Chapter 361: Waiting

Mondays are not actually something that I have a problem with, in general, but today was not a Monday like any other. One of the very first thoughts that crossed my mind when I woke up this morning was, and I quote, "Whoever made November 1st a Monday this year needs to go die in a fucking fire." Of course, a large part of this has to do with the fact that I drank an immense amount of alcohol last night, and the night before, and only slept about 3 hours before waking up. Did I also mention that when I woke up it was after 7am and I was supposed to have been ready early this morning? Did I also mention the fact that when I woke up I was still pretty much drunk? One of the other first thoughts to run through my mind was, "I should call in sick." I REALLY wanted to call in sick today. I thought about it a little bit and knew that I couldn't. I had told a couple of my friends who I was hanging out with last night that I wouldn't call in today and I really didn't want to hear about it from them if I did, or from my sister or her girlfriend, who were supposed to pick me up to go to work this morning. When I woke up I thought a LOT about it but, again, I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to be like that deleted scene from the "Mean Girls" DVD, where Miss Norbury tells Cady, "I'm really disappointed in you." I don't know what it is exactly but I really have a hard time dealing with hearing things like that from my sister. This is precisely why, once I did get to work, I avoided her like the plague. I kind of avoided talking to most people for most of the day because even after the leftover buzz had gone away I spent the rest of the day just feeling like shit. It was Halloween weekend, though, and it was really the best Halloween weekend I have ever had in my entire life. It was totally 100% worth the horror that was today. I had so much fun all weekend and am incredibly grateful to the people who helped to make it all happen and to make it all so fucking awesome! I don't know if anybody remembers my drunken video blog about how I wanted to turn my life into a Ke$ha song but I feel like I really managed to achieve a weekend that was a bit like a Ke$ha song and have come to realize that maybe containing that sort of lifestyle to random weekends here and there is a better plan. I definitely couldn't do that all the time... but I could also definitely stand to do it a lot more often!

I don't know how much I really got into about last night, (I have yet to actually read through what must have been the drunken trainwreck of a blog I posted last night,) but it was a lot of fun! Rachel & I, in spite of our initial plans not to do anything on Sunday, decided to go to a party that my friends, Arielle & Jessie, were throwing. They had told me about it beforehand and I told them that I would try to make it to but I wasn't sure about because I wasn't sure how I would get there or anything. Still, I really wanted to go because I fucking love those kids. They have become two of my favorite people that I know. Plus, aside from Rachel, they were the very first people to show up to my party and the very last ones to leave. It just seemed like one of those things where these two were so supportive of my party & being such a comfort when I was freaking out that nobody would show up. So, it only seemed right that I should be just as supportive of them throwing a party. So, when I got a call from Rachel yesterday afternoon being like, "So, what's up with their party?" I was immediately like, "You want to go? Let's go!" So, I threw myself together for my fourth and final Halloween look, which was just regular clothes, (light blue jeans & a pink heather v-neck,) with another look using this weekend's makeup theme. I don't know if I really explained this weekend's makeup theme here in the blog but I fucking loved it! The looks for my Halloween costumes and the looks I did for the party last night and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" on Friday night all shared one common thread - BRIGHT colors on the cheekbones and up through the temples. It was kind of like where one would normally place bronzer to give themselves a super tanned glow, only in this case I was using those extremely pigmented Sugarpill Cosmetics eyeshadows, in Dollipop and Flamepoint. I mean, all four of the looks were extremely dramatic and a lot of fun but the main link between them all was the bright colors along the cheekbones and temples. I don't want to sit here and blab about my makeup for too much longer but my favorite part of the whole thing is the fact that the bright colors along the cheekbones & temples kind of stems from the eyes - it all connects to the eyes somewhere. I really loved the way all four of these looks came out, although I think the one I did last night was my favorite. It incorporated more colors than the rest of the looks and I think almost had a sort of "Carnivale" vibe to it.

Anyway, Rachel and I kind of dicked around for a while before heading over to the party. I had a glass of the leftover Hunch Punch from Saturday night and filled a water bottle up with it, (Ke$ha style,) and took it with me. Once we got there, I drank that bottle of Hunch Punch in a matter of minutes, then moved on to beer. I NEVER drink beer but I decided to say "fuck it" and go for it because it was all that they had there. Beer, I never quite realized, gets you fucked up really quickly! It goes straight to your head - at least, that's what it did to me. We got there around 9pm and only stayed til around midnight, when they kicked everybody out in order to attempt to not be too unable to function today at work. It was a really smart idea. Unfortunately for me, I came home and had two more drinks while I wrote last night's blog.

I wound up only sleeping for like three hours and, as I mentioned before, woke up still kind of drunk. I also woke up about 90 minutes late and only about 30 minutes before I was supposed to be picked up. I immediately went into a bit of panic and wasted a long time trying to figure out where I should start getting ready to go. So, I grabbed clothes, headed into the bathroom and got dressed and did hair and makeup. Since I was in such a rush, I decided to try something that I had never actually tried taking out in public before - a makeup look without eyeshadow. I put on my Stila One Step Makeup and concealer in a few trouble spots, smudged some black eyeliner along my upper and lower lash lines, two coats of mascara, a little blush and lip balm, and considered myself done. Oddly enough, in spite of the simplicity of it, it was not the quickest makeup look I have ever done. I was really surprised, though, that I didn't feel more self-conscious about it. Of course, I was having enough issues this morning and throughout the day that the lack of makeup was the last thing on my mind. I was much more focused on spending all day thinking, "Holy crap, I should have called in sick," and "Oh my God, I am going to die here. I can't make it through this day." It was a big mess. Still, I DID make it through the day and without too much trouble. Eventually, around 3-4pm, I started feeling a little bit better than I had the rest of the day. I still made it a point to kind of keep to myself for the day, though, because I was still a mess and I didn't really want to showcase that too much to the people I work with, (although, the ones who saw me over the weekend wound up seeing plenty of it.) I was really glad when the day was over and I could just come home. My automatic instinct when I got home was to pass out but I fought it off. I mean, I sat in one spot pretty much the entire evening but I didn't fall asleep. I also made myself some dinner because I feel like I spent the entire weekend eating nothing but chips and dip. The main reason I feel that way, I think, is because I actually did spend the entire weekend eating chips and dip and not much else. I couldn't be bothered to prepare any meals or anything, and there were chips and dip everywhere I turned, so I just kept eating them instead of eating actual food. This is a very unhealthy way to spend a weekend, I think, but so was the rest of the way I spent the weekend - drinking and stuff. No harm no foul, I suppose. It was good to eat some actual food tonight, though. Actually, I don't know that I made much of an improvement because I had some leftover chilli and a cup of noodles for dinner. It was still more sustenance than I had gotten over the entire weekend. Then I watched a re-run of "The A-List: New York" and zoned out.

There is one other thing I wanted to discuss here a little bit. After just feeling like shit all day, I came home and mainly zoned out. I did have a little burst of inspiration, though, in which I tried out something very new and different, yet familiar and natural, to me - writing poetry. I did not write a song - there was no melody to it, no tune or cleverly hiding syllables in order to make things fit where I need them to. It was kind of odd but also really liberating for me to write out my feelings without trying to work within the confines of songwriting. I mean, I know that songwriting can be pretty free form, as well, and I have done a lot of that. This was different, though - I just kind of let it come out as it happened to come. I mean, I still gave it a rhyme scheme and everything but none of it was dumbed down or reworded in order to fit into the mold of a song. The poem itself, though, was an extremely therapeutic experience for me. It is called "If Situations Were Different," and the whole concept is that I am playing a game called "If Situations Were Different," in which I kind of let out all of the stuff that I have been thinking about lately, except thinking about what it would be without considering any of the repercussions or real life circumstances surrounding the whole thing. This is something that I have found myself doing fairly often lately, so this song coming out seemed terribly appropriate. Writing this poem, however, threw me into a bit of an emotional tailspin for a while. The poem ends with the lines, "If situations were different... but situations aren't different. They're not. You're still you and I'm still me and everybody else is still everybody else. You're still you. I'm still me. Alone." It is true. No matter how much I sit here and dream about what could have been or what could be if situations were different, it doesn't actually make an ounce of difference - situations are not different. There is this song on the new Cheryl Cole record that really captures my feelings on this matter. The song is my absolute favorite track on her album, "Messy Little Raindrops," and the album's closing track, "Waiting." The chorus of this song says it all quite simply - "Waiting around all of the time, waiting around all of the time for you to get it right, Waiting around all of the time, waiting around all of the time for you and something to believe in." Aside from being an incredible song all on it's own, this song has become my very favorite track on this album because I can just relate to it so much. That is kind of how I feel about a certain situation in my life right now - I am just waiting around all of the time for somebody to get it right. Maybe they will someday. Maybe they won't. At this point, it is nothing more than a tiny little, messy little raindrop. Raindrops, on the other hand, can form giant puddles. On the other hand, though, rain can hit the soil just right and something can grown from those raindrops. I don't know what this one is quite yet but I know that it is driving me nuts sometimes. It is driving me nuts just "waiting around all of the time." It could wind up being worth it, though - you never know.

Anyway, it is 11:05pm and I really need to get to bed. I took a Sominex sleep aid earlier and I am really starting to feel it. I am very grateful, though, for the fact that a day like today is finally over and that there isn't any of it that a good night's sleep can't "fix." So, I fully intend to go get one of those good night's sleeps for myself. Goodnight.