Today was a pretty good day, I would say. I didn’t wake up until 1pm, which is later than I generally care to wake up, but I didn’t really mind it today. I still felt really tired when I woke up, so I didn’t really do much right away. I mean, I did the usual morning stuff, like my morning skincare routine and brushing my teeth and such, but after that I just lied down on the couch and turned on the TV. It was on E! They were playing this weird little special called “Justin Bieber: My World.” So, I watched that for an hour. It was actually considerably more interesting than you would expect from a TV special about a 15-year old. I’m not going to lie, I am kind of a fan of Justin Bieber and this special actually made him a lot more interesting than he initially appeared. It is fascinating how his entire career began with just a grass roots campaign online started by him and his mother. It was also really interesting seeing these pretty extensive interviews with his manager, the man who really discovered him, Scooter Braun, who is a really interesting and good-looking gentleman. After that ended, I found myself sitting in front of one of those ridiculous Kardashian shows that I hate but have found myself watching lately out of sheer boredom and lack of energy to reach for the remote and change the channel. Now, I had made tentative plans with my friends Whitney and Nate to hang out tonight, since we hadn’t hung out in so long. It also happens that today was Nate’s birthday, so it was extra reason to want to hang out with him. Still, at this point this afternoon I hadn’t heard from them and really wasn’t sure whether or not we were actually going to wind up hanging out. Still, in case we did wind up hanging out, I did a bit of cleaning around the house. By this point it was after 3pm and my Mom was scheduled to get off work at 4:30pm so I figured I should get showered, shaved and dressed for the day. She had text messaged me earlier in the day asking if I still wanted to go out when she got off, which was surprising because normally when she gets off work on Saturdays she is tired and not really in the mood to go anywhere. Still, when she got off she seemed to be in really good spirits and ready to head out. So, right around 5pm, we left the house to run some errands.
Just after we left the house I finally heard from Whitney, asking if I still wanted to hang out tonight. I said that I did but had to be out for a while, and that I should be home by 8pm or so. This kind of put a time limit on the evening with my Mom – a time limit I wasn’t entirely sure we could meet. Our first stop was at Walgreen’s because I needed to get some money out of the ATM for rent. Fortunately for me, my Mom did something really great for me this week – it’s a long story but basically she came into some extra money last week, and since my paycheck was short from missing those two days last week when I was sick, she let me pay less rent than I normally would. So, I basically wound up having as much extra money as I do every paycheck, which was amazing of her. It really made a world of difference. While we were at Walgreen’s, I happened to notice in their ad that Clean & Clear products were buy one, get one 50% off, and I have been thinking for a while now that there has been a step missing in my daily skincare routine – exfoliating. Exfoliation is meant to remove dead skin cells from the skin and leave it looking and feeling softer and more refreshed. The issue with exfoliating for me was the fact that it is generally pretty harsh and only done once weekly or so. I don’t like that idea. So, I did a little research online and found that Clean & Clear has a product called the Deep Action Exfoliating Scrub, which is gentle enough for daily use but still gets the job done. I used it for the first time just before starting this blog and, I must say, it does seem like I have been really missing out. Initially, I was concerned that it would be just like any other facial cleanser but after using it I can really feel the difference on my skin. There are areas on my face that must have had a buildup of dead skin without my realizing it because they really feel completely different now. These spots that were rough and unsightly before are now soft and smooth. I’m pretty thrilled with the results at this point. Plus, I got another pack of Clean & Clear Facial Cleansing Wipes, which I use to remove my makeup every day, for half price. Earlier today, while watching E!, I saw a commercial for this new shampoo, as well, which I immediately thought I should give a try. It is called Hair Endurance For Men from Head & Shoulders. As much as I hate to admit it I have some pretty messed up scalp issues, which sometimes result in dandruff and very dry scalp. Plus, as I have discussed in this blog several times in the past, my hair is getting thinner by the day. Well, this Head & Shoulder Hair Endurance For Men is pretty much the perfect product for me because it targets both of these issues. Plus, it smells really good. So, I am pretty excited to try that product out tomorrow. It would be wonderful if I wind up seeing some results from it!
After Walgreen’s, we headed south to the Gulf Gate plaza. The first thing we did there was stop at Ulta, so I could use the gift card I got for my birthday. It was just enough to buy the brand new Stila Backstage palette, which includes six gorgeous Stila eye shadows. As I have mentioned here previously, I am a little obsessed with Stila products lately. Their eye shadows are just gorgeous. They are extremely soft to the touch and go on beautifully. This palette is no exception – it includes two really fun pink shimmer shades, as well as two neutral shimmer shades and two metallic blue/green colors. It is awesome! I am in love with that thing. I also picked up a new Covergirl Concealer Wand because the Amazing Cosmetics concealer that my friend April gave me a while back is running out very quickly and before investing in more of that, (since it is $28 for a small tube and $40 for a full-sized one,) I wanted to try out more of the less expensive, drugstore brand concealers to see if I can find something that works as well for me. I tried this Covergirl concealer once I got home and I really like the way it works on me. It is a little lighter than the Amazing Cosmetics stuff I have been using and does a better job of brightening up the area under/around my eyes, which I love. I don’t think the coverage is as good but it is still a really good product for me, I think. Since I had the gift card, I bought both of these products and only spent $2 and some change there, which was lovely. After leaving Ulta, my Mom and I decided to go get dinner at Panera Bread, which was really good. We just sat there and ate our soups and sandwiches and enjoyed each other’s company, which we haven’t really gotten to do much of lately. It was really nice.
After dinner, we had one last stop to make – the Sarasota Square Mall. I needed to go to the mall to pick up a birthday gift for Nate. Nate isn’t one of those people who are really into their birthday, in general, but I can’t think of anybody who doesn’t enjoy receiving gifts for their birthdays… even if they say that they don’t. Unfortunately, shopping for Nate isn’t really as easy as shopping for other people, so I was a little lost. I know that he has a tendency, or has had a tendency in the past, to shop at the store Buckle, so I figured that should be my first stop. I spent a good little while in this store looking for something that just screamed “Nate” to me but I really wasn’t finding anything particular that I felt like he would love. I decided to head over to Hot Topic to see if there might be something funny or interesting that he would like but I didn’t really find anything there, either. I did spot something that I really liked there but it wasn’t a product for sale – it was an employee. A few years ago, Whitney and I, along with our old friend, Stephanie, used to shop at Hot Topic VERY frequently – more frequently than anyone should – and we kind of befriended one of the employees there. We basically befriended this guy because he was extremely attractive and we all kind of had minor crushes on him. We even hung out with him at Warped Tour 2008, which was a lot of fun, and he became a fun acquaintance of ours. Over time as our friendships and, for me, personal styles changed it became much less frequent that we wound up in that store. In fact, today was the first time I have been in there in probably a year or so. This acquaintance of ours was still working there and kind of blew my mind with his increased hotness. Seriously, he looked better than I can ever remember him looking before. He made me tingly in all the right places. We talked for a little while and it was nice to catch up a bit. The whole thing made me reconsider my stance on the products they carry that I don’t really have much use for just because I would like to look at this boy more. He gave me the vapors or the fever or whatever else a flustered southern belle would say when she gets horny.
Still, no matter how hot the boy was looking, it really wasn’t any help in the situation of finding a birthday present for Nate. So, I wound up doing something I always hate doing – I went back to Buckle and bought him a gift card. It was nearly 8pm by this point, so we headed back to the house. I re-applied my makeup using the new products I picked up from Ulta, which I absolutely loved, and I filmed it for the second time today. Yes, I forgot to mention that I had filmed it earlier in the day, as well. What was the reason for this? As I mentioned in last night’s post, I had been really interested in the Ridley Scott/Kevin McDonald “Life In A Day” project, where they asked random people to film themselves doing anything they did today, July 24, 2010, and submit it to them for use in a film they are putting together called “Life In A Day.” Anybody whose video wound up getting used in the film would be credited as a co-director on the film and everything, which is really an amazing concept. So, I had decided that what I was going to film would be me applying my makeup for the day. Unfortunately, neither of these videos turned out very well, at all. I also came up with the idea of perhaps filming myself as I took off my makeup for the day but I didn’t wind up doing it because it was really late and I was tired. Of course, I suppose I wasn’t too tired to sit in front of the computer for the past two hours, but whatever. Whitney and Nate showed up around 9pm and we had a really good time hanging out. It was a lot of fun. We basically spent the entire evening just talking and watching random videos on YouTube. We also watched the movie “Connie & Carla,” which is one of my all-time favorite movies. They both seemed to really like it, as well, which is always cool. I love showing people my favorite movies and having them come to love them, as well. They didn’t wind up leaving until around 3am. After that, I did my weekly deep cleaning of my makeup brushes and did my evening skincare routine. Then, I wound up here.
It is nearly 6am now and I absolutely must get to bed. After all, I can’t afford to sleep all day tomorrow – I have to be ready to go to bed at a decent hour tomorrow and be ready to wake up, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, for work on Monday. This coming week is going to be a bit of a mess, I think – my supervisor is going to be off the floor training the new hires and we have clients visiting all week long, which means we can’t read and have to dress nicer than we usually do. In general, when we aren’t allowed to read and such, people get bored and talk more and trouble comes much more easily. So, it should be interesting. In the meantime, I intend to use tomorrow to do absolutely nothing but laundry and laying around watching movies on Netflix. My Mom pretty well has her day planned out already tomorrow, including going to church and going to visit an elderly friend of hers in the hospital, which will probably take up a good portion of the day for her. So, I intend to use the alone time to just relax and veg out… but not sleep. I DO need to go get a few hours of sleep now, though. Goodnight.
Sunday, July 25
Saturday, July 24
Chapter 260: The Safest Place
Okay, so I realize that I have been starting every blog lately by saying, "Ilm going to keep it short tonight," or something along those lines. I also realize that most of those times I haven't actually wound up sticking to that. Tonight is a different story, though. How is it so different, you may ask? Well, it's different because I am saying that I am going to keep it short and I actually mean it. I am sure of this because I am writing tonight's blog from my cell phone as I lie in my bed, ready to pass out. It is after 2am right now and I am exhausted. It's been a really long day. In fact, it's been a very long week, in spite of the fact that I only worked 3 days this week. It just felt like it took forever to get to the weekend this week. Of course, here I am - it is officially the weekend and I can get rid of any thoughts of that place for the next two days. That is a very good feeling to have. As far as today goes, it wasn't bad. It wasn't really great, either. It was mainly boring. It also seemed as if every single customer that I spoke with today had some sort of fucked up accent or a speech impediment or something along those lines. I also dealt with a good number of customers who wanted to argue over our company policies or whatever. Whatever. Aside from all of those crazy customers, I basically spent the entire day readin the next novel in the "Gossip Girl" series. They are actually really well-written books, aside from the immense amount od product placement in them. Every other page inxludes some line just randomly slipped in about one of the characters using her Stila Lip Glaze or Urban Decay Pocket Rocket or whatever else. I don't really mind that type of thing except that I feel like the way that itLs done in these books really diminishes the quality of the writing. It all just comes across as very random and forced. Aside from that, though, I am really enjoying these books and am looking forward to moving through the rest of the series.
So, that basically sums up the workday for me. After work didn't get much more interesting, either. My Mom and I had Gyros & Seafood for dinner and watched season two of the series, "Noah's Arc." "Noah's Arc," for those not familiar, is a series created for Logo about a group of four gay, African-American twenty-somethings living in Los Angeles. It is basically like a black, gay version of "Sex & The City."It was a really fun, positive and groundbreaking series that, unfortunately, only lasted for two seasons and one movie. It was brilliant, though - the writing was always really fun, quirky & current and the cast was full of gorgeous & very talented black and latino actors. What was so great about this show, though, was that it was really the first true glimpse into the inner workings of black gay culture that many people ever got. I absolutely loved this series. The main reason that I bring the series up in the first place is because of one of the storylines in the second season that really affected me as I watched it play out. Towards the end of the season, Noah gets severely attacked by a group of men at a gas station. This causes a huge emotional tailspin in his life and leaves him understandably traumatized. Now, I have long kind of turned my nose up at the use of gay bashing in gay cinema because, much like HIV & coming out storylines, it just seems like such a cliche and like it kind of only paints the picture of a very small spectrum of the gay community. However, this evening as I was watching this storyline play out on the show, it really kind of dawned on me that it is actually a very real danger to pretty much all of us in the gay community. For me and my type, the more eccentric/flamboyant types, it is an even bigger threat because we are pretty automatically identified. I have never had any genuine experience of my own with this type of attack, beyond being called a faggot or whatever else by people on the street or in bars or whatever, but it has always been something that remains in the back of my mind. It's a large part of the reason that I don't like to go out at night unless somebody I feel completely safe with is also there. To be quite honest, I really don't feel safe in public most of the time. I'm not sure when this started exactly but it's been that way for as long as I can remember. Now that I have taken to expressing myself through makeup and such, I feel as though I am even more vulnerable to this type of thing. Of course, I don't ever let this stop me from living my life but I do proceed with considerably more caution than your average straight person would when I am going out to public places or whatever. It sucks but, for the time being, it is simply how I feel and, sadly, is not without it's merits.
The only other thing I wanted to mention is this brilliant new project that is being spearheaded by Ridley Scott and directore Ken Thompson. The project is called "Life In A Day," and the basic concept is that they are asking people all across the world to
film something, ANYTHING, that they do on this one particular day. Then, you
lsubmit the video to them and they are splicing them all or a small portion of them together & creating a feature length film out of them. The point is to document what people all over the world were doing on this one day. It seems like an amazing project and I definitely intend to take part in it. I'm not sure yet of what I am going to film just yet but my mind is all abuzz with ideas for this. I don't know - whatever it is, I'll make sure it is brilliant. Also, whatever it is, I'll make sure to share it here once it is done. In the meantime, I absolutely must get to sleep. I keep wanting to doze off while writing this & I really can't fight it anymore. It is definitely time for bed. Goodnight.
So, that basically sums up the workday for me. After work didn't get much more interesting, either. My Mom and I had Gyros & Seafood for dinner and watched season two of the series, "Noah's Arc." "Noah's Arc," for those not familiar, is a series created for Logo about a group of four gay, African-American twenty-somethings living in Los Angeles. It is basically like a black, gay version of "Sex & The City."It was a really fun, positive and groundbreaking series that, unfortunately, only lasted for two seasons and one movie. It was brilliant, though - the writing was always really fun, quirky & current and the cast was full of gorgeous & very talented black and latino actors. What was so great about this show, though, was that it was really the first true glimpse into the inner workings of black gay culture that many people ever got. I absolutely loved this series. The main reason that I bring the series up in the first place is because of one of the storylines in the second season that really affected me as I watched it play out. Towards the end of the season, Noah gets severely attacked by a group of men at a gas station. This causes a huge emotional tailspin in his life and leaves him understandably traumatized. Now, I have long kind of turned my nose up at the use of gay bashing in gay cinema because, much like HIV & coming out storylines, it just seems like such a cliche and like it kind of only paints the picture of a very small spectrum of the gay community. However, this evening as I was watching this storyline play out on the show, it really kind of dawned on me that it is actually a very real danger to pretty much all of us in the gay community. For me and my type, the more eccentric/flamboyant types, it is an even bigger threat because we are pretty automatically identified. I have never had any genuine experience of my own with this type of attack, beyond being called a faggot or whatever else by people on the street or in bars or whatever, but it has always been something that remains in the back of my mind. It's a large part of the reason that I don't like to go out at night unless somebody I feel completely safe with is also there. To be quite honest, I really don't feel safe in public most of the time. I'm not sure when this started exactly but it's been that way for as long as I can remember. Now that I have taken to expressing myself through makeup and such, I feel as though I am even more vulnerable to this type of thing. Of course, I don't ever let this stop me from living my life but I do proceed with considerably more caution than your average straight person would when I am going out to public places or whatever. It sucks but, for the time being, it is simply how I feel and, sadly, is not without it's merits.
The only other thing I wanted to mention is this brilliant new project that is being spearheaded by Ridley Scott and directore Ken Thompson. The project is called "Life In A Day," and the basic concept is that they are asking people all across the world to
film something, ANYTHING, that they do on this one particular day. Then, you
lsubmit the video to them and they are splicing them all or a small portion of them together & creating a feature length film out of them. The point is to document what people all over the world were doing on this one day. It seems like an amazing project and I definitely intend to take part in it. I'm not sure yet of what I am going to film just yet but my mind is all abuzz with ideas for this. I don't know - whatever it is, I'll make sure it is brilliant. Also, whatever it is, I'll make sure to share it here once it is done. In the meantime, I absolutely must get to sleep. I keep wanting to doze off while writing this & I really can't fight it anymore. It is definitely time for bed. Goodnight.
Thursday, July 22
Chapter 259: Teenage Dream
I am going to try to keep this really short tonight. Why is that? Well, it is not even 10pm yet and I am exhausted. I actually have been all day. You see, the story of today has to begin a little earlier than most of my blogs – it begins last night. You see, as I mentioned while ending last night’s blog, my intention was to go to the Ulta website and do a little shopping with the Ulta gift card that I got from my Mom for my birthday. It was around 11-11:15pm when I finished the blog and I pretty much immediately headed to the website and was sifting through all kinds of stuff. I eventually settled on the Stila Pro Artist Palette, which was on sale for only $19.99. I have developed a bit of an obsession with Stila Cosmetics as of late, honestly – both Stila and Urban Decay have become my obsessions lately. I have given up on my MAC dreams, for the moment, because I can’t afford it half the time and don’t get to the stuffy gross mall where the only MAC store in town is located. Of course, that may change at some point this weekend because my sister and her girlfriend didn’t get me a birthday gift and said that they would take me to the MAC store to pick out something else for myself. So, hopefully I’ll get to do that this weekend, because that would be awesome! Anyway, so I was pretty well done with my shopping around on the Ulta site by just before midnight. I went into the bathroom to do my evening skincare routine, which took about 15 minutes, and had my head on a pillow by 12:15am. I was kind of dicking around on my phone for a while and listening to a shuffle of all four Hannah Montana soundtracks in bed. Unfortunately, that dicking around with my phone lasted until around 1am – not a good thing at all. So, I put my phone down and closed my eyes to try to fall asleep. My mind was kind of all over the place and sleep was clearly not coming anytime soon. Still, I stayed in bed and waited for it. Finally, around 1:50am, I decided to get out of bed long enough to go to the bathroom and smoke a cigarette. By this time it was just after 2am when I got back into bed. It was a little while longer, but not too long, before I actually fell asleep. So, when my alarm went off at 6am, I wasn’t quite ready to get out of bed.
My alarm clock and my phone are about five minutes apart for some reason so when the first one went off I turned it off and laid my head back down. Next thing I knew, it was 7:03am. This is an entire hour later than I usually get up in order to be to work by 8:30am, but now I had to be to work by 8am. I kind of flipped out. So, I did things a little differently than I normally would this morning. In general, when I first wake up I do my morning skincare routine and brush my teeth, then I have coffee, cigarettes and breakfast before heading back into the bathroom to get dressed and do hair and makeup. Because of the time restraints, I switched it up a bit today. I did a bit of prioritizing and decided that, as fucked up as it may sound, I would rather go to work hungry than go to work without makeup. So, as soon as I got out of bed, I grabbed my clothes for the day, went into the bathroom and did my normal skincare routine and brushed my teeth, then immediately got dressed and did my hair and makeup. I really rushed through it this morning, doing my go-to makeup look when I am in a rush, the single shadow Taylor Momsen-inspired look using Gilded Fierce from Christian Siriano for VS Makeup. It is a gorgeous black shadow with lots of gold glitter in it. I also lined my eyes with my Urban Decay Heavy Metal Glitter Liner, in Midnight Cowboy, which is a gorgeous gold glitter color. It was REALLY much more of an evening look but I liked it, anyway. Plus, like I said, it is my quickest, easiest makeup look and I was in a rush. Fortunately, I finished with all of this by 7:35am, so I had time to eat a bowl of cereal and smoke a cigarette or two before it was time to leave for work. I still hadn’t had any caffeine, so I filled my workplace approved spill-proof cup with coffee and rushed out the door.
When I arrived at work, I was seriously out of it. I gulped down my coffee as quickly as I could stand, with some sort of hopes that drinking it faster would cause the caffeine to kick in immediately. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out very well and I basically wound up feeling exhausted all day long. It was kind of interesting because it seemed like everybody at work was in that same place today. It seemed like everybody I talked to had a rough night last night in one way or another and was feeling the effects of it today. It was one of those days that I really had to push myself through. I spent most of the day being quiet and just reading the current book in the Gossip Girl series that I am reading – “Because I’m Worth It.” It is the first of the series that I hadn’t read before. I like it a lot. It is crazy how different the show is from the book series. The characters are completely different and things that wound up being long-term storylines on the show are barely even blips on the radar in the books. The best example of this is the character Chuck Bass, who is one of the main characters on the TV show and one of the series’ biggest draws. In the books, Chuck Bass is a completely one-sided character, nothing more than a complete sleaze ball, and he is very rarely featured in the books. I just think it’s really interesting, the differences between the book and the television series. Fortunately, there was no real drama to speak of at work today, although everybody did seem pretty annoyed with everybody else. Like I said before, though, nobody seemed overly annoyed with me so I don’t really care.
I got a text from my Mom pretty early in the day telling me that the package that was waiting for me at the office from UPS yesterday, the surprising and wonderful gift from my surprising and wonderful friend, Kelly, was from Urban Decay. I felt a little flash of concern and guilt over hearing this because I knew that, whatever it was, if it came from Urban Decay it probably cost her a pretty penny. I am still slightly conflicted on this matter, honestly. I mean, I know that she wouldn’t have bought it and sent it to me if she couldn’t afford it or didn’t actually want to but I still can’t help but feel bad. Still, when I got home and opened the package, I was absolutely thrilled with what I got! It was the brand-spanking new Urban Decay Vegan palette, which they created to celebrate the 30th anniversary of PETA, which is pretty cool. Urban Decay have long prided themselves on being a company that has never done animal testing, and they offer a pretty wide variety of vegan products, (although I’m not entirely sure what makes one eye shadow any more vegan than the rest of them.) So, this palette includes six of Urban Decays vegan eye shadows, including some really gorgeous colors that I am already coming up with all kinds of ideas for using! Actually, as soon as I opened up the palette and got a look at all of the included colors, I immediately came up with the look that I am going to do tomorrow. I won’t spoil it here but I’m pretty sure you can count on seeing pictures of the look on Facebook or Twitter, or maybe even on here, tomorrow. Like I said before, I am completely thrilled with this gift and couldn’t possibly feel more grateful for it. It was really an amazing gesture from my friend Kelly and I couldn’t even begin to explain how much it meant to receive this gift for my birthday this year, when I was feeling so bad about my birthday.
So, I baked up a couple of those Tombstone pizzas for dinner tonight and sat down with my Mom to watch “Big Brother” and eat. After that, we watched yesterday’s episode of “The View,” which featured two women who I found really inspiring. These two women were on opposite ends of the age spectrum but I really found myself incredibly inspired by both of them. The first woman was 18-year old singer/actress, and now fashion designer, Selena Gomez. I just feel like she is such a great example for young girls nowadays because, unlike many of her contemporaries, she has remained nothing less than classy in every move she has made in her career. Plus, she has just launched a clothing line called Dream Out Loud, which is exclusive to K-Mart and features extremely affordable, and extremely adorable, items of clothing that are not only fashionable but also completely appropriate for girls ranging from their teens to their twenties. I just feel like she is, like another favorite artist of mine, Taylor Swift, doing everything right. She has managed to become a huge star and yet remain accessible and relatable to fans of all ages. I adore her. The second woman who inspired me so greatly this evening was 89-year old singer/dancer/actress/living legend, Carl Channing. Carol was on “The View” yesterday to promote a new album she has recorded but, even more, was there to discuss a great passion of hers – her charity work in trying to save the arts programs in public schools across the country. This is a cause that is very near to my heart, as well. Unfortunately, I didn’t take advantage of the arts programs that were available in my school days and I really do feel like I really wasted a lot of my school years because of it. I mean, I was a complete fuck up in school but part of me really thinks that things would have gone very differently for me in school had I actually gotten involved in arts programs. I also am a very firm believer in the importance of cultivating artists in their formative years, like middle school and high school. It is hard to imagine a world where the arts have died out and, particularly in this fame-obsessed world, I think it is really important to help kids develop the skills necessary to move forward in a life that they will feel happy with and passionate about. I also believe that had I been involved in the arts programs when I was in school the natural talents that I have would have been honed much better and I would be in a better position now to be pursuing my destiny. I just feel like school-aged kids should have the option to take part in these things, and that will simply not be the case if these programs are removed from schools. It is a very important issue, as far as I am concerned, and I am really glad to see public figures like Carol Channing and Barry Manilow, (who has been a very outspoken supporter of keeping the arts in schools over the years,) speaking out about the topic and doing what they are able to do to help. It is inspiring and makes me really wonder what I could possibly do to help out in the position that I am in now.
Anyway, it is now 11:15pm, and this blog has wound up much longer than intended, so I should be getting to bed. Oh… I forgot to follow up on something mentioned earlier in this post, though – I had mentioned earlier that I ordered the Stila Pro Artist Palette on Ulta’s website last night. What I failed to mention, though, was the fact that while I was at work today I received an email advising me that the order had been cancelled because the item I had selected was no long available or out of stock or something like that. So, I said, “fuck it,” and have decided that I will be going down to the Ulta store this weekend. There is a different palette from Stila, The Backstage Palette, which just came out, that I actually like a lot better. It is $28, instead of the $19.99 that the other one was, but if I go pick it up in the store I won’t have to factor in shipping and it will still manage to be covered by my gift card. So, I will likely wind up doing that this weekend. I will just have to make sure not to wander around the store too much and just run grab exactly what I need. Anyway, it is late and I need to go to bed. Goodnight.
My alarm clock and my phone are about five minutes apart for some reason so when the first one went off I turned it off and laid my head back down. Next thing I knew, it was 7:03am. This is an entire hour later than I usually get up in order to be to work by 8:30am, but now I had to be to work by 8am. I kind of flipped out. So, I did things a little differently than I normally would this morning. In general, when I first wake up I do my morning skincare routine and brush my teeth, then I have coffee, cigarettes and breakfast before heading back into the bathroom to get dressed and do hair and makeup. Because of the time restraints, I switched it up a bit today. I did a bit of prioritizing and decided that, as fucked up as it may sound, I would rather go to work hungry than go to work without makeup. So, as soon as I got out of bed, I grabbed my clothes for the day, went into the bathroom and did my normal skincare routine and brushed my teeth, then immediately got dressed and did my hair and makeup. I really rushed through it this morning, doing my go-to makeup look when I am in a rush, the single shadow Taylor Momsen-inspired look using Gilded Fierce from Christian Siriano for VS Makeup. It is a gorgeous black shadow with lots of gold glitter in it. I also lined my eyes with my Urban Decay Heavy Metal Glitter Liner, in Midnight Cowboy, which is a gorgeous gold glitter color. It was REALLY much more of an evening look but I liked it, anyway. Plus, like I said, it is my quickest, easiest makeup look and I was in a rush. Fortunately, I finished with all of this by 7:35am, so I had time to eat a bowl of cereal and smoke a cigarette or two before it was time to leave for work. I still hadn’t had any caffeine, so I filled my workplace approved spill-proof cup with coffee and rushed out the door.
When I arrived at work, I was seriously out of it. I gulped down my coffee as quickly as I could stand, with some sort of hopes that drinking it faster would cause the caffeine to kick in immediately. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out very well and I basically wound up feeling exhausted all day long. It was kind of interesting because it seemed like everybody at work was in that same place today. It seemed like everybody I talked to had a rough night last night in one way or another and was feeling the effects of it today. It was one of those days that I really had to push myself through. I spent most of the day being quiet and just reading the current book in the Gossip Girl series that I am reading – “Because I’m Worth It.” It is the first of the series that I hadn’t read before. I like it a lot. It is crazy how different the show is from the book series. The characters are completely different and things that wound up being long-term storylines on the show are barely even blips on the radar in the books. The best example of this is the character Chuck Bass, who is one of the main characters on the TV show and one of the series’ biggest draws. In the books, Chuck Bass is a completely one-sided character, nothing more than a complete sleaze ball, and he is very rarely featured in the books. I just think it’s really interesting, the differences between the book and the television series. Fortunately, there was no real drama to speak of at work today, although everybody did seem pretty annoyed with everybody else. Like I said before, though, nobody seemed overly annoyed with me so I don’t really care.
I got a text from my Mom pretty early in the day telling me that the package that was waiting for me at the office from UPS yesterday, the surprising and wonderful gift from my surprising and wonderful friend, Kelly, was from Urban Decay. I felt a little flash of concern and guilt over hearing this because I knew that, whatever it was, if it came from Urban Decay it probably cost her a pretty penny. I am still slightly conflicted on this matter, honestly. I mean, I know that she wouldn’t have bought it and sent it to me if she couldn’t afford it or didn’t actually want to but I still can’t help but feel bad. Still, when I got home and opened the package, I was absolutely thrilled with what I got! It was the brand-spanking new Urban Decay Vegan palette, which they created to celebrate the 30th anniversary of PETA, which is pretty cool. Urban Decay have long prided themselves on being a company that has never done animal testing, and they offer a pretty wide variety of vegan products, (although I’m not entirely sure what makes one eye shadow any more vegan than the rest of them.) So, this palette includes six of Urban Decays vegan eye shadows, including some really gorgeous colors that I am already coming up with all kinds of ideas for using! Actually, as soon as I opened up the palette and got a look at all of the included colors, I immediately came up with the look that I am going to do tomorrow. I won’t spoil it here but I’m pretty sure you can count on seeing pictures of the look on Facebook or Twitter, or maybe even on here, tomorrow. Like I said before, I am completely thrilled with this gift and couldn’t possibly feel more grateful for it. It was really an amazing gesture from my friend Kelly and I couldn’t even begin to explain how much it meant to receive this gift for my birthday this year, when I was feeling so bad about my birthday.
So, I baked up a couple of those Tombstone pizzas for dinner tonight and sat down with my Mom to watch “Big Brother” and eat. After that, we watched yesterday’s episode of “The View,” which featured two women who I found really inspiring. These two women were on opposite ends of the age spectrum but I really found myself incredibly inspired by both of them. The first woman was 18-year old singer/actress, and now fashion designer, Selena Gomez. I just feel like she is such a great example for young girls nowadays because, unlike many of her contemporaries, she has remained nothing less than classy in every move she has made in her career. Plus, she has just launched a clothing line called Dream Out Loud, which is exclusive to K-Mart and features extremely affordable, and extremely adorable, items of clothing that are not only fashionable but also completely appropriate for girls ranging from their teens to their twenties. I just feel like she is, like another favorite artist of mine, Taylor Swift, doing everything right. She has managed to become a huge star and yet remain accessible and relatable to fans of all ages. I adore her. The second woman who inspired me so greatly this evening was 89-year old singer/dancer/actress/living legend, Carl Channing. Carol was on “The View” yesterday to promote a new album she has recorded but, even more, was there to discuss a great passion of hers – her charity work in trying to save the arts programs in public schools across the country. This is a cause that is very near to my heart, as well. Unfortunately, I didn’t take advantage of the arts programs that were available in my school days and I really do feel like I really wasted a lot of my school years because of it. I mean, I was a complete fuck up in school but part of me really thinks that things would have gone very differently for me in school had I actually gotten involved in arts programs. I also am a very firm believer in the importance of cultivating artists in their formative years, like middle school and high school. It is hard to imagine a world where the arts have died out and, particularly in this fame-obsessed world, I think it is really important to help kids develop the skills necessary to move forward in a life that they will feel happy with and passionate about. I also believe that had I been involved in the arts programs when I was in school the natural talents that I have would have been honed much better and I would be in a better position now to be pursuing my destiny. I just feel like school-aged kids should have the option to take part in these things, and that will simply not be the case if these programs are removed from schools. It is a very important issue, as far as I am concerned, and I am really glad to see public figures like Carol Channing and Barry Manilow, (who has been a very outspoken supporter of keeping the arts in schools over the years,) speaking out about the topic and doing what they are able to do to help. It is inspiring and makes me really wonder what I could possibly do to help out in the position that I am in now.
Anyway, it is now 11:15pm, and this blog has wound up much longer than intended, so I should be getting to bed. Oh… I forgot to follow up on something mentioned earlier in this post, though – I had mentioned earlier that I ordered the Stila Pro Artist Palette on Ulta’s website last night. What I failed to mention, though, was the fact that while I was at work today I received an email advising me that the order had been cancelled because the item I had selected was no long available or out of stock or something like that. So, I said, “fuck it,” and have decided that I will be going down to the Ulta store this weekend. There is a different palette from Stila, The Backstage Palette, which just came out, that I actually like a lot better. It is $28, instead of the $19.99 that the other one was, but if I go pick it up in the store I won’t have to factor in shipping and it will still manage to be covered by my gift card. So, I will likely wind up doing that this weekend. I will just have to make sure not to wander around the store too much and just run grab exactly what I need. Anyway, it is late and I need to go to bed. Goodnight.
Wednesday, July 21
Chapter 258: I’m Still Good
Today was the big return to my normal, day-to-day life. You know, the one that includes the regular every day and every week things, like work and piano lessons and things of that nature. I woke up when my alarm went off at 6am, got up and did my morning skincare routine and brushed my teeth and such, made myself some coffee and smoked a cigarette, had a bowl of Honey Bunches Of Oats and all the normal things I do in the morning. This morning was a little odd, though, because I found out yesterday from my sister that we are getting our hours back at work and that I had a few different options on how to take my hours back. Of course, one option was to go back to how my schedule was before – five days a week, 9:30-6pm. This was the least desirable option to me. The other option was to stick with my current schedule and just come in 30 minutes earlier each day. I would still be missing two hours that way but I would also still get to keep my extra day off. So, I told my sister that this was the option I wanted to go with, which meant that this morning I had to manage to get myself ready in time to be to work by 8am. It was only slightly different, honestly. I just had to make sure that I started and finished hair and makeup about 20 minutes earlier than I normally would. No big issue. Plus, I actually like doing 8am-6pm better because adding that extra half hour to my shift means that I get an extra break, which makes the day flow much better than it did before. So, it is a pretty even trade.
Work started out kind of fun today. I spent the first little while discussing the illuminati with a girl from the account that sits right next to us, which is always a topic that I am fascinated with. Once the two girls who sit beside me came in at their regular time of 8:30am we all sat around chatting and joking and laughing and such. It made the morning pretty fun, honestly, and I was actually enjoying myself. Plus, those first couple hours passed pretty quickly. Unfortunately, when I went to my first break everything was fine and dandy but when I came back I had apparently missed some big drama on the floor and there was a pretty thick air of tension in the air. I still don’t know exactly what happened but I figure that since I wasn’t involved and didn’t witness anything, it shouldn’t create any issues for me. So, I am making it a point not to get involved. I also found out that our new employees will be showing up next week and that, as I have been hoping and lobbying for, there will be boys in it! It’s not as if I intend to try to scrape up a boyfriend or anything from our new training class but it would be nice to have some boys around. If nothing else, it will give me something to look at throughout the day. Either way, I think that adding new people into the environment may help to alleviate some of the drama on the floor – if nothing else, it may create a buffer zone between all the people who don’t get along. So, I am looking forward to that… mainly for the boys. Of course, this also means that we will have a week while those new employees are training where our supervisor is off the floor doing that training. Everybody is already anticipating that there will be drama during that time. What else is new, though? Like I said, as long as I am not involved I don’t care. I just don’t know how much longer I can avoid becoming involved. Of course, as long as I keep my composure and avoid doing anything that could potentially get me in trouble, I don’t have anything to worry about. So, basically, all I can really say is, “fuck it.”
After work today, I had my piano lesson. It was a little strange because I had just been there the day before yesterday, so I wasn’t really expecting much progress or anything like that. I don’t think Viktor, my piano instructor, was really expecting much, either. Surprisingly, though, he did see some progress. He seemed pretty impressed with my work today, although I felt a little silly because I was playing the piece at tempo now but not without repeated screw-ups. Still, he was impressed with the fact that I was doing it at tempo at this point, since I wasn’t on Monday. I mean, I practiced a good amount yesterday but I didn’t expect that. I just kind of walked in and did it – which was, I suppose, a really good thing. I’m pretty impressed with myself, honestly. He wants me to keep working on this piece over the next week and try to perfect it. Then, next week, he is going to give me a new piece to work on – a classical piece. I’m not overly excited about that, if I’m being honest. I mean, I am excited to start work on a new piece but I am not all that excited that we are moving into classical music at this point. I’m just not a fan of classical music, although I guess I do see the value in learning some of it. It is definitely a stepping-stone to learning to play piano. After all, it is kind of the cornerstone of the craft or what started it all. So, I guess I am kind of excited for it.
After my lesson, Viktor drove me home, which is always very nice of him to do. I was kind of expecting to find a package at my doorstep. You see, my dear friend on Facebook, Kelly, actually ordered a birthday present for me, which was amazing of her to do and not at all expected. Apparently, it arrived today. Unfortunately, it wasn’t waiting at my door when I got home. I checked the UPS tracking site and found that it was left at the office – the office that closes at 6pm. I got home around 7:30pm, so I don’t get to find out what this gift is until tomorrow. I am pretty excited to see what she came up with for me, though. She has really been one of the most kind, observant and caring people in my life over the past little while, especially with all of my birthday dramatics, so I really appreciate her. I’ve kind of gotten to a point where I am not concerning myself with other people so much, aside from a select few, so it is nice to see that there are at least a few people left out there who are willing to concern themselves with me. So, I am going to have my Mom go get the package from the office when it opens in the morning, because it isn’t open before I go to work, and it will be here waiting for me when I get home. I’m pretty excited. As shitty as it may sound to say, I LOVE getting gifts. So, I am excited. Speaking of birthday gifts, I am still struggling with the Ulta gift card my Mom gave me for my birthday. I mean, not really struggling but having a little trouble deciding what to do with it. I can’t decide if I should use it online now or if I should save it for this weekend and actually go to the store and shop. The only reason I wouldn’t want to go use it at the store is that I think looking all the stuff in the face, I would be more prone to want to spend more than the gift card amount. I can’t really do that this weekend because I basically missed two days of work last week, which will be on this weekend’s paycheck, and I can’t really afford to spend anything extra. So, if I just go ahead and use the gift card online it will be easier not to spend more than the gift card amount but still get new stuff.
Writing it out now, it seems clear that I should just go ahead and use the thing online now. It just makes more sense. So, I think I may go do that right now. Before I do, though, I should probably finish off the day. There’s really not much else to it. My Mom got off work at 8pm and we went down to Taco Bell to pick up something for dinner, (I had a strange craving for it for some reason,) came home and watched “Big Brother,” and “Kathy Griffin’s My Life On The D List,” then I came into the bedroom to listen to Disney Channel soundtracks, (“Hannah Montana Forever,” and the new “Jonas LA” soundtrack, both of which I am kind of in love with for their fun, summer themes!) So, that is about it. It was a pretty decent day. In spite of the fact that my vacation time is done for the year and I am back to the daily grind, like the Hannah Montana song says, “I’m still good.” Now, I am off to shop online. Goodnight.
Work started out kind of fun today. I spent the first little while discussing the illuminati with a girl from the account that sits right next to us, which is always a topic that I am fascinated with. Once the two girls who sit beside me came in at their regular time of 8:30am we all sat around chatting and joking and laughing and such. It made the morning pretty fun, honestly, and I was actually enjoying myself. Plus, those first couple hours passed pretty quickly. Unfortunately, when I went to my first break everything was fine and dandy but when I came back I had apparently missed some big drama on the floor and there was a pretty thick air of tension in the air. I still don’t know exactly what happened but I figure that since I wasn’t involved and didn’t witness anything, it shouldn’t create any issues for me. So, I am making it a point not to get involved. I also found out that our new employees will be showing up next week and that, as I have been hoping and lobbying for, there will be boys in it! It’s not as if I intend to try to scrape up a boyfriend or anything from our new training class but it would be nice to have some boys around. If nothing else, it will give me something to look at throughout the day. Either way, I think that adding new people into the environment may help to alleviate some of the drama on the floor – if nothing else, it may create a buffer zone between all the people who don’t get along. So, I am looking forward to that… mainly for the boys. Of course, this also means that we will have a week while those new employees are training where our supervisor is off the floor doing that training. Everybody is already anticipating that there will be drama during that time. What else is new, though? Like I said, as long as I am not involved I don’t care. I just don’t know how much longer I can avoid becoming involved. Of course, as long as I keep my composure and avoid doing anything that could potentially get me in trouble, I don’t have anything to worry about. So, basically, all I can really say is, “fuck it.”
After work today, I had my piano lesson. It was a little strange because I had just been there the day before yesterday, so I wasn’t really expecting much progress or anything like that. I don’t think Viktor, my piano instructor, was really expecting much, either. Surprisingly, though, he did see some progress. He seemed pretty impressed with my work today, although I felt a little silly because I was playing the piece at tempo now but not without repeated screw-ups. Still, he was impressed with the fact that I was doing it at tempo at this point, since I wasn’t on Monday. I mean, I practiced a good amount yesterday but I didn’t expect that. I just kind of walked in and did it – which was, I suppose, a really good thing. I’m pretty impressed with myself, honestly. He wants me to keep working on this piece over the next week and try to perfect it. Then, next week, he is going to give me a new piece to work on – a classical piece. I’m not overly excited about that, if I’m being honest. I mean, I am excited to start work on a new piece but I am not all that excited that we are moving into classical music at this point. I’m just not a fan of classical music, although I guess I do see the value in learning some of it. It is definitely a stepping-stone to learning to play piano. After all, it is kind of the cornerstone of the craft or what started it all. So, I guess I am kind of excited for it.
After my lesson, Viktor drove me home, which is always very nice of him to do. I was kind of expecting to find a package at my doorstep. You see, my dear friend on Facebook, Kelly, actually ordered a birthday present for me, which was amazing of her to do and not at all expected. Apparently, it arrived today. Unfortunately, it wasn’t waiting at my door when I got home. I checked the UPS tracking site and found that it was left at the office – the office that closes at 6pm. I got home around 7:30pm, so I don’t get to find out what this gift is until tomorrow. I am pretty excited to see what she came up with for me, though. She has really been one of the most kind, observant and caring people in my life over the past little while, especially with all of my birthday dramatics, so I really appreciate her. I’ve kind of gotten to a point where I am not concerning myself with other people so much, aside from a select few, so it is nice to see that there are at least a few people left out there who are willing to concern themselves with me. So, I am going to have my Mom go get the package from the office when it opens in the morning, because it isn’t open before I go to work, and it will be here waiting for me when I get home. I’m pretty excited. As shitty as it may sound to say, I LOVE getting gifts. So, I am excited. Speaking of birthday gifts, I am still struggling with the Ulta gift card my Mom gave me for my birthday. I mean, not really struggling but having a little trouble deciding what to do with it. I can’t decide if I should use it online now or if I should save it for this weekend and actually go to the store and shop. The only reason I wouldn’t want to go use it at the store is that I think looking all the stuff in the face, I would be more prone to want to spend more than the gift card amount. I can’t really do that this weekend because I basically missed two days of work last week, which will be on this weekend’s paycheck, and I can’t really afford to spend anything extra. So, if I just go ahead and use the gift card online it will be easier not to spend more than the gift card amount but still get new stuff.
Writing it out now, it seems clear that I should just go ahead and use the thing online now. It just makes more sense. So, I think I may go do that right now. Before I do, though, I should probably finish off the day. There’s really not much else to it. My Mom got off work at 8pm and we went down to Taco Bell to pick up something for dinner, (I had a strange craving for it for some reason,) came home and watched “Big Brother,” and “Kathy Griffin’s My Life On The D List,” then I came into the bedroom to listen to Disney Channel soundtracks, (“Hannah Montana Forever,” and the new “Jonas LA” soundtrack, both of which I am kind of in love with for their fun, summer themes!) So, that is about it. It was a pretty decent day. In spite of the fact that my vacation time is done for the year and I am back to the daily grind, like the Hannah Montana song says, “I’m still good.” Now, I am off to shop online. Goodnight.
Tuesday, July 20
Chapter 257: The Child Is Gone
Okay, so it is the day after my birthday today and I have been able to take a little time to detach myself from the whole thing a bit, emotionally, and have come to realize that I was probably being a bit melodramatic about the whole thing. As I mentioned in last night's blog, my birthday weekend and the circumstances surrounding it brought up a lot of old issues and emotions in me that I didn't necessarily realize were still affecting me so strongly. I do feel like, all in all, my birthday weekend was a complete disaster. It had some really nice moments, courtesy of a few different people, but overall the whole thing was pretty wrecked.
One word that I would use to describe the experience of my 27th birthday would be sobering. Another word I would use would be shitty but we are going to focus on the word sobering here. So, why sobering? Well, it kind of forced me to confront a couple different truths about myself that I have long been aware of but I don't think ever really took the time to comprehend the real weight and gravity of. You see, the main thing that this birthday weekend forced me to deal with is the fact that I am, by all standards, an adult now. Gone are the days of being the center of the world to people like my Mother. No more will people make the effort to cater to my whims or see to my emotional needs like they did before. No more will people stop what they are doing to pay attention to or focus on me just because I happen to be feeling alone or neglected or unloved. No more will I be babied. Basically, what this weekend made me realize more than anything else is that, from this point on, I am in this fight alone. I am expected to take care of myself and never again will I truly be able to depend on anybody else to do it for me. I am at an age where my general well-being, whether they admit it or not, is not genuinely their concern. It isn't anybody else's responsibility to keep me happy or healthy anymore. Anything that I may need or want out of life is up to me; SOLELY up to me. I can't genuinely expect anything out of anybody else at this point... & I'm okay.
Still, thinking about this epiphany I have now had, it does seem like a very large, heavy, unmanageable thing to cope with. I mean, I know that I can. I assume that most people do at some point in their lives. Still, I can't help but think about how life used to be. I have spent so many years not really relying on myself for anything. There was always somebody else who could take on the responsibilities of my life, be it my Mom, my sister, or my best friend, I just always had somebody around who WOULD cater to my whims and do everything they could to make sure that I was happy and taken care of. Looking at it from where I'm standing now I realize that I completely took that for granted. It really is a shame, because I long for that feeling now. Like I said before, though... Those days are over.
Like Fiona Apple said, "The child is gone..."
I knew this day would have to come eventually but that is really no consolation to me now. Still, despite my initial reaction, I'm okay with it all. It's better this way, actually. I have always kind of scoffed at that whole concept of people talking about how they wish they could be a kid again. I hate the very essence of childhood - naivete and innocence; more like ignorance to me. I hate the idea of childhood because it really all equates to being unaware. I don't want to be unaware or naive or lacking in experience. That is not what life is about. Life, to me, is about one thing and one thing only - moving forward. THAT, more than anything else, is what this weekend has really been for me - one giant step forward, and on to the next plane of existence. It makes perfect sense to me now, the whole thing. My life is all about transcendence and, frankly, you simply cannot transcend when you tie yourself down to things in your life. Don't get me wrong, please. Nobody is being cut out of my life or anything along those lines. I have simply come to recognize the fact that I don't have ties on anybody else in this world, and nobody else has ties on me. I am free to move about the craft that we call life.
...& that, my friends, is a beautiful thing. Goodnight.
One word that I would use to describe the experience of my 27th birthday would be sobering. Another word I would use would be shitty but we are going to focus on the word sobering here. So, why sobering? Well, it kind of forced me to confront a couple different truths about myself that I have long been aware of but I don't think ever really took the time to comprehend the real weight and gravity of. You see, the main thing that this birthday weekend forced me to deal with is the fact that I am, by all standards, an adult now. Gone are the days of being the center of the world to people like my Mother. No more will people make the effort to cater to my whims or see to my emotional needs like they did before. No more will people stop what they are doing to pay attention to or focus on me just because I happen to be feeling alone or neglected or unloved. No more will I be babied. Basically, what this weekend made me realize more than anything else is that, from this point on, I am in this fight alone. I am expected to take care of myself and never again will I truly be able to depend on anybody else to do it for me. I am at an age where my general well-being, whether they admit it or not, is not genuinely their concern. It isn't anybody else's responsibility to keep me happy or healthy anymore. Anything that I may need or want out of life is up to me; SOLELY up to me. I can't genuinely expect anything out of anybody else at this point... & I'm okay.
Still, thinking about this epiphany I have now had, it does seem like a very large, heavy, unmanageable thing to cope with. I mean, I know that I can. I assume that most people do at some point in their lives. Still, I can't help but think about how life used to be. I have spent so many years not really relying on myself for anything. There was always somebody else who could take on the responsibilities of my life, be it my Mom, my sister, or my best friend, I just always had somebody around who WOULD cater to my whims and do everything they could to make sure that I was happy and taken care of. Looking at it from where I'm standing now I realize that I completely took that for granted. It really is a shame, because I long for that feeling now. Like I said before, though... Those days are over.
Like Fiona Apple said, "The child is gone..."
I knew this day would have to come eventually but that is really no consolation to me now. Still, despite my initial reaction, I'm okay with it all. It's better this way, actually. I have always kind of scoffed at that whole concept of people talking about how they wish they could be a kid again. I hate the very essence of childhood - naivete and innocence; more like ignorance to me. I hate the idea of childhood because it really all equates to being unaware. I don't want to be unaware or naive or lacking in experience. That is not what life is about. Life, to me, is about one thing and one thing only - moving forward. THAT, more than anything else, is what this weekend has really been for me - one giant step forward, and on to the next plane of existence. It makes perfect sense to me now, the whole thing. My life is all about transcendence and, frankly, you simply cannot transcend when you tie yourself down to things in your life. Don't get me wrong, please. Nobody is being cut out of my life or anything along those lines. I have simply come to recognize the fact that I don't have ties on anybody else in this world, and nobody else has ties on me. I am free to move about the craft that we call life.
...& that, my friends, is a beautiful thing. Goodnight.
Chapter 256: New
I’m starting late tonight. I’m not really sure what to say about today. Today was my birthday. My age is one number higher than it was yesterday. One year in my life has ended and another has just begun. I didn’t really ring in this new year in any special way, like I had previously hoped to. In fact, I didn’t really do much of anything today. I woke up at noon. I wasted a couple of hours doing a whole lot of nothing. I spent another 45 minutes or so practicing piano. I practiced so long that I didn’t leave myself much time to get dressed and ready for my piano lesson today, and so I threw myself together too quickly, got moisturizer in my eye, and headed out for my piano lesson. Today’s lesson was really good. In fact, it was by far the highlight of my day. I got there five minutes late, which turned out great because Viktor set me up in another room to practice for a while because he was still with his previous student. So, I sat in this other room by myself and practiced for about 30 more minutes, which was a good thing. When I got into my lesson with Viktor, everything went well. I told him how I had been sick last week and such, and he assumed that I hadn’t done any practicing, so it was nice to be able to prove him wrong when I started playing the piece. After my lesson, I came back home and sat in my bedroom wasting time for a few more hours. My Mom gave me an Ulta gift card, which I really appreciated. I feel bad that I may not have shown how much I appreciated it, though. I have just been really upset with my Mom this weekend. We’ve barely spoken all weekend – on this, my birthday weekend. Anytime we did speak, she came across as extremely distracted and flippant and more concerned with what her boyfriend was doing. Even this evening, when we were supposed to get together with my sister and her girlfriend to watch the new RuPaul show, she and her boyfriend went into the other room and that was the end of it. The whole thing just really pisses me off. Even more, though, it just really disappoints me. It has created a considerably more negative impression of my Mom in my mind. There was a time in the past when my Mom was faced with a decision that involved me and she, no matter what anybody else, including her, has to say, absolutely made the wrong one. It was one of the most ridiculously painful experiences I have ever had in my life. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of complete worthlessness and rejection that it caused in me. After this weekend, in spite of what I may have thought before, I can’t help but feel like if it came down to it, she would do the same thing again. It sickens me. It sickens me down to my very core. I can’t even imagine it. This has really been the main feeling and focus of my birthday this year. So, you can see why I haven’t exactly been pleased with the whole thing. I have talked a lot in the blog over the past week or so about feelings of being alone and neglected and isolated. I have kind of come to realize that it isn’t that I feel this from everybody in my life, like I initially thought, but that I feel it from my mother. I hate this feeling more than anything else in this world. There was some good that came out of today, though. I got to talk to a few different people who I hadn’t really been able to connect with in a while. I got to make plans with one of my dearest friends here, who I was kind of beginning to worry about in some ways, and I got to hang out with my sister and her girlfriend for a while. Plus, I had a really good piano lesson. I didn’t really get much, in the way of gifts, this year but that isn’t really what it’s about, is it? I am fine without gifts as long as I get to spend time and celebrate with the people I love and care about the most. Oh yeah, I didn’t get to do that much, either. It doesn’t really matter, though. Today was a shitty day, like so many others before it. In the grand scheme of things, my 27th birthday won’t mean shit to me when I look back on it years from now. There are things I will remember from it, like the kindness I have received from people close to me, and people not so close to me. The pain of this day, on the other hand, will be better best forgotten. Everything is going to be alright. After all, this marks a new year in my life and, somehow, I am going to make sure that it is better than the last. I don’t know how I will do it, exactly, but I will. I have decided that I am going to start working out again tomorrow, after having taken about a month and a half off from it, which I think will make a marked improvement on my psyche. I am also going to do everything I can to continue pursuing my artistic endeavors moving forward. I remember a time, late last year or earlier this year, when I was really making it a point to live my life primarily in the artist mindset and much less in the “person” mindset. I don’t recall exactly where I dropped the ball on that but I fully intend to pick that ball back up and move forward with it. No more wasting my time concerning myself with relationships and other people’s dramas. Now, more than ever before, is the time for art. I have to make something of my life. After all, I’m not getting any younger here. For now, though, I need to end this dreaded day so I can wake up tomorrow to a brand new year of my life, and to a brand new me. Goodnight.
Monday, July 19
Chapter 255: Like The Movies
As was surely made obvious in last night’s blog, I did quite a bit of drinking last night. It honestly wasn’t THAT much but it was enough to leave me feeling pretty fucked up when I woke up today. I drank a very large margarita last night, and my body never responds well to tequila. I also had two Long Island iced teas and three mimosas. So, like I said, I woke up feeling a fucking wreck this morning. So much so, in fact, that I didn’t wake up at all this morning – it was 2:30pm before I got out of bed. Actually, that’s not an entirely accurate statement, either. It was 2:30pm when I woke up but I pretty well stayed in bed all day long today. I knew as soon as I woke up that it was that kind of day. So, in order to make use of my time in bed, I decided to make it a movie day. I know what you’re thinking – how in the world is watching movies all day making use of my time? Well, I consider any time spent taking in some form of art to be somewhat productive time. Okay, maybe not productive but time well spent, anyway. So, I watched a LOT of movies since the last blog. Let’s discuss.
First of all, after last night’s blog, I couldn’t fall asleep any time soon, so I decided to pull up a movie on Netflix and keep myself entertained for a bit. I dug around a bit on the Netflix site looking for something that would suit my mood – not too serious but not an actual comedy, either. I came upon this movie I had heard of before but forgotten all about, called “Tennessee.” I didn’t have high expectations for “Tennessee,” mainly because of one of it’s stars – Mariah Carey. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of Mariah’s and think that her skill as an actress may have been undermined by the fact that her first major film was a complete disaster known as “Glitter.” Still, I had seen this other movie she was in, called “Wisegals,” which co-starred Mira Sorvino, which I was actually really impressed with. She was also really good in her few scenes in the movie “Precious.” Then, of course, there was “Glitter.” “Glitter” is one of those movies I love to fast-forward through. I have watched it all the way through several times but most times I have bothered to watch it, I have fast-forwarded to the scenes where she sings. Still, I love the idea of “Glitter,” because it seems like they were really trying to do a modern-day version of some of those classic musicals, like “Funny Girl.” I really do believe that this type of movie could really use a resurrection and would be a really great thing to place in a modern setting, (which is one of many reasons I am so excited for Christina Aguilera’s upcoming film debut, “Burlesque,” as it appears to be that same type of story.) Anyway, “Tennessee” is the story of two brothers living in New Mexico after having fled their abusive father in their hometown in Tennessee. Now, several years later, the younger of the two brothers is suffering from leukemia and their last hope of getting him a bone marrow transplant is returning to Tennessee in hopes of finding their father. So, they decide to make the journey from New Mexico to Tennessee but are quickly halted when their car breaks down outside a small diner somewhere in Texas. At this diner, they meet a waitress/aspiring singer, portrayed by Mariah Carey, who is simply unhappy and unfulfilled in her life and marriage there in Texas. So, with a little convincing they get her to continue on the journey with them. It was considerably better than I expected. I actually really liked it. It was a little slow to start and didn’t really get exciting until Mariah’s character showed up but once it got going, it was really good. Plus, Mariah Carey sang a really pretty song in the movie! I don’t know how much I recommend seeing this movie – it is definitely flawed but I enjoyed it. So, you might enjoy it, as well.
When I woke up this afternoon, for one reason or another, I had this really strong desire to watch that old documentary by journalist Nick Broomfield, “Kurt & Courtney.” I had seen this film once years ago but couldn’t really remember much about it, beyond the fact that it painted Courtney Love in a very negative light. So, I decided to watch it again this afternoon. It is definitely a fascinating documentary and I like the fact that it simply presents information to you and lets you make your own decisions about what you think really happened, as opposed to shoving the opinions of the filmmakers on the viewer. The whole premise is that this journalist is trying to figure out what exactly happened surrounding Kurt Cobain’s death and whether or not it was actually a suicide. I have always felt, and still do after viewing this film again today, that it was actually a suicide. I don’t believe that Courtney was involved in Kurt’s death in any direct way. Sure, I think dealing with her was probably a big contributing factor to it, but I don’t believe he was murdered and I don’t believe Courtney was involved in any way. If nothing else, none of the sources who were supporting the idea that Courtney was involved seemed reliable at all. They were all a bunch of strung out white trash who often seemed to be under the influence while appearing in the film. Even Courtney’s father, who has written a couple of books about why he thinks Courtney killed Kurt, really comes across as simply an old man holding a grudge against his own daughter. Still, this film gives you a lot to think about. I definitely recommend seeing this film to anybody who is a big fan of Nirvana or Hole. Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t have a huge amount of interest.
Next up, I watched one of the best indie films I have seen in a long time, aside from “Timer,” which is still the best thing I have seen in ages, called “Good Dick.” This, much like “Timer,” really goes to show you that there are original concepts out there still. I don’t understand why Hollywood doesn’t embrace this type of film more often. “Good Dick” was written, directed and produced by, and stars, Marianna Palka. It was also co-produced and co-stars the gorgeous and talented son of the late John Ritter, Jason Ritter. Jason Ritter is one of my favorite actors, which was the initial lure to this film, (although the title definitely caught my eye, as well.) “Good Dick” is the story of a young woman who is essentially a hermit, only venturing out of her apartment to visit her local video store to rent softcore porn. One of the employees at the video store, Jason Ritter, becomes slightly infatuated with her and slowly weaves his way into her home and her life, and they begin a very offbeat, tumultuous relationship in which they don’t ever have sex. The thing that fascinated me the most about this film is the fact that it explores a little-known phenomena called Sexual Anorexia. I read a book about this a while back, where people deny themselves sexual pleasure, or sexual involvement with others, (as is the case with this film, because the character masturbates but refuses to interact sexually with a partner.) This is most often spurred by some form of sexual assault, abuse, incest or molestation. This is clearly not something that I have suffered from myself but I find the topic fascinating and was very pleased to see a film about the topic. Aside from that, though, it is a very fun, offbeat and fascinating story. I highly recommend everybody check this one out. It was brilliantly put together and it is extremely impressive that it was pretty well all orchestrated by one random girl who’d never actually worked in the film industry before. VERY good stuff, indeed.
After “Good Dick,” I decided to watch a film that I just happened to stumble up on Netflix and really liked the concept of and the cast, which included Kathleen Robertson and, another of my favorite actors, Mark Ruffalo. This movie was called “XX/XY,” and it is the story of three college students who have a very strange sort of poly-amorous relationship in college, which quickly falls apart, as these things have a tendency to do. I only say it is sort of poly-amorous because it was never something that was clearly defined as all three people actually being in a relationship with each other, although that is really what it was, and that is what really winds up being the catalyst for the whole thing ending. The main focus of the film is 10 years after the fact when these three people all happen to reunite. They have all moved on into their own separate lives and relationships but suddenly being back with these people kind of puts them back into that place, and drama ensues as old feelings start coming back up in the midst of completely new and separate lives. I really loved this movie for the fact that it really takes a look at what the past really means to the present, and how sometimes the two shouldn’t really mix. This is what I took from it, anyway. It was definitely a great movie, though, and one I definitely recommend checking out.
The last film I watched today was probably my least favorite of the bunch, although it was definitely interesting. This was a movie called “Sex & Breakfast,” starring Macaulay Culkin, Eliza Dushku, Kuno Becker and Alexis Dziena as a pair of couples experiencing a bit of sexual dysfunction. It isn’t that anybody can’t get it up or anything like that but after years of being together these couples just aren’t finding the spark like they used to. So, upon recommendations from their separate friends, and parents in one case, the two couples decide to attend a seminar from a doctor who has stopped practicing and started providing a service where they pair up couples, etc., for group sex experiences in order to revitalize their individual sex lives. These two couples don’t happen to know each other or anything, and both have many apprehensions about going through with the whole thing. Inevitably, though, they do wind up going through with it and find themselves paired up with each other’s partners. Unfortunately, though, not every relationship can survive this type of thing. That is really the story that this film tells and I found it really fascinating to watch these couples go through the torment involved in experiencing that lack of sexual spark and having the whole relationship ruined, or near ruined, by trying to find ways to bring that back. It may be my least favorite of the group of films I watched today but it was still a pretty good one and I do recommend checking it out. On a slightly more critical note, though, it did feel like there was a lot of stuff included in the film that was wholly unnecessary and then when we got to the really interesting stuff they just kind of shot right through it. I mean, it still got it’s point across but it could definitely have made better use of it’s time.
So, yeah… I watched movies today. Tomorrow, (or, right now actually,) is my actual birthday and the plans are… well, not much. I have to go to my piano lesson tomorrow afternoon, which should be fun, and then tomorrow evening we are having my sister, her girlfriend and their family over to watch the premiere of the new RuPaul series and hang out. It should be fun. I am really glad I don’t have to go back to work for two more days, although it sucks that I won’t be able to request any more time off, at least not paid time off, for the rest of the year. Oh well, though… Those are the breaks. It is after 2am, though, and I’d really like to get to bed earlier than I did last night. Goodnight.
First of all, after last night’s blog, I couldn’t fall asleep any time soon, so I decided to pull up a movie on Netflix and keep myself entertained for a bit. I dug around a bit on the Netflix site looking for something that would suit my mood – not too serious but not an actual comedy, either. I came upon this movie I had heard of before but forgotten all about, called “Tennessee.” I didn’t have high expectations for “Tennessee,” mainly because of one of it’s stars – Mariah Carey. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of Mariah’s and think that her skill as an actress may have been undermined by the fact that her first major film was a complete disaster known as “Glitter.” Still, I had seen this other movie she was in, called “Wisegals,” which co-starred Mira Sorvino, which I was actually really impressed with. She was also really good in her few scenes in the movie “Precious.” Then, of course, there was “Glitter.” “Glitter” is one of those movies I love to fast-forward through. I have watched it all the way through several times but most times I have bothered to watch it, I have fast-forwarded to the scenes where she sings. Still, I love the idea of “Glitter,” because it seems like they were really trying to do a modern-day version of some of those classic musicals, like “Funny Girl.” I really do believe that this type of movie could really use a resurrection and would be a really great thing to place in a modern setting, (which is one of many reasons I am so excited for Christina Aguilera’s upcoming film debut, “Burlesque,” as it appears to be that same type of story.) Anyway, “Tennessee” is the story of two brothers living in New Mexico after having fled their abusive father in their hometown in Tennessee. Now, several years later, the younger of the two brothers is suffering from leukemia and their last hope of getting him a bone marrow transplant is returning to Tennessee in hopes of finding their father. So, they decide to make the journey from New Mexico to Tennessee but are quickly halted when their car breaks down outside a small diner somewhere in Texas. At this diner, they meet a waitress/aspiring singer, portrayed by Mariah Carey, who is simply unhappy and unfulfilled in her life and marriage there in Texas. So, with a little convincing they get her to continue on the journey with them. It was considerably better than I expected. I actually really liked it. It was a little slow to start and didn’t really get exciting until Mariah’s character showed up but once it got going, it was really good. Plus, Mariah Carey sang a really pretty song in the movie! I don’t know how much I recommend seeing this movie – it is definitely flawed but I enjoyed it. So, you might enjoy it, as well.
When I woke up this afternoon, for one reason or another, I had this really strong desire to watch that old documentary by journalist Nick Broomfield, “Kurt & Courtney.” I had seen this film once years ago but couldn’t really remember much about it, beyond the fact that it painted Courtney Love in a very negative light. So, I decided to watch it again this afternoon. It is definitely a fascinating documentary and I like the fact that it simply presents information to you and lets you make your own decisions about what you think really happened, as opposed to shoving the opinions of the filmmakers on the viewer. The whole premise is that this journalist is trying to figure out what exactly happened surrounding Kurt Cobain’s death and whether or not it was actually a suicide. I have always felt, and still do after viewing this film again today, that it was actually a suicide. I don’t believe that Courtney was involved in Kurt’s death in any direct way. Sure, I think dealing with her was probably a big contributing factor to it, but I don’t believe he was murdered and I don’t believe Courtney was involved in any way. If nothing else, none of the sources who were supporting the idea that Courtney was involved seemed reliable at all. They were all a bunch of strung out white trash who often seemed to be under the influence while appearing in the film. Even Courtney’s father, who has written a couple of books about why he thinks Courtney killed Kurt, really comes across as simply an old man holding a grudge against his own daughter. Still, this film gives you a lot to think about. I definitely recommend seeing this film to anybody who is a big fan of Nirvana or Hole. Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t have a huge amount of interest.
Next up, I watched one of the best indie films I have seen in a long time, aside from “Timer,” which is still the best thing I have seen in ages, called “Good Dick.” This, much like “Timer,” really goes to show you that there are original concepts out there still. I don’t understand why Hollywood doesn’t embrace this type of film more often. “Good Dick” was written, directed and produced by, and stars, Marianna Palka. It was also co-produced and co-stars the gorgeous and talented son of the late John Ritter, Jason Ritter. Jason Ritter is one of my favorite actors, which was the initial lure to this film, (although the title definitely caught my eye, as well.) “Good Dick” is the story of a young woman who is essentially a hermit, only venturing out of her apartment to visit her local video store to rent softcore porn. One of the employees at the video store, Jason Ritter, becomes slightly infatuated with her and slowly weaves his way into her home and her life, and they begin a very offbeat, tumultuous relationship in which they don’t ever have sex. The thing that fascinated me the most about this film is the fact that it explores a little-known phenomena called Sexual Anorexia. I read a book about this a while back, where people deny themselves sexual pleasure, or sexual involvement with others, (as is the case with this film, because the character masturbates but refuses to interact sexually with a partner.) This is most often spurred by some form of sexual assault, abuse, incest or molestation. This is clearly not something that I have suffered from myself but I find the topic fascinating and was very pleased to see a film about the topic. Aside from that, though, it is a very fun, offbeat and fascinating story. I highly recommend everybody check this one out. It was brilliantly put together and it is extremely impressive that it was pretty well all orchestrated by one random girl who’d never actually worked in the film industry before. VERY good stuff, indeed.
After “Good Dick,” I decided to watch a film that I just happened to stumble up on Netflix and really liked the concept of and the cast, which included Kathleen Robertson and, another of my favorite actors, Mark Ruffalo. This movie was called “XX/XY,” and it is the story of three college students who have a very strange sort of poly-amorous relationship in college, which quickly falls apart, as these things have a tendency to do. I only say it is sort of poly-amorous because it was never something that was clearly defined as all three people actually being in a relationship with each other, although that is really what it was, and that is what really winds up being the catalyst for the whole thing ending. The main focus of the film is 10 years after the fact when these three people all happen to reunite. They have all moved on into their own separate lives and relationships but suddenly being back with these people kind of puts them back into that place, and drama ensues as old feelings start coming back up in the midst of completely new and separate lives. I really loved this movie for the fact that it really takes a look at what the past really means to the present, and how sometimes the two shouldn’t really mix. This is what I took from it, anyway. It was definitely a great movie, though, and one I definitely recommend checking out.
The last film I watched today was probably my least favorite of the bunch, although it was definitely interesting. This was a movie called “Sex & Breakfast,” starring Macaulay Culkin, Eliza Dushku, Kuno Becker and Alexis Dziena as a pair of couples experiencing a bit of sexual dysfunction. It isn’t that anybody can’t get it up or anything like that but after years of being together these couples just aren’t finding the spark like they used to. So, upon recommendations from their separate friends, and parents in one case, the two couples decide to attend a seminar from a doctor who has stopped practicing and started providing a service where they pair up couples, etc., for group sex experiences in order to revitalize their individual sex lives. These two couples don’t happen to know each other or anything, and both have many apprehensions about going through with the whole thing. Inevitably, though, they do wind up going through with it and find themselves paired up with each other’s partners. Unfortunately, though, not every relationship can survive this type of thing. That is really the story that this film tells and I found it really fascinating to watch these couples go through the torment involved in experiencing that lack of sexual spark and having the whole relationship ruined, or near ruined, by trying to find ways to bring that back. It may be my least favorite of the group of films I watched today but it was still a pretty good one and I do recommend checking it out. On a slightly more critical note, though, it did feel like there was a lot of stuff included in the film that was wholly unnecessary and then when we got to the really interesting stuff they just kind of shot right through it. I mean, it still got it’s point across but it could definitely have made better use of it’s time.
So, yeah… I watched movies today. Tomorrow, (or, right now actually,) is my actual birthday and the plans are… well, not much. I have to go to my piano lesson tomorrow afternoon, which should be fun, and then tomorrow evening we are having my sister, her girlfriend and their family over to watch the premiere of the new RuPaul series and hang out. It should be fun. I am really glad I don’t have to go back to work for two more days, although it sucks that I won’t be able to request any more time off, at least not paid time off, for the rest of the year. Oh well, though… Those are the breaks. It is after 2am, though, and I’d really like to get to bed earlier than I did last night. Goodnight.
Sunday, July 18
Chapter 254: Drunk
Okay, I can’t really do this tonight. The blog is going to have to be skipped. Why is that? My focus is off. Why is that? Well, quite frankly… I be dranking. In one hand is a ghetto mimosa, made with the finest champagne known to man, Verdi. In the other hand is a seemingly continuous cigarette because I keep re-lighting them. These things, unfortunately, are not conducive to writing a blog for the evening. So, I’m not going to. I mean, not really. I will tell you this: today wound up a lot better than I expected it would. Well, that’s not entirely true. The morning sucked. The early afternoon was slightly better but the evening was pretty good. I had some dranks. My brother and sister-in-law did wind up coming up from Fort Meyers, and my sister and her girlfriend came out and we all just went out to dinner and, like I said, I had a few dranks. Then I came home and had some more dranks. Dranky dranky dranky. I think I’m gonna go watch a movie on Netflix until I pass out. It was a pretty decent day. I’m kinda sad Rachel couldn’t be there – she had car drama. Still, it was fun. I’m glad. We’re doing another little thing on Monday, my actual birthday, with just my sister and her girlfriend and her family. I mean we’re just getting together to watch the premiere of the new RuPaul show. It should be fun, though. I’m drunk. I need to go to sleep or something. Goodnight.
Friday, July 16
Chapter 253: It's My Party
It's Friday. It's the weekend. It's another, probably the last, four day weekend for me. I'm not entirely certain but I think I'm already regretting using my last vacation day for the year for my birthday. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to spend my birthday at work. It just seems like, at this point, it probably wasn't actually worth taking a day off for. Now, I want to make sure to warn you all up front: I AM ABOUT TO START WHINING ABOUT TEENAGE GIRL PROBLEMS. If you can't deal with that or find it annoying, please do not move forward at this point. For years my sister and most of my friends and pretty much anybody who knew me at the time said that I was like a teenage girl. I was constantly compared to or equated with a teenage girl. I didn't mind it all the time but it definitely didn't help with my lifelong struggles and insecurities about being taken seriously. Still, the teenage girl in me ran the show most of the time back in those days, so I suppose I can't really blame anybody for thinking of me that way. That is a much less frequent issue for me these days & I feel much more like I am taken seriously by the people around me. Still, every now and then, that teenage girl will come out to play. Then, some other days, that teenage girl will come out to bitch.
Today is one of those days.
I hate to be all Molly Ringwald about it but my birthday sucks. I hate it. It's really done nothing but stress me out, piss me off and make me sad this year. The whole thing with it is the fact that nobody really seems to give a shit about it. That's not entirely true - my dear friend Rachel seems really happy & excited about it - much more than I even am at this point. I am really grateful for her being there and reminding me that it IS something special. It seems that everybody else in my life is too focused on other things to really give a shit. For example, my Mom is using this weekend as an excuse to have her boyfriend over and do all the things she would normally do when her boyfriend is here, like go out and do whatever it is they do together while I sit at home alone. My brother, who was supposed to come up this weekend for my birthday, has decided to have a yard sale instead. I haven't really heard much out of most of my friends and what I have heard hasn't really been birthday-related, or even very me-related. My birthday party has basically dwindled down so far that it could very easily just wind up being me hanging out with Rachel & my sister. It could be any other night. I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking it, too.
Who the fuck cares?
Well, I do. I care. I probably care a lot more than I should. The thing you have to know is this: I am not bitching about my birthday at all right now. I mean, in literal terms, I am but it all runs a bit deeper than that. The things I have to complain about in reference to my birthday are actually all the same things I have to bitch about in reference to the rest of my life. I do feel like I've gotten to a point where very few people actually give a shit about me. It's not to say that I believe the people in my life don't care at all, they just don't care enough. I don't hear from most of my friends in general, not just right now. My Mom is more focused on her relationship with her boyfriend than any other facet of her life at this point and I do worry about being alone. I FEEL alone. It's a horrible feeling. I hate it. I just feel like everybody around me is in a place where their lists of priorities doesn't include maintaining a relationship with me. This is why I couldn't throw a big birthday party. This is why I don't really expect to see any gifts. This is why I've lost the will to care about the whole thing.
Also, aside from that, I am pretty much over my sickness from the past few days and it has left me feeling extremely exhausted. It is just after 10pm and I am seriously considering going to sleep already. I know it is early but I am exhausted. So, I should probably go off to bed & get ready for my lack of a birthday party tomorrow. Goodnight.
Today is one of those days.
I hate to be all Molly Ringwald about it but my birthday sucks. I hate it. It's really done nothing but stress me out, piss me off and make me sad this year. The whole thing with it is the fact that nobody really seems to give a shit about it. That's not entirely true - my dear friend Rachel seems really happy & excited about it - much more than I even am at this point. I am really grateful for her being there and reminding me that it IS something special. It seems that everybody else in my life is too focused on other things to really give a shit. For example, my Mom is using this weekend as an excuse to have her boyfriend over and do all the things she would normally do when her boyfriend is here, like go out and do whatever it is they do together while I sit at home alone. My brother, who was supposed to come up this weekend for my birthday, has decided to have a yard sale instead. I haven't really heard much out of most of my friends and what I have heard hasn't really been birthday-related, or even very me-related. My birthday party has basically dwindled down so far that it could very easily just wind up being me hanging out with Rachel & my sister. It could be any other night. I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking it, too.
Who the fuck cares?
Well, I do. I care. I probably care a lot more than I should. The thing you have to know is this: I am not bitching about my birthday at all right now. I mean, in literal terms, I am but it all runs a bit deeper than that. The things I have to complain about in reference to my birthday are actually all the same things I have to bitch about in reference to the rest of my life. I do feel like I've gotten to a point where very few people actually give a shit about me. It's not to say that I believe the people in my life don't care at all, they just don't care enough. I don't hear from most of my friends in general, not just right now. My Mom is more focused on her relationship with her boyfriend than any other facet of her life at this point and I do worry about being alone. I FEEL alone. It's a horrible feeling. I hate it. I just feel like everybody around me is in a place where their lists of priorities doesn't include maintaining a relationship with me. This is why I couldn't throw a big birthday party. This is why I don't really expect to see any gifts. This is why I've lost the will to care about the whole thing.
Also, aside from that, I am pretty much over my sickness from the past few days and it has left me feeling extremely exhausted. It is just after 10pm and I am seriously considering going to sleep already. I know it is early but I am exhausted. So, I should probably go off to bed & get ready for my lack of a birthday party tomorrow. Goodnight.
Thursday, July 15
Chapter 252: Never Gonna Give Up
It’s going to be a short one tonight. Like, this may be one of those single page Microsoft Word documents. The main reason for this is that absolutely nothing happened today. I woke up at 6am when my alarm went off. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom to do my morning skincare routine, brush my teeth and go to the bathroom. After that I had a cup of coffee and a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I smoked a couple of cigarettes. When I initially woke up I was having trouble getting a gage on how I was feeling but as the morning went on I started to realize that yesterday’s sickness had definitely not gone away. Still, I was determined to go to work today. I really couldn’t afford to miss an entire day and a half of work. So, I pushed myself forward and went into the bathroom to get dressed and do my hair and makeup for the day. I decided to try something a little different with my makeup today. With all of the drama surrounding her, I felt like I needed to do a little something to pay tribute to one of my favorite celebrities, Lindsay Lohan. You see, I have been a fan of Lindsay’s since I first saw her in the remake of “Freaky Friday,” and she has honestly been an indirect part of some very major things in my life. One example would be a major realization I came to about my self and my personality. One day I was just having one of those random conversations that you have in life with my dear old friend, Jen, about the fact that I really loved both Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff. This was back when they were both more prominently in the spotlight and were allegedly feuding. She said that I was a dichotomy in that sense. I had heard the word dichotomy before but I was never quite sure of what it meant, so I looked it up later and found out that it is defined as “the line between two opposing forces.” This inspired me immensely, and I wrote a song about it. This song, called “The Dichotomy,” is still one of my favorite things I have ever written because I feel like it is one of the most autobiographical things I have ever written and could really be an anthem for my life – like, if my life were a TV show, this song would be the theme. The reason for this is because I really came to realize after she made this statement that it didn’t just apply to my opinions on the Hilary/Lindsay debate but really could be applied to every part of my life. I stand on that line on every issue in my life. I can never form a completely solid opinion on things because I am always standing on the line between each side of it. I do everything I can to see both sides of every situation and not be judgmental or dismissive of any of the sides of the situation. I understand that this isn’t actually the technical definition of the word dichotomy but that word is what made me come to this realization about myself. Lindsay was also there with me for one of the most difficult experiences of my entire life, when I finally realized/admitted that I had an extremely unhealthy relationship with food and had honestly been struggling with an eating disorder for several years. This was a few years ago when her now infamous interview with Vanity Fair magazine came out, in which she (somewhat) admitted to having an eating disorder herself, as well as having experimented with drugs. While Lindsay and I didn’t exactly share the same struggles, she was always the celebrity type person that I could identify with the most. She was struggling and dealing with life in the same ways that I was at the time. I have since managed to improve my life immensely, although it is still far from perfect, but Lindsay does not seem to have made those same changes, unfortunately. Now, she is heading into jail for a 90-day sentence. As far as my opinion on this – I hope she can manage to make something positive out of this experience. To be specific, I hope she makes some music out of this experience. She is an immensely talented girl, as an actress and a musician, and it would be a shame to see these gifts go to waste.
So, in tribute to Lindsay, today I wore what has kind of become her signature look over the past few years, which is a nude eye with really thick, black liner. I also feel like I really got my face looking great this morning, with contouring and highlighting and such. Unfortunately, that great makeup was really wasted today because after about 90 minutes of work, it became clear that I wasn’t going to be able to make it through the day there and went home early. I feel really bad because I think I managed to piss off a couple of co-workers by leaving early again but I was visibly ill, in spite of good makeup. There was no way I was going to make it through the day. So, I called my Mom to come pick me up but didn’t get an answer from her. I sat in the atrium at work and waited to hear back from her. While I was sitting there, one of my co-workers came through the atrium going to break and shot me the most evil look possible. I already felt bad enough about leaving, and felt bad enough in general, so that seemed a little unnecessary. Plus, I really needed to take the time to come home and recover because there is no ifs, ands or buts about it – there is no way in hell I can miss tomorrow. We have somehow managed to become incredibly understaffed on Fridays and there is no way that I can miss that day. It just can’t happen. So, when I got home I took some Dayquil for my flu-like symptoms and an acid controller for my stomach issues and just sat down on the couch and didn’t move for a long time. I basically spent the day lying in front of the couch watching various “Behind The Scenes,” and “Looking Back” specials about “The Hills.” MTV has been airing these things non-stop for the past week and I had already seen all of them but it didn’t hurt to watch again. I also whipped out my DVDs of the show and watched some of my favorite episodes from season three. I pretty well wasted the entire day on watching things I had already seen before from “The Hills.” I am celebrating the end of an era, you know? Okay, maybe not… but it is the end of a show that I LOVED for a very long time. Around 6-6:30pm I fell asleep on the couch watching all this stuff and didn’t wake up until after 8pm. I was supposed to make dinner before my Mom got home but that clearly didn’t happen. I text messaged her and told her that and she was fine with it. She had to go to the grocery store, anyway, so she picked up some chicken from Winn Dixie and we had that for dinner. I watched “Big Brother,” which is my favorite reality competition show ever, and then watched the VH1 “Behind The Music” on Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez has always been a big inspiration to me, as well. One thing that has always really inspired me about her is the fact that she really seems to go at life with everything she has – whether it’s acting, music, designing or even love, she always seems to be giving it everything she has. I have often talked about how I have always believed that my life story isn’t one about romantic love, or that I don’t have a big, epic love story in me, because my life story is going to be one of passion and art and, most of all, music. Well, watching Jennifer Lopez over the years has really made me think that it wouldn’t be impossible to have both. Sure, she has kissed a lot of frogs but it seems to have paid off in the long run. The beautiful thing, I think, is the fact that she never gave up on trying to find it. She was in her late 30s before it actually happened for her with Marc Anthony. I’m only going to be 27 next week and I feel like, in a lot of ways, I have already given up on it. If nothing else, watching this Jennifer Lopez “Behind The Music” special really kind of reminded me that it will come eventually and that I should NEVER give up on trying to find it. It may take me until my late 30s, or even later, but it will happen for me eventually. In the meantime, my focus should remain on pursuing my major passions in life, like art and music. For now, though, my focus needs to be on going to bed. This blog wound up being longer than expected. I guess I had more to say than I thought. Anyway, I need to get my rest in order to go into work tomorrow and make it through the day. Goodnight.
So, in tribute to Lindsay, today I wore what has kind of become her signature look over the past few years, which is a nude eye with really thick, black liner. I also feel like I really got my face looking great this morning, with contouring and highlighting and such. Unfortunately, that great makeup was really wasted today because after about 90 minutes of work, it became clear that I wasn’t going to be able to make it through the day there and went home early. I feel really bad because I think I managed to piss off a couple of co-workers by leaving early again but I was visibly ill, in spite of good makeup. There was no way I was going to make it through the day. So, I called my Mom to come pick me up but didn’t get an answer from her. I sat in the atrium at work and waited to hear back from her. While I was sitting there, one of my co-workers came through the atrium going to break and shot me the most evil look possible. I already felt bad enough about leaving, and felt bad enough in general, so that seemed a little unnecessary. Plus, I really needed to take the time to come home and recover because there is no ifs, ands or buts about it – there is no way in hell I can miss tomorrow. We have somehow managed to become incredibly understaffed on Fridays and there is no way that I can miss that day. It just can’t happen. So, when I got home I took some Dayquil for my flu-like symptoms and an acid controller for my stomach issues and just sat down on the couch and didn’t move for a long time. I basically spent the day lying in front of the couch watching various “Behind The Scenes,” and “Looking Back” specials about “The Hills.” MTV has been airing these things non-stop for the past week and I had already seen all of them but it didn’t hurt to watch again. I also whipped out my DVDs of the show and watched some of my favorite episodes from season three. I pretty well wasted the entire day on watching things I had already seen before from “The Hills.” I am celebrating the end of an era, you know? Okay, maybe not… but it is the end of a show that I LOVED for a very long time. Around 6-6:30pm I fell asleep on the couch watching all this stuff and didn’t wake up until after 8pm. I was supposed to make dinner before my Mom got home but that clearly didn’t happen. I text messaged her and told her that and she was fine with it. She had to go to the grocery store, anyway, so she picked up some chicken from Winn Dixie and we had that for dinner. I watched “Big Brother,” which is my favorite reality competition show ever, and then watched the VH1 “Behind The Music” on Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez has always been a big inspiration to me, as well. One thing that has always really inspired me about her is the fact that she really seems to go at life with everything she has – whether it’s acting, music, designing or even love, she always seems to be giving it everything she has. I have often talked about how I have always believed that my life story isn’t one about romantic love, or that I don’t have a big, epic love story in me, because my life story is going to be one of passion and art and, most of all, music. Well, watching Jennifer Lopez over the years has really made me think that it wouldn’t be impossible to have both. Sure, she has kissed a lot of frogs but it seems to have paid off in the long run. The beautiful thing, I think, is the fact that she never gave up on trying to find it. She was in her late 30s before it actually happened for her with Marc Anthony. I’m only going to be 27 next week and I feel like, in a lot of ways, I have already given up on it. If nothing else, watching this Jennifer Lopez “Behind The Music” special really kind of reminded me that it will come eventually and that I should NEVER give up on trying to find it. It may take me until my late 30s, or even later, but it will happen for me eventually. In the meantime, my focus should remain on pursuing my major passions in life, like art and music. For now, though, my focus needs to be on going to bed. This blog wound up being longer than expected. I guess I had more to say than I thought. Anyway, I need to get my rest in order to go into work tomorrow and make it through the day. Goodnight.
Wednesday, July 14
Chapter 251: Too Young To Die
So, let me tell you about the night I had after I finished last night’s blog. I had taken a pill to help me fall asleep, around 10:30pm, and lied down on the couch to watch “The Hills Live Aftershow.” That ended at midnight, at which point I went into the bathroom to do my nightly skincare routine, which I know I should have done earlier in the evening since I knew I would be parked in front of the TV for a while. I finished with all that and was in bed by 12:20am. As I lay in bed, I found my breathing feeling strange. It was kind of the sensation that I get when I have been drinking and, in turn, smoking way too many cigarettes. It was this feeling where there was a sort of pain when I inhaled deeply. I also had this really strange feeling in my stomach – like heartburn, or indigestion maybe. I don’t know what all of those terms mean, honestly, but my stomach felt fucked up. I lied in bed trying to fall asleep until nearly 2am, when I decided to go lay on the couch and see if I could fall asleep there. It took a little time but I did wind up falling asleep there. Of course, aside from the fact that it had been less than four hours, when my alarm went off at 6am I still kind of felt like shit. On top of that, my body was feeling all out of sorts from having slept on the couch. Still, I knew it was Wednesday and it was back to business as usual. I ate some leftover Chinese food for breakfast and drank a cup of coffee. I spent 20-30 minutes practicing piano, then got dressed and did my hair and makeup for the day. By the time it was actually time to head to work I thought I might actually be feeling better. For the first little while that I was at work, I thought this may be the case, as well. Shortly after 10am, though, that awful feeling in my stomach was coming back and my breathing became strange again, and my whole body felt sore and exhausted. I sat through it for a while. I asked my sister about taking me to my piano lesson tonight, which she said she wasn’t sure about because she and her girlfriend had to go to some sort of special work dinner. When I went to work at 10:50am, I knew I wasn’t going to make it through the day. I text messaged my Mom and told her that I wasn’t feeling so hot and may need to go home later. I also called Viktor and cancelled tonight’s lesson. We rescheduled for Monday, which is a little weird because that means I have to go to a piano lesson on my birthday but I love my piano lessons, so I figure that will be a good way to spend 30 minutes of my birthday. When I got back upstairs after my break, I told my sister that I was feeling awful and that I would probably need to go home but said that I would hold out until 1:30pm because my Mom would have a break then and would be able to bring me home then. I felt really bad doing that because our team was understaffed today, anyway. Apparently, a few other people had made schedule requests for today or something, which sucks. Still, I wasn’t going to be able to get through the day there.
When I got home I lied down on the couch and fell asleep for about an hour. It was the strangest thing – I didn’t turn on the TV or do anything at all. I just sat down on the couch and didn’t move. The biggest thing I did during that time was make the transition from sitting down to lying down, which was enough for me at the time. I just felt completely drained of all energy. When I woke up I decided to eat something because, in spite of my stomach hurting, it was also growling. So, I did something that was probably kind of dumb. I ate the leftovers from last night’s dinner. The only reason I say this was dumb is because I assume that last night’s dinner is what made my stomach hurt so much in the first place. You see, I don’t know for certain, but I think I may be lactose intolerant. I mean, I can use skim milk in coffee and things like that but the Hamburger Helper sort of meal I made last night included four cups of milk. I think that may be what did it. This idea MAY have been supported by the fact that my stomach wound up feeling pretty bad after that, as well. I’m not entirely sure because the Chinese food I ate this morning didn’t have any negative effect that I noticed and I haven’t eaten anything since then, so I am not sure. It is after 8pm now and my Mom is on her way home with dinner – a chicken sandwich and fries from Gyros & Seafood. We’ll see how that goes. I know I am still not feeling great. My body still feels achy all over. My breathing is okay now, though, and I wonder if the ache isn’t just from the lack of sleep. I am really keeping my fingers crossed that I will wake up tomorrow and feel okay. We’ll see, though.
I’m about to end this so I can go watch “Big Brother” and have dinner once my Mom gets home. Before I do go, though, I wanted to mention this movie that I watched this evening on Netflix. You see, having this crazy lack of energy and sore feeling all over, I figured the best activity for me today would be to lie in my bed and watch a movie. So, I dug around Netflix for a little bit and came across this random movie I’d never heard of but just had to see, just based on it’s stars. This was a “gritty drama” called “Into Temptation,” starring Jeremy Sisto, who I adore for being like a male version of Heather Graham, and Kristin Chenoweth, who I have loved ever since the first time I listened to the Broadway Cast Recording of “Wicked” for the first time. She is incredible and absolutely hilarious in her various TV and film roles over the years. What was so intriguing about this movie, though, is the fact that it is a drama. Kristin plays a prostitute and Jeremy Sisto plays a priest. She confesses to the priest that she is planning to commit suicide on her birthday, which is coming up soon although how soon is never specified. The priest, in spite of his oaths or doctrines or whatever priests have, feels compelled to try to find this woman and stop her from killing herself. The story that ensues is not one of the best films I have seen recently but is definitely interesting and worth checking out, I think. It was fascinating seeing Kristin Chenoweth in such a dramatic role, as well. I was very impressed with her. Like I said, it’s a weird movie and not the best thing I have seen lately but was still a good way to spend a little time. I also spent a little time this evening making ringtones of those three or four Lindsay Lohan songs that leaked over the past few months. I really miss her as a musician and I am really keeping my fingers crossed that she will get back on the straight and narrow after this jail time she is going to be dealing with. Even more, I kind of hope she pulls a Courtney Love and writes a lot of brilliant new material while she is locked up. Of course, Lindsay Lohan is no Courtney Love. Anyway, I am off to watch “Big Brother” now! Goodnight!
10:42pm
Okay, so I just wanted to check back in since I hadn’t actually posted this yet to say that I ate a big ass chicken sandwich and fries from Gyros & Seafood and didn’t wind up feeling any worse or anything, so I think I’m going to be alright. As much as I was really into the idea of missing work tomorrow, I really was NOT into the idea of having an entire day missing from my next paycheck. So, it is for the best that I go back tomorrow. Also, this evening in discussing my mini-birthday party planned for this weekend with my Mother, I kind of came to a decision about it – it is officially cancelled. I just kind of realized that I am completely over the whole concept already and it hasn’t even happened yet. So, instead, I am just going to hang out with my family on Saturday night – my brother and sister-in-law, my sister and her girlfriend and their family, and my Mom and her boyfriend. I am also having Rachel come, as well, because she is like my BFF and I wouldn’t want to do it without her. I think I’ll have more fun that way, anyway. Plus, two of my other close friends who I had invited have birthdays a little later this month, as well, so I figured I could just get together with all of the rest of them for a group celebration or something. I just feel like right now I am so over thinking about a birthday party and who is or isn’t coming and what type of food I need to have and having to clean my house and shit like that. So, it seemed like the best idea to just stop thinking about any of it and just have fun with my family instead. It kind of seems like the more adult thing to do, anyway. Grown folk don’t make an ordeal out of their birthdays, in general, unless it’s some sort of milestone. 27 is not a milestone birthday. So, fuck it. Anyway, that is all for now. I need to try to get to bed now. Goodnight.
When I got home I lied down on the couch and fell asleep for about an hour. It was the strangest thing – I didn’t turn on the TV or do anything at all. I just sat down on the couch and didn’t move. The biggest thing I did during that time was make the transition from sitting down to lying down, which was enough for me at the time. I just felt completely drained of all energy. When I woke up I decided to eat something because, in spite of my stomach hurting, it was also growling. So, I did something that was probably kind of dumb. I ate the leftovers from last night’s dinner. The only reason I say this was dumb is because I assume that last night’s dinner is what made my stomach hurt so much in the first place. You see, I don’t know for certain, but I think I may be lactose intolerant. I mean, I can use skim milk in coffee and things like that but the Hamburger Helper sort of meal I made last night included four cups of milk. I think that may be what did it. This idea MAY have been supported by the fact that my stomach wound up feeling pretty bad after that, as well. I’m not entirely sure because the Chinese food I ate this morning didn’t have any negative effect that I noticed and I haven’t eaten anything since then, so I am not sure. It is after 8pm now and my Mom is on her way home with dinner – a chicken sandwich and fries from Gyros & Seafood. We’ll see how that goes. I know I am still not feeling great. My body still feels achy all over. My breathing is okay now, though, and I wonder if the ache isn’t just from the lack of sleep. I am really keeping my fingers crossed that I will wake up tomorrow and feel okay. We’ll see, though.
I’m about to end this so I can go watch “Big Brother” and have dinner once my Mom gets home. Before I do go, though, I wanted to mention this movie that I watched this evening on Netflix. You see, having this crazy lack of energy and sore feeling all over, I figured the best activity for me today would be to lie in my bed and watch a movie. So, I dug around Netflix for a little bit and came across this random movie I’d never heard of but just had to see, just based on it’s stars. This was a “gritty drama” called “Into Temptation,” starring Jeremy Sisto, who I adore for being like a male version of Heather Graham, and Kristin Chenoweth, who I have loved ever since the first time I listened to the Broadway Cast Recording of “Wicked” for the first time. She is incredible and absolutely hilarious in her various TV and film roles over the years. What was so intriguing about this movie, though, is the fact that it is a drama. Kristin plays a prostitute and Jeremy Sisto plays a priest. She confesses to the priest that she is planning to commit suicide on her birthday, which is coming up soon although how soon is never specified. The priest, in spite of his oaths or doctrines or whatever priests have, feels compelled to try to find this woman and stop her from killing herself. The story that ensues is not one of the best films I have seen recently but is definitely interesting and worth checking out, I think. It was fascinating seeing Kristin Chenoweth in such a dramatic role, as well. I was very impressed with her. Like I said, it’s a weird movie and not the best thing I have seen lately but was still a good way to spend a little time. I also spent a little time this evening making ringtones of those three or four Lindsay Lohan songs that leaked over the past few months. I really miss her as a musician and I am really keeping my fingers crossed that she will get back on the straight and narrow after this jail time she is going to be dealing with. Even more, I kind of hope she pulls a Courtney Love and writes a lot of brilliant new material while she is locked up. Of course, Lindsay Lohan is no Courtney Love. Anyway, I am off to watch “Big Brother” now! Goodnight!
10:42pm
Okay, so I just wanted to check back in since I hadn’t actually posted this yet to say that I ate a big ass chicken sandwich and fries from Gyros & Seafood and didn’t wind up feeling any worse or anything, so I think I’m going to be alright. As much as I was really into the idea of missing work tomorrow, I really was NOT into the idea of having an entire day missing from my next paycheck. So, it is for the best that I go back tomorrow. Also, this evening in discussing my mini-birthday party planned for this weekend with my Mother, I kind of came to a decision about it – it is officially cancelled. I just kind of realized that I am completely over the whole concept already and it hasn’t even happened yet. So, instead, I am just going to hang out with my family on Saturday night – my brother and sister-in-law, my sister and her girlfriend and their family, and my Mom and her boyfriend. I am also having Rachel come, as well, because she is like my BFF and I wouldn’t want to do it without her. I think I’ll have more fun that way, anyway. Plus, two of my other close friends who I had invited have birthdays a little later this month, as well, so I figured I could just get together with all of the rest of them for a group celebration or something. I just feel like right now I am so over thinking about a birthday party and who is or isn’t coming and what type of food I need to have and having to clean my house and shit like that. So, it seemed like the best idea to just stop thinking about any of it and just have fun with my family instead. It kind of seems like the more adult thing to do, anyway. Grown folk don’t make an ordeal out of their birthdays, in general, unless it’s some sort of milestone. 27 is not a milestone birthday. So, fuck it. Anyway, that is all for now. I need to try to get to bed now. Goodnight.
Tuesday, July 13
Chapter 250: Unwritten
Let me begin tonight's blog by telling you up front that I am writing tonight's blog from my cell phone from the couch, in front of the TV. There is a very important reason for this - tonight is the series finale of one of my long-time favorite shows, "The Hills." Now, I'll admit that I haven't been the most devoted fan in the world over the past season and a half, since Lauren Conrad left, but I have stuck through six seasons of it and have never missed an episode. I've watched these people's lives and relationships and such. I've watched the breakdown of Lauren's friendship with Heidi. I've bawled my eyes out watching Heidi move out of the apartment that they shared. I've watched Lauren and Audrina grow closer and closer, & the tensions between them when Lauren's best friend from "Laguna Beach," Lo, resurfaced in the televised version of her life. I also watched Lauren slowly grow out of being filmed and leaving the show. I've also watched Kristin Cavallari come in and fight with everyone yet still manage to become friends with them all, because she has that personality that is always endearing and forgivable. She is fun. I've also watched adorable little Whitney Port go from barely being featured to starring in her very own spin-off series, "The City," which is also having it's second season finale tonight. Despite the fact that, as I mentioned, the past season and a half haven't been that great I am still very sad to see this show end. I don't know what life is going to be like without Brody and Audrina and all the rest in my life for 10-20 episodes every year. Obviously, I'm exaggerating a bit but I have been loving this show for like 6 years now and am definitely sad to see it end. I am pretty excited to see what they are going to do with the finale. I hope they give it a really great, proper send-off. I think it deserves it. So, like I said, I am writing the blog from the couch as I watch all of MTV's coverage of the finale party & such.
So, today was a pretty boring day, honestly. I woke up at 10am and did all my normal morning routine stuff. My Mom was out at the grocery store but by the time I finished all my morning stuff she was coming home & had a car full of groceries. So, when she got home I went out and helped bring them in. Then I sat down and watched "The View" and talked to her while she got ready for work. After that, I went into my bedroom and sat down to finish last night's blog. I feel kind of crappy about the fact that it seems like it's become more and more frequent that I let the blog wait until the next day or just kind of punk out on it. I've just kind of been having trouble finding the time to do it. Actually, the time isn't the issue as much as the will. I don't know what it is exactly but for some reason I just keep finding myself feeling resistant to the idea of sitting down and writing out my thoughts and feelings. I think this stems back to what I was talking about in last night's blog. I am just so bored with my life right now. I need to figure out SOMETHING to shake things up and make me feel excited about my life again. Aside from piano, I don't really have any creative projects going on right now. I don't have any sort of... Anything to keep me excited. There is nothing going on in my life right now that makes me feel like I am moving forward. There is nothing I hate more than feeling like I am not moving forward. It is my main goal in life to be constantly moving forward.
I feel like my life is kind of like "The Hills" right now. Like the Natasha Bedingfield song that is the show's theme, no one else can feel it for me, only I can let it in, no one else, no one else can speak the words on my lips, I need to drench myself in words unspoken, live my life with arms wide open, today is where my book begins... The rest is still unwritten. That was a super fucking cheesy way to say it but it doesn't make it any less true. It's funny to think about my life in terms of being one full-length story. It isn't the most cohesive story ever. I don't know that my life could ever really be told as one long story. It's more like a collection of short stories - none of it really goes together, per se, although I can't imagine how I could ever have gotten to one without the one before it. Every single step of the way has led me to the next and I wouldn't have come to any of them without the one before it. Still, I just have this overwhelming feeling that the next step I take... Well, I can't help but feel like it is going to be a BIG one. I don't know what it will be but I know I'm going to figure it out soon & I'm going to make it work for me. I don't know why I've been so down lately - I've got something incredible, beautiful, earth-shattering & life-altering ahead of me. I am ready for it, too. I will keep my eyes open and I will be open, ready and willing to accept anything that life throws my way. Like I said before, "the rest is still unwritten."
Speaking of "Unwritten," the series finale of "The Hills" has just ended and, as much as I haven't been as into the show since Lauren left, Adam Divello and the entire cast and crew of the series COMPLETELY redeemed themselves with the way the series ended. It couldn't have been more perfect. It was powerful, shocking, true to the nature of the entire series, as well as "Laguna Beach," and really made an honest, genuine statement to both fans and critics of the series. I honestly couldn't believe it. I won't say specifically what happened, for anybody who may have missed tonight's airing or anything, but it couldn't have been more perfect. It was absolutely stunning. God, I loved that show. It will be missed. For now, though, it is time to go watch "The Hills Live After Show," and take a little walk down memory lane with the cast and such, then it is immediately off to bed. Goodnight.
So, today was a pretty boring day, honestly. I woke up at 10am and did all my normal morning routine stuff. My Mom was out at the grocery store but by the time I finished all my morning stuff she was coming home & had a car full of groceries. So, when she got home I went out and helped bring them in. Then I sat down and watched "The View" and talked to her while she got ready for work. After that, I went into my bedroom and sat down to finish last night's blog. I feel kind of crappy about the fact that it seems like it's become more and more frequent that I let the blog wait until the next day or just kind of punk out on it. I've just kind of been having trouble finding the time to do it. Actually, the time isn't the issue as much as the will. I don't know what it is exactly but for some reason I just keep finding myself feeling resistant to the idea of sitting down and writing out my thoughts and feelings. I think this stems back to what I was talking about in last night's blog. I am just so bored with my life right now. I need to figure out SOMETHING to shake things up and make me feel excited about my life again. Aside from piano, I don't really have any creative projects going on right now. I don't have any sort of... Anything to keep me excited. There is nothing going on in my life right now that makes me feel like I am moving forward. There is nothing I hate more than feeling like I am not moving forward. It is my main goal in life to be constantly moving forward.
I feel like my life is kind of like "The Hills" right now. Like the Natasha Bedingfield song that is the show's theme, no one else can feel it for me, only I can let it in, no one else, no one else can speak the words on my lips, I need to drench myself in words unspoken, live my life with arms wide open, today is where my book begins... The rest is still unwritten. That was a super fucking cheesy way to say it but it doesn't make it any less true. It's funny to think about my life in terms of being one full-length story. It isn't the most cohesive story ever. I don't know that my life could ever really be told as one long story. It's more like a collection of short stories - none of it really goes together, per se, although I can't imagine how I could ever have gotten to one without the one before it. Every single step of the way has led me to the next and I wouldn't have come to any of them without the one before it. Still, I just have this overwhelming feeling that the next step I take... Well, I can't help but feel like it is going to be a BIG one. I don't know what it will be but I know I'm going to figure it out soon & I'm going to make it work for me. I don't know why I've been so down lately - I've got something incredible, beautiful, earth-shattering & life-altering ahead of me. I am ready for it, too. I will keep my eyes open and I will be open, ready and willing to accept anything that life throws my way. Like I said before, "the rest is still unwritten."
Speaking of "Unwritten," the series finale of "The Hills" has just ended and, as much as I haven't been as into the show since Lauren left, Adam Divello and the entire cast and crew of the series COMPLETELY redeemed themselves with the way the series ended. It couldn't have been more perfect. It was powerful, shocking, true to the nature of the entire series, as well as "Laguna Beach," and really made an honest, genuine statement to both fans and critics of the series. I honestly couldn't believe it. I won't say specifically what happened, for anybody who may have missed tonight's airing or anything, but it couldn't have been more perfect. It was absolutely stunning. God, I loved that show. It will be missed. For now, though, it is time to go watch "The Hills Live After Show," and take a little walk down memory lane with the cast and such, then it is immediately off to bed. Goodnight.
Chapter 249: A Little Opera Goes A Long Way
You know how I start so many of these blogs by saying that it was a boring day? Well, today I REALLY mean it, at least in reference to the first portion of the day. I woke up on time, at 6am, and immediately went to uploading last night's video blog after having left it to download to the computer from Windows Movie Maker. I was experimenting a bit with the file type & compression process, etc., and apparently I found a really good one because regardless of how long it took to compress & save the file, it took less than five minutes to upload to YouTube, which is awesome. After this was done and posted, I went to brush my teeth and do my morning skincare routine, then made myself some coffee and oatmeal for breakfast. I sat down at the computer to eat, drink my coffee and smoke a cigarette or two. While there, I downloaded last night's episode of "True Blood," which I will probably watch sometime tomorrow while I am off. It wasn't long before the clock was edging towards 7:30am and it was time to get into the bathroom to get dressed and do my hair and makeup for the day. I did another peach/coral look using the Ulta 92-piece Blockbuster that I bought over the weekend, which I am loving so far. I used it on Sunday, as well, and did a very similar peach/coral look then, so I know that those colors work really well but haven't tried out too many of the other eye shadows in the palette. Anyway, it was a really cute look and didn't really take too long to achieve, so I was pretty pleased with it. I was also pleased with the fact that I still had a good amount of time to hang out, smoke a couple more cigarettes and mentally prepare myself for work.
Work was the most boring part of the day. It was 9.5 hours of a whole lot of nothing. I mean, there were calls but aside from that I pretty much spent the entire day not really talking much with anybody or really doing much interacting at all. I basically spent the entire day reading this book that one of my co-workers lent me, called "In My Father's House," by E. Lynn Harris. E. Lynn Harris is a bit of an anomaly to me. I wasn't really familiar with his work prior to this novel, although my co-worker and friend has told me before that she is a big fan of his work. Apparently, most of his work deals with African-American men who are "on the down low," which I find fascinating because E. Lynn Harris himself was an openly gay African-American man and it kind of seems like focusing so much on the "down low" types is kind of perpetuating a big stereotype. It is kind of an odd thing because I know several openly gay, perfectly well-adjusted black men and wasn't aware that it was such a big phenomenon that black men would be living lives with wives and girlfriends or whatever and secretly having sex with other men. I hate that whole idea and it seems like more and more lately the media is trying to make it out like it's the norm for black men. I just find it offensive because, like I said, I know several black men who are out and proud and don't run around trying to be anybody but who they are. Anyway, from what my co-worker was telling me, "In My Father's House" is the first novel of his that is solely focused on an out gay man, as opposed to simply having the gay characters as part of an ensemble or as a secondary character. It is a really good book and it is a shame that E. Lynn Harris passed away before he had a chance to write more like this. It is a really fun, sexy story about a man, Bentley Dean III, who owns and operates a successful modelling agency in South Beach. I like it a lot. I'm almost finished with it and I am thinking of picking up some of E. Lynn Harris' other books to see what they are like.
I basically spent the entire day at work reading this book, though, and barely spoke with my co-workers or anything. The day passed fairly quickly, though, and I was ready to get out of there by 6pm. My Mom and I hadn't taken anything out for dinner tonight, so I suggested that we just pick up a pizza after she gets off and call it a day, which she agreed with. When she dropped me off at home on her 15-minute break, I went over to the opposite side of the apartment from where our door is to go to the mailbox. I reached into my pocket for the mailbox key when I realized that I didn't have my keys on me. Suddenly it dawned on me that I couldn't recall grabbing my keys when I left the house this morning. It was very unlike me. I also didn't grab my iPod when I left the house this morning, either, which is even less like me. I checked the front door and the sliding glass door off of our patio to see if perhaps we had left either one unlocked by accident. I had no such luck. My Mom had already left, as she had to get back to work. So, I sat for a minute not sure what to do. Then I remembered that my sister has a key to our house, as well, so I whipped out my cell phone and called her. She was just arriving at the grocery store, which is just a few blocks from my house, so she said that she would head this way once she was done and open the door for me. It was about 45 minutes later that she did show up but I was very grateful that she came at all. It was a really weird experience for me, though, because it really made me feel kind of dumb and irresponsible. I try really hard nowadays to be an adult and act and behave as such, so when I do something dumb like that where I have to reach out to somebody else for help with a simple task like getting into my house, I feel like all of that effort to be a responsible adult has gone to waste. I know that's not true and it's a silly mistake anybody could make... but it's a silly mistake you don't really see many people make very often. So, it kind of sucked.
Once I got inside I spent a little while practicing piano, which went pretty well. Viktor wants me to be playing the piece I've been working on with both hands by this week's lesson, which I can pretty well do at this point. I just can't do it well. It's not a big deal, though, I don't think. I'm going to work at it a bit more extensively tomorrow and see if I can improve it before Wednesday. Also, in this time, I was reminded of a new record coming out that I was very excited about that was set for release tomorrow. I think that everybody who has followed the blog for a while now knows of my love for a little "band" called Owl City. Owl City was my favorite new artist of 2009, and the major label debut album, "Ocean Eyes," is counted amongst my favorite albums of recent times. It is an absolutely gorgeous album and one I recommend EVERYBODY check out. Anyway, Adam Young, the one man who is Owl City, has got a new album under another name being released tomorrow. This side project is called Sky Sailing, and it is basically exactly like Owl City, except acoustic. It seems a little silly to do it this way, as opposed to just calling it Owl City acoustic, but that is neither here nor there. This record is called "An Airplane Carried Me To Bed," and it is also a gorgeous record. It sounds exactly like an Owl City record, except without the dancy, electronic elements. In terms of lyrics, melody and all the other factors, this collection of songs could easily be a set of Owl City songs. My personal favorite of these songs is the album's opener, called "A Little Opera Goes A Long Way." It is one I can relate to a LOT lately. It really speaks to exactly what I have been feeling in my life lately. I was talking to my Mom about this the other day - I am bored. I am bored with my life. I am bored with everything around me. There is just this overwhelming feeling in me of "There's got to be something more than this." I know there is. I have always known that my life was meant for so much more than what it is right now. What I haven't ever known is how to get it to where it is meant to be. This song is a major comfort in that whole concept and reminds me of what is important to me in life. The chorus of the song says, "Pretend you're not alone, like you are center stage on Broadway, cos' when you're on your own a little opera goes a long way." It's funny, too, because lately I have been making an effort to spend a little more of my time performing for nobody but me. I feel like it is important to do that sometimes. It helps spark your imagine and helps you to envision what you want out of life... if what you want out of life is to be a performer, that is. I find it very helpful. It kind of takes my mind and my focus back to where I want it to be - on art and performance and music and all the things that I hope to achieve with my life. As far as the rest of the Sky Sailing record, like I said, it is gorgeous. It is like "Ocean Eyes" in a lot of ways - it kind of ebbs and flows and takes you on a journey as you listen to it. I haven't gotten to listen to it too much at this point, though, because of the other thing that happened last night.
A little later yesterday evening, after my Mom and I engorged ourselves on pizza and watched "The Bachelorette," I went online and found another major leak that I knew was coming soon and have been pretty excited for - Sheryl Crow's seventh studio album, "100 Miles From Memphis." This album, I have to say, was a pretty big surprise to me. It is extremely different from anything that Sheryl has done before, which I was kind of anticipating based on the album's first single, "Summer Day." This record is wall-to-wall Motown. If you are looking for the classic Sheryl Crow country/blues/pop sound, it isn't really anywhere to be found on this record. Still, Sheryl has always had bits of a soul/Motown vibe in her music, so it's not completely out of left field. I wasn't expecting the entire album to be in this style, though. The other surprising thing is that the album includes a lot of cover songs and some surprise guests. None of those guests are more surprising, though, than Justin Timberlake. I never imagined there would come a day when there was a song that is listed as Sheryl Crow featuring Justin Timberlake. Still, it works shockingly well. Their voices go together beautifully. The song that they do together is quite the surprise, as well. It is a cover of the Terence Trent D'arby song "Sign Your Name." Sheryl Crow, Justin Timberlake and Terence Trent D'arby are three things I never imagined going together, and had they gone together I would have imagined it being a huge fucking mess. It is not, though - not by a long shot. This album, surprising as it was to me, is fucking brilliant. I did expect that out of it - Sheryl Crow has never let me down before. It's different than I expected but really fucking good. The album includes some really great, soulful, upbeat songs as well as some really gorgeous ballads. Every song on the album is great - there isn't a single one I dislike. My favorites, though, would have to be the opener, "Our Love Is Fading," "Long Road Home," "Say What You Want," (which is a brilliant commentary on American culture as Sheryl has a tendency to do,) "Peaceful Feeling," "Sideways," which features Citizen Cope, and her gorgeous cover/tribute to Michael Jackson, "I Want You Back." I found the inclusion of this particularly poignant knowing that she was a backup singer for Michael for years and I would imagine was very strongly affected by his passing. This is a gorgeous album, though, and I highly recommend everybody check it out when it comes out, the day after my birthday, July 20. It seems like every year some album that I am really into comes out just before or just after my birthday. One year it was Ashlee Simpson's debut album, "Autobiography," which is still a favorite of mine, and another year it was Miley Cyrus' first non-Hannah Montana album, "Breakout," which I still love and listen to quite frequently, and this year it is Sheryl Crow's album, which I don't doubt I will still be loving years from now.
Anyway, I fell asleep writing this last night and it is well into the day on Tuesday by now, so I need to go get to this day. I don't really have any plans for today. I need to watch the movie "Nine," so I can send it back to Netflix. The next thing I am getting is the movie "Invictus," which I have absolutely no interest in seeing but my Mom wants to have here for this weekend, since her boyfriend will be in town. I'm really kind of irritated that she seems to be making this weekend all about hanging out with him. It's my birthday weekend, for chrissakes! I mean, I don't expect the entire weekend to be devoted to ME but I do find it kind of irritating that I am going to spend my four-day birthday weekend spending the bulk of my time sitting in my bedroom watching Netflix movies by myself. That seems pretty shitty. I need to get over myself, though. It's not like I'm turning 12. I'm going to be 27 this year - if there is anything that I want to have happen on my birthday weekend, I need to make it happen for myself. Whatever. Anyway, it is time to go get to the day. My only other plan, aside from watching "Nine" is taking out the trash and, later this evening, making dinner. I can't decide if I should just make some Hamburger Helper or if I should make the somehow less ghetto version of Hamburger Helper known as Spaghetti. Meh, I'll figure it out later. For now, though, I guess all I can say is Good Day. I said good day!
Work was the most boring part of the day. It was 9.5 hours of a whole lot of nothing. I mean, there were calls but aside from that I pretty much spent the entire day not really talking much with anybody or really doing much interacting at all. I basically spent the entire day reading this book that one of my co-workers lent me, called "In My Father's House," by E. Lynn Harris. E. Lynn Harris is a bit of an anomaly to me. I wasn't really familiar with his work prior to this novel, although my co-worker and friend has told me before that she is a big fan of his work. Apparently, most of his work deals with African-American men who are "on the down low," which I find fascinating because E. Lynn Harris himself was an openly gay African-American man and it kind of seems like focusing so much on the "down low" types is kind of perpetuating a big stereotype. It is kind of an odd thing because I know several openly gay, perfectly well-adjusted black men and wasn't aware that it was such a big phenomenon that black men would be living lives with wives and girlfriends or whatever and secretly having sex with other men. I hate that whole idea and it seems like more and more lately the media is trying to make it out like it's the norm for black men. I just find it offensive because, like I said, I know several black men who are out and proud and don't run around trying to be anybody but who they are. Anyway, from what my co-worker was telling me, "In My Father's House" is the first novel of his that is solely focused on an out gay man, as opposed to simply having the gay characters as part of an ensemble or as a secondary character. It is a really good book and it is a shame that E. Lynn Harris passed away before he had a chance to write more like this. It is a really fun, sexy story about a man, Bentley Dean III, who owns and operates a successful modelling agency in South Beach. I like it a lot. I'm almost finished with it and I am thinking of picking up some of E. Lynn Harris' other books to see what they are like.
I basically spent the entire day at work reading this book, though, and barely spoke with my co-workers or anything. The day passed fairly quickly, though, and I was ready to get out of there by 6pm. My Mom and I hadn't taken anything out for dinner tonight, so I suggested that we just pick up a pizza after she gets off and call it a day, which she agreed with. When she dropped me off at home on her 15-minute break, I went over to the opposite side of the apartment from where our door is to go to the mailbox. I reached into my pocket for the mailbox key when I realized that I didn't have my keys on me. Suddenly it dawned on me that I couldn't recall grabbing my keys when I left the house this morning. It was very unlike me. I also didn't grab my iPod when I left the house this morning, either, which is even less like me. I checked the front door and the sliding glass door off of our patio to see if perhaps we had left either one unlocked by accident. I had no such luck. My Mom had already left, as she had to get back to work. So, I sat for a minute not sure what to do. Then I remembered that my sister has a key to our house, as well, so I whipped out my cell phone and called her. She was just arriving at the grocery store, which is just a few blocks from my house, so she said that she would head this way once she was done and open the door for me. It was about 45 minutes later that she did show up but I was very grateful that she came at all. It was a really weird experience for me, though, because it really made me feel kind of dumb and irresponsible. I try really hard nowadays to be an adult and act and behave as such, so when I do something dumb like that where I have to reach out to somebody else for help with a simple task like getting into my house, I feel like all of that effort to be a responsible adult has gone to waste. I know that's not true and it's a silly mistake anybody could make... but it's a silly mistake you don't really see many people make very often. So, it kind of sucked.
Once I got inside I spent a little while practicing piano, which went pretty well. Viktor wants me to be playing the piece I've been working on with both hands by this week's lesson, which I can pretty well do at this point. I just can't do it well. It's not a big deal, though, I don't think. I'm going to work at it a bit more extensively tomorrow and see if I can improve it before Wednesday. Also, in this time, I was reminded of a new record coming out that I was very excited about that was set for release tomorrow. I think that everybody who has followed the blog for a while now knows of my love for a little "band" called Owl City. Owl City was my favorite new artist of 2009, and the major label debut album, "Ocean Eyes," is counted amongst my favorite albums of recent times. It is an absolutely gorgeous album and one I recommend EVERYBODY check out. Anyway, Adam Young, the one man who is Owl City, has got a new album under another name being released tomorrow. This side project is called Sky Sailing, and it is basically exactly like Owl City, except acoustic. It seems a little silly to do it this way, as opposed to just calling it Owl City acoustic, but that is neither here nor there. This record is called "An Airplane Carried Me To Bed," and it is also a gorgeous record. It sounds exactly like an Owl City record, except without the dancy, electronic elements. In terms of lyrics, melody and all the other factors, this collection of songs could easily be a set of Owl City songs. My personal favorite of these songs is the album's opener, called "A Little Opera Goes A Long Way." It is one I can relate to a LOT lately. It really speaks to exactly what I have been feeling in my life lately. I was talking to my Mom about this the other day - I am bored. I am bored with my life. I am bored with everything around me. There is just this overwhelming feeling in me of "There's got to be something more than this." I know there is. I have always known that my life was meant for so much more than what it is right now. What I haven't ever known is how to get it to where it is meant to be. This song is a major comfort in that whole concept and reminds me of what is important to me in life. The chorus of the song says, "Pretend you're not alone, like you are center stage on Broadway, cos' when you're on your own a little opera goes a long way." It's funny, too, because lately I have been making an effort to spend a little more of my time performing for nobody but me. I feel like it is important to do that sometimes. It helps spark your imagine and helps you to envision what you want out of life... if what you want out of life is to be a performer, that is. I find it very helpful. It kind of takes my mind and my focus back to where I want it to be - on art and performance and music and all the things that I hope to achieve with my life. As far as the rest of the Sky Sailing record, like I said, it is gorgeous. It is like "Ocean Eyes" in a lot of ways - it kind of ebbs and flows and takes you on a journey as you listen to it. I haven't gotten to listen to it too much at this point, though, because of the other thing that happened last night.
A little later yesterday evening, after my Mom and I engorged ourselves on pizza and watched "The Bachelorette," I went online and found another major leak that I knew was coming soon and have been pretty excited for - Sheryl Crow's seventh studio album, "100 Miles From Memphis." This album, I have to say, was a pretty big surprise to me. It is extremely different from anything that Sheryl has done before, which I was kind of anticipating based on the album's first single, "Summer Day." This record is wall-to-wall Motown. If you are looking for the classic Sheryl Crow country/blues/pop sound, it isn't really anywhere to be found on this record. Still, Sheryl has always had bits of a soul/Motown vibe in her music, so it's not completely out of left field. I wasn't expecting the entire album to be in this style, though. The other surprising thing is that the album includes a lot of cover songs and some surprise guests. None of those guests are more surprising, though, than Justin Timberlake. I never imagined there would come a day when there was a song that is listed as Sheryl Crow featuring Justin Timberlake. Still, it works shockingly well. Their voices go together beautifully. The song that they do together is quite the surprise, as well. It is a cover of the Terence Trent D'arby song "Sign Your Name." Sheryl Crow, Justin Timberlake and Terence Trent D'arby are three things I never imagined going together, and had they gone together I would have imagined it being a huge fucking mess. It is not, though - not by a long shot. This album, surprising as it was to me, is fucking brilliant. I did expect that out of it - Sheryl Crow has never let me down before. It's different than I expected but really fucking good. The album includes some really great, soulful, upbeat songs as well as some really gorgeous ballads. Every song on the album is great - there isn't a single one I dislike. My favorites, though, would have to be the opener, "Our Love Is Fading," "Long Road Home," "Say What You Want," (which is a brilliant commentary on American culture as Sheryl has a tendency to do,) "Peaceful Feeling," "Sideways," which features Citizen Cope, and her gorgeous cover/tribute to Michael Jackson, "I Want You Back." I found the inclusion of this particularly poignant knowing that she was a backup singer for Michael for years and I would imagine was very strongly affected by his passing. This is a gorgeous album, though, and I highly recommend everybody check it out when it comes out, the day after my birthday, July 20. It seems like every year some album that I am really into comes out just before or just after my birthday. One year it was Ashlee Simpson's debut album, "Autobiography," which is still a favorite of mine, and another year it was Miley Cyrus' first non-Hannah Montana album, "Breakout," which I still love and listen to quite frequently, and this year it is Sheryl Crow's album, which I don't doubt I will still be loving years from now.
Anyway, I fell asleep writing this last night and it is well into the day on Tuesday by now, so I need to go get to this day. I don't really have any plans for today. I need to watch the movie "Nine," so I can send it back to Netflix. The next thing I am getting is the movie "Invictus," which I have absolutely no interest in seeing but my Mom wants to have here for this weekend, since her boyfriend will be in town. I'm really kind of irritated that she seems to be making this weekend all about hanging out with him. It's my birthday weekend, for chrissakes! I mean, I don't expect the entire weekend to be devoted to ME but I do find it kind of irritating that I am going to spend my four-day birthday weekend spending the bulk of my time sitting in my bedroom watching Netflix movies by myself. That seems pretty shitty. I need to get over myself, though. It's not like I'm turning 12. I'm going to be 27 this year - if there is anything that I want to have happen on my birthday weekend, I need to make it happen for myself. Whatever. Anyway, it is time to go get to the day. My only other plan, aside from watching "Nine" is taking out the trash and, later this evening, making dinner. I can't decide if I should just make some Hamburger Helper or if I should make the somehow less ghetto version of Hamburger Helper known as Spaghetti. Meh, I'll figure it out later. For now, though, I guess all I can say is Good Day. I said good day!
Monday, July 12
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