Chapter 330: When I Found You

Okay, so I am in a really strange place this evening – I am speaking in emotional terms, of course. I am beginning to get the feeling that no matter what I am saying or what I am speaking of, it is in emotional terms. I am slowly starting to realize that I am a highly emotional person. I have always known this about myself but what that actually means is only actually sinking in for me right now. You see, in spite of understanding that I am an emotional person, I always thought of myself as also being a fairly rational, logical-thinking person. What I am beginning to see now is that, while I do have the ability to think about things in a rational and logical way, the predominant thoughts that go through my head, the thoughts that drive my actions and decision-making in life, are not at all based in logic or rationality – they are based in emotion. I have yet to decide, now that I understand this, whether or not it is a good thing. Obviously I’ve got it under some sort of control, as evidenced by the fact that I am not one of those people that you see from time to time who is constantly crying or having an extreme emotional reaction to every little thing that happens. It seems that I see this very frequently lately, in the workplace and such, and I find that type of emotional outburst very… uncomfortable. So, I am very grateful that, in spite of being such an emotional person, I am not one of those people. It just looks bad, in my opinion. Still, on a day like today, which has been spent with very little interaction with the outside world, I find myself really examining the thoughts that run through my head and, more often than not, letting myself get carried away with them. Most days this is okay because the thoughts that I have are pretty optimistic and downright peppy – today, however, this has not been the case. As with many things in my life lately, it all comes down to a boy.

I haven’t discussed this situation in the blog much because I just kind of have this desire to keep it all to myself – there always has to be something that you keep only for yourself, no matter how open you may try to be with the world. For this reason, I am still not discussing this matter in full but what I will say is that there is this boy that I have had some pretty intense feelings for recently and whom I have spent the past several weeks trying to decipher and decode and analyze the words and actions of. This deciphering, decoding and analysis have not gone well. The big issue here is the fact that, right from the start, there have been about a million different signs pointing in the opposite direction from this boy – I have known it from the very start and, as I have continued on, they have grown and become more and more evident. Yet, for one reason or another, I can’t seem to stop myself from sitting around and obsessing over the whole thing. I have every reason in the world to stop but I just can’t seem to get myself to. It sucks. I have been kind of stuck in this strange head space for the past several weeks because of it and the situation just keeps progressing further and further in the wrong direction. I know that I need to let it go but something in me just won’t do it. Initially, I took that as being my intuition telling me that, somehow, the situation could possibly work out. The more I recognize the fact that I am such an emotionally driven person, though, the more I recognize the fact that this is likely not the case and it is more a matter of me not wanting to let go of the emotions I feel towards this person. I don’t know. It’s complicated.

So, in keeping with this week’s theme, I decided to turn to Britney Spears for the answer. This is not a question that is going to be answered by “I’m A Slave 4 U’ or something along those lines, though, so I compiled a playlist of every ballad that Britney has recorded and put it on shuffle, in hopes of finding some sort of answer. Let me preface all of this by saying that I understand that Britney Spears’ music is not the type of music one would normally turn to for answers to questions they have about life, unless the question somehow has an answer that involves dancing, but I do believe that Britney’s ballads over the years are definitely her most underrated works. The first song that popped out to me was the most recent Britney ballad, from the “Circus” album, called “Out From Under.” The chorus of this song says, “I don’t want to dream about all the things that never were, but maybe I can live without when I’m out from under, I don’t want to feel the pain, what good would it do me now? I’ll get it all figured out when I’m out from under.” Perhaps this is true – perhaps I should just focus on getting out from under this funk that I have managed to fall into and figure it all out after that. After all, I don’t want to spend the next God only knows how long trying to figure out what this all means and lose my focus on finding the one who is right for me. After all, I have figured out that this one is clearly not right for me. So, should it not then just be on to the next one? I mean, it’s not quite that simple but when you really break it down, should I not be moving on? I think I should… but I’m not, which makes for an excellent segue into the next song that really stuck out to me – “Heart.” “Heart” was a b-side to the single for “Lucky,” if I remember correctly. The opening lines of this song really stuck with me this evening, when she says, “Heart, I know I’ve been hard on you, I’m sorry for the things I’ve put you through.” The song is basically her talking to her heart and apologizing for putting it through a bad situation. This has always been a song that I could relate to a lot because I have put my heart through some rough shit over the years, as well. I am not involved enough in this situation to be at that point yet and this song kind of serves as a reminder to me to stop myself before I do go through it all again. The issue with that, though, is that there is still this little part of me that says “Yes, that is likely to happen… but what if it doesn’t?” I never claimed that it was an intelligent part of me but it is a part of me, nonetheless, and a pretty overpowering part. The next song that really stuck out to me was the single released in conjunction with the reality show, “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic,” called “Someday (I Will Understand.)” This is a gorgeous ballad, perhaps one of Britney’s best ballads, written to her son Sean Preston, but I can relate to it in different ways in my own life, very much like Celine Dion’s song for her child, “A New Day Has Come.” The chorus of this song can really be applied to anybody’s life, I think, when it says, “All I’m praying is that someday I will understand God’s whole plan and what he does to me, and maybe someday I will breathe and I’ll finally see, see it all in my baby.” Aside from the clear Christian element of this, I think it is something that is really relatable to anybody – just a prayer, or a focus or whatever you want to call it, on just hoping that someday you will understand the purpose of the things you are going through in the moment. That is a very comforting thought for me right now – regardless of what direction things take right now, I can take comfort in the fact that the Universe has put me in this place at this time for a reason.

The song that sticks out to me the most, though, is “When I Found You.” “When I Found You” is a song that was recorded for the “Britney” album, but not included on the US version of the album, although I believe it did appear on the international releases. This song opens with the line, “I believe we all have one true love somewhere in this world, I do, when it seemed all my dreams were falling through that’s when I found you,” and goes on to a chorus which includes the line, “I found myself when I found you.” Now, I am not going to lie, I take a little bit of issue with that last line because I am a very firm believer in the idea of remaining true to yourself and your own individualism within the confines of a relationship. At the same time, though, I also believe that the main place for us to discover the deepest parts of ourselves we hadn’t seen on our own is in our interactions with others – especially those we are most intimately involved with. That is what I am looking for right now – I am looking for somebody who will help me find these parts of myself and whom I can do the same for. I want to find somebody who I can help to grow and develop as a person, and who will help me in the same way. I want a happy, healthy, lasting relationship at this point. The thing is, and it sucks to admit this, but this person who I am having so much trouble letting go of is not a person who can offer me that at this point. It is simply not something that can happen right now. So, the answer is clear. I have to let go of this. You see, if I continue to be focused on this person and not letting go of this situation, the only thing that will come of it is creating even more distance between myself and my goal of finding my perfect partner; my James Dean. I can’t allow that distance to grow – not when it is so close. It IS so close. I know it.

For now, though, it is after 4am and I simply must get to bed. I am not sure what is on the agenda for tomorrow, honestly, but I’ve got a few ideas that I am hoping pan out. I am supposed to have a friend of mine over to hang out and have a few drinks, although after the way I felt all day today I am not sure how good of an idea drinking again would be. Still, to be honest, that isn’t going to stop me. The only thing that is a definite for tomorrow is laundry. I absolutely must do laundry tomorrow. Hopefully my plans work out, though, because I don’t think I want to spend another day like today where I am stuck inside of my own head and dealing with all of my crazy, overly-emotional thoughts. So, fingers crossed! Anyway, like I said, it is after 4am and I really need to get some sleep. Goodnight.