Chapter 152: Across The Universe

What is there to say about today? Well, it wasn’t that interesting overall and I’m kind of lost on what to write about in this blog. I guess I should just start from the beginning. I woke up this morning at 7:30am when my alarm went off and hopped out of bed. I was in a really good mood when I woke up this morning. I’m not sure why exactly but I was. I got out of bed and washed my face, brushed my teeth and all the usual morning stuff. While sitting in front of the computer smoking and drinking coffee, I checked Cherry Culture to see if my order tracking information had updated at all since yesterday. It hadn’t. I can’t imagine that it has been left sitting in City Of Industry, CA for the past few days and am assuming that the departure scan didn’t get updated into the computer for some reason. It seems like I recall this being pretty commonplace with FedEx orders for one reason or another – like the order tracking online doesn’t get updated for a few days. Normally, though, it tells you beforehand that this will happen. I don’t know. I just hope it gets here by Thursday, like it’s estimated to. I am really anxious to get this stuff – it will give me something to have fun and experiment with over the weekend. It’ll be here soon enough, I’m sure. I need to stop obsessing over it and just let it arrive when it arrives. I am already thinking of trying to figure out some sort of photoset to do over the weekend while experimenting with my new makeup. I’m excited is basically what this all boils down to. I can’t wait!

As I mentioned last night, my Mom and I decided to give a try to the “Zumba” workout this morning. As suspected, it was a lot of fun. It was our first time, so it was a little difficult to keep up with, but it was really a good workout. It is a considerably shorter program than what we normally do, but it is much more fast-paced and we worked up a sweat much quicker than usual. It was a really fun program, though, because it was basically all dancing but was still a very effective all-over workout. That is one thing I have always loved about dance, in general, is what a great workout it can be. It’s funny because back when I was 16-18 I was constantly dancing. I was always dancing at home and, once I turned 18, we were in clubs dancing pretty often. Dance was a very big part of my life during that period. I actually used to try to choreograph my own routines and wanted to pursue a secondary career in choreography, (aside from my always main career of music.) I’m not sure when that stopped exactly but I do think it’s kind of a shame. I used to love it so much and my best friend, Don, and I would have so much fun dancing together. It was always one of our favorite pastimes. Don was always a much better dancer than I was. Not to quote Sister Sledge or anything but, “He’s the greatest dancer that I’ve ever seen before.” It’s silly to put it that way but it’s totally true. Don is an amazing dancer. I definitely think it is something he needs to use to his advantage as much as he can. Knowing Don, though, he will.

Don, much like me, is in pursuit of a career in music but he wants to do something very different than I do. Don has always wanted to do pure, unadulterated pop/hip-hop music, whereas I am much more interested in doing more folksy/singer-songwriter style music with a pop flare. I have questioned that a lot lately, though, honestly. I do want whatever I do to have a pure, emotional, honest, strong core of great songwriting but I have been questioning the concept of creating folk music for myself. My concept for years has been to do folk music but really poppy folk music, kind of like Mandy Moore’s album, “Wild Hope,” but more pop than that. I have just developed such a passion for more dance-oriented type music, like that of Goldfrapp or the one and only Lady Gaga, that I can’t help but think about creating that type of sound for myself. Those are both artists who very clearly have a tendency to write an amazing song and then build this insane sonic world around it. I have always loved that idea. It kind of reminds me of what Jewel did with her album “0304.” You could tell that all of those songs were written acoustically and then morphed into the dance/pop tracks that they became. This was really evident when I saw her in concert back in November and she performed a few of these songs with nothing but a guitar. It was pretty amazing. Jewel has always been a huge inspiration to me. You know who else she seems to have been a big inspiration to? Crystal Bowersox.

Let me take a moment to discuss “American Idol” here. I have watched every season of “American Idol” since it began and it just seems like this season has the least talented top 10 I have ever seen on the show. It’s not that they have a group of wholly untalented people but they have a group of people who are no more talented than any other person you could find. I feel like I could beat pretty much all of the contestants on this season, which is a large part of the reason why I am thinking long and hard about actually going to audition this summer. We’ll see about that, though. Anyway, tonight’s episode had the contestants performing songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook and most of the contestants did shockingly well compared to what they’ve done in previous weeks. There is one standout in this group, though, and that is Crystal Bowersox. She is a full-blown hippie. She reminds me a lot of early Jewel, and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that she had lived in a van at some point in her life just like Jewel did. It just seems kind of fucked up for them to have this girl competing against the rest of the contestants because she is clearly leaps and bounds above the rest. It’s almost like Adam Lambert last season, except Adam at least had some really good people he was up against. There are some really good people this season, as well, but they all seem really amateur in comparison to this one girl. It’s kind of weird. One of the other contestants, Siobhan Magnus, sang an insanely beautiful version of the Beatles’ song, “Across The Universe,” tonight that really blew my mind. It also really got me thinking a lot about that song and it’s meaning.

“Across The Universe” was featured on The Beatles’ final studio album, “Let It Be,” which was released in 1970. I have never been a huge Beatles fan, honestly, although I do recognize them as some of the greatest songwriters in history. I just don’t really like the sound of their music. I almost always love when their songs are covered, though, as with “Across The Universe.” I heard “Across The Universe” for the very first time in 1998 when it was covered by one of my favorite artists of all-time, Fiona Apple, for the soundtrack to the film, “Pleasantville.” At the time I thought it was a really pretty song but didn’t make any real connection to the lyrics. That didn’t happen until quite a few years later, when I heard the version performed by another favorite artist of mine, Rufus Wainwright, for his brilliant album, “Poses.” I first heard Rufus’ version of the song in 2006 or 2007 and absolutely fell in love with it. Having pretty well forgotten about the Fiona Apple version by this time, I was really kind of overcome with emotion when I first heard Rufus sing it. It really hit me this time. This was around the time that I was dealing with some pretty severe body image issues, which had led me into an eating disorder. When I listened to the lyrics to this song, particularly the chorus of, “Nothing’s gonna change my world,” I took it as kind of an acceptance of the fate that you have been handed and looking at your world exactly as it is and realizing that nothing is ever going to change. After hearing the song again on “American Idol” tonight, I felt pretty foolish for taking it that way. Looking at it from where I stand in life now, I realize that this isn’t what the song means to me at all. “Nothing’s gonna change my world” is not an acceptance of the things we are faced with in life at all, it is about knowing who you are and the parts of life that you love and embrace and wouldn’t give up for the world, and knowing that no matter what you may face in life nothing can ever change those things for you. It is a song about creating the world that you want to live in and not allowing anything outside of yourself to allow you to falter in creating it. It is amazing how much my life and my mind have changed in that time. I feel like people don’t realize that about me. I am told a lot that I am such a positive person and people envy that about me but it has been a very long and winding road to get to this place. Ha, there went another Beatles reference. It is moments like this, though, that I can really sit back and feel a very deep sense of pride in what I have managed to make of myself. It may not seem like much to look at from the outside but if you could only see the difference between who I am now and who I was just a few years ago, you would understand.

Anyway, tomorrow evening I have another piano lesson. I have been practicing a bit with Metronome Online for the new piece Viktor asked me to work on last night but I am struggling. Now that he has pointed out this issue with my timing I am kind of consumed with trying to fix it. Viktor has also told me multiple times not to stress myself out or expect too much from myself at this point because it is all still really new to me. That is really a struggle for me right now, though, because I want so badly for this to work out. I want so badly to be good at this. It isn’t just something I want, though, I NEED for this to work out. I NEED to be good at this. If I am going to make a career in music in any way, shape or form, I need to know how to play an instrument. It is essential to me being able to do what I want to do. I understand that plenty of people don’t play an instrument and still sing and write songs and such but I also know that this is not the path that I want to take. I want to be able to create the music for myself. I want to be the creator of every aspect of the songs I write. I want to not need anybody else’s input or assistance in achieving the sound that I want. I want to be able to do this for myself, independently. It is extremely important to me to be able to play the piano. The piano, after all, is only the start. Once I am more comfortable with the piano, I fully intend to take guitar and voice lessons, as well. Those three things, I think, will be enough for me to be able to create exactly what I want for myself. I just really need to be good at this. I am pretty sure that I will be. I just need to calm down and give it time. I still haven’t had my “a-ha” moment at the piano but I know that it is coming. The Universe is working in my favor and it is holding out for exactly the right moment for it all to click in my head. It WILL happen. I don’t doubt it – I know what is meant for my life and I know that it will all come together in good time. There went another Beatles song title. I need to go to bed. Goodnight.