Chapter 147: Like It Or Not

Let me just begin by saying that I am going to make this a short blog tonight. I am doing this for a few different reasons, the main one being that I am really tired and don’t really have a ton to say. Another reason, though, is because I have managed to put off even beginning this blog until 11:37pm. Why have I done that? I really don’t have an answer for that, except that I am really tired and don’t really have a ton to say, as I mentioned previously. I feel like I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. I figured I would use this time, though, to discuss a few things that really bother me in life. As you must know from reading this blog so far, I try really hard to be a very positive person and avoid putting lot of negative energy out into the Universe but every now and then you just kind of need to vent. After all, the best way to let go of the negative energy you have is to express it. Once it has been expressed, it is considerably easier to let go of. I honestly believe that if more people found some sort of creative outlet for their frustrations in life they would have a much easier go of performing the simple act of living and would find that they have much less conflict in their lives. I can only speak from my own personal experience but I have found that writing lyrics, or blogs like this, or even drawing have all been immensely helpful in allowing me to let go of some of the less-than-positive emotions I have felt in my life. It is really a more powerful thing than I could even begin to express in words. However, sometimes there are things that you see throughout the day that just kind of get on your nerves and sometimes you just need to mention them.

First of all, one thing that really bothers me in life is watching people treat one another badly without any genuine cause beyond their own egos. I have been watching Anderson Cooper 360 more than usual this week because I have been recording his special investigation on the Church of Scientology and it’s history of violence, (which is riveting, by the way,) but he has also had a recurring discussion all this week about bullying in schools. There have been shocking numbers of teen suicides in recent years brought on by being bullied in school. These are kids as young as 11 years old being constantly tormented in school to the point that they no longer feel like life is worth living. I can’t even imagine feeling so tormented at only 11 years old that I would want to end my own life. I wasn’t bullied in school at all, not to say I wasn’t made fun of or anything but I was always fairly popular. I can’t say I understand what the experience is life for these kids but I certainly know that this type of thing needs to be stopped immediately. It’s not just bullying, though, and it’s not just school kids, either. Just today, in fact, I watched two different incidents of people treating each other badly without any real cause. One of my co-workers today asked a guy from another department a very simple, non-invasive question that I can’t even remember at this point and I watched him flip out and try to sit there and berate her for it. She didn’t take it, of course, and snapped back at him hard enough to get him to crawl into his cubicle in silence. Both parties were left looking pretty angry and seemed to be shaken by the whole experience, at least for a little while. There was no need for any of that. The guy could have simply told my co-worker that he didn’t want to talk about it and been done with the whole situation but for one reason or another this question she asked struck a nerve with him and he decided to pop off and make an ass out of himself and put a damper on somebody else’s day. It all just seemed so unnecessary. As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, we got some new neighbors at work, as well, and today was their first full day sitting by us. There is one girl in this group who is very pretty and has some very interesting looking artwork hanging in her cubicle. She is very thin, young and pretty. A couple of my co-workers saw her and immediately began saying all kinds of terrible things about her to each other and stuff. This girl didn’t seem to notice, although I think she may have noticed and chosen to ignore it. I just couldn’t help but feel like this was some sort of ego-driven thing. The people that were talking about this girl are very pretty girls themselves and it almost seemed like they wanted to be the only pretty girls around. That kind of attitude pisses me off. This actually plays into the bullying in school that I was talking about earlier. It is pretty startling the way that the act of bullying has changed over the years. As I watched Anderson Cooper, I was kind of discussing the topic with my Mom and how teenagers now are different from the ones back when she was a teenager. One of the ideas that we talked about was the fact that back in those days the majority of bullying was pretty outright and your typical bullies were boys. It is very different now – bullying in the new millennium is much more common amongst females. One of my all-time favorite films, “Mean Girls,” really captures this in a very powerful way. I know that you’re thinking, “Mean Girls did nothing powerful,” but you are absolutely incorrect. I have always said that every decade has a film that really becomes a cultural phenomenon and changes the face of teen culture in that period, like the John Hughes films or “Fast Times At Ridgemont High,” in the 80s or “Clueless” in the 90s, and “Mean Girls” was that film for the new millennium. It really captured the way that teenage girls treat each other in day-to-day life, how everything has to be a hierarchy and every girl is trying to be the “Queen Bee.” The thing I have realized, though, is that this type of behavior doesn’t stop with teenage girls. Full-grown, adult women do exactly the same things. It is terrible. I have often said that the reason we feel like so much of our adult lives are “just like high school” is because I believe that when the education system was developed it was separated the way that it is for that very reason – high school is the period where people are developing into the people they will be for the rest of their lives and, as such, the rest of your life will reflect the way that things were when you were in high school. Of course it will not be entirely true of every person but I believe we will always have that feeling that things are “just like high school” because life itself is just like high school, but with much higher stakes.

Another thing that bothers me are people who can’t be comfortable with who they are. There is this guy at my work who always seems to be working extremely hard to look and act like something he is not. He has shown me glimpses of who he really is but for the most part he seems to be putting a LOT of effort into trying to be the complete opposite of what he really is. This guy always seems to be extremely moody and is always having some sort of conflicts with other people, many of which are very clearly because somebody has tried to call him out on his façade. It’s just sad to me because I have dealt with this guy quite a bit and I know that he is capable of being a really cool, likeable person but because he can’t come to terms with himself and has all these crazy mood swings and rapid personality changes people find him strange and are creeped out by him. This bothers me in a sad way more than in an angry way, although it can certainly be irritating at times. It makes me feel really bad for the guy because he always seems so unhappy with his life but for some reason he just can’t come to terms with his true self. I know that as soon as he does he will be immensely happier and it makes me sad that he shows very little sign of making a change for himself. I hate that. I hate seeing people who are not willing, or not able, to make the changes that they so clearly NEED to survive. It is just an extremely sad. I hope he finds what he needs to come to terms with himself soon – it will be the best thing that has ever happened to him. I know this from personal experience. I mean, I’m gay and everybody knows it, but that isn’t something that I have ever really struggled with. I was very fortunate throughout the whole process of coming out and such. I was blessed with the best possible support system and had plenty of time beforehand to figure things out for myself before having to face anybody else’s reactions to it. This, of course, does not mean that I haven’t struggled with my identity over the years. Sexuality aside, I have gone through many different incarnations and it took me a really long time to figure out how to just be comfortable and happy with myself for the person that I am. Now that I can honestly say that I am comfortable and happy with myself, though, I can also honestly say that it is the best thing that could possibly have happened to me. I truly wish that sort of happiness for every single person in this world – it is something that every single person is capable of and, even more, something that every single person deserves. It makes an immense difference in your life and relieves such a massive amount of the weight we all carry on our shoulders every day. Like I said, I truly wish that feeling for every single person in this world.

Aside from those things, though, it was a pretty good day. It is now 12:34am and I am exhausted. I didn’t workout this morning, which sucks. What sucks even more, though, is the fact that not working out for the past two days has been my own decision – I was the one to say it and everything. I’m not sure if we are going to workout tomorrow or not. Since the week is already pretty much shot, my Mom and I said that we would just make a snap decision in the morning. One thing I know I am going to do in the morning, once my direct deposit has been completed, is go online and order a few things from NYX Cosmetics. The main thing I am picking up is my newest obsession – the NYX S104 “Every Color Imaginable” eyeshadow palette. I have been obsessively watching tutorials and reviews about it on YouTube and have completely fallen in love with the thing. I have spent the past week or so dreaming up all kinds of really cool things to do with it. I am also planning to order a couple of the NYX Jumbo Eye pencils and maybe one of their concealer pots in orange, which is supposed to be the best color to use to cover dark circles under the eyes. I have a really bad problem with dark circles and have been trying to figure out a few different ways to try to alleviate them. I think this one is worth a shot, as well. Anyway, it is 12:38am now and I REALLY need to get some sleep. I really feel like I haven’t been getting anywhere near enough sleep lately and I am exhausted right now, so hopefully I won’t have any trouble falling asleep tonight. Until tomorrow… goodnight.