Chapter 219: In Denial

Today was a weird day. I suppose they're all going to be that way for a while, though, until this particular version of weird becomes the new normal. Then, eventually, something else will happen and things will be a different version of weird until that becomes normal. Rinse & repeat. I don't know. I don't really have the energy or the will to do this tonight so I've pretty well decided I won't. Initially, I was going to push forward with it but I instead managed to sit here and distract myself from it for something like 3 hours. It's 2:45am now. It has just been a crazy couple of days. I haven't exactly figured out how to deal with any of it. I know I have emotions about it but I can't seem to get them out or express them in any way. My focus has all been on my Mom and dealing with her dealing with the whole thing. I just can't believe any of this is happening... but it is. My Uncle is gone. My Mom is flying out to California on Monday. My Grandma and Grandpa are on their way out there now. My cousin posted something on Facebook about it. It's all happening and I still don't really know what to say about it. I'm kind of assuming that next week, while my Mom is out of town and I am alone here, it will finally really sink in. The one thing I can say, though, is that after last weekend when so much of my family was here and I talked in this blog about how it all made me feel so much less alone in this world... well, I don't know. I feel alone now. It's not so much a matter of feeling alone, I suppose, as it is of feeling separate. I feel completely separated from everyone around me. I feel isolated. I couldn't explain exactly why that is but it is how I feel. I basically spent the entire day on autopilot, doing my best to detect the emotions coming from my Mom and to help her with them. As much as it sounds strange to say, right now my emotions are not relevant. At least, they are not as relevant as what my Mom must be feeling. So, I guess I've kind of put them away. I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here. I'm just doing the best that I can with everything. I will deal with how I feel in a timely manner, I'm sure. Emotions are like that - you can put them away for a while or set them aside or ignore them but it is never too long before you have to actually deal with them. Spending the next week alone in this house will probably be the time for me to do that. I just can't believe any of this is happening. It just seems so crazy after last weekend when everybody was so happy and we were together with so much of our family and celebrating a joyous occasion to be here, less than a week later, mourning the loss of another family member and, like I said, feeling separated from the rest of the world. This whole thing just sucks. I can't believe I am never going to see my Uncle again. I wish I were able to go with my Mom to California for the funeral but I can't. I have to stay here and work. There is the whole other matter of the fact that my Mom is going to be missing an entire week of work, which is a pretty big concern. I am also putting that concern aside, as well. I am simply going to put my faith in the fact that, as I have said many times before, the Universe is working in my favor. Of course I am worried about it but I know that a few different people have offered to help out with finances when it comes time for the paycheck that will be missing a week. Something will work out. I know my Mom is really worried about it, as well, which is why I haven't allowed myself to get too concerned with it. If I get stressed out over that she will only get worse and her focus doesn't need to be on that right now. She needs to just get to her family and I will figure everything out here at home. It will be okay. The Universe is working in my favor. It IS. It HAS TO BE. It has never failed me before and I am certain that it won't start now. Still, today was kind of like going through motions for me. My Mom wanted to go swimming at the pool in our apartment complex today, so I went with her. It was nice. The water felt great and I think it really helped to take her mind off of things for a little while. We also went out to Walgreen's so I could get cash out of my bank, (which has dedicated ATM machines at Walgreen's locations,) and pick up a few things. I bought a new moisturizer and some facial cleanser wipes from Clean & Clear and some Rimmel Glam Eyes Mascara. That is pretty well the extent of my spending from this paycheck, I think. I mean, I still need to get cash out for my piano lessons, as well. After that, I will have about $50 left and I don't have any plans for touching any of that money. I need to conserve as much as I can at this point. Before I fully woke up this morning my Mom went out grocery shopping. She said that she just needed to be alone for a little while. I can definitely understand that. Fortunately, she spent that alone time buying everything I could possibly need, as far as food goes, for the next week that she will be gone. It was very sweet of her and very fortunate for me because it meant that I won't have to spend any money on food. I also talked to my sister and her girlfriend and they said that they could get me to and from work this week, so I won't have to spend any money on transportation, either. The only concern I have left for the week, as far as sensible daily needs, is my piano lesson. I don't doubt that my sister can drop me off, like she does every week, but I haven't quite figured out what to do about getting home. I could always keep my fingers crossed that Viktor would drive me home but he told me last week that he has started driving a scooter to save money on gas, so that isn't likely to work out. I am beginning to think that it may be the best idea for me to just cancel this week's lesson. My only issue with that is that I don't want to look like I am trying to skip out on paying for the rest of the month by not showing up this week. I don't know what I am going to do. I may check with a few different people and see if there may be anybody who could pick me up after my lesson. I don't know what I'm going to do just yet. I don't know what I'm going to do about anything. The only thing I do know is that I should be in bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 218: Lift Me Up

I really don’t know what to say here. It is 2:27am and I have been putting off writing this blog tonight because I really don’t even know where to begin. I also don’t know where to end. I don’t know what to say at all. At it’s start today seemed like any other day. I woke up even later than I have been the past few days, at 7:15am. I really didn’t even want to get up out of bed then but I knew I absolutely had to. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, but because I was running low on time already I went ahead and did my makeup for the day then, as well. I then went out into the living room and made myself some oatmeal for breakfast, smoked a cigarette and drank a cup of coffee. I was talking to my Mom about the interview she had scheduled for this morning while I ate and such but very quickly it was time for me to go get dressed and do everything but my makeup. Once I got to work I found that it was a really boring day. It was slow and not long into the day we wound up missing the majority of my team. Even with the missing people, it was dreadfully slow. Still, I managed to make the day pass pretty quickly by finishing off “One Fifth Avenue,” and starting the book “Don’t Stop Believing: How Karaoke Conquered The World & Changed My Life.” This book is a lot of fun and really kind of gets me feeling the itch to go out and get silly on stage in some cheesy karaoke bar. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. I took lunch break with my Mom, who told me all about her interview. It went well, from the sounds, and I have very high hopes for her and this position. Everything was normal and boring until I went on my last break just after 4pm. When I checked my phone at that time I found that I had an email from my Aunt JoAnn. This email simply stated that it was an emergency and that I needed to call her as soon as possible. I called her immediately and that’s when the day came crashing down on me. That’s actually when a lot of things came crashing down on me.

My Aunt JoAnn informed me that my Uncle, her and my Mom’s brother, had passed away sometime last night. He’d been having some heart problems and was supposed to be losing a good deal of weight before having some surgery done that was supposed to help the issue. Nobody knows the exact details, as far as I know, but it would seem that this is the reason for this. It would be an understatement to say that I was shocked to hear this. My Uncle was only 51 years old and I knew he wasn’t in the best shape in the world but I had no idea anything like this could be coming. I don’t think anybody had an idea of this, though. My Aunt JoAnn said that she would call my Mom and tell her herself after she got out of work this evening at 8pm. We kind of agreed that it may be better for her to tell her about it because I am not really good with that sort of thing. She did ask me, though, to get in touch with my brother and sister to let them know and get them over here this evening. We figured that my Mom would need us to be here for her, so after I got off the call with her I went ahead and called my brother. Then, when I got back upstairs after my break, I told my sister, as well. I also asked my sister to drive me home after work so I wouldn’t have to ride with my Mom. We had all kind of agreed that it would be best not to tell her while she was at work because we all knew she would be devastated and didn’t want her to get that upset and be stuck at work for hours afterwards. All the while, I don’t really feel like I was letting it sink in for myself because I was so busy stressing myself out over everybody else’s reactions. I held it all together much better than I ever expected I’d be capable of. It was really difficult for me, though, when my Mom came over on her last break and was talking to my sister and I about her interview and such. She was in really high spirits and seemed like she was having a pretty decent day. She seemed to be in a really good mood. That good mood carried over to when she got off work at 8pm.

I had initially intended to let my Aunt JoAnn tell her when she called but once my Mom got home she could tell that there was something wrong with me and I had to tell her. As expected, she was devastated. She burst into tears and I didn’t know what I could possibly do for her but I felt like I needed to do something. It was one of the most terrible feelings possible and I began crying a little, as well. My sister had told me shortly before this that she would be over soon and it wasn’t long before she and her girlfriend arrived. Fortunately, they were both much better at comforting my Mom than I was. She was devastated, though, and couldn’t stop crying for quite a while. She talked with my Aunt JoAnn and my Uncle Glenn, who told her that she needed to come out there and that he would pay for her plane ticket. My brother also offered to pay for her plane ticket, as well, because everybody agreed that, no matter what, she needed to be with her family right now. My brother also showed up a little while later, as well, and we all hung out and did everything we could to try to take my Mom’s mind off of it or make her feel better about it. Still, this is one of her siblings and I can’t even begin to imagine what that must feel like. She also talked to her mother, as well as her boyfriend, for a while. We spent the entire evening until after midnight just doing everything we possibly could to comfort my Mom. She seemed to be feeling slightly better, as best one could in this situation, by that time and everybody decided to head back to their own homes. My Mom got really upset again and I tried my best to find the right words to say. Like I said, though, I am not very good at dealing with this sort of thing and was really struggling to find the right thing to say to her. I just can’t imagine how I would feel losing one of my siblings. I don’t know how one deals with that situation – how can you? My Mom went to bed just after this but then got up and came out to the living room and asked if we could watch some TV. I put on tonight’s episode of “The Soup,” and we watched but didn’t really laugh much. After this we watched a little bit of an episode of The Dr. Oz Show before going to bed.

I still don’t know what to say about this, as far as my own feelings about it. As I have discussed quite a bit in this blog recently, my Mom’s side of the family are the ones I feel closest to and have an immense amount of love and respect for. Every one of my Mother’s siblings holds a very special place in my heart and losing one of them is really a devastating blow to my sense of family, which has been built up a LOT after the events of last weekend. It just all seems really unfair. He was only 51 years old and, as I mentioned, wasn’t in the best shape in the world but never seemed to be at a point where his illness could kill him. I just don’t understand what exactly happened here. I don’t understand how it came about or why it had to happen to such an amazing person. Seriously, my Uncle Bruce was, first and foremost, one of the single funniest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was always saying or doing something off the wall and hilarious. He was just always a joy to be around. One of the most upsetting things to me is the fact that my brother, sister and I all spent time with him but were never around that side of the family as much. I think we all agreed that it was a shame we never got to know him on a closer level like our cousins and our mother and aunt and uncle did. Still, I do have many memories of him and I can’t stand the thought that there won’t be any more in the future. It just shouldn’t have happened. I can’t imagine going out to California again and not seeing him while I am there. I can’t imagine a get-together with all of that side of the family without him there, doing crazy impressions or celebrities or making hilarious offhand comments that make everybody crack up laughing. I really hate this whole situation. It is a tragedy and I just still can’t believe that this has happened.

My Mom is making arrangements to leave for California on Tuesday, most likely and return on Sunday of next weekend. She is definitely stressing out about the fact that she will be missing an entire week of work but I told her not to worry about it and that we would be able to figure something out. I told her that what was important is that she is with her family at this time. Everything else can be handled at a later date. So, next week I will most likely be in this house all by myself. I don’t mind that much, although I do much prefer to have my Mom home. Still, I can handle 6 days on my own. I’ve already arranged for my sister and/or her girlfriend come pick me for work each day and I believe that I have plenty of food to last me through the week. For now, though, it has been a very long, exhausting day and I am definitely beginning to feel it. I am trying really hard not to doze off in the middle of writing this thing, so I really should get to bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 217: I Believe In You

I woke up late this morning, at 6:30am as opposed to 6am when my alarm went off. You already know this, though, if you read last night’s blog. You see, last night I was in the middle of writing this blog when I found myself starting to fall asleep while sitting in the chair in front of my desk. I’m not sure why or how it happened but I was just extremely exhausted as I was writing last night’s blog but I did still have things that I needed to discuss in said blog, so I decided it would be in both my interest, as well as the best interest of the blog, to go ahead to bed and finish writing the blog in the morning. So, when I woke up late this morning I was kind of immediately panicked. I wasn’t genuinely panicked. I was more irritated than anything else. I hate waking up later than planned. It really, in the grand scheme of my day, didn’t make a bit of difference. I had already planned on not working out this morning, so I knew I would have a good deal of time with which to get the blog done. I got up and did my normal routine, and made myself a cup of coffee and some oatmeal for breakfast, then sat down to finish last night’s blog. It took a little longer to finish than I had anticipated and I didn’t get into the bathroom to get dressed and do my makeup until after 7:30am. Normally I try to get in there earlier than that – 7:15am-7:20am, in general – so I decided to do a simpler, quicker look and one that I had done several times before to make sure I could get it done in time. So, I went with my all black, Taylor Momsen inspired look, except I used a black shadow with silver glitter to match my black Calvin Klein with a silver/gray colored logo on it. It came out pretty cute, if I do say so myself, and I felt pretty good about my look when I left the house this morning. I also didn’t use any foundation or powder. I simply threw on some of the Amazing Cosmetics concealer April had given me before, which I hadn’t been using in order to preserve it for special occasions. Today was not any kind of special occasion but it is the concealer that blends best with my skin, so I figured it would be the best choice to use without foundation. I definitely intend to buy some of the Maybelline Mineral Power Powder Foundation I had mentioned before because I really feel like a powder foundation would work best for me during these summer months. Of course, I am doing this in spite of the warnings from Dr. Oz, whose show I happened to catch the other day when he was talking about the world’s most dangerous beauty products. One of the main products he talked about was Mineral Powders because you wind up inhaling a lot of the particles in the powder. He compared the minerals in these powders to the stuff inhaled by mine workers and such. I don’t entirely trust Dr. Oz, though. I feel like he is in the business of fear – he creates fear in the people who follow his work, which then prompts them to only follow his work more trying to find the answers to the fears that he created in them in the first place. I don’t know… the whole operation just seems kind of fucked up. He did state, though, that there is no evidence of these mineral powders being any danger to anybody’s health but he speculated and that is enough to freak out impressionable middle-aged and elderly women. It has been my experience that these two groups have a tendency to spook easily. I’m going to give it a try, either way. I figure it can’t hurt, no matter what Dr. Oz says, and based on my research it could wind up being exactly what I am looking for. I also received a message from April earlier today recommending that I check out some of the concealers from MAC because they are considerably less expensive but are similar to the Amazing Cosmetics stuff. So, that is definitely something I intend to look into moving forward, as well.

Of course, it has already been determined that the only cosmetic item I am buying with this paycheck will be the Maybelline Mineral Powder Foundation, which is $6-8. Aside from that, I really can’t afford any other splurging on cosmetics. The money I have left after paying my rent and such is mostly already claimed. I have to pay the rest of my piano lessons for the month, because I only payed for the first two weeks of the month so far. That will be $88, including $10 in late payment charges, which I am happy to pay because it was extremely convenient for me to be able to wait to pay the rest of the month. Then, my Mom and I are planning on joining the gym this weekend, which will only cost me somewhere in the $30 range. I think this will be a major improvement for my workout routine. Then there is one other thing I intend to spend money on. It is a DVD called “White Diamond: An Intimate Portrait Of Kylie Minogue.” It is a 2-disc set including the documentary film, “White Diamond,” which follows Kylie on her Showgirl tour through it’s cancellation after her diagnosis with cancer all the way up to her triumphant return with the Showgirl Homecoming Tour. I had heard about this film a few years ago but was never quite sure what came of it. It was never screened in any official capacity here in the US, but aired on television in the UK and other countries. Now that I know that it is available on DVD I simply have to own it for myself. The other really exciting thing about this is the second DVD in the set, which is a full concert from the Showgirl Homecoming tour. I own all of the other Kylie tours that have been released on DVD prior to this one so I must have this one, as well. The thing is, I have managed to catch Kylie Fever again in a very big way. I always love Kylie Minogue and always listen to her frequently but with the release of her AMAZING new single, “All The Lovers,” and the impending release of her 11th studio album, “Aphrodite,” I am becoming even more obsessed than I already was. She is just one of the greatest artists of my generation and I adore everything she does. I am particularly into her live shows because she just always manages to do the most amazing things with her music and really takes it all to a higher plane with her live performances. So, I am really excited to see a full show of what she did with her Showgirl Homecoming Tour. There is also another, more recent, DVD concert of her X2008 tour that I may buy, as well. I’ll have to see how my finances are after I get paid this weekend, though, before I decide on that. Either way, I definitely plan on breaking out the Kylie DVDs I already have this weekend and having a little Kylie concert marathon.

On the topic of financial matters, I got a text from my Mom on my first break this morning telling me that she received an email about a job that she had applied for online a while ago that sounds pretty perfect. She contacted them back and has a phone interview scheduled for tomorrow morning before work. There is also a higher position on her account at the place which shall not be named for security purposes that she has submitted a resume for. I don’t doubt that she could get the position at our current job but I really think it would be a million times better for her if she could get the other job she is interviewing for tomorrow. It is just so perfect in so many ways. It would pay her considerably more than a promotion at her current job would, has much better benefits and I think is something that she would be considerably happier with than what she is doing now. Mainly, though, it is considerably more money. I am praying with everything I have that this interview goes well. It wouldn’t solve every financial problem that we have at this point but it would be a MAJOR improvement. It would definitely alleviate a lot of the stress that we are going through right now in terms of money. We’d likely be able to pay all of our bills on time and such, which would be a great improvement on where we are currently. Like I said, I am praying and hoping and sending out all of the positive thoughts I possibly could into the universe that this works out for her. I really think it would be perfect. We’ll see, though. Like I said, I really think it would be a great thing for her and, in turn, a great thing for both of us. It would make a world of difference and I really hope that it can work out somehow. I think it will.

Work was bland today. I didn’t really do a whole lot. I wrote my two new songs today and was really happy with both of them. They were both extremely dance/pop and were both kind of “love” songs. Actually, neither of them were really love songs. They were both more “flirty” type songs, like something from Kylie Minogue’s album, “Fever.” The first one was called “Brand New,” and it kind of came about when I got Mariah Carey’s song “Touch My Body” stuck in my head. There is a line in the chorus of that song that says, “I just want to make you feel like you never did.” I always really loved that line in the song because it is basically like saying, “I want to make you feel something you’ve never felt before,” or like my song says, “I want to make you feel something brand new.” It basically took that one random line from “Touch My Body,” and blew it up into an entire song of it’s own. The other song was called, “So Happy,” and was basically about the concept of being around somebody who makes you feel better about the world; who makes everything seem “so happy.” That one is a little cutesy but I still really love the way it came out. Aside from the songwriting, I spent most of the day reading “One Fifth Avenue,” which I will most likely finish tomorrow. I have another book to start reading called “Don’t Stop Believing,” which is the story of a man who developed a deep passion for karaoke and decided to travel the world to discover the history and various forms of karaoke out there. My sister lent me this book because it was kind of a thing for us back in California to do karaoke a little more frequently than anybody should, probably. I mean, we were doing it in different places multiples nights each week for a long time. So, this book seemed like something appropriate to share. I am kind of excited to read it. After that, I really want to pick up “The Carrie Diaries,” from Candace Bushnell, as well as the original “Sex & The City” novel. After reading “One Fifth Avenue,” I am really into her style of writing. She really creates these brilliant, complex characters that really seem to come to life the further you read the stories. I like it a lot.

After work, I did 30 minutes or so of piano practice and I feel like I have really gotten much more comfortable with the left hand side of the new piece I am working on. I managed to play the entire first page of the piece on the left hand multiple times without any really severe issues. Tomorrow I will focus on only the right hand, then for the rest of the week I will work on both individually and maybe, depending on how well it all goes, I will try to play both sides together. I may save that for next week’s lesson but, again, that depends on how well my practice goes this week. For now, though, it is time for bed. It is 12:44am and I am hoping to actually wake up with my alarm tomorrow morning, so I need to get to bed as soon as possible. Plus, I am beginning to feel really tired again, so I’d better finish this off before I fall asleep again. Goodnight.

Chapter 216: Like A Lady

Okay, so I know that I have just spent five days of the past week punking out on the blog because I was updating from my phone and such, which was a very valid excuse. Tonight, on the other hand, I am sitting comfortably at my computer and really don’t have any excuse beyond saying that I am tired and need to get to bed. I won’t be as brief as I was while updating from my phone but I am still going to keep it brief. It was a pretty long day, honestly. I woke up at 6:15am this morning, which was 15 minutes after my alarm went off, and I was feeling pretty decent considering that today was my return to the routine of my daily life, which I wasn’t very excited about. Still, I got myself out of bed, washed my face and brushed my teeth, made myself a cup of coffee and a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I didn’t work out this morning. I had pretty well decided that I wasn’t going to be working out this week again, which is probably an unwise idea but one that I am going with. I think it could possibly work out okay for me, though, because my Mom brought up this evening that she would like to go and sign up for the gym this weekend. I kind of took that as a sign that I should just wait until we do that and start fresh again. After all, I kind of feel like I should step up my working out to something more substantial than just doing a DVD workout at home. Joining the gym would probably be the best way to do that. I am kind of excited about that whole concept. When I went to the gym for a brief while before, I really loved the whole gym environment. I think it is a lot of fun and kind of more motivational for me to have other people around. Plus, after seeing a lot of the pictures from the wedding I have kind of realized exactly how fat I really am. I mean, I knew it before but I never really had to be faced with it as much before seeing these pictures of myself looking massive at this wedding, amidst all these really pretty, thin people. It sucks to admit it but I really do feel like, for the first time in a long time, I am unhappy with my body. I had gotten to a point where I didn’t care all that much and was happy with myself as I was. I am still happy with myself, in terms of personality and character, but I just look at these pictures and feel like I COULD look so much better on the outside than I do currently. So, moving forward this will be much more of a focus than it has been in the past. I know that I CAN lose the weight that I have been carrying all of my life – it is simply a matter of maintaining the momentum I gain and not allowing myself to become discouraged or get lazy. I KNOW I can do it and I have every intention of getting it done.

Instead of working out this morning, though, I decided to use that extra time to practice piano, which I hadn’t done the entire time that my family was here. So, I spent 30 minutes practicing piano but didn’t manage to really get any further than I was last week. I decided to just keep my fingers crossed that Viktor would understand that I had a lot going on. I had talked to him a bit about the wedding and graduation going on this week, so I was hoping he would recall all of this stuff and cut me a little slack. I got dressed in my wedding pants, which are totally my new favorite pants that I own, and gray and pink argyle sweatervest. Over the weekend, my Mom picked up a small Clinique eye shadow duo for me that she had found really cheap somewhere. This duo included a very soft, pale pink color that I like to refer to as Ballerina Pink because it reminds me of the color of the classic tutu. The other color was a darker brownish-pink color. They were pretty perfect for just a simple, semi-natural look with a soft, light colored lid and a darker color in the crease for dimension. It came out looking really gorgeous, if I don’t say so myself. I also picked up a liquid liner, (Maybelline Line Stiletto,) and decided to pair that with this look for a little added drama. Like I said, I really loved the way this look came out. I’ve been much more into doing very simple, neutral eye shadow paired with dramatic liner. I also used my Maybelline Dream Mousse foundation and concealer, which I have been finding to be a pretty bad idea in the summer weather here in Florida. Still, I love the look of my face with foundation and such on it before I step outside and it all goes a little mad with my perspiration, etc. So, I have come up with a different idea to try – Maybelline Mineral Power Powder foundation. I think that using a powder foundation may be a much better idea during the summer here. I am going to give that a try once I get paid again and can run to a Walgreen’s or something where I can pick up some. I figure it is worth a shot, anyway. I can’t imagine it would turn out any worse than what I am doing now.

Work was bland. I spent the bulk of the day reading “One Fifth Avenue,” by Candace Bushnell. It is a really gorgeous book set in the iconic building located at One Fifth Avenue in New York City. I am really enjoying reading it. I can totally picture it as a television series or film. The characters are all very complex and emotional creatures with more money than God and I think they could all translate really well onto film or television. It is really good stuff. I particularly love the fact that a large focus of this book is on the concept of “old money” versus “new money,” which I have always found pretty fascinating. There is one character in particular, Paul Rice, who is on the “new money” side who just has this insane sense of entitlement and simply doesn’t understand why he would ever be denied anything when he has so much money, even amongst all of the “old money” people who have spent years building up their reputations and making connections, etc. Like I said, I just find that whole concept fascinating. I am slowly but surely making my way through this book each day at work and I really enjoy it. It does make me wonder what I would be like if I suddenly came into large sums of money. I like to think that, after so many years of being a “have-not,” I would be able to keep sight of the experiences of my youth and would remain my regular old self and simply become slightly more extravagant. You never know, though. Like that Cyndi Lauper song says, “Money Changes Everything.” It is really fascinating to consider what life would be like on the “other side of the tracks.” I also managed to write my two new songs at work yesterday, which were both pretty decent. Neither was earth shattering or anything. They were both pop/dance songs and both kind of had really sexual undertones to them, which is not something I do TOO frequently. I kind of liked them but, like I said, they weren’t anything mind boggling or anything. I didn’t actually write anything until around 4:30pm, which is considerably later than usual. I normally like to get my writing done first thing in the morning but being my first day back after my vacation time, I spent most of the morning talking with my co-workers and telling them about the wedding, etc. It was a pretty laid back day at work, overall. One thing that did happen, though, was that my fellow evening worker randomly announced that today was his last day. No two week notice or anything, just a sudden, “Hey, I won’t be back tomorrow.” Although I easily could have, I did not allow myself to get overly concerned about it. I decided to just put my faith in the fact that my sister and the rest of our management team would find a way to make it work so I wouldn’t be there alone every evening. As it turns out, thanks to the flexibility of a few of my other co-workers, they did manage to get that done. I really appreciated it, too, because while we haven’t really been busy enough for it to be a major problem it could easily add up to me being stuck there with calls holding every evening, which is not something that I, or my team lead who would be stuck there as well, would really want.

I managed to get out of work on time and so did my sister’s girlfriend, which meant that we were able to make it to my piano lesson slightly early, which is not something that I have been able to do in several weeks. Of course, it would happen that on the day that I made it there early, Viktor would be stuck in another lesson about 15 minutes late. I didn’t go in until 6:45pm but my lesson lasted until 7:30pm. It was a good lesson and Viktor had already assumed I wouldn’t have practiced much so it wasn’t an issue. One thing that was a slight issue, though, was the fact that we began discussing my home keyboard and the fact that it’s keys are not weighted. He began telling me that he felt like I really needed to have a piano but said he wouldn’t recommend buying one. He did state, though, that I should look into getting a keyboard with the full set of keys and with keys that are weighted because he said I wasn’t developing habits as far as hitting the keys properly. I’m just not sure if that’s something I can afford right now. It sucks but I am not exactly in a financial situation where I can manage to go out and buy one of the top-of-the-line, professional keyboards. I suppose if I could manage to save up some money I could get that done but history has shown that I am not great when it comes to saving money. We’ll see, I suppose. It just sucks because I don’t want my keyboard to hold back my progress but up to this point it never seemed like it was. That whole thing was kind of out of left field for me and just added another bit of stress to me in this whole process of learning piano. Viktor said he would look into it and see if he could come up with something that was affordable and of the quality that I need. He kept saying that I “deserve” to have a better piano/keyboard to work with, which I agree with, but I don’t know how realistic a concept it is at this point in time. We’ll see.

After my lesson, my Mom and I went to dinner at Sonny’s Barbecue and didn’t wind up getting home until after 10pm, so when we did get home it was pretty much immediately time to take a pill and get ready for bed. The pill I took didn’t take long at all to kick in and I managed to fall asleep writing this blog. Then I woke up at 6:30am, a whole half hour later than my alarm, and am now kind of rushing because it is 7:30am and I need to be getting into the bathroom to get myself dressed and all made up for the day. This means it is a day to go simple with the makeup and such. So, I’d better go get to it. Have a great day! I know I intend to!

Chapter 215: Family

So, it’s been a crazy past four days. There has been a whole lot going on and the blogs have been posted each night but they were very sad, small excuses for actual blogs. This means that this evening, I’ve kind of got a lot of work to do to catch this thing up. Let’s not waste any time. It all began on Thursday night, although I basically got a full blog out on Thursday. Basically, all that happened on Thursday night was that my Grandma and her friend, Nettie, arrived. We sat up talking for quite a while and it was a lot of fun. As I mentioned in the blog on Thursday night, my Grandma’s friend kind of weirded me out a bit. I feel bad for saying that now because she was really a very nice lady. I just don’t think she was used to being around a lot of different types of people, (i.e., gay people,) and came across a little off-putting to me for a while. She was very nice, though. It was really nice having my Grandma around. My Grandma is really fun because she is basically just like my Mom but a little older and wiser and she has a bit of that “Old World” charm, even though she is actually from California. The only thing I don’t entirely love about my Grandma is the fact that she is a Republican but if she can love me for all of my liberalness, (i.e., gayness,) then I can certainly love her for all of her conservatism. Plus, she is just so cool. It is amazing how well she has held up, as well. She is in her late 70s at this point but you would never know it. She doesn’t come across as that old at all. She doesn’t even look her age. She is a really fascinating woman and is a lot of fun to talk with. It was amazing how much my Mom kind of lit up the whole time she was here. We had a lot of fun hanging out on Thursday night.

On Friday, my Grandma, Nettie, my Mom and I all went to Target, where my brother had registered, to get his wedding gifts. I had already ordered my wedding gift for him the weekend before but I tagged along for the ride just to hang out a little more. After going to Target, we decided to drive over my Mom’s favorite bridge and show them the beach on the other side of it, Lido Beach. Turns out, my Grandma’s friend had never actually been outside of the little cluster of states surrounding Arkansas, so coming to Florida was a pretty big deal for her. She had never seen the ocean before or anything, so it was pretty exciting for her to go out to the beach. We only stayed at the beach for a few minutes then went out to lunch. By the time we got back from lunch, it was pretty late in the afternoon and was getting close to time to go pick up my Aunt JoAnn and cousin Chelsea from the airport in Tampa. I decided not to go along with them for that because there wouldn’t really be room for me and I wanted to go to my sister’s girlfriend’s daughter’s Graduation from High School. It was a little crazy because I hadn’t been to a High School Graduation in nearly 10 years, when my best friend graduated. I had no idea all that was involved in the whole process, or how long it would take. Being here in Florida, attending an outdoor graduation in the month of June is pretty insane. I was really excited, though, to see how much of a crowd showed up for her graduation. We had a whole bunch of people in our little section cheering for her. I was most excited to see my dear old friend, Kessler, who I hadn’t seen in ages. He moved to Tampa last year and I hadn’t seen him or even gotten to talk to him much since then, so it was really good to see that he came down for the graduation. After the graduation ceremony ended, we all went back to my sister’s house for a little after party. It was a lot of fun and gave me a chance to talk with some people I hadn’t really seen much in a while, as well as meeting some cool new people. It was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun and was a shame I had to cut out early. My Mom was text messaging me after a while because I had to wake up at around 5:45am the next morning. The plan had become that my Mom’s boyfriend was going to get up early and drive me down to Fort Myers so I could be there by 9am for the wedding rehearsal. So, I had my sister drive me home where my Mom, her boyfriend, my grandma, her friend, my cousin, Chelsea, and my Aunt JoAnn were waiting. I was really excited to see my Aunt and cousin, and to be reminded of what a fierce diva my Aunt JoAnn is. Truly, she is an inspiration to me in many ways. She is sassy and fun and just a general joy to be around. I stayed up a little later than I should have talking with Chelsea, who I realized I have pretty much everything in common with. As I mentioned in the blog last night, I had never realized that because we hadn’t spent much time together as adults. She is a lot of fun.

The next morning, I managed to get up on time and get myself dressed and made up in time to be out the door by 6:45am. My brother met us in Port Charlotte so my Mom’s boyfriend wouldn’t have to drive as far. We got back into Fort Myers just shortly after 8am and went to my brother’s old apartment where his fiancé was staying to pick up something. When we got there, the bride and her maid of honor were just leaving to go pick up another bridesmaid before heading out to the resort where the wedding was being held. My brother and I stopped to get breakfast from Chick-Fil-A then headed to the resort. I was really impressed with the place when I saw it. It was a really gorgeous location and the beach was a beautiful backdrop for the ceremony. Of course, we realized after being at the location for only a few minutes that it was excessively hot out and would only get worse as the day wore on. We were basically just standing around waiting for people the bulk of the time we were out there for rehearsals. It did give me a chance to hang out with the groomsmen for a little while, which was fun. I had met a couple of them before, at a housewarming party my brother and his girlfriend threw when they bought their house. They were pretty cool guys and I got along with them pretty well. I was concerned initially that it would be kind of awkward hanging out with a bunch of straight guys for the day but we managed to avoid that pretty well. They even changed their clothes in front of me, which I made it a point not to look at because my brother’s friends are kind of hot and I didn’t want to be weird. The other big thing happening that day, which I was slightly nervous about, was seeing my Grandma on my Dad’s side for the first time in about 7 years. I hadn’t even spoken with her in four or five years so I wasn’t expecting it to be a very positive meeting. I wasn’t sure what it would be like, honestly, and that was the part that made me nervous. She, as well as my aunt Kim and her girlfriend, Amber, met us at the rehearsal and it was all well and good. I was kind of making it a point to avoid much conversation with my Grandma and focus more on my newly gay aunt and her girlfriend. Her girlfriend was really nice. I liked her quite a bit. After the rehearsal ended, my brother decided that we should go hang out with that side of the family for a while. My aunt’s girlfriend is a big Jimmy Buffett fan and wanted to go out to Sanibel Island, which is apparently somewhere that he discusses in his music or something like that, (obviously, I am NOT a big Jimmy Buffett fan – I find his music really annoying, for the most part.) So, we went out there. My brother and I decided to stop at one of those silly little shops on the beach to buy some shorts since neither of us had any with us. He managed to find some but this place didn’t have any that would fit me. So, instead I just rolled up my jeans and went out on the beach that way. It wasn’t ideal but it worked out fine. After hanging out with them for a while and taking them out to lunch, we separated from them to go get haircuts and get changed for the wedding. After being out on the beach all morning, we were both in desperate need of a shower. So, we went back to his house and both took showers and got into our fancy, long-sleeved, all black outfits for the wedding. As soon as we left the rehearsals, we were both saying that the long-sleeved black shirts had been a bad idea. Still, it looked really nice. We stopped on the way back to the resort and picked up some beers, since we were going to have to be hanging out there for a while before the wedding. At rehearsals, the wedding photographer had asked us to be back there by 4pm and the wedding didn’t start until 6pm. When we got there we found that there was absolutely no reason for us to be there and basically just wound up hanging out for those 2 hours. Initially, we were hanging out in the suite at the resort that one of the bride’s aunts had gotten them for their wedding night. This suite, by the way, was gorgeous, complete with a Jacuzzi on a balcony overlooking the beach. Eventually, though, we got kicked out of the suite because the bridesmaids and everybody were getting ready in there. Instead, they stuck us in this weird storage room where we had to wait for the rest of the time. A bunch of the bride’s other male family members started pouring into this room, as well, and it was a little mini-party going on in there until the wedding started. The ceremony itself was really beautiful. The groomsmen spent much of the ceremony quietly cracking jokes and I was having a really hard time keeping myself from laughing. After the wedding, the bridal party then had to go off to the other side of the beach for more pictures, while the rest of the guests went in for appetizers and such. For the bridesmaids, this was a pretty involved process, but all of the groomsmen basically sat around getting more and more desperate to go inside, out of the heat, and where there was food and drinks. This took a long time to happen and even once we did get inside, the entire bridal party had to go wait in that storage room again until it was time to do introductions. The introductions were a lot of fun, though. They introduced each bridesmaid and groomsman in pairs, so I was paired with the maid of honor, the bride’s best friend, and we did this really cute twirl when we came out. After we walked out for the introductions, I got to go say hello to all of my family who I didn’t get to before the ceremony while my brother and Brandy, his wife now, had their first dance. I don’t know what anybody else thought of the song they chose for their first dance but my sister, cousin and I all thought it was brilliant – “Miserable” by Lit. It was an absolutely perfect choice for the two of them. I loved it. Then I spent nearly an hour trying to go out and smoke a cigarette but kept getting pulled back inside for more pictures or some other random thing. It was a mess. All of the groomsmen were sick of having pictures taken and even Brandy was getting really pissed off at the photographer. Then, just when I thought I finally had my chance, it was time for the speeches. Now, I hadn’t been nervous at all about my speech prior to this point but suddenly my concept didn’t seem like something that I could really build upon enough to create a good off-the-cuff speech. While we were waiting to begin the speeches, somebody in the room dropped a glass and it made a really loud, crashing sound. Everybody stopped to look and, just being silly, I shouted out “Mazel Tov!” The bridal party got a little kick out of that, so after giving a brief speech about how my brother was always so independent and how surprising it was to be sitting here at his wedding, I ended the whole thing with another “Mazel Tov!” which I think confused most people. The maid of honor then got up and gave this really beautiful speech, where she read notes that Brandy had written her in high school talking about Bobby. She even cried. She really put my Jewy little speech to shame. Still, my brother, all the groomsmen and all of my family that were there told me that they thought my speech was really good. Once the speeches were over, I finally got to go have a cigarette. My sister’s girlfriend came with me and told me about some drama that had gone on involving my Dad’s side of the family and the seating arrangements. At this point, I had eaten and all of my duties were done with, so I decided to start drinking. After about four glasses of White Zinfandel, I was feeling pretty good. Then, I was standing by the bar waiting for another glass when suddenly a gorgeous woman in her 40s popped up behind me and asked me to dance. Turns out, she was a “friend of the family.” She was actually the bride’s aunt but she was a friend of the gay family and she was ready to gay it up. She kept talking about the fact that nobody was dancing and she wanted to get them to, so I was her dance partner for all kinds of good old gay disco and we actually did manage to get other people dancing, as well. I danced a LOT at this wedding, more than I expected I would. It was a lot of fun, though, and my Aunt JoAnn and Chelsea came out on the dance floor with me, as well as some of the bridesmaids and even the bride and her mother. It was a lot of fun. It had been a really long time since I had gone out dancing so this was a really good time for me. I had a lot of fun. Eventually, I wore myself out and all of my family was ready to make the trek back up to Sarasota, so I said my goodbyes to all of the bridal party and such and left. It was a really long day but I had a lot of fun. My brother text messaged me later that night and said thank you for being a part of the wedding, although in much different terms because my brother is a bit of a nerd. It was really sweet of him and I don’t think I realized beforehand exactly how much it meant to him that I was his best man. Like I said before, I was surprised that he even asked me and was very honored to have the opportunity to be there for him. Honestly, I feel like I came out of this weekend a lot closer to both him and Brandy, my new sister-in-law. It was a really great experience overall.

Sunday my brother decided to come up to Sarasota with my Dad’s side of the family so both sides could go out to dinner together. My Mom’s side, however, are not huge fans of my Dad’s side, so it was a little strange and we were all concerned that it would be uncomfortable. It turned out perfectly fine, though, and we managed to avoid any sort of conflict or anything. At Dinner, we managed to sort it out so my cousin Chelsea and I sat by my brother and Brandy, and then our Grandmas and our Mom’s side sat on the other side of them because they hadn’t gotten to really spend any time with them and we all wanted to make sure that the dinner wasn’t monopolized by the other side of the family. It all worked out really well, until that part that I mentioned in Sunday night’s blog about letting it slip to my Grandma on my Dad’s side that I had been out to California twice since moving here without visiting her or any of them. I do feel bad that she is aware of that. I just haven’t had any real desire to see that side of the family since leaving there. I know it sounds bad but it’s just the way I feel. I can’t help it. I believe that our families are the people that we choose to have in our lives and I don’t feel any obligation to people who I don’t choose to have in my life, particularly ones who have been very negative elements for both myself and, even more, my Mother. Still, if this long weekend has left me with anything it is a much stronger sense of family – My Mom’s side of the family and my brother, sister, new sister-in-law and Mom. These are all people who I have chosen to have in my life, regardless of whether or not they are blood to me. Even my best friend, Don, and my friends here in Florida are like family to me. I have chosen a family for myself who I absolutely love and adore. It’s been a great weekend and I am really thankful for every bit of it. It has all left me with a much greater feeling than I had before – I feel a LOT less alone in this world.

There are other issues that I have been wanting to discuss here, like the pictures I have seen from the wedding and how unhappy I am with my looks in them, as well as some more frivolous stuff, like the world premiere of Lady Gaga’s new video, “Alejandro,” and the leak of the new Sarah McLachlan album, “Laws Of Illusion,” but this will all have to be saved for another day. I am getting this blog done early tonight so I can watch the season finale of “Glee,” which I’m sure I will wind up discussing tomorrow, as well as a brand new Kathy Griffin special airing tonight, called “Kathy Does The Bible Belt.” So, having the blog done early will allow me to stay up to watch these things and still be in bed on time to return to my real, everyday life tomorrow. I am not entirely looking forward to it but I will survive. So, it is kind of early but I will simply say what I always say at the end of these blogs: Goodnight.

Chapter 214: Chelsea

So, tonight I am writing the blog from my Mom's laptop instead of my phone, which is a very good thing. I am still going to keep it brief, though, because the laptop is an improvement but still not the best environment for writing out a full-length blog like I usually do. I'm just not entirely in the mood still because I know that, in order to cover everything that I need to cover, I would be here for several hours. I don't want to be awake for several hours tonight because I don't like the laptop that much and am not very comfortable in any position that I have found to use the laptop in. So, once again, I'm going to keep it short. I did want to touch on one of the many topics I have to discuss about this weekend, though. As you all know, we've had family staying at our house all weekend. Most of these family members are people that we haven't seen in a very long time or don't get to see very often, so it has been really cool to get a chance to reconnect with them all. One person who I hadn't seen in an extremely long time is my cousin, Chelsea. I don't recall any time in my adult life where I have actually been around her for an extended period but I do have many memories of her as a child. As I remember it, we never really got along all that well, although we were very nearly the same age and kind of into the same things. We lived something like 2 hours apart for most of our lives but, in the hustle and bustle of our parents' everyday lives, never really had all that much opportunity to get to know each other. Over the course of this weekend, though, I suddenly came to realize that Chelsea and I have everything in common. We have very similar interests, similar belief systems and spent the entire weekend having tons of those classic "Me, too!" moments. It was really kind of a wonderful surprise to me. It felt really nice over the course of this weekend to have somebody around who was like-minded and who I could talk to about all of the silly, frivolous, fun things the people I hang out with here have no interest in. We were both discussing the fact that it sucks that we don't live closer to one another because we both agreed that we would definitely hang out and party together, etc. It really is a shame because I could definitely use somebody like her in my day-to-day life. My Mom and I extended the invitation to her to come back any time, whether she brings our Aunt along or not, just to hang out with us. One of my favorite parts of this whole weekend and family visits, etc., was getting a chance to get to know my cousin, Chelsea, a little bit better. I am definitely going to make it a point, moving forward, to keep in touch with her better than I have in the past and have every intention of trying to make it a point to get together more in the future. In any sense, as I mentioned before, I need to get to bed and will actually write my extra-length blog mega-post detailing this insane, long, hectic weekend tomorrow. As wonderful as it has been having family here and everything, I am honestly really excited for the last ones to clear out tomorrow morning so I can sleep in my bed and smoke inside the apartment again. This has been my main complaint about this weekend - smoking has been really inconvenient and I haven't really smoked much at all because I have been having to go outside and it is disgusting out there. My second complaint, which may be even bigger than the first one, is that I have been out in the sun far too much over the past few days. It has been a really good thing in the sense that it has made my face this really gorgeous golden brown color but absolutely terrible because it has caused me to break out like mad. I haven't been wearing any makeup on my face or anything like that over the past few days, so I know that isn't the cause of the issue. The only thing that has changed is that I have been out in the sun and on the beach these past few days and the breakout has gotten worse each day that I was on the beach. It's filthy. I hate it. At the same time, though, I really want to keep the golden brown look for the summer. I am going to have to figure out some sort of product that achieves this look for me without all of the sunshine involved. Okay, for now, it is time for bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 213: Family Portrait

Once again, keeping it brief tonight. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I will be doing a blog megapost on Tuesday to fully discuss everything that has gone on in the past few days. Right now, though, I don't have access to an actual computer &, while typing a full-length blog could certainly be done on my phone, it definitely seems like more hassle than it would be worth. Therefore, I am just supplying these mini-updates until I get my actual computer back. As great as it has been having the family here, I am definitely looking forward to returning to my regularly scheduled program. Still, this weekend has been great. I have really enjoyed all of it. I even almost made it through the entire visit without upsetting my conservative, right-wing, Christian-eccentric Grandma, (the one who I was concerned I might come into some drama with.) I held my tongue through a few different things that irked me & was so close to avoiding any issues when I accidentally let slip the fact that I have been out to California twice since living here & didn't bother to go visit their town or them, specifically, either time. I do feel bad for hurting her feelings, definitely, but I don't feel bad at all for the fact that it happened. It's kind of funny and kind of sad to me that anybody would expect anything different. After all, I haven't spoken to her or anybody else on that side of my family in several years - wouldn't you assume that this was the result of a conscious decision on my part? If not, let me clear that up - EVERYTHING I do is the result of a conscious decision on my part. I mean, not everything stems from an entirely conscious decision but everything does spawn from some decision I've made. In all honesty, even accidentally letting this information slip out was probably the result of an internal decision of mine. I think, subconsciously, I probably wanted to hurt her feelings. I know that sounds awful and I'm not going to try to justify it here. I mean, I have spent a very long time harboring a certain amount of resentment towards that woman because of what an oppressive force she was in my teen years, as well as the horrible things she has done to my Mother, some of which is still having a pretty severe financial impact on my Mom. I don't look back on the years I spent with her with any form of fondness. At the same time, though, I have no problem making people feel uncomfortable or outraged or anything like that, but I definitely try to avoid hurting people's feelings - even if those people have done much worse to me. What's done is done, though, I suppose. It's been a really long day but very fun. I will talk more about today's events on Tuesday. For now, though, I am exhausted. Goodnight.

Chapter 212: Miserable

Okay, so once again I am keeping it short tonight, as it is currently 2:40am and I have been running all day long on about 3.5 hours of sleep. I have also been awake for nearly 24 hours now, so I am feeling pretty ready for bed. Still, I have to say that it was a really great day. I woke up this morning at 5:45am in order to be up & ready to head out of town by 6:45am. I didn't have time for a whole hell of a lot in that hour before leaving, beyond getting dressed, "putting my face on," as my grandma would put it, and eating a very small, quick breakfast. I left the house at 6:45am when my Mom's boyfriend showed up to get me. Once I got down to Fort Myers, my day of wedding insanity began. I am not going to go into details about but needless to say, it was a pretty fun time all around. I met a lot of new people, many of whom I really liked a lot, like all of my fellow groomsmen and many of the bridesmaids. I also wound up spending much of the day with my Dad's side of our family, which was interesting and wound up being completely different than I had expected. I will detail all of this in the blog on Tuesday, once family is gone & I am able to focus a little better on the task at hand. I am passing out here. Goodnigh

Chapter 211: Graduation (Friends Forever)

Okay, so I am going to keep the blog VERY short tonight for a couple of reasons. First of all, it is currently 1:18am and my alarm is set for 5:45am. I don't like those numbers much at all & need to make sure that the majority of that time is spent sleeping. You see, because the rehearsal dinner for my brother's wedding was cancelled, I am now having to be in Fort Myers, which is about 90 minutes away, by 9am to rehearse before the wedding. That is just fine, though, except for the fact that we initially thought rehearsal would be at 11am and the plan was for the whole family to drive down and spend the day there. This was a good plan. Now that we know that the rehearsal is at 9am, though, that plan has gone out the wibdow. Instead, my Mom's boyfriend is going to drive me down there at 6:45am and everybody else will come down later in the day. This would be an okay plan, except for the fact that my Dad's side of the family are going to be down there, as well, leaving me to face them without any backup, aside from my brother, who thinks it's silly of me to dislike and not want to associate with them. So, we'll see how it goes. I'll just have to put my best face forward & hope for the best. The rehearsal being moved wound up being a pretty great thing, tho, because it meant that I was here in town for my sister's girlfriend's daughter's graduation! As much as it doesn't really hold any sentimental value to me seeing people graduate, since I never did, it certainly makes me feel old seeing this particular person do it. It just doesn't seem like all that long ago that I was hanging out with this 14 year old "stepniece" of mine & all of a sudden, she is an adult & finishing high school. Where the fuck did all that time go? Despite the ridiculously hot weather, scary bleachers, cheesy student speeches, etc. It was really a lot of fun & I was really glad that I got to be there for it. After the graduation, everybody headed back to my sister's house & had a little afterparty. This leads to the second reason for keeping this short - I've been drinking. I didn't drink all THAT much but enough that I still need to sleep it off a bit. It was a lot of fun, though, & I got to meet some cool new people. I also got to spend some much needed chill time with my sister & her family, which is always good. Best of all, I got to hang out with my friend Kessler, who I hadn't seen in several months. It was really nice to have a little time to catch up with him. Oh, there is a third reason I need to keep this short. The fierce diva that is my Aunt JoAnn is in the next room & has already given me a stern "you need to get to bed." My aunt JoAnn is one of those women you just don't disagree with. She is awesome. So is my cousin Chelsea, who sat up & talked with me for a little while earlier. I love the family that's here right now. I'm really excited to see them all. Tomorrow? Totally not ready for that family. Should be interesting. For now, though, it is only this: Goodnight.

Chapter 210: Alejandro

I have to be honest with you all, my loyal readers. This blog is going to be a little destitute over the next five days or so. I mean, I will still be updating every day, business as usual, but I will likely not be writing anywhere near as much as I do on an average day. It’s going to be a little hectic around here moving forward, with family coming in and the wedding taking place and all that type of stuff. It is all really exciting and should be a lot of fun but it does make it a little difficult to maintain the whole daily blog thing. I am going to work it out, though. I am currently typing this from my living room on my Mom’s laptop, which will likely be the epicenter of blog updates for the next few days. My bedroom is now being occupied by my maternal grandmother, Carmen, and her friend who came along with her, Nettie, who arrived a little earlier this evening. Let’s start a little earlier than that, though.

I woke up late this morning, at nearly 6:45am. I had already planned on not working out this morning, so it worked out okay waking up late. Still, it made for an odd kind of morning. I decided to try something a little different with makeup today and attempted to recreate Kylie Minogue’s super shimmery white eye makeup from the “All The Lovers” video but it didn’t really work out because I put on way too much eyeliner. I didn’t really like the look of my makeup today but by the time I finished, it was too late to change it. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great, either. I think the issue was with the fact that this was a single eye shadow look and I didn’t add anything in the crease area to give my eyes extra definition, so I felt like my eyes just looked really small and flattened out, if that makes any sense. I just wasn’t very happy with it. Oh well, though. When I got to work, I was still feeling pretty groggy. I didn’t sleep the best last night, in spite of the fact that I slept too late today. I spent most of the day feeling really sleepy and struggling to keep myself awake. I tried various different ways to keep myself entertained, like playing sudoku or drawing, but nothing seemed to do the trick. Still, the day didn’t seem to take THAT long to pass. It felt long but it didn’t feel any longer than any other day, so I suppose that is an improvement on a lot of days recently.

One thing that has been plaguing my days recently is the weather here in Florida. Summer doesn’t officially start until June 21 but it is already feeling like a horribly hot summer. I hate it. I am really irritated with the weather already because it creates all kinds of inconvenience for me, particularly in terms of perspiration. It causes my makeup to lose it’s effect, causes me to take all kinds of extra precautions to avoid negative smells, etc. It is really annoying. I really hate the heat here and every summer here makes me miss California, where it was also hot but it was a dry heat and didn’t leave you feeling wet and sticky from the moment you step outside of your house. Florida is really a shitty place for a lot of different reason but the weather may be the worse of all of those reasons. I shouldn’t be so negative, though. Sarasota is a beautiful city, full of amazing culture and art and such. It is really a great place where we live and I really do like it a lot… it just also happens to be really shitty. It’s one of those things where I only talk about how horrible this place is because I have lived in a place that is much better and constantly compare it to that. I need to get back to California eventually. Not anytime soon, though.

I did wind up writing two new songs at work again today. Much like yesterday, the first one came out really quick and easy and just kind of flowed from me as if it were building up inside of me for ages and just had to make it’s way out somehow. Also like yesterday, the second song was a more difficult to get out. I didn’t work on the second one for quite as long as the second one from yesterday, though, and I actually felt about a million times better about this one than I did about the one from yesterday. Both of the songs today were very dance-oriented, which I was very excited about, especially the first one, which is called “Victims.” “Victims” is basically a song about questioning whether or not your relationships are organic or if you are “just victims of coincidence.” I was really excited by that concept because I am a firm believer in doing everything you can to create an organic experience for yourself in life but I also realize how easy it is to simply fall into patterns in our lives and not even recognize the fact that the things surrounding us are not things that we have chosen for ourselves. I liked it. It was very Gaga meets Kylie, which makes sense because they have both been some of my most frequently listened to music over the past couple of weeks.

After work, I came home and practiced piano for a little over 30 minutes then lied on my bed for a few minutes. I didn’t realize it until after the fact that I wasn’t there for a few minutes at all but I had actually fallen asleep for a little over an hour. I was really tired after I left work. I am still really tired, actually. My Mom’s boyfriend made dinner and then fell asleep pretty early, while my Mom and I waited up for her Mom to arrive. She finally got here just before 11pm and we all sat here and talked for a while. I could tell that my Mom was really happy and excited to have her Mom here. I was very happy, as well, although there is something about my grandma’s friend Nettie that makes me a little uncomfortable. I don’t know what it is exactly but I just don’t get a very positive vibe off of her. I’m probably just making snap judgments, though, which I really know better than to do. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman. It is really excited that I have my grandma here, though, and my aunt and cousin will be arriving tomorrow. It is all going to be a lot of fun, I think. In the meantime, though, it is after 2am right now and I really need to get to sleep. The couch awaits… Goodnight.

Chapter 209: Fireworks

So, it was a long day. I pretty well expected it would be when I went to bed last night. I fell asleep very shortly after 1am and had one of those nights where it felt like I didn’t sleep at all. You know, those nights where it really seems like there wasn’t a lapse in time at all? It was as if I just closed my eyes, opened them and found it was suddenly morning. I hate that type of night. I felt really groggy when I woke up and, honestly, had already decided that I wasn’t going to work out this morning. I used that time, instead, to practice piano. It was really pointless considering the fact that I didn’t practice the new piece, since I don’t understand it very well. When I spoke with Viktor on Monday, he told me to just continue practicing the pieces from before so that is what I did. I couldn’t help but feel like a little bit of a failure, though, because I have both of the previous pieces down already. They are not what I need to be practicing. I mean, I do need to continue practicing them so I can perfect them but my focus really needs to be on the new piece. So, that wasn’t the best start to the morning. I ate some Golden Grahams for breakfast then headed into the bathroom to get dressed and do my hair and makeup. This also didn’t go very well. The outfit I wore today was slightly uncomfortable. I wore these jeans that I found while cleaning out my closet and hadn’t worn in a very long time. I realized after wearing them for a little bit that the reason I didn’t wear them regularly anymore was because they are too big and fit really awkwardly. These jeans have the opposite problem from most of my jeans lately. The shirt I wore with them also didn’t feel good. I kept pulling at it in several different directions. To make matters worse, my makeup fell flat very quickly today. I put on way too much blush and felt like I looked a little ridiculous, (that whole “stage makeup” thing I discussed last week,) so I put on a bunch of powder to downplay it and then the powder wound up looking kind of cakey. Plus, my eye shadow looked non-existent. I did what I thought was a very cool look with my MAC Brule, as well as a frosty blue color and a dark brown, which matched the shirt I was wearing. It didn’t take me long to notice, though, that the blue seemed to fade out completely and the brown in the crease added dimension to my eyes but was barely visible as a color. It was a very natural look, I suppose, but it did not go well with my caked on powder and too much blush. Basically, I spent the day feeling like I looked a hot mess.

Work felt really long today. One of my co-workers called in sick, leaving me alone for the last hour of the day. I was really concerned about this because of the fact that my piano lesson was tonight and I didn’t want to get stuck there late. I may have made a few less than positive comments about the guy and I felt really bad about it but it is really irritating, especially considering he has done this a few other times recently. I generally don’t have much of an opinion on other people’s actions, in terms of the workplace, but when it directly affects my job it becomes personal to me and I get frustrated easily. Still, I feel really bad speaking negatively about others. It flows from me so easily but it is never without a certain amount of guilt. I need to work on that a lot. I have a really bad tendency to speak before I actually think things through. I need to work on that really badly. This weekend will be a really good practice in that, with my family from California coming to town. My sister seems slightly concerned that I am going to say or do something crazy to shock them. I’m not going to lie I am slightly concerned about that, too. I know I have enough self-restraint to not be horrible or cruel to them but I am also not going to limit my personality or persona. They can take it or leave it. I mean, I am going to do minimal makeup for the wedding but the dinner or whatever we are doing the following day is going to be business as usual for me. After all, this is family and if I can’t show them my authentic self who can I show it to? Like my new favorite quote from RuPaul says, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” That is exactly how I feel. I have to do what makes me happy, regardless of what anybody else thinks of it. So, that is exactly what I intend to do while my family is here. Honestly, I don’t really feel like there is another option. My mouth, on the other hand, is something that I can and should keep under control. I will look the way that I want to and say the things that I want to say but I just need to think about them before I go ahead and say them to make sure they aren’t going to hurt anybody’s feelings.

Despite not working out this morning, I did manage to complete one of my tasks for the day – I wrote two new songs at work. The first one came out really easily and I think was really good. The second one, on the other hand, I spent a good portion of the day working on and I wasn’t very happy with. It was called “Nothing’s Coming Out,” and it was basically a song about not being able to write a song. It was a dorky concept, in the first place, but I pushed forward with it and I like the general feel of the song. There was just something about it that really irritated me. I just kept trying and trying and coming up with stuff that really sucked. I also tossed it aside several times and tried to start writing other songs but they all came out even worse than the original one. So, the concept definitely came from a genuine place. I just don’t know what it was about the song that really didn’t rub me the right way. I hate when that happens. You push yourself and push yourself to get something out and then it just never manages to feel quite right. It wound up being really busy for me today, though, so I didn’t really have a lot of time to get any creative work done. My friends who sit by me were also a lot less talkative than usual. We all were talking about how tired we were, so I think that probably had a lot to do with it. It just felt like the workday took forever to pass. That last hour, when I was there by myself, was the part that passed the quickest, though. It probably has to do with the fact that I was taking non-stop calls during that time. Fortunately, I got off of my last call right around 5:51pm or so, and no others came in. It was as if the Universe was working in my favor, which makes sense because it is. I say it all the time and this is just further evidence of it. After work, my sister was waiting downstairs for her girlfriend and I. Then we headed down to the Allegro Academy. All the way there, we were discussing the events of the upcoming weekend, as well as the fact that when we leave work tomorrow evening, none of us have to go back until Tuesday of next week. I am just really excited to get tomorrow over with and have five days away from that place. I know I just had four days but they weren’t enough. I know I won’t be relaxing on any of these days off, except maybe Tuesday of next week, but I am still looking forward to it all. I get to see my family, my Mom’s side, and I really can’t wait.

When I arrived at the Allegro Academy Viktor was standing outside talking to some people, and greeted me immediately. We went into the school and started discussing the troubles I was having with the new piece. I explained that it was really complicated for me to figure out and I was having a lot of trouble figuring out the fingering on this piece, etc. He broke it down for me in a much simpler way than he did last week, which was really helpful. After tonight’s lesson I feel like this piece may wind up working out really well for me. I said last week that I really loved the piece – it is absolutely gorgeous and is incredibly melodic. I love it. I really want to be able to play it. After tonight’s lesson, I feel like I will be able to eventually. It is still going to take a lot of work. Viktor did offer me the option of abandoning this one but I really didn’t want to. I think it could work out really well for me. Plus, like he said last week, he selected this piece for me specifically because he felt like it would be useful in teaching me how to write music, as well as play it. There are a lot of the very difficult lessons of piano hidden in this piece, so it will be good to get those over with and be able to move forward with playing and writing, hopefully. After the lesson, I walked down to Circle K or 7-11 and bought myself an iced coffee and a candy bar, then sat down on a bus bench to wait for my Mom. It was really hot out today and as I sat there I started feeling really strange. I was getting kind of nauseous and light-headed. It was strange. It just hit me really suddenly. Once my Mom picked me up and we got home I still felt a little ill for a while but it eventually went away. When I got home I sat down in front of the computer and ate a tuna sandwich and watched “Death At A Funeral.” I wasn’t sure what to expect from this movie because I am really not a fan of Martin Lawrence and, although I have a lot of respect for Chris Rock, I have never been a big fan of his brand of humor. Still, I was really impressed with this movie. It was a lot of fun and had a lot of really laugh out loud moments. I was also very impressed with the fact that it had a pretty serious gay sub-plot and never once made it out to be a bad thing, as many comedies have had a tendency to do in the past. It was never judgmental or disrespectful of gay people, although it definitely played on a lot of stereotypes for jokes. Of course, I am not one of those people who take offense or find it a bad thing to play off of stereotypes for jokes, as long as you aren’t just making a mockery of it. Anyway, it was a very good movie and I definitely recommend checking it out.

So, it is 12:15am and I need to get to bed pretty quickly. Before I do, though, I did just want to mention one last thing – I am currently listening to the new album, “Thank Me Later,” by the rapper Drake. I’ll admit I can’t speak with much authority on the topic of rap music. I do listen to my fair share of hip-hop and R&B but typically tend to shy away from full-blown rap music. Still, I decided to check out Drake’s album because I was a very big fan of his when he was just Aubrey Graham, playing Jimmy on “Degrassi: The Next Generation.” Plus, there has been a LOT of hype surrounding this kid. After listening to this album, I have to say that the hype is well deserved. It is a really solid album and doesn’t really include a single “skip-worthy” song. There are definitely some standout tracks, though, including “Shut It Down,” which features The-Dream, “Fancy,” featuring T.I. and Swizz Beats, the first single from this record, “Over,” which is a really powerful track that I found myself incredibly inspired by when I first heard it, and my favorite, the album opener, “Fireworks.” “Fireworks” features Alicia Keys, who I absolutely love, and is a very powerful song about moving up in the world and kind of blowing up, like fireworks. It is a hot song. He makes hip-hop music in a very different way than your average rapper and really puts an emphasis on having really powerful instrumentation on every song, as well as a hot beat. I couldn’t be more impressed with this album and definitely recommend it to anybody, hip-hop fan or not. The other thing I really like about this album is that it seems to have a recurring theme of songs about moving up and trying to make a place for yourself in this world, which is a message that I can definitely relate to. It is a very positive message to be spreading and it is inspiring to see somebody in the position that he is in really doing his part to inspire others to try to make something great of their lives, as well. Plus, there are tons of really upbeat songs to dance to. So, really, it’s kind of perfect. I love it. Also, it helps that Drake is sexy as hell, but that doesn’t really affect his musical abilities. It does make his videos nicer, though. In any sense, I need to get to bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 208: Work To Do

Today was the last day of my four-day weekend and, unfortunately, I have to go back to work tomorrow. I am definitely not looking forward to it, either. I know, I know… I only have to go back tomorrow and Thursday then I am off again for five more days. Still, after the past four days it is going to be rough going back there tomorrow. It won’t be that bad, I’m sure. I am hoping that these next two days will kind of feel like what Monday has felt like for me these past couple of weeks – like it isn’t even really a part of the week. I am really keeping my fingers crossed that the next two days will pass really quickly. One cool thing about the next two days, though, is that I kind of have something to look forward to each night. Wednesdays have long been my favorite day of the week because I have something that I am really excited about after work – my piano lesson! That is still the case for tomorrow. Thursday will be kind of the same because I know that when I leave work I won’t have to go back until the following Wednesday and my Grandma will be arriving sometime Thursday evening, as well. So, I have plenty to be excited about both of those nights. That should make both of those days pass a little easier. Also, tomorrow I need to make it a point to write two new songs at work, as I have made my daily task for each workday. I didn’t do that on Thursday or Friday last week and didn’t write anything over the weekend, so I really need to get back to it tomorrow. I also didn’t work out at all over the long weekend, so I really need to make it a point to do that for the next two days. I know I won’t be doing it while my family is here staying with us, so I need to make sure to get that in the next two days. I really should have done it yesterday or today but I can’t change that now. So, both tomorrow and Thursday workouts are a must.

One thing I am kind of excited about, as far as going back to work, is the process of getting ready in the morning. Not the entire process but the putting on makeup and getting dressed and such. I don’t know what it is exactly but for some reason I really love the process of getting ready to leave the house. I enjoy trying to make myself look my best. I have a lot of fun with it but find it kind of pointless if I’m not getting ready to go somewhere or something. That’s not entirely true. Oftentimes, I will do makeup and such when I am just sitting at home because I want to try out a new look or something along those lines. I did that today, actually. I discussed in last night’s blog the Victoria’s Secret eye shadow palette I am really wanting to get but to resist the temptation to just order it from their website, I decided to try to recreate a look I could do with it using products I already have. This project was a failure because I don’t have a green quite like the one in that palette but I did use a couple of greens in my NYX S104 palette that I had never used before and really liked. Plus, the makeup look I did with these colors was really cute. I liked it a lot and fully intend to use it sometime when I am actually leaving the house. Green is definitely one of my colors for summer. In fact, the new design of the blog incorporates all of my colors for summer, which are pinks, greens and golden and bronze tones. I have been trying to work in these types of shades lately and it has been going really well. The blog is just a reflection of that because I absolutely love the new look of it. I think it’s gorgeous and I hope anybody who reads this blog regularly agrees.

Today was a pretty good day overall. Unlike the last few days, today was actually a really productive day. My Mom gave me a few different tasks that she wanted me to get done today. These tasks included scrubbing down the walls of my shower, scrubbing my toilet, cleaning the mirrors in my bathroom, clearing out my hamper, taking out all of the trash in the house and clearing off all the unnecessary shit on our coffee table. When I woke up this morning, at 10am, I found my Mom up and cleaning, even though she had to go to work at 11:30am. I went to bed pretty late last night, so waking up at 10am I was feeling really groggy and needed a little time to wake up before I did much of anything. Of course, I got up and immediately went through my normal morning routine of washing my face and brushing my teeth, followed by coffee and a cigarette. I sat there and talked to my Mom for a while as she cleaned and then got ready for work. Once she left the house, I finished watching today’s episode of “The View,” then immediately went to work on my bathroom. I did the mirrors first because that seemed like the simplest task. Then I went to scrubbing down my shower and toilet, which was considerably more work. Clearing out the hamper was pretty easy, considering the fact that a lot of the stuff at the bottom of the hamper had somehow mildewed and I just threw it away. When I finished with the bathroom, I decided to take a little break from cleaning. I really have no recollection of what I did with that time but I assume I was watching makeup tutorials on YouTube or something. That has become a bit of an obsession for me, honestly. There is a lot of inspiration to be found from girls on You Tube. I am especially inspired by the professionals that take the time out of their lives to make these videos to show other people how to do things right or create different looks and such. I think that is a really cool thing to do. I have been thinking about making my own makeup tutorial but I don’t really feel like I am good enough at it yet to try to teach others. Eventually, though, I will probably start trying to do that. After this break, I was inspired to go ahead and try the makeup look I mentioned putting together earlier, with the greens.

After I finished that, I sat down on the couch because it was almost time for my Mom to come home for her lunch break. When she did she was on the phone with her boyfriend. She did take the time to look at my bathroom, though, and was very pleased with my work in there. After she left I went ahead and gathered up all of the trash in the house and took it out. I also got my laundry that had been sitting in the kitchen since it was finished and put it all away. I spent quite a while dealing with the clothes in my bedroom. I have officially gotten my bedroom all sorted out, though, which is a very good thing. By the time I finished with all of that it was already nearly 7pm and I still needed to make dinner. My Mom and I had discussed this morning and decided that I should make spaghetti for dinner. So, I started that just after 7pm and while it was cooking I finished clearing off all the unnecessary stuff from the coffee table and got it looking presentable.

I also spoke with my brother earlier today. I had called him to ask about what time I needed to be there on Saturday. They are doing things a little differently than you see for most weddings by doing rehearsal the morning of the wedding instead of the night before. What makes this so unusual is that, traditionally, the rehearsal is the day before so that the bride and groom can separate at that time and then don’t see each other the day of the wedding. It seems as though they are going really traditional with most things for the wedding so I was surprised to hear that they were doing this differently. It’s not a big deal, though because it means that I don’t have to go down to Fort Myers until the day of the wedding. This minimizes the amount of time I have to spend with my Dad’s side of the family, which is a pretty good thing. Of course, it is already planned that my brother is bringing that side of the family up to Sarasota the day after the wedding and we are going to do a big dinner with both sides of the family. I’m not entirely looking forward to that but I figure I will just make it a point to sit next to my sister’s girlfriend because she and I are both really good at entertaining ourselves by sitting off to the side and talking shit about people. The whole thing is making me pretty anxious, though. I am just ready to get the part where I have to deal with that side of the family over with. My Mom’s side of the family, on the other hand, couldn’t get here fast enough. I am really excited to see them. I am really excited for this whole weekend, actually. I think it is going to be a lot of fun.

I am slightly concerned with the fact that there may be rain on Friday. You see, my sister’s girlfriend’s daughter is graduating high school on Friday. The school made the announcement a while ago that if it rains on Friday then they are going to push the ceremony to Saturday. This can’t happen. If it does, that means that my sister will be staying here in Sarasota to attend that instead of going to my brother’s wedding and I just feel like that would be a very bad thing. I can definitely understand it because her girlfriend’s daughter is like her own child but I know that everybody would be disappointed if she wasn’t at the wedding. Plus, I was hoping to go to the graduation, as well, but I definitely can’t if it gets pushed back to Saturday. I am holding tight to my faith that everything will work out in a way that doesn’t allow for my sister to not be at the wedding. Therefore, the Universe will prevent the rain from coming on Friday. Hopefully it will prevent the rain from coming on Saturday, as well. Rain on your wedding day, after all, would suck. It’s not ironic but it does suck. I have faith, though, that this wedding will go off without a hitch. I am really excited for it all to go down. In the meantime, it is now 12:05am and I absolutely must get to bed. I have to be up at 6am tomorrow. I have to be alert when I do, as well, so I am all primed and ready to workout and get myself ready for the day. I am also exhausted. It was a really long but really productive day. My Mom’s boyfriend is arriving tomorrow to get all prepped for the weekend and such so I decided to download a movie to watch tomorrow night while they’re doing their thing out in the living room. I decided on the new remake of “Death At A Funeral,” mainly because James Marsden is in it and I adore him. I also have heard really good things about this one, as well as the original. I am not at all a fan of Martin Lawrence’s brand of humor, so my hopes aren’t too high for this one but I figure it is worth a shot. For now, though, it is time to go to bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 207: Few Days Down

This weekend has been a very good thing for me, I think. I feel so much more relaxed and laid back than I have in a while, which is a really amazing thing to be feeling right now. It seems like I have allowed my workplace and all the mess that comes along with it to leave me feeling really tense and fucked up recently. This step away has been a really great thing for improving that. Of course, it isn’t anywhere near being over yet. Sure, I have to go back to work on Wednesday and Thursday but then I have five more days off. I am looking forward to that but I am also aware that those days off won’t be like these past few have been. They will be jam-packed with family and wedding stuff. They will be fun but I don’t really foresee them being overly relaxing. They’ll definitely be more relaxing than work, though, so that will be a good thing. That is a large part of why I used so much of this past weekend to just relax and zone out at home. Saturday I went out and spent some time with my dear friends Whitney, Nate, April & Devin, which was a lot of fun and I was really happy about it because I hadn’t gotten together with them in a really long time. Still, I did absolutely nothing productive on Sunday. Today wasn’t a very productive day, either. I mean, I finished up the cleaning that needed doing in my bedroom and it is pretty much entirely ready for company. Sure, it could be perfected further but I don’t really feel like it needs to be perfect. There is still work to be done in my bathroom, though, as well as some stuff to do in the living room and kitchen. I intend to use tomorrow completely for finishing up everything. It’s mainly a lot of little things that need to be done, like cleaning my bathroom mirror, scrubbing my toilet and the walls in my shower. This is all stuff that I can absolutely get done tomorrow. I just can’t allow myself to do what I did today, which was allow myself to be distracted by random outside things like the television.

Yes, I wound up watching quite a bit of television today. Much like how I spent Sunday finishing off the season of “The Vampire Diaries,” which I kind of stopped watching months ago, I did the same thing today with the series “Parenthood.” “Parenthood” was a new mid-season replacement series for NBC this season, which is not a network I watch very often, but I was kind of drawn in by the cast of this series, particularly it’s “lead character” played by Lauren Graham, who I have always had a weird thing for. The series centers on four adult siblings all dealing with their own different issues in life, involving their children and marriages and such. I am not doing a very good job of explaining this but it is a really great show. I was very impressed with the pilot episode and kind of made it a point to set my DVR to record the series. However, as with many other TV shows, I kind of stopped watching after a few episodes. So, I spent a large portion of today catching up on that. It was really good, too, although that time really could have been spent in a much more productive way. I mean, I did finish off the cleaning of my bedroom and got my laundry out of the kitchen and put away, so it’s not like I didn’t do anything at all. I just didn’t do enough. This became painfully clear when my Mom arrived home from work this evening. I saw her briefly this morning when she came home before heading to work and again for a very brief time when she came home for her lunch break. Still, when she got home from work she was in a very sour mood and immediately became really upset with me for not having done enough cleaning today. It was really not a positive situation and I became very defensive about it. I told her I would get everything done tomorrow and she was pissed off that I put it all off until my last day off before her mother arrives on Thursday evening because that means that if I don’t get it done tomorrow I won’t really have another chance. I really felt like she was overreacting to the whole thing and I assured her that I would get it ALL done tomorrow and that she doesn’t need to worry about it. It was awkward for a minute then she transitioned into telling me about a situation with her boyfriend that pissed her off. I couldn’t help but feel like the one had to do with the other much more than it would seem, in general. Shortly after that, she got a phone call from her boyfriend and went into the other room and I sat on the couch stewing a bit and watching “The Bachelorette,” which I randomly stumbled into watching last week and just decided to go with again this week. It’s really stupid, though.

I spoke with Viktor this afternoon about the piece he gave me to work on and just told him that it is really confusing to me. He was in the middle of something so he was kind of rushed but he told me to continue working on trying to tighten up the previous pieces and do as much as I can figure out with the new piece and he may have a different one for me on Wednesday. I don’t necessarily want to give up on this piece I just don’t really understand it. It seems like the notes are all really far apart and I am having to stretch my hand in really odd and uncomfortable ways. When he played the piece for me last week I don’t recall seeing him doing any of that strange stretching, which tells me I must have gotten something wrong in reading this one. Still, it is a beautiful piece and I would like to try to move forward with it, if possible. We’ll see. Since he was in the middle of something I decided not to broach the topic of payment with him. Like I mentioned in last night’s blog, I didn’t really feel like it would be appropriate to discuss with him, anyway. So, a little later in the afternoon I decided to call the Allegro Academy itself and try to find out anything I could about the topic of delaying payment. The girl that works at the front desk told me that I could either wait and just pay the late payment fee at the time or that I could come in and pay for my individual lessons for the next two weeks and then pay for the rest after I have been paid again. I am kind of leaning towards the second option, or paying for two weeks when I go on Wednesday this week and then paying for the remaining three lessons this month after I get my next paycheck. That would be a good way to make the whole thing a little less shocking to me, financially, right now. I don’t know what I’m going to do exactly but I do know that whatever I choose, this is a really big relief to me. It really takes a huge burden off of my shoulders right now. Of course, I have this fucked up thing going on in my head where I am already thinking about ordering this really awesome mineral eye shadow palette I saw at Victoria’s Secret over the weekend since I’m not going to be entirely broke. That is ridiculous, though, and of course I am not actually going to do it. I will wait until after I have been paid again, at least. It is a really gorgeous palette, though. Victoria’s Secret has a lot more makeup than I realized and it is actually really good stuff, too. This shouldn’t be surprising considering the fact that the Christian Siriano shadows I have from them are amazing. I guess I always attributed that to Christian Siriano more than to Victoria’s Secret. I figure, if I wait until I get paid again I can order more than just the one palette and play around with some of their other stuff, as well. Still, buying more makeup should be the last thing on my mind right now. This is some sort of malfunction I have in my head, apparently. I just don’t know when to stop.

After fighting with my Mom for a bit earlier and stewing over it for a while when she was in the other room talking to her boyfriend, eventually she came back out and was in much better spirits than she had been before. We talked for a little while and watched a rerun of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” before she went off to bed. I also made her come into the bedroom so we could get on YouTube and watch the premiere of the brand new music video from Kylie Minogue, “All The Lovers.” “All The Lovers” is one of Kylie’s most gorgeous songs of her career and the video matches it perfectly. It is absolutely stunning to watch. I don’t know how to explain it exactly but the video is set in the middle of a city block where people randomly start stripping to their underwear and kind of form a small platform which slowly grows into a giant mountain for Kylie to perform on. I am not explaining this well enough but definitely go watch the video – it is absolutely stunning. Also, I don’t know that I can recall a time when Kylie has ever looked more beautiful than she does in this video – her hair, her very natural makeup with bright shimmery white eyeshadow and lots of bronzer, her simple yet gorgeously accessorized ensemble, etc. It is simply a beautiful video. In fact, I am going to include it here.



Aside from all that, it is nearly 3am and I have a good deal of work ahead of me tomorrow, so I absolutely must get to bed. Goodnight!