Chapter 163: Rich Girl

Today was the second day of my three-day weekend and, I’m not going to lie, it was even better than the first. My ideal plan for today was to shop until I literally dropped. After paying on my phone bill, paying my Mom back money that I owed her and buying cigarettes, I still had about $350. My plan was to make it out of the weekend with $150. Where would those $200 in the middle go? Anywhere I felt like! It is a good feeling to be able to go out and just kind of drop cash wherever you feel like dropping cash. I mean, it’s not like I had some unlimited supply of cash or anything like that, and I still had to give plenty of thought to how much I was spending in each store but it was still nice to be able to go out shopping without having to limit myself to just one or two items from one store. Instead, I got to do a good few items from a few different stores!

Before I detail my shopaholic adventures, though, let me talk a little bit about last night. After having had a LOT of trouble falling asleep the past few nights, I decided last night to try a pre-emptive strike against that by taking some Tylenol PM at around midnight. I figured that would give me a little time to dick around a bit and be ready for bed by 1:30am or so. I got in bed at around 1am and, once again, couldn’t fall asleep. I think a lot of my sleep issue recently has been the fact that it has been staying so hot in my bedroom. I’m not sure what it is exactly but my bedroom has been staying hotter than the living room or anywhere else in the house. It’s really weird and I really think that the temperatures and humidity rising so suddenly here lately has made a major difference in my sleep. If I am cold, I can sleep just fine but if I get hot it is a completely different story. So, last night I lied in bed for about 2 hours and, finally, got up and went and laid on the couch in the living room. The temperature was much more bearable out there. Once I got there, I fell right to sleep pretty much. That would be all fine and dandy, except that the couch that we have here is not really suited to being slept on. It just isn’t comfortable to lie on – at least, not to lie on for 8 hours or so while you sleep. Still, from 3am until 11:30am, it is where I laid sleeping. I woke up with a bit of a crick in my neck, which sucks, but at least I managed to sleep pretty well.

My Mom was working some overtime until 1pm so after waking up at 11:30am I had a decent amount of time to dick around before getting dressed and ready to go out. I messed around online until about 12:15pm when I headed into the bathroom to get ready for the day. I decided to do something I don’t usually do and hooked up my iPod speakers in the bathroom to play some music while I got ready. I put on a playlist of Leighton Meester’s leaked tracks and official singles and hopped in the shower. I shaved my face, (and managed to avoid cutting the shit out of myself, like I did last weekend,) moisturized and put on makeup. I figured, since it was going to be a leisurely day of shopping, I would do a makeup look that was a little fun, a little bright and really over the top. I wore a t-shirt with a black, pink and silver design, so I decided to throw together a makeup look using those colors.



I really kind of loved the way it came out. Spoiler alert: I didn't love it by the end of the day. It was hot as hell out today and the air conditioning has been out in my Mom's car for ages, so as the day wore on this look wound up a bit of a mess. Still, I was feeling really cute for the first part of the day! I didn't eat anything in the time before my Mom came home and she hadn't eaten much while at work, so we decided to go get lunch before doing anything else. Since we were heading to the Gulf Gate area, anyway, we decided to go have lunch at Red Lobster. Back when we had a lot more money than we do now, we used to eat at Red Lobster pretty frequently. We hadn't been there in a really long time at this point so we both decided it would be a good idea. It was a really good idea, actually. I had a Wood-Grilled Shrimp Salad and a bowl of Creamy Potato Bacon soup, both of which were delicious. I was pretty happy with myself because it was kind of a healthier lunch choice than I could have made. Plus, like I said, it was really tasty. After lunch, we headed over to the Gulf Gate "mall," because I have been obsessed with shopping at Old Navy lately. I was not disappointed with it, either. I was never a fan of Old Navy back in the day because I always felt like their clothes were kind of plain. It's funny because that is exactly the reason why I am so into them now. I feel like my personal style is going through a bit of an evolution right now, in a lot of ways. I am feeling a lot less into clothes with designer names all over them and more into just solids and simple patterns in fun, bright colors. This is definitely my look for Spring/Summer. Plus, I feel like you don't really need to be showing off designer names to show your style - it's more about how you carry yourself and how you wear your clothes. Plus, with solids and simple patterns you kind of have more opportunity to dress them up by way of accessories and makeup and things of that nature. I don't know... I just like it.



I picked up four really cute t-shirts at Old Navy. Three v-necks in pink heather, a darkish blue heather and a plain baby blue, as well as a lavender crew neck t-shirt. Like I have mentioned various times here, pink and purple are my colors for Spring/Summer, and I am kind of in love with the brightly colored heather stuff that so many different companies are doing this season. I bought these four tees and a really cute pair of brown hard bottomed flip flops with green and blue plaid fabric straps for under $50, which is awesome. This is exactly why I love to shop at Old Navy. There was this boy working in the Old Navy store who kept kind of giving me the eye, too. He was really cute, in an offbeat way, and I was trying to get in his register line so I could flirt with him a bit. Sadly, this girl on another register shouted for me to come to her. Oh well. After Old Navy, I headed over to another favorite store of mine in that same plaza, Ulta. Normally, I shop at the Ulta on University, in the plaza with the "Super Target," but since I was in this area already I decided to go ahead to this one. I had a bit of an ulterior motive in going to that Ulta, anyway, because this is the one where Whitney works and I was hoping to pop in and say hello to her. Sadly, she was not working today. Still, I did need a couple of things from there.



I only got two things from Ulta. The cute purple bottle there is Urban Decay's Primer Potion, which is supposed to be the best eyeshadow primer out there. I have been using the Ulta Professional brand primer and, while it works alright, I have been wanting to try something different and it seems like every girl and drag queen on YouTube uses the Urban Decay stuff. The main reason I wanted to try this one in particular is because it has a wand applicator that pulls out the perfect amount of product, and I feel like I have a tendency to use more than I need normally. So, this stuff cost me $18 and I am hoping it will be worth it. I also needed to pick up some concealer. I had initially planned on buying a bottle of the concealer that April gave me a sample of but I found out that it is $43 for the bigger sized tube of that stuff. As much as I understand the concept of "you get what you pay for," I have a lot of trouble justifying paying nearly twice what I paid for my prized possession, the NYX S104 eyeshadow palette with 78 colors, for a simple concealer. That's a LOT of money. Still, I needed some sort of concealer. I decided to see if they had the NYX concealer in a color aside from the orange that I got, which really doesn't work for me, but they didn't seem to carry any of the NYX concealers there. I wound up picking up a concealer stick from Pop Beauty, which I am pretty optimistic about. It is a little disheartening, though, that I spent nearly $50 on just two items. I am not a cheap person by any means but I typically like to try to get as much bang as possible for my buck. Still, I think these are both pretty awesome products and are probably well worth the cost.

As an added bonus, Ulta has this thing where they always ask you if you want to try two free issues of In Style magazine, which I typically say no to, but the girl that was checking me out today was like, "You get a free gift if you do," which piqued my interest a bit. Then she pulled out the free gift and I was pretty well sold. The free gift was a Calvin Klein bag, with a small sized bottle of Eternity, which my Mom loves. I have been wanting to get a new bag, and have been planning on a Calvin Klein bag anyway, so this seemed kind of perfect. Initially, I had a bit of attitude about actually using the bag because it was a "gift with purchase," but after inspecting it a bit I really kind of fell in love with it. It's not like your usual "gift with purchase" items, which are kind of low quality and cheap looking. It is a full-sized messenger bag, a little bigger than the one I currently carry, and is really well made. The more I looked at it, the more I have kind of fallen in love with it.



It's gray with a black "leather" flap, with a little metal piece with the Calvin Klein logo on it. I have already transferred all of the stuff from my old bag into it and, like I said, am kind of in love with it. It's really cute and, even better, is really lightweight and easy to carry. I love it. I don't know why I would have such attitude about something just because it was free. Free is the best price for things, as long as they are good quality items and this definitely is. Plus, how awesome is it that all I had to do to get it was sign up for two free issues of In Style magazine. I need to talk to Whitney about how that works, though, because I'm not sure the catch. I mean, I assume the catch is that if you don't respond by a certain point you are automatically subscribed and charged for a year of In Style, which I don't see as a bad thing at all. The In Style subscription is only $24.95 for a whole year, which is much less than you would pay for a year's worth of that magazine if you just bought it every month in the store. Plus, I love In Style, so I will probably just let it automatically subscribe.

After leaving Ulta, my Mom and I discussed going to get our eyebrows done. I have been thinking about doing this for a while now but have never been sure whether or not I want to do that. My only issue is that I don't want to have super feminine looking eyebrows - I am not a drag queen, after all. I still want to look like a man... just a pretty man. I don't want to tweeze, though, because I don't entirely understand how to tweeze or how to achieve the shape I want from tweezing and I have seen far too many people who have fucked up looking eyebrows because of over-tweezing. I don't want to do that. So, I am still considering getting my eyebrows done. When we got to the place where my Mom wanted to get hers done they seemed kind of busy, so we decided that maybe we would save that for tomorrow. We stopped by Starbucks for some coffee and then went over to Borders. As I mentioned in the video blog last night, I could easily have gone to Books-A-Million right in the same plaza as Ulta and Old Navy but I wanted to go to Borders and say hello to April, who was there closing. April and I talked for quite a while there and got a chance to have a really good chat, which was nice. We only saw each other like 2 weeks ago but there was still plenty to catch up on. It was really nice and I was glad to have a chance to see her for a bit. I miss hanging out with my friends, like April and Devin, and Whitney and Nate. While at Borders, I also picked up a couple of books.




The second in Lauren Conrad's series, "LA Candy," and RuPaul's new book, "Workin' It!: RuPaul's Guide To Life, Liberty & The Pursuit Of Style." I really loved the first book in the Lauren Conrad series and am pretty excited to read this new one, and the RuPaul book was automatically amazing as soon as it was handed to me by my friend, Wayne, who works at Borders, as well. It's just fun and fabulous and full of awesome pics of Ru! I am really excited to read that. Overall, the trip to Borders was a lot of fun. Afterwards, my Mom and I decided to take a little drive out on Siesta Key, which was fun. I'm not sure what exactly it is but we both love to drive along the beaches here in town. There is a lot of natural beauty in this area and the beaches are the best of it all, so it is cool to take a ride out there and just kind of take it all in... take it all in from the car, where you don't have to deal with all the sand and people and stuff. Then we headed out to Venice. We had agreed yesterday that we wanted to have Panda Express for dinner tonight. For those not in the know, Panda Express is basically a fast food version of Chinese food. Typically they can be found in the food court in a mall but there is a free-standing one in Venice with a drive through. It is super convenient, although I guess it isn't all THAT convenient considering we drive all the way to Venice for it. Still, it is in the same plaza as my Mom's favorite Ross store, so it gives her an excuse to go shop there. My Mom is obsessed with stores like Ross, Marshall's and TJ Max. I used to always think that was silly but I have since come to realize the beauty of those places. Don't get me wrong, I'd still take Burlington Coat Factory over any of those places but they are basically the same concept - good quality stuff at really marked down prices. Why not pay less for the things that you would want to buy anyway? It's pretty genius, really. My Mom bought an entire outfit, including shoes, for under $25 today there. It was really cute, too. My Mom doesn't buy herself clothes and such often enough, so it makes me happy when she'll go out and buy a whole outfit or something. While we were at Ross, I decided to give something a try, as well. Initially, I had found a couple of things I wanted but nothing I was crazy over and was just going to leave it at that but then my Mom mentioned something that got me thinking a bit. I have been saying a lot recently that I wanted to get a new bedspread and sheets and such because the comforter I had before was pretty messed up. I had this pink satin comforter, which was a baby pink type color on one side and a darker, more hot pink color on the other and, for some reason, a few days after buying it I noticed it was starting to come apart at the seams. I found this really annoying and have been talking about getting something new ever since. Still, I don't really use a comforter that often and it is really just kind of for looks on my bed so it wasn't something that I made a priority. Still, I have been thinking a lot about trying to make my bed a nicer environment lately and as soon as my Mom brought it up to me I knew now was the time. Ross is actually a really good place to shop for bedding because it is really expensive in actual bedding and home stores, like Bed, Bath & Beyond or something like that. Ross has good quality bedding for much less money. I found this really adorable sheet set with a hot pink paisley design with hearts in it and a very thin comforter that had the exact same design as my previous one, (baby pink on one side, hot pink on the other,) but in a much more durable fabric than satin.



I am in love with this bed set! It is adorable, although I do ask that you excuse the fact that with the lighting of the picture and the fact that there is shit on the floor, my house kind of resembles a crack den in this pic. My Mom and I have both come to the decision that we since we have decided to sign another 13 month lease on this apartment, we need to get it looking much better than it has the past 13 months. Basically, we haven't decorated the place yet. No pictures on the walls or anything like that - it is just very plain. We have decided that since we are going to be staying here, and since we have family coming to visit for my brother's wedding, we need to get this place looking like a real home instead of like we JUST moved in, which is how it has looked for the past year. It is a really nice apartment we have here - we just haven't done anything with it. So, we have decided to change that. For me, a nice new bed set is the first step. It's a baby step but even a baby step is a step. When we got home, I made the bed all up and had to get my Mom to help with a couple of things, like moving the mattress around to put on the "skirt," which is really just the flat sheet. I hate flat sheets, so I normally just toss them aside, but I somehow came up with the idea to make it the skirt and I think it turned out really well. Anyway, while my Mom was in here it somehow came up that my bedroom seemed to stay really hot all the time and how I felt like that was messing with my sleep lately. I have one of those funky lamps with a bunch of different lights that you can move in different directions and my Mom thought that may be what is heating up the room. That idea never dawned on me but it seemed logical enough. I pulled out this really cute little lamp that we had laying around and put it on my nightstand and turned off the big, funky lamp and it has really made a world of difference. My room feels so much cooler than it did before. So, I am hoping that with a cute, new environment to sleep in and a much cooler temperature I will be able to just fall asleep without all the trouble. We'll see. Of course, it is nearly 4am now and I am still awake not because I had trouble sleeping but because I have taken forever to write this blog because I have been dicking around with other things.

I should get to bed. Before I do that, though, I wanted to talk about something that I stumbled upon this evening that I have fallen in love with. There is this absolutely amazing band called The Bird & The Bee, made up of Inara George and the brilliant producer/songwriter Greg Kurstin. Greg Kurstin has worked with a long list of my favorite artists, including Little Boots, Nelly Furtado, Lily Allen, Rilo Kiley, Britney Spears, Sia and, most notably, Darren Hayes and Kylie Minogue. He also took large part in one of my favorite, most under-rated albums, "The Orange Album" by Stefy. Essentially, what I am saying is that this guy knows his shit when it comes to crafting great music. They've had two albums thus far, "The Bird & The Bee" and "Ray Guns Are Not Just The Future," both of which have been completely brilliant. They are a really great band. I had no idea, though, that they had another album coming out already. Still, I stumbled upon this album tonight and downloaded it immediately. The real kicked is the title and concept of this new album. It is called, "Interpreting The Masters, Volume 1: A Tribute To Daryl Hall And John Oates," and it is, exactly as the title states, a Hall & Oates tribute record. Now, in spite of my lover for 80s music, I have never really been a fan of Hall & Oates. I get that they are really good songwriters but the general sound of their music was never all that appealing to me. Hearing their music reinterpreted by The Bird & The Bee, though, I absolutely love it! They stay pretty true to the original versions of a lot of song but the vocals are immensely better and they put a really cool electronic spin on a lot of the songs that really adds a lot to them. There are also a few songs that I wasn't familiar with before, songs that are my favorite on this record, like "Heard It On The Radio," "One On One," and my personal favorite, "Rich Girl." They also do really great covers of some of the Hall & Oates song I was familiar with, like "Maneater," "Private Eyes," "She's Gone," "Sara Smile," and my very favorite track on this record, "Kiss On My List." I always kind of liked the general vibe of that song but thought the lyrics were super cheesy. I also never really knew any of the lyrics beyond "your kiss, your kiss is on my list." Listening to their version, I finally paid attention to the rest of the lyrics and it is actually a really sweet, and even more, really well-written song. I really like the lyrics a lot. They are still cheesy but that kind of adds to the charm of the song. I highly recommend this record to everybody. I highly recommend anything by The Bird & The Bee, honestly, but this would probably be a really good gateway to their original stuff. They are amazing. You know what else is amazing? Sleep. I think I am going to go try to get some right now! Goodnight!

Chapter 162: Bullet

Yeah, that about says it all. The only other thing I have to say is: LISTEN TO JESSIE JAMES! She is brilliant!

Chapter 161: 21 Things I Want In A Lover

So, I think everybody who knows me has to be certain of one thing about me, perhaps more than anything else they may know about me: I want a LOT out of life. I have discussed in the blog how I have long felt that, for me, my life would always come down to a choice between my personal relationships and my creative work. As horrible as it may seem to all of you living outside of my head, that choice has always been and will always be kind of a no-brainer. I have known since I was just a child that I am destined for great things in this world. I was put here on this planet to be an inspiration to others and to really make a difference in this world. If it is between that and having fulfilling friendships and romantic relationships, I will always take making a real difference in the world. It is more important to me than anything else in this world. However, over the past few months, I have come to realize that it doesn’t have to be a choice between the two – I can’t imagine any reason why I can’t have it all. I deserve it all and, damn it, I intend to have it all! This has led me to my recent decision to open myself up to the possibility of finding somebody to date and have sex with and such. Okay, so I want somebody for more than just dating and sex – I want to make a genuine connection.

I was listening to my favorite album from Alanis Morissette, “Under Rug Swept,” a little while ago and was struck by the very first song on this record, “21 Things I Want In A Lover.” This has always been one of those songs that I enjoyed but never really put too much thought into. Listening to it today, though, it really inspired me. All of the different self-help books that I have read stress the importance of getting a clear idea of exactly what it is you want out of life, whether that is in a job, a lifestyle or a companion. It seems to me that this is exactly what Alanis Morissette did with this song. In keeping with that concept, I figured it could be a decent exercise to list 21 Things that I want in a lover. Like the song says, these are “not necessarily needs but qualities that I’d prefer.” So, let’s get right to it.

1. Somebody unusual – by this I mean that I want somebody with a different way of thinking and behaving than what is typically considered the norm, i.e. a free thinker, somebody not caught up in society’s concepts of what a guy is supposed to be.

2. Somebody attractive – not necessarily movie star attractive or anything of that nature but somebody that I am attracted to. I don’t really have a type and am attracted to a LOT of different types of people. There just has to be that something about them that I am drawn to physically.

3. Somebody in tune with themselves – one of the most important qualities one can have is knowledge of themselves, their personality and their behaviors. More than that, though, somebody who understands their own instincts and follows them as much as they can.

4. Somebody who is comfortable with moving at my pace – As I have recently learned in my piano lessons, I have issues with timing. When playing the piano, I always try to play things faster than I should be – I get ahead of myself. I realized that I do the same thing with most things in my life, particularly my relationships. I need somebody who will be comfortable with moving quickly but at the same time…

5. Somebody who will keep me in line – When I am trying to move quicker than I should be or when I am just wholly inappropriate, which can be often, I need somebody who knows me well enough and cares enough to stop me before I make rash decisions or do things that I may wind up regretting.

6. Somebody who can keep up with me – I am a rapidly evolving creature. I know that all people are constantly growing and evolving but I have a tendency to make any changes in my life or my way of thinking very suddenly and rapidly. It can often be difficult for people to keep up with… in fact, it can pretty well be impossible for people to keep up with.

7. Somebody supportive of my dreams – As I said, I have known since I was just a child that I am destined to make a difference in this world and one of the most important qualities a person I may get involved with can have is the ability to genuinely support me in the dreams I have… and there are a LOT of dreams that I have, so this person needs to be ready to be a cheerleader for a lot of different things.

8. Somebody who is okay with sharing – no, I’m not talking about orgies, you perverts! I mean that I need somebody who will be okay with not always being the first thought that comes to mind, or being a part of the thought and not the entire thought. Like I said, I have a lot of goals in life and if I am ever going to make them happen for me I simply cannot allow another person to be my main focus. They will certainly be a large part of the focus but not the entirety of it. I need somebody who will be okay with that.

9. Somebody who makes me look at the world differently – I don’t necessarily mean somebody who will completely change the way that I look at the world but somebody who will be able to put things into a different perspective. I am a pretty single-minded person at times and, hard as I try, sometimes have trouble seeing the world from other people’s perspectives. I need somebody in my life that will be able to make me stop and think about these things.

10. Somebody who will call me on my bullshit – I have a lot of it and I need somebody who will call me on all of the shit that I will inevitably try to pull, but who will know well enough to do it in a way that doesn’t make me completely resentful. Like the Hilary Duff song says, “Just do it with love.”

11. Somebody who can keep me stimulated – this has multiple meanings. I am a person who needs to be stimulated in a lot of ways. If I am idle for too long, my mind begins to wander to all kinds of crazy places. In terms of a relationship, that has been known to lead to all kinds of trouble. I need somebody who will be present enough, both emotionally and physically, to keep me from jumping to conclusions about what our relationship really is.

12. Somebody who makes me feel important – I want somebody who will put me up on a pedestal and, in turn, who I will put up on a pedestal just as high.

13. Somebody who is sure of themselves and sure of me – I need somebody in my life who will not always be worried about things going horribly wrong. I do enough of that worrying myself and I will need somebody whose certainty can inspire the same type of certainty in me.

14. Somebody who has a creative outlet – I have a wide variety of creative outlets and I need somebody who will not be threatened by that and who has just as much of their own. I want somebody in my life who is just as much of an artist as I am, or just as passionate about whatever it is they do as I am about what I do.

15. Somebody spiritual – I need somebody who has a strong belief system. It doesn’t necessarily have to match mine but I will have trouble relating to somebody who doesn’t have a strong belief in the power they have inside of themselves.

16. Somebody funny – I need somebody who will make me laugh and who will be able to banter back and forth with me and share in my laughter. I had this boyfriend before who would just get into these hilarious conversations with me in front of other people and it would be like we were putting on a show for others – we would make each other and everybody else around us laugh. I loved that and would like that in somebody in my life moving forward.

17. Somebody with similar interests to mine, but not exactly the same – I want somebody who enjoys the same type of things that I do, but who doesn’t do all the same things that I do. I have a small competitive streak in me and would not want somebody in my life who would incite envy in me if I felt like they were doing better at what I do than I am. Plus, I would want to be able to teach them a bit about what I do and learn a bit from them about what they do, as well.

18. Somebody inquisitive – One of my favorite qualities in a mate is somebody who is inquisitive, always wanting to learn more and explore anything that they are faced with. I have that quality myself but often keep it quieted inside myself. I want somebody in my life that will bring that quality out in me more.

19. Somebody who loves pop culture – I mentioned previously that I want somebody who is also an artist and has an appreciation for various types of art, but I also want somebody who shares my passion for all things entertainment. I want somebody in my life who I can ask things like, “OMG Did you hear about Jennifer Aniston?” or “OMG Have you heard the new Heidi Montag song?” who will be able to answer “Yes,” and share in my excitement over silly things like that.

20. Somebody who is not overly “romantic” – Of course, I want somebody who is sweet and considerate but I do not want somebody who has an overt interest in the typical, cliché concept of “romance.” I don’t want flowers or candy or fancy dinners or any of those old school concepts of love. I don’t want to be wined and dined at all. I want somebody to do nice things for me that are specific to me and to him and to our relationship. I don’t need grand gestures. I just need somebody who will always be making it clear that they are there for me.

21. Somebody with a nice ass – I don’t have a lot of physical requirements but the one thing of the utmost importance, physically, is having an ass. Those people who just have a “back with a crack” need not apply. It doesn’t have to be perfect or anything, just something nice to grab a hold of.

So, there you have it. I’m not sure how productive that really was but it was a way to write a blog after a wholly uninteresting day. I also feel like it was pretty informative. Basically, I am looking for somebody to rein in my various types of crazy. Honestly, I know that I am not that crazy anymore – not nearly as crazy as I used to be. I also understand, though, that I definitely have the potential to go back to that place and highly emotional situations like relationships tend to bring those things out in me. I essentially need somebody who won’t let that happen. The thing is, though, I really need to be able to rein my crazy in myself. I really do believe I am capable of it at this point, but I haven’t been in a relationship in a very long time so I can’t honestly be too certain of that. I have grown a lot in the time since my last romantic entanglements, though, and I am pretty confident that I would be able to handle myself much better than I did before. Like I said, though, I can never be TOO sure.

In other news, a couple of members of my “good” family, my Mom’s side of the family, confirmed today that they will be flying out for my brother’s wedding. I could not be more excited about this! I am really happy that we will get a chance to see them. It’s been too long. Also, today saw the world premiere of the first single from the new album by one of my favorite bands of all-time, Scissor Sisters. The song is called “Invisible Light” and it is very different than anything they have done before but it is completely brilliant. I knew that there was a new album coming but I had no idea there would be a single coming so soon. The music industry has not been the most interesting thing in the world lately but with this new Scissor Sisters record coming out soon, as well as new records by some of my other favorite artists like Christina Aguilera, Jewel, etc., it looks like 2010 is on it’s way to becoming a much better year for music than it has been so far. I am very glad for that. Lastly, I am finally on my three-day weekend! I am really excited for it. I will not sit here and discuss any of the million things that I want to do with my time this weekend, since I have already done plenty of that over the past few days, but I will just say that I am ready to have a really fun, relaxing weekend. Starting right now! Goodnight.

Chapter 160: Hello Goodbye

Today was a pretty interesting day. Well, kind of interesting, anyway. Last night I had the same problem as the night before – I just couldn’t fall asleep. It was around 2:30am by the time I fell asleep again. I didn’t wake up this morning until just before 8am. My Mom was still in bed, too. It was just kind of assumed at that point that we wouldn’t be working out. I used that time to get in a last little bit of piano practice in preparation for my lesson this evening. My Mom and I did sit down to breakfast together again, which was nice. I enjoyed it. It wasn’t long, though, before we had to rush off to our separate sides of the house to get ready for the day. I always try to make it a point to dress well on Wednesday because it isn’t just for work but for piano lessons, as well. Don’t get me wrong, I make it a point to dress well every day but Wednesday I do make every attempt to look particularly nice. I suppose it has something to do with how good looking my piano instructor, Viktor, is. I understand that is a lost cause because he is married… and to a woman! I was very surprised to learn that. Damn Europeans, being so well dressed and comfortable with their feminine sides! Still, I think it’s just the fact that I am around people other than my co-workers and my family on Wednesday. Today I put together an outfit that I really loved, with a lavender heather v-neck t-shirt from Old Navy and my favorite jeans, and accessorized with very subtle hints of red. Based on this outfit, I decided to do a red and purple makeup look today, as well. I know that red and purple sounds like an unusual combination but it is just unusual enough to really work well and I am kind of in love with it lately. So, I brushed red shadow all over the lid and put lavender shadow in the crease and blended outward, bringing it down under the lower lashline for a really funky, offbeat look. I liked it a lot. I felt cute today. I feel cute most days, honestly, but today I felt particularly cute.

Work passed fairly quickly today. I spent most of the day drawing faces with different makeup looks, which has become how I spend most days at work. I also corrected the notes I found out I had marked incorrectly last week in the songbook Viktor has me working out of. I timed my first break perfectly with my Mom’s and, since we missed our workout this morning, we walked a lap around the parking lot. I had to tattle on a co-worker today, which is never a good feeling but when somebody else’s issues start interfering with your shit you have to do something about it, as far as I am concerned. I didn’t really “tattle,” per se, but I voiced my concerns to my supervisor. I had lunch with my Mom. We have been for a while now packing a lunch in the morning and because my lunch break and one of her 15-minute breaks coincide, we get to take our break and eat together. It’s a pretty sweet deal. On one of those breaks we took together I started telling my Mom about the “Glee” online casting call and how I was considering submitting a video for it. Over the course of last night that pretty well went from “considering” to “planning on.” I don’t know what it is but I just have a good feeling about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily have a feeling that I will be cast on “Glee” from it but I have a feeling that it could be a really good thing for me in one way or another. I discussed with my Mom the song choices they have for one to audition to – the list includes some really big songs, like “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going,” which I would never dream of trying, “Hate On Me” by Jill Scott, which I am seriously considering, “Keep Holding On” by Avril Lavigne, which I am also seriously considering and, of course, “Don’t Rain On My Parade.” Ideally, I would make my audition video singing that song. I have to admit, though, that is only because ideally I would have the voice to sing that song. As confident as I am in my vocal abilities, and as much as I love to really push the limits of my voice, I just don’t think I could pull that off. I am still going to practice it a bit to see if I can maybe push myself to a point where I could pull it off… but it’s not looking good based on the times that I’ve tried it so far. I’m kind of stuck between the choice of “Hate On Me” and “Keep Holding On.” I figure, what is most important about this choice is that it has to be something that I can sing well, first of all, and make a genuine emotional connection to. Both of these songs would fit that category. It’s just a matter of which side of myself I want to portray. I think “Hate On Me” would be a good choice because it has a lot of attitude, is a lot of fun and would allow me to show off my more playful, upbeat side which tends to get a wider reaction from people. “Keep Holding On,” on the other hand, would kind of do the exact opposite – it is a song that I have always felt a very personal connection to and one that would allow me to show my softer, more emotional side. That could also be a really good thing, considering this is not just a singing audition but an acting audition, as well. “Hate On Me” is a more soulful, R&B type of song, which I have always been good at and comfortable with. “Keep Holding On” has more of an edge to it, and is very pop with a slight rock twist to it, which is more the sound that I have always wanted to do. I’m considerably less comfortable with the vocal on that song, which almost makes me feel more drawn to that one. I don’t know. It’s a lot to think about. Either way, I am not making the video until after this weekend when I get my hair cut because I don’t want to look a hot mess in my video and that is what my hair looks like right now. So, I’ve got time to practice each song, as well as “Don’t Rain On My Parade,” and figure out which one works best for me. I am really excited about this, though.

After work, my sister picked me up to drive me down to the Allegro Music Academy. Her girlfriend got off work right around the same time and rode with us. On the way there, the main topic of conversation was my brother’s wedding and our family members who will be attending. My sister and I were both pretty sad that only my Dad’s side of the family were coming and that my Mom’s side, or what we call “The good side,” wouldn’t be able to make it. We were both saying how much we would rather see them than the other side of the family. We were only joking, of course, but there is definitely some truth behind every joke. As I discussed in a recent blog, my Dad’s side of the family were all pretty oppressive forces for my sister and I in our formative years, whereas my Mom’s side have always been nothing but loving, accepting and a joy to be around. It would be really nice to see them again. We also shared some of the more fucked up stories about our Dad’s side of the family, because there is a pretty sordid history there, and all had a good laugh about it. I got to the Allegro Academy at 6:37pm, and found Viktor there waiting in the lobby. He was there with the same little black girl that has her lessons before me, who was still there waiting for her parents to pick her up. I’m not sure the story with that girl, but it always makes me really sad seeing her waiting there. She just always looks kind of sad and it breaks my heart. I can’t think of much that is worse than seeing a child looking sad. Kids aren’t supposed to have the type of look that this girl always seems to have when I arrive there. It makes me really sad. Viktor waited with her a few minutes longer until her parents got there and sent me into the piano room to wait for him. So, I set up my sheet music there and waited. When he came in, he asked me what I had gotten done in the past week. I told him that I was able to play both sides separately at full speed and at the same time at a very slow speed. We spent the bulk of today’s lesson playing that piece and then him correcting minor things that I had gotten incorrect, like holding certain keys down longer than I should and not holding others long enough. It felt like a very productive lesson. My homework was to continue working on this same piece, as well as working on learning a new piece, as well. I like this workload. It is very appealing. He did urge me, though, not to get too impressed with my progress at home because I will give myself a false sense of security about it. It was a very good piece of advice, as far as I am concerned. I am very good at getting a little too impressed with myself, so I need to watch myself. He also mentioned something that he had mentioned before, in passing, and I had kind of allowed myself to forget about – the recital they are having at the Allegro Academy. Apparently, it is taking place on May 16, 2010. That is really soon. That also just seems really awkward to me. I mean, I do see a lot of adults there for lessons and such, so I assume it isn’t going to be entirely made up of children but the idea of having a “recital” just seems so… grade school. I mean, I would feel like a huge dork bringing my mother to see my piano recital or something. I don’t know about this whole thing. It kind of freaks me out. Maybe if I could play “Speechless” by Lady Gaga or something, I’d feel a little better about it because I could call it a performance, as opposed to a recital. I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing but Viktor seems to really want me to take part in it. He tells me that I am progressing really well. I figure I will probably end up playing in the recital but I’m not sure how I will feel about it. After all, I probably do need to play in front of other people, so why not at a recital? It still seems weird.

After my lesson, and my hour-long wait on the streets of Bradenton, my Mom and I picked up dinner from Steak & Shake and came home for a very sad, momentous evening of television. Just as last night saw the return of one of my favorite TV shows, tonight saw the Series Finale of one of my favorite shows of all-time – “Ugly Betty.” My Mom and I have watched “Ugly Betty” together ever since the show first started. We were both big fans of America Ferrera after seeing “Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants,” and were really into the concept of the show – short, stubby girl with glasses and braces and general social awkwardness gets a job at a fashion magazine. What’s not to love? It was an absolutely brilliant series and stayed that way throughout its four seasons. I am very sad to see it end, although the writers found the absolute perfect way to wrap up the entire series. It was amazing and the tears were plentiful. Like I said, I am very sad to see this series end. It was not just a weekly dose of fun, camp, fashion and intrigue but, more than anything else, it was one of the most positive, optimistic television shows I have ever seen. Betty was a real inspiration to me, personally, because she was a girl who was living in a world in which she was an outsider but she never failed to always try to do the right thing and hold on to her faith in people doing the same. I absolutely loved that and have kind of striven for the same thing in my own life. So, rest in peace, Betty Suarez – you will be missed.

For now, though, it is 12:33am and I really need to get to bed. I am sure that I am not going to have the same problems with falling asleep tonight as I did the last two nights – I am really tired. It was a long day and I am glad to see it end. Not to say that it was a bad day in any way, in fact, it was actually a pretty good day. I am just really looking forward to tomorrow. Namely, I am looking forward to the end of tomorrow when I get to leave work and not go back for three whole days! I am sure it is going to do me a whole world of good. I am excited for it! As listed here in the blog over the past few days, I have about a million different things that I would like to do this weekend. Clearly, they will not all get done for either financial or time purposes. The main things I want to do are shop at Old Navy and get a haircut. A trip to Ulta would definitely be nice, as well. I am seriously considering ordering the Denim Daypack Bag from Calvin Klein, which has recently been marked down to $29.99 on the website, as well as possibly the Calvin Klein Coated Logo Wallet, which is only $19.60 or the Coated Logo Front Pocket Zip Wallet, which has a really cute European vibe and is marked down to $12.60. It’d be a little bit of a splurge but would probably be worth it – I could use a new Spring/Summer bag. I’m not sure what all I am going to do this weekend but I am going to make sure that all of it is fun and relaxing. Speaking of relaxing, I really need to get to doing that right now. The sooner I get to sleep, the closer I am to getting off tomorrow night! I cannot wait. Goodnight.

Chapter 159: That’s What I’m Here For

Today was… well, it just was. I woke up this morning at 7:30am when my alarm went off and wasn’t able to relish the fact that I didn’t actually need to be awake yet, like I did yesterday, so the day kind of started off on a sour note right there. Still, I forced myself out of bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, smoked a cigarette and drank a cup of coffee and put a smile on my face. Now, let me just say that this was pretty difficult, considering I had a very hard time falling asleep last night. I wound up staying awake until around 2:30am, after lying in bed for an hour and a half trying to fall asleep. It sucked, but it happens from time to time. Normally, I don’t have that problem unless I am anxious or nervous about something but that was not the case last night. It was strange. Either way, I was feeling the effects of getting less sleep than usual this morning and when it came time to work out I was feeling the urge to just skip today. My Mom didn’t sleep well, either, so she seemed like she would go along with skipping, as well. Still, I didn’t work out yesterday and if I am ever going to see results from this effort I have to actually put in the full amount of effort necessary. So, I pushed myself and, in turn, pushed my Mom, as well. Turns out, we got a really great workout this morning. I’m not sure if it was the fact that we were both pushing ourselves harder than usual or if it was the added inspiration of this morning’s workout soundtrack, RuPaul’s album “Champion,” but it really was a great workout. Speaking of the RuPaul album, I have to say it is the best workout soundtrack I have used yet – it is full of the perfect beats and, as I discussed in another recent blog, is full of really inspirational, motivational lyrics. I absolutely loved working out to that record. If you’ve been following the blog recently, or my Facebook page, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve developed quite the obsession with RuPaul lately. She is my muse lately – I have just been finding so much inspiration from her music, her TV show and her general image/personality. I love that drag queen to death!

After working out, I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles for breakfast and chatted with my Mom for a bit. We hadn’t really had much of a chance to talk since she had gotten back into town yesterday because we were in a rush before work, didn’t get to take lunch together like we normally do and were kind of distracted last night watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” We just had a bit of idle chatter about what we each did over the weekend and stuff. It was nice, though. We normally don’t talk much in the mornings. I mean, we work out together, but aside from that we spend most mornings rushing around to get ready for work on our opposite ends of the apartment. It was nice to take a little time to chat and eat breakfast together. Of course, this didn’t last all that long before we did have to rush off to our separate sides of the house to get ready. Last night I kind of conceptualized a makeup look using black and gold, kind of inspired by the Sam Sparro song, “Black & Gold,” but not in any real way beyond the fact that I heard the song and wanted to put black and gold together. Still, I was really happy with the look. I did gold all over the lid and black with gold glitter in the crease and blended up and outwards. I liked it a lot. It was kind of unfortunate, though, because I was trying to pick out an outfit that had some gold in it and realized that I have absolutely no gold in my wardrobe, not even jewelry. Actually, that is a lie – I do have one thing that would have matched the makeup perfectly. It is a pretty thick Clandestine Industries hoodie that is black with the batskull logo in gold all up and down the sleeves. It is adorable and I completely fell in love with it when I saw it but have never really worn it much. It is a little too thick for the weather here in Florida and it leaves gold glitter everywhere you go. It just doesn’t really fit in with my personal style at this point, either, but I just can’t bear to part with it. In any sense, I have developed a thing for gold makeup and have decided that I need to work more gold into my wardrobe. I’m not sure how exactly I propose to do that, but I will figure it out.

Work was boring today. Tuesdays are typically my hour lunch day but, fortunately, because I am taking Friday off I do not run the risk of getting overtime at all. This all adds up to me not having to take an hour lunch today. I know, it may sound odd to be trying to avoid taking an hour lunch but it is really boring sitting in the atrium at my job for a whole hour. If I had a car and were able to leave for that hour, I would want an hour lunch every day. Since that is not the case for me, though, taking an hour-long lunch break sucks. It was a pretty laid back day. Not much went on. I tried to start reading this book that one of my co-workers just finished, called “The Seven Great Prayers.” Based on what I have read so far, it is essentially “The Secret,” with a slightly more Christian slant. It’s pretty interesting so far but I just couldn’t bring myself to focus on it for too long at a time. I am pretty intrigued by the whole concept of the book. I feel like it could be a good refresher course on “The Secret,” though, presented in a fresh and different way than the same old “The Secret” that I have read multiple times. I have been trying to get back into that “Secret” frame of mind a lot lately. Some days it is easier than others but I guess that was always the case. It’s just that the harder days are more frequent than the less hard ones now, which was not the case for me a few years ago. Still, I am working on it. It’s strange because I am so confident in myself and so proud of the person that I am but it is still really easy to slip into that place of expecting bad things to happen. Like I said, I am working on it. Plus, I have absolute faith that the Universe is working in my favor – I just need to keep reminding myself of that. Nothing truly bad can happen to me so long as I keep my faith in that.

When I got home from work this evening, I allowed myself to focus on what I was really excited about today – the return of the best show on television, “Glee!” I even came up with a “Glee” inspired makeup look, using yellow, orange and red, like the show’s title card and logo. It was really cute. I can’t help but wonder if it is sad that the highlight of my day, or the thing that I was most looking forward to today, was a TV show. I definitely feel like I could stand to, as the Spice Girls put it, spice up my life. I need to do something. I need to get out more. I need to be more social. I need to spend a little less time living inside my own head. I need to just get the hell out of the house more often. I did finally make some plans for my three-day weekend. I had a little Facebook conversation with one of my nearest and dearest friends, Rachel, and we made plans to hang out on Friday. The plan is basically to find some cute little bistro in town and sit outside and smoke cigarettes and just generally be “leisurely ladies who lunch.” I am pretty excited for that – as I have talked about more than a few times in this blog, hanging out with Rachel just makes me feel better about the world. She has this wonderful ability to put things in a different perspective for me and I absolutely love that about her. I am really excited to go out and just have a little fun, leisure time with her on my three-day weekend. As far as the rest of the weekend, I just want to do a little shopping. Because I don’t have to pay out near as much money from this paycheck as I usually do, I kind of have some extra cash to play around with. I need to go to Target to pick out something off of my brother’s wedding registry. I also want to check out some more of the Sonia Kashuk makeup brushes they have there because I am in love with the set that I picked up there before. If I am going to be down in that plaza on University, I’d be remiss not to stop in at Ulta and see what I can find. I need to pick up a full bottle of the concealer that April gave me a couple weeks ago when we hung out because it is amazing. It works so much better than the orange concealer jar I got from NYX Cosmetics. I don’t know why I thought the orange would be a good idea because I really don’t like it – I just feel like no matter how well I rub it in, you can still see the orange. I don’t want to have orange spots on my face. So, the concealer that April gave me was from Amazing Cosmetics and I definitely need to pick some up because I have fallen in love with that stuff. It looks great on me! Aside from that, though, I can’t really think of much that I need from Ulta. That is probably a good thing because I don’t want to spend too much money there. Where I really want to drop some cash is at Old Navy. Last time I was there, when I was kind of broke, I saw all kinds of adorable things that I fell in love with but couldn’t afford to buy then, so now that I am going to have a little extra cash I definitely want to go back. Plus, I love the fact that Old Navy stuff is really cheap but not low quality and can be paired with all kinds of other things. I am really kind of into more plain clothing these days – I am enjoying wearing basic patterns and solids in cool cuts. Plus, Old Navy seems to have a theme for the Spring of really fun, bright-colored heathers, which I am really loving lately. In any sense, an Old Navy trip is definitely in order this weekend. Depending on where my financial status is by then, I also would like to run by Borders and pick up a few books, and visit April on her Saturday night closing shift. I don’t know. Whatever I do, though, I definitely plan to have fun this weekend. Even more, though, this weekend is all about leisure. I don’t want to face any type of stress or drama this weekend. I just want everything to be relaxed and fun.

So, this evening consisted of “making dinner,” (I just reheated some Turkey Stew that had been in the freezer since Thanksgiving, which was delicious,) “American Idol,” and, most importantly, “Glee!” I happened to take a brief look at one of my favorite websites, Oh No They Didn’t, and the people there seemed to have been slightly disappointed with the return episode of “Glee.” I don’t know what the hell they were talking about, though, because I absolutely loved it! I especially loved the Broadway guest stars in the episode, and probably for the rest of the season, Jonathan Groff, Lea Michele’s co-star in “Spring Awakening,” and the one and only, my favorite Broadway diva, Idina Menzel. Whitney was text messaging me throughout the episode and going on about how pissed off she was with Idina’s character, because she did make a lot of horrible bitch moves, but I couldn’t possibly bring myself to dislike the character. She is too gorgeous and amazing! I just love Idina Menzel so much, she could stab a baby in the face and I would say, “God, she’s so fierce!” Okay, obviously that is a bit extreme, but I think that woman is amazing at whatever she does. She is a brilliant addition to the cast of “Glee.” Speaking of additions to the cast of “Glee,” the producers of the show are doing an Open Casting Call online to find people to fill roles in the second season of the show. You submit a video to the Myspace page for the auditions with a one-minute long personal statement and performing a song from a list provided on the website. I have never fancied myself an actor by any means and it is never really something that I have dreamed of doing but this seems like too cool of an opportunity to pass up. I am seriously considering submitting a video. I don’t know if it would do any good, as far as actually getting on the show, but I think it would be a lot of fun and would be a cool way to get my voice out there to a large number of people, as the videos are posted on the Auditions Myspace page and can be voted on and rated by others. I think it could be a really cool thing to try. I am not 100% sure that I am going to do it yet. The deadline is April 26, 2010. So, we’ll see. Still, there is just something in me that tells me it could be a good idea. Like I said, we’ll see.

It is now 12:29am and I should really be getting to bed. One thing I wanted to mention, though, is the fact that today was the release of “American Idol” Season 7 contestant Jason Castro’s self-titled debut album. I was not particularly a fan of his when he was on the show, mainly because his vocal abilities could not compare to many of the cast of that season, (especially my now-of-legal-age dreamlover, David Archuleta,) and was just not a good fit for “American Idol.” Since his season has ended, though, and I have heard a bit more of his original music I have kind of grown to like him a lot. The album, if you can call it that with only 8 tracks, is very impressive. It is all very singer-songwriter with a pot-smoking edge style, spunky, upbeat songs. Basically, every track on the album kind of has the general vibe of Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours,” but not trying so hard. I listened to this album twice in a row as I wrote this blog and I really love it. My favorite track on this record is probably the song, “That’s What I’m Here For,” which is essentially a song about being there for somebody you love no matter what. It’s a very sweet song and has this lovely, light, airy sound to it that I love. His vocals are much improved from his time on “Idol,” as well. I definitely recommend this record if you are into that singer-songwriter with a reggae/pop twist vibe. I am not normally into that type of thing, honestly, and I love the album. So, really, even if you’re not into that type of thing it is worth checking out. I’m really feeling it right now. What I really need to be feeling right now, though, is my head against a pillow. I am exhausted. I just have tomorrow and Thursday to get through before my slightly extended weekend begins! Wednesdays are normally pretty cool days for me because I have my piano lesson. I put in my 15 minutes of practice this evening and am feeling pretty confident that I will be able to go in there and kick some ass tomorrow evening! We shall see. For now, though, all I can really say is this: Goodnight.

Chapter 158: Where I Wanna Be

I’m going to keep the blog short tonight for a few different reasons. First of all, it was a boring day and I don’t really have a lot to say about it. Secondly, I kind of put off writing the blog until 11:41pm because I was too busy fussing with something new I downloaded and was being anal about in iTunes, (more on that in a moment.) Third, and most of all, I am tired. In spite of the fact that it was a short day at work for me, it felt like a really long day. As mentioned last night, I played hooky for a little bit this morning because I didn’t have the cash to take a cab to work and wasn’t about to walk in the heat that has suddenly returned to us here in Florida. So, when my alarm went off at 7:30am, I woke up and hit snooze until about 9am. I got up then and did my morning facial ritual and made myself a breakfast of Peaches & Cream flavored oatmeal and sat down in front of the TV. I watched a really silly episode of “The Sarah Silverman Program,” where her gay friends, Steve & Brian, made themselves a robot baby that was possessed by the devil and her sister was really into watching gay porn. Like I said, silly… but entertaining. Then I got ready for work, put on my makeup and such and still had quite a bit of time left to wait. Speaking of my makeup today, I wore a white and raspberry colored striped polo from Old Navy and decided to try a makeup look that matched that. It was really kind of over the top, more so than I usually do for work but I guess I was in a mood this morning. First thing when I walked in the door I got complimented on it, actually, so I guess it wasn’t a bad move.

Anyway, as I mentioned, work was pretty boring. Nothing really interesting went on there and I was really glad for the day to end. I am living for Thursday this week – once Thursday comes, I will be golden. I still don’t really have any plans for the three-day weekend but I don’t really think I need any plans. I just need to relax and not think about all the bullshit that goes on at work or anywhere else. I definitely intend to make Friday a day completely to myself. Maybe I’ll do a little online shopping that day or something. Maybe I will turn off my cell phone that day. Maybe I won’t do any of that but that is kind of the beauty of it. I can do whatever the hell I feel like. It is a day completely for myself. I couldn’t be more excited for that! When I came home from work today I watched today’s episode of “The View,” which was interesting but nothing overly appealing to me personally. I spent a good 20-25 minutes at the piano and played the entire piece I have been working on with both hands at a super slow speed. It is much better than I have been doing, though. I think Viktor was absolutely correct when he suggested that I should be practicing just 15 minutes or so a day. It has really helped my progress immensely. I feel much more confident in this piece than I could possibly imagine feeling had I not put in a little practice each day. It really seems like I managed to progress a little more each day than the day before. It really is a good thing and I am very excited about it.

I’m not sure what exactly prompted it but after practicing piano I got this song stuck in my head. It’s kind of a long story. You see, I moved to Arkansas in 1998 and, while I was there, developed this really deep love and passion for the music of the 80s. There was this radio station in our area that did what they called “Nostalgia Weekends,” where they played nothing but 80s music for the entire weekend. Those were always my favorite times to be in the car in Arkansas because they played all this really great music from the 80s, much of which I hadn’t been familiar with before that. One artist that I discovered from those “Nostalgia Weekends,” was Debbie Gibson, and I absolutely fell in love with her. I managed to hunt down most of her albums at that time and really loved each one. Then one day we were in Wal-Mart, which was kind of the place to go there because we were like two towns away from Wal-Mart headquarters. Wal-Mart was a big deal there. Anyway, one day we were at Wal-Mart and I stumbled upon this album by “Deborah” Gibson, just called “Deborah,” that I had never heard of before that point, so obviously I had to have it. I took that album home and fell in love with it. I forced my Mom and my sister to listen to it constantly, as well, and they got pretty into it, too. There was this one song that became a favorite for us all, called “Where I Wanna Be,” that I got stuck in my head. The chorus of this song said, “I tried walking around, around these streets by myself, They said ‘pretty girl, don’t look down,’ but I could look no place else, the smiles, the bed, the telephone, and still I can’t make him see, and I can’t call this life my own because I’m not where I wanna be.” Despite the cheesiness of those lyrics, I think the reason that we all connected to this song so much was because, each in our own ways, that was how we all felt in Arkansas. None of us were where we wanted to be, both physically and in life. That was 11-12 years ago at this point and it is amazing how much your life can change in that time. I really think my Mom, my sister and I are all completely different people than we were at that time. For me, personally, that feeling of not being able to call my life my own because I’m not where I wanna be is long since forgotten. I spent a very long time feeling that way, honestly. I’ve only lost that feeling in the past couple of years. How did I do it? I stopped relying on outside sources to determine where I am at in life. I realized that there is nothing outside of myself that can determine where I am at in any way. As long as I am doing everything I can to grow and expand and become better than I have been in the past inside of myself, it doesn’t matter what my station in life is or what my geographical location is. I don’t have to move to LA to become a star – I am already a star inside myself. The outside will manage to catch up no matter where I wind up. I will make it happen because I already have it on the inside. This is one of the most important lessons that I have ever had the fortune of learning in life and I could not be more grateful for that. Getting that song randomly stuck in my head, though, made me really want to hear it. So, I found that album online to download. I didn’t stop there, though. I started getting all kinds of Debbie Gibson songs stuck in my head and wound up downloading her entire discography, including an album that I hadn’t been aware of called “Colored Lights: The Broadway Album,” which is her covering a collection of songs from a variety of Broadway shows, including “On My Own” from “Les Miserables,” “Maybe This Time” from “Cabaret,” “Let Me Entertain You” from “Gypsy,” as well as two songs from “Funny Girl” and a bunch of others. I am in love with this album right now. That woman has a much greater voice than anybody has given her credit for. Still, I keep going back to the song, “Where I Wanna Be” from the “Deborah” album. Listening to that song now makes me just feel completely grateful and proud of myself, my Mom and my sister for getting out of that place we were in all those years ago. This is just further evidence that the Universe is working in my favor and has been much longer than I have been aware of.

So, this didn’t wind up as short as I initially planned but it has honestly been pretty therapeutic for me tonight and has reminded me to be grateful for where I am instead of focusing on my days dragging or anything like that. Life is a beautiful thing for me and, I really do believe, for everybody else out there – all you have to do is make the conscious decision to see it that way. For now, though, it is 12:24am and I really need to get to bed. I have to get up and work out tomorrow morning. Plus, I came up with this really cute, simple black and gold makeup look that I want to try tomorrow but I can’t think of an outfit to go with it, so wardrobe choices may take more time than usual tomorrow. Either way, I need to be rested, which means I need to get to bed immediately. Goodnight!

Chapter 157: Your Love’s A Drug

So, I am 157 days into this blog and, as I have mentioned previously, I am very proud of the fact that I have managed to maintain it this long and am confident I will be able to maintain it for the next 208 days, however I’d be lying if I said that there weren’t days where it isn’t a nuisance. No, I don’t mean the time it takes to write it or anything of that nature. The nuisance comes more from the fact that other people wind up reading it and oftentimes my words become misconstrued or people make assumptions about how I really feel based on things that I only hint at in here or whatever. The issue is that I am completely honest in this blog and I, for the most part, try to write it as if nobody else is reading it. The thing is, though, people are reading it. I know it’s not a TON of people but it is enough to make a little bit of a mess every now and then. Part of me thinks that I should be a little more conscious of who may be reading this blog when I post about certain things but it just isn’t my nature to be overly concerned about what other people will think of the things that I say or think and I’d really prefer not to compromise that part of myself. So, I will keep on being completely open and honest in this blog and I will simply deal with whatever may come from that. It is surprising to me, though, to learn that there are people following this whole thing. At the same time, though, it makes me very happy. It is just kind of an odd thing to be letting other people in on what goes on inside of my head, although I will admit that there is a LOT inside my head that doesn’t wind up making it into these posts. Still, I think that is kind of the beauty of keeping a blog – being able to share your perspective on the things that go on in your life with the rest of the world. It’s just odd because there have been three separate incidents of people reading the blog and taking things differently than I intend them over the course of this weekend. There have been quite a few of these incidents in the past but three happening in the course of two days is pretty odd. In any sense, that has not been the focus of this day and it will not be the focus of tonight’s blog.

I woke up this morning at 11:11am, which is kind of odd. I have never understood the whole concept of making a wish at 11:11 and don’t really know why people do that or what the story is behind it. I was a little too incoherent this morning to bother with a wish. I got up and did my morning routine of washing my face with Clean & Clear Morning Burst facial cleanser and brushing my teeth. I had put a load of laundry in the dryer last night before bed and had told myself a million and a half times before I went to bed to make sure to get it out when I woke up so it wouldn’t come out wrinkled. I was really tired when I went to bed last night, though, and I didn’t even do my evening face wash, with Yardley soap, and moisturizing, with some Clinique moisturizer, the name of which escapes me right now. When I got up this morning, like I said, I was pretty incoherent. I did wash my face but I didn’t moisturize this morning and I forgot to get my laundry out. Instead, I went straight for breakfast, which again consisted of Spaghetti-O’s, and sat down in front of the TV. I decided that, unlike yesterday, I was going to spend today doing nothing but relaxing in front of the TV. I figured since I caught up on my daily shows yesterday, like Oprah and “The View,” I would spend today watching scripted series. This meant all of my CW shows, like “Gossip Girl,” “90210,” and “Melrose Place.” I watched “Gossip Girl” first and I think I have figured out what has gone wrong with that show this season – they stopped being funny. Sure, it is an hour-long drama and not a comedy but they had this really great ability throughout the first two seasons to throw in humor to kind of lighten things up. It always seemed like the writers really understood that the whole concept of the show is really over the top and had a lot of fun with making light of that fact. This season, though, they have been much more focused on keeping things serious and trying to take their ridiculous, over the top storylines seriously. Still, some of the storylines they have pulled out in the past few episodes have been pretty great, especially those involved Taylor Momsen’s character, Jenny Humphrey, who I have always really liked. I think Taylor Momsen is one of the best actors on the show but has never really gotten her opportunity to shine because her storylines have a tendency to get buried in all the other characters stuff. I have long said that they need to do a spin-off series with Jenny as the main character, like the book series did. She is really an awesome, very appealing character portrayed by an awesome, very appealing actress who just isn’t being written to her full potential. Speaking of Taylor Momsen, though, she is also the frontwoman for a band called The Pretty Reckless, who I absolutely love based on the three songs of theirs I have heard. I am really excited for them to release their first album, which is supposed to happen sometime in 2010. They have a really cool, throwback sound reminiscent of bands from the early 90s grunge period like one of my all-time favorites, Hole. Also speaking of “Gossip Girl” stars making music, I am also extremely excited for the debut album from Leighton Meester. The first single from her album, released in October 2009, was a brilliant pop/dance track called “Somebody To Love.” It featured Robin Thicke and was absolutely gorgeous. It was really fun, upbeat and had a really cool fashion element to it, complete with a spoken word bridge in French. It is such a fun song and one of my favorite songs to have come out of 2009. The second single from the album is even better, though. It is called “Your Love’s A Drug,” and was just released last month. It is like “Somebody To Love” in the sense that it is also really upbeat, electronic and fun. Other than that, though, the songs are polar opposites. “Somebody To Love” has a much darker, more edgy and urban type pop sound while “Your Love’s A Drug” is much more spunky, bubblegum style pop. It just has a really joyous sound to it. I love that song so much and recommend everybody check it out on iTunes or wherever else you get music from. I am looking forward to very good things from Leighton’s album, which sadly doesn’t have an actual release date set at this point.

What does have a date set, on the other hand, is my brother’s wedding. That is taking place on June 5th. It seems kind of far away right now but at the same time, it really doesn’t seem that far away. My brother came over for a little while today and we talked a bit about it – he is picking out the outfits next weekend and I am pretty anxious to see how they turn out. He was telling me that the wedding colors are purple, pink and a turquoise blue type color. It sounds kind of 80s, which I am totally into and should have no problem working. After all, I already declared pink and purple my colors for spring so whatever I need to wear for the wedding will fit right in with what I am already wearing on an every day basis. I don’t know – I’m really excited for this whole thing. I need to start thinking soon about the theme of the speech I have to make at the reception and such. I’m not entirely sure what I am going to say exactly but I figure it should be something expressing how much my brother has grown up and how much of a positive force his fiancé has been in his life, with all of the changes I have seen in him since they have been together, etc. I want to make one of those speeches that will make people get a little misty-eyed. Well… maybe not. I don’t know what type of speech I am going to make, exactly, but I am confident that I will come up with something great between now and then. Would it be wrong of me to steal parts of Samantha’s speech at the rehearsal dinner in “Sex & The City: The Movie?” I’m just kidding. I would definitely like to inject some humor into my speech, though. I don’t know. Fortunately, I’ve got plenty of time to think about it in the meantime. It should be good.

I only spent about 15 minutes at the piano today, which isn’t bad but also isn’t great. In those 15 minutes, though, I have kind of slowly started to piece together playing both hands at the same time. It isn’t going the best it could but, like I said, I am slowly starting to put the two together. I can’t play them at a normal speed at this point because I have to concentrate too hard on where each hand should be with each note but I managed to play it pretty well at a really slow speed. That’s something, at least – it’s much better than where I was on Wednesday, when I had my last lesson. I am hoping that I will be able to impress Viktor a little bit with the progress that I have made at this week’s lesson. I am pretty impressed with the progress myself. I know I keep talking about this lately but I am really excited about even the most minute amount of progress being made on the piano – every little step forward I take just serves to remind me that I am going to make this work for me. I don’t have a single doubt in my mind at this point – I mean, I do have doubts but none of them are big enough to make me not feel confident that I am going to make this work. The piano is going to be a huge part of my fulfilling my destiny and it is really exciting to be taking the appropriate steps towards making my dreams come true. I just know that these piano lessons are going to lead me to writing the songs that will make up my first record and every record that I will write after that point. I am also really excited to continue making progress with the piano because I am excited at the prospect of taking other lessons once I have learned piano well enough. I am not sure what I want to do second, voice or guitar. I am already a really decent singer so I am less prone to think of doing that next, although I have gotten pretty out of practice in terms of real singing and am noticing more shortcomings with my vocals than I ever did before, so I am thinking that it may be the best idea to take voice lesson after piano. In fact, depending on my financial state a few months down the road, I am considering taking voice lessons before I finish with piano. If I could sort out taking voice the same night as piano I think I could easily make it work. Plus, I have been really considering trying out for “American Idol” this summer when the auditions take place and voice lessons could be very helpful in that venture. I don’t know – there’s a world of possibilities to be considered. I’ll figure it all out in good time.

For now, though, it is 11:01pm and I should probably get to bed. After all, tomorrow is the return to work. Fortunately, it is only a 4-day week for me. Still, I am not exactly looking forward to going back tomorrow. I am actually going in two hours late tomorrow, at 11:30am instead of 9:30am. Yes, I am ruining my shot at perfect attendance but I have a really good excuse – my Mom is out of town and I don’t have any cash at all. Normally, on the weekends when my Mom is out of town, I just take a cab to work Monday morning but without cash that just isn’t possible. So, instead, I am waiting until my Mom comes home and goes to work at 11:30am. No matter how good of an excuse it is, it is still an excuse – I do have other options, after all. I could just as easily walk to work. That could be my workout for the day, as well as my way to work. I already know that I’m not going to do that, though, so I am not going to sit here and kid myself that I might. I am going to wait until my Mom comes home and ride with her. Not only is that more appealing than walking because it doesn’t involve walking in this heat and getting all sweaty and shit before work but it also shaves 2 hours off of my work day, which is a very good thing. Like I said, it is only a 4-day week for me and I am very excited about that. I cannot wait until next weekend. I am already thinking of my trip to Ulta on the weekend and maybe going to see a movie with my Mom or something – I really want to see “The Last Song,” the new Nicholas Sparks novel-turned-film starring Miley Cyrus. One of my favorite Miley songs is used as the theme for the film, as well, which is kind of what makes it more appealing than usual. The song is called “When I Look At You,” and it is a beautiful ballad that I actually hope to cover at some point in the future once I know piano well enough to play it. It is a very simple little ballad about having somebody to turn to when life is getting you down. Speaking of Nicholas Sparks, who is one of my favorite authors of fiction, I am also planning a trip to Borders this weekend, I think. I need a few new books to read at work and there happen to be a few new books out right now that I would really like to read. RuPaul has a new book out called “Workin’ It: RuPaul’s Guide To Life, Liberty & The Pursuit Of Style,” which I am really excited to read. There’s also the new Cheslea Handler book, “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang,” which I am really excited to read because I love Chelsea Handler. There is the second novel in Lauren Conrad’s “L.A. Candy” series, called “Sweet Little Lies,” which I am pretty excited about. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s gay.” I loved “L.A. Candy,” though. I thought it was very well written and a really fun little novel. It’s not life altering literature or anything but it’s a fun, quick read. Lastly, I have also wanted to read Jennifer Love Hewitt’s book, “The Day I Shot Cupid,” which is a self-help type book about love and relationships. I kind of feel like Jennifer Love Hewitt is a good person to take advice about relationships from because she has had a LOT of them in her life, so she should know the ins and outs of them. Sure, her relationships haven’t been the most successful but, as the saying goes, “you have to kiss a lot of frogs…” For now, though, the only thing I will be kissing is my pillow. It is definitely time for bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 156: Cover Girl

Today was a pretty uneventful day on paper – I sat at home, I watched some TV, I practiced piano and I played around with makeup looks. However, taking a deeper look at all of these things there is actually plenty to share. Let’s start at the beginning. I woke up at 10:30am, which was kind of the perfect time considering I wound up going to bed at around 2:30am last night. I felt like I could have easily gone back to bed for a while but I forced myself not to. I got up and made myself some breakfast, (Spaghetti-O’s,) and figured I’d go ahead and start catching up on some of the stuff from TV this week. The first thing I decided to watch was Oprah’s episode with the cast of the best show on television at this point, “Glee.” I am completely obsessed with “Glee” and really cannot wait for the show to return on Tuesday night, after an extended winter break. It’s been far too long since the show was on and I can’t wait to see what happens next. I just think the show is completely genius because it has taken this cast of relative unknowns with incredible talents and made genuine superstars out of them, in particular Lea Michele. Lea Michele is quickly becoming one of my favorite people in the world. She has one of those “one in a lifetime” voices, as put by the creator of “Glee,” Ryan Murphy. She reminds me a lot of one of my all-time favorite singer/Broadway stars, Idina Menzel. She is just an incredible talent and I am expecting very big things out of her in the future. Her character on “Glee,” Rachel Berry, reminds me so much of a younger version of myself it’s not even funny, except that she has a much more clear cut idea of how to get what she wants than I ever did. In that way, she kind of reminds me a lot of myself now. Anyway, I just think it is absolutely brilliant what they have done with this show – they took what Disney figured out with “High School Musical,” but made it much more contemporary and edgy and have kind of revolutionized the way TV can be made. There is an immense amount of money being made by this show, in ad revenue, merchandise and, of course, the music from each episode being sold every week on iTunes. Aside from that, it is an awesome thing for the viewer to be able to get new music from their favorite show every week. I particularly enjoy, as a music lover, that it basically gives me a brand new EP-length record to look forward to every week. Ryan Murphy really had a stroke of genius when he came up with this concept. It is, like I said, the best show on television right now. The cast on Oprah was adorable and Oprah even featured a high school show choir from Burbank performing an amazing mashup of Madonna’s “Vogue” and “4 Minutes.” I have always loved that about Oprah – she really goes out of her way to showcase everyday people who do extraordinary things. I also watched Oprah’s special “funny people” episode, which featured Tina Fey & Steve Carrell, Tracy Morgan and Betty White. It was pretty awesome, as well. I adore Tina Fey and have the utmost respect for her work – she just has a way of creating humor that is intelligent and interesting and not the same old dick and fart jokes everybody else is doing. I also love the fact that Betty White has had such major career resurgence lately. Apparently, based on her interview with Oprah, she is pretty happy about it, as well. It is really inspiring that a random Facebook group could get big enough to get her a hosting gig on “Saturday Night Live,” at 88 years old and with nothing really major to promote or anything. It just goes to show that if enough people gather in even the simplest way they actually have the power to really make a difference. Sure, it would be nice if people organized in that same way to do something more substantial than getting Betty White a gig on “Saturday Night Live,” but at least it’s something.

I also spent a little chunk of time this afternoon making ringtones from RuPaul’s album, “Champion.” “Champion,” and RuPaul herself, has been a really big inspiration to me lately. I just love the fact that RuPaul puts such an emphasis on trying to empower and inspire people to figure out how to love themselves for exactly who they are. It is one of the most important messages one can spread in this world because it means more to each and every one of us than anything else ever possibly could. The magnitude of what it means to genuinely love yourself is immeasurable. It really seems to be the focus of the album, “Champion,” as well, and it is done in such a fun, positive, offbeat and, at times, hilarious way. This is, like all of RuPaul’s other albums, a dance record and features some really hilarious gay anthems, like “LadyBoy,” “Tranny Chaser,” “Devil Made Me Do It” and the album’s first single, “Cover Girl (Put The Bass In Your Walk.)” All of those songs have a very positive, feel-good message to them about celebrating who you are. There are also some really inspirational disco style tracks, like “The Main Event,” which is a song about not letting your troubles show, “Champion,” which is a song about always recognizing the champion that you are, and “Never Go Home Again,” a song about breaking away from the dramas of a bad childhood and moving forward. The entire album is full of really positive messages with a fun spin to them. My favorite tracks are, “Let’s Turn The Night,” which is just a gorgeous disco-tinged love song and another gay anthem, “Jealous Of My Boogie,” which is just completely over the top in all the best possible ways, with a chorus of, “Don’t be jealous of my boogie, Don’t be jealous of my boogie, You can say that you are not but I always see you looking.” I can relate to that. Ha. This is a really fun, very gay album but I still recommend it to pretty much anybody – it’s a lot of fun.

My time at the piano today felt very productive. It was definitely more than 15 minutes, first of all, considering I went back to it multiple times throughout the day and probably spent at least 15 minutes there each time. I feel like I’ve gotten to a really good point with the piece I am working on and know both the left hand and right hand parts like the back of my hand at this point. I am slowly starting to work on trying to put the two together. It is taking a little time but progress is progress, now matter how fast or slow it may come. I am pretty impressed with myself, I must say. The piano is awesome, basically, and I am really excited to continue watching myself make progress with it. I am making it a point not to allow myself to get frustrated with it or with myself for not progressing as quickly as I would like. Viktor told me on Wednesday that typically the people who start off slower tend to be the ones who make progress and really learn it much quicker. That really stuck with me and I am trying really hard not to try to go too fast. It‘s just kind of difficult because I am putting so much stock into this. Honestly, I am counting on this to work out for me – I am counting on myself to learn this and make it work for me. I need this to work for me so that I can make a real, honest attempt at trying to pursue my dreams before I get too old and just give up. I have to make this work. I WILL make this work. It is already working – I just have to be patient with the piano and patient with myself. It is going to work out for me. I am going to make sure of that.

Now, let's get to the fun stuff... makeup. I tried three different looks today, using the NYX S104 Eyeshadow Palette. I'll call them the good, the not-completely-perfected and the ugly. Let's start off with the good. This is a look using simple whites and blacks, using the NYX Jumbo Eyeshadow Pencil in Milk as a base and covering it up with a shimmery white color. This look was inspired by my favorite drag queen on this season of "RuPaul's Drag Race," the most recent one to "Sashay away," Miss Pandora Boxxx. She had a tendency to do a much more subdued, natural look that really emphasized the eyes. This is basically an exact recreation of her most frequent eye look on the show.





I am kind of in love with this look and plan to work it into my everyday looks. It is really simple and pretty, and doing the light color on the inside with the dark on the outside is really good for making the eyes appear larger and more open, which is definitely something that I need help with. I like that one a lot. The next look is the one I talked about in yesterday's blog, initially inspired by the song "Birthday" by Leighton Meester. As I put this one on, though, I kind of got this idea to go for kind of a high fashion look and the inspiration wound up coming much more from a very different song, about a very different kind of birthday - "It's My Party" by Lesley Gore. I am a huge fan of Lesley Gore's music and "It's My Party" is such an iconic, classic song it just naturally came to mind as I was putting this look together. This look is the "not-completely-perfected" one, because I definitely think it could work out really well if I used a few different products aside from the ones I did use. This look was put together using a turquoise looking blue from the NYX S104 palette, as well as the hot pink and a gold color from the same palette, and a cream-based silver eyeliner. I think the NYX Jumbo Eyeshadow Pencils in Pots & Pans for the silver and in Hot Pink would have worked much better for the bottom parts. The top of this look, though, is pretty great and is something I will likely wind up doing on it's own without the bottom part.





Like I said, using a few other products that I simply didn't have on hand today I think this look could work out amazingly well. I know it's not exactly an everyday, wearable look but I am already pretty well planning on wearing this look for my birthday this year. I'm just in love with the concept and even the look of this "rough draft" version of it is very much appealing to my personal tastes and senses. I am really excited to try that once I have picked up some other products that will work better with it. The third look I tried today was inspired by Adam Lambert. It is actually the look that I discussed in a few recent blogs, (I believed I even linked to a picture of it,) when he was on some TV show in Tokyo. This look consists of red on the lids, gold in the inner corner and black going outward in a "cat's eye" type of arrow shape. Trying this on myself didn't work out nearly as well as it did for Adam. It looks kind of ugly, honestly. I think I could sort this look out on myself with a little more work but I'm certainly not happy with how it turned out on the first try.





It just looks kind of ugly, honestly. The black part on the outside of the eyes just looks kind of ridiculous. The blending just didn't happen at all with this look. It basically sucks. Like I said, I think if I worked at it a little more I could manage to pull it off well but in these pics it looks a hot tranny mess. I hate it.

Anyway, it is 2:19am and I should probably get to sleep. It's been a pretty long day, in spite of the fact that I really didn't do a lot. It was a pretty decent day, complete with some very interesting email correspondence this evening with my old friend Stephanie, who I mentioned commented on the blog the other day. I am kind of hoping to try to reconnect with her - it's been a really long time and we could definitely stand to catch up. We'll see how that goes, though. In the meantime, what I need to reconnect with right now is some sleep. Here's hoping tomorrow is just as good and relaxing as today was. It is the last day of the weekend, after all. Fortunately, it is the last day of the weekend before a 4 day work week and a 3 day weekend next week. Plus, I get paid on the first day of my 3 day weekend, so that definitely adds an element of awesomeness to the whole thing. For now it is off to bed with me.