Chapter 362: Situation Can’t Go Right

So, it is 11:35pm and I am just starting tonight’s blog. That is bad. I am also somewhat intoxicated right now. That is also bad, in terms of writing tonight’s blog. I have officially dubbed yesterday night my “disco nap.” For those who are not privy to gay slang, a “disco nap” is when you take a nap between parties or drinking/drug sessions to kind of build your energy back up in order to party even more. Okay, so there wasn’t an actual party tonight. In fact, it was really more a matter of randomly finding remnants from the party on the weekend and deciding to get fucked up with them. You see, there is this thing that I did completely at random a few times recently and have kind of become really into. This thing, (I am not going to say what it is because it is incriminating but I will say that it involves gardening,) is something that I had done in the past – actually, I had done quite a bit of it in the past – but had long since forgotten and hadn’t really paid any attention to/had any interest in doing in a very long time. Still, it popped up recently and I have kind of fallen in love with it. Well, not exactly fallen in love, but have come to really rediscover the joys that it can bring. Well, there were a few people at my party this weekend who shared my interest in doing this whole thing and so we all enjoyed it together. Well, I happened to find a very small amount of this stuff left in my bedroom this evening – enough to have a good time with, though. So, my friend who was over and I both decided to enjoy it together again. It was fun. Once we did that, though, we also both decided to drink some of the beers and hunch punch that was leftover from the weekend, as well. So, we got a little fucked up and chilled in front of my TV and talked about all kinds of random things. It was a really fun night.

One of the main things we talked about, or I talked about, was this situation that has been a bit of a focus in my life recently and may have revealed itself to be even more relevant to my life right now than I had even realized before. It is one of those things that I have realized all along was not really a positive situation in my life – it is not going to help me to achieve the goals that I have set for myself in any way. In fact, it could actually wind up hurting those goals in the long run. It also has the potential to actually meet those goals, as well. Okay, that was really just me trying to be optimistic and talk myself into things. Actually, I don’t really need to talk myself into anything – I have already made my mind up about it all. I have recognized that it is not a positive situation and really does not have any real potential to go right… but it is also something that I know that I am going to pursue in spite of all the reasons why I shouldn’t. I don’t really think it is something that I am going to be able to stop myself from doing. It is just what is going to happen. Of course, I am being really vague and only really speaking hypothetically at this point, anyway, but I just have this feeling that I can see exactly what is going to happen right in front of me. Like I said, though, I know that this situation can’t go right – it is HIGHLY unlikely. Still, it is something that I want to happen, in spite of knowing that it can’t go right. I just hate the idea of moving forward in life without having taken the chance on it. It’s all really fucked up and there are so many different variations on the whole thing and I really have no idea what is going to happen. Like I said, I have a pretty strong feeling about what will happen but I don’t know for certain. I don’t know anything for certain at this point. That is probably the worst part. I hate these types of things. They drive me crazy.

Anyway, it is now 12:06am and I really need to get to bed. It has been a long day. Not a bad one but a long one. This weekend was a lot of fun and tonight was a lot of fun but I really need to take a break from all this drinking for a little bit. I will definitely not be drinking tomorrow night – that is certain. All I have left in my fridge, in terms of alcohol drinks, is beer and I really won’t go straight to that if I am in the mood for a drink. At least, not if I am just chilling at home alone. I’ve decided recently that beer is not terrible to drink socially. I don’t think I could ever be one of those people who comes home from a long day at work and cracks open a beer or whatever. That’s some man stuff. I don’t do that much man stuff. No, beer is not my personal preference and I don’t think it ever will be. Still, it is alright for a night out or having people over, especially if there isn’t anything else. Definitely not for tomorrow night, though. Tomorrow night is all about just chilling at home and being sober. Tonight, on the other hand, is about to be all about sleeping. Goodnight.