Chapter 363: Wait and See

Today was a strange day. This has been a very strange week for me, honestly. I didn't plan out the ending of this blog very well at all. I guess it makes sense because I didn't really anticipate when starting this blog that I would be partying as much at this point in my life. It has made me stop to think a LOT about where my life is right now in comparison to where it was in the time leading up to the start of this blog. As we all know, I have discovered along the way that the real goal that was achieved in the past year, or the biggest difference that was made, is the fact that I have gone from living inside my own head and being closed off to the world to being immensely more open and comfortable with myself and the world that I live in. Aside from that, though, I feel like I have learned to LET GO and just have fun with my life sometimes. I still have my serious moments, for sure, and I am just as emotional as I have ever been, (if not more, in some ways,) but I never really expected that I would be able to let go and live in the moment as much as I have been recently and I feel extremely grateful for it. Sure, I recognize the fact that I have been making some unhealthy, and possibly less than positive, decisions here lately, (especially this past week,) but I honestly feel like it has been a very psoitive change in me. When I think about this time last year the main thing that sticks out to me is the feeling of being extremely unsatisfied with so many of the situations in my life at the time. I remember the friendships I was in at the time, some that remain and some that have kind of disappeared, and how much I really felt in pretty much all of them that I was not getting what I need. I remember a deep, deep feeling of loneliness. I felt like I didn't have anyone in this world who had my back. I don't really know how to explain this feeling exactly but I just had this strong feeling of emptiness and being completely alone. I love the fact that I no longer have that feeling in my life. I've got friends and family who make me feel special and loved and like I really have a place in this world right now. These are all people that I absolutely love and appreciate and try my very best to make also feel special and loved and like they have a place in this world, as well. I am so immensely grateful to all of these people in my life. I couldn't have imagined that I would have such a bond and a connection to people at this point in my life, particularly after the place I was in when I started this blog, where I felt so disconnected from the world. It is an absolutely beautiful place I am in right now and I couldn't possibly feel any more grateful for it. Like that Lindsay Lohan song I referenced in the blog recently, "A Beautiful Life." It really is.

Work was a little crazy for me today. It all started out in a really boring way. Wednesdays are my email day at work, which I didn't do last week because I wasn't there. You see, I work in a call center and the main function of my job is to answer phones. We are the customer service line for a company and handle all kinds of different customer issues. We have for the longest time only really dealt with one market, in the state of Georgia, but recently had taken on a couple of other markets, Ohio and Pennsylvania, that was being handled by a department that I am not in or really much related to. Still, I had a little bit of experience with this market when I first started working there as a temp. I was actually a little put off by the fact that, considering my progression in this job in the past almost two years, I was not initially considered when they were selecting people to serve as the team leads or floor walkers for this new department. I assumed that this was because I was considered too valuable to the department I am already in. Nobody ever told me this but it is the assumption that I made. I thought after not being asked to do it when it first started again that I was pretty safe from the whole thing and could just be secure in the position I am already in. Well, today I watched one of my co-workers get pulled into the office of our program manager, (aka, our "main" boss,) and then I saw my program manager come up behind me like he needed to talk to me. I got a call before he could say anything. He took another of my co-workers into the office while I was on the phone. I wasn't sure what was going on exactly but I was concerned that there may have been some sort of drama going on that I was somehow getting dragged into. The co-worker who I first saw getting pulled into the office was one who I get along with but have had some issues with in the past that were never fully resolved. I mean, we talk and we get along fine for the most part, so I couldn't imagine that there was any sort of issue with him that I would be involved in at all. I really had no idea what it could be about. I didn't have to wait long to find out, though. When I got pulled into the office I had no idea what to expect. I received a good bit of praise for the time since I have been back working there and how they really needed somebody like me, who could pick things up quickly and really excel at all the different departments I have worked in there, to help out in the new markets. He made it out to be just a little cross-training for moments when they need a little extra help on their phones or whatever. I told them I would be happy to help out and was actually kind of excited to try out something different. Still, once I started getting trained for it I quickly came to realize that not everybody seemed to be on the same page about this whole "just helping out sometimes" thing. I wasn't sure how to feel about that initially but the longer I sat there in the midst of it all the more I kind of thought that this could be an okay thing. Actually, in a lot of ways, I think it could turn out to be a really positive move. I have pretty well decided not to try to fight it or anything at this point because I think I could actually wind up being really happy with the way that it works out. I'm not 100% certain yet but I have a pretty good feeling about the whole thing. We shall see. It definitely made for an odd day, though, because I was told about the whole thing then, not even an hour later, was in training for it and only about 2 hours after that was listening to somebody else take calls on it. I only wound up getting to take one call of my own today and it really didn't go great but it didn't go terribly, either. I don't think I will have any problem with it. Plus, I got to spend most of the day sitting by a very good friend of mine who is normally all the way across the room, so that was kind of fun. It wasn't a bad day, by any means. I definitely have some hesitation about some of the implications of the whole thing but, aside from that, I am okay with it all. In fact, I am almost downright pleased with it all.

I also got a piece of news today about a very good friend of mine that I found very disheartening. I am not going to say who it is or what exactly the news was but I will say that I am not at all pleased with this. The jist of it, though, is that something bad may be happening and this person may be going away for a while. There is a chance that it may not happen - we will just have to wait and see. I am really trying my best to be positive about the whole thing, because that is my automatic response to negative situations, but I am also feeling really worried about the whole thing. I am trying really hard to make it a point to be around this person a lot and such and show that I am really there for them and such. It is just a really sad situation and I am really going to miss this person if things don't go well. We shall see, though. Once again, we will just have to wait and see. I keep saying that - have to wait and see. It reminds me of that song by Anouk, called "Wait and See." The first verse, and my favorite section of the song, says, "I feel completely disconnected from the world I'm living in, I try to understand the way I'm thinking, Keep all options open, I'd rather wait and see what's gonna happen next, Yeah I like to wait and see." This is a concept that I am going to try to adopt more into my life - it really applies to a lot of different situations in my life right now, honestly. I could apply those lyrics to my job, to the situation I was talking about in last night's blog and a million others. Of course, it doesn't really apply to the topic I had been talking about before getting sidetracked by thoughts of this song. I'm just going to try my best to remain as positive as possible about it and flush out all negative thoughts about the whole thing. All I can do is put out as much positive energy as I can and hope for the best. So, that is what I am going to do.

So, like I said, I think I am going to try to adopt the "Wait and See" mentality into my life a lot more moving forward - it is kind of fun and kind of exciting to live in the moment and let things unfold as they are meant to. It is not something that I have ever really been good at doing but it is something I am going to continue to work on moving forward - I think it is really for the best. I don't know what is going to happen next for me but I am pretty sure that it is going to be great. How do I know? I don't know at all... I'll just have to wait and see. For now, though, what I need to do is go to sleep. It is 11:52pm and I really need to get rested up. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a pretty crazy day for me, considering I will probably be taking calls for the first time, (basically,) for the new markets. It is sure to be an interesting experience. I am kind of excited about and kind of dreading it at the same time. It will be fine. Everything will work out exactly as it is meant to. Just wait and see. Goodnight.