Chapter 158: Where I Wanna Be

I’m going to keep the blog short tonight for a few different reasons. First of all, it was a boring day and I don’t really have a lot to say about it. Secondly, I kind of put off writing the blog until 11:41pm because I was too busy fussing with something new I downloaded and was being anal about in iTunes, (more on that in a moment.) Third, and most of all, I am tired. In spite of the fact that it was a short day at work for me, it felt like a really long day. As mentioned last night, I played hooky for a little bit this morning because I didn’t have the cash to take a cab to work and wasn’t about to walk in the heat that has suddenly returned to us here in Florida. So, when my alarm went off at 7:30am, I woke up and hit snooze until about 9am. I got up then and did my morning facial ritual and made myself a breakfast of Peaches & Cream flavored oatmeal and sat down in front of the TV. I watched a really silly episode of “The Sarah Silverman Program,” where her gay friends, Steve & Brian, made themselves a robot baby that was possessed by the devil and her sister was really into watching gay porn. Like I said, silly… but entertaining. Then I got ready for work, put on my makeup and such and still had quite a bit of time left to wait. Speaking of my makeup today, I wore a white and raspberry colored striped polo from Old Navy and decided to try a makeup look that matched that. It was really kind of over the top, more so than I usually do for work but I guess I was in a mood this morning. First thing when I walked in the door I got complimented on it, actually, so I guess it wasn’t a bad move.

Anyway, as I mentioned, work was pretty boring. Nothing really interesting went on there and I was really glad for the day to end. I am living for Thursday this week – once Thursday comes, I will be golden. I still don’t really have any plans for the three-day weekend but I don’t really think I need any plans. I just need to relax and not think about all the bullshit that goes on at work or anywhere else. I definitely intend to make Friday a day completely to myself. Maybe I’ll do a little online shopping that day or something. Maybe I will turn off my cell phone that day. Maybe I won’t do any of that but that is kind of the beauty of it. I can do whatever the hell I feel like. It is a day completely for myself. I couldn’t be more excited for that! When I came home from work today I watched today’s episode of “The View,” which was interesting but nothing overly appealing to me personally. I spent a good 20-25 minutes at the piano and played the entire piece I have been working on with both hands at a super slow speed. It is much better than I have been doing, though. I think Viktor was absolutely correct when he suggested that I should be practicing just 15 minutes or so a day. It has really helped my progress immensely. I feel much more confident in this piece than I could possibly imagine feeling had I not put in a little practice each day. It really seems like I managed to progress a little more each day than the day before. It really is a good thing and I am very excited about it.

I’m not sure what exactly prompted it but after practicing piano I got this song stuck in my head. It’s kind of a long story. You see, I moved to Arkansas in 1998 and, while I was there, developed this really deep love and passion for the music of the 80s. There was this radio station in our area that did what they called “Nostalgia Weekends,” where they played nothing but 80s music for the entire weekend. Those were always my favorite times to be in the car in Arkansas because they played all this really great music from the 80s, much of which I hadn’t been familiar with before that. One artist that I discovered from those “Nostalgia Weekends,” was Debbie Gibson, and I absolutely fell in love with her. I managed to hunt down most of her albums at that time and really loved each one. Then one day we were in Wal-Mart, which was kind of the place to go there because we were like two towns away from Wal-Mart headquarters. Wal-Mart was a big deal there. Anyway, one day we were at Wal-Mart and I stumbled upon this album by “Deborah” Gibson, just called “Deborah,” that I had never heard of before that point, so obviously I had to have it. I took that album home and fell in love with it. I forced my Mom and my sister to listen to it constantly, as well, and they got pretty into it, too. There was this one song that became a favorite for us all, called “Where I Wanna Be,” that I got stuck in my head. The chorus of this song said, “I tried walking around, around these streets by myself, They said ‘pretty girl, don’t look down,’ but I could look no place else, the smiles, the bed, the telephone, and still I can’t make him see, and I can’t call this life my own because I’m not where I wanna be.” Despite the cheesiness of those lyrics, I think the reason that we all connected to this song so much was because, each in our own ways, that was how we all felt in Arkansas. None of us were where we wanted to be, both physically and in life. That was 11-12 years ago at this point and it is amazing how much your life can change in that time. I really think my Mom, my sister and I are all completely different people than we were at that time. For me, personally, that feeling of not being able to call my life my own because I’m not where I wanna be is long since forgotten. I spent a very long time feeling that way, honestly. I’ve only lost that feeling in the past couple of years. How did I do it? I stopped relying on outside sources to determine where I am at in life. I realized that there is nothing outside of myself that can determine where I am at in any way. As long as I am doing everything I can to grow and expand and become better than I have been in the past inside of myself, it doesn’t matter what my station in life is or what my geographical location is. I don’t have to move to LA to become a star – I am already a star inside myself. The outside will manage to catch up no matter where I wind up. I will make it happen because I already have it on the inside. This is one of the most important lessons that I have ever had the fortune of learning in life and I could not be more grateful for that. Getting that song randomly stuck in my head, though, made me really want to hear it. So, I found that album online to download. I didn’t stop there, though. I started getting all kinds of Debbie Gibson songs stuck in my head and wound up downloading her entire discography, including an album that I hadn’t been aware of called “Colored Lights: The Broadway Album,” which is her covering a collection of songs from a variety of Broadway shows, including “On My Own” from “Les Miserables,” “Maybe This Time” from “Cabaret,” “Let Me Entertain You” from “Gypsy,” as well as two songs from “Funny Girl” and a bunch of others. I am in love with this album right now. That woman has a much greater voice than anybody has given her credit for. Still, I keep going back to the song, “Where I Wanna Be” from the “Deborah” album. Listening to that song now makes me just feel completely grateful and proud of myself, my Mom and my sister for getting out of that place we were in all those years ago. This is just further evidence that the Universe is working in my favor and has been much longer than I have been aware of.

So, this didn’t wind up as short as I initially planned but it has honestly been pretty therapeutic for me tonight and has reminded me to be grateful for where I am instead of focusing on my days dragging or anything like that. Life is a beautiful thing for me and, I really do believe, for everybody else out there – all you have to do is make the conscious decision to see it that way. For now, though, it is 12:24am and I really need to get to bed. I have to get up and work out tomorrow morning. Plus, I came up with this really cute, simple black and gold makeup look that I want to try tomorrow but I can’t think of an outfit to go with it, so wardrobe choices may take more time than usual tomorrow. Either way, I need to be rested, which means I need to get to bed immediately. Goodnight!