Chapter 226: Symphonies

Dan Black’s first single here in the US, called “Symphonies,” is kind of capturing my life at this moment. The song is gorgeous and really unique sounding. He sampled the drum loop from Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” which automatically gives the song a sense of familiarity but the gorgeous strings layered over these great, ethereal backing vocals and his kind of sing-song vocals never let you forget that it is something new and different from anything you’ve heard before. I am obsessed with this song right now. The chorus of the song, in particular, blows my mind. It simply states, “Give me, give me symphonies, Give me more than the life I see, Score adds up, Angels play, Let my loneliness get blown away, Give me, give me symphonies, Give me more than the life I see.” Yes, I can definitely relate to that at this point in time. It is strange. I’ll go into that more later, though. First, I wanted to discuss Dan Black a little first. I mentioned him in last night’s video blog but never really got to discuss him because I cut myself off with a time restriction that wound up not being necessary. Anyway, I discovered Dan Black when I saw him perform on Logo’s New Now Next Awards. My initial reaction, when seeing him on the red carpet special before the show, was “Damn, he’s hot!” Then I saw his performance of “Symphonies” and was like, “Oh shit, I need to check this guy out.” His sound has been dubbed “wonky pop” by the British press, although I’m not entirely sure what that means exactly. Other artists who fall under the label of “wonky pop,” include some of my favorite artists of the past few years, like Alphabeat, Annie, Little Boots, Frankmusik, La Roux, Pixie Lott, Ke$ha, Sam Sparro and even two of my very favorites, Girls Aloud and, the one and only Lady Gaga. So, he is definitely in good company, although I don’t really think his style is all that similar to any of those artists. His music is very unique. He relies very heavily on the method I described above where he samples something familiar but then makes it sound completely different. It is all very experimental sounding and his debut album, “Un,” is completely brilliant. It took a few listens to really get it but now I really can’t get enough of it. I don’t believe his album has had a US release yet but I definitely recommend taking note of that name and watching out for it because he is absolutely brilliant.

Anyway, I woke up this morning at 10am. I went to bed at a pretty decent hour last night, either just before or just after 2am, so I was feeling pretty well rested when I woke this morning. I got up and made myself an unusual breakfast. On Tuesday I made myself the most delicious breakfast in the world, chicken and waffles, and had a real craving for that again. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any chicken available so I figured I’d try some other type of meat with waffles. So, this morning I had hot dogs and waffles for breakfast. It worked out okay, as well, although nowhere near as delicious as chicken. I decided to catch up on some TV that I missed this week. It was mainly a few missed episodes of “Chelsea Lately,” and since I was in the comedienne mood, I watched Kathy Griffin’s appearance on “The Joy Behar Show” and the season premiere episode of “My Life On The D-List,” which was hilarious. I am a really huge fan of Kathy Griffin and have rarely ever been disappointed in anything she has done. So, I considered that a pretty decent way to spend the morning. Still, I knew that there was a dark cloud looming over my day: I needed to clean the house. My Mom was scheduled to arrive back in Florida tonight. She was flying into Fort Myers but wouldn’t be arriving until 10:30pm. The plan was for her to stay there tonight and then come home tomorrow morning. So, I knew I had today to get the house cleaned up before she got back because I likely wouldn’t have too much time in the morning before she actually gets home. There wasn’t much cleaning to be done, honestly. It basically came down to taking out trash and washing dishes. I also had some laundry to be done but that doesn’t really fall under the blanket of the cleaning that I needed to get done before my Mom came home. I was in no mood for cleaning earlier in the day, though, so I chose to ignore it.

After I ran out of comedienne stuff, I decided to throw in my most recent Netflix arrival, “Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls.” One of the first things I have to mention about this film is the fact that it was written by the most famous film critic in the world, Roger Ebert. It was directed by Russ Meyer, who is known for making cheesy sexploitation films, full of large breasted women and lesbian trysts, etc. This film definitely falls into that same style but is so much more than that. It was initially planned as a straight-forward sequel to “The Valley Of The Dolls,” but there was some disputes, as well as a pretty big lawsuit, with the author of the original novel, Jacqueline Susann, that did not allow for that to happen. So, instead, they decided to make this film almost a parody of the original. I don’t know that I would say that I liked this one better than the original but I definitely liked it every bit as much. This one was a lot more fun. This one was also completely insane. Of course, there were plenty of drugs involved, (although there was really only one scene involving the “dolls” of the original film,) but this film really took it up a notch in terms of sex, debauchery and gay/lesbian storylines. Not to spoil it or anything but the film does end with a tranny on a murderous rampage. Yes, that’s right, a tranny on a murder spree. What I found particularly fascinating about that whole thing was the fact that it was a female to male tranny. Even now, when trannies are brought up, you kind of automatically think of male to female. It seems like the idea of a transgendered individual was taboo enough for the time but having it be a female to male tranny makes it so much more fascinating to me. I was reading up a bit about the film and found out that many things, including the big reveal that this character was transgendered, were randomly decided by Russ Meyer on set while filming. It just seems like such an insane and brilliant way to make a film, just making random decisions that change the tone of the entire film on the spur of the moment while filming. As much as I recommend seeing the original, I kind of more urgently recommend seeing this one. It is one of the biggest mind-trips of a movie that I have ever seen and it is completely ridiculous, hilarious and brilliant.

After I finished that movie, I took a shower and shaved. Then I tried out a new makeup look, inspired by Miley Cyrus’ video for “Can’t Be Tamed,” which came out really awesome looking. It was a big, dramatic, over the top look only using two different shades of green. I don’t really know how to explain that properly but I really loved the look of it. I probably wouldn’t wear it out to work or something like that but would save it for a night out… if I EVER have a night out again. It has been a very long time since I’ve done that. When Rachel was over the other day we were talking about the fact that she and I need to plan a trip to Ybor City, the big party/club area in Tampa, and just have a crazy night of dancing and fun and scoping out boys. We also both decided that we need to find boyfriends although that is a very different story. Having a fun, crazy night in Ybor is a higher priority for me than that. It seriously has just been far too long since I have gone out to a gay bar and danced. I could really use that, I think. I then wasted a good hour of my life watching “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” I never watch that show because I don’t find the Kardashians particularly interesting, although, I will admit that the son, Rob, is extremely attractive. In fact, Rob being extremely attractive is the only reason I wound up stuck to it for so long this evening. In this episode they all went to Vegas for Kim’s birthday and Rob and that dude who Kourtney is engaged or married to were drunk and half-naked pretty much the entire time, so I just couldn’t look away. I do think it is funny, though, that Kourtney is the least pretty one and she has the least pretty boyfriend/husband/whatever. Don’t get me wrong, Kourtney Kardashian is very pretty but she just has nothing special about her like her sisters, even if Khloe’s only real standout feature is the fact that she is “fat-pretty.” Her “fat-pretty” is prettier than Kourtney’s boring pretty. I don’t know why I am wasting even more time out of my life discussing this show. Finally, after 8pm, I figured I should start cleaning. My Mom asked me twice in times that I have talked to her if the house would be clean when she got home, so I knew that skipping out on cleaning was not an option. Like I said, it was a very small amount of cleaning to be done but for some reason I was just really dreading it. I put in my laundry and gathered up the trash to take out. Then I sat and watched this documentary, “Fabulous: A History Of Queer Cinema,” for an hour and a half. It was produced by IFC and was pretty interesting. I picked up a lot of interesting film suggestions from this movie, too. More than anything, it made me really want to rewatch all those old John Waters movies, which I haven’t seen in a really long time. So, there might be some additions to my Netflix Queue really soon. Speaking of additions to my Netflix Queue, the next thing that will be arriving, after I send back “Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls,” is “Starrbooty,” starring RuPaul as an undercover FBI agent/supermodel posing as a hooker. It sounds really over the top and I can’t wait to see it. I love pretty much anything with RuPaul involved, after all.

So, I finally heard from my Mom around 11pm when she called to tell me that she had made it to Florida okay. She also told me some really amazing news. Apparently this week, while her car was waiting at my brother’s house, he did some stuff to it. First of all, he did a really deep clean on the interior using some of his equipment from work, (he works for Chem Dry, cleaning carpets,) and got the oil changed for her. Best of all, though, he somehow managed to go out and get the air conditioning fixed. As I have mentioned a time or two in the past on this blog, a major stressor for my Mom has been the fact that summer is pretty well here and the air conditioning in her car hasn’t been working. Because she drives a hybrid, it is kind of hard to find people who can work on it and in our current financial state it is even harder to find the money to pay for it. Having that taken care of really means a lot to her and, as much as I haven’t said it aloud or anything, really means a lot to me. It is fucking hot out and when we got out for drives like we often do on the weekend and such, it gets extremely hot and sweaty. It will be so much better with the air conditioning working now, which is a very good thing because I already told my Mom that we need to go on a long drive once she gets back in order to listen to the new Scissor Sisters record. I have managed to hold off on listening to it up to this point but I am getting really anxious to hear it now. I really can’t wait and it is one of the first things on my personal agenda for tomorrow once she gets home. Speaking of my Mom, she text messaged me earlier this week with some really MAJOR news. I know I mentioned the week before last that she had an interview for a job with Sarasota County, which would pay considerably more than she makes, (and more than I make,) and would have much better benefits and such. It would also just be in a much more positive environment for her than where she is working currently, the place that shall not be named for security purposes. She said that her interview went well and that she was excited about the whole prospect. I don’t know why exactly but I just had a really great feeling about this job even before she had her interview. After she told me how well the interview went, I felt even better about it. On that interview it was explained to her that they had about 12 candidates they were interviewing, which they would narrow down to four, then they would bring each of those four in to meet the crew they have working there currently and would put it to a vote amongst them, which is a really interesting and awesome way to go about the hiring process. We both agreed that this hiring process also seemed like a really good sign for the job itself – there is clearly a really positive relationship between staff and management, and they are only hiring right now because one person is retiring, so clearly people have a tendency to stick around there. The good thing about this hiring process, as well, is the fact that my Mom is an extremely likeable person. People have a tendency to automatically like her, even more than people are like that with my sister and I, so I think meeting with the crew there will make a really big difference for her. She got the call this past week scheduling that meeting for this Tuesday morning. I really think she is going to get this job. If she does – holy crap, it will make a HUGE difference in our lives right now. That extra income would take away a LOT of the financial strain that we have been under. It would just make life so much easier for both of us. Plus, she would likely have much better hours than she does currently and I really think she would feel a lot better about her station in life if she had a position like this with the county. We’ll see how it goes. I really think she is going to get it. After all, the Universe is working in my favor and since our lives are so affected by one another’s the Universe is also working in her favor. Therefore, it just has to happen. This will be a big step towards me getting my “Symphonies.”

Anyway, it is after 3am now and I should really get to bed. I finished all of my cleaning this evening except for a pot and a baking sheet that can’t go into the dishwasher, so I am hoping to wake up early enough that I can get those done before she gets home. I am really excited to see my Mom, honestly. I have missed her a lot this week. It’s not normal that we go this long without seeing each other and I am glad that it isn’t any longer. I figure if I go to bed now, it will kill a little time before she gets back. I am looking forward to a fun day tomorrow, although we don’t have anything at all planned, aside from listening to the new Scissor Sisters album. That is enough to be really excited, though. So, it is time for bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 225: Can't Be Tamed

Chapter 224: Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Okay, so today wasn’t a very interesting day. In fact, today was a lot like yesterday, where the beginning and end were the interesting parts. Due to the fact that it is 11:43pm right now, I am not going to go into too much detail about today and am going to try to keep tonight’s blog brief. I woke up late this morning, at 6:30am, which left me with only about an hour to eat breakfast, make myself lunch, get myself dressed and ready for the day and try to squeeze in a couple of cigarettes in that time. Basically, I was in a rush as soon as I woke up. I feel like I handled it pretty well, though. I got myself up out of bed right away and started the coffee pot and made myself breakfast before anything else. While the coffee was brewing and my oatmeal was heating, I went into the bathroom and did my morning skin care routine and brushed my teeth. Then, before drinking my coffee or eating my oatmeal, I prepared my lunch and put it into the fridge so it would be ready for when I was preparing to leave the house. Then, I sat down at the computer and ate my breakfast and drank my coffee while checking my morning routine stuff, (Facebook, Twitter, horoscope, Oh No They Didn’t, etc.) Then, right around 7:10am, I headed into the bathroom to get dressed and do my hair and makeup for the day. I basically did the exact same makeup look I did yesterday, my “Valley Of The Dolls” look, but with different colors. Yesterday I used Brule and Espresso from MAC, (nude and brown,) and today I used this really cute Pink & Chocolate duo I got from Clinique. I also discovered yesterday how wonderfully Brule works as a highlight, so I used it for that today. The thing with Brule is that it is a flesh tone/nude color but it is a few shades lighter than my skin, so it really gives the illusion of light hitting my natural skin when I use it in my highlight spots. It is gorgeous. I am in love with that color. I also really love my Espresso from MAC and use it quite frequently, most often to darken/emphasize my eyebrows. Those two were both great choices to begin my MAC collection. The third color I have from MAC, Passionate, is not quite the same. It isn’t a terrible shadow or anything but I always feel like I have to use a LOT of it in order to get it to show up at all. That one is a little frustrating but I really couldn’t be happier with the other two – like I said, I use them both almost every day.

I got done in the bathroom around 7:40am and was really rushing around to get my lunch packed up, my spill-proof cup filled and my second cup of coffee drank. I managed to be done with all of that by 7:50am, so I sat down and smoked a cigarette while I waited to hear from my sister. I was sitting there for 10 minutes before she called to say she’d be here any minute. She and her girlfriend were both scheduled to work at 8am, so I was beginning to wonder in those 10 minutes if they had forgotten me. Then, I began to think about what that would mean. Could I call in sick? I couldn’t afford to call in sick unless I was able to use some vacation time for the day or something like that. Still, the idea of not going to work today was incredibly enticing. No matter how cute I felt like I looked this morning, which was a LOT, I could have just as easily removed all the makeup and gone back to bed. I was honestly a little disappointed when I did hear from her. Still, it was for the best. After all, I do believe I am almost to perfect attendance for this month. I have been making a conscious effort not to acknowledge that up to this point because I figured if I focused too much on it I would wind up screwing it up somehow. At this point, though, there is only one week and a few days left of this month and I am feeling pretty confident that I will be able to manage it this time. That would be nice. We’ll see but I am pretty confident that I am going to manage to make it this month.

Work was boring. I wrote two new songs today, both of which I was pretty happy with. I mainly just spent the day dicking around with my co-workers and the people on the other account that sit by us. It was pretty boring. I talked to my Mom a little, via text message, and she seems to be in pretty good spirits. I am very glad for that. I really can’t wait for her to get back, though. It’s selfish of me, I know, and I haven’t said that to her or anything. It is just so easy to get bored and frustrated being here all by myself. Tonight wasn’t so bad, though, because I had a little help from my friends… well, one friend. Rachel came over to hang out tonight. I prepared a dinner of baked chicken, brussel sprouts and angel hair pasta. It was really tasty. We spent a little while just catching up and discussing random goings on of our lives, until around 9pm when we decided to make an impromptu trip to Target. Rachel had seen this pair of shoes there that she really wanted but didn’t have the cash for but she did have the cash tonight so we decided to go get them. I also wanted to check out mineral foundations, as I have been discussing here recently, so after we found her shoes we decided to head over to the cosmetics section. I don’t know why exactly but I led us through some strange random aisles that I thought would get us to the cosmetics section. It did lead us to cosmetics eventually but, like some sort of silly kismet, it first led us through the furniture area. It was there that I spotted the office chairs. There was one, a very small, cheap looking one, for only $19.99. I have needed an office chair for quite some time now, as I have been using a chair from the living room for a very long time now. So, I snatched that up. It was more money than I had intended to spend but I felt like it was worth it to finally return the armchair I was using to its rightful spot in the living room. Once we made it to the cosmetics section I decided against mineral powder foundation because Rachel was explaining to me that there is a special trick to using them that sounded more complicated than I wanted to deal with. Instead, I spent half as much on a tinted sunscreen, which is another recommendation I have heard for a good foundation to use in a humid climate like Florida has. I tried a little bit of it once we got home and I really liked the way it went on. It’s a much lighter coverage than the Dream Matte Mousse foundation I have been using, which I think is actually a good thing. It seemed to go on more natural looking than the Dream Matte Mousse does, which is a nice change. I am going to give this a try on my entire face and out in the elements tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it is Friday. I still have to go to work, which sucks, but I am excited to get it over with and be on to the weekend and another day closer to my Mom getting home. In hopes of avoiding the same problem that I had this morning, though, I should probably get to bed. Rachel and I spent a little longer than expected at Target and didn’t get home until after 10pm, then we spent quite a while building the chair, (or, more accurately, me watching her build the chair,) so, it took a while for me to get started on this blog. Fortunately, I should be able to save myself a little time tomorrow morning because I already have breakfast prepared. I am just going to eat the leftovers from tonight’s dinner in the morning. It’s not too much and it’s not too little, so it should work out perfectly. The best part, though, is that it is more than I usually eat in the morning and should be good to hold me over until my lunch break than what I usually eat. In spite of that very minor amount of time saved, I am still really keeping my fingers crossed that I just wake up on time tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes. For now, though, I bid you all goodnight.

Chapter 223: Stratford-On-Guy

Today was a funny kind of day for me. The beginning and end were the interesting parts and the middle, the main portion of the day, was nothing worth mentioning really. In middle school English we learned the basic structure of a story – the introduction, the body, the climax and the ending. If I were to retell this day in story form it would surely be an unsuccessful feat of storytelling. This is the thing with life, though – it isn’t always going to be a proper story. Today certainly wouldn’t make a proper story. I am beginning to wonder, though, how the story of this year is coming along in those terms. The whole concept of this blog was to tell the story of a year in my life and, thus far, I don’t think it is turning out to be a very interesting story. I could be wrong but I definitely feel like this story is lacking any real plot. Of course, writing it as a daily blog doesn’t really allow for me to have a great perspective on it as a whole. I knew that going in and have always assumed that I wouldn’t figure out what the story was really about until it has ended and I have read over it all again. The story in it will become clear then and, most likely, only then. I don’t know why I am thinking about this so much, considering the fact that the ACTUAL point of this blog isn’t to write a proper story. The point of this blog is to capture a year in my life and then write a collection of songs that really captures that year. I am also questioning how much songwriting can really come out of this particular year. I just feel like, in a lot of ways, there isn’t much of anything happening in this story. That is never a good sign. I mean, I’m sure I’ll figure it out but in the meantime I can’t help but question whether or not it could possibly amount to anything.

As far as the story of today, it actually needs to come with a preface. Last night I got into bed around 12:30am. I put on the Scissor Sister’s self-titled debut album and played around with my phone for a bit before genuinely trying to go to sleep. Unfortunately, when I did genuinely try to go to sleep it simply wasn’t coming easily. The first Scissor Sisters record ended, so I decided to put on their second album, “Ta Dah!,” which also wound up playing all the way through. I was having a strange issue last night, actually, where my breathing felt strange. It was almost painful. This happens to me every so often when I have been smoking too much or something along those lines. Still, last night it was different. Because my breathing was feeling so strange and painful I found myself purposely breathing harder than I usually would. It is a strange thing that I have where when something is painful or a strange sensation to me, I will purposely do things to keep it going. I don’t know why I do that, honestly. It must just be some sort of malfunction in my head or rooted in some childhood issue. Anyway, since I was breathing so much harder than usual and my throat was already feeling strange, this breathing issue started causing me some extreme coughing fits. It wasn’t a good feeling and it kept me up for quite some time. Eventually, I put on a Jo Koy comedy special on Netflix and fell asleep listening to that. It had to have been after 2am. Before moving forward, though, I did want to mention one thing – listening to both of the old Scissor Sisters records in bed was pretty great. I had listened to individual tracks from each album recently, and pretty regularly, but it had been a really long time since I had listened to the entire albums as a whole. It only served to remind me how brilliant Scissor Sisters are. I also wanted to mention the merits of listening to music that you already know by heart. It was a really nice feeling hearing some of these songs for the first time in a long time and letting every moment of it sink in and provide me with those old, familiar feelings of joy when I first heard these songs. Another album that gives me that same feeling, which I am listening to as I type this up, is Liz Phair’s “Exile In Guyville.” I can still remember the very first time I heard this record as a whole. I was completely mesmerized by it all. I was obsessed with this record and listened to it start to finish so many times I couldn’t even count. Much like the Scissor Sisters records, I had listened to individual tracks from the album but hadn’t sat down and listened to it as a whole in a really long time. Also like the Scissor Sisters records, it is really deeply seeded in my brain and listening to it now it all comes right back to me as if I were listening to it obsessively just yesterday. I feel like a really great record will always be like that – no matter how long it has been since you last listened to it, it will all come right back to you. It will always feel familiar, genuine, comforting and will always take you to another place filled with memories of that music.

Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep last night. I woke up when my alarm went off this morning at 6am and did my best to spring myself out of bed immediately and get my day started. I had more to do this morning than I ever do on a normal day. I had to pack myself a lunch, make my own coffee and all kinds of things that my Mom normally takes care of on any normal day, plus I had to be ready about 30 minutes normally than I would usually. So, when I woke up I tried my best to get up and kick myself into gear. I did my normal morning skin care routine, as well as brushing my teeth and such, then made myself some coffee and waffles for breakfast. I sat at the computer and ate my breakfast while browsing around the Internet. Then I headed into the kitchen and prepared my lunch for the day. Lunch consisted of a turkey, cheese and tomato sandwich, some pita chips and a little dish of watermelon pieces. I figured all of the food groups were represented there, if only in a very small way, and that is all I really need to consider it a successful lunch. It was just a few minutes after 7am when I headed into the bathroom to get ready for the day. I had taken a shower last night, so I saved myself a step there, which was good because I didn’t have the extra time to take a shower. As I mentioned last night, I had decided to try out a look inspired by Barbara Parkins’ character, Anne Wells, in “Valley Of The Dolls.” I’ve got to say I think it worked out beautifully. I loved my look when I walked out of that bathroom this morning. I really feel like these 60s-style looks I have been trying, between the Barbra Streisand stuff and the Anne Wells look I did today, really work better for me than any other looks I have tried. I think I am going to stick with this type of look for a while. I just love the way these types of looks work on my face. I left the house this morning looking and feeling great.

As I mentioned before, the main portion of my day was really kind of empty and didn’t really contain much of anything worth discussing here. I didn’t write any new songs today. I think I am going to no longer make that a daily task for myself and instead just make the effort to do it when inspiration hits. After all, I don’t want it to be like a chore or anything. I text messaged back and forth with my Mom for a little while on my first two breaks, which was nice. Today was the day of the actual memorial service for my Uncle Bruce, so she was a little down. Still, she seemed to be in better spirits than she was when she was here. I really feel bad for her and can’t imagine what she is going through right now. I also really can’t wait until she gets home. Right now she is exactly where she needs to be but I will be really glad when she is back here.

After work, I went home with my sister and her girlfriend and had dinner with them. It was a lot of fun and we were basically sitting around watching TV and talking about random things. It’d been a while since I’d done that with them so it was really cool to be able to do that tonight. I also discussed my ideas for my birthday party with my sister, who actually told me that if I wanted to do a home party I could do it at their house instead of mine, since they have much more space than we do at my house. In spite of the fact that I was leaning more towards the karaoke party concept before, my sister has kind of talked me out of it by reminding me that people would have to pay to get in if I did that, which could wind up limiting the people that would attend. Aside from that, I really like the idea of doing a “Valley Of The Dolls” themed party. I think it would be a lot of fun to have a very civilized little 60s themed party, with music from the era and from the film, as well as fun decorations that include all kinds of trippy drug and sex references from the film. I think it would make more sense to do that for my birthday than to go out somewhere and kind of allow for people to separate and do their own things. I don’t want a birthday party where everyone is doing their own thing. It’s my birthday, after all, and I want the focus to be on me! I mean, not entirely, but kind of. I don’t know what I’m going to wind up doing yet but whatever it is I want to make it fun and special. We’ll see how it turns out. In the meantime, though, it is 12:30am and I definitely need to get more sleep tonight than I did last night. Goodnight.

Chapter 222: My Heart Beats For Love

Okay, so let me begin by saying that I understand that this blog has kind of sucked for the past four or five days. It just hasn’t been a good time for me. I’m sure anybody who follows can understand that. Death is a strange thing for me. I have had family members and such die in the past but it has almost always been people who I didn’t have a whole lot of connection to or those cases where you knew it was coming. My Uncle is not either of those. In spite of the fact that we have always lived a little ways apart and never spent the most time together, I always felt a really strong connection with my Uncle Bruce, as well as my Uncle Glenn and Aunt JoAnn. My feelings about my Mom’s siblings have always been very different from those for my father’s siblings. I have nothing but positive memories of all of them. My Uncle Glenn has always been the one I felt the closest to, and my Aunt JoAnn is a fierce diva, so of course I have always felt an immense amount of respect and admiration for her. My Uncle Bruce, though, was the funnyman. All my life, in spite of all the things my family may not have been, we have always been a very funny family. My brother, sister and I, as well as my Mom, have never had any trouble finding something to laugh at in life and the thing that stands out the most about my memories of my time with my immediate family is a lot of laughter. That also extends to my Mom’s siblings and my Grandma on her side, as well. Any time I think of our time with them over the years, I think of having a lot of fun and laughing a lot. My Dad’s side, however, are not especially funny people. My Dad is funny and his brother, Bill, is hilarious but I never thought of the rest of his side of the family as being very funny at all. I don’t have a ton of memories of laughing with them. Still, my Mom’s brother Bruce was always the funniest one. Where the rest of us are that every day type of funny, more quick-witted than genuinely funny, my Uncle Bruce always felt like a real comedian. Even recently, I could always tell when my Mom was on the phone with him or something because you would barely hear her talking but laughing the entire time. I always felt like I got my humor from my Uncle Bruce. I mean, I feel like in relation to my Mom’s siblings, my sister is probably the most like Bruce, my brother is more like my Uncle Glenn and I would be more like my Aunt JoAnn. Still, I have always felt a really strong connection to all three of them. It is just so strange and I still haven’t really adjusted to the fact that there are only two of them now. Still, I know that my Uncle Bruce was in a lot of pain that I wasn’t even entirely aware of in his last days and that is no longer the case. I’m not entirely sure what I believe happens after we die but I know that, whatever it is, it’s got to be better than this. If there is a heaven, I don’t doubt for a second that it is where my Uncle Bruce has wound up. He was a great man and it is a shame that he is gone from this world. I definitely feel like the world has gotten a little less funny without him in it.

So, as I mentioned in yesterday’s trainwreck of a video blog, I have been on what I have dubbed “the multimedia distraction train.” This is essentially my way of keeping myself distracted from dwelling on any of my concerns about anything in life right now by immersing myself in different forms of media – music, movies, TV, podcasts, etc. It has worked out relatively well, I think. It worked better yesterday than it did today. Of course, today was my day off so I had less day-to-day stuff, like work, to distract me. Still, I did a pretty good job of remaining cool, calm and collected today. I woke up at 11:30am and made myself some chicken and waffles for breakfast. I’m not sure why exactly but I developed this strange craving for waffles recently. It’s very unusual because I normally don’t care for carbs for breakfast – pancakes, toast, waffles, muffins, etc., - but for some reason I have been eating them all recently and really wanted some waffles. I mentioned this to my Mom before she headed out to California and she picked some up while grocery shopping. So, this morning I ate some leftover fried chicken with waffles. For anybody who wasn’t familiar with this combination before, it is AMAZING. They go really well together. I sat down with my chicken and waffles and attempted to complete editing last night’s video blog but it was kind of a mess. It still is kind of a mess but I improved it a little bit from what it was initially. Then I went into the living room and watched today’s episode of “The View,” which was a bit of a hot mess. It was good but the guest was Kathy Griffin, one of my favorite comediennes. It is always hilarious when she goes on “The View” because she is a troublemaker and likes to talk shit, which always causes a little bit of an issue for the co-hosts. Today was especially good because Elizabeth Hasselbeck decided to try to get confrontational with Kathy and shit got REALLY awkward. Elizabeth said something along the lines of, “Well, you’ve said thing about some of the people on this show that were untrue and just not very funny.” Kathy was like, “Oh, I live for moments like this, bring it on.” The other co-hosts tried to intervene and change the subject but Kathy was like, “Well, is there anything else that Elizabeth needs to say?” They cut off the segment so quickly it wasn’t even funny. I LOVE when shit like that happens on “The View.” It is the best part of the entire show.

I did a little text messaging back and forth with a few friends of mine today trying to set up a little dinner party for this weekend but it seems like everybody is unavailable this weekend. I am thinking of trying to set it up for next weekend now because I don’t want to let as much time go by before I see my friends again like I did last time. It was actually a couple of months between times that I saw Whitney or Nate. I don’t like that. After seeing all of my family for the wedding and deciding that I need to make a point to try to spend more time with them than I usually do, I kind of thought about it and decided that there’s no reason I shouldn’t do the same thing with my friends. Friends are like the family that you have chosen for yourself, (although I believe your family is, as well,) and you have to put in just as much effort to keep up with them in order to maintain happy and healthy relationships. So, that is what I am going to do from now. I am at least going to try my best. A dinner party seems like a good way to get started with that! Speaking of a dinner party, I have been thinking a lot about my birthday party. My birthday is just a month and a few days away. Since my birthday is on a Monday, I will be throwing the party the weekend before and I am trying to come up with ideas for what to do for it. There are two main ideas that I am tossing around for this – either a 60s-themed party at home, with jazz and cigars and a little bar set up in the house, like in the opening sequence of that movie “Blast From The Past.” My other concept was inspired by this book I have been reading, “Don’t Stop Believing: How Karaoke Conquered The World & Changed My Life.” In this book, the author discusses these things they have in many bigger cities, like New York, as well as all over Japan, called K-boxes. A k-box is basically a place where you can rent a private room with karaoke equipment set up in it that you operate yourself. It is basically a place where you run your own karaoke show. I was telling my sister how much I loved the idea of that and how much I would really like to go to a place like that when she told me that there is a place that does that right here in town. So, I was thinking of just renting one of those rooms and doing a karaoke party for my birthday. I haven’t done karaoke in a while and reading this book is really kind of making me feel the itch again. Plus, the room isn’t all that expensive - $10 per person. If I could get a couple of people to pitch in, I could easily set that up and have a really good time with it. Plus, I have a lot of friends who could make a private karaoke room a lot of fun. I am kind of leaning towards that idea but I’m not sure yet. I’ve still got about a month to decide, so we’ll see.

I also thought of doing a different kind of 60s themed party, based around the film “The Valley Of The Dolls,” which I watched earlier today. I really loved this film. This was my first Netflix mailer, which I only mention because I just signed up on Sunday and already received my first DVD today. That was pretty handy. Anyway, for those who don’t know, “The Valley Of The Dolls,” is the story of three young women in New York City and, eventually, Hollywood, who manage to make a name for themselves only to be brought down by their addiction to “Dolls,” which are little red prescription pills that they all take to help them sleep. This film was released in 1967 and is really hardcore for it’s time. It also features some really great musical numbers from the fierce bitch lead character, Neely O’Hara, played by Patty Duke. The only thing I had known of Patty Duke before was “The Patty Duke Show.” Silly as it sounds, I wasn’t aware that she had done any work beyond that. Looking on her Wikipedia page, though, I see that was a pretty ridiculous idea. Like I said, she is a fierce bitch as Neely O’Hara and has a gorgeous voice that I never knew about, either. The other two female leads, played by Barbara Parkins and Sharon Tate, were also brilliant but there was just something about Neely that I could relate to a lot. She was a mess throughout most of the film and was the one who kind of had the biggest problem with the “Dolls.” Her final scene in the film, where she is screaming outside of the empty theatre for all the friends she had betrayed, was just brilliant. When I say brilliant, of course, what I mean is really over the top and campy and hilarious and just... brilliant. Her entire performance in the film was like that. As a matter of fact, the entire film was like that. I loved every minute of it. It also really inspired me, as far as makeup goes, and I found a gorgeous look on the character Anne Wells, played by Barbara Parkins, that I am going to try for work tomorrow. It’s a pretty basic nude and soft gray look, with very overstated, winged-out black liner. It’s gorgeous and should be a lot of fun to recreate.

Aside from that, I watched last night’s episode of my new guilty pleasure show, “The Bachelorette,” which was pretty bland. That entire series is bland. I don’t know why I keep watching it. Aside from TV and movies, I also took in a little music today. First of all, last night a moment that I have been waiting a very long time for finally arrived: Scissor Sisters new album, “Night Work,” leaked to the Internet. My dear friend, Richie, posted a link to it on my Facebook and I, of course, downloaded it immediately. This was yesterday evening. I still haven’t listened to it. I have added it to my iPod and such but still haven’t actually listened to it. There are two reasons for this one being that my Mom isn’t here to listen to it with me. As much as I love Scissor Sisters, I think my Mom may love them even more. I took her with me to see them in concert and she really fell in love with them. So, when their second album leaked I waited until she got home from work that day and we sat and listened to it together. It only seems right to wait for her to listen to this one, as well. Of course, it’s a little different this time because she won’t be home in a few hours or anything. It’s still going to be four days before she gets back. I am not committing myself to wait until she gets back but I am at least going to try to wait. Aside from that, I never really had a moment today where I could sit down and give it my undivided attention. Whether I am alone or with my Mom, I definitely don’t want to listen to it until I am truly focused on it and it alone. The second reason I haven’t listened to it yet is because I am a little nervous about it. As I have discussed a bit in the blog before, both of the previous Scissor Sisters are in my top five favorite albums of all-time. I absolutely LOVE this band but it has been quite a while since they have released anything new and I have changed a lot in that time. I am a little concerned that I may listen to this one and not be as affected by it as I was by their first two records. I don’t like that idea. Based on the first single from this record, “Fire With Fire,” I doubt that will be the case. Still, I am concerned that I may have built this third record up so much in my head that I am destined to be disappointed. It also doesn’t help that music has been kind of disappointing for me recently. As much as I don’t think it’s as terrible as people online are making it out to be, I was disappointed with the new Christina Aguilera record. That was one of the albums I was most looking forward to this summer and, while it has some really great tracks on it, I was definitely underwhelmed, in comparison to her previous records. Then there’s the new Miley Cyrus record, which leaked today. Well, all but two tracks from the album leaked today. After the first single from the album, “Can’t Be Tamed,” I wasn’t entire sure what to expect. I like the song “Can’t Be Tamed,” but I wasn’t really blown away by it and was hoping that the sound of it wasn’t the direction the entire album was going to take. Unfortunately, that did turn out to be the direction for the rest of the record. It very much feels like a pop record from 1998-2002, from artists like Britney Spear and Nsync. Don’t get me wrong, I loved those records but I feel like they are best left to that time frame and only pulled out for nostalgia purposes nowadays. For that reason, a lot of the songs on this record sound very dated, including “Can’t Be Tamed.” Of the 10 songs that have leaked, there are really only 4 that I genuinely like and a fifth that is a little bit of a guilty pleasure for me. The first track that I really like is called “Two More Lonely People,” which is one of those forlorn breakup songs but with a really cool dance/pop/rock vibe, reminiscent of something from Paris Hilton’s highly-underrated album, (in my opinion,) from a few years ago. The same can be said of “Permanent December,” which is another song that I really liked. Then there is a song called “Stay,” which is one of the two ballads on the record, and is a really gorgeous song. My favorite track, though, is the album’s closing track, called “My Heart Beats For Love.” This is a big, sweeping mid-tempo track with a very large, almost world-music sounding beat. The lyrics on this song are very inspiring, though, and it is also the only track on the album that actually feels like a natural progression from the sound of her previous records. I think that is my main issue with this record – it feels very out of left field. I am not one of those people who complain about artists changing their sounds, no matter how drastic, but this change doesn’t feel organic at all. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Even when Jewel decided to go all dance/pop, as crazy as that seemed to a lot of people, I understood it and accepted it because her songwriting style didn’t really change. It was mainly a change in production style. With Miley’s new record, that is not the case. The songs don’t come across as Miley Cyrus songs at all. It is very weird. I was pretty disappointed with this record. One last thing, in reference to Miley Cyrus, that I do need to mention is that guilty pleasure song I mentioned before. On this record, Miley does a cover song that is so random that it winds up being kind of great – Poison’s “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn.” It’s hilarious because this song doesn’t really fit with the general mood or sound of the record at all and sticks out like a sore thumb. It is also strange because it is not a song that makes any sense at all for Miley to cover, based on the lyrical content. It’s just so random that she even did it. I really enjoy the cover, though, while recognizing that it isn’t actually very good. I enjoy it for all the wrong reasons, I suppose. Still, it is pretty out there and I love it.

It is after midnight now, though, and I have to be ready for work earlier than usual tomorrow so I should get to sleep. Since my Mom is in California and can’t take me to work in the morning, my sister is picking me up on her way to work. She goes in at 8am, so I have to be ready by like 7:45am and then get to go sit in the atrium at work until 8:30am. It’s not so bad and pretty well guarantees I won’t be late this week. That is a good thing. I will be really glad when my Mom gets back into town, though. I don’t necessarily mind being alone for a while but it is always much nicer to have her around. I’ll get by, though. I think I am going over to my sister’s house to hang out tomorrow night, which will be a good way to avoid another evening alone at home. I am also thinking of seeing if my friend Rachel may be available to hang out sometime this week, since I have broken plans with her for the past two weeks. I don’t know. I’ll get by, though. It’s only four more days, after all. For now, though, it is time for bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 221: The Main Event

I did the bulk of the editing of this video at like 4am and was not really in the best state of mind, which seems kind of evident when you watch the video. Oh well, though, they can't all be winners. Make sure to stick around for the end of the video where I cut it off mid-sentence! Ugh.

Chapter 220: Funny Girl

Once again, this just isn't a good weekend for me and the blog is suffering because of it. I understand that and I apologize to anybody who may actually follow and be disappointed with the past few days. It's just not the best time for me. I spent most of today holed up in my bedroom distracting myself to the best of my ability. The highlight of my day was signing up for a free trial of Netflix. I used the instant watch service they have set up to watch one of the most amazing films I have ever had the pleasure of seeing, "Funny Girl." I'm sure you all remember a while back when I decided to start listening to Barbra Streisand and did a full week of Barbra Streisand song titles on the blog. During that time I briefly discussed how much I want to start seeing her films, as well, because I simply fell in love with her. Of all the movies she's done, in my research, "Funny Girl," was the one I was most excited to see. For one, I absolutely loved the music from it that I had heard in my Streisand-fest and wanted to see how exactly they all fit into a story. I also was really intrigued by the fact that so many artists that I love and find so much inspiration from have cited "Funny Girl" as one of their earliest influences. Deborah Gibson, who I adore, has covered several of the songs from the film and they have also used a few different ones for Lea Michele to sing on "Glee." Of course, Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth, my two favorite Broadway divas, have both cited Barbra and "Funny Girl" as big influences on them, as well. So, these factors combined made me really want to see this movie. As soon as I saw it was on the Netflix instant play thing, I knew I just had to watch it this evening. I am really glad I did, as well, because it completely blew me away. It was gorgeous. The story of Fanny Brice and Nick Arnstein was beautiful. I also had never actually seen Omar Sharif in anything before and was very impressed with him. He was very sexy in this movie. The best part of the film, though, was the music. Barbra is a stunning vocalist and had no qualms about showing this off to the extreme in this film. Like I said before, it was gorgeous. While picking through the Netflix site, I came across several classic musicals that I would really like to see. So, I have decided that as soon as my free trial runs out I am going to sign up for a membership on Netflix and kind of work my way through all these classic musicals and stage shows and such that I have been interested in seeing for a long time now. That should be a fun way to spend some of my evenings, especially in this next week when I am going to be alone here. I think classic musical films will be a good distraction. Maybe I will make that a week-long theme, as well. We'll see.

The lowest part of my day came in the form of me cancelling my piano lesson for this week. I called my sister and told her that I did and she said I didn't actually have to and they would have no problem getting me back home. I appreciate that but I also understand that it is already inconvenient that they have to take me every week, I don't want to put them out even further by making them pick me up there, as well. It will be alright. Perhaps I will be able to set up a makeup lesson for the following week or something. Either way, I have the money to pay for the rest of the month currently and I have no plans on spending any of it. That will be fine. It still sucks, though, that I won't be going this week. It's okay, though. I will be here holding down the fort while my Mom is in California handling what she needs to handle. Fortunately, her boyfriend came down last night and has served as a very good distraction for her today. Up until this evening, when I decided to watch "Funny Girl," I didn't have much to distract me and I found myself thinking about a lot of really dark and depressing things that I won't go into here because I don't want to start thinking of it all again. It just freaks me out that there is no telling when it could call be over for any of us. My Uncle was only 51 years old. You can never know when it is going to end for you. This is a very big, daunting concept and one that I simply cannot bring myself to understand. I don't know what else to say about that really. It's been a long day and I need to get to bed immediately. Back to work in the morning. Goodnight.

Chapter 219: In Denial

Today was a weird day. I suppose they're all going to be that way for a while, though, until this particular version of weird becomes the new normal. Then, eventually, something else will happen and things will be a different version of weird until that becomes normal. Rinse & repeat. I don't know. I don't really have the energy or the will to do this tonight so I've pretty well decided I won't. Initially, I was going to push forward with it but I instead managed to sit here and distract myself from it for something like 3 hours. It's 2:45am now. It has just been a crazy couple of days. I haven't exactly figured out how to deal with any of it. I know I have emotions about it but I can't seem to get them out or express them in any way. My focus has all been on my Mom and dealing with her dealing with the whole thing. I just can't believe any of this is happening... but it is. My Uncle is gone. My Mom is flying out to California on Monday. My Grandma and Grandpa are on their way out there now. My cousin posted something on Facebook about it. It's all happening and I still don't really know what to say about it. I'm kind of assuming that next week, while my Mom is out of town and I am alone here, it will finally really sink in. The one thing I can say, though, is that after last weekend when so much of my family was here and I talked in this blog about how it all made me feel so much less alone in this world... well, I don't know. I feel alone now. It's not so much a matter of feeling alone, I suppose, as it is of feeling separate. I feel completely separated from everyone around me. I feel isolated. I couldn't explain exactly why that is but it is how I feel. I basically spent the entire day on autopilot, doing my best to detect the emotions coming from my Mom and to help her with them. As much as it sounds strange to say, right now my emotions are not relevant. At least, they are not as relevant as what my Mom must be feeling. So, I guess I've kind of put them away. I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here. I'm just doing the best that I can with everything. I will deal with how I feel in a timely manner, I'm sure. Emotions are like that - you can put them away for a while or set them aside or ignore them but it is never too long before you have to actually deal with them. Spending the next week alone in this house will probably be the time for me to do that. I just can't believe any of this is happening. It just seems so crazy after last weekend when everybody was so happy and we were together with so much of our family and celebrating a joyous occasion to be here, less than a week later, mourning the loss of another family member and, like I said, feeling separated from the rest of the world. This whole thing just sucks. I can't believe I am never going to see my Uncle again. I wish I were able to go with my Mom to California for the funeral but I can't. I have to stay here and work. There is the whole other matter of the fact that my Mom is going to be missing an entire week of work, which is a pretty big concern. I am also putting that concern aside, as well. I am simply going to put my faith in the fact that, as I have said many times before, the Universe is working in my favor. Of course I am worried about it but I know that a few different people have offered to help out with finances when it comes time for the paycheck that will be missing a week. Something will work out. I know my Mom is really worried about it, as well, which is why I haven't allowed myself to get too concerned with it. If I get stressed out over that she will only get worse and her focus doesn't need to be on that right now. She needs to just get to her family and I will figure everything out here at home. It will be okay. The Universe is working in my favor. It IS. It HAS TO BE. It has never failed me before and I am certain that it won't start now. Still, today was kind of like going through motions for me. My Mom wanted to go swimming at the pool in our apartment complex today, so I went with her. It was nice. The water felt great and I think it really helped to take her mind off of things for a little while. We also went out to Walgreen's so I could get cash out of my bank, (which has dedicated ATM machines at Walgreen's locations,) and pick up a few things. I bought a new moisturizer and some facial cleanser wipes from Clean & Clear and some Rimmel Glam Eyes Mascara. That is pretty well the extent of my spending from this paycheck, I think. I mean, I still need to get cash out for my piano lessons, as well. After that, I will have about $50 left and I don't have any plans for touching any of that money. I need to conserve as much as I can at this point. Before I fully woke up this morning my Mom went out grocery shopping. She said that she just needed to be alone for a little while. I can definitely understand that. Fortunately, she spent that alone time buying everything I could possibly need, as far as food goes, for the next week that she will be gone. It was very sweet of her and very fortunate for me because it meant that I won't have to spend any money on food. I also talked to my sister and her girlfriend and they said that they could get me to and from work this week, so I won't have to spend any money on transportation, either. The only concern I have left for the week, as far as sensible daily needs, is my piano lesson. I don't doubt that my sister can drop me off, like she does every week, but I haven't quite figured out what to do about getting home. I could always keep my fingers crossed that Viktor would drive me home but he told me last week that he has started driving a scooter to save money on gas, so that isn't likely to work out. I am beginning to think that it may be the best idea for me to just cancel this week's lesson. My only issue with that is that I don't want to look like I am trying to skip out on paying for the rest of the month by not showing up this week. I don't know what I am going to do. I may check with a few different people and see if there may be anybody who could pick me up after my lesson. I don't know what I'm going to do just yet. I don't know what I'm going to do about anything. The only thing I do know is that I should be in bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 218: Lift Me Up

I really don’t know what to say here. It is 2:27am and I have been putting off writing this blog tonight because I really don’t even know where to begin. I also don’t know where to end. I don’t know what to say at all. At it’s start today seemed like any other day. I woke up even later than I have been the past few days, at 7:15am. I really didn’t even want to get up out of bed then but I knew I absolutely had to. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, but because I was running low on time already I went ahead and did my makeup for the day then, as well. I then went out into the living room and made myself some oatmeal for breakfast, smoked a cigarette and drank a cup of coffee. I was talking to my Mom about the interview she had scheduled for this morning while I ate and such but very quickly it was time for me to go get dressed and do everything but my makeup. Once I got to work I found that it was a really boring day. It was slow and not long into the day we wound up missing the majority of my team. Even with the missing people, it was dreadfully slow. Still, I managed to make the day pass pretty quickly by finishing off “One Fifth Avenue,” and starting the book “Don’t Stop Believing: How Karaoke Conquered The World & Changed My Life.” This book is a lot of fun and really kind of gets me feeling the itch to go out and get silly on stage in some cheesy karaoke bar. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. I took lunch break with my Mom, who told me all about her interview. It went well, from the sounds, and I have very high hopes for her and this position. Everything was normal and boring until I went on my last break just after 4pm. When I checked my phone at that time I found that I had an email from my Aunt JoAnn. This email simply stated that it was an emergency and that I needed to call her as soon as possible. I called her immediately and that’s when the day came crashing down on me. That’s actually when a lot of things came crashing down on me.

My Aunt JoAnn informed me that my Uncle, her and my Mom’s brother, had passed away sometime last night. He’d been having some heart problems and was supposed to be losing a good deal of weight before having some surgery done that was supposed to help the issue. Nobody knows the exact details, as far as I know, but it would seem that this is the reason for this. It would be an understatement to say that I was shocked to hear this. My Uncle was only 51 years old and I knew he wasn’t in the best shape in the world but I had no idea anything like this could be coming. I don’t think anybody had an idea of this, though. My Aunt JoAnn said that she would call my Mom and tell her herself after she got out of work this evening at 8pm. We kind of agreed that it may be better for her to tell her about it because I am not really good with that sort of thing. She did ask me, though, to get in touch with my brother and sister to let them know and get them over here this evening. We figured that my Mom would need us to be here for her, so after I got off the call with her I went ahead and called my brother. Then, when I got back upstairs after my break, I told my sister, as well. I also asked my sister to drive me home after work so I wouldn’t have to ride with my Mom. We had all kind of agreed that it would be best not to tell her while she was at work because we all knew she would be devastated and didn’t want her to get that upset and be stuck at work for hours afterwards. All the while, I don’t really feel like I was letting it sink in for myself because I was so busy stressing myself out over everybody else’s reactions. I held it all together much better than I ever expected I’d be capable of. It was really difficult for me, though, when my Mom came over on her last break and was talking to my sister and I about her interview and such. She was in really high spirits and seemed like she was having a pretty decent day. She seemed to be in a really good mood. That good mood carried over to when she got off work at 8pm.

I had initially intended to let my Aunt JoAnn tell her when she called but once my Mom got home she could tell that there was something wrong with me and I had to tell her. As expected, she was devastated. She burst into tears and I didn’t know what I could possibly do for her but I felt like I needed to do something. It was one of the most terrible feelings possible and I began crying a little, as well. My sister had told me shortly before this that she would be over soon and it wasn’t long before she and her girlfriend arrived. Fortunately, they were both much better at comforting my Mom than I was. She was devastated, though, and couldn’t stop crying for quite a while. She talked with my Aunt JoAnn and my Uncle Glenn, who told her that she needed to come out there and that he would pay for her plane ticket. My brother also offered to pay for her plane ticket, as well, because everybody agreed that, no matter what, she needed to be with her family right now. My brother also showed up a little while later, as well, and we all hung out and did everything we could to try to take my Mom’s mind off of it or make her feel better about it. Still, this is one of her siblings and I can’t even begin to imagine what that must feel like. She also talked to her mother, as well as her boyfriend, for a while. We spent the entire evening until after midnight just doing everything we possibly could to comfort my Mom. She seemed to be feeling slightly better, as best one could in this situation, by that time and everybody decided to head back to their own homes. My Mom got really upset again and I tried my best to find the right words to say. Like I said, though, I am not very good at dealing with this sort of thing and was really struggling to find the right thing to say to her. I just can’t imagine how I would feel losing one of my siblings. I don’t know how one deals with that situation – how can you? My Mom went to bed just after this but then got up and came out to the living room and asked if we could watch some TV. I put on tonight’s episode of “The Soup,” and we watched but didn’t really laugh much. After this we watched a little bit of an episode of The Dr. Oz Show before going to bed.

I still don’t know what to say about this, as far as my own feelings about it. As I have discussed quite a bit in this blog recently, my Mom’s side of the family are the ones I feel closest to and have an immense amount of love and respect for. Every one of my Mother’s siblings holds a very special place in my heart and losing one of them is really a devastating blow to my sense of family, which has been built up a LOT after the events of last weekend. It just all seems really unfair. He was only 51 years old and, as I mentioned, wasn’t in the best shape in the world but never seemed to be at a point where his illness could kill him. I just don’t understand what exactly happened here. I don’t understand how it came about or why it had to happen to such an amazing person. Seriously, my Uncle Bruce was, first and foremost, one of the single funniest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was always saying or doing something off the wall and hilarious. He was just always a joy to be around. One of the most upsetting things to me is the fact that my brother, sister and I all spent time with him but were never around that side of the family as much. I think we all agreed that it was a shame we never got to know him on a closer level like our cousins and our mother and aunt and uncle did. Still, I do have many memories of him and I can’t stand the thought that there won’t be any more in the future. It just shouldn’t have happened. I can’t imagine going out to California again and not seeing him while I am there. I can’t imagine a get-together with all of that side of the family without him there, doing crazy impressions or celebrities or making hilarious offhand comments that make everybody crack up laughing. I really hate this whole situation. It is a tragedy and I just still can’t believe that this has happened.

My Mom is making arrangements to leave for California on Tuesday, most likely and return on Sunday of next weekend. She is definitely stressing out about the fact that she will be missing an entire week of work but I told her not to worry about it and that we would be able to figure something out. I told her that what was important is that she is with her family at this time. Everything else can be handled at a later date. So, next week I will most likely be in this house all by myself. I don’t mind that much, although I do much prefer to have my Mom home. Still, I can handle 6 days on my own. I’ve already arranged for my sister and/or her girlfriend come pick me for work each day and I believe that I have plenty of food to last me through the week. For now, though, it has been a very long, exhausting day and I am definitely beginning to feel it. I am trying really hard not to doze off in the middle of writing this thing, so I really should get to bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 217: I Believe In You

I woke up late this morning, at 6:30am as opposed to 6am when my alarm went off. You already know this, though, if you read last night’s blog. You see, last night I was in the middle of writing this blog when I found myself starting to fall asleep while sitting in the chair in front of my desk. I’m not sure why or how it happened but I was just extremely exhausted as I was writing last night’s blog but I did still have things that I needed to discuss in said blog, so I decided it would be in both my interest, as well as the best interest of the blog, to go ahead to bed and finish writing the blog in the morning. So, when I woke up late this morning I was kind of immediately panicked. I wasn’t genuinely panicked. I was more irritated than anything else. I hate waking up later than planned. It really, in the grand scheme of my day, didn’t make a bit of difference. I had already planned on not working out this morning, so I knew I would have a good deal of time with which to get the blog done. I got up and did my normal routine, and made myself a cup of coffee and some oatmeal for breakfast, then sat down to finish last night’s blog. It took a little longer to finish than I had anticipated and I didn’t get into the bathroom to get dressed and do my makeup until after 7:30am. Normally I try to get in there earlier than that – 7:15am-7:20am, in general – so I decided to do a simpler, quicker look and one that I had done several times before to make sure I could get it done in time. So, I went with my all black, Taylor Momsen inspired look, except I used a black shadow with silver glitter to match my black Calvin Klein with a silver/gray colored logo on it. It came out pretty cute, if I do say so myself, and I felt pretty good about my look when I left the house this morning. I also didn’t use any foundation or powder. I simply threw on some of the Amazing Cosmetics concealer April had given me before, which I hadn’t been using in order to preserve it for special occasions. Today was not any kind of special occasion but it is the concealer that blends best with my skin, so I figured it would be the best choice to use without foundation. I definitely intend to buy some of the Maybelline Mineral Power Powder Foundation I had mentioned before because I really feel like a powder foundation would work best for me during these summer months. Of course, I am doing this in spite of the warnings from Dr. Oz, whose show I happened to catch the other day when he was talking about the world’s most dangerous beauty products. One of the main products he talked about was Mineral Powders because you wind up inhaling a lot of the particles in the powder. He compared the minerals in these powders to the stuff inhaled by mine workers and such. I don’t entirely trust Dr. Oz, though. I feel like he is in the business of fear – he creates fear in the people who follow his work, which then prompts them to only follow his work more trying to find the answers to the fears that he created in them in the first place. I don’t know… the whole operation just seems kind of fucked up. He did state, though, that there is no evidence of these mineral powders being any danger to anybody’s health but he speculated and that is enough to freak out impressionable middle-aged and elderly women. It has been my experience that these two groups have a tendency to spook easily. I’m going to give it a try, either way. I figure it can’t hurt, no matter what Dr. Oz says, and based on my research it could wind up being exactly what I am looking for. I also received a message from April earlier today recommending that I check out some of the concealers from MAC because they are considerably less expensive but are similar to the Amazing Cosmetics stuff. So, that is definitely something I intend to look into moving forward, as well.

Of course, it has already been determined that the only cosmetic item I am buying with this paycheck will be the Maybelline Mineral Powder Foundation, which is $6-8. Aside from that, I really can’t afford any other splurging on cosmetics. The money I have left after paying my rent and such is mostly already claimed. I have to pay the rest of my piano lessons for the month, because I only payed for the first two weeks of the month so far. That will be $88, including $10 in late payment charges, which I am happy to pay because it was extremely convenient for me to be able to wait to pay the rest of the month. Then, my Mom and I are planning on joining the gym this weekend, which will only cost me somewhere in the $30 range. I think this will be a major improvement for my workout routine. Then there is one other thing I intend to spend money on. It is a DVD called “White Diamond: An Intimate Portrait Of Kylie Minogue.” It is a 2-disc set including the documentary film, “White Diamond,” which follows Kylie on her Showgirl tour through it’s cancellation after her diagnosis with cancer all the way up to her triumphant return with the Showgirl Homecoming Tour. I had heard about this film a few years ago but was never quite sure what came of it. It was never screened in any official capacity here in the US, but aired on television in the UK and other countries. Now that I know that it is available on DVD I simply have to own it for myself. The other really exciting thing about this is the second DVD in the set, which is a full concert from the Showgirl Homecoming tour. I own all of the other Kylie tours that have been released on DVD prior to this one so I must have this one, as well. The thing is, I have managed to catch Kylie Fever again in a very big way. I always love Kylie Minogue and always listen to her frequently but with the release of her AMAZING new single, “All The Lovers,” and the impending release of her 11th studio album, “Aphrodite,” I am becoming even more obsessed than I already was. She is just one of the greatest artists of my generation and I adore everything she does. I am particularly into her live shows because she just always manages to do the most amazing things with her music and really takes it all to a higher plane with her live performances. So, I am really excited to see a full show of what she did with her Showgirl Homecoming Tour. There is also another, more recent, DVD concert of her X2008 tour that I may buy, as well. I’ll have to see how my finances are after I get paid this weekend, though, before I decide on that. Either way, I definitely plan on breaking out the Kylie DVDs I already have this weekend and having a little Kylie concert marathon.

On the topic of financial matters, I got a text from my Mom on my first break this morning telling me that she received an email about a job that she had applied for online a while ago that sounds pretty perfect. She contacted them back and has a phone interview scheduled for tomorrow morning before work. There is also a higher position on her account at the place which shall not be named for security purposes that she has submitted a resume for. I don’t doubt that she could get the position at our current job but I really think it would be a million times better for her if she could get the other job she is interviewing for tomorrow. It is just so perfect in so many ways. It would pay her considerably more than a promotion at her current job would, has much better benefits and I think is something that she would be considerably happier with than what she is doing now. Mainly, though, it is considerably more money. I am praying with everything I have that this interview goes well. It wouldn’t solve every financial problem that we have at this point but it would be a MAJOR improvement. It would definitely alleviate a lot of the stress that we are going through right now in terms of money. We’d likely be able to pay all of our bills on time and such, which would be a great improvement on where we are currently. Like I said, I am praying and hoping and sending out all of the positive thoughts I possibly could into the universe that this works out for her. I really think it would be perfect. We’ll see, though. Like I said, I really think it would be a great thing for her and, in turn, a great thing for both of us. It would make a world of difference and I really hope that it can work out somehow. I think it will.

Work was bland today. I didn’t really do a whole lot. I wrote my two new songs today and was really happy with both of them. They were both extremely dance/pop and were both kind of “love” songs. Actually, neither of them were really love songs. They were both more “flirty” type songs, like something from Kylie Minogue’s album, “Fever.” The first one was called “Brand New,” and it kind of came about when I got Mariah Carey’s song “Touch My Body” stuck in my head. There is a line in the chorus of that song that says, “I just want to make you feel like you never did.” I always really loved that line in the song because it is basically like saying, “I want to make you feel something you’ve never felt before,” or like my song says, “I want to make you feel something brand new.” It basically took that one random line from “Touch My Body,” and blew it up into an entire song of it’s own. The other song was called, “So Happy,” and was basically about the concept of being around somebody who makes you feel better about the world; who makes everything seem “so happy.” That one is a little cutesy but I still really love the way it came out. Aside from the songwriting, I spent most of the day reading “One Fifth Avenue,” which I will most likely finish tomorrow. I have another book to start reading called “Don’t Stop Believing,” which is the story of a man who developed a deep passion for karaoke and decided to travel the world to discover the history and various forms of karaoke out there. My sister lent me this book because it was kind of a thing for us back in California to do karaoke a little more frequently than anybody should, probably. I mean, we were doing it in different places multiples nights each week for a long time. So, this book seemed like something appropriate to share. I am kind of excited to read it. After that, I really want to pick up “The Carrie Diaries,” from Candace Bushnell, as well as the original “Sex & The City” novel. After reading “One Fifth Avenue,” I am really into her style of writing. She really creates these brilliant, complex characters that really seem to come to life the further you read the stories. I like it a lot.

After work, I did 30 minutes or so of piano practice and I feel like I have really gotten much more comfortable with the left hand side of the new piece I am working on. I managed to play the entire first page of the piece on the left hand multiple times without any really severe issues. Tomorrow I will focus on only the right hand, then for the rest of the week I will work on both individually and maybe, depending on how well it all goes, I will try to play both sides together. I may save that for next week’s lesson but, again, that depends on how well my practice goes this week. For now, though, it is time for bed. It is 12:44am and I am hoping to actually wake up with my alarm tomorrow morning, so I need to get to bed as soon as possible. Plus, I am beginning to feel really tired again, so I’d better finish this off before I fall asleep again. Goodnight.

Chapter 216: Like A Lady

Okay, so I know that I have just spent five days of the past week punking out on the blog because I was updating from my phone and such, which was a very valid excuse. Tonight, on the other hand, I am sitting comfortably at my computer and really don’t have any excuse beyond saying that I am tired and need to get to bed. I won’t be as brief as I was while updating from my phone but I am still going to keep it brief. It was a pretty long day, honestly. I woke up at 6:15am this morning, which was 15 minutes after my alarm went off, and I was feeling pretty decent considering that today was my return to the routine of my daily life, which I wasn’t very excited about. Still, I got myself out of bed, washed my face and brushed my teeth, made myself a cup of coffee and a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I didn’t work out this morning. I had pretty well decided that I wasn’t going to be working out this week again, which is probably an unwise idea but one that I am going with. I think it could possibly work out okay for me, though, because my Mom brought up this evening that she would like to go and sign up for the gym this weekend. I kind of took that as a sign that I should just wait until we do that and start fresh again. After all, I kind of feel like I should step up my working out to something more substantial than just doing a DVD workout at home. Joining the gym would probably be the best way to do that. I am kind of excited about that whole concept. When I went to the gym for a brief while before, I really loved the whole gym environment. I think it is a lot of fun and kind of more motivational for me to have other people around. Plus, after seeing a lot of the pictures from the wedding I have kind of realized exactly how fat I really am. I mean, I knew it before but I never really had to be faced with it as much before seeing these pictures of myself looking massive at this wedding, amidst all these really pretty, thin people. It sucks to admit it but I really do feel like, for the first time in a long time, I am unhappy with my body. I had gotten to a point where I didn’t care all that much and was happy with myself as I was. I am still happy with myself, in terms of personality and character, but I just look at these pictures and feel like I COULD look so much better on the outside than I do currently. So, moving forward this will be much more of a focus than it has been in the past. I know that I CAN lose the weight that I have been carrying all of my life – it is simply a matter of maintaining the momentum I gain and not allowing myself to become discouraged or get lazy. I KNOW I can do it and I have every intention of getting it done.

Instead of working out this morning, though, I decided to use that extra time to practice piano, which I hadn’t done the entire time that my family was here. So, I spent 30 minutes practicing piano but didn’t manage to really get any further than I was last week. I decided to just keep my fingers crossed that Viktor would understand that I had a lot going on. I had talked to him a bit about the wedding and graduation going on this week, so I was hoping he would recall all of this stuff and cut me a little slack. I got dressed in my wedding pants, which are totally my new favorite pants that I own, and gray and pink argyle sweatervest. Over the weekend, my Mom picked up a small Clinique eye shadow duo for me that she had found really cheap somewhere. This duo included a very soft, pale pink color that I like to refer to as Ballerina Pink because it reminds me of the color of the classic tutu. The other color was a darker brownish-pink color. They were pretty perfect for just a simple, semi-natural look with a soft, light colored lid and a darker color in the crease for dimension. It came out looking really gorgeous, if I don’t say so myself. I also picked up a liquid liner, (Maybelline Line Stiletto,) and decided to pair that with this look for a little added drama. Like I said, I really loved the way this look came out. I’ve been much more into doing very simple, neutral eye shadow paired with dramatic liner. I also used my Maybelline Dream Mousse foundation and concealer, which I have been finding to be a pretty bad idea in the summer weather here in Florida. Still, I love the look of my face with foundation and such on it before I step outside and it all goes a little mad with my perspiration, etc. So, I have come up with a different idea to try – Maybelline Mineral Power Powder foundation. I think that using a powder foundation may be a much better idea during the summer here. I am going to give that a try once I get paid again and can run to a Walgreen’s or something where I can pick up some. I figure it is worth a shot, anyway. I can’t imagine it would turn out any worse than what I am doing now.

Work was bland. I spent the bulk of the day reading “One Fifth Avenue,” by Candace Bushnell. It is a really gorgeous book set in the iconic building located at One Fifth Avenue in New York City. I am really enjoying reading it. I can totally picture it as a television series or film. The characters are all very complex and emotional creatures with more money than God and I think they could all translate really well onto film or television. It is really good stuff. I particularly love the fact that a large focus of this book is on the concept of “old money” versus “new money,” which I have always found pretty fascinating. There is one character in particular, Paul Rice, who is on the “new money” side who just has this insane sense of entitlement and simply doesn’t understand why he would ever be denied anything when he has so much money, even amongst all of the “old money” people who have spent years building up their reputations and making connections, etc. Like I said, I just find that whole concept fascinating. I am slowly but surely making my way through this book each day at work and I really enjoy it. It does make me wonder what I would be like if I suddenly came into large sums of money. I like to think that, after so many years of being a “have-not,” I would be able to keep sight of the experiences of my youth and would remain my regular old self and simply become slightly more extravagant. You never know, though. Like that Cyndi Lauper song says, “Money Changes Everything.” It is really fascinating to consider what life would be like on the “other side of the tracks.” I also managed to write my two new songs at work yesterday, which were both pretty decent. Neither was earth shattering or anything. They were both pop/dance songs and both kind of had really sexual undertones to them, which is not something I do TOO frequently. I kind of liked them but, like I said, they weren’t anything mind boggling or anything. I didn’t actually write anything until around 4:30pm, which is considerably later than usual. I normally like to get my writing done first thing in the morning but being my first day back after my vacation time, I spent most of the morning talking with my co-workers and telling them about the wedding, etc. It was a pretty laid back day at work, overall. One thing that did happen, though, was that my fellow evening worker randomly announced that today was his last day. No two week notice or anything, just a sudden, “Hey, I won’t be back tomorrow.” Although I easily could have, I did not allow myself to get overly concerned about it. I decided to just put my faith in the fact that my sister and the rest of our management team would find a way to make it work so I wouldn’t be there alone every evening. As it turns out, thanks to the flexibility of a few of my other co-workers, they did manage to get that done. I really appreciated it, too, because while we haven’t really been busy enough for it to be a major problem it could easily add up to me being stuck there with calls holding every evening, which is not something that I, or my team lead who would be stuck there as well, would really want.

I managed to get out of work on time and so did my sister’s girlfriend, which meant that we were able to make it to my piano lesson slightly early, which is not something that I have been able to do in several weeks. Of course, it would happen that on the day that I made it there early, Viktor would be stuck in another lesson about 15 minutes late. I didn’t go in until 6:45pm but my lesson lasted until 7:30pm. It was a good lesson and Viktor had already assumed I wouldn’t have practiced much so it wasn’t an issue. One thing that was a slight issue, though, was the fact that we began discussing my home keyboard and the fact that it’s keys are not weighted. He began telling me that he felt like I really needed to have a piano but said he wouldn’t recommend buying one. He did state, though, that I should look into getting a keyboard with the full set of keys and with keys that are weighted because he said I wasn’t developing habits as far as hitting the keys properly. I’m just not sure if that’s something I can afford right now. It sucks but I am not exactly in a financial situation where I can manage to go out and buy one of the top-of-the-line, professional keyboards. I suppose if I could manage to save up some money I could get that done but history has shown that I am not great when it comes to saving money. We’ll see, I suppose. It just sucks because I don’t want my keyboard to hold back my progress but up to this point it never seemed like it was. That whole thing was kind of out of left field for me and just added another bit of stress to me in this whole process of learning piano. Viktor said he would look into it and see if he could come up with something that was affordable and of the quality that I need. He kept saying that I “deserve” to have a better piano/keyboard to work with, which I agree with, but I don’t know how realistic a concept it is at this point in time. We’ll see.

After my lesson, my Mom and I went to dinner at Sonny’s Barbecue and didn’t wind up getting home until after 10pm, so when we did get home it was pretty much immediately time to take a pill and get ready for bed. The pill I took didn’t take long at all to kick in and I managed to fall asleep writing this blog. Then I woke up at 6:30am, a whole half hour later than my alarm, and am now kind of rushing because it is 7:30am and I need to be getting into the bathroom to get myself dressed and all made up for the day. This means it is a day to go simple with the makeup and such. So, I’d better go get to it. Have a great day! I know I intend to!

Chapter 215: Family

So, it’s been a crazy past four days. There has been a whole lot going on and the blogs have been posted each night but they were very sad, small excuses for actual blogs. This means that this evening, I’ve kind of got a lot of work to do to catch this thing up. Let’s not waste any time. It all began on Thursday night, although I basically got a full blog out on Thursday. Basically, all that happened on Thursday night was that my Grandma and her friend, Nettie, arrived. We sat up talking for quite a while and it was a lot of fun. As I mentioned in the blog on Thursday night, my Grandma’s friend kind of weirded me out a bit. I feel bad for saying that now because she was really a very nice lady. I just don’t think she was used to being around a lot of different types of people, (i.e., gay people,) and came across a little off-putting to me for a while. She was very nice, though. It was really nice having my Grandma around. My Grandma is really fun because she is basically just like my Mom but a little older and wiser and she has a bit of that “Old World” charm, even though she is actually from California. The only thing I don’t entirely love about my Grandma is the fact that she is a Republican but if she can love me for all of my liberalness, (i.e., gayness,) then I can certainly love her for all of her conservatism. Plus, she is just so cool. It is amazing how well she has held up, as well. She is in her late 70s at this point but you would never know it. She doesn’t come across as that old at all. She doesn’t even look her age. She is a really fascinating woman and is a lot of fun to talk with. It was amazing how much my Mom kind of lit up the whole time she was here. We had a lot of fun hanging out on Thursday night.

On Friday, my Grandma, Nettie, my Mom and I all went to Target, where my brother had registered, to get his wedding gifts. I had already ordered my wedding gift for him the weekend before but I tagged along for the ride just to hang out a little more. After going to Target, we decided to drive over my Mom’s favorite bridge and show them the beach on the other side of it, Lido Beach. Turns out, my Grandma’s friend had never actually been outside of the little cluster of states surrounding Arkansas, so coming to Florida was a pretty big deal for her. She had never seen the ocean before or anything, so it was pretty exciting for her to go out to the beach. We only stayed at the beach for a few minutes then went out to lunch. By the time we got back from lunch, it was pretty late in the afternoon and was getting close to time to go pick up my Aunt JoAnn and cousin Chelsea from the airport in Tampa. I decided not to go along with them for that because there wouldn’t really be room for me and I wanted to go to my sister’s girlfriend’s daughter’s Graduation from High School. It was a little crazy because I hadn’t been to a High School Graduation in nearly 10 years, when my best friend graduated. I had no idea all that was involved in the whole process, or how long it would take. Being here in Florida, attending an outdoor graduation in the month of June is pretty insane. I was really excited, though, to see how much of a crowd showed up for her graduation. We had a whole bunch of people in our little section cheering for her. I was most excited to see my dear old friend, Kessler, who I hadn’t seen in ages. He moved to Tampa last year and I hadn’t seen him or even gotten to talk to him much since then, so it was really good to see that he came down for the graduation. After the graduation ceremony ended, we all went back to my sister’s house for a little after party. It was a lot of fun and gave me a chance to talk with some people I hadn’t really seen much in a while, as well as meeting some cool new people. It was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun and was a shame I had to cut out early. My Mom was text messaging me after a while because I had to wake up at around 5:45am the next morning. The plan had become that my Mom’s boyfriend was going to get up early and drive me down to Fort Myers so I could be there by 9am for the wedding rehearsal. So, I had my sister drive me home where my Mom, her boyfriend, my grandma, her friend, my cousin, Chelsea, and my Aunt JoAnn were waiting. I was really excited to see my Aunt and cousin, and to be reminded of what a fierce diva my Aunt JoAnn is. Truly, she is an inspiration to me in many ways. She is sassy and fun and just a general joy to be around. I stayed up a little later than I should have talking with Chelsea, who I realized I have pretty much everything in common with. As I mentioned in the blog last night, I had never realized that because we hadn’t spent much time together as adults. She is a lot of fun.

The next morning, I managed to get up on time and get myself dressed and made up in time to be out the door by 6:45am. My brother met us in Port Charlotte so my Mom’s boyfriend wouldn’t have to drive as far. We got back into Fort Myers just shortly after 8am and went to my brother’s old apartment where his fiancé was staying to pick up something. When we got there, the bride and her maid of honor were just leaving to go pick up another bridesmaid before heading out to the resort where the wedding was being held. My brother and I stopped to get breakfast from Chick-Fil-A then headed to the resort. I was really impressed with the place when I saw it. It was a really gorgeous location and the beach was a beautiful backdrop for the ceremony. Of course, we realized after being at the location for only a few minutes that it was excessively hot out and would only get worse as the day wore on. We were basically just standing around waiting for people the bulk of the time we were out there for rehearsals. It did give me a chance to hang out with the groomsmen for a little while, which was fun. I had met a couple of them before, at a housewarming party my brother and his girlfriend threw when they bought their house. They were pretty cool guys and I got along with them pretty well. I was concerned initially that it would be kind of awkward hanging out with a bunch of straight guys for the day but we managed to avoid that pretty well. They even changed their clothes in front of me, which I made it a point not to look at because my brother’s friends are kind of hot and I didn’t want to be weird. The other big thing happening that day, which I was slightly nervous about, was seeing my Grandma on my Dad’s side for the first time in about 7 years. I hadn’t even spoken with her in four or five years so I wasn’t expecting it to be a very positive meeting. I wasn’t sure what it would be like, honestly, and that was the part that made me nervous. She, as well as my aunt Kim and her girlfriend, Amber, met us at the rehearsal and it was all well and good. I was kind of making it a point to avoid much conversation with my Grandma and focus more on my newly gay aunt and her girlfriend. Her girlfriend was really nice. I liked her quite a bit. After the rehearsal ended, my brother decided that we should go hang out with that side of the family for a while. My aunt’s girlfriend is a big Jimmy Buffett fan and wanted to go out to Sanibel Island, which is apparently somewhere that he discusses in his music or something like that, (obviously, I am NOT a big Jimmy Buffett fan – I find his music really annoying, for the most part.) So, we went out there. My brother and I decided to stop at one of those silly little shops on the beach to buy some shorts since neither of us had any with us. He managed to find some but this place didn’t have any that would fit me. So, instead I just rolled up my jeans and went out on the beach that way. It wasn’t ideal but it worked out fine. After hanging out with them for a while and taking them out to lunch, we separated from them to go get haircuts and get changed for the wedding. After being out on the beach all morning, we were both in desperate need of a shower. So, we went back to his house and both took showers and got into our fancy, long-sleeved, all black outfits for the wedding. As soon as we left the rehearsals, we were both saying that the long-sleeved black shirts had been a bad idea. Still, it looked really nice. We stopped on the way back to the resort and picked up some beers, since we were going to have to be hanging out there for a while before the wedding. At rehearsals, the wedding photographer had asked us to be back there by 4pm and the wedding didn’t start until 6pm. When we got there we found that there was absolutely no reason for us to be there and basically just wound up hanging out for those 2 hours. Initially, we were hanging out in the suite at the resort that one of the bride’s aunts had gotten them for their wedding night. This suite, by the way, was gorgeous, complete with a Jacuzzi on a balcony overlooking the beach. Eventually, though, we got kicked out of the suite because the bridesmaids and everybody were getting ready in there. Instead, they stuck us in this weird storage room where we had to wait for the rest of the time. A bunch of the bride’s other male family members started pouring into this room, as well, and it was a little mini-party going on in there until the wedding started. The ceremony itself was really beautiful. The groomsmen spent much of the ceremony quietly cracking jokes and I was having a really hard time keeping myself from laughing. After the wedding, the bridal party then had to go off to the other side of the beach for more pictures, while the rest of the guests went in for appetizers and such. For the bridesmaids, this was a pretty involved process, but all of the groomsmen basically sat around getting more and more desperate to go inside, out of the heat, and where there was food and drinks. This took a long time to happen and even once we did get inside, the entire bridal party had to go wait in that storage room again until it was time to do introductions. The introductions were a lot of fun, though. They introduced each bridesmaid and groomsman in pairs, so I was paired with the maid of honor, the bride’s best friend, and we did this really cute twirl when we came out. After we walked out for the introductions, I got to go say hello to all of my family who I didn’t get to before the ceremony while my brother and Brandy, his wife now, had their first dance. I don’t know what anybody else thought of the song they chose for their first dance but my sister, cousin and I all thought it was brilliant – “Miserable” by Lit. It was an absolutely perfect choice for the two of them. I loved it. Then I spent nearly an hour trying to go out and smoke a cigarette but kept getting pulled back inside for more pictures or some other random thing. It was a mess. All of the groomsmen were sick of having pictures taken and even Brandy was getting really pissed off at the photographer. Then, just when I thought I finally had my chance, it was time for the speeches. Now, I hadn’t been nervous at all about my speech prior to this point but suddenly my concept didn’t seem like something that I could really build upon enough to create a good off-the-cuff speech. While we were waiting to begin the speeches, somebody in the room dropped a glass and it made a really loud, crashing sound. Everybody stopped to look and, just being silly, I shouted out “Mazel Tov!” The bridal party got a little kick out of that, so after giving a brief speech about how my brother was always so independent and how surprising it was to be sitting here at his wedding, I ended the whole thing with another “Mazel Tov!” which I think confused most people. The maid of honor then got up and gave this really beautiful speech, where she read notes that Brandy had written her in high school talking about Bobby. She even cried. She really put my Jewy little speech to shame. Still, my brother, all the groomsmen and all of my family that were there told me that they thought my speech was really good. Once the speeches were over, I finally got to go have a cigarette. My sister’s girlfriend came with me and told me about some drama that had gone on involving my Dad’s side of the family and the seating arrangements. At this point, I had eaten and all of my duties were done with, so I decided to start drinking. After about four glasses of White Zinfandel, I was feeling pretty good. Then, I was standing by the bar waiting for another glass when suddenly a gorgeous woman in her 40s popped up behind me and asked me to dance. Turns out, she was a “friend of the family.” She was actually the bride’s aunt but she was a friend of the gay family and she was ready to gay it up. She kept talking about the fact that nobody was dancing and she wanted to get them to, so I was her dance partner for all kinds of good old gay disco and we actually did manage to get other people dancing, as well. I danced a LOT at this wedding, more than I expected I would. It was a lot of fun, though, and my Aunt JoAnn and Chelsea came out on the dance floor with me, as well as some of the bridesmaids and even the bride and her mother. It was a lot of fun. It had been a really long time since I had gone out dancing so this was a really good time for me. I had a lot of fun. Eventually, I wore myself out and all of my family was ready to make the trek back up to Sarasota, so I said my goodbyes to all of the bridal party and such and left. It was a really long day but I had a lot of fun. My brother text messaged me later that night and said thank you for being a part of the wedding, although in much different terms because my brother is a bit of a nerd. It was really sweet of him and I don’t think I realized beforehand exactly how much it meant to him that I was his best man. Like I said before, I was surprised that he even asked me and was very honored to have the opportunity to be there for him. Honestly, I feel like I came out of this weekend a lot closer to both him and Brandy, my new sister-in-law. It was a really great experience overall.

Sunday my brother decided to come up to Sarasota with my Dad’s side of the family so both sides could go out to dinner together. My Mom’s side, however, are not huge fans of my Dad’s side, so it was a little strange and we were all concerned that it would be uncomfortable. It turned out perfectly fine, though, and we managed to avoid any sort of conflict or anything. At Dinner, we managed to sort it out so my cousin Chelsea and I sat by my brother and Brandy, and then our Grandmas and our Mom’s side sat on the other side of them because they hadn’t gotten to really spend any time with them and we all wanted to make sure that the dinner wasn’t monopolized by the other side of the family. It all worked out really well, until that part that I mentioned in Sunday night’s blog about letting it slip to my Grandma on my Dad’s side that I had been out to California twice since moving here without visiting her or any of them. I do feel bad that she is aware of that. I just haven’t had any real desire to see that side of the family since leaving there. I know it sounds bad but it’s just the way I feel. I can’t help it. I believe that our families are the people that we choose to have in our lives and I don’t feel any obligation to people who I don’t choose to have in my life, particularly ones who have been very negative elements for both myself and, even more, my Mother. Still, if this long weekend has left me with anything it is a much stronger sense of family – My Mom’s side of the family and my brother, sister, new sister-in-law and Mom. These are all people who I have chosen to have in my life, regardless of whether or not they are blood to me. Even my best friend, Don, and my friends here in Florida are like family to me. I have chosen a family for myself who I absolutely love and adore. It’s been a great weekend and I am really thankful for every bit of it. It has all left me with a much greater feeling than I had before – I feel a LOT less alone in this world.

There are other issues that I have been wanting to discuss here, like the pictures I have seen from the wedding and how unhappy I am with my looks in them, as well as some more frivolous stuff, like the world premiere of Lady Gaga’s new video, “Alejandro,” and the leak of the new Sarah McLachlan album, “Laws Of Illusion,” but this will all have to be saved for another day. I am getting this blog done early tonight so I can watch the season finale of “Glee,” which I’m sure I will wind up discussing tomorrow, as well as a brand new Kathy Griffin special airing tonight, called “Kathy Does The Bible Belt.” So, having the blog done early will allow me to stay up to watch these things and still be in bed on time to return to my real, everyday life tomorrow. I am not entirely looking forward to it but I will survive. So, it is kind of early but I will simply say what I always say at the end of these blogs: Goodnight.