Chapter 301: My Junk

Okay, so today was kind of a funny day in a lot of different ways. I woke up on time, did all my usual morning routine and then sat down to do my makeup for the day. Every morning when I sit down to do my makeup for the day I bring my iPod and listen to some music to draw inspiration from. I generally will listen to something upbeat to also psych myself out for the day that is to come. This morning I did something a little different – I listened to the Broadway Cast Recording of one of my all-time favorite musicals, “Spring Awakening.” “Spring Awakening,” set in late 19th century Germany, is the story of a group of teenagers, in the throes of puberty, discovering the tumultuous world of sexuality. This show was pretty controversial when it began due to it’s portrayal of masturbation, abortion, homosexuality, rape, bondage, child molestation and suicide. It is a VERY heavy show, with music by Duncan Sheik and book and lyrics by Steven Sater. The music is VERY dark, although it certainly has moments of wide-eyed, child-like, innocent and curious fun. In order to kind of capture these two very different elements in my makeup look, I decided to try out a look that I had seen recently on Taylor Swift, a kind of soft, blended out black cat eye look. Unfortunately, based on the way my face is constructed, a cat eye never comes out looking quite like a cat eye. It still comes out looking pretty cool but it doesn’t have the cool cat effect that I was actually going for. Still, it was dark, yet playful and innocent, so I think I pulled it off. Of course, listening to this very moody mix of music this morning put me in a bit of a strange mood moving forward with my day.

Work was a little weird today. I started off the day being told that the guy who has been my shadow for the week wasn’t going to be my shadow today. Instead, I got this other girl who is very nice but who I didn’t necessarily have a lot of common ground with and it made for a lot of long, awkward silences between us. Eventually, though, we found a little bit of a flow and managed to get along fine. Then, after a few hours, we were separated and I spent much of the rest of the day on my own. It was a nice change after having someone with me the rest of this week. I still didn’t really get anything done, creatively. I tried a couple times to start writing a song called “Walk Past Me,” but after writing a really great first verse, I made several attempts to move forward with the rest of the song and it just kept going in these strange directions that I wasn’t happy with. I never wound up completing the song, which sucks because I was so happy with the first verse that I wrote. I may work on it more tomorrow, if I get the chance. The guy who I had shadowing me all week kept making really strange jokes at me all day and I wasn’t quite sure how to take them. I have never been quite sure how to take this guy, in all honesty. On one hand, he seems really nice and is actually doing very well with the job but there has always been something about him that seems… almost sinister. It seems like he is trying to find ways to get you in trouble or something. I don’t like it. I’ve been making an effort not to let myself get paranoid about it but it is a little difficult. I will persevere, though. I also got to spend all of my breaks today with my new work BFF, which is always fun. Overall, it wasn’t a bad day at work. I was just in a very strange mood for the entire day and it kind of made my attitude a little weird in a very different way with each person I dealt with. Still, not a bad day.

I managed to make some really good face time with the boy today – that same goddamned boy I’ve been talking about here for a while now. He is slowly revealing more and more of himself to me and I am slowly becoming more and more enamored with him. Then today, I’m pretty sure the moment came. As the opening line of one of my favorite songs from “Spring Awakening,” says, “there’s a moment you know you’re fucked.” I can pretty much pinpoint the exact moment in our conversation when I realized that I’m fucked but I’m not going to go over that here. I just feel like there are some details that are best left unsaid. It’s not a matter of not being open with the blog or anything, I don’t think so, it’s just that I have always believed that we diminish some of the most special moments of our lives by talking too much about them and I believe that there is really something to be said for keeping the details of said moments to yourself – something special just for you and the people who we have shared in these moments with. Whether or not this will wind up being one of those moments is left to be determined. Either way, though, I am not going to share it at this point. The important part is the fact that the moment came and I realized right then and there that I am fucked. I’ve allowed myself to reach the point of no return with this boy – I am past the point where I could just give up and change my feelings and move on to other pursuits. In the words of another song from “Spring Awakening,” “we’ve all got our junk and my junk is you.” This boy has very quickly become “my junk.” I am hooked in and it is going to be very difficult to disengage at this point. So, instead of trying to disengage I have to come up with a new plan of attack. Instead of trying to retreat at this point, it is time to shift my focus to trying to figure him out. Like I said, there is definitely something there – it has seemed clear all along but it became even more clear today. Now it is all a matter of figuring out what that something is and what can be done with it. So, we’ll see how that goes.

Around 7:30pm this evening, I lied down in my bed and somehow managed to fall asleep. I wound up sleeping soundly until just after 9pm… with full makeup still on my face. I was a hot tranny mess by the time that I woke up. My Mom was home from work and her boyfriend was here. He is here for the long weekend because my Mom actually managed to get some time off for the weekend and is taking Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. He’ll probably wind up staying through Tuesday morning. It’s all good. Like I mentioned in last night’s blog, I am hoping to spend a good part of the weekend with my sister and her girlfriend. We’ll see how that goes, though. I adore them but they have a tendency to be a little flaky about things. Fortunately, for the time that I am not hanging out with them, I have a Netflix Instant Queue that is about a mile long. I am hoping to watch “East Of Eden” some time this weekend, for some more James Dean goodness, and maybe “Splendor In The Grass,” to satisfy my newfound love of Natalie Wood. That lady was one amazing actress. I absolutely adored her in “Rebel Without A Cause” and “West Side Story,” and am anxious to see her in some other stuff. I have “Gypsy” on DVD currently and, like I said, will probably wind up watching “Splendor In The Grass” this weekend. One last thing to mention before I force myself back to bed, tomorrow is the first pay day after the end of “No Makeup August,” and I already have a shopping cart full on the Stila website. The plan is to wake up tomorrow morning and place that order straight away. I am really excited to receive new Stila products. As anybody who follows my blog should know by now, Stila is my very favorite brand of cosmetics and I am really excited to try out some of the new products I have picked out. I am particularly excited for the new “Trendsetting In Tokyo” travel palette. Also, since the last time I talked about this, I have added another product to the cart – the Stila Contouring Trio. I have worked a fair bit with contouring but I have never been entirely comfortable with it because I have always done my contouring with either a bronzer, which doesn’t look natural and has a bit of an orange look to it, or with the large brown eye shadow pan in the NYX S104 palette, so I have never felt like it has come out quite right. So, finally, I am taking the plunge and purchasing a product specifically for this purpose. It is perfect, though, because it comes with three shades, a dark one for creating lowlights, a light one for highlights and a shade called “flash,” which is a mid-toned color with some shimmer added to it to add that extra touch of, well, “flash.” I am very excited to get this product and try it out. In the meantime, I need to go try to force myself to bed. I don’t think I’ll have any trouble getting to sleep tonight – I am exhausted. Goodnight.