Chapter 364: The Night Before (Life Goes On)

Of course it would happen that, on the day before the last day of the blog, I would pass out on the couch without writing a blog. I don't know what to say about the fact that this happened. I would say that it is just me trying to sabotage this project at the last moment but it's a little too late for that and I am sitting down to do it now, so it's not actually been sabotaged. I don't know. This isn't exactly how I had planned for the night before my last blog to be but I am going to make it work. Yesterday was a very long day. It was my first full day of taking calls for the new market, which was very unusual for me. Why was it so unusual? Because it was BUSY! I spent pretty much all day being on calls, as opposed to how it has been for the past several months where I have long periods of time between each call. It was a little hectic but I was okay with it. The day passed pretty quickly because of it and it kept my mind off of things that have been bothering/concerning me recently, like the fact that two of my best friends and my sister are all extremely sick in ways that really worry me. I'm sure that in all of these cases everyone is going to be alright, but it is definitely worrying me at this point. I also have been worrying a bit about this other situation that could possibly wind up with one of my nearest and dearest friends going away for a long time. I am trying really hard to be positive about the whole thing and I am really not all that concerned about it. It is one of those things where I use the completely random, nonsensical logic of "I don't have a bad feeling about it so nothing bad is going to happen." This logic, while not being all that logical, has served me well throughout my life so far. It's true that in most cases where something really bad was going to happen I did have a bad feeling beforehand, and in most situations that caused concern that I didn't have a bad feeling about things turned out okay. So, I am really keeping my fingers crossed and putting my faith into this whole concept. I'm pretty certain that everything is going to be fine. Still, last night I had a very dear friend of mine over who is also closely related to the situation and we were both lamenting on what exactly it would be like if this situation doesn't go well and how we both would handle it. I really don't think that she would handle it well at all. Like, it REALLY worries me how she would handle it. What also really worries me is how I would handle it. I know that it wouldn't be well, either, but it is something that I don't think anybody would ever realize. I say that because I don't think I would let anybody see exactly how hard I would take it. I don't even know exactly how I would respond but I know that it definitely wouldn't be well. I would be a mess and I would keep it all internalized in order to be strong for the other people involved. My friend and I both agreed that should things go badly with this situation we will have to be there for each other as much as possible. We also both agreed, though, that nothing is going to go wrong and we won't have to worry about any of this anyway. I really do believe that this will be the case. Everything will work out perfectly fine. I am sure of it.

So, aside from that, I don't really know what to say here. I feel like I should be in much more of a reflective place here at the end of this blog but that just isn't how I'm feeling right now. I don't honestly know how I am feeling right now. It has been a crazy week in a number of ways and I am finding myself really wrapped up in what's going on in the moment than reflecting upon what's gone on in the past. That's a good thing, I think. I have always said that I want to live in the moment more and I feel like I am much more than I ever have before. It's funny how little that seems to mean now that it's actually happening. I mean, it is a good thing and I can see a difference in my life but it doesn't feel as different as I would have thought. I mean, it kind of does but... I don't know how to explain what I am trying to say here. Maybe I should spend the day reflecting a bit more on what has gone on over the past year. After all, I have to write the final post for this blog tonight and it only seems right to use that post to look back on what this whole project has meant for me and my life. I don't know how I am even going to begin to write that post, honestly. I'll get it done, though.

It is a really strange thing to try to explain but I am feeling like I am in a really positive place right now but like I am also in kind of a dark place. Dark and positive are not necessarily opposites, I think. In general, they don't really go together but, in this case, they do. It's kind of like I am in a really good place internally - my mind and my emotional state are kind of stronger than ever. It's more a matter of me feeling like I am exploring the world in a much different, somewhat darker way than I have in a long time. I am kind of looking at some of the seedier, darker sides of life lately, but I am looking at them in much more of a positive way. I don't know what the fuck I am trying to explain here. This morning I am in much more of a weird place than I am in life in general because there are a couple of things that I am really concerned about. I am trying to chill myself out but it is proving more difficult than I expected it to be. So, I am going to go ahead and end this blog here. Then, about 12 hours or so from now, I will be back to make the FINAL post in this blog. The last chapter is nigh. It's going to be weird but it's going to be great. Have a great day!