Chapter 312: Intuition

Can I title the blog the same thing twice? It has been 312 days and I have only done that once or twice and was able to excuse it by using remixes and such. This time I wouldn’t really be able to do that, though, because the title I want to use doesn’t actually have remixes out yet. I mean, it may have a few but I don’t believe there are any official remixes out there and I hate fan-made remixes. What song am I talking about? Christina Aguilera’s “I Hate Boys.” That is silly of me, though. That doesn’t need to be the title of tonight’s blog. As we determined last time I did a blog with that title, it isn’t actually true – I don’t hate boys at all, I just hate some of the dumb ass things that they do. Even that isn’t the case today. The more appropriate title would be “I Hate Myself For Being Dumb.” That, of course, is not entirely true, either, but it would be more accurate than saying “I Hate Boys.” This is kind of a long story. Strap yourself in.

I discussed here in the blog about how last Tuesday when I went into work, even though I didn’t have to and didn’t particularly want to, and how fortuitous it was that I did because I met this boy who I became instantly smitten with. I also discussed in the blog how I spent the rest of the week trying to hunt him out and make my presence known to him, with quite dismal results. So, I went in to work today with my resolve intact to find this boy and create some sort of presence. You know, baby steps? Don’t be overbearing or immediately try to place myself in his conversations or hit on him right away or any of that, just make sure that he is aware of my presence and such. Don’t appear eager or overly interested and just be completely nonchalant – that whole deal. So, this morning when I went on my first break, I was delighted to see that I had finally managed to time my first break to his training class, and he came out while I was downstairs. Of course, he was surrounded by people and didn’t appear to take notice of me at all. So, I finished smoking and made my way through the area where he was standing, which was kind of crowded, and did my little “peacock” strut. I didn’t look back to see if he had taken notice or not but I chose to believe that he had. Later in the day, when I took my last break, I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette and talking to my friend, Jessie. I noticed this boy come out of the training class and walk through the break room and head towards the bathroom. I assumed that he wasn’t taking a break yet because he was the only one who had come out of the training class but it turned out that I was wrong – he emerged from the break room and started walking in the direction of the smoking area. Jessie and I were watching as he headed in our direction and I was having those little girl “butterfly” feelings in my stomach and such… until he quickly changed directions and went to sit at a table on the other side of the smoking area. I realized after the fact that I could have easily waved to him or something, which would have most likely prompted him to head in my direction and talk. I wasn’t sure if he may have seen that I was sitting there talking to somebody and assumed I wouldn’t be interested in talking to him or something like that. It’s not likely that he was paying attention at all to me sitting over there. I don’t know what happened there exactly. All I knew was that I was totally kicking myself for not having made any sort of gesture there. I just completely froze… like a dick. Shortly after this, I noticed one of my co-workers coming outside and sitting down at the same table that he was at. I didn’t think much of this until later in the day when I was relaying the story of my freezing up to some of my other co-workers and the co-worker that had sat down at the table with him was like, “You know he has a boyfriend, right?” My heart was crushed. Okay, not really, but I was very disappointed. My co-worker also told me, though, that this guy said that he wasn’t sure how much longer this relationship was going to last. I figure if he is relaying this information to people who he hadn’t even met before it must be pretty clear that it’s not going to last. So, that’s a glimmer of hope… but not really. So, it would appear that the Universe made me freeze up for a reason. I wasn’t meant to pursue this particular boy at this particular time. The other boy that I was going on about before has pretty well dissipated at this point, as well, and I am left with no boys.

No boys.

That’s probably not actually as bad as it sounds. One boy has become a good friend of mine, which I have always said means more than a boyfriend any day, and I didn’t really lose anything with this other boy because I am basing my whole concept of him and all of my smittenness off of one random conversation we had. Just as quickly as I beckoned to the Universe to bring me boys, it would seem, I have asked the Universe to take the boys away. It makes so much sense to me now – I kept going on about how my boy-craziness had made me really annoying and wasn’t actually getting me anywhere, so the Universe took the boys away. I could look at that as a negative thing but I don’t. You see, I have also been saying that I need to stop focusing on these particular boys and just focusing on finding the right boy. So, the Universe has done me a favor by removing these boys as options. Therefore, I no longer have to focus on them and can simply focus on finding the boy who is right for me. Clearly, it wasn’t either of these previous boys because if it had been something would have worked out with one of them instead of them being removed as options. It all makes sense to me and is actually a really positive thing. So, the only thing I have to think about now is finding the right boy for me. Not any of the boys I already know. Even if the boy who is right for me is somebody I have already met, he will reveal himself to me when the time is right. The Universe will lead me in the right direction – it always does. So, now I can stop stressing out and just go with the flow. Hopefully, that means that I can also stop being so annoying and people can talk to me without being completely irritated by my barrage of “OMFGWTFBBQ BOYS!” This is a positive move for me, I think. I am extremely grateful to the Universe for steering me back in the right direction.

Aside from all that, I am kind of trying to orchestrate some social plans – I have tentatively made plans with April, Devin, Whitney, Nate and Rachel for a little get-together at my house on Friday night. Unfortunately, when making these plans I neglected to realize that my Mom will be home on Friday night and has to be up for work early the next morning, which is not exactly conducive to having a bunch of people over. So, unfortunately, I may have to postpone this plan. I was initially trying to make the plan for Saturday night but Saturday didn’t really work out for anybody else. Maybe I will change the plans from being a get-together at my house to be a dinner and drinks or something out. I think that would be just as fun, although considerably less cost-effective. That’s okay for me, though. I can afford it on Friday night. I will have to run that idea by everybody else, though. I am also trying to plan a party for sometime in the not-too-distant future – probably the next weekend that my Mom is out of town. This is going to be a bigger party than the get-together I was trying to plan for this week, which would include some people from work and such. I haven’t thrown a party in a really long time. In fact, I don’t think I’ve thrown a proper, non-dinner party pretty much EVER. I want to do it full-blown high school style, when your Mom’s not home and nothing is organized in any way and everybody just kind of shows up and drinks and has a good time. I remember back in the days when I was supposed to have been in high school going to parties like that at my old friend Fred’s house. It was always kind of off-the-wall and everybody just kind of gathered up in his bedroom and got shit-faced and danced and did whatever popped into their minds. I have a LOT of good memories of those times and think it would be a lot of fun to recreate that type of thing for myself. So, that is something that I am planning on doing sometime soon.

I have also been having a lot of fun going out to bars and such with Rachel, something that I hadn’t really done in years, and am looking forward to doing much more of that moving forward. Rachel actually had a very shitty experience yesterday night that I won’t go into details on but I feel like right now she kind of needs a little more of those fun nights out to take her mind off of the whole thing. It is kind of weird because I am not entirely sure of how to be there for her at this point because I have been so wrapped up in all my own trivial boy bullshit. This is another reason why I am really grateful that the Universe has removed these silly boys as options to me – I feel like being so focused on these dumb boys I have kind of wound up being a little bit of a shitty friend. I really hate that I let myself get to that point and feel really bad about it. Like I said, I feel like the Universe removing these boys and allowing me to shift my focus was a major blessing… I was going to say “in disguise” but I think “in a very thin veil” would be a more accurate statement. In a lot of ways it has served as a bit of a wake up call that I need to straighten my head out and stop being so crazy, which I already knew but wasn’t actually following through on. So, instead of Christina Aguilera’s “I Hate Boys” I am titling this blog after a much more appropriate song for the way I feel right now – “Intuition,” by Selena Gomez & The Scene. This song says, “I’m going to follow my intuition, tell myself to listen, everything’s going to be okay, it’s going to be a good day.” That is a more accurate description of what I am feeling right now – it doesn’t matter what boys may come or go or whatever else may come or go, if I continue to follow my intuition and really force myself to listen to my own inner voices, (as well as the voices of those around me who I know have my best interests at heart,) everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to. It IS going to be a good day. Thanks Selena Gomez & The Scene for that little reminder. In the meantime, though, it is 11:20pm and I need to get to bed. Goodnight.