Chapter 47: Lifetime

After spending the past two blog entries looking to other places in time, tonight seems like time to bring it back to the present. Today wasn't an overly interesting day, but I suppose they can't all be. It was, at least, better than the past two days where not much of anything at all happened. As I mentioned in Sunday night's blog, I basically spent that entire day watching movies. Monday was back to work, and it was pretty boring.

The highlight of Monday for me? The new Katharine McPhee record, "Unbroken" leaked. Katharine McPhee was the runner up, and should have been the winner, of American Idol season 5. She's not the greatest technical singer in the world, but that season was pretty lackluster, as far as talent went, and she was a clear best amongst the group, (along with Chris Daughtry.) Her first album was an interesting collection of songs and definitely had it's share of really great songs, but she was doing this "urban" style of pop that just didn't work all that well for her, and really shone the most on the ballads of the record. Shortly after that album, she was dropped by her label and took to acting for a little while. Finally, after a while of not hearing much from her for quite some time, she released a new single called "Had It All," from her second record on a new indie label. "Had It All" was a complete breath of fresh air and the first time I heard it, I thought, "Ah, she's finally found her niche!" The more I heard interviews with her about the new record, as well as a couple leaked demos of songs from the album, (sung by Kara Dioguardi,) I found that "Had It All" was only a small hint of what was to come with this new sound she had taken on. The album is reminiscent of Paula Cole and more recent Mandy Moore. It's folksy, guitar-based pop and singer-songwriter style acoustic stuff. In other words, it is right up my alley! She even goes so far as covering one of my favorite folk-pop songs from back in the 70s, "Brand New Key" by Melanie. That is one of my favorite tracks on the album, too. Her cover stays faithful to the original, but with a much better vocal. My favorite track on the album, by far, is "Say Goodbye." It is a simple ballad about letting go and disengaging from someone in order to ease the pain of separation. The lyrics have a recurring theme of feeling like you're acting, including my favorite verse, "I feel just like an actress up on a stage, I can't believe what I'm hearing myself say, and the porchlight is my spotlight so I play along with this lie, that way it won't hurt so much when we say goodbye." It is a beautiful, heartbreaking song and one I can relate to in a lot of ways right now. Another favorite track of mine is called "Terrified," a duet with the songwriter Jason Reeves. It is a song about falling in love, and how terrifying the experience can be. The whole album is pretty brilliant, although I will admit to being slightly underwhelmed at first listen. It isn't really one of those records that grabs you right off the bat but after my first listen of the album and my underwhelmed reaction, I couldn't help but want to listen to it again... then again, and again. The more I listened to it, the more I realized what a strong collection it is. It is a beautiful record, and comes with a very high recommendation from me.

Last night after having written the blog yesterday about my two most significant, (and short, oddly,) relationships, I was left kind of reliving a lot of those times. It was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, which makes sense because that point in my life or those relationships were certainly an emotional rollercoaster. I was alright, but just a little... off. So, when my friend Whitney called me to discuss some amazing news that has taken place in her life recently, I don't know that I was the best conversationalist in the world. She told me something that kind of struck me in a way, though. Apparently, she and another friend of ours were having this conversation about me and my plans to move to California and such, and this other friend of ours said something along the lines of, "Well, he's probably pretty scared." Odd as it may seem, this really struck me because I hadn't really thought about it in that way. I guess there really is a lot to be afraid of: I could go out there and fall right back into the way of life I lived there before and completely crash and burn all over again. I could go out there and find it impossible to find a job and just be a complete bum like I was before. I could go out there and outstay my welcome with who I wind up staying with and spend the next several years couch-surfing, like I did before. Essentially, the biggest fears involved are that I will go out there and revert back to the type of life I lead when I was there before. These thoughts have all crossed my mind many times in contemplating this whole move, but they have never been an aspect I have gotten stuck on. I think the reason for this is that, no matter how much I am aware of the things I am capable of in the wrong direction and know it probably wouldn't take all THAT much to cause a big backwards slide, I also know that the person I was before will always be a part of me (and one that could easily resurface,) but it is not the predominant part of me anymore. I am a vastly improved version of that person and know better than to allow myself to fall into the same problems I had before. I am much stronger than I ever have been before and I have learned a LOT about what is right and what is wrong for me. I think I have always known that, really, but now I am strong enough to really apply that information.

The other reason I have never really thought about the whole moving across the country thing as being scary is because, as crazy as it sounds, I have already seen exactly what is meant to happen. I haven't seen the entire road there, but I have seen the first steps that I need to take and I have seen the destination. As far as I am concerned, these things are enough to allow me to dive right into this and not be afraid of anything. I had a vision, of sorts, and I saw exactly where I am meant to go in my life. I know what I have to do to get there: Move to California. Crazy as it may seem, I have absolute faith in this vision and that allows me to take the appropriate steps, as giant as they may be, without any fear. It's kind of like the members of that Heaven's Gate cult who bravely committed mass suicide because they had such a strong faith in where they were headed. Okay, not EXACTLY like that, but I'm sure you can see what I mean. Faith can be a crazy thing, and BLIND faith can be even worse. I don't believe that my faith is blind, though. I haven't been able to find a way to make anybody understand the sheer intensity of the signs that I saw or the vision I had, which, by the way, wasn't an actual vision, but something I don't really know how to explain... it was a road laying out before me. I have tried to explain it to a few different people, and I just don't know how to make them understand. At the end of the day, it doesn't really make any difference at all whether or not anybody else understands. I just really feel like... well, like another song from the Katharine McPhee record says, "this could be the moment that turns into a lifetime..."

One other thing that kind of needs to be discussed here is my day at work. I have realized something about myself in my workplace: I can see both sides of virtually every situation but it takes me a minute, and I often wind up speaking before I get to that point. The saga with my co-worker who annoys everybody continues, and a conflict took place today. There were raised voices and people calling each other childish and nosy, etc., etc., etc. All very inappropriate for the production floor. What else is new, though? My team at work are a group of people who are very good about keeping conversations completely inappropriate and I am in on that just as much as anybody else. What I am better about, though, is avoiding conflicts. Unfortunately, this conflict today may wind up equating to some pretty harsh changes in the workplace, namely a crackdown on conversation in general on the floor. Work is going to become very boring if we aren't allowed to talk to each other about anything aside from work and, if that is to become the case, I expect quite the backlash. After a conversation I had with one of my co-workers today, though, I am actually feeling kind of optimistic about my prospects for the promotion I had discussed previously in the blog a time or two. I did wind up applying for it, and from what I have heard I am one of very few. I think there may have been one other person who applied, and I don't really think they are much in the way of competition. I could be wrong but, either way, the more I think about the whole thing the more I realize how good it would be to go to California with a resume that includes a position in management, even if it is only for a brief period. We'll see, though. I just have to remind myself that whichever way it goes, it doesn't make a difference at all in the long run. We'll see, though. As far as the promotion goes, if I were to get it, the only issue I could really see is having to be an authority type to the people I work with currently. The other team that I would be dealing with aren't really a concern to me because, frankly, they are nicer. I don't think it would really be an issue, considering I get along well with everybody there and am excellent at maintaining a positive, upbeat attitude with people even when they annoy me or I am having to tell them something bad. I don't know what's gonna happen, as far as that goes, but if I do get it I think the advantages will far outweigh the disadvantages.

Now that the day is over, I sit here in front of the computer listening to "Dolly: Live From London," and getting ready for bed. I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but I absolutely love Dolly Parton and her music is always a way for me to feel a little better about the world when I have had a bad or stressful day. Today wasn't entirely bad or stressful but it was certainly LONG and, as it turns out, Dolly is also good for just unwinding and relaxing. Still, listening to Dolly, my mind keeps going back to that Katharine McPhee song I mentioned earlier: "always remember that your better days are ahead, squeeze them tight and don't forget, differences are differences, all the dreams in your life that you've been letting go, blink and then you'll miss them and you'll never know, oh this could be the moment that turns into a lifetime..."

Chapter 46: The One That Got Away

Okay, so yesterday I took a look into the future I hope to see. I keep thinking about it all. I can only hope that my future winds up even a fraction of how brilliant that future seemed. Given so much of the past, it seems like it would be an earned reward. At the same time, though, I know I haven't been through anything worse than anybody else. Well, that's not entirely true... I've been through some shit that a lot of people can't really say they have. Those are stories for different blogs, though. Tonight, I have a specific period of my past that I want to talk about; the fairly recent past. As I mentioned a couple days ago, love seems to be in the air and it has got me thinking a little bit about it all, as well. Sure, I am witnessing the really good parts taking place around me but I can't help but be reminded of the less good parts that I have experienced. Tonight what is on my mind are the two most significant relationships of my life.

I guess it all starts back in 2006. My previous relationships had all been one huge mess after another and by that point I was just over the whole concept of relationships at all. In fact, it had been about 3 years since I had had any sort of significant feelings for anybody. I just stopped looking at people like that during that time. I referred to all of my previous relationships as the things that were severely wrong with them: Physical abuse was the first one and what a way to make a start in the world of romantic entanglements, right?! Again, that is not something that I care to go into at this point. I try to avoid discussing that one, honestly, and I am going to continue to do so right now. Debt came next, and boy was that fun! That one was actually much worse than debt, in the long run, because that person also made me do things that I never imagined I would do and things that I am still ashamed to say that I have done in my life, and to people who have never done anything but loved and supported me. Then there was the third, drug issues, which I also don't care to go into detail about right now. These are all issues that will surely be discussed at later points in the blog, but we've got 319 more blog posts to cover that stuff. The only reason I bring these up right now is to say this: I didn't exactly have a positive experience as a point of reference for relationships at this point in my life.

So, in September of 2006, after 3 years of shunning the whole concept of relationships or falling in love, I was in a place where I was feeling like there was a major void in my life. In an attempt to fill that void, or just to distract myself from it, I took on a second job at Borders. I was never really clear, at the time, of why I felt so strongly about finding a second job but I really did. When it dawned on me that I should give one of my previous jobs, at Borders, a second go it just seemed like a perfect fit. I was only there a few weeks when I noticed another new hire, who I came to affectionately refer to as "The Puppy," and was immediately taken with him. I don't know what it was exactly, but I just knew there was something about him and he was somebody I needed to get to know. No matter how confident I have been in my life the one place I had never really had a lot of confidence was in dealing with boys, but somehow in my first dealings with him I was completely confident and I immediately started making it a point to get to know him, and show him all the best parts of me. He had recently moved to Sarasota from Alabama, taking a semester off of college there. He loved it here but didn't have any friends here in town, aside from his brother who he was staying with. There was my in. So, we started hanging out. We were never on official dates or anything, but the direction things were going was pretty clear. Then came the night of the Dashboard Confessional concert in the beginning of November, (November 4th, if I remember correctly.) After hanging out for a few weeks, I had already had tickets to this concert and asked him if he would come along. He pretended to be a big fan of the band, even though he only knew a few songs of theirs. In one of those magic moments you never really think can happen in life, during the concert in the midst of one of those beautiful, romantic ballads he turned and kissed me. It was the most perfect first kiss I could ever imagine. Still, we had never really discussed what exactly we were to each other. After the concert, on the drive home, I tried to have this conversation but it wound up getting thrown off track when we got completely lost and couldn't find our way back to the interstate. The same night we shared our first kiss, we also had our first fight and spent much of the trip home in silence. Turns out, this would become a pattern between the two of us: I'd ask for some sort of definition of what we were to each other, and he'd get upset about something unrelated and we would fight about whatever unrelated thing had come up at the moment. This particular night, though, we got over it quickly and from that point on spent pretty much all of our free time together. We had an odd relationship, I think, but odd in a way that I preferred. It was only ever the two of us. We interacted with people at work and such, but outside of work it was only ever the two of us. For the time that we were doing whatever we were doing, it was like he and I had holed up in our own little world with just one another, and I loved it. Despite the many flaws in our relationship, that was one of the happiest times in my life. Those flaws, though, got a lot bigger come Thanksgiving. I had known since very early on that he had planned on heading back to Alabama to go back to school come January. I hated the whole concept, but we often talked about me coming up to visit him in Alabama, and him coming back down for Spring Break and moving back once the semester ended. In November, though, January seemed like ages away. So, he managed to get the weekend after Thanksgiving off by saying that he already had a plane booked to go back to Alabama to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Of course, I knew this was BS and his actual plan was to spend the weekend partying in Miami. I still remember the night that he came back. We worked together that night, and after work we drove down to Taco Bell, one of our favorite spots because one, we had sex there once and liked to laugh about it, and two, it is the only place to get a Mountain Dew Baja Blast. We had spent many a night in that parking lot talking and laughing, amongst other things, but this night was not the same. On this night, he dropped two major bombs on me: He slept with somebody else in Miami, and he had decided he was moving back to Alabama a month earlier than planned. He was leaving on December 15th now. Oddly, and perhaps sadly, I was more disturbed by the second bomb than the first. Sleeping with somebody else was easily forgivable for me, but leaving a whole month earlier than planned was just a terrible thing for him to do to me! The next few weeks, before he left, were probably our most lovey-dovey times together, though, and made him leaving all that much more painful. Then came the week he left. Two days before he left, we went out to a bar on Siesta Key with a friend from work, and he spent the entire night flirting with this friend, and telling me how much he wanted to make out with him. When I got upset about this, he basically told me I was overreacting and, "Duh, it's not like I'm actually gonna do it," was his best defense. After we left from hanging out with this friend, we went to this club in town that was fairly new at the time and was pretty much always empty and spent the rest of the evening on a dancefloor with just the two of us, and fucking in the bathroom, (another recurring theme of our relationship.) Then, the night before he left, he picked me up from my first job and we spent the afternoon together, having this really adorable conversation about if we wound up having children together and again discussing me visiting him in Alabama, and his plans to move back at the end of the semester. It was basically an afternoon of him reassuring me that whatever it was we had, which he still refused to define, was not over. I had to work at Borders that evening, so he dropped me off there and we said our goodbyes in the parking lot. It was awful, and I went into work with tears in my eyes. My manager was kind enough to grant me a few minutes to get myself together before starting my shift. The next night I turned in my two weeks notice to my manager, who quickly talked me out of it. I still wasn't entirely convinced, though, until what happened next.

The night after "The Puppy" left, and left me devastated, there were a couple of other new hires back in the cafe. I didn't really think too much of it, initially, except that both of them was kind of cute. I was working at the registers that night, and it was kind of slow due to the fact that we were open extra late for the holidays and most people just don't decide to go shop for books between 10pm and midnight. I was just kind of standing around at the registers not doing much of anything when one of the new hires came up through the line area and stood there and waited for me to call him over. He was odd, and kind of nerdy, but in a very cute way. He came up with a book and asked me about the book loaning program they have there, (where employees can check out books from the store.) It struck me as odd that he didn't just ask his training manager about that, but made it a point to come up to the registers. It was a simple question that he seemed to already know the answer to, and I was pretty sure that he only came up there to talk to me. I don't know what it was exactly, but this minor transaction between us was enough to fully convince me that I should stick around this job a while longer. This kid, who I wound up affectionately referring to as "Spartacus," and I grew closer and closer over the next few months. Much the opposite of the situation with prior, we spent most of our time together outside of work with mutual friends and co-workers. We had a much more quiet flirtation and were really becoming good friends but I couldn't help but let my feelings get a little out of control. I just knew that nothing was ever going to happen with this guy. I wasn't his type at all, (he was much more into older guys, who all happened to have a good deal of money,) and he just seemed like such a magical little creature next to ordinary me. I was nowhere near as confident with him as I had been with "The Puppy." Still, after a few months of flirtation and bonding, I confessed my feelings to him. He had to think about the whole thing. What came next was a long period of complicated, sometimes awkward and sometimes amazing times between the two of us. A lot of stuff went on, but nothing was ever official and we were never actually together. He made it clear the entire time we were just friends... but that didn't stop all that went on, and it didn't stop my feelings from growing stronger and stronger. I tried everything I could think of to show him that I could be just as good for him as those older guys with money, even though I knew all along I couldn't. Then, after a devastating visit from "The Puppy" over Spring Break that made it clear that whatever we had before was over, I went full force for "Spartacus," and got rejected time and again. Then my best friend came to visit me for a little vacation complete with two Christina Aguilera concerts and a Gwen Stefani concert. The day that my best friend arrived was also the night of the first Christina Aguilera concert, which "Spartacus" wound up being at somehow. We bumped into him at the concert and had a few laughs. We also made plans to meet up with him at a club afterwards, but when we went to the club we never found him. Turns out, he wound up at the concert because tickets were given to him by the latest older guy with money. I had watched him go through a few in the time that we knew each other, and didn't think much of it. Still, he talked about this one differently. He just seemed to have a very different vibe about this one. The next day, Don and I went down to Miami for the second Christina Aguilera concert and I had him on my mind the whole time. We went out to a club after the concert, and let's just say I allowed some stranger in the club to make me feel better for the evening. I came back from Miami feeling very bitter about the whole thing with the stranger and with "Spartacus." The next night he, Don and I all went out to this bar in town, where I had never been before and didn't really know anyone. He, on the other hand, knew everybody there and was the most popular girl at the party. I got very drunk and I don't recall exactly what took place, but he wound up getting a ride from some random person he knew there and leaving very upset with me. I then became a total wreck, cried and made my best friend take me out to a spot on the beach, the last spot where "The Puppy" and I had been together. I cried on my best friend's shoulder and was a wretched, broke down, sloppy mess version of myself. The next morning I made the decision that I was never going to drink so much again, and I have stuck to it thus far. We made up from that drama the very next day, and spent the next few months the way we had spent the prior few months: Him being himself and me desperately pining. I was slowly starting to get over it all, though. The older guy who bought him the Christina Aguilera tickets had stuck around, though, so nothing else happened between the two of us until his birthday. He threw this big birthday party full of his ritzy, downtown friends and me, sitting amongst them all feeling awkward as hell. I hung out for a couple hours but eventually it became a bit much for me and I called for a ride home. He was in his bedroom with just his best friend and I went in to tell him I was leaving. His best friend stepped out of the room and closed the door, and he thanked me for coming then planted a major, if not slightly drunken, kiss on me. As long as it was taking getting over the whole thing, that was all it took to pull me right back in. It was probably a whole year later, and us having fallen out of touch for a few months, for me to finally leave the whole thing behind. In fact, I am probably being overly optimistic about that time frame. It took me a long time to get over him. Despite the fact that I pretty much only told the bad parts here, there was something amazing about him. He made me want to be a better person, as cliched as that may sound, and he shared various tools with me to become that better person. He and I studied Kabbalah together for a while, as well as practicing the Secret together. In fact, that period in 2007 that I have discussed here a few times before when I was using the Secret and having one of the happiest periods of my life was all brought on by our time together. I still think fondly of him from time to time, but mainly I don't think of him all that much anymore.

"The Puppy" is kind of a different story. Up until a few months ago, I would find myself frequently attempting to net stalk him and find out what he is up to these days. I mean, in most ways I am over him, but he still crosses my mind from time to time. Not as often as he used to, for sure, but he is still the subject of many of my songs. He is my point of reference for what being in love feels like. That may be why I have avoided it like the plague for the past couple years. Despite the briefness of it, our time together was an amazing period in my life and the feelings I had during that time are something I kind of hope to find again, on one hand, and hope absolutely never to deal with again on the other hand. It is hard to explain. Still, he is in so many of the songs I write, the songs I sing, and the songs I listen to. He is, most likely, my "one that got away." I'm sure that's not true, actually, but that's what he is right now. Some day he will barely be a blip on the radar, except for having been immortalized in my songwriting.

Anyway, there we have it: Yesterday we got a glimpse into the future, today we got a glimpse into the past, Tomorrow? How about returning to the present for a while? There is actually stuff going on right now, no matter how minute it may be, that should be discussed here in the blog. We'll get to all that tomorrow, though. For now, it is goodnight.

Chapter 45: Pretend

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I woke up a little before my alarm went off at 11:30am, and fought off any urges to nap throughout the day. I didn't do any laundry or cleaning as I had hoped to. I also didn't finish the Florida Driver's Manual, although I am now over halfway through it. I watched a couple movies from IFC, including one that I had been wanting to see and searching for on DVD for well over a year now, called "Flakes." It was well worth the wait, I'd say. "Flakes" is the story of a musician who works in a cereal bar and puts all of his focus on that instead of making music. Clearly, this is a subject near to my heart. Up until recently, I was that guy. It's just really difficult finding the balance between the job that you need to do to earn money to survive and working on what you need to do to be happy with your life. In the movie, this guy has a wonderful woman named Miss Pussy Katz to help him out with this. Miss Pussy Katz is portrayed fabulously by one of my favorite actresses, Zooey Deschanel. She makes it her goal to get this cereal bar shut down and force him to focus on making music. Hilarity ensues. It was a really great, quirky indie movie and I absolutely loved it! Another movie that I watched today was something I just kinda saw in the guide and thought, "Eh, what the hell?" not really knowing what to expect of it. This movie was called "Pizza," and it was one big "WTF?" after another, in the best possible way. It is the story of a very strange, very overweight girl on her 18th birthday. She has no friends at all and is a general weirdo, but she has a lot of big ideas about life. I used to be that girl, too. Still am, in some ways. Anyway, this girl meets a pizza boy delivering to her house for her birthday party, which nobody is at, and randomly talks him into taking her with him on his deliveries for the night. It is one of the most random movies I have ever seen, but was absolutely brilliant because of it. It reminded me a lot of one of my other favorite indie movies, "Welcome To The Dollhouse." I highly recommend this movie to everyone.

Now that I have detailed my day, though, I have a very different idea about tonight's blog. Since it was such an uninteresting day, I was thinking about the fact that what I am doing here is trying to capture and tell the story of one year in my life. It dawns on me that while it is important to be in the present moment, you can't really fully capture the present without telling the stories from the past that have brought us to where we are, or discussing the future that we hope to see. While it would make more sense to tell stories from the past first, I am not in the mood to rehash old feelings tonight. Instead, I am in the mood for a little game of Pretend. So, what I am going to do is describe the type of life I plan to have at different points in the future, starting with immediately after this story of one year.

November 8th, 2010: I am writing this from the bedroom I acquired in my uncle's house in Reseda, California back in May. For a move across the country, it all went really smoothly. I was only without a job here less than a month. For the past 4 months or so I have been working in a little office building in Burbank doing my specialty: Answering phones. It's not so bad, really. I love the people that I work with and have made some really good friends here. None so good as my best friend, Don, though, who I have been seeing nearly every other weekend. The drive down to Palm Springs is actually really nice and I don't understand why people always bitch so much about it. I've also reconnected with a few friends from the past, which is cool. I love living here again, though, especially with my uncle and my cousins, all of whom I get along with really well. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been without it's struggles moving here. Los Angeles is a completely different world from Sarasota, and it has certainly taken some adjustment to get back into the California way of life but I feel like I am really getting used to it. I am even getting used to driving out here, which I was beginning to wonder if I ever would! I joined a gym recently here in Reseda. I really wanted to join one of those super-gay West Hollywood gyms but I don't know. They intimidate me a bit. Maybe once I have lost a little more weight, I'll give them a shot. I just hate the idea of being the fat guy that nobody wants to hook up with. Now that the blog is finished, it is time to get started on writing songs based on it. Sure, there are songs that I already have written from during the time that I was writing the blog, and I'm sure some of them will get put to use, but I kind of feel like it is a better idea to go back and read through the blog and write new songs based on the entries that really stick out to me along the way. Either way, I am really excited to get started on writing for this record. I am already saving up for studio time once I have the songs completed. One of my friends from work rooms with a guy who has a home studio and said he might see if he can get me a hook up with the guy. No matter what happens, though, I am getting so close to my dreams I can taste it. I can't wait to see where I will be a few years from now!

November 8th, 2013: It's been an interesting year for me, to say the least. I write this from first class on a flight to New York City. It's my first time ever flying first class and, I gotta say, it's definitely a step up from my days of taking a Greyhound cross country. I still sit back regularly and think about what my life used to be and feel extremely grateful for what it is now. A lot of this I knew would happen, but there are things that have happened that I never imagined myself doing in my wildest dreams. I own my own home! I never really thought I would ever do that! I mean, sure, it's a condo but that's a bigger commitment than I had ever dreamed of. Up until recently, I was sharing it with my boyfriend which made it all feel a little less... weird. Since the breakup, though, I have found that I kind of enjoy living on my own. I NEVER imagined I would say that! I think I may want to upgrade to an actual house eventually, though, because my new goal is to build a home studio and condo living doesn't necessarily suit that very well. It's really a silly goal to have at this point, anyway. I don't know how to produce my own record yet. I've only actually released the one officially so far. I mean, there was the "Story Of One Year," but that doesn't technically count. I didn't actually officially release that record, it was just a free download through my website. It is one of my greatest accomplishments, though, as it was the stepping stone to start this whole crazy ride. That free download from my website is what got me the notice of the label I am working with now. I know it is not what you hear from most artists, but I absolutely love my label. They put so much faith in me and give me so much freedom to do what I love, no matter how odd it may seem sometimes. My official debut album is one that is completely me from start to finish, and I am so grateful for that. I know it isn't something every artist can say and I remind myself constantly that I am incredibly fortunate to be working with the people that I am. I don't know if it's that I am dealing with an indie label or if there are majors like this, as well, but whatever it is, I wouldn't have it any other way. A lot of people have told me that there would be a lot more money for me at a label, and with the record I just released there seems to be interest from them but I just couldn't imagine leaving my label. They are far too good to me. Anyway, after my business in New York is handled, I am hoping to head down to Sarasota to pay a surprise visit to my sister and my friends out there. I am so glad I was able to talk my Mom into moving to California, though. Despite the fact that it was really a good thing for me to take the time away to learn how to stand on my own, I missed her so much and I really think she is much happier to be back in California, living so close to her brothers and sisters. I don't have the most money in the world at this point, but it is just an amazing feeling to be able to say to my Mom, "Hey, you don't have to worry about anything." That is one of the most gratifying parts of all of this for me. We are nearly to JFK, though, and any moment the flight attendants will be telling us to shut down the electrical devices. I am so excited for this trip, though. I'm doing a few shows at a small-ish venue in the city with some of my favorite NYC based artists, and hoping to line up a collaboration with one in particular. We'll see, though. This is only my third or fourth time visiting the city and I still feel like a bit of a tourist, but there is just something magical about it. I would like to get a second condo somewhere in NYC, as well. I don't really have a lot of use for one at this point, but maybe a few years down the road. Oops! There's the call to shut down devices! Talk later!

November 8th, 2018: Writing from my home in Malibu, CA. After my brief stint living in New York, I have really come to appreciate life in California so much more. I've been so busy lately! I've kind of been putting off beginning work on my 4th record because I have been so busy with other work. I signed a publishing deal recently with Sony that I am really excited about, and have just begun producing a record for an up-and-coming gay singer/songwriter. We've basically just been dicking around in my home studio, but I think it is going extremely well. This kid is so insanely talented, he makes my head want to explode! I've never been one to diminish or undersell my own talents, but this kid is so much better than I ever was! I am very proud to be such a big part of his first record because he is going to blow up! I've also been getting involved in a lot of charity groups recently. I just took my first trip to Africa a few months ago, and the progress there is amazing! There is still work to be done, though, of course. Still, seeing it now compared to 10 years ago is astonishing. No matter how rough the world may seem at times, it is moments like this that really remind you that there is still goodness in mankind. Of course, all of this other work I've been doing has got my label breathing down my neck. It kind of makes me miss my days back on the indie label, but after a certain point the transition to a major had to take place. I never dreamed my music would be as successful as it has become. I mean, here I am 35 years old and people are still interested. Sure, the demand isn't there like it was 5 years ago but I have a very loyal fanbase that I am incredibly grateful for. It's still hard to believe that I have been given the gift of travelling the world to perform for so many people. As grateful as I am that the people still want to see me, I am kind of dreading touring again. I think that may be why I am putting off working on the record. Don't get me wrong, I love performing. I love the stage. It just seems like the travel really gets to me while on tour. It is well worth it, of course, but every time I start thinking about touring again it all just seems so daunting. Of course, I am kind of anxious to get to my favorite part of the process: The studio. I feel like, in a lot of ways, I am more of a studio artist than a live artist. I just love the process of creating a record so much more than the process of going out and presenting it. Still, it has to be done and I love the fact that it gives me an opportunity to give back to the people who have put me in the position I am in today. No matter how much the travel may wear on me or how daunting it may all be, the one thing that I love the most about touring is being able to go out and connect with so many of the people who are responsible for the success I have enjoyed. So, maybe I will get to work on that new record soon. First, though, it is another day in the studio with that incredible kid I'm working with: I cannot wait for you guys to hear what we are working on! It is gonna be so crazy! In a couple weeks I have a few friends flying in from Florida for Thanksgiving, which I am super excited about! Initially, I was planning on preparing a full Thanksgiving dinner for them all, but I have since come to my senses and hired a caterer. I want to spend their time here enjoying their company, not cooking! I am also having my brother and sister over, as well as my Mom and aunt and uncles. It is funny to me how all of my family who had moved away from here for Florida have all wound up coming back. It's great to have them all here, though. The more I think about it all, my life right now, the more I realize that I have so much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Catering is pretty high up on that list, too! Maybe I'll try preparing my own dinner next year... or maybe the year after that. We'll see.

November 8th, 2023: Wow. Despite the fact that I turned a few months ago, I still have so much trouble believing that I am 40! I don't feel 40. I don't think I look 40, and I certainly don't act 40. It's the younger hubby, I think. He keeps me young. We're going on 4 years now. Closer to 5 that we've been together, but 4 years of marriage. It's so funny to think about when I was in my 20s and really believed I would never get married. It was never that I thought it wouldn't become legal eventually, I just didn't think that was something that was meant to happen for me. I gotta say, I am so glad to have been proven wrong. My husband is my everything. He is in every song I write, every lyric I sing, every move I make. I still remember when we first met, we were introduced by our managers to collaborate on his first record. That record is still my favorite piece of work I have ever done. Every time I hear any of those songs I am taken back to that place when we were first falling in love. Fortunately, with him, I get to feel that fresh, new, falling in love feeling all the time. He's been so supportive of everything I do, every decision I make. Even the decision I made recently to take a career break. Of course, that break hasn't really been much of a break at all, as we have been working on his next record. What I have come to realize, though, is that when music is your job you don't have the option of taking breaks. It is always inside of you, and it is gonna find it's way out in one way or another. Six records and fifteen years in, though, it kind of felt like time to take a little time off. Initially, I was considering pursuing some other interests but soon realized I don't really have a lot of other interests to pursue. I have accomplished so many of my goals in life, and given up on some that I wasn't as passionate about, (like my dreams of becoming a designer on the side - the fashion industry is no place for me!) I don't know what comes next for my career, aside from a 7th record and the hubby's record. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. After accomplishing so many of my goals in life, and setting so many more for myself, it is kind of a wonderful feeling for me not having anything planned. As much as I have never really done it before, I love the idea of just being in the moment and seeing where it leads me. Right now, though, my husband is nagging me to get into the studio with him. Apparently, inspiration has struck! Let's see what kind of magic we can make this time!

Interesting where that went, when I let my mind wander around and consider what I really want in the long run. That was a fun experiment and kind of revealed things that I want out of life that I never realized before. I love putting myself in the places I hope to be someday and really letting my mind explore on that make believe plane of existence. It sounds like I have plotted out a pretty great life for myself, too. I know that this won't necessarily be the exact road that my life heads down, but I think it is a pretty good point of reference for heading into the future. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, though, I have to go back to work tomorrow and should be getting to bed right about now. Maybe I will dream up more of my future while I am there!

Chapter 44: Take Me To Love

Ahhh, love. What is to be said about love? For me? Absolutely nothing. For others, though, it is in the air and that is a beautiful thing! It makes me happy to see these feelings blossom between two people, especially when they are two people who are clearly right for each other. Does that mean it will last? Not always, but does the idea of it possibly not lasting make it not worth taking the chance? Absolutely not. As cynical as I may be about the whole concept, I do believe that love is out there for everybody. I think it is important to remember, though, that it may not always come in the form one would expect. For some, there is a beautiful man or woman out there who is absolutely perfect for them. For others, there is a different kind of love - there is love for yourself, love of art, love of what you do with your life. Those loves are just as valid and people need to not put so much pressure on themselves to find the love of another person. Some of us, I believe myself to be included, aren't really meant for that type of love. Not to say that it isn't out there for us or that it will never happen, but it isn't the focus of our lives. In the story of my life, once I am dead and gone, I believe that type of love will wind up being a sub-plot. For some, though, it is the main focus of the story. I don't see anything wrong with that, it is simply a difference in priorities. Either way, though, it is still a beautiful thing to see the seed of love being planted and watching it as it grows. In fact, there is a song by Jewel called "Love Is A Garden," that says, "Love is a garden, if you let it go it fades away before you know, Love is a garden, it need's help to grow and ours is starving, but there's still hope." One smart cookie, that Jewel is.

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I woke up at about noon, which isn't too bad. I got up and ate something, then spent the first few hours of the day on the keyboard. As I mentioned previously, I began work recently on my very first full-length musical composition but that work has hit a snag. That snag? My lack of knowledge on the technicals of playing. Don't get me wrong, I have picked it up much better than I had ever anticipated, and the fact that I have managed to write out a melody on the keyboard is insane. Despite my general confidence in most things I do, I have always had an insecurity that I have never really spoken to anybody: I have always feared that I am not a musical person. I mean, I know that I am a musical person. I have always been able to sing and write lyrics to a melody but I have always been afraid that if I tried to play an instrument I would find that I don't have an ear for music. Fortunately, my keyboard has proven to me that this is not the case and I thank God for that. Not to say that I am not without setbacks on the quest to becoming a working musician, but at least I know it is something I am definitely capable of. Sorting out that melody on the keyboard got me thinking, though. I think I may have mentioned in a previous blog how I felt very sad that the songs I had written previously would wind up being tossed aside once I started writing music. Well, I think that is less true than I thought. I have worked out the melodies of a few of my older songs on the keyboard, as well. That, for me, is a breakthrough, which is funny, because the song that I first started working on that has inspired this breakthrough is titled, "A Breakthrough." I am especially excited, though, about one of my favorite songs I have ever written, titled "White Noise." I have already worked out most of the melody on "White Noise" on the keyboard almost exactly as it was in my head when I first wrote the lyrics. As I said, "White Noise," is one of my favorite songs I have ever written. Many people are not overly familiar with the concept of white noise but it is the frequency of sound that induces sleep. The song is about a guy I used to know, who was probably the closest thing to being in love that I have experienced, and how having him around and talking to him made me sleep better than I ever had before. His voice was my white noise. I am a person who has never had the best sleep patterns but, for one reason or another, when he was around I slept wonderfully. I haven't slept that good since. Anyway, that is what the song is about. As far as what makes it one of my favorites, I am not entirely sure. There is just a connection I have to that song that isn't there with every song I write. I don't know how to explain that because there is a connection with every song I write, (if not, why would I bother writing them?) but this song is really special to me. I also feel like it is one of the best songs I have written. I have always dreamed of that song being the title track for my debut album, maybe even the first single. We'll see how that plays out, though.

After spending time on the keyboard, I decided to pick up the Florida Drivers Manual. Finally, right? I picked it up a few days ago but only got through the first couple pages. I am hoping to have the entire thing read by the end of this weekend, so I can get on with taking the silly online course about substance abuse and whatever and get on to the taking the actual written test and getting my learner's permit. Today wasn't the best start, unfortunately. The book is 42 pages, and I got through 12 of them before I feel asleep. I took a 3-4 hour nap today. That is terrible because now it is 3am and I am wide awake. I am determined to wake up by 11:30am tomorrow, though, no matter what time I wind up going to sleep tonight. I am also determined to get through the remaining 30 pages of the drivers manual. In the midst of all of that, I should also do some laundry and a little cleaning around the house. I think, with a little time management, I should be able to get all of that accomplished in one day. Of course, my time management skills have never been my best quality. For example, this evening when I woke up from my nap, I could have used that time to go back to the Driver's Manual and saved myself some of the reading I have to do tomorrow. Instead, I spent the rest of the evening in front of the TV.

As I mentioned in yesterday's blog, I have 5 or 6 movies piled up on the DVR from the Independent Film Channel. In this time that all of the network shows are on hiatus for the holidays, I have taken to watching IFC more than any other channel. I have always had a love for independent films, so a channel dedicated to them is right up my alley. Tonight I watched a wonderful film called "Bride & Prejudice," which is a retelling of Jane Austen's "Pride & Prejudice," set in modern day India. I can't honestly say that I have ever been a big fan of Jane Austen's work or the films based on them, but I am familiar with the stories. A few of my favorite films have been loosely based on her stories, most notably one of my all-time favorites, "Clueless." "Bride & Prejudice" told the old, familiar story in a completely fresh, fascinating way: As a Bollywood musical! Bollywood isn't something I can say I have been overly familiar with, either, but I absolutely adored this movie! The stars, Martin Henderson as Will Darcy and Aishwarya Rai as Lalita Bajri (Elizabeth Bennett,) were completely adorable and the music was over-the-top and beautiful, often at the same time. There are scenes that are completely ridiculous in the best possible way, like the two leads in a falling in love montage that ends with a random choir showing up on the beach where they are to sing the song that had up to this point only been playing in the background. It was also fascinating seeing a lot of concepts of Indian culture used in the film, especially the various wedding scenes. I must say, India knows how to put on a wedding and it makes me think that if I ever were to marry, should it become legal, I would love to have one with an Indian theme. Of course, if I succeed in my scheme to marry a jew, a Jewish wedding would be just as good. Maybe we could somehow combine the two? Of course, I needn't think about weddings right now because that is a long way off for me personally, as well as for the world as a whole. In any sense, I definitely recommend checking out "Bride & Prejudice," because it is a LOT of fun to watch!

Aside from all of that, it was a pretty boring day. I ended the night by watching Saturday Night Live with James Franco as the host. He's gorgeous. He's also a lot more talented than I expected back when he first started acting, and more... odd. General Hospital? Where the hell did that come from? It was one of the better SNL episodes of this season, which isn't saying all that much because very few of the episodes this season have been any good at all. It's sad to see, too, but I think SNL is a sinking ship. It'll probably hold on a few more years, but it's just not very good anymore. The cast is full of nobodies who don't bring much of anything to the table and the stronger cast members are used to death, to the point where you just get sick of seeing them in every single sketch, (Kristen Wiig, I'm talking to you.) Also, where the heck did all the black people go? Anytime there is a call for anybody black, it is Kenan Thompson. Anytime they do a sketch of The View, there has to be a guest host because they don't have a second black person to play Sherri Sheperd. It's a mess, that show is. I still watch it every week, though, thinking it may get better. Most weeks I am disappointed, but the weeks where I'm not are pretty decent. They still have good writers, the problem is the cast... and you can tell my day was uneventful by the amount of time I have sat here talking about SNL.

Reports are coming in about the budding new romance amongst my circle, and it sounds good. I am glad for it. Like I said, it makes me happy to see people who are right for each other in so many ways coming together. Again, will it last? Who's to say, really? Not I. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. And what of me and my love? Music is my love and that is one that is guaranteed to last a lifetime and beyond. I think of the musical "RENT," where Roger spent the whole story trying to write "one great song," and in the song "Your Eyes," just before the finale, he sings to Mimi, "You were the song all along." On one level, I can't help but think, "Gee, I'd love to have that kind of feeling," but, on another level, I feel like that would demean the love I have devoted my entire life to. Barry Manilow says, and I know I have quoted this before, that "Music obliterates everything else in your life," and I say to music: Go right ahead. I welcome and embrace it.

Chapter 43: Change

It seems like a recurring theme, whether I have discussed it here or not, that I can't seem to make it through a single day lately without feeling like I've pissed somebody off. In many of these cases, it has been that nobody was pissed off at all but in some they actually were. I don't know what to do about this at all. I can't figure out what it is that I am doing that keeps making me feel this way. In today's case, though, I can honestly say that I really didn't do anything wrong. Of course, I also don't have any real evidence that this person is pissed off at me. I am basically just working with a slight hunch and a lack of response out of them. Without going into details about the situation, I said something to a friend of mine last night that I guess could have implied that I did something wrong. I got a short response, and only gave a minor explanation and haven't heard from them since. What may have been slightly implied in the conversation didn't actually happen, and the pissed off person may not have even caught the implication, but the lack of response has made me a little paranoid. It's probably residual paranoia left over from all the other days of thinking I've pissed people off. I just can't seem to catch a break! In this case, though, I have the best defense possible: I didn't do anything wrong. Despite my penchant for having loose lips, they have been locked tight lately and I haven't gone off and run my mouth to anybody. I just wish I could explain that to the person who may or may not be pissed off at me. Or maybe I don't even need to. This is shitty.

I didn't wake up until 8:30am this morning because I had some overtime at work and didn't have to go in until 10:45am, so it was a very relaxed morning. I took a nice, long shower using my new favorite product in the world: Ulta's Berrylicious Shower Smoothie, which is a combination shampoo, shower gel and bubble bath. It makes me come out of the shower smelling like a cupcake or candy or something else extra fruity. How appropriate, right? I have this problem lately, though, where no matter what time I wake up or what time I am supposed to be at work, I always push off getting ready for work until the very last minute, then I have to rush. I don't know why that is but even this morning with my long shower I had to rush as soon as I got out. I keep getting to work just barely being on time. This is definitely something I need to work on.

Once I got to work, there wasn't a whole lot going on. I got a decent QC, (quality control,) which I was slightly surprised by because my sister's girlfriend is doing them since our previous QC left and she has a tendency to be a little more harsh than a regular QC. I also continued work on my "Radio Ga Ga" picture, complete with visual references to the era like a heart made of glass, ("Heart Of Glass" by Blondie,) a bloodthirsty royal, ("Killer Queen" by Queen,) and a person hanging from a telephone chord, ("Hanging On The Telephone" by Blondie.) I have decided that once I have completed drawing this picture I want to somehow figure out a way to get a large painting of it done. I am trying to talk my sister into doing it, as she is the visual artist of the family, but it isn't exactly the type of thing she normally does. We'll see. I certainly don't want to paint it myself. I am not good at painting. I'm barely good at drawing, but I get by. I am, by no means, an artist in that sense. I am really good at coming up with interesting concepts for art, but do not have the ability to execute them. It's not really something I have a passion for, either, but I do find it fascinating and have a great appreciation for all forms of art. I feel the same way about acting - I have no interest in doing it, and am really not good at it, but I am fascinated by people who are passionate about it. It has always seemed to me that acting is kind of the opposite of music, in a lot of ways. Acting is about immersing yourself in a character and pouring yourself into being somebody else or internalizing your true self in order to portray somebody else, whereas music is all about taking parts of your internal self and putting them out there to be seen. Music comes from yourself; it is based in your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions, your perspective. Music is about an outward expression of who you are inside. Acting seems to be more about internalizing yourself and really becoming another person for the time that you are on stage or filming. Like I said, I find the whole thing fascinating, without having any real desire to do it myself.

Something random I briefly mentioned in yesterday's post: I have started listening to Queen. For years I have been aware of Queen, but never really cared either way about them. Really, my main thought on Queen was "I HATE BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY!" While I still don't particularly like that song, I downloaded a greatest hits album, "Absolute Greatest," yesterday and have completely fallen in love with it. I was thinking about the fact that many of my favorite artists, including Lady GaGa and Adam Lambert, have listed Queen as one of their biggest influences and I figured I must be missing something. I was absolutely right, because this band is absolutely amazing. My biggest obsession right now is the song "Radio Ga Ga," as evidenced by the fact that I am drawing this big picture inspired by it. It is kind of the story of my life, in a lot of ways, and it just has such a big, epic sound to it. It is amazing, and insanely ahead of it's time. "Killer Queen" is another favorite, as well as "I Want To Break Free," "Somebody To Love," "Heaven For Everyone," "I Want It All," and "The Show Must Go On." I have also developed a new appreciation for some of those songs that you can't help but have known all your life, like "We Are The Champions," "We Will Rock You," "Another One Bites The Dust," and "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." My favorite Queen song remains what it was before, though, "Under Pressure." That song is absolutely amazing and something I have always been able to connect with. Plus, it features Bowie. It doesn't get much better than that.

Yesterday, my friend Nate did a video on his youtube channel discussing charity for the holidays, in particular Toys For Tots, which really got me thinking about charitable acts this holiday season. It certainly isn't the best financial time in the world right now in this country, and I can certainly understand people being much less prone to give away the money that is seeming like less and less these days, but one thing I think it is important to remember is that there is always somebody considerably less fortunate than we are, no matter what your situation is, and I think it is extremely important for us all to do whatever we are able to do to help those people. Whether your preference is to provide toys for children who otherwise wouldn't have a Christmas through Toys For Tots, or if you are like me and prefer the idea of providing an education based in spirituality that will help build strong leaders for the future through my favorite charity, Spirituality For Kids, or any other charities out there, I really believe it is extremely important for us all to get involved in any way that we can to help others, both here and abroad. Another charity that I have come upon recently that I feel very passionate towards is called The Girl Effect, and they assist in building schools and providing education for girls in third world countries, where girls are considered less-than-second-class citizens and do not have the rights to an education or the chance at a better life that we are so freely given here in America. Girls all over the world are considered lesser beings and denied basic rights, like education, and it has got to be stopped. It is a rough life for girls all over the world, even here in America, and I believe it is important for us to show the world that every girl has value and should have every opportunity that any man does. Like Carrie Underwood says on a song on her new album, "Play On," called "Change:" "The smallest things can make all the difference, Love is alive so don't listen to them when they say, You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world." As much as it may seem like a corny song, I absolutely believe this to be true. Every single one of us has the power to create change in this world. If you're not sure where to start, I have found that the most powerful way to effect change in others is by making changes in yourself and leading by example. Change the way you look at the world and the way that you act towards others. People will notice and a few of those people will actually make the effort to do the same. Then a few people will see each of those people and do the same. Before you know it, if you ever do actually recognize it, you will have made a positive change in this world. Just be aware, this works both ways. Negative change can spread just as easily, (in most cases, even more easily,) than positive change. It is important to be aware of our actions and try to always be the best that we are able to. Of course, people are not perfect and nobody can be at their best at all times, but what we can do is always make the effort. If it doesn't work every time, at least we tried... and I think trying counts for a lot more than you would think.

Let me also take a second to talk about my job. Today at work a bunch of people ganged up to kind of point out one specific person who has been getting on everybody else's nerves. The mob mentality is definitely in effect on my team at work. I can understand it, in a lot of ways, because this person is working my last nerve, too, but I also feel really bad for them. We are all adults here, and it just seems like such a schoolyard mentality of everyone ganging together to make fun of one person. I can't say that I haven't been guilty of joining in a bit of shit talking behind these people's backs but today it really felt plain mean-spirited and unfair. I have never understood when people say, "It's better that you say things to people's faces." I completely disagree with that! When people are not around, I don't see anything wrong with venting your frustrations about them, when it's not necessarily that you dislike them but they annoy you. That seems like the kind thing to do, because you are sparing a person's feelings. When you sit there and make it clear right to a person's face how much you dislike them or how much they annoy you, you are only hurting that persons feelings and that just seems cruel to me. It is also just very funny to me how easily my workplace can become a schoolyard. I try to avoid taking part in any of this, although I am not always successful. Like I talked about before, I get along with everybody on my team individually. It just seems like certain people combining really brings out the worst in them, and in turn, the worst in the whole group. Yet another example of how easily negativity can spread. I am no better than any of them, either, because I take part in it. I try not to, but I often wind up in the middle of it all.

After work tonight, my Mom headed up to her boyfriends house in Winter Haven and left me alone for the weekend. I don't really have any solid plans for the weekend. I have non-concrete plans for hanging out with a couple friends tomorrow night, but I have this feeling that isn't going to happen. I may wind up hanging out with my sister and her girlfriend, or maybe I'll just stay home and watch some of the IFC movies that have piled up on my DVR. This evening I got one of them out of the way: "Fast Food Nation," which was a slightly disturbing and absolutely heartbreaking film. I didn't really know too much about the story beforehand, but was blown away by all the different stories told in the film, particularly that of Wilmer Valderamma's character and his girlfriend, who were illegal immigrants brought over from Mexico and working in the meat packing plant that supplies meats to the company at the center of the story. There is a scene towards the end of the movie where his Wilmer's character's girlfriend is taken to work on the "Kill Floor" at this plant that is absolutely shocking and leaves you feeling completely gutted. The best and the worst part of the film, though, is that there is no resolution. It really exposes an awful truth of our society. I recommend everyone see this film. It really blew my mind.

It is now 2:30am, and I would like to avoid a repeat of last weekend, where I slept til 2:15pm on Sunday and spent the entire week feeling exhausted. In order to avoid that, I should go to bed.

Chapter 42: Radio Ga Ga

I have absolutely no idea what to write about today. Honestly, I am really lost on a topic for the day. It was such a boring day, both at work and after, that I really can't even come up with a place to begin. So, instead of detailing my bore of a day, (I began drawing a picture at work inspired by the Queen song "Radio Ga Ga," and also, I started listening to Queen,) I have decided that there is no better time than now to do my end of year music review! There's been a lot of really great music that was released this year, so I am going to break it down month by month, then at the end name my favorite album of the year and who gets the coveted title of my favorite new artist of the year, nearly guaranteeing them a world of success in 2010, (which is evidenced by all of my previous year's picks, as I've mentioned previously.) So, let's get right to it and begin with January.



January 2009 was a slow month for music that I actually care about but there were a few great albums that came out that month, including "Davy" by Coconut Records, which I loved, "Tonight: Franz Ferdinand" by Franz Ferdinand, which was an excellent record although not my favorite of theirs, and "Eye Legacy," a posthumous album from Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, which I really enjoyed but which made me kind of sad. I hate posthumous records, aside from Aaliyah's, because they were brilliant. My favorite album from January, though, is one that I didn't actually discover until months later: "Slow & Steady Seduction: Phase II" by Anya Marina. This record is beautiful all the way through. It all has the vibe of a singer-songwriter record from the 70s, but with a lot of soul. Even the album's cover art looks like one of those classic records from the early 70s. Key tracks to check out are "All The Same To Me," "After Party At Jimmy's," and "Vertigo."



February 2009 saw the release of a few albums that I really enjoyed, although not many that would be contenders for favorite album of the year. For example, February was when The Lonely Island record, "Incredibad," was released, which I have had quite a few laughs over, but wouldn't call it an amazing album. Also in February was the release of "Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience" soundtrack, which was fun to fangirl over but nothing actually all that special. My favorite album from February 2009, though, is definitely in contention for favorite of the year: "It's Not Me, It's You" by Lily Allen. This is the follow-up to what was probably my favorite record of 2006, "Alright, Still." Lily Allen was also my pick for favorite new artist of 2006 and her career blew up in a big way in 2007. I really didn't know what to expect of her second album, but I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. "It's Not Me, It's You" is a much more mature record, both in lyric and in sound, and was an amazing second effort from Lily. Key tracks to check out include: "The Fear," "Not Fair," "Fuck You," "I Could Say," and my absolute favorite song she has ever recorded, "Chinese." I absolutely love this album to bits.



March 2009 was a good month for music that I really loved, including the physical release of "A Million, Trillion Stars" by the most underrated band of the decade, Boomkat, "Fortress 'Round My Heart" by Ida Maria, which included one of my favorite singles of the year, "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked," the "Hannah Montana: The Movie" soundtrack, which is, if not one of the best, certainly one of my most listened to records of the year, and "In A Perfect World" by Keri Hilson, which would have had a real shot had it been released in March 2008. My favorite album of March 2009, though, is also an absolute contender for my favorite record of 2009: "All I Ever Wanted" by Kelly Clarkson. After a disastrous 2008, career-wise, Kelly Clarkson made an incredibly triumphant return in 2009 with "All I Ever Wanted," an album that managed to find the happy medium between the AMAZING, but non-commercial "My December" before it and the AMAZING, but a little too commercial "Breakaway." This record also saw Kelly Clarkson begin experimenting with a sound she hadn't really before: More electronic and dance type sounds, which are a brilliant fit for her. Key tracks on this album include: THE ENTIRE ALBUM.



April 2009 was a month where nothing really of interest to me was released. Looking back on album releases in April, the only thing that I actually still have on my iPod is Asher Roth's "Asleep In The Bread Aisle," and it's only because I still like to play that silly "I Love College" song every now and then when nobody can hear. So, in lieu of a choice for April, I am making a second choice for March. "Hannah Montana: The Movie" was released in April, despite the soundtrack coming out in March. The soundtrack is an extremely solid record, mainly consisting of songs from Miley Cyrus and her character Hannah Montana. The songs on this soundtrack, particularly the ones credited to Miley Cyrus, are some of her best work so far. Key tracks include: Taylor Swift's "Crazier," Miley's "You'll Always Find Your Way Back Home," the Miley/Billy Ray Cyrus duet, "Butterfly Fly Away," and one of my favorite songs of 2009, "The Climb."



May 2009 had it's ups and downs, as far as music goes. Downs like Ciara's just kind of unfortunate record "Fantasy Ride," which did have a few really solid tracks on it but was overall pretty bland, and ups like Green Day's "21st Century Breakdown," which is absolutely amazing but doesn't quite compare to "American Idiot." My favorite album of May 2009 is from a considerably lesser known artist, at least in the US, but is absolutely brilliant: "This Is The One" by Utada. I have never been one of those people who is really into J-Pop or anything, but ever since I first heard Utada's song "Simple & Clean," used in the ads for the video game "Kingdom Hearts," I have been in love with her. Her first English album, "Exodus," was an amazing, off-kilter take on the pop and dance music of the moment. "This Is The One" is a very different record from that, though. It seems more like Utada had finally found her niche for singing in English... if only anybody had noticed. Key tracks include: "Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence/FYI," "Apple & Cinnamon," "On & On," and, my personal favorite, "This One (Crying Like A Child.)" I HIGHLY recommend this album.



June 2009 saw some really great stuff released, including "The Bachelor" by Patrick Wolf, "The E.N.D." by the Black Eyed Peas and "Lines, Vines & Trying Times" by the Jonas Brothers, which is their best record thus far. My favorite record of June 2009 is another contender for favorite album of the year, from a contender for favorite new artist of the year: Little Boots' album, "Hands." This is dance music as it is meant to be - pure, honest, based in solid songwriting with all the extras added in after the fact. I couldn't possibly say all the great things about this album in this space, it is simply amazing. Key tracks include: "New In Town," "Remedy," "Earthquake," "Stuck On Repeat," "No Brakes," "Tune Into My Heart," and "Symmetry." I just listed 7 of the 12 tracks on the album, and the other 5 are just as good. This album is amazing!



July is usually not a very good month for album releases, I have noticed because there is not normally something great being released around my birthday, but July 2009 saw the release of a few really brilliant records, including "Evacuate The Dancefloor" by Cascada, "Lungs" by Florence + The Machine, "Nothing Personal" by All Time Low, "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks, which was leaps and bounds ahead of her first album, and "Guilty Pleasure" by Ashley Tisdale, which just barely missed being my favorite of the month. My favorite album of July 2009 would absolutely have to be "Ocean Eyes" by Owl City. Both a contender for my favorite album of the year and my favorite new artist of the year, Owl City hit me in a big way this year, as evidenced by many mentions in this blog. "Ocean Eyes" is one of those records that hits you right from the start and keeps your attention the entire way through. It is not only one of my favorite albums of this year, but one of my favorite albums in general. I listen to this album constantly and have yet to tire of even the single, "Fireflies" which is getting a ton of play these days. Key tracks include: THE ENTIRE ALBUM. Seriously, anybody who hasn't heard this album needs to pick it up IMMEDIATELY.



August 2009 brought with it a few releases that I absolutely loved, including "Complete Me" by Frankmusik, as well as "Re-Complete Me" and "Completely Me," the remixed and acoustic versions of the album, "Hot Mess" by Cobra Starship, featuring my favorite single for the spring/summer season, "Good Girls Go Bad" with Leighton Meester, Imogen Heap's "Ellipse," and Miley Cyrus' EP "The Time Of Our Lives," featuring my absolute favorite song of the summer, "Party In The USA." My favorite album of August 2009, though, was the self-titled debut from the artist who is a close second for my favorite new artist of 2009, Jessie James. She's got a voice that is sometimes eerily similar to Christina Aguilera's and is the first artist to have successfully, in my opinion, managed to blend country and R&B sounds. She is absolutely amazing vocally and makes a country/pop fusion better than any I have heard. Key tracks include: "Wanted," "Bullet," "I Look So Good (Without You,)" "Burning Bridges," "Psycho Girlfriend," and "Blue Jeans." If you enjoy pop music as much as I do, this is absolutely a record you need to hear.



September 2009 is a very difficult month to pick a favorite from because so much great stuff came out that month. Some of my favorites from the month include "Turn It Up" by Pixie Lott, "The Boy Who Knew Too Much" by Mika, "brand new eyes" by Paramore, "Kiss & Tell" by Selena Gomez & The Scene, "Break Up" by Scarlett Johansson & Pete Yorn and my second favorite album of the month, "The Listening" by Lights. An honorable mention for September also goes to Madonna's "Celebration," which is just a greatest hits album, but included one of the best singles of the year, as far as I am concerned, of the same name. As a gay man, though, for my favorite album of the month I have to give it up for a diva: Whitney Houston's "I Look To You." This is an absolutely amazing return to form for Whitney, who hadn't released an album in 6 years and not a really great one in nearly 10 years. "I Look To You" is exactly the album I, and many other fans of hers, had been waiting years for. She does not disappoint in the slightest on this record, and was absolutely robbed by the Grammy academy. This album should be up for Album of the Year. It is definitely up for my favorite album of the year. Key tracks include: "I Look To You," "I Didn't Know My Own Strength," "Million Dollar Bill," "Call You Tonight," "Like I Never Left" and my absolute favorite, "Salute." The entire album is absolutely amazing!



October 2009 didn't hold much in the way of really exciting music releases. In fact, there were only two that were really of note to me and they are nearly tied for my favorite: Cheryl Cole's debut solo album, "3 Words," which is an absolutely amazing album and includes one of my favorite singles of the entire year, "Fight For This Love." The other album, my favorite of October 2009, was released internationally in October, but released in the US in November. I had it in October, so I count it for October. Shakira's third English studio album, "She Wolf," is one of my favorite albums of the year. It was largely produced by The Neptunes, as well as a killer track produced by Timbaland. This album marks a distinct difference in sound for Shakira, delving into both urban and techno sounds that work better for her than anything she has done before. I absolutely love this album. Key tracks include: THE ENTIRE ALBUM.



November, historically, is the biggest month of the year for music releases and 2009 was no different. As difficult as it was to choose a favorite for September, November is absolutely the most difficult month of this year. There were so many records released in November that are very near and dear to me, so picking a favorite is very difficult. Some of my favorite records of November 2009 include: "Play On" by Carrie Underwood, "Alter The Ending" by Dashboard Confessional, "Echo" by Leona Lewis, The self-titled debut from Kris Allen, "All Or Nothing" by Jay Sean, "Rated R" by Rihanna and my favorite album of the year, (which will be revealed later.) My favorite album for November 2009, though, would absolutely have to be "The Fame Monster" by Lady GaGa. "The Fame Monster" is actually pretty much tied for my favorite album of the year, but there can only be one for the month and one for the entire year, so I had to pick and choose and the other has an extremely slight edge over this one. "The Fame Monster," much like "The Fame" before it, is a breathtaking EXPERIENCE, more than an album. It is only 8 tracks, but each one of those 8 tracks is more brilliant than anything you hear on pretty much any other album released this year. Key tracks include: THE ENTIRE ALBUM, AND THE ENTIRE FIRST ALBUM, AND THE ENTIRE CATALOG OF LEAKED TRACKS, AND BOOTLEGS OF LIVE SHOWS AND EVERYTHING GAGA.



December 2009 has been a surprise to me. There has been more great music than I expected. Three albums in particular have really blown my mind in this, the last month of the year. Timbaland's "Shock Value II," is an amazing album and really blew my mind. Also, "Stronger withEach Tear" by Mary J. Blige was a very pleasant surprise, not that it is surprising that Mary J. Blige has released another amazing album, but surprising that the album popped up so suddenly because I wasn't even aware of any plans for it. My favorite album of December 2009, though, is absolutely "The Element Of Freedom" by Alicia Keys. I had really kind of lost interest in Alicia Keys' music, but this album swooped in a completely changed my mind. It is heartbreaking at times, breathtaking in others and just an all-around emotional thrill-ride. This album feels like floating. I don't know how to explain that, but it is an absolutely stunning album. Key tracks include: "Doesn't Mean Anything," "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart," "Unthinkable," "Like The Sea," "Put It In A Love Song," "Empire State Of Mind, Part II: Broken Down," and my absolute favorite, "Wait 'Til You See My Smile."

...and last, but definitely not least, my favorite album of 2009 is:



"For Your Entertainment" by Adam Lambert!!! This album is my favorite of the year for a number of reasons, but there is only reason that really matters. I could sit here and fangirl over how cute Adam is and how I'm gonna marry him someday when it becomes legal, or discuss the fact that he has been a very important figure for the GLBT community, or even how he has been a major personal inspiration to me, but at the end of the day, what makes this my favorite album of 2009 is the music. From the opening notes of the first track, "Music Again," to the end of the last track on the album, "Time For Miracles," there is not a single misstep. This is not an American Idol contestant album, as so many of them have released, but this is the world premiere of a strong, immensely talented vocalist, songwriter and performer. There is not a single song on the album that I feel like skipping or like any less than the rest of the album. I can't even state key tracks for this album, because you really need to listen to the entire thing to get the scope of it. I recommend this album to absolutely everyone.

So, that leaves only one order of business: Naming my favorite new artist of 2009. It may seem fairly obvious, (no, it isn't Adam Lambert, he's already blown up in 2009,) but I wasn't sure until fairly recently. My favorite new artist of 2009 is:



OWL CITY!!! As I mentioned in discussing the month of July, their album "Ocean Eyes," has been one of my absolute favorites, not just of this year but ever, and Adam Young, the sole member of Owl City, has been a huge inspiration to me as an artist. With each of the artists who has been selected as my favorite new artist of the year, a large part of the reason is because they release a debut album that I connect with in an intense way, including "Scissor Sisters" in 2004, "The Secret Life Of The Veronicas" in 2005, "Alright, Still" in 2006, "13 Tales of Love & Revenge" in 2007 and "The Fame" in 2008. They are all albums that I connect with in different ways, but there is always this feeling that I get from these records that just drive me insane with how great they are and, even more, how much I can relate to them. "Ocean Eyes" is absolutely, more than any other album released in 2009, that album for this year.

So, that is it for my big "Year In Review" music post. I am tossing around ideas for other "Year In Review" posts that may pop up before the year ends. We'll see. For now, though, it is almost 1:30am and I simply must get to bed.

Chapter 41: The Bitch Of Living

I did something incredibly stupid today. When I say incredibly stupid, I don't mean life-altering at this point or anything, but just something incredibly ridiculous that I should have absolutely known better than to do. It wasn't so much a moment of weakness as a moment of sheer stupidity and being too comfortable, I suppose. I was at work, at the place that shall not be named for security purposes, which I'm sure you can assume by this point is a job of answering phones. Much like any job of answering phones, all of those phone calls are recorded. They use this strange system to record our calls and it always take a moment to begin when the call comes in and to end when the caller hangs up. Well, all of us who work there know to be very alert of what we are saying while this recording is taking place but, as I said, apparently I got a little too comfortable and wasn't thinking. I let out a word under my breath after the caller had hung up, but while I was still being recorded. Oh no, it wasn't just any word: It was "BITCH." The caller was trying to open a new account and was required to pay a deposit and she ended the call saying something like, "Well, we're just not gonna do that." I began to ask, "Is there anything else I can help you with?" but she hung up in the middle of the sentence, and I let out a sigh and said, "BITCH." I'm not sure what exactly happened that one of the supervisors wound up listening to the call and had to relay it to my supervisor, my sister. So, I got written up for it, and rightfully so. It's not something I can argue or make excuses for: A cardinal rule of working in customer service is DON'T MAKE DISPARAGING COMMENTS ABOUT THE CUSTOMERS WHERE PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU. I know this by heart, but for some reason did not follow it today. Fortunately, it wasn't something that puts my job at jeopardy or anything, so long as that recording never winds up having to be reviewed by Corporate. Given that this was a customer declining service with us and that was really the end of her involvement with us, there really shouldn't be any reason for it to wind up at Corporate for any reason. To make matters worse, though, after the write up took place when I went back to my cubicle the very next call I got was from that same customer. She was calling back to say that another company had offered her service without a deposit and that if we couldn't offer her the same, she would be going with that other company. I advised her that we would not be able to waive that deposit for her and the call ended cordially this time without anybody calling anybody a bitch... that I know of. She may very well have been calling me a bitch after hanging up. Luckily for her, she was not being recorded after hanging up. Like I said, my job is not at jeopardy at this point so I don't need to stress over this and make it a point to never let it happen again.

The first thing I thought of when I was told about that, though, was that this was a sign not to apply for the position that was posted yesterday. It just seemed to me immediately that an application from somebody who JUST got written up for using profanity on a call would simply be laughed at. I mentioned this to my sister, though, and she said that I still should. Maybe this incident is not something that will be viewed as disastrous as it feels to me. I just still can't believe I actually did that. Either way, though, since my sister encouraged still applying I will. I asked her to go ahead and print out a copy of my resume to submit. I don't think there's much, if any, competition for the position so perhaps I will actually wind up getting it. It seems like everybody eligible for the position doesn't have any interest in pursuing it, and that kind of works out because, based on my own observations, I don't think management is all that interested in hiring any of them. I don't think they're overly interested in hiring me, either, but if I wind up being the only option they'll kind of have no choice. I like those odds. Like I said, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference to me right now because I won't be doing it all that long if I do get it and there won't be any change at all if I don't get it. Plus, as I have been saying all along, it would look really good on my resume once I move back to California to have added a management position to it.

Aside from that, the day was pretty bland. Not a lot went on. One of my co-workers has been getting on my nerves a bit and I found out today that this person has been getting on everybody else's nerves, too. Despite the fact that my team at work are not a group of people who always get along with each other, I appreciate the fact that I can get along with all of them and that we are all on the same page right now. Seriously, they are pretty much all people that I can get along with individually, so it makes for a pretty pleasant work place and I am very grateful for that. I may not enjoy the work I'm doing, but at least I can get along with the people working with me. I just need to really make it a point to focus on the fact that I need this job for the next 6 months. It is imperative that I hang on to this job and do the best that I can, whether I get the promotion or not, to make sure they have absolutely no reason to take it away from me. As I have said many times before, the universe is lining everything up perfectly for me to reach my goal of moving to California by the end of our lease here and it will not let anything stand in the way of that. Hell, I will not let anything stand in the way of that. By May, all of my ducks will be in a row and I will be ready to go out and make a new life for myself and be the new person I have become in the old state that I had to leave to become it. I really feel like everything is lining up for me and there is immense greatness ahead. I cannot wait.

Speaking of greatness, aside from the stupid thing that happened today, something great happened today! I FINALLY heard from my best friend, Don. I was beginning to get concerned about the fact that I hadn't heard back from him. I have mentioned many times in this blog so far that he is the one person in the world that I don't ever have to question, but after trying to call him for over two weeks without any response, I was beginning to find myself questioning him. After all these years and all this time that we have been best friends, could he have finally just had enough and given up on me and my wishy-washy, here today, gone tomorrow lifestyle? Well, that question was answered when I went on my lunch break today and found a voicemail from him. Apparently, he had some phone drama, (the screen on his touch screen phone cracked and it took him forever to replace it,) and was unaware of all my contact attempts until he got his phone replaced today. He left me a very sweet message and I just started to feel a lot better about the world.

...Then I called a customer a bitch while being recorded. I can't obsess over that, though.

The only thing left to discuss today is my newest obsession and the first album leak of 2010 that I am really really excited over: Ke$ha. I first heard Ke$ha something like 6 months ago when a collection of about 30 demos she had recorded leaked to the internet. They were mainly songs she had written for other artists and songs that were not intended for use on her album, but songs that are all really good. I love her style of writing. It's all very offbeat and quirky and fun and generally unique. I enjoyed that collection of demos but kind of put them aside in my frenzy of other artists, like GaGa and such. Then, she resurfaced with the release of her first official single "TiK ToK." This song is getting an insane amount of play right now, and I say rightfully so. It is the same old happy, party song about getting trashed and being caught up in your own bravado, but delivered in a way that makes that same old story seem new and interesting. I was definitely down with that song and it got me kind of excited for her album to be released, but it wasn't until last week when four more songs from the album leaked that I really began developing an obsession. Those four songs, "Your Love Is My Drug," "Kiss N Tell," "Take It Off" and "Blah Blah Blah" are all absolutely brilliant. They are all poppy and dancy type songs, but again delivered in that interesting, unique, fun way that "TiK ToK." I have kind of gone back over those demos that are not making the album and there is some real genius stuff in there, too, especially a song called "Disgusting." Other favorites include, "Secret Weapon," "Radio Radio Radio," "Fuck Him, He's A DJ," and "Paris Hilton's Closet," which is a hilarious telling of a night of partying that ended with throwing up in Paris Hilton's closet. That song is particularly adorable. Her album, "Animal," is due to be released on January 5, 2010 so I am hoping it will leak sometime over the next week or so. I really can't wait to hear the rest of the album. One thing I do have to say, though, is that a lot of people over on my favorite website, Oh No They Didn't, seem to be speculating that by this time next year she will be considered "the new GaGa." Much as I am obsessing over/loving Ke$ha, I have to say that she is no GaGa. I kind of relate her much more to Katy Perry, who made a name for herself with a song that was a complete novelty, but backed it up with music that was fresh and different and genuinely good. That is what I am expecting out of Ke$ha... but GaGa she ain't. Nothing against her... nobody is GaGa!

It is now nearly 12:30am, and the quest to get more sleep just doesn't seem to be working out for me this week. I should, at least, continue to try. It is time to go shake off the drama of the day and get ready to face a new day tomorrow. A day where I don't call anybody a bitch... at least, not while being recorded.