing but perfect beauty. I am excited for it to come. I am really feeling ready for it. So, it will come any day now and I will feel such an immense sense of gratitude for it. It will be perfect.

Okay, I fell asleep writing this last night. It was a LONG day yesterday and I was exhausted, so I fell asleep with my phone in my hand while writing this blog. What a hot mess! Fortunately, it is Tuesday now & it's my day off. My Mom woke me up at 9:45am because she was sick and did not want to go into work. She was feeling really bad about it and t t didn't want to call in before talking about it with me. I told her it was fine and there was no issue. So, we're just sitting around watching TV this morning. No plans for the day. I guess we'll see what happens as the day goes on. I guess I'd better go get to it. Have a great day!