Chapter 349: Everything I Want To Be

Today was declared “Spirit Day” across the nation, in memory of the recent rash of suicides amongst gay youth. It was a day to honor the memory of all of those GLBTQ teenagers who have recently been driven to suicide after being bullied, harassed and abused by their peers and the people in their lives. In reality, though, I think it was really a day to take a stand against bullying of any kind, for any reason. For obvious reasons, the GLBTQ aspect is the nearest to my heart but I also understand that there are kids out there being bullied and harassed for a number of reasons – their religious background, race, general appearance, social status, disabilities or maybe even mistakes they may have made in the past. I can honestly say that, at one time or another, I have faced pressures and harassment for a lot of those things myself. It definitely goes much deeper than just kids being bullied for being gay. This really isn’t an issue of being bullied for any of these actual reasons – it is an issue of kids having a lack of understanding and tolerance for people who are different than they are. It is fascinating and horrifying and extremely troublesome to see the way that violence is discussed amongst the younger generation of today. As I have discussed a little bit here, over the past few months I have befriended a few kids who are nearly a decade younger than I am and I found myself really surprised at the attitudes I have seen towards these types of issues – not just with the ones I have befriended but with a lot of the younger people I have come across. It seems that the teenagers of today have much more of an automatic instinct towards violence than they did when I was a teenager. It’s not to say that they are all violent creatures, constantly lashing out and attacking others, but it seems like their minds have much more of a tendency to go in that sort of direction than they did back in my day. It seems to me that, perhaps, all those warnings that people were making back in the 90s about violence on television desensitizing children may not have been as much hooey as it seemed at the time. At the same time, though, I can’t actually speak of this with all that much authority. I am not around that many teens nowadays, (I would be considered kind of creepy if I were,) so I am only basing this on my observations of the ones I do wind up around. All I do know is that this whole thing is a problem. Aside from the suicides of gay teens, there have been countless other cases over the past year of kids committing suicide after facing bullying from their peers. It is a terrible shame and such a waste of life – lives that could have and should have wound up being much longer and surely would have gotten much better. Yes, “It Gets Better.”

Now, more than ever, the “It Gets Better” project seems like such an important thing to exist in this world and I could not possibly feel more grateful for the fact that I was able to take some small part in it. The “It Gets Better” project, for those who don’t know, is a campaign that was started by Dan Savage, openly gay writer of the site Savage Love, with a pretty simple, yet extremely powerful, concept. Have you ever heard one of these types of news stories about a kid committing suicide and thought to yourself, “If only I could have just sat down and talk with them for five minutes…” Essentially, “It Gets Better” is our way of doing that – sitting down and talking to these kids who are in such dark places in their lives and can’t possibly imagine anything every improving for them, and telling them that it DOES get better. My video for this project was based around a very simple concept, as well – it was all about the concept of “going through hell” and how on the other side of hell there is heaven. It was all about how no matter how low they may be right now, perhaps at the lowest lows they could possibly imagine, if they manage to stick it out and stick around for the lives that they will eventually have they will reach heights they never imagined either. The experience I have had in my life has definitely reflected that – I really do feel like, at different times in my life, I have seen the lowest of lows and the highest of heights. I really wanted to make a video for this project because the more I thought about it the more I realized that I truly am a living example of what the project really is all about. As I discussed in my video, which got a lot more personal than I had initially intended, I attempted to commit suicide in my teen years a few times. For me, it was never really a matter of bullying or harassment but it was definitely a matter of feeling like things couldn’t ever possibly improve for me. I understand that feeling of loneliness and being completely hopeless. I know that feeling. Thank God none of my suicide attempts ever actually worked out because as I grew up and took much more of a look at the world, I have found myself experiencing feelings I NEVER imagined I could – none more powerful, though, than the simple feeling of realizing that I was okay. There has been nothing more liberating or gratifying for me in my life than simply coming to the realization that there is nothing wrong with me and that everything I could ever possibly need out of life is already inside of me. I don’t know how to explain that exactly but it is simply the feeling that, no matter what could possibly happen to me in my life, I am complete and the only thing that can ever take that away from me is myself and my ego. It is the simplest concept in the world but one that many people struggle with throughout their entire lives. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with it often – I don’t think there will ever be a time when I don’t. It is just so important to recognize the power and the beauty and the magic that you hold inside and simply put your faith in the fact that you are already fully equipped to handle anything and everything that may come into your life. That, as far as I am concerned, is the highest of heights that anybody can possibly reach and I am so grateful that I have managed to reach that point at such an early age.

Still, there are millions of children, teens and adults out there who have yet to come to this realization. Today was for each one of them. Today was the day for each and every one of us to take a stand against the type of bullying that teens are experiencing nowadays. In honor of “Spirit Day,” people across the country were asked to wear the color purple. So, I wore a purple heather v-neck from Old Navy and did a really cute makeup look inspired by Barbra Streisand in “Funny Girl.” I was a little disappointed with the purple turnout at my job today but in the end it wound up being a really positive thing because there were enough people in purple to get conversations started. I know that I was stopped and asked by quite a few people what the deal was with everybody wearing purple, which allowed me to explain the story behin “Spirit Day” to them and make them aware of the issue. After all, if people are not aware of the problem they are not likely to gather to try to find a solution. I honestly feel like I may have opened a few eyes about the whole thing today, which I am extremely proud of and grateful for the opportunity to do. Overall, it was a pretty great day and I was really proud to have taken part in the whole thing. For now, though, it is 11:38pm and I should really be getting to bed. Goodnight.