Chapter 365: You Can't Stop The Beat

Here we are. 365 days have passed. I know that I have said it a million times but I am truly shocked that I have made it this far with this whole project. I have never followed through on anything like this in my life. I have never set a long-term goal for myself like this, that actually involved a good deal of work, and actually managed to make it all the way to the end. Yet, here we are. 365 days have passed. So, this is it. It's a little crazy to really sit and consider all that has gone on in the past year of my life. Things are so different now than they were 365 days ago. I suppose that could really be said of any year-long period in my life but I really do feel like the changes in the past year have been so considerable and I am really thrilled with so much of my life at this point. Let's discuss that a little further.

As I have discussed in this blog before, when I first came up with the idea to do this blog every day for a year I was feeling very dissatisfied with a lot of different things going on in my life. I was in the same job that I am in now but I had a much more negative view of it at the time. I kind of had a much more negative view of life, in general, at the time. Halloween having just passed, I was thinking a lot about Halloween last year, which was just before the beginning of this blog. I remember last Halloween was spent at The Dark Side Comics & Games, with a few friends of mine. These people are mainly still my friends but at the time, on that particular evening in fact, I was feeling very frustrated with those relationships. I was feeling very much like I was a part of a group that I was never actually a part of. I don't know how to explain that exactly. It was as if I was a part of this group of friends but I didn't actually fit in to the group in any real way. It was a big source of frustration at the time and kind of led to a lot of feelings of isolation and loneliness. I hated that feeling. I also, as I mentioned, had a considerably more negative view of the world at the time. I talked a lot at the beginning of this blog, and all throughout it, about how I had lived a very different life back in 2007. In 2007 I discovered the book "The Secret," which focuses on the power of our thoughts and how thinking about positive things will create positive things in our lives, and did a very good job of living my life by it, with some truly amazing results. That whole thing kind of fell apart in the middle of 2008 and I struggled for a really long time to get it back. One of the most important things that I learned in the past year, though, is that the life I was living in 2007 wasn't based in reality. It was a fantasy. It is quite possible for life to be mainly positives but this isn't actually an entirely positive thing. You see, it is not the positive things in life that prove our worth and show us who we truly are and what we truly want out of life. You have to go through negative experiences, as well, or else you will never progress or grow in life. After all, we don't really learn from the things that go really great in our lives. Sure, it is wonderful for things to go well and it is certainly preferable for our lives to consist mainly of happy, positive experiences but they cannot consist only of those types of experiences. If they do, we are simply going to stay in one spot for the rest of our lives. This is one of the greatest lessons I could ever have learned and one of the things that I am most grateful to have learned throughout the course of this blog.

Another thing that I learned in the past year, and have discussed a lot lately, is how to be open to the outside world. As I mentioned, when I first started this blog I harbored a lot of feelings of loneliness and isolation from the outside world and the people in my life. I realized throughout the course of writing this blog that the reason for this really had very little to do with the people in my life at the time. The issue was really with me, and the fact that I had placed myself living in a world separate from everyone else. Somewhere along the way I retreated into my own head, made myself very comfortable there and closed myself off from the rest of the world. I mean, I didn't isolate myself literally - I am a very social person and couldn't imagine ever living in isolation in that sense. I was simply not open with the people that I surrounded myself with. Not only was I not open WITH the people in my life, though. I was also not entirely open TO the people in my life. I was comfortable in my own little world, free from the pain that comes with making a genuine connection with others and the vulnerability that comes with it, and I refused to let anybody else inside. This was something that had gone on for years prior to the start of this blog. In fact, if I really think about it I could probably say that it had been going on throughout my entire life. I can't honestly say that it is 100% over now but it is something that I have finally become conscious of and am actively trying to stop myself from doing ever again. I feel like I have a really amazing group of people in my life right now, (which I have said, and has been the case, many times in the past,) but people who I am really giving myself to and who I am allowing to give to me of themselves, as well. Essentially, I have a group of people in my life right now who I am allowing myself to make an actual connection with. Sure, as I mentioned before, I am leaving myself vulnerable to being hurt by any of these people but I finally understand how much it is actually worth the risk of that. I really couldn't be more grateful for every single person in my life at this point. This includes a few really amazing new people, a couple of people I have known for years but had never really been open to before, a few of those friends who I mentioned from when I first started this blog and, of course, the people who know me the best, like my family. I am really extremely blessed in my life. I couldn't possibly feel more grateful for all of the people in my life at this point and am really excited to move forward with all of them.

Along with that change, I also have to make mention of the concept of love, in the romantic sense. At the start of this blog love was the last thing on my mind. It was truly at the very bottom of my list of priorities. I had this idea in my head at the time that it simply wasn't as important as most other things in life. As anyone who has followed this blog must know, my view on that has done a complete 180. Love, in the romantic sense, has become the very top of my list of priorities. I can't really explain what has brought on this change in me but I have somehow come to realize how immensely important it is to have somebody to share yourself and your life with. Actually, I really can tell you what has brought on the change in my view on this, I just wasn't sure that I wanted to because it is really... honest. You see, I have always been kind of closed off to the whole idea of romantic love until it, or something like it that I can fool myself with for a while, shows up at my door. I understand now that the reason for this is that I was always deathly afraid that it would never happen for me. I have lived my entire life up to this point with the fear that I would never find somebody in this world who would love and accept me in the way that one must in order to carry out the type of relationship that lasts. Even after the relationships I have been in I have always found myself thinking, "Well, that didn't work out because that type of thing is just not meant for me." That is an absolutely ridiculous concept looking back on it. Love is meant for everybody. We all can find it out there. Everybody has an equal opportunity for it and each and every person in this world is deserving of it. Even me. I don't know what it was exactly that made me see this but I couldn't possibly be more grateful for it. Sure, I have yet to find that love for myself but I know that it is coming for me. I have complete faith that it is going to happen. All I have to do is remain open to it. I have realized recently, through interactions with somebody who has come into my life in the past couple of months, that I am still completely capable of opening myself up to it and feeling the feelings of it. Sure, this particular situation with this particular person is probably not the one that I have been looking for but I can definitely say that it has served me extremely well. I don't know where it is actually going, if anywhere, but it has definitely helped me to realize that I am open to finding it at this point. That is also something that I am extremely grateful for.

So, we've covered the past and the present - let's discuss the future a little bit. As far as the future, on a grander scale, I really have no idea what is going to happen. For the first time in my entire life, my goals for the future are incredibly unclear. That is one of the biggest developments for me, personally, over the past year. I spent my entire life up to this point with only one major goal in my life. I always had an extremely clear vision of what my life was meant to be. I always knew, much more than anything else I could ever have known, that I was placed in this world to become a musician and be an inspiration to others through music. I never had a single doubt that this was what I was meant to do with my life and always had complete faith that somehow, some way, it would wind up happening. Through developing passions for other forms of art and really taking a step back to examine what was truly important to me in life, I have come to realize that this may not be what my life was meant for... at least, not exactly. What my goal really was all of this time really had nothing to do with music. Music was actually just the medium that I connected with most and felt the most passionate about. What I really wanted, and what I still know with absolute certainty is the purpose of my existence, is to be an inspiration to others. I have come to realize that music is not the only medium I could use to do that. In fact, I have come to realize that music isn't even the medium that I am best equipped to use to achieve that purpose. Music is something that I always have been, and always will be, extremely passionate about but I don't think it is actually what I am meant to do with my life at this point. I'm not sure what actually is but I know that I will figure it out somehow and I will fulfill the purpose of my life and be an inspiration to people all over the world. As far as the immediate future, I have already announced here that I have two new blogs coming up very soon, Messy Little Raindrops and Beauty In The Mirror, which I am very excited about. As far as when those blogs will begin - I am not 100% certain. I have kind of made the decision that I am going to take the remainder of the month of November off from blogging. This is only a tentative decision at this point, though. At least, it is only tentative for Messy Little Raindrops, which will serve as my new personal blog. It is really a matter of what goes on in my life this month. If there is anything major that happens in my life that I really feel the need to write about I will likely go ahead and start that blog early. After all, the point of that blog is to document the "messy little raindrops" that life can bring. So, basically, when that blog begins is really dependent upon the "weather." As far as Beauty In The Mirror, my fashion/beauty blog, I am shooting for a December 1st launch simply because I want to give myself a little time to do some further research and planning for that blog. I really just don't want to be some random kid on the internet who thinks they know what they are doing with makeup and that they can tell others what to do. I feel like, while I always have room to grow, I really know what I am doing with this stuff and have a lot of insight to offer to the world about it. Still, I feel the need to do further research and planning to make sure that I am fully equipped to start this thing at full speed and presenting my thoughts and ideas about beauty in a way that will come across in an interesting, insightful and professional manner. I just really want that blog to have much more of an editorial feel than any of the writing I have done before. I want it to be a real deal beauty resource for people. So, that will take some work.

Of course I also have to mention the fact that on this, the very last day of this blog, my computer decided to take a full-blown shit. It is dead. I don't know exactly what the issue is but it seems a little beyond repair. That computer has been on it's last leg for a long time now, anyway. So, my plan is to go next weekend, when I get paid again, and buy a brand new computer from Aaron's, the rent-to-own place where my Mom and I got the furniture for our apartment from. As much as it sucks that my computer has taken a shit and I have no clue how to recover all of the files on it, I am really excited by the prospect of getting a brand new computer. After all, computers are pretty essential to life nowadays, and especially my life. I can't really maintain the two new blogs without a proper computer to do it on. I do just find it really fascinating that the computer, which has been on it's way out for ages, finally bit the big one on the very last day of the blog. I have found myself thinking sometimes that I have kind of worked really hard over the past year with this blog and everything and have had moments where I kind of wanted to just shut down and not come back up but I never stopped to think about the fact that my computer has been through a lot over the past year, and the past 8 years that we have had it, and that it may need to shut down, as well. I am just really happy that it held off for as long as it did. That is a very good thing and I am really grateful for it.

So, this is it. The end. I do just want to take a moment to express my immeasurable amount of gratitude to everyone who has followed this blog over the past year, whether sporadically or every day. It really means more than you could ever imagine to know that there are people who care enough to follow my thoughts and feelings and the goings on of my life for an entire year. It is more than I could ever possibly express. Thanks so much to all of you. I also want to express my immeasurable gratitude to everybody who has been a part of my life over the past year because, more than any of you realize I'm sure, you have been the ones who have inspired so much of what I have done and what I have learned about life and about myself over the past year. You really have no idea how much you all mean to me - whether you are somebody who I speak with and spend time with every single day or somebody who has simply come in and out of my life on occasion, your part in my life is something that I am extremely grateful for. I couldn't possibly find enough words to truly express how much I appreciate you all. I love you. Thanks so much for following along with this story. Now, though, the story is over. The time has come for Raindrops to fall instead.

The end.

Chapter 364: The Night Before (Life Goes On)

Of course it would happen that, on the day before the last day of the blog, I would pass out on the couch without writing a blog. I don't know what to say about the fact that this happened. I would say that it is just me trying to sabotage this project at the last moment but it's a little too late for that and I am sitting down to do it now, so it's not actually been sabotaged. I don't know. This isn't exactly how I had planned for the night before my last blog to be but I am going to make it work. Yesterday was a very long day. It was my first full day of taking calls for the new market, which was very unusual for me. Why was it so unusual? Because it was BUSY! I spent pretty much all day being on calls, as opposed to how it has been for the past several months where I have long periods of time between each call. It was a little hectic but I was okay with it. The day passed pretty quickly because of it and it kept my mind off of things that have been bothering/concerning me recently, like the fact that two of my best friends and my sister are all extremely sick in ways that really worry me. I'm sure that in all of these cases everyone is going to be alright, but it is definitely worrying me at this point. I also have been worrying a bit about this other situation that could possibly wind up with one of my nearest and dearest friends going away for a long time. I am trying really hard to be positive about the whole thing and I am really not all that concerned about it. It is one of those things where I use the completely random, nonsensical logic of "I don't have a bad feeling about it so nothing bad is going to happen." This logic, while not being all that logical, has served me well throughout my life so far. It's true that in most cases where something really bad was going to happen I did have a bad feeling beforehand, and in most situations that caused concern that I didn't have a bad feeling about things turned out okay. So, I am really keeping my fingers crossed and putting my faith into this whole concept. I'm pretty certain that everything is going to be fine. Still, last night I had a very dear friend of mine over who is also closely related to the situation and we were both lamenting on what exactly it would be like if this situation doesn't go well and how we both would handle it. I really don't think that she would handle it well at all. Like, it REALLY worries me how she would handle it. What also really worries me is how I would handle it. I know that it wouldn't be well, either, but it is something that I don't think anybody would ever realize. I say that because I don't think I would let anybody see exactly how hard I would take it. I don't even know exactly how I would respond but I know that it definitely wouldn't be well. I would be a mess and I would keep it all internalized in order to be strong for the other people involved. My friend and I both agreed that should things go badly with this situation we will have to be there for each other as much as possible. We also both agreed, though, that nothing is going to go wrong and we won't have to worry about any of this anyway. I really do believe that this will be the case. Everything will work out perfectly fine. I am sure of it.

So, aside from that, I don't really know what to say here. I feel like I should be in much more of a reflective place here at the end of this blog but that just isn't how I'm feeling right now. I don't honestly know how I am feeling right now. It has been a crazy week in a number of ways and I am finding myself really wrapped up in what's going on in the moment than reflecting upon what's gone on in the past. That's a good thing, I think. I have always said that I want to live in the moment more and I feel like I am much more than I ever have before. It's funny how little that seems to mean now that it's actually happening. I mean, it is a good thing and I can see a difference in my life but it doesn't feel as different as I would have thought. I mean, it kind of does but... I don't know how to explain what I am trying to say here. Maybe I should spend the day reflecting a bit more on what has gone on over the past year. After all, I have to write the final post for this blog tonight and it only seems right to use that post to look back on what this whole project has meant for me and my life. I don't know how I am even going to begin to write that post, honestly. I'll get it done, though.

It is a really strange thing to try to explain but I am feeling like I am in a really positive place right now but like I am also in kind of a dark place. Dark and positive are not necessarily opposites, I think. In general, they don't really go together but, in this case, they do. It's kind of like I am in a really good place internally - my mind and my emotional state are kind of stronger than ever. It's more a matter of me feeling like I am exploring the world in a much different, somewhat darker way than I have in a long time. I am kind of looking at some of the seedier, darker sides of life lately, but I am looking at them in much more of a positive way. I don't know what the fuck I am trying to explain here. This morning I am in much more of a weird place than I am in life in general because there are a couple of things that I am really concerned about. I am trying to chill myself out but it is proving more difficult than I expected it to be. So, I am going to go ahead and end this blog here. Then, about 12 hours or so from now, I will be back to make the FINAL post in this blog. The last chapter is nigh. It's going to be weird but it's going to be great. Have a great day!

Chapter 363: Wait and See

Today was a strange day. This has been a very strange week for me, honestly. I didn't plan out the ending of this blog very well at all. I guess it makes sense because I didn't really anticipate when starting this blog that I would be partying as much at this point in my life. It has made me stop to think a LOT about where my life is right now in comparison to where it was in the time leading up to the start of this blog. As we all know, I have discovered along the way that the real goal that was achieved in the past year, or the biggest difference that was made, is the fact that I have gone from living inside my own head and being closed off to the world to being immensely more open and comfortable with myself and the world that I live in. Aside from that, though, I feel like I have learned to LET GO and just have fun with my life sometimes. I still have my serious moments, for sure, and I am just as emotional as I have ever been, (if not more, in some ways,) but I never really expected that I would be able to let go and live in the moment as much as I have been recently and I feel extremely grateful for it. Sure, I recognize the fact that I have been making some unhealthy, and possibly less than positive, decisions here lately, (especially this past week,) but I honestly feel like it has been a very psoitive change in me. When I think about this time last year the main thing that sticks out to me is the feeling of being extremely unsatisfied with so many of the situations in my life at the time. I remember the friendships I was in at the time, some that remain and some that have kind of disappeared, and how much I really felt in pretty much all of them that I was not getting what I need. I remember a deep, deep feeling of loneliness. I felt like I didn't have anyone in this world who had my back. I don't really know how to explain this feeling exactly but I just had this strong feeling of emptiness and being completely alone. I love the fact that I no longer have that feeling in my life. I've got friends and family who make me feel special and loved and like I really have a place in this world right now. These are all people that I absolutely love and appreciate and try my very best to make also feel special and loved and like they have a place in this world, as well. I am so immensely grateful to all of these people in my life. I couldn't have imagined that I would have such a bond and a connection to people at this point in my life, particularly after the place I was in when I started this blog, where I felt so disconnected from the world. It is an absolutely beautiful place I am in right now and I couldn't possibly feel any more grateful for it. Like that Lindsay Lohan song I referenced in the blog recently, "A Beautiful Life." It really is.

Work was a little crazy for me today. It all started out in a really boring way. Wednesdays are my email day at work, which I didn't do last week because I wasn't there. You see, I work in a call center and the main function of my job is to answer phones. We are the customer service line for a company and handle all kinds of different customer issues. We have for the longest time only really dealt with one market, in the state of Georgia, but recently had taken on a couple of other markets, Ohio and Pennsylvania, that was being handled by a department that I am not in or really much related to. Still, I had a little bit of experience with this market when I first started working there as a temp. I was actually a little put off by the fact that, considering my progression in this job in the past almost two years, I was not initially considered when they were selecting people to serve as the team leads or floor walkers for this new department. I assumed that this was because I was considered too valuable to the department I am already in. Nobody ever told me this but it is the assumption that I made. I thought after not being asked to do it when it first started again that I was pretty safe from the whole thing and could just be secure in the position I am already in. Well, today I watched one of my co-workers get pulled into the office of our program manager, (aka, our "main" boss,) and then I saw my program manager come up behind me like he needed to talk to me. I got a call before he could say anything. He took another of my co-workers into the office while I was on the phone. I wasn't sure what was going on exactly but I was concerned that there may have been some sort of drama going on that I was somehow getting dragged into. The co-worker who I first saw getting pulled into the office was one who I get along with but have had some issues with in the past that were never fully resolved. I mean, we talk and we get along fine for the most part, so I couldn't imagine that there was any sort of issue with him that I would be involved in at all. I really had no idea what it could be about. I didn't have to wait long to find out, though. When I got pulled into the office I had no idea what to expect. I received a good bit of praise for the time since I have been back working there and how they really needed somebody like me, who could pick things up quickly and really excel at all the different departments I have worked in there, to help out in the new markets. He made it out to be just a little cross-training for moments when they need a little extra help on their phones or whatever. I told them I would be happy to help out and was actually kind of excited to try out something different. Still, once I started getting trained for it I quickly came to realize that not everybody seemed to be on the same page about this whole "just helping out sometimes" thing. I wasn't sure how to feel about that initially but the longer I sat there in the midst of it all the more I kind of thought that this could be an okay thing. Actually, in a lot of ways, I think it could turn out to be a really positive move. I have pretty well decided not to try to fight it or anything at this point because I think I could actually wind up being really happy with the way that it works out. I'm not 100% certain yet but I have a pretty good feeling about the whole thing. We shall see. It definitely made for an odd day, though, because I was told about the whole thing then, not even an hour later, was in training for it and only about 2 hours after that was listening to somebody else take calls on it. I only wound up getting to take one call of my own today and it really didn't go great but it didn't go terribly, either. I don't think I will have any problem with it. Plus, I got to spend most of the day sitting by a very good friend of mine who is normally all the way across the room, so that was kind of fun. It wasn't a bad day, by any means. I definitely have some hesitation about some of the implications of the whole thing but, aside from that, I am okay with it all. In fact, I am almost downright pleased with it all.

I also got a piece of news today about a very good friend of mine that I found very disheartening. I am not going to say who it is or what exactly the news was but I will say that I am not at all pleased with this. The jist of it, though, is that something bad may be happening and this person may be going away for a while. There is a chance that it may not happen - we will just have to wait and see. I am really trying my best to be positive about the whole thing, because that is my automatic response to negative situations, but I am also feeling really worried about the whole thing. I am trying really hard to make it a point to be around this person a lot and such and show that I am really there for them and such. It is just a really sad situation and I am really going to miss this person if things don't go well. We shall see, though. Once again, we will just have to wait and see. I keep saying that - have to wait and see. It reminds me of that song by Anouk, called "Wait and See." The first verse, and my favorite section of the song, says, "I feel completely disconnected from the world I'm living in, I try to understand the way I'm thinking, Keep all options open, I'd rather wait and see what's gonna happen next, Yeah I like to wait and see." This is a concept that I am going to try to adopt more into my life - it really applies to a lot of different situations in my life right now, honestly. I could apply those lyrics to my job, to the situation I was talking about in last night's blog and a million others. Of course, it doesn't really apply to the topic I had been talking about before getting sidetracked by thoughts of this song. I'm just going to try my best to remain as positive as possible about it and flush out all negative thoughts about the whole thing. All I can do is put out as much positive energy as I can and hope for the best. So, that is what I am going to do.

So, like I said, I think I am going to try to adopt the "Wait and See" mentality into my life a lot more moving forward - it is kind of fun and kind of exciting to live in the moment and let things unfold as they are meant to. It is not something that I have ever really been good at doing but it is something I am going to continue to work on moving forward - I think it is really for the best. I don't know what is going to happen next for me but I am pretty sure that it is going to be great. How do I know? I don't know at all... I'll just have to wait and see. For now, though, what I need to do is go to sleep. It is 11:52pm and I really need to get rested up. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a pretty crazy day for me, considering I will probably be taking calls for the first time, (basically,) for the new markets. It is sure to be an interesting experience. I am kind of excited about and kind of dreading it at the same time. It will be fine. Everything will work out exactly as it is meant to. Just wait and see. Goodnight.

Chapter 362: Situation Can’t Go Right

So, it is 11:35pm and I am just starting tonight’s blog. That is bad. I am also somewhat intoxicated right now. That is also bad, in terms of writing tonight’s blog. I have officially dubbed yesterday night my “disco nap.” For those who are not privy to gay slang, a “disco nap” is when you take a nap between parties or drinking/drug sessions to kind of build your energy back up in order to party even more. Okay, so there wasn’t an actual party tonight. In fact, it was really more a matter of randomly finding remnants from the party on the weekend and deciding to get fucked up with them. You see, there is this thing that I did completely at random a few times recently and have kind of become really into. This thing, (I am not going to say what it is because it is incriminating but I will say that it involves gardening,) is something that I had done in the past – actually, I had done quite a bit of it in the past – but had long since forgotten and hadn’t really paid any attention to/had any interest in doing in a very long time. Still, it popped up recently and I have kind of fallen in love with it. Well, not exactly fallen in love, but have come to really rediscover the joys that it can bring. Well, there were a few people at my party this weekend who shared my interest in doing this whole thing and so we all enjoyed it together. Well, I happened to find a very small amount of this stuff left in my bedroom this evening – enough to have a good time with, though. So, my friend who was over and I both decided to enjoy it together again. It was fun. Once we did that, though, we also both decided to drink some of the beers and hunch punch that was leftover from the weekend, as well. So, we got a little fucked up and chilled in front of my TV and talked about all kinds of random things. It was a really fun night.

One of the main things we talked about, or I talked about, was this situation that has been a bit of a focus in my life recently and may have revealed itself to be even more relevant to my life right now than I had even realized before. It is one of those things that I have realized all along was not really a positive situation in my life – it is not going to help me to achieve the goals that I have set for myself in any way. In fact, it could actually wind up hurting those goals in the long run. It also has the potential to actually meet those goals, as well. Okay, that was really just me trying to be optimistic and talk myself into things. Actually, I don’t really need to talk myself into anything – I have already made my mind up about it all. I have recognized that it is not a positive situation and really does not have any real potential to go right… but it is also something that I know that I am going to pursue in spite of all the reasons why I shouldn’t. I don’t really think it is something that I am going to be able to stop myself from doing. It is just what is going to happen. Of course, I am being really vague and only really speaking hypothetically at this point, anyway, but I just have this feeling that I can see exactly what is going to happen right in front of me. Like I said, though, I know that this situation can’t go right – it is HIGHLY unlikely. Still, it is something that I want to happen, in spite of knowing that it can’t go right. I just hate the idea of moving forward in life without having taken the chance on it. It’s all really fucked up and there are so many different variations on the whole thing and I really have no idea what is going to happen. Like I said, I have a pretty strong feeling about what will happen but I don’t know for certain. I don’t know anything for certain at this point. That is probably the worst part. I hate these types of things. They drive me crazy.

Anyway, it is now 12:06am and I really need to get to bed. It has been a long day. Not a bad one but a long one. This weekend was a lot of fun and tonight was a lot of fun but I really need to take a break from all this drinking for a little bit. I will definitely not be drinking tomorrow night – that is certain. All I have left in my fridge, in terms of alcohol drinks, is beer and I really won’t go straight to that if I am in the mood for a drink. At least, not if I am just chilling at home alone. I’ve decided recently that beer is not terrible to drink socially. I don’t think I could ever be one of those people who comes home from a long day at work and cracks open a beer or whatever. That’s some man stuff. I don’t do that much man stuff. No, beer is not my personal preference and I don’t think it ever will be. Still, it is alright for a night out or having people over, especially if there isn’t anything else. Definitely not for tomorrow night, though. Tomorrow night is all about just chilling at home and being sober. Tonight, on the other hand, is about to be all about sleeping. Goodnight.

Chapter 361: Waiting

Mondays are not actually something that I have a problem with, in general, but today was not a Monday like any other. One of the very first thoughts that crossed my mind when I woke up this morning was, and I quote, "Whoever made November 1st a Monday this year needs to go die in a fucking fire." Of course, a large part of this has to do with the fact that I drank an immense amount of alcohol last night, and the night before, and only slept about 3 hours before waking up. Did I also mention that when I woke up it was after 7am and I was supposed to have been ready early this morning? Did I also mention the fact that when I woke up I was still pretty much drunk? One of the other first thoughts to run through my mind was, "I should call in sick." I REALLY wanted to call in sick today. I thought about it a little bit and knew that I couldn't. I had told a couple of my friends who I was hanging out with last night that I wouldn't call in today and I really didn't want to hear about it from them if I did, or from my sister or her girlfriend, who were supposed to pick me up to go to work this morning. When I woke up I thought a LOT about it but, again, I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to be like that deleted scene from the "Mean Girls" DVD, where Miss Norbury tells Cady, "I'm really disappointed in you." I don't know what it is exactly but I really have a hard time dealing with hearing things like that from my sister. This is precisely why, once I did get to work, I avoided her like the plague. I kind of avoided talking to most people for most of the day because even after the leftover buzz had gone away I spent the rest of the day just feeling like shit. It was Halloween weekend, though, and it was really the best Halloween weekend I have ever had in my entire life. It was totally 100% worth the horror that was today. I had so much fun all weekend and am incredibly grateful to the people who helped to make it all happen and to make it all so fucking awesome! I don't know if anybody remembers my drunken video blog about how I wanted to turn my life into a Ke$ha song but I feel like I really managed to achieve a weekend that was a bit like a Ke$ha song and have come to realize that maybe containing that sort of lifestyle to random weekends here and there is a better plan. I definitely couldn't do that all the time... but I could also definitely stand to do it a lot more often!

I don't know how much I really got into about last night, (I have yet to actually read through what must have been the drunken trainwreck of a blog I posted last night,) but it was a lot of fun! Rachel & I, in spite of our initial plans not to do anything on Sunday, decided to go to a party that my friends, Arielle & Jessie, were throwing. They had told me about it beforehand and I told them that I would try to make it to but I wasn't sure about because I wasn't sure how I would get there or anything. Still, I really wanted to go because I fucking love those kids. They have become two of my favorite people that I know. Plus, aside from Rachel, they were the very first people to show up to my party and the very last ones to leave. It just seemed like one of those things where these two were so supportive of my party & being such a comfort when I was freaking out that nobody would show up. So, it only seemed right that I should be just as supportive of them throwing a party. So, when I got a call from Rachel yesterday afternoon being like, "So, what's up with their party?" I was immediately like, "You want to go? Let's go!" So, I threw myself together for my fourth and final Halloween look, which was just regular clothes, (light blue jeans & a pink heather v-neck,) with another look using this weekend's makeup theme. I don't know if I really explained this weekend's makeup theme here in the blog but I fucking loved it! The looks for my Halloween costumes and the looks I did for the party last night and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" on Friday night all shared one common thread - BRIGHT colors on the cheekbones and up through the temples. It was kind of like where one would normally place bronzer to give themselves a super tanned glow, only in this case I was using those extremely pigmented Sugarpill Cosmetics eyeshadows, in Dollipop and Flamepoint. I mean, all four of the looks were extremely dramatic and a lot of fun but the main link between them all was the bright colors along the cheekbones and temples. I don't want to sit here and blab about my makeup for too much longer but my favorite part of the whole thing is the fact that the bright colors along the cheekbones & temples kind of stems from the eyes - it all connects to the eyes somewhere. I really loved the way all four of these looks came out, although I think the one I did last night was my favorite. It incorporated more colors than the rest of the looks and I think almost had a sort of "Carnivale" vibe to it.

Anyway, Rachel and I kind of dicked around for a while before heading over to the party. I had a glass of the leftover Hunch Punch from Saturday night and filled a water bottle up with it, (Ke$ha style,) and took it with me. Once we got there, I drank that bottle of Hunch Punch in a matter of minutes, then moved on to beer. I NEVER drink beer but I decided to say "fuck it" and go for it because it was all that they had there. Beer, I never quite realized, gets you fucked up really quickly! It goes straight to your head - at least, that's what it did to me. We got there around 9pm and only stayed til around midnight, when they kicked everybody out in order to attempt to not be too unable to function today at work. It was a really smart idea. Unfortunately for me, I came home and had two more drinks while I wrote last night's blog.

I wound up only sleeping for like three hours and, as I mentioned before, woke up still kind of drunk. I also woke up about 90 minutes late and only about 30 minutes before I was supposed to be picked up. I immediately went into a bit of panic and wasted a long time trying to figure out where I should start getting ready to go. So, I grabbed clothes, headed into the bathroom and got dressed and did hair and makeup. Since I was in such a rush, I decided to try something that I had never actually tried taking out in public before - a makeup look without eyeshadow. I put on my Stila One Step Makeup and concealer in a few trouble spots, smudged some black eyeliner along my upper and lower lash lines, two coats of mascara, a little blush and lip balm, and considered myself done. Oddly enough, in spite of the simplicity of it, it was not the quickest makeup look I have ever done. I was really surprised, though, that I didn't feel more self-conscious about it. Of course, I was having enough issues this morning and throughout the day that the lack of makeup was the last thing on my mind. I was much more focused on spending all day thinking, "Holy crap, I should have called in sick," and "Oh my God, I am going to die here. I can't make it through this day." It was a big mess. Still, I DID make it through the day and without too much trouble. Eventually, around 3-4pm, I started feeling a little bit better than I had the rest of the day. I still made it a point to kind of keep to myself for the day, though, because I was still a mess and I didn't really want to showcase that too much to the people I work with, (although, the ones who saw me over the weekend wound up seeing plenty of it.) I was really glad when the day was over and I could just come home. My automatic instinct when I got home was to pass out but I fought it off. I mean, I sat in one spot pretty much the entire evening but I didn't fall asleep. I also made myself some dinner because I feel like I spent the entire weekend eating nothing but chips and dip. The main reason I feel that way, I think, is because I actually did spend the entire weekend eating chips and dip and not much else. I couldn't be bothered to prepare any meals or anything, and there were chips and dip everywhere I turned, so I just kept eating them instead of eating actual food. This is a very unhealthy way to spend a weekend, I think, but so was the rest of the way I spent the weekend - drinking and stuff. No harm no foul, I suppose. It was good to eat some actual food tonight, though. Actually, I don't know that I made much of an improvement because I had some leftover chilli and a cup of noodles for dinner. It was still more sustenance than I had gotten over the entire weekend. Then I watched a re-run of "The A-List: New York" and zoned out.

There is one other thing I wanted to discuss here a little bit. After just feeling like shit all day, I came home and mainly zoned out. I did have a little burst of inspiration, though, in which I tried out something very new and different, yet familiar and natural, to me - writing poetry. I did not write a song - there was no melody to it, no tune or cleverly hiding syllables in order to make things fit where I need them to. It was kind of odd but also really liberating for me to write out my feelings without trying to work within the confines of songwriting. I mean, I know that songwriting can be pretty free form, as well, and I have done a lot of that. This was different, though - I just kind of let it come out as it happened to come. I mean, I still gave it a rhyme scheme and everything but none of it was dumbed down or reworded in order to fit into the mold of a song. The poem itself, though, was an extremely therapeutic experience for me. It is called "If Situations Were Different," and the whole concept is that I am playing a game called "If Situations Were Different," in which I kind of let out all of the stuff that I have been thinking about lately, except thinking about what it would be without considering any of the repercussions or real life circumstances surrounding the whole thing. This is something that I have found myself doing fairly often lately, so this song coming out seemed terribly appropriate. Writing this poem, however, threw me into a bit of an emotional tailspin for a while. The poem ends with the lines, "If situations were different... but situations aren't different. They're not. You're still you and I'm still me and everybody else is still everybody else. You're still you. I'm still me. Alone." It is true. No matter how much I sit here and dream about what could have been or what could be if situations were different, it doesn't actually make an ounce of difference - situations are not different. There is this song on the new Cheryl Cole record that really captures my feelings on this matter. The song is my absolute favorite track on her album, "Messy Little Raindrops," and the album's closing track, "Waiting." The chorus of this song says it all quite simply - "Waiting around all of the time, waiting around all of the time for you to get it right, Waiting around all of the time, waiting around all of the time for you and something to believe in." Aside from being an incredible song all on it's own, this song has become my very favorite track on this album because I can just relate to it so much. That is kind of how I feel about a certain situation in my life right now - I am just waiting around all of the time for somebody to get it right. Maybe they will someday. Maybe they won't. At this point, it is nothing more than a tiny little, messy little raindrop. Raindrops, on the other hand, can form giant puddles. On the other hand, though, rain can hit the soil just right and something can grown from those raindrops. I don't know what this one is quite yet but I know that it is driving me nuts sometimes. It is driving me nuts just "waiting around all of the time." It could wind up being worth it, though - you never know.

Anyway, it is 11:05pm and I really need to get to bed. I took a Sominex sleep aid earlier and I am really starting to feel it. I am very grateful, though, for the fact that a day like today is finally over and that there isn't any of it that a good night's sleep can't "fix." So, I fully intend to go get one of those good night's sleeps for myself. Goodnight.

Chapter 360: That's The Way It Is

OMG so let me preface this blog post by saying that I am really fucked up right now. I mean, I'm slowly sobering up but not actually being sober yet. It's weird, right? I don't know. Unlike the past two days when I was fucked up or whatever, I can'lt push tonight's blog off to tomorrow morning because I won't have time for it. I have to do this now, even though I am really in no condition to be doing this now. I think I am going to have ONE more drink before I fall sleep, to help me fall asleep better or something. I still have hunch punch from my party and I may as well be drinking a little bit more of it before bed. Right? There is no harm in that, I don't think. So, initially the plan was that I had to have some party on Saturday night & then have recovery time on Sunday. The issue is that I still was drunk when I got up Sunday morning. No harm, no fowl, though. But then I remembered that two of my fucking BFFs were having a party tonight & I was invited. I wasn't sure if I would go because I wasn't sure if I would have a ride over there or how I would get home, but I figured it out and I went over there and drank like 3 or 4 beers and a water bottle full of hunch punch and the hunch punch I'm drinking right now and some other stuff. It was a mess in all the best ways and I am so glad that I did it. It was fun! Halloween is amazing! I have decided that this year has been the best Halloween ever because I have spent this whole weekend being fucking shitty and having a fucking good time and using the f word in my blog a LOT! There's some other stuff that I would totally talk about but it's a fucking secret. Like a "don't say this in the blog" type secret, cos' people will know. So, secrets are safe with me - even when I am drunk as fuck.

there are only 5 days left of this blog now and I don't even understand what I am writing here. It is crazy! I am wasting away the last days of my blog getting all fucked up. At the same time, though, isn't that what this whole blog was about in the first place? Not about getting fucked up but about going out and living my fucking life and shit. It IS! I needed to fucking get a life really bad anyway so it is good that I'm fucking doing stuff in the world right now. I mean, right now I'm not doing anything good in the world, I'm just fucking getting fucked up but that IS something that I'm doing in the world. Living life. Livin' La Vida Loca or some shit. Ricky Martin is a homosexual. There are a lot of us out in the world. Some are super obvious, like me, but some are hidden. Some don't even realize it about themselves. Some are fuking lost. I feel bad for them. I don't want them to get left behind in this world. It makes me so sad. On the way home, in the car, my iPod played that song by Celine Dion, "That's The Way It Is," and while I was listening to that song I was like, "HOLY SHIT, THAT's the fucking truth!!!" Really, it is. Don't give up on your faith. Love comes to those who believe it & that's the way it is. It is fucking true. I have not given up on my faith. Sure, it's not going in the direction I want it to yet but I believe in it - I have faith in it. Love is coming to me and I can't wait! Sure, I hate waiting around but at the same time, I know that it will be worth waiting for. Fucking magic. Fucking fireworks and shit. It is totally happening and it is going to be fucking beautiful. I am so excited. For now, though, I have to finish my drink and go to bed. If I am not ready in the morning my sister is going to kill me. I almost wish that I could call in sick tomorrow but I totally cannot. It just can't happen. So, I'd better get to bed. Goodnight! Bottom's up! No, wait... I'm a bottom. Bottom's down!

Chapter 359: The Wind Beneath My Wings

It is Sunday morning, 9:33am, and I am awake. This is QUITE unusual, considering the fact that last night was SUCH A FUCKING MESS! I don't know how to explain that exactly but I kind of mean it in a good way and a bad way at the same time. You see, for anyone who managed to forget after the past several days of this blog, last night was my Halloween party! I spent the bulk of the daytime yesterday just doing random last minute cleaning and spent a long time working on the second version of my costume, which kind of became a big mess throughout the process. The pants ripped and the black shirt that I bought to go over my red fishnet shirt was ruined when I kept cutting a little too much and wound up falling apart completely. So, I wound up deciding to live a little and just wore the fishnet shirt on it's own. For the first portion of the evening feeling kind of self-conscious about this and covering my nipples every time I stopped and thought of it, which wasn't all that often - nowhere near as often as I would have liked, honestly. I also spent a long time working on the makeup for the second version of my costume because I had decided to reimagine it a little bit at the last minute. You see, inspiration kind of struck me on Friday night when Rachel & I were at "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" & I went with this whole new Dr. Frank N. Furter element to the look, which I really enjoyed. I liked the way it came out a lot, although it didn't take long for that to wind up getting smudged & fucked up looking, from what I understand.

So, as the day wore on I found myself falling more and more into the Martha Plimpton "200 Cigarettes" frame of mind, where I was obsessively sitting around being like "OMG NOBODY IS COMING!!!" I had made my mind up beforehand, though, that there were only like 4 people required to show up in order for me to have a good night, & those 4 people were all amongst the earliest arrivals, so I was okay with it. I didn't have a HUGE turnout but I was pretty happy with the people who did turn up, I think. The thing is, there were only 4 people here, aside from myself, until around 9pm and to combat my feelings of paranoia that nobody was going to show up I decided to start drinking the Hunch Punch really early. Hunch Punch, for those who don't know, is basically a big mashup of different liquors and different fruit juices combined to make a big fruity mess. Seriously, the beauty of the Hunch Punch is the fact that you can't really taste the liquor in it at all but there is a LOT of it in there. So, you don't really notice what's happening there until it hits you. I drank a LOT of that stuff before more people started showing up, so by the time they did I was already in one of those places where I didn't entirely understand everything that was going on. What I did understand, though, was the fact that people actually showed up to my party. In fact, a bunch of people I didn't even know showed up. I was okay with it, though, because, like I mentioned before, I didn't have a whole lot of understanding of what was going on around me by this time. It wasn't until my sister arrived, which was actually pretty late, that I realized exactly how fucked up I really was. I don't know what it is exactly but she has a way of making me very aware of myself when I am out of control or just generally being a mess, which was definitely the case last night. So, once she got here I started to realize how much of a mess I was but this was also when I started to realize how much of a mess everybody else was. It's a funny thing, honestly, because amongst most of my friends in the past and such I have always been used to being the drunkest person in the room, so I just kind of assumed that this was the case last night as well, but once I started looking around a little bit more I realized that there were a few other people who were right there with me. I also realized then how much it may have been necessary to be concerned about people. I had told 3 people before the party that they were welcome to crash here if they needed and those were really the only 3 people I felt entirely comfortable having in my house while I was sleeping. So, when I started noticing how fucked up a lot of people were I became slightly concerned. Fortunately for me, I was in a place by this point where I REALLY didn't understand anything that was happening. I don't know how fortunate this was for my best friend & co-host, Rachel. I actually don't know how yesterday evening would have gone had it not been for Rachel. I didn't actually realize until around this time how NOT drunk Rachel was. She kept all her shit together & kept the whole party under control. Seriously, I couldn't possibly feel more grateful for Rachel last night - she was my fucking hero for the evening - the wind beneath my wings & shit. I honestly could not appreciate her part of the whole thing more. She really kept things under control in a way that I could not possibly have done. I couldn't really say enough great things about Rachel last night, or in general. She is my BFF. I do feel really bad, though, that she didn't even get fucked up. She stayed sober, pretty much, the entire night. I just feel bad that she wasn't able to let loose and go nuts like I did. She said it was fine and that she probably would have been that way regardless of whether or not I was as shit-faced as I was. Still, I hate that she had to spend even a portion of her evening wrangling me & keeping me under control, aside from everybody else who was here.

So, the place kind of started clearing out somewhere between 1-2am and, after a minor issue with getting a guy out who made Rachel really uncomfortable, it was down to myself, Rachel & the 2 other people who I told could crash here. We were all kind of fucked up but winding down. We all decided that we were starving & needed food. We were initially going to just cook something here but we had issues with finding something to eat here, so we decided that Rachel was sober enough to drive us to Munchies 420 Cafe to pick up some food from there. So, we all piled into her car, rocked out to some of Rachel & I's favorite party music, like Katy Perry & Ke$ha, and made it to Munchies before I noticed anything had happened. As we were walking into Munchies some people who were standing outside told me to make sure to get on the camera. I wasn't sure what they were talking about exactly until I actually walked inside the building and found myself being filmed by this big ass professional camera. Apparently, the people who run Munchies 420 Cafe are trying to start a reality show and they were filming for it that night. As I had mentioned earlier, my nipples were out and after all the alcohol I drank throughout the evening I was thinking a lot less about them and just letting them hang out. So, if this reality show actually pans out for the owners of Munchies my nipples may actually wind up on the TV somewhere. Maybe they could become a viral video, then they could become a web redemption on Tosh.0, then somehow I could wind up having a bunch of sex with Daniel Tosh, and I would be okay with all of that. Fuck it, they're just nipples. Of course, aside from the nipples, there is also the fact that, apparently, when you put a camera in front of me I don't know how to stop talking. Seriously, this camera guy was on me the entire time we were in there, doing the up & down on my barely covered body and such. It was definitely a mess. The camera guy was cute, though, so I didn't really mind him examining my body in such a way. He could make a movie with me any day. I'm kidding, of course... Kind of.

Anyway, as I said, it was kind of a big mess last night but I had an amazing time & was extremely grateful that I had people around keeping an eye on me and making sure everything was under control. No one did this more than Rachel, but my sister & her girlfriend were also looking out really well while they were here, as well. It is good to be aware of the people you can count on. I mean, I was already aware of this but it was nice to be reminded. It was also nice to be completely shit-faced for the evening and chill with cool people and let my nipples loose. Great times. Goodnight.

Chapter 358: Freaky Friday

So, it is officially one week until the blog ends. Only 7 days left. Of course, as it turns out, this is kind of a terrible weekend to be the last week of the blog because I’ve kind of got a lot going on this weekend. A perfect example of this is the fact that I am writing Friday night’s blog on Saturday morning, and am pretty much guaranteed to write Saturday night’s blog on Sunday morning. I just have stuff happening these nights. It wasn’t initially going to be this way for the Friday night blog but something wonderful popped up completely at random that I had to do, (more on that later.) Let me tell you about yesterday, right from the beginning. Due to the fact that I needed to get up early and be to work early yesterday morning for the Halloween festivities, I had my alarm set for 5:15am, as opposed to my normal 5:45am alarm. Unfortunately, I didn’t wind up waking up until after 6am and was feeling extremely rushed. I did my best to shove away the feeling of being rushed and just went ahead and did everything I needed to do. The biggest part of what I had to do yesterday morning was get the makeup done for my Halloween costume. My Halloween costume kind of wound up going through several different evolutions – initially it was meant to be a little more of a Bondage Devil but that wound up evolving more into a “Party Monster” inspired Club Kid Devil, which is what I wound up doing for work and I really loved the way that it came out. Of course, there are two different versions of this Club Kid Devil costume – I kind of went for more of an innocent look for work, with less skin and incorporating some softer colors, like pink on the cheeks and lips. Today, for my party, I am doing more of the “naughty” version, or the NSFW version, and going much darker with it. I am really excited for tonight’s version of the costume, actually. Right now, though, we are not talking about tonight yet. We are talking about yesterday morning. Fortunately, I managed to get everything done in a timely manner yesterday morning and still managed to be to work by 7:40am. The first thing I had to do when I got there was do makeup for my co-worker who was dressing up as me. It was a much quicker process than I had expected, which was good. I’m not going to lie – this guy looked a hot mess. They say everybody is a hot mess when they first start doing drag, and this was certainly a form of drag… so, that statement seems to be true. Still, it was pretty crazy because this guy wound up looking like a completely different person after dying his hair and shaving the beard that he has always had. Anything for a laugh, I suppose.

Anyway, work was pretty laid back yesterday, much as I expected it would be. We weren’t busy at all, and I really got to spend a large portion of the day just dicking around. I was a little all over the place yesterday – everywhere but on the phone, it seemed. I feel a little bad about that for my co-workers but I was doing valid things most of the time. Well, valid enough, I suppose. I got to get off the phone and hang out in one of the offices for a while doing makeup for my team lead, which I was really excited about. The big secret theme of management’s costumes wound up being an “Old West” type theme, with them all being dressed as Cowboys and Indians and such, and the co-worker I was doing makeup for was a “Saloon Girl,” aka, a prostitute in a fancy dress. It was a really cute costume, though, in pink and black, and the look that I did on her came out beautifully. I was really proud of my work on that. I was a little disheartened, though, by the fact that there one of the other accounts, my sister’s girlfriend’s account, did an angels & devils theme, so there were an insane amount of devils running around our building yesterday. Still, my devil costume was pretty unique, I think. Not to sound conceited or anything but I think mine was hotter shit than the rest of them. Of course, I am kind of conceited, in general, so I WOULD think that. I was also a little disappointed in the fact that most of the costumes came off by 1 or 2pm. Everybody got sick of wearing their costumes sometime in the middle of the day and changed into regular clothes. I didn’t have extra clothes with me so I just stayed in my costume all day. I was okay with that, though, because I love wearing costumes. Overall, the whole Halloween thing at work yesterday was pretty chill. I was glad to get off, though, and get home to let the REAL Halloween weekend begin.

It wasn’t long after I got home that I received a phone call from Rachel, who I had already made plans with tonight to go out and do last minute shopping for the party, telling me about a different option for yesterday evening’s festivities. As you may remember if you have been following the blog recently, I did a post a couple of weeks ago all about “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” and how much it had inspired me over the years. I also mentioned in that post the fact that I had never been able to get to one of the midnight showings, with all of the audience participation and such, in spite of having made plans to several times in the past. Well, when Rachel called me last night asking if I wanted to go down to the “midnight” showing at the Manatee Players in Bradenton, I immediately said yes. There was a little confusion with buying tickets, which wound up with me having to buy an extra ticket because the website wouldn’t sell me two together but would sell me three together. It was strange. Still, I was really excited about the whole thing – seeing “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” live has always been something I have really wanted to do and I was finally going to. I took off my Halloween costume and did a different, more “Rocky Horror” inspired makeup look using pink and black. When Rachel came over, we did a look on her that was very similar to mine except that we used black and this gorgeous blue from Sugarpill Cosmetics called Afterparty. I was really happy with the way that her makeup turned out, as well. I was slightly concerned, though, about the fact that there were still a few things that I needed to do for the party and we didn’t have a whole lot of time left before the show. So, we came up with a plan that we would forget about a couple of things, (like false eyelashes,) and would make a stop at Wal-Mart and Walgreen’s after the show for the other things. The only thing we didn’t wind up getting done was buying a bottle of Midori for me, which we are going to go do this afternoon before the party, because I am not going to be happy having a party without any Midori Sours. Seeing “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” in a theatre was amazing, honestly, and it was awesome to see all of the different costumes and such. It was also really fun getting hit with rice in the wedding scene and water guns during “Over At The Frankenstein Place,” and shouting out Asshole every time Brad introduced himself to somebody and all the rest of it. I really had a lot of fun. Rachel and I have both agreed that we are totally doing this again next year, (although probably up in St. Petersberg or Tampa,) and actually dressing up and stuff. It was a lot of fun. After watching the film last night, I decided that I need to get myself in better shape by Halloween next year so that I can dress up as Dr. Frank N Furter, because he really is the fiercest character in the film and the one that I can relate to the most. So, that is something I need to start working on over the next year.

So, that pretty much concludes any talk about Friday. It is a little weird that this is the last Friday of the blog. Actually, that’s not actually true – next Friday will be the last Friday and the last any day of the blog. It is this silly thought in my head, but there were certain songs that I had kind of hoped to wind up using as blog titles at some point before the blog ended. One of those songs was The Cure’s “Friday I’m In Love.” This really would have been my last opportunity to use it but it simply doesn’t ring true at this time, so I can’t just do it for the hell of it. I mean, I could – it’s not like I haven’t used random songs as blog titles in the past, but in general I try to make sure that the blog title actually suits what the blog is talking about. Unfortunately, this Friday, (yesterday,) I was not in love and the song doesn’t really fit in with anything else I have to say about the day. So, instead, I am just going to go with the song “Freaky Friday” by Aqua, which is a favorite of mine and DOES suit what I am talking about here. So, that’s that. Now, I should probably get off of the computer and start preparing stuff for the party tonight. I am having one of those Martha Plimpton in “200 Cigarettes” moments, where I am suddenly freaking out and thinking, “OMG NOBODY’S COMING TO MY PARTY,” or “OMG NOBODY LIKES ME!!!” I’m kidding, kind of. I am really not all that concerned about who is showing up at this point – I know that all of my favorite people will show up and if it’s just my favorite people that show up then I will just be hanging out and getting shit-faced with my favorite people, and that will be good enough. I really don’t think that’s going to be the case, though. I think it is going to be a pretty crazy night and that I will have an epic good time. It is going to be awesome. So, I need to go finish getting my house ready for it all. Have a good day, and I’ll be back probably somewhere around this time tomorrow!

Chapter 357: She's Not Me

Okay, so I am going to keep it really short this evening. There are a few different reasons for this but the main one is the fact that I need to be up extra early tomorrow morning. The reason for this is the fact that I have to do a bit more of an extreme, and considerably more detailed makeup look than I would on any other day, which will take considerably longer than my makeup does most days. I am pretty excited about my Halloween makeup, though. I am doing a different look for work than I am doing for my party on Saturday night, but I am equally excited about them both. I think it is going to come out looking pretty crazy and pretty awesome! I am excited to finally wear this look out after the test runs and concept drawings and such I had done. I also have to prepare a dish for the potluck they are having at work tomorrow. This is a pretty simple step, since what I am making is Green Beans & Salsa. It is a very simple recipe and will only take a few minutes to prepare. Then I have to get to work about 30 minutes early in order to do makeup for one of my co-worker's Halloween costumes. This guy came up with the most brilliant, gorgeous, unique and original concept for a Halloween costume that I have ever heard of - he is dressing up as ME!!! Of course, I was very flattered by the whole thing & thought it was a really fun idea, although this guy is being slightly offensive about the whole thing. Still, I can't have somebody dressing up as me without an authentic makeup look. I am also loaning him a sweatervest of mine, which is one of the signature pieces of my wardrobe. It should be funny, if nothing else. Still, I am not all that excited about the concept of getting up and doing somebody else's makeup that early in the morning. I AM really excited for doing a few other people's makeup a little later in the day, though. You see, our management are really big on their themed Halloween costumes every year & this year is no exception. So, I have been asked to do the makeup for a couple of the management team for their Halloween costumes. This is a really cool thing, I think, and it will be a lot of fun to dick around with doing makeup looks on other people. I am definitely excited for that part. I am figuring that work will wind up being pretty laid back & fun tomorrow - after all, I get to wear a costume! Everything is more fun in a costume! So, I think it should turn out to be a pretty cool day. For now, though, I need to get ready to get to bed. Before I do go to bed, though, I kind of need to organize my train case with the stuff that I need to take to work with me tomorrow, in terms of makeup. It shouldn't take too long, I don't think. I really should have made myself a new batch of brush cleaner because I am probably going to need it. I don't have all THAT many brushes and thus will need to be cleaning them between uses & such. I think what I have should be alright, though. It'll be a bit of a stretch but I'm sure I can pull it off alright. I'd better get to all of that so I can get to bed pretty quick. Goodnight.

Chapter 356: Mouthwash

So, today was a pretty boring day. I don’t really have a ton to report about this day, really. I woke up just after 8am and didn’t really have a ton of energy, so I just got out of bed and sat on the couch for a while in one of those only half-awake states. I knew that I had a big day of cleaning and such ahead of me, so I figured I might as well use that little bit of time in the morning to just relax and not move very much. It was just after 8:30am when I received a text from a friend of mine from work telling me that the co-worker that I had switched shifts with had not shown up yet. My boss/sister had told me when we switched shifts that if one or the other didn’t show up on the days we switched then we would both get “issues.” The way that issues work at the place that shall not be named for security purposes is that you get one issue for missing less than two hours of your shift, and two issues for missing your entire shift or more than two hours of it. You are allowed six issues per calendar month, so it is actually a really lenient system. There are a lot of people who work that system to their advantage in various ways and wind up with 5 issues every month, so they avoid getting written up or anything but still get to screw around a little bit with their schedules. I know that I have a couple of issues currently. I think it is only two but if it is more than two it is three at the most. So, I figured that if I got issues for my co-worker not showing up today I would still be safe from getting written up. Still, I wasn’t entirely sure what I should do, like if perhaps I should have gotten myself dressed and ready and just gone in today in her place. So, I called my sister and acted like I was just calling to make sure that she did come in and acted like I was surprised to hear that she hadn’t. She told me to just stay home and sort it all out tomorrow, so that was what I went with. Fortunately, I heard through the grapevine that the co-worker I had switched with did wind up showing up, she had just overslept or some bullshit like that. So, there was no actual problem and my day off today was still secured. I talked to my Mom for a little bit before she had to go in at 9:30am, which was good, then I just kind of sat around on the couch for a long time. Then I dicked around with my iPod for a while, creating a revised version of the playlist I had created last week to shuffle at my Halloween party. The initial playlist included something like 1,100 songs and this new one had 1,701 songs. I feel like this new one is much more cohesive and, regardless of how the shuffle function decides to mix them up, will flow much better than the previous one. It is a big mish-mash of different styles of music, from hip-hop/R&B, like Lil’ Kim, Missy Elliott and such, to genuine rock, like Foo Fighters, Nirvana and The Pretty Reckless, to dance stuff, like Robyn or Agnes, to even a little bit of country, like Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Dolly Parton. Probably the biggest factor in this playlist is the classic divas, though, like Dolly, Madonna, Barbra, Celine, Cher, Janet, etc., and a few good male divas thrown in, like Prince and George Michael. It is a really good mix this time, I think. This one is much more cohesive than the last one, as well, because it is pretty much 100% upbeat, which is really important for a party. Music, in my opinion, is one of the most important factors of throwing a party. I know that, at any good party that is not officially related to music in any way, music should really just serve as background noise but I know from my own personal experience that the background noise in any environment can really affect your mood and your feelings towards that environment. So, in that sense, while it is just the background noise it really does make a major difference to the entire vibe of any party. I tried really hard to include a little bit of every type of music so that there would be a little something for everybody and made it a point to include more songs that are kind of classics or staples that most people would actually know. There are still a lot of songs on the playlist that I’m sure I will be the only person at the party knowing beforehand. I kind of did that on purpose, though, because I love exposing people to new and different things in terms of music. As I keep saying, I am extremely excited for this party. I just have this feeling that this night is going to be epic!

In spite of the fact that it started out as just something random that I was messing around with to pass time, I wound up working on this playlist until well after noon. What this really meant was that I had managed to avoid actually doing anything in terms of the cleaning and such that needed to be done around the house for the entire morning but could still sit there with a feeling of accomplishment. After that I dicked around with something else for a few hours until my Mom came home from work for her lunch break. I sat and talked with her during her lunch break, then after she left I figured it was time to start cleaning. Fortunately for me, I had overestimated the amount of work that actually needed to be done and I managed to whip through it all pretty quickly. It wasn’t all that quick, honestly, but that is only because of the fact that I kept stopping in the middle to do other things. Still, I got pretty much everything I needed to finished in a pretty quick time. I also found that the sickness that I had been feeling over the past few days felt like it was pretty much entirely gone. I still have the cough but the actual feeling of illness is completely gone at this point. Aside from all of the cleaning that I did, I also did a test run of the work version of my Halloween makeup, which I was VERY pleased with! I really loved the way that it turned out. I have kind of determined that I am doing the exact same costume for work on Friday and my party on Saturday, only what I am trying to do with it is represent two different sides – the Friday, safe for work version, is kind of a softer, more innocent looking devil, (if that even makes any sense,) and the Saturday, not safe for work version, is going to be much darker and more sinister looking. The main focus of this, in both cases, is the makeup I am doing with the costume. The actual outfit will have variations, as well, but the main focus is the makeup. I think it is going to come out looking pretty amazing! I am really excited for the whole thing. I am really considerably more excited for Halloween this year than I have been ever before in my life. I think it is going to be a lot of fun. This is the first time that I am actually throwing a party for Halloween, which I am really excited about. It is the first time in a really long time that I am throwing any sort of party, beyond small dinner parties, and I am really excited about it. I am already thinking about the next occasion for which I can throw a party. I am kind of considering doing a Holiday party in December but I suppose it depends on how this one goes. I don’t really have any concerns about how this one will go. The only thing I AM slightly concerned about is the noise in this apartment. I have never seen anybody else throw an actual party here in our building, although I’m sure it has happened at some point. I don’t think there will be any issues, as far as noise or anything. I know that people have spent a lot of time being very loud out in front of the building and haven’t had anybody call the cops on them or anything, like on the fourth of July and such, so I don’t think it will be an issue. I really don’t think there will be any issues with the party, honestly. I will just make sure to keep it under control as much as I can. I am very glad that Rachel is going to be here, as well, because she will be able to help me a lot in terms of keeping things controlled and such. It is going to be a lot of fun. Once again, I am really excited for it.

The only other thing I wanted to mention about today is that Jane Fonda was on Oprah this afternoon. My Mom and I sat down to watch it while we ate dinner this evening and were both really into it. I have never been too familiar with Jane Fonda’s work, honestly, aside from “Monster In Law” and “Georgia Rule,” and didn’t really know much about her as a person, except that she caused a LOT of controversy back in the day with her opinions about the Vietnam War. Also, she did a lot of workout videos in the 80s – in fact, hers are still the biggest selling exercise videos of all-time. Anyway, I didn’t realize exactly what an inspiration this woman truly is – she is 72 years old and doesn’t look a day over 55, and simply has the most positive, upbeat attitude towards life that I could possibly imagine a person having. I picked up a couple of very important things from her talk with Oprah on today’s show. The first of these things was something that she talked about towards the end of the interview – she said that her secret to staying young and the best advice she could give to others is to simply focus more on always trying to be interested as opposed to trying to be interesting. I have always lived my life with an attitude of always trying to gain new experiences and such, in many ways specifically for the purpose of trying to be a more interesting person. It never actually dawned on me that perhaps it IS more important to try to be more interested than interesting. After all, there is so much that each and everyone can stand to learn in this world but if we are too busy trying to be more interesting to others we are going to miss out. Plus, I think people can tell when you are genuinely interested in the things that they have to say and when you really aren’t. It is important to always remain curious and intrigued by the things and people around you. The other thing about this that dawned on me was that I am actually already a really interesting person – that isn’t really something I need to work on further, at least not at this point in my life. What I could use some work on, though, is being interested in the people and things around me and having a sense of curiosity and inquisitiveness about it all. So, that is definitely something I intend to work on moving forward. She also talked a lot about having done a “Life Review,” in which she went back over her entire life, even interviewing people that she knew at different points in her life to get an outside perspective on who she was at the time. She said that it is all about trying to recall the feelings that you felt about the major events of your life and such. It is a very fascinating concept to me and something that I am actually considering doing myself for the Messy Little Raindrops blog. We’ll see, though. In the meantime, it is almost 11:30pm and I am exhausted! Goodnight!

Chapter 355: Fade Away & Radiate

Let me begin tonight’s blog by saying one thing: HOLY SHIT, THERE ARE ONLY 10 DAYS LEFT!!! I still can’t believe that I have actually made it this far. I can’t believe that this blog will be over and done with in just 10 days. I can’t believe that I actually managed to keep it up this entire time. I can’t believe any of it. What I really can’t believe, though, are some of the changes that have been made in the past 355 days that I have been writing this blog. It has really been an eye-opening experience for me in a million different ways. There are things that I am focused on and things that I am feeling right now that I never would have imagined I would be focused on or feeling within a year, or ever. It is kind of insane. One great example of this is the fact that my main focus at this point in time is trying to find love. I never would have imagined that there would ever come a point that this would be my main focus. I always placed love, in the romantic sense, very low on my list of priorities in life. It was something that I thought would always be secondary. I think, in a lot of ways, the reason I felt that way for so long is because I genuinely believed that I would never really find it. I mean, it isn’t something that I have ever cared to admit before but I think that I have walked this world with a LOT of insecurities in terms of finding love. I wouldn’t say that I never felt like I was worthy of it, because that really isn’t the case, but I think I was more concerned that I was simply too complicated of a person to ever find a love that could actually work out. I always believed that I would live my life in a long string of three month long relationships that would never actually pan out because I would always find some way to sabotage them in my head. I don’t know what I thought, honestly, but I don’t think that way anymore. I know that I am capable of loving and being loved in return. I know that it is going to happen for me. I know that it is going to happen for me SOON. I can already feel it and, I can already tell you, it is fucking wonderful. That is definitely an immense difference from where I was at 355 days ago. As I have discussed here a lot recently, I also feel like I am living my life right now as the very best version of myself that I have ever been – for the first time in my life I feel like I am truly living in the present moment and allowing myself to be open and vulnerable and to really make a connection with the people that surround me. That is an issue that I didn’t even entirely realize I had 355 days ago but one that I am so glad to say that I have managed to overcome. Sure, I know that these types of things don’t just go away completely but I feel completely confident in myself and in the fact that I will be able to fight off any urges I may have to retreat back into the world that only exists inside my own head. That is a MAJOR difference from where I was 355 days ago.

There is another major difference that I haven’t discussed here in the blog yet and one that I have been a little hesitant about discussing. As I have always said, I am trying to be as open with all of my feelings and as honest as I possibly can about my life here in this blog. Still, there have always been things that I have felt hesitant about discussing in the blog simply because my mind hasn’t entirely settled on my feelings towards them yet. This has been one of those things up to this point but I finally feel like I have figured out my feelings about the whole thing now and am feeling very confident about it all. This thing is probably the most drastic difference in me that has arisen from this blog and something that I would have sworn on my life would never happen. All of my life, I have always had the same dream – I wanted to become a musician. I wanted to make my living as a musician and be an inspiration to people all over the world. My dream, more than anything else, was to really have an effect on the lives of people around the world – people who are feeling now the ways that I felt when I was younger. I remember many times throughout my life when I have felt completely lost, alone and terrified that things would never get better for me. I also remember that pretty much every one of those times I would always turn to the same place for comfort, understanding and answers to the questions I had about life – MUSIC. My lifelong goal and ultimate dream has always been to pay it forward and provide the same comfort, understanding and answers to others out there in this world. Still, over the past several months I have begun to realize a few things about this dream. First of all, I have really come to recognize the fact that I don’t have to make music in order to be that type of inspiration to others. There are a million different ways to be a comfort and inspiration to others. Secondly, I have come to realize that while I have never lacked the passion or drive to make it as a musician there has always been a key element missing – ability. I have never had, and probably never will have, the ability to make this happen for myself. I write lyrics and have for pretty much my entire life and I have a good ear for melody and such but I simply don’t understand the way that music works, in terms of composition. I have long been one of those people who would miss out on all kinds of different elements of music that other people would notice. I have never been one of those people who could sit and listen to a song and hone in on each different instrument or backing vocal or whatever other elements there are. I have come to realize that, while I may love it, I simply don’t honestly have an ear for music. There are certainly ways around that, like having others write the music for you and such, but I don’t know that I would ever be completely satisfied not being able to have complete control over the stuff that I create. I don’t know that I would ever be completely satisfied not being able to fully create it for myself. Third, and most importantly, I have kind of come to realize over the past few months, that my passion for music has waned a lot. I mean, I wouldn’t say that my passion for music itself has waned. That should be clear just based on how much I will sit here and talk about the music that I hear from other artists and such. I don’t think I will ever be a person who doesn’t turn to music for comfort, understanding or to find the answers to the questions I have in life. It will always be my biggest source of inspiration in life and my first real love. I will also always consider myself to be a songwriter before anything else. I will still write out my emotions in rhyme schemes and with melodies, in the verse-chorus-verse form. However, I have realized that I have kind of lost the passion and drive that I had before to create music for myself. So, what all of this breaks down to is the fact that I have decided to give up on that dream. I really feel like the time has come for me to let it go. Like I said, music will always be the biggest part of my life but I don’t think it is genuinely what I want to do with my life anymore. I have realized that there is something else that I could do with my life that would be just as effective a way to do what the underlying goal of music has always been, and that I actually do have a talent for. This thing is exactly what I am doing here – writing. I don’t know how exactly to move forward with this but I know that I will figure it out and I will manage to achieve my REAL dream – being a source of light and inspiration to people around the world. Needless to say, I don’t suppose I will be moving forward with the concept of trying to write a record based on this blog, although I definitely intend to go back and read over the past year of my life and write some lyrics based on it. I just don’t know that I will ever actually pursue doing anything with them. I think that I have kind of come to realize that all of the lyrics I have been writing all of these years have never actually been for anybody but myself – they are my therapy and the most effective way that I have ever found to really dig deep down inside of myself to answer the questions that I have in life. They are the best way for me to really see a reflection of who I truly am. I don’t think I will ever stop writing lyrics. I simply won’t look at them as a career goal anymore. Instead, I’ll be working on a book, or perhaps becoming a featured writer for a magazine or a website or something along those lines. The possibilities are endless, really.

So, today was a good day overall. I slept much better last night than I did on Sunday night, which was much needed. Work was kind of boring, although I did manage to have a lot of really fun conversations with the people around me and such, which helped the day to pass a little more quickly. I got to spend some quality time with friends both at work and after work, because Rachel FINALLY got a new phone and is in touch with the outside world again. She came over this evening and watched “Glee” and “The A List: New York” with me and we discussed various things about my party and life in general. Tomorrow is my day off this week, since I traded days with one of my co-workers in order to be at work on Friday for the Halloween festivities. The plan is to spend the bulk of tomorrow cleaning my bedroom and bathroom, in order to get them all presentable for the party on Saturday. I cannot express exactly how excited I am for this party, by the way. I am feeling extremely ready to wear a costume, hang out with cool people and drink until my face falls off. I am ready to have a pretty epic night. It is only a few days away. It should make for a pretty interesting blog Sunday morning, I think, (because I will definitely not be in the condition to be writing a blog that night.) I did a test run of my makeup look for the party this evening, which came out really well, and plan to do a test run of my makeup for the work version of my costume tomorrow, as well. I am really glad to have this day off in the middle of the week, though. I felt like I could REALLY use it this week, actually. The week has already felt long and it has only actually been two days. It is kind of cool, though, because after tomorrow I am back on Thursday and then Friday is the Halloween stuff, which I will still have to work through but it will be considerably more laid back than an average day in the workplace and I will be in a costume. Costumes make everything better! A friend of mine and I were discussing the fact that Halloween is the only real “costume” holiday that there is and it only comes once a year, and how cool it would be to just periodically throw costume parties throughout the year. If nothing else, it would be a good excuse to wear a costume other times of year. I like this idea and may actually try to follow up on it once everything has been sorted out with moving in with Rachel and such. I am excited to be throwing a party, though, and am already really into the idea of throwing more. I suppose I should see how this one goes first, though. In the meantime, it is nearly 1am and I am really tired. Plus, I have a long day of cleaning ahead of me tomorrow, so I should probably get my rest tonight. Goodnight.