I have been in a very odd mood lately – a good mood, but an odd mood. There’s this song that I have been obsessed with lately that I really feel like has been a really good reflection of my mood. The song is from my favorite album of 2009, Adam Lambert’s “For Your Entertainment,” and it is called “Pick U Up.” It is a really gorgeous song, with a bit of a classic rock vibe but with some electronic and dance elements mixed in to keep it current and fun. Lyrically, though, this is basically a song about finding somebody to love, and it really captures that amazing feeling you get when you’re starting to get involved with somebody and you just feel like, “Maybe this is it. Maybe this is what I’ve been waiting for. Maybe this is the one.” Clearly, that is not a feeling that I am having right now, but it is a feeling that I am looking for and I feel like listening to this song as often as I have been is really kind of putting me in that place and letting me feel those feelings of excitement and fear and joy that come along with that type of experience. “The Science Of Getting Rich,” “The Secret,” and various other books I have read all emphasize the importance of putting yourself in the place where you want to be, visualizing it and really feeling the feelings that you would feel once you have gotten the thing that you want. So, this song has really been helping me in that whole process. It is strange for me, though, because I have become so used to automatically reacting to feelings like loneliness or longing for companionship negatively that I think I forgot how to look at them as a good thing. I have forgotten how to look at LOVE as a good thing, I think. I am beginning to remember it well, though. I don’t know exactly what my goal is with this whole thing, but I feel really strongly that I need to be looking out for somebody – there is a man on his way to me. I’m not entirely sure of how long he’ll stick around or exactly what purpose he will serve while he is with me, but I know that he is coming and he is going to make a change in my life. In the meantime, I am keeping my eyes open.
This day started off really well. I woke up at 7:30am, brushed my teeth, washed my face, smoked and drank coffee, then worked out. This morning we worked out to Kylie Minogue’s most recent record, “X,” which wasn’t as good of a workout motivator as “Fever” was, but definitely still got the job done for me. I could tell my Mom wasn’t really feeling it, though. I’m already thinking that tomorrow maybe we’ll try working with the Adam Lambert record again – we both really got into working out to that one before. Plus, as I mentioned before, it IS my favorite record of 2009. Speaking of Adam Lambert, he put on the most glorious performance at the Gay Mardi Gras in Sydney this past weekend, complete with a very large, sparkling codpiece, a leather harness and skintight latex pants. It was all a very stunning display and I loved every moment of it. I highly recommended typing “Adam Lambert Sydney Mardi Gras” into Google or YouTube – it is definitely worth seeing. This performance also displayed something I had never really noticed before – Adam Lambert has a smoking hot body! I have always adored him and thought he was really sexy and gorgeous, but I never realized all that he was working with under his clothes. I bring this up not only because, well, it’s hot, but because his body is kind of the body that I would like to have eventually. It’s trim but not overly thin, he doesn’t have a whole lot of ass, (which, sadly, I don’t either,) but it appears firm and has a little bit of thickness to it, and it is muscular enough, but still has it’s share of soft spots. Right now, I am strictly focused on losing pant sizes, but once I have achieved that goal I don’t intend to just stop there. I have decided, after seeing that performance, that a body like Adam Lambert’s is my goal. Let’s face it, being like Adam Lambert in a lot of different ways is my goal… but not exactly. I am just very inspired by him, his look and his music. I think he is completely brilliant. I don’t want to be a carbon copy of him or anything, but I certainly draw a lot of inspiration from him.
After the workout this morning, I ate a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then got dressed and ready for work. Today, since I was not just dressing for work but for my first music lesson, as well, I decided to go for more of a “look” than I usually would for work. I work black slacks, the lavender v-neck I picked up at Old Navy over the weekend and my black/gray pinstriped DKNY vest with a pair of plain black Converse shoes. I also used the Maybelline Eye Studio duo of Lawless Lavender, with a few touches of the Christian Siriano shade “Royalty,” and threw together a purple look that I was really proud of. After getting dressed and doing makeup, it came time to accessorize. I decided to take a bit of a fashion risk by accessorizing my black and purple outfit in red. I wore this pair of red stud earrings I picked up over the weekend, along with my Hello Kitty bubble wand necklace (which has her wearing her signature red bow,) and a red leather wrist cuff with black stars on it. I wasn’t sure if the lavender/purples and the reds would clash, but I loved the idea of it and figured it was worth a shot. Turns out, it paid off and I got a lot of compliments on my look today. More than that, though, I just felt really good. I walked a little more confidently than my normal confident walk and I just felt really good any time I passed a mirror or saw my reflection in a window or anything all throughout the day. I was a little concerned, though, about how this look would go over at the Allegro Music Academy. One concern I had about this place right off the bat was the fact that their website and advertising all seems to really stress the fact that they offer lessons for kids of various ages. I wasn’t sure if I would walk in there and find nothing but children and a staff who was all creeped out by somebody my age being there. I don’t know why, but I have always had this strange insecurity about being around children and people thinking I’m strange because of it. I worded that funny, but a good example would be when I went to see Demi Lovato in concert. I went through a very long period where I was obsessed with children’s media, in particular, the Disney Channel stars. I loved all three “High School Musical” films, am still obsessed with Miley Cyrus, including the series and film “Hannah Montana,” and have an iPod that contains a LOT of music by artists like Demi Lovato, Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez & The Scene, etc. I’m not sure what it is exactly that attracts me to these types of entertainers so much, but I think it probably has something to do with the severe drought in the pop music landscape. My iPod is a very eclectic collection of all different types of music, but I have always had a very deep love for pure, infectious pop music. Up until the emergence of artists like Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert, there was a severe lack of pop music out there but there was this group of kids on the Disney Channel who were pretty much the only ones making it, and they are all very talented and make very fun, upbeat, positive music. I appreciate that about them. I often considered going to see artists like Miley Cyrus in concert because I love the music, but was always scared away from it by the thought of being the only adult there not bored out of their minds and having all the parents and such there looking at me like I was some child molester or something. Last year, I decided to throw caution to the wind and got tickets to see Demi Lovato and David Archuleta in concert. It was terrible and I wound up leaving before Demi Lovato even performed. It was exactly what I had feared – there was a woman with a young daughter in the seats next to us who kept staring me down and clutching her child any time she leaned too close to me. I felt terrible and, like I said, couldn’t even stay for Demi Lovato, which was a shame because she was the one I was really there to see. David Archuleta was amazing, though, just so you know. So, I had a small fear of repeating that type of experience at the Allegro Music Academy. Still, I decided that I would not let these silly concerns stop me from going in there being exactly who I am.
This first music lesson was on my mind all day. I was filled with nervous excitement the entire day, which I assumed would make the day feel so much longer than it was but found it was the exact opposite. The day at work passed by really quickly. As it got closer and closer to 6pm, I got more and more nervous and excited. At 6pm my sister came back to work to pick me up and take me down to the Allegro Academy and I didn’t really talk much the whole time. I have this thing that happens to me every time I get that nervous/excited feeling – my teeth feel all tingly. It’s not like when you’re in cold weather and they start to chatter but similar to when you bite into something cold. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but I was feeling that the entire way there from work. My appointment was scheduled for 6:30pm, but when I called last week to try to reschedule for later the woman said no, but also said that if I were a little late the instructor would wait for me. When I got there this evening the girl at the front desk was very warm and friendly and knew exactly who I was. She told me that the instructor had stepped out because there was a break between my appointment and his previous one, but that he would be back momentarily. While I waited she had me fill out a form for their files. There was a lot of bustling around between her and another woman there in reference to me, but I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. While I was waiting, another guy came out of a voice lesson and I couldn’t help but notice him. He was shorter than me, which I like, and very fresh-faced. He was adorable, basically. He was probably 20 or 21, Asian, impeccably dressed, and had a really nice smile, which he used on me a couple times while we stood there. The girl at the counter was explaining to him that their students pre-pay at the beginning of the month for the rest of that month’s lessons. He had just had his first lesson, as well. He took lessons on Tuesdays, so there were 3 more lessons for this month. He was taking 30-minute lessons, as opposed to 45 minutes, and paid $78. She also advised him that they accept payments by cash or check. This struck me because all I had on me was my debit card. I wasn’t sure what I could do about this, but I was keeping my fingers crossed that they would be willing to work with me in some way as far as that went. Next thing I knew, I was hearing the woman at the desk explain to another woman there that I was there for a lesson with Victor. Victor, apparently, is my piano instructor. Victor was not there. The woman talking to the girl at the desk said “Call him right now.” Apparently, he was home already. It turns out, the woman who I talked to when I tried to reschedule last week just marked my appointment as being cancelled. I explained that I had tried to move it to a later time for today, but the woman said I couldn’t and so I told her I’d keep the appointment I already had. For one reason or another, I was removed from the schedule and my instructor had already gone all the way home. The girl at the desk was very apologetic about this and got Victor on the phone immediately to select a new date to schedule me – Wednesday, March 10. No big deal, except that I just had my sister drive all this way to drop me off and was already planning on a 45 minute wait for my Mom to pick me up after work. I went outside and immediately called my sister. It hadn’t even been 10 minutes since she dropped me off and I was just keeping my fingers crossed that she hadn’t gotten too far at this point. Luckily, she was actually just around the corner getting some coffee from 7-11 and was able to come back and pick me up within about 5 minutes. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little disappointed with the outcome of today’s trip to the Academy, but it really worked out perfectly and saved me the embarrassment of not being able to pay. I still wasn’t sure what exactly I was going to do about paying. I knew I could get money out of the bank to pay with but I also knew that it would leave me pretty damn near completely broke if I did take out enough to pay for 3 more lessons right now. Fortunately, my Mom wasn’t missing any time from her current paycheck and said that she would loan me half of it and I could just pay her back out of my next check, which wouldn’t be missing any time. So, that is really a bit of a lifesaver. I was also pretty proud of myself for reacting positively to this situation – after the issues with the lessons I had scheduled with Eliezer Rivera and now this, I could have easily allowed myself to become completely discouraged by this – instead, I am choosing to look at the positive of the situation and am looking forward to taking my first actual lesson on Wednesday. I am just really ready to get this whole thing started. I know that this is what I am meant to be doing and I am really hoping that this Victor, who I have yet to meet, is the right person to help guide me on the first part of this journey. I can’t wait to get started.
This evening, I came home and watched the new episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” with my Mom. I don’t know if I’ve discussed it here before but one of the contestants on this season, Morgan McMichaels, used to be a really good friend of mine. Morgan, who I always knew as Thomas, is kind of a bitch and we had a bit of a falling out when I was back in California, but regardless of all of that I have always recognized her as a brilliant drag performer. She is really extremely talented as a performer. Sadly, she was kicked off the show in tonight’s episode. It really is a shame because a lot of the queens left on the show are nowhere near as talented as she is. This is how these reality competitions go, though. I also spent a portion of this evening text messaging back and forth with my friend, Whitney, who I hadn’t really talked to much recently. She recently started dating my friend Nate, and I was kind of taking a step back and trying to give her the freedom to be in that “new” stage of a relationship, where you kind of neglect your friends and such. Everybody goes through that period in a new relationship and I understand that. Still, she thought that I was mad at her. I explained myself a bit and we have sorted it all out. It was really nice hearing from her after what has seemed like a long time. I think things may be improving in that area of my life. Honestly, I think things may be improving in all areas of my life. I am very excited to take the next steps in my life. For now, though, it is almost 1am and I need to get to bed.
Tuesday, March 9
Sunday, March 7
Chapter 122: Chicago
Today. What is there to be said about today? It was one of those typical Sundays, for me, where I don’t leave the house at all. Unlike most of those Sundays, though, I managed to get a lot accomplished today. It felt like a very productive day, in a lot of ways. One lesson that I picked up from the book “The Science Of Getting Rich,” was the concept of trying to accomplish as much as possible in each day. Basically, the book says that you can get rich by willing riches into existence for yourself, but the way that you will them into existence is by “thinking and acting in a certain way.” That certain way is, essentially, with purpose. Even if you aren’t doing things that are moving you towards your goals of getting rich, you should perform every act in your life with a sense of purpose. If you are not acting with purpose then you are putting out a frequency of a lack of purpose and not asking anything of the Universe, which is not the way to get anything from the Universe. It makes a lot of sense. Sure, my goals are not necessarily for riches but I am certainly living with a purpose and it makes sense that I should be putting out the frequency of purpose out into the Universe. With that whole concept in mind, I can definitely say that I achieved all that I was able to today and performed each task with a sense of purpose.
As I stated I would need to do in last night’s blog the first thing I did when I woke up, aside from brushing my teeth and using my Clean & Clear Morning Burst Facial Cleanser, was gather up a load of laundry to get the ball rolling on that whole process. After putting in my first load of laundry, I don’t know what came over me or why, except for the concept mentioned above, but I decided that I could stand to do a little more cleaning in my bedroom. It has been a fucking mess for a long time now and I guess I caught the Spring Cleaning bug a little early this year, but I decided that I needed to clean and organize my closet. On Friday, with our paychecks, my work handed out fliers stating that they are doing a clothing drive, collecting used clothes for the local homeless. As soon as I saw this flier, I knew that I should take part. It just so happens that I have a TON of clothes in my closet. Of that ton, there are a lot that I just don’t wear anymore for varying reasons. Some don’t fit right anymore, some are out dated and some just don’t fit in with my personal style anymore. In any sense, I happen to have a lot of clothes that I really don’t have a use for anymore. I spent the first few hours of the day gathering and bagging up a lot of these clothes to go to the needy. This city has a major problem with homeless people, and I figure it’s always a good idea to give a helping hand in some way. Plus, I love the idea of spotting some stylish homeless man and being like, “OMG That’s my shirt!” Okay, so that is much less of a motivator than the first part, but still a funny thing to think of. I have two large trash bags filled with clothes to give away now, and there is a bin in the bottom of my closet that I could also stand to go through and probably give away most of.
In the process of gathering up these items, though, I managed to find a lot of things that I had forgotten about or hadn’t been able to find in ages. I also decided to clean out a lot of my closet and the spillover of it that has been all over my bedroom floor for ages. Between that and laundry, a large chunk of my day was dedicated to cleaning. That is an extremely unusual thing for me to say, but in a lot of ways I feel like all of this cleaning may be my own subconscious symbolization of a kind of new beginning. As I have discussed quite a bit recently, I feel as if I had allowed myself to become discouraged and kind of down for a while. I have managed to pretty well overcome that recently, though, and I think in a lot of ways all of the cleaning I am doing right now is my own way of symbolizing that. Whatever the reason, it is definitely a good thing to get my surroundings a little more clean and organized. I am not a follower of feng shui or anything along those lines, but I have always believed that the way you keep your surroundings is in direct correlation to the way you feel in those surroundings. This is why, for years now, I always make it a point to have pink sheets on my bed. I feel like your bed should be a place that makes you feel happy and at peace, and for me that means pink. I believe the same is true of any workspace you use, like I mentioned about my bathroom and computer desk in last night’s blog. In fact, on the wall in my bathroom I have this Salvador Dali print called “Metamorphosis Of Narcissus,” which I fell in love with when I found it and which I keep there because I feel like it is a positive reminder to myself. When I first found that painting, I felt very much like that was the place I was in – I was in the process of transitioning from my old, narcissistic self into somebody more mature. I still feel like I am making that transition in a lot of ways, and I like having that painting in my bathroom as a reminder not to allow myself to fall back into those old ego-driven patterns I have fallen into in the past. Like I said, I think it is important to have your surroundings be some sort of reflection of how you feel and, even more, a reflection of how you want to feel in that space. I do the same thing in my cubicle at work on a much smaller scale.
Anyway, after I finished with all of my cleaning in the bedroom I decided to spend a little time in the living room with my Mom. I wanted to be productive with that time as well, though, so I cleared off the dining room table and set up my new fabric paints and such. I used an old plain white t-shirt from Anchor Blue to just experiment with the idea that I had come up with when I initially decided to try hand painting clothing – the Semi Precious Weapons lyric, “I can’t pay my rent but I’m fucking gorgeous.” I was a little nervous about the whole painting concept because I wasn’t sure how well I would be able to do it. I have attempted painting on canvases and such in the past and never really excelled at it. At the same time, though, I never made a REAL effort with that. I never did it with purpose. I just did it to try something different and didn’t really expect anything to come of it. This time was different – I was doing it with the intention of doing something great and creating art. It was just a practice run on the design, of course, but it came out much better than I expected. Sadly, the text came out kind of lopsided, so I can’t actually wear the one I made today but it did serve to show me that the concept will work out really well and that I am capable of working in this medium. It is a pretty simple design, honestly – it is just the quote in cursive, purple paint and covered in glitter. Like I said, aside from the text being lopsided, I really liked the way it came out and fully intend to give this design another try to get it just right. I am thinking of putting it on a white v-neck, though, instead of a crew neck like I did today, though. I think it would look better that way. Aside from that, I am just really into v-necks lately. I just like the look of a v-neck better than a crew neck, and the feel works better for me because I don’t like anything too constricting around the neck. In any sense, I loved working on the t-shirt today and am already brainstorming a few different concepts to try out on t-shirts. I enjoy the creative process of it and am looking forward to working in this way a lot more in the future.
After that, while still waiting for more laundry to finish, I sat down with my Mom and watched Oscar red carpet arrivals. There was some gorgeous fashion walking that red carpet this evening – some personal favorites were Sarah Jessica Parker in Chanel Couture, Gabourey Sidibe in a gorgeous blue dress with a gold floral design (whose designer I sadly cannot remember or find on Google for some reason,) Jennifer Lopez in an iridescent pink gown with a dramatic side accent and train by Marchesa and Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart and Zoe Saldana all looked amazing, as well. It seemed like there was a real trend of people wearing gold this evening, as well, most notably would be Sandra Bullock, who all the correspondents kept raving about but which I didn’t feel was as great as everyone was making it out to be. My favorite look, of what I saw, was definitely Sarah Jessica Parker. I have loved her since I was a little kid and have been a huge fan of hers and followed her career over the years. I just find it amazing to see how her style has progressed over the years, particularly with Sex & The City and such. She has really become one of the biggest fashion icons of my generation and I love the fact that she takes the role so seriously and really makes the effort to reflect that in every red carpet appearance and such. She is a major inspiration for me in so many ways. I just adore her.
So, it is nearly 11pm and I still have one load of laundry drying. It should be finishing any moment now. Then I need to get to sleep. I have kind of a big day ahead of me tomorrow. First thing in the morning is another workout, then work and then, FINALLY, my first music lesson. I’m really excited for this, but I am also feeling really nervous about it all. I know that this is what I am meant to be doing with my life and I know that I have the drive, the passion and the talent to pull it off, but I can’t help but feel a little nervous about the whole thing. I just don’t know how it all is going to go down and I don’t know how they are going to want to schedule my lessons moving forward. I don’t know if I am going to mesh well with the teacher, or how comfortable I am going to feel in the environment. I just don’t know how it all is going to go down. What I DO know, though, is that it IS going to happen. I am very excited about it. I am nervous in an excited way. I am very nervous in an excited way about my life right now. It reminds me a bit of a song by one of my favorite artists who nobody has ever heard of, Alexz Johnson, called “Chicago.” There is a line in this song that says, “Won’t be spending tomorrow telling stories – mine has just begun.” That is EXACTLY how I feel in my life right now – I have spent so long telling stories of lives I have lived in the past and such, but I feel like right now it is time for me to stop telling stories and time to start LIVING a whole new one. I am in the process of metamorphosis, like the painting in my bathroom, and I am becoming the artist that I have always dreamed of being. I have lived my entire life dreaming the same dream – now it is time for me to stop dreaming and start making the dream come true. I am extremely excited about this – but like I said, I am also nervous. Nervous in an excited way, though. Everything is going to happen for me exactly as I have always dreamed it would. After all, the Universe is working in my favor. Right now, the Universe is working overtime to make sure that the dreams I have come true – all I have to do is the legwork. Speaking of legwork, if I am going to get a good workout in the morning, I need to go get rested NOW. Goodnight.
As I stated I would need to do in last night’s blog the first thing I did when I woke up, aside from brushing my teeth and using my Clean & Clear Morning Burst Facial Cleanser, was gather up a load of laundry to get the ball rolling on that whole process. After putting in my first load of laundry, I don’t know what came over me or why, except for the concept mentioned above, but I decided that I could stand to do a little more cleaning in my bedroom. It has been a fucking mess for a long time now and I guess I caught the Spring Cleaning bug a little early this year, but I decided that I needed to clean and organize my closet. On Friday, with our paychecks, my work handed out fliers stating that they are doing a clothing drive, collecting used clothes for the local homeless. As soon as I saw this flier, I knew that I should take part. It just so happens that I have a TON of clothes in my closet. Of that ton, there are a lot that I just don’t wear anymore for varying reasons. Some don’t fit right anymore, some are out dated and some just don’t fit in with my personal style anymore. In any sense, I happen to have a lot of clothes that I really don’t have a use for anymore. I spent the first few hours of the day gathering and bagging up a lot of these clothes to go to the needy. This city has a major problem with homeless people, and I figure it’s always a good idea to give a helping hand in some way. Plus, I love the idea of spotting some stylish homeless man and being like, “OMG That’s my shirt!” Okay, so that is much less of a motivator than the first part, but still a funny thing to think of. I have two large trash bags filled with clothes to give away now, and there is a bin in the bottom of my closet that I could also stand to go through and probably give away most of.
In the process of gathering up these items, though, I managed to find a lot of things that I had forgotten about or hadn’t been able to find in ages. I also decided to clean out a lot of my closet and the spillover of it that has been all over my bedroom floor for ages. Between that and laundry, a large chunk of my day was dedicated to cleaning. That is an extremely unusual thing for me to say, but in a lot of ways I feel like all of this cleaning may be my own subconscious symbolization of a kind of new beginning. As I have discussed quite a bit recently, I feel as if I had allowed myself to become discouraged and kind of down for a while. I have managed to pretty well overcome that recently, though, and I think in a lot of ways all of the cleaning I am doing right now is my own way of symbolizing that. Whatever the reason, it is definitely a good thing to get my surroundings a little more clean and organized. I am not a follower of feng shui or anything along those lines, but I have always believed that the way you keep your surroundings is in direct correlation to the way you feel in those surroundings. This is why, for years now, I always make it a point to have pink sheets on my bed. I feel like your bed should be a place that makes you feel happy and at peace, and for me that means pink. I believe the same is true of any workspace you use, like I mentioned about my bathroom and computer desk in last night’s blog. In fact, on the wall in my bathroom I have this Salvador Dali print called “Metamorphosis Of Narcissus,” which I fell in love with when I found it and which I keep there because I feel like it is a positive reminder to myself. When I first found that painting, I felt very much like that was the place I was in – I was in the process of transitioning from my old, narcissistic self into somebody more mature. I still feel like I am making that transition in a lot of ways, and I like having that painting in my bathroom as a reminder not to allow myself to fall back into those old ego-driven patterns I have fallen into in the past. Like I said, I think it is important to have your surroundings be some sort of reflection of how you feel and, even more, a reflection of how you want to feel in that space. I do the same thing in my cubicle at work on a much smaller scale.
Anyway, after I finished with all of my cleaning in the bedroom I decided to spend a little time in the living room with my Mom. I wanted to be productive with that time as well, though, so I cleared off the dining room table and set up my new fabric paints and such. I used an old plain white t-shirt from Anchor Blue to just experiment with the idea that I had come up with when I initially decided to try hand painting clothing – the Semi Precious Weapons lyric, “I can’t pay my rent but I’m fucking gorgeous.” I was a little nervous about the whole painting concept because I wasn’t sure how well I would be able to do it. I have attempted painting on canvases and such in the past and never really excelled at it. At the same time, though, I never made a REAL effort with that. I never did it with purpose. I just did it to try something different and didn’t really expect anything to come of it. This time was different – I was doing it with the intention of doing something great and creating art. It was just a practice run on the design, of course, but it came out much better than I expected. Sadly, the text came out kind of lopsided, so I can’t actually wear the one I made today but it did serve to show me that the concept will work out really well and that I am capable of working in this medium. It is a pretty simple design, honestly – it is just the quote in cursive, purple paint and covered in glitter. Like I said, aside from the text being lopsided, I really liked the way it came out and fully intend to give this design another try to get it just right. I am thinking of putting it on a white v-neck, though, instead of a crew neck like I did today, though. I think it would look better that way. Aside from that, I am just really into v-necks lately. I just like the look of a v-neck better than a crew neck, and the feel works better for me because I don’t like anything too constricting around the neck. In any sense, I loved working on the t-shirt today and am already brainstorming a few different concepts to try out on t-shirts. I enjoy the creative process of it and am looking forward to working in this way a lot more in the future.
After that, while still waiting for more laundry to finish, I sat down with my Mom and watched Oscar red carpet arrivals. There was some gorgeous fashion walking that red carpet this evening – some personal favorites were Sarah Jessica Parker in Chanel Couture, Gabourey Sidibe in a gorgeous blue dress with a gold floral design (whose designer I sadly cannot remember or find on Google for some reason,) Jennifer Lopez in an iridescent pink gown with a dramatic side accent and train by Marchesa and Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart and Zoe Saldana all looked amazing, as well. It seemed like there was a real trend of people wearing gold this evening, as well, most notably would be Sandra Bullock, who all the correspondents kept raving about but which I didn’t feel was as great as everyone was making it out to be. My favorite look, of what I saw, was definitely Sarah Jessica Parker. I have loved her since I was a little kid and have been a huge fan of hers and followed her career over the years. I just find it amazing to see how her style has progressed over the years, particularly with Sex & The City and such. She has really become one of the biggest fashion icons of my generation and I love the fact that she takes the role so seriously and really makes the effort to reflect that in every red carpet appearance and such. She is a major inspiration for me in so many ways. I just adore her.
So, it is nearly 11pm and I still have one load of laundry drying. It should be finishing any moment now. Then I need to get to sleep. I have kind of a big day ahead of me tomorrow. First thing in the morning is another workout, then work and then, FINALLY, my first music lesson. I’m really excited for this, but I am also feeling really nervous about it all. I know that this is what I am meant to be doing with my life and I know that I have the drive, the passion and the talent to pull it off, but I can’t help but feel a little nervous about the whole thing. I just don’t know how it all is going to go down and I don’t know how they are going to want to schedule my lessons moving forward. I don’t know if I am going to mesh well with the teacher, or how comfortable I am going to feel in the environment. I just don’t know how it all is going to go down. What I DO know, though, is that it IS going to happen. I am very excited about it. I am nervous in an excited way. I am very nervous in an excited way about my life right now. It reminds me a bit of a song by one of my favorite artists who nobody has ever heard of, Alexz Johnson, called “Chicago.” There is a line in this song that says, “Won’t be spending tomorrow telling stories – mine has just begun.” That is EXACTLY how I feel in my life right now – I have spent so long telling stories of lives I have lived in the past and such, but I feel like right now it is time for me to stop telling stories and time to start LIVING a whole new one. I am in the process of metamorphosis, like the painting in my bathroom, and I am becoming the artist that I have always dreamed of being. I have lived my entire life dreaming the same dream – now it is time for me to stop dreaming and start making the dream come true. I am extremely excited about this – but like I said, I am also nervous. Nervous in an excited way, though. Everything is going to happen for me exactly as I have always dreamed it would. After all, the Universe is working in my favor. Right now, the Universe is working overtime to make sure that the dreams I have come true – all I have to do is the legwork. Speaking of legwork, if I am going to get a good workout in the morning, I need to go get rested NOW. Goodnight.
Chapter 121: Love Game (Chew Fu Ghettohouse Mix)
So, it’s been about 12 hours since I’ve done this, so I’ve already covered the first part of today. When last we left off, it was about 1pm and my Mom was on her way home from overtime at work & we were talking about going out for brunch/lunch and running a few errands. When she got here, I was still in my pajamas, though, so she chilled for a little bit and got on the phone with her boyfriend, while I got dressed and did hair and makeup. Aside from breakfast, the only other clearly defined plan we had was to stop by my bank to withdraw my portion of rent and bills for this week. My bank closes at 3pm on Saturday and it was nearly 2:30pm when I finished getting ready. It was about ten ‘til 3 when I got to the bank and my gorgeous personal banker, Matt, greeted me at the door but immediately directed me to the teller at the front instead of taking me to his desk and chatting me up like he has every other time I have gone in there. That was a little disappointing, but nothing that was a big deal. After that I stopped into the Starbucks next door to the bank for a Chai Tea Latte, and my Mom and I were off to start the day. We weren’t sure where we wanted to go for lunch but we both kind of agreed that wherever we were going, we were going to Bradenton. I’m not sure why exactly, but when we actually go out for lunch we have a tendency to find random but good places in Bradenton, so we figured we’d head that way and see what we could come up with. Before heading to Bradenton, though, we had to make a stop. Last night I discovered that my pink BIC lighter had died and I didn’t have any sort of backup. I figured if we were driving all the way to Bradenton and didn’t have any actual idea of where we were going, I’d probably need to smoke. I was able to use the oven while I was at home, but needed an actual lighter for while I was on the go. We were heading down 17th Street and knew there was a Walgreen’s up ahead, so we decided to stop there. She needed to pick up a couple random things at Walgreen’s, anyway, and I wanted to check out the cosmetics sale they have there every Saturday.
After withdrawing my share of rent and bills for this paycheck, I had $207 left in the bank, so I knew I didn’t need to be overly concerned with money but also couldn’t go on any sort of spending spree or anything. While at Walgreen’s I remained conscious of this concept and only picked up a few things. I got 2 new Maybelline Eye Studio eyeshadow duos, Lawless Lavender and Mocha Mirage, as well as a new bottle of Method hand soap, since the one I have is almost empty and Method just feels better and I prefer their scents to most regular hand soaps. I was pretty excited about those Maybelline Eye Studio duos, though, because I bought a couple a few weeks ago, in Navy Narcissist and Ivy Icon, and they have become two of my favorite eyeshadows that I have. The majority of the eye makeup I have bought recently is from the Maybelline Eye Studio line, as well – I really like all of the stuff in this line. They are pretty awesome. Plus, the two I bought today are in colors that I have been saying I need to get more of – pink and purple. Also, the Mocha Mirage is a combination of a really cool shade of pink and a sparkly bronze/gold color that I kind of fell in love with. I wound up spending about $20 at Walgreen’s, which wasn’t overly excessive and wouldn’t set me back in any significant way.
We headed to Bradenton, talking and listening to music, and eventually came upon this place we had been to once before and really enjoyed, called Stacey’s Buffet. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but my Mom really has a thing for “country buffets.” I enjoy the food in these places a lot as well but always feel a little awkward being in them. They are almost always full of elderly, southern types who give me funny looks the whole time I am there. I am not one of those people who is overly concerned with the looks I get from people, honestly, but when you’re getting a good amount of them in one place you can’t help but feel a little out of place. I suppose it goes with the territory, though, of being a guy of my size and stature wearing considerable amounts of makeup, especially when you’re clearly not a goth type or anything like that, which I clearly am not. The one thing I hate about that, though, is when people say, “Well, you can’t get upset about getting weird looks, you’re obviously trying to get attention.” That just seems like such a narrow-minded view. I mean, wearing makeup is certainly about getting attention in part, but no more than it is for girls who wear a lot of makeup. For me, makeup is more about making a statement and, as I have discussed here previously, creating a bit of an artwork with my look. I just hate when people consider it something that is solely for the purpose of getting attention just because I am a guy doing it. Fuck those people, though.
While we were at this buffet, I immediately noticed one of the busboys looking at me. He wasn’t giving me one of those funny looks, though. I wasn’t sure at first, but I thought he might have been checking me out. He was standing there with a girl who also worked there. As we were eating, I kept noticing the girl looking at me, as well. She kept making eye contact and smiling. I figured she was just being friendly, but she kept doing it every time she passed. Then the guy kept coming by our table and saying hello, asking if we needed anything, etc. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but he was kind of doing it pretty excessively considering this place was pretty crowded and we didn’t notice him doing that to any other tables. Eventually my Mom said, “I think that guy must like you, he keeps looking over here and stuff.” Now, this is like the second time in the past week that I have mentioned a guy checking me out and I don’t want to come across as one of those people who always thinks people are checking me out or flirting with me because I know those people and they are obnoxious. The only reason I mention this is because I have kind of been working to put the frequency of availability and openness out into the Universe, and this makes me think that it must be working. This guy never actually said anything to me and I didn’t find him attractive enough to go out of my way to talk to him or anything, but it was nice to have a little possible confirmation that what I am putting out into the Universe is being recognized.
After lunch, my Mom and I drove back to Sarasota and went over her favorite bridge, going out towards St. Armand’s Circle and Lido Beach. We were listening to some of our favorite music from Broadway’s finest ladies, including Idina Menzel, Kristin Chenoweth and Lea Michele from “Glee.” I love the fact that my Mom has developed such an interest in some of these Broadway divas and can appreciate listening to songs from Broadway Cast Recordings and such thanks to me. In fact, one of my favorite qualities in my Mom is her openness to new and different types of music and art and such. She is, in some ways, very traditional but she is also extremely open-minded, both in terms of art and in terms of life. I really appreciate that about her. She has told me that she feels like she has me to thank for a lot of that because I have exposed her to so many different things, both in terms of art and life. My Mom and I actually have a really cool relationship, I think. It is different than the relationship that a lot of people have with their mothers, but it is a really cool one. We are both really open with one another and are constantly learning from each other. In fact, we were just having a discussion while driving today about the fact that if she weren’t my mother and we just met by other means, we would probably develop a relationship very similar to the one we already have because we are bonded in ways so much deeper than blood, I think. I don’t know. Like I said, though, it is a really cool relationship that we have and I am extremely grateful for it.
During this drive, I also briefly conversed with my friend Rachel via Facebook, and she told me that she probably has to cancel our plans for the Ringling Museum tomorrow due to some issues at her work. I told her that was perfectly fine and that we could do it some other time. I also kind of decided that instead of going to view art tomorrow, perhaps I would use that time to create some art. This meant a trip to Michael’s, the Arts & Crafts Store, for some supplies. We headed up to Gulf Gate and I picked up a few very handy things at Michael’s, including a 12 pack of fabric paints in all the essential colors. I had a little trouble selecting fabric paints, however, because they all seemed to be that “puffy” or “raised” style. I did not want to do anything puffy or raised. I am not trying to make a t-shirt for a school sporting event or anything silly like that – I am trying to make something that could possibly be passed off as real fashion. I also picked up some spray glitter, which is supposed to be permanent and is designed specifically for use on fabrics, as well as a set of fabric brushes. I wound up spending about $25 there. This also wasn’t anything that was going to put me out long term or anything. However, right next door to Michael’s is an Old Navy. I am not a HUGE fan of Old Navy, but I like to check them out every so often for very basic items, like plain solids, stripes or simple patterns, like argyles and such. Basically, Old Navy is where I go for “nothing fancy” items that can be paired with other items to kind of punch up an outfit. We decided to stop in for a minute just to see what was new. As I have mentioned here, my colors for Spring are white, purple and pink – which, coincidentally, seem to be Old Navy’s colors for Spring, as well. The good thing about Old Navy, though, is that they have a lot of stuff that is extremely reasonably priced. I was trying to be frugal about it, but I simply couldn’t resist a lavender colored v-neck for $6 and a reddish pink t-shirt style polo for $10. I only spent about $17 there, but realized shortly thereafter that the combination of my three stops this evening brought me down to somewhere in the $130 range. $133.05, to be exact. This isn’t anything that is a major problem, really, but it is probably more than I should have spent today and means that I really need to watch my spending until my next paycheck. After all, I still need to have cash for the planned sushi dinner after the Gaga Flash Mob next weekend, as well as for my music lessons. I don’t know how exactly that is going to go down at this point, though. I know the first lesson is free, and it’s in the $30-40 range moving forward. I just don’t know if I am going to be scheduling my second lesson this week, as well, or if it will be next week. I can certainly afford a second lesson next week, but if they are going to recommend a second one this week and two more next week, I can’t really afford that. I could probably pull off a second one this week and another one next week, but I don’t know what is going to be suggested. As much as I would like to do two a week, I am really hoping that it winds up just being once a week. It seems like that would be easier for me financially, as well as orchestrating a way there and back.
After all of this, it was already about 7:30pm and my Mom and I were both feeling pretty ready to get home. Once we got back here, my Mom got on the phone with her boyfriend and pretty much stayed that way for the next few hours. I decided to use that time to kind of clean and organize my bathroom because the counter in there has basically been covered in a big, disorganized mess of makeup. My Mom happened to find in her room recently one of those “gift with purchase” Calvin Klein makeup bags, which she gave to me. So, I spent a while getting all my makeup gathered and put into this bag, as well as putting all of my medicine cabinet items back into the medicine cabinet, as they were also strewn all over the place, and giving the counters a good scrubbing as all kinds of makeup and such had gotten on the surfaces. Since I was already on a bit of a roll with the cleaning, I decided to also clean my computer desk, which has been covered in all kinds of mess for the longest time. It had all kinds of papers, change, accessories and jewelry, electronic cords, headphones and all kinds of other mess all over it. It was also covered in dust. I got everything off of it and organized or thrown away or whatever needed to happen with it and Windexed the shit out of the desk. I am not normally one who gives a crap about these things, but it is kind of nice to have these nice, clean work environments – after all, the bathroom and the computer both tend to be my most frequent workspaces.
That is basically how I spent the rest of this evening. My Mom eventually got off the phone and we sat in the living room and watched “Saturday Night Live” together, which was a considerably better episode than most of them have been lately. Zach Galifianakis hosted and I don’t generally care for him but he was quite funny on SNL. Also, the musical guest was the band Vampire Weekend, whose name I have heard a lot but had never actually heard any of their music. They were pretty impressive and as soon as the episode ended, I went to track down their album online. I also stumbled upon this Japan Only release from Lady Gaga, called “The Remix.” It features 2 remixes of each single from “The Fame” and 3 each of “Bad Romance” and “Telephone.” It’s pretty hot shit and includes the “Love Game” Chew Fu Ghettohouse Mix featuring Marilyn Manson, which I had only heard once or twice before and was never very impressed with. Hearing it again, though, it is actually pretty amazing. I’m not sure why I didn’t get it before, but I am kind of in love with it right now. It’s a really cool take on the song and Marilyn Manson’s guest vocals give a very interesting twist to an already pretty interesting remix. I like it a lot. I like everything Gaga does, though, honestly. I have yet to hear anything from her that I haven’t absolutely loved. Overall, it was pretty good day. It wasn’t overly eventful, but I had fun and got some really cool stuff that I am already dreaming up awesome things to do with – I didn’t even do it on purpose, but I realized that the two Old Navy shirts kind of perfectly match the two Maybelline duos I bought, so I am pretty excited to start pairing them up.
Tomorrow, I have decided, is dedicated to two things and two things only: Laundry and art. In the process of cleaning up my bedroom and bathroom I realized that I have a LOT of dirty clothes. I basically need to wake up in the morning and start laundry and not stop for the rest of the day. Fortunately, laundry is one of those chores that don’t require too much attention, so I can check in on it in the midst of working on art. For right now, since I am just experimenting, I didn’t buy any new shirts to work with and am just going to experiment with some of my old plain white Calvin Klein tees, since I have so many of them and can afford to lose some if they get ruined or something. I am pretty excited to see what I can do with these fabric paints. I’ve also recently decided that I want to do some more experimental makeup looks to photograph. I have also been researching different types of lighting techniques to make for better, more interesting and professional looking photos and would like to experiment with some of that, as well. We’ll see what I can come up with, though. I don’t know that I will work on anything tomorrow as far as photography goes, but it is sure to be a pretty productive day, I think. Tomorrow also happens to be Oscar night, so that should be pretty interesting, as well. I have my DVR set to record it, so I don’t honestly know if I will end up watching the show or not. The Oscars, in my opinion, tend to be the most boring show of awards season. I know that it is the most prestigious awards ceremony, but they just don’t seem to do a whole lot to spice it up. I may watch, though, to find out which movies are winning. This year I have probably seen more of the nominated films than I have in any other year, so I am a little more curious to see what happens with them. For now, though, it is 3:15am and I really need to get to sleep.
After withdrawing my share of rent and bills for this paycheck, I had $207 left in the bank, so I knew I didn’t need to be overly concerned with money but also couldn’t go on any sort of spending spree or anything. While at Walgreen’s I remained conscious of this concept and only picked up a few things. I got 2 new Maybelline Eye Studio eyeshadow duos, Lawless Lavender and Mocha Mirage, as well as a new bottle of Method hand soap, since the one I have is almost empty and Method just feels better and I prefer their scents to most regular hand soaps. I was pretty excited about those Maybelline Eye Studio duos, though, because I bought a couple a few weeks ago, in Navy Narcissist and Ivy Icon, and they have become two of my favorite eyeshadows that I have. The majority of the eye makeup I have bought recently is from the Maybelline Eye Studio line, as well – I really like all of the stuff in this line. They are pretty awesome. Plus, the two I bought today are in colors that I have been saying I need to get more of – pink and purple. Also, the Mocha Mirage is a combination of a really cool shade of pink and a sparkly bronze/gold color that I kind of fell in love with. I wound up spending about $20 at Walgreen’s, which wasn’t overly excessive and wouldn’t set me back in any significant way.
We headed to Bradenton, talking and listening to music, and eventually came upon this place we had been to once before and really enjoyed, called Stacey’s Buffet. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but my Mom really has a thing for “country buffets.” I enjoy the food in these places a lot as well but always feel a little awkward being in them. They are almost always full of elderly, southern types who give me funny looks the whole time I am there. I am not one of those people who is overly concerned with the looks I get from people, honestly, but when you’re getting a good amount of them in one place you can’t help but feel a little out of place. I suppose it goes with the territory, though, of being a guy of my size and stature wearing considerable amounts of makeup, especially when you’re clearly not a goth type or anything like that, which I clearly am not. The one thing I hate about that, though, is when people say, “Well, you can’t get upset about getting weird looks, you’re obviously trying to get attention.” That just seems like such a narrow-minded view. I mean, wearing makeup is certainly about getting attention in part, but no more than it is for girls who wear a lot of makeup. For me, makeup is more about making a statement and, as I have discussed here previously, creating a bit of an artwork with my look. I just hate when people consider it something that is solely for the purpose of getting attention just because I am a guy doing it. Fuck those people, though.
While we were at this buffet, I immediately noticed one of the busboys looking at me. He wasn’t giving me one of those funny looks, though. I wasn’t sure at first, but I thought he might have been checking me out. He was standing there with a girl who also worked there. As we were eating, I kept noticing the girl looking at me, as well. She kept making eye contact and smiling. I figured she was just being friendly, but she kept doing it every time she passed. Then the guy kept coming by our table and saying hello, asking if we needed anything, etc. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but he was kind of doing it pretty excessively considering this place was pretty crowded and we didn’t notice him doing that to any other tables. Eventually my Mom said, “I think that guy must like you, he keeps looking over here and stuff.” Now, this is like the second time in the past week that I have mentioned a guy checking me out and I don’t want to come across as one of those people who always thinks people are checking me out or flirting with me because I know those people and they are obnoxious. The only reason I mention this is because I have kind of been working to put the frequency of availability and openness out into the Universe, and this makes me think that it must be working. This guy never actually said anything to me and I didn’t find him attractive enough to go out of my way to talk to him or anything, but it was nice to have a little possible confirmation that what I am putting out into the Universe is being recognized.
After lunch, my Mom and I drove back to Sarasota and went over her favorite bridge, going out towards St. Armand’s Circle and Lido Beach. We were listening to some of our favorite music from Broadway’s finest ladies, including Idina Menzel, Kristin Chenoweth and Lea Michele from “Glee.” I love the fact that my Mom has developed such an interest in some of these Broadway divas and can appreciate listening to songs from Broadway Cast Recordings and such thanks to me. In fact, one of my favorite qualities in my Mom is her openness to new and different types of music and art and such. She is, in some ways, very traditional but she is also extremely open-minded, both in terms of art and in terms of life. I really appreciate that about her. She has told me that she feels like she has me to thank for a lot of that because I have exposed her to so many different things, both in terms of art and life. My Mom and I actually have a really cool relationship, I think. It is different than the relationship that a lot of people have with their mothers, but it is a really cool one. We are both really open with one another and are constantly learning from each other. In fact, we were just having a discussion while driving today about the fact that if she weren’t my mother and we just met by other means, we would probably develop a relationship very similar to the one we already have because we are bonded in ways so much deeper than blood, I think. I don’t know. Like I said, though, it is a really cool relationship that we have and I am extremely grateful for it.
During this drive, I also briefly conversed with my friend Rachel via Facebook, and she told me that she probably has to cancel our plans for the Ringling Museum tomorrow due to some issues at her work. I told her that was perfectly fine and that we could do it some other time. I also kind of decided that instead of going to view art tomorrow, perhaps I would use that time to create some art. This meant a trip to Michael’s, the Arts & Crafts Store, for some supplies. We headed up to Gulf Gate and I picked up a few very handy things at Michael’s, including a 12 pack of fabric paints in all the essential colors. I had a little trouble selecting fabric paints, however, because they all seemed to be that “puffy” or “raised” style. I did not want to do anything puffy or raised. I am not trying to make a t-shirt for a school sporting event or anything silly like that – I am trying to make something that could possibly be passed off as real fashion. I also picked up some spray glitter, which is supposed to be permanent and is designed specifically for use on fabrics, as well as a set of fabric brushes. I wound up spending about $25 there. This also wasn’t anything that was going to put me out long term or anything. However, right next door to Michael’s is an Old Navy. I am not a HUGE fan of Old Navy, but I like to check them out every so often for very basic items, like plain solids, stripes or simple patterns, like argyles and such. Basically, Old Navy is where I go for “nothing fancy” items that can be paired with other items to kind of punch up an outfit. We decided to stop in for a minute just to see what was new. As I have mentioned here, my colors for Spring are white, purple and pink – which, coincidentally, seem to be Old Navy’s colors for Spring, as well. The good thing about Old Navy, though, is that they have a lot of stuff that is extremely reasonably priced. I was trying to be frugal about it, but I simply couldn’t resist a lavender colored v-neck for $6 and a reddish pink t-shirt style polo for $10. I only spent about $17 there, but realized shortly thereafter that the combination of my three stops this evening brought me down to somewhere in the $130 range. $133.05, to be exact. This isn’t anything that is a major problem, really, but it is probably more than I should have spent today and means that I really need to watch my spending until my next paycheck. After all, I still need to have cash for the planned sushi dinner after the Gaga Flash Mob next weekend, as well as for my music lessons. I don’t know how exactly that is going to go down at this point, though. I know the first lesson is free, and it’s in the $30-40 range moving forward. I just don’t know if I am going to be scheduling my second lesson this week, as well, or if it will be next week. I can certainly afford a second lesson next week, but if they are going to recommend a second one this week and two more next week, I can’t really afford that. I could probably pull off a second one this week and another one next week, but I don’t know what is going to be suggested. As much as I would like to do two a week, I am really hoping that it winds up just being once a week. It seems like that would be easier for me financially, as well as orchestrating a way there and back.
After all of this, it was already about 7:30pm and my Mom and I were both feeling pretty ready to get home. Once we got back here, my Mom got on the phone with her boyfriend and pretty much stayed that way for the next few hours. I decided to use that time to kind of clean and organize my bathroom because the counter in there has basically been covered in a big, disorganized mess of makeup. My Mom happened to find in her room recently one of those “gift with purchase” Calvin Klein makeup bags, which she gave to me. So, I spent a while getting all my makeup gathered and put into this bag, as well as putting all of my medicine cabinet items back into the medicine cabinet, as they were also strewn all over the place, and giving the counters a good scrubbing as all kinds of makeup and such had gotten on the surfaces. Since I was already on a bit of a roll with the cleaning, I decided to also clean my computer desk, which has been covered in all kinds of mess for the longest time. It had all kinds of papers, change, accessories and jewelry, electronic cords, headphones and all kinds of other mess all over it. It was also covered in dust. I got everything off of it and organized or thrown away or whatever needed to happen with it and Windexed the shit out of the desk. I am not normally one who gives a crap about these things, but it is kind of nice to have these nice, clean work environments – after all, the bathroom and the computer both tend to be my most frequent workspaces.
That is basically how I spent the rest of this evening. My Mom eventually got off the phone and we sat in the living room and watched “Saturday Night Live” together, which was a considerably better episode than most of them have been lately. Zach Galifianakis hosted and I don’t generally care for him but he was quite funny on SNL. Also, the musical guest was the band Vampire Weekend, whose name I have heard a lot but had never actually heard any of their music. They were pretty impressive and as soon as the episode ended, I went to track down their album online. I also stumbled upon this Japan Only release from Lady Gaga, called “The Remix.” It features 2 remixes of each single from “The Fame” and 3 each of “Bad Romance” and “Telephone.” It’s pretty hot shit and includes the “Love Game” Chew Fu Ghettohouse Mix featuring Marilyn Manson, which I had only heard once or twice before and was never very impressed with. Hearing it again, though, it is actually pretty amazing. I’m not sure why I didn’t get it before, but I am kind of in love with it right now. It’s a really cool take on the song and Marilyn Manson’s guest vocals give a very interesting twist to an already pretty interesting remix. I like it a lot. I like everything Gaga does, though, honestly. I have yet to hear anything from her that I haven’t absolutely loved. Overall, it was pretty good day. It wasn’t overly eventful, but I had fun and got some really cool stuff that I am already dreaming up awesome things to do with – I didn’t even do it on purpose, but I realized that the two Old Navy shirts kind of perfectly match the two Maybelline duos I bought, so I am pretty excited to start pairing them up.
Tomorrow, I have decided, is dedicated to two things and two things only: Laundry and art. In the process of cleaning up my bedroom and bathroom I realized that I have a LOT of dirty clothes. I basically need to wake up in the morning and start laundry and not stop for the rest of the day. Fortunately, laundry is one of those chores that don’t require too much attention, so I can check in on it in the midst of working on art. For right now, since I am just experimenting, I didn’t buy any new shirts to work with and am just going to experiment with some of my old plain white Calvin Klein tees, since I have so many of them and can afford to lose some if they get ruined or something. I am pretty excited to see what I can do with these fabric paints. I’ve also recently decided that I want to do some more experimental makeup looks to photograph. I have also been researching different types of lighting techniques to make for better, more interesting and professional looking photos and would like to experiment with some of that, as well. We’ll see what I can come up with, though. I don’t know that I will work on anything tomorrow as far as photography goes, but it is sure to be a pretty productive day, I think. Tomorrow also happens to be Oscar night, so that should be pretty interesting, as well. I have my DVR set to record it, so I don’t honestly know if I will end up watching the show or not. The Oscars, in my opinion, tend to be the most boring show of awards season. I know that it is the most prestigious awards ceremony, but they just don’t seem to do a whole lot to spice it up. I may watch, though, to find out which movies are winning. This year I have probably seen more of the nominated films than I have in any other year, so I am a little more curious to see what happens with them. For now, though, it is 3:15am and I really need to get to sleep.
Saturday, March 6
Chapter 120: Haven't Met You Yet
I’m not sure what exactly the issue is, but for some reason I have been putting off writing this blog. I don’t really have a reason to not want to write it, except perhaps that the main focus of my day yesterday was something I’m not always entirely comfortable talking about. At the same time, though, I kind of need to get myself to be comfortable talking about it. Love is an interesting topic for me because there is something in me that just won’t allow me to admit that it is of any importance but at the same time I can’t deny that it is… at least, it is right now. I have long said that I had no interest in dating or finding love or any of that because I have more important things to focus on, like music and art. I still consider music and art to be more important than love, in the romantic sense, because those will always be my TRUE love and I refuse to believe that any person in this world could ever mean more to me than they do. At the same time, though, what inspires music? What is 90% of the songs you hear on the radio about? What do most films and television shows revolve around? What is ALWAYS present in any form of art? Love. Therefore, I have got to stop denying my natural desire for the stuff and just allow myself to be open to it.
That being said, I recently read the book “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes or Less,” as well as “The Science Of Getting Rich,” and “The Secret” by Michael Berg. All three of these books have been a big inspiration to me in very different ways. One thing that all three of these books have in common, though, is that they all stress the idea of getting a clear idea of what you want and visualizing it. As far as love goes, I really don’t have a clear idea of what I am looking for at all. I can’t think of a better place to sort that out than here in this blog, (for all the world to see?) Before I go into doing that, though, let me talk about the events of yesterday for a bit. Work was pretty uneventful; boring, even. My sister had to work until 6pm, so she was able to give me a ride home instead of my Mom driving me home on her last break. This guy who works on our account that I have always had a bit of a crush on, but who is dating a girl and is apparently straight, had to wait around for a bus to take him home. My sister offered to give him a ride, as well. I just found it interesting getting the chance to talk to this guy on a more personal level outside of the workplace. It really is a shame that he is straight. After work, my Mom and I went out to get dinner and decided that we wanted to have Panda Express, which is all the way in Venice. It was cool, though, getting to do one of our long drives, listening to music and talking, in the evening and leading up to a delicious dinner. My friend Nate, (the one with the YouTube channel,) recently decided to try doing live shows, as well as his YouTube videos, and he did his first one last night on BlogTV. Unfortunately, this live show wound up basically just being him on cam and me typing and a couple of other unknown viewers not talking and making Nate get frustrated. Eventually, another chatter wound up joining the room and was very unusual. Nate and I were both kind of trying to figure out who it could be. He said he was a janitor and that he was bisexual. Of course, I started flirting with him a bit. After a little while, Nate got bored with watching me flirt with this guy and ended the show. Then the guy asked me to talk to him on MSN messenger. I was waiting to find out that this was somebody that I actually knew already who was just messing around with us, because I had posted on my Facebook account for people to come join us in the BlogTV chatroom. As it turns out, though, it was just a random guy who stumbled upon the room. He told me about how he was working as a janitor, as well as with a landscaping company, but how he was really aspiring to a career in the adult entertainment industry – not as a model or video star, but in editing content for an adult site. Interesting stuff. He also showed me a bunch of pictures of himself, in various states of undress. He was definitely hot – short-ish, dark hair, nice body, pretty eyes. I still have no idea why any of it happened, but it was an interesting way to spend an evening, anyway.
The interesting thing about that, though, is the fact that this guy kind of played into a lot of the things that I am looking for in a person to date. Physically I tend to be attracted to people who have dark hair but light skin, although dark hair and dark skin is just as nice. I like people who are shorter than me, in the 5’4-5’6 range typically. I like people who are very thin and small-framed but still have well defined muscles in the chest and arms. I like people who are young looking, in general – of course, I want them to be somewhere close to my age, but I like for them to look younger than they actually are. Aside from the physical, though, this guy also played into a lot of the things I want in a person. I want somebody with clearly defined goals that they are working towards. I want somebody who is also an artist, and who feels as strongly about their art as I do about mine – but I also don’t really want that person’s main focus, artistically, to be the same as mine. For example, music is my main goal and biggest passion in life, so I would prefer somebody whose main goal and biggest passion is something different than that, like photography or fashion or painting or something, otherwise there is too much of a chance that we will feel competitive with one another. I want somebody who seems to be genuinely happy with themselves, but is also constantly trying to make improvements. Mainly, though, I want somebody who will understand my passions in life and support them, and whom I can do the same for. This guy I talked to last night kind of played into all of those things, which is exactly why I am convinced he doesn’t exist. I’m kidding, of course, but I also know that he is not a viable option for me because he lives kind of far away and I’m not sure how much we actually clicked. Plus, it was just a random online chat – I don’t see anybody I randomly chat with online as a viable dating option. As far as the internet goes, I really do believe that people online don’t actually exist until I have gotten some sort of proof, like talking on the phone, seeing them on a webcam or something, or meeting them in person. I mean, of course that doesn’t apply to all people on the internet, but if somebody seems to good to be true on the internet it just seems likely that they are lying about stuff. I’m very distrusting of people on the internet, I guess.
So, I have basically, in discussing that random guy from Nate’s BlogTV chat, gotten a considerably clearer picture of what I am looking for in a dating partner. It doesn’t seem like it’d be all that difficult to find, especially considering all of the physical parts are pretty negotiable. I genuinely do prefer people who are shorter than I am, but wouldn’t be completely opposed to somebody who isn’t, although if they aren’t shorter than me I’d kind of like them to be taller than me. One extreme to another, I suppose. The thin thing is definitely negotiable because I do find myself attracted to people of all different shapes and sizes, races and creeds. Physically, I am pretty much open to anything, but these are just kind of my preferences. The non-physical stuff is the stuff that is less negotiable. The most important things I want, though, are somebody who can understand my dedication to my art and will support it and somebody who will be able to put the world into different perspectives for me, and who will allow me to do the same for them. I don’t know how exactly I will find this person, but I don’t doubt that I will. They are out there. I don’t think I have met them yet, but I’m pretty sure I will know once I have. In the meantime, I will keep my eyes, my mind and my heart open and just focus on my artistic endeavors. They are just as important and I will not allow them to fall to the wayside.
Speaking of artistic endeavors, have I mentioned how excited I am for my first music lesson on Monday? I don’t know what is going to go down in this first lesson, exactly, but I know that I am extremely excited to get started. I feel like I am finally taking that first step toward actually reaching my dreams of writing my own record and that is the most thrilling idea that I can possibly think of right now. I have a pretty clearly defined idea of what I want to do as far as that goes – which is definitely a good thing. Music is, as I said before, the single most important thing in my life and I hate the fact that I have let it fall to the wayside so many times before. No more, though – I am making this happen for myself, and it is going to be fucking beautiful. My Mom and I were discussing last night on our drive to Venice how we both feel like we have lived multiple different lives within our one lifetime. We change so much as people throughout our lives that it really does feel like the period when I was living in California, being a complete bum and doing horribly regrettable things to people I loved, was a completely separate life from the one I am living now. I feel like I am a completely different person than I was back then. I also feel like I am a completely different person than I was 5 years ago, when I worked at the place that shall not be named the first time. That was a different life, as well. 3 years ago when I was dating my last REAL boyfriend was a different life, as well. I was a VERY different person then… a CRAZY person. Of all the lives I have ever lived, though, I feel like this one I am living right now is my favorite. This is the one that is going to get me to where I need to be. From this point on, I’m sure there will still be plenty of different lives but I am certain that they are only going to get better from here. I am taking steps in this live to make sure that is the case. As much as I love this one, though, I really can’t wait to get to the next one.
For now, though, my Mom is on her way home and we need to go to the bank and get some brunch, or at this point I guess it is just plain lunch. I don’t really know what else is planned for the day but I am feeling quite a bit better than I have been recently, so I plan to take full advantage of it. Last night was a really rough night, as far as the sickness goes. I had a really bad cough. My Mom got some cough syrup with codeine in it from her doctor, and I took some of that and it helped a lot. It also helped knock me out when I was laying on the couch watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race” reruns. I had initially planned on writing this last night, but like I said, I was putting it off. I woke up around 6am this morning coughing up a lung again, and moved into my bedroom. My coughing woke my Mom up and she came into my room and gave me some more cough syrup. It was really kind of a sweet moment – like I was a little kid again. She even put the spoon in my mouth like you always see mothers do on TV and stuff. It was cute. I really appreciated it. Then, it knocked me out again for a few more hours. Like I said, though, I am feeling a lot better now, the cough is nowhere near as bad and, like I said, I plan to take full advantage of it. In fact, I’m going to go get started on that right now!
That being said, I recently read the book “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes or Less,” as well as “The Science Of Getting Rich,” and “The Secret” by Michael Berg. All three of these books have been a big inspiration to me in very different ways. One thing that all three of these books have in common, though, is that they all stress the idea of getting a clear idea of what you want and visualizing it. As far as love goes, I really don’t have a clear idea of what I am looking for at all. I can’t think of a better place to sort that out than here in this blog, (for all the world to see?) Before I go into doing that, though, let me talk about the events of yesterday for a bit. Work was pretty uneventful; boring, even. My sister had to work until 6pm, so she was able to give me a ride home instead of my Mom driving me home on her last break. This guy who works on our account that I have always had a bit of a crush on, but who is dating a girl and is apparently straight, had to wait around for a bus to take him home. My sister offered to give him a ride, as well. I just found it interesting getting the chance to talk to this guy on a more personal level outside of the workplace. It really is a shame that he is straight. After work, my Mom and I went out to get dinner and decided that we wanted to have Panda Express, which is all the way in Venice. It was cool, though, getting to do one of our long drives, listening to music and talking, in the evening and leading up to a delicious dinner. My friend Nate, (the one with the YouTube channel,) recently decided to try doing live shows, as well as his YouTube videos, and he did his first one last night on BlogTV. Unfortunately, this live show wound up basically just being him on cam and me typing and a couple of other unknown viewers not talking and making Nate get frustrated. Eventually, another chatter wound up joining the room and was very unusual. Nate and I were both kind of trying to figure out who it could be. He said he was a janitor and that he was bisexual. Of course, I started flirting with him a bit. After a little while, Nate got bored with watching me flirt with this guy and ended the show. Then the guy asked me to talk to him on MSN messenger. I was waiting to find out that this was somebody that I actually knew already who was just messing around with us, because I had posted on my Facebook account for people to come join us in the BlogTV chatroom. As it turns out, though, it was just a random guy who stumbled upon the room. He told me about how he was working as a janitor, as well as with a landscaping company, but how he was really aspiring to a career in the adult entertainment industry – not as a model or video star, but in editing content for an adult site. Interesting stuff. He also showed me a bunch of pictures of himself, in various states of undress. He was definitely hot – short-ish, dark hair, nice body, pretty eyes. I still have no idea why any of it happened, but it was an interesting way to spend an evening, anyway.
The interesting thing about that, though, is the fact that this guy kind of played into a lot of the things that I am looking for in a person to date. Physically I tend to be attracted to people who have dark hair but light skin, although dark hair and dark skin is just as nice. I like people who are shorter than me, in the 5’4-5’6 range typically. I like people who are very thin and small-framed but still have well defined muscles in the chest and arms. I like people who are young looking, in general – of course, I want them to be somewhere close to my age, but I like for them to look younger than they actually are. Aside from the physical, though, this guy also played into a lot of the things I want in a person. I want somebody with clearly defined goals that they are working towards. I want somebody who is also an artist, and who feels as strongly about their art as I do about mine – but I also don’t really want that person’s main focus, artistically, to be the same as mine. For example, music is my main goal and biggest passion in life, so I would prefer somebody whose main goal and biggest passion is something different than that, like photography or fashion or painting or something, otherwise there is too much of a chance that we will feel competitive with one another. I want somebody who seems to be genuinely happy with themselves, but is also constantly trying to make improvements. Mainly, though, I want somebody who will understand my passions in life and support them, and whom I can do the same for. This guy I talked to last night kind of played into all of those things, which is exactly why I am convinced he doesn’t exist. I’m kidding, of course, but I also know that he is not a viable option for me because he lives kind of far away and I’m not sure how much we actually clicked. Plus, it was just a random online chat – I don’t see anybody I randomly chat with online as a viable dating option. As far as the internet goes, I really do believe that people online don’t actually exist until I have gotten some sort of proof, like talking on the phone, seeing them on a webcam or something, or meeting them in person. I mean, of course that doesn’t apply to all people on the internet, but if somebody seems to good to be true on the internet it just seems likely that they are lying about stuff. I’m very distrusting of people on the internet, I guess.
So, I have basically, in discussing that random guy from Nate’s BlogTV chat, gotten a considerably clearer picture of what I am looking for in a dating partner. It doesn’t seem like it’d be all that difficult to find, especially considering all of the physical parts are pretty negotiable. I genuinely do prefer people who are shorter than I am, but wouldn’t be completely opposed to somebody who isn’t, although if they aren’t shorter than me I’d kind of like them to be taller than me. One extreme to another, I suppose. The thin thing is definitely negotiable because I do find myself attracted to people of all different shapes and sizes, races and creeds. Physically, I am pretty much open to anything, but these are just kind of my preferences. The non-physical stuff is the stuff that is less negotiable. The most important things I want, though, are somebody who can understand my dedication to my art and will support it and somebody who will be able to put the world into different perspectives for me, and who will allow me to do the same for them. I don’t know how exactly I will find this person, but I don’t doubt that I will. They are out there. I don’t think I have met them yet, but I’m pretty sure I will know once I have. In the meantime, I will keep my eyes, my mind and my heart open and just focus on my artistic endeavors. They are just as important and I will not allow them to fall to the wayside.
Speaking of artistic endeavors, have I mentioned how excited I am for my first music lesson on Monday? I don’t know what is going to go down in this first lesson, exactly, but I know that I am extremely excited to get started. I feel like I am finally taking that first step toward actually reaching my dreams of writing my own record and that is the most thrilling idea that I can possibly think of right now. I have a pretty clearly defined idea of what I want to do as far as that goes – which is definitely a good thing. Music is, as I said before, the single most important thing in my life and I hate the fact that I have let it fall to the wayside so many times before. No more, though – I am making this happen for myself, and it is going to be fucking beautiful. My Mom and I were discussing last night on our drive to Venice how we both feel like we have lived multiple different lives within our one lifetime. We change so much as people throughout our lives that it really does feel like the period when I was living in California, being a complete bum and doing horribly regrettable things to people I loved, was a completely separate life from the one I am living now. I feel like I am a completely different person than I was back then. I also feel like I am a completely different person than I was 5 years ago, when I worked at the place that shall not be named the first time. That was a different life, as well. 3 years ago when I was dating my last REAL boyfriend was a different life, as well. I was a VERY different person then… a CRAZY person. Of all the lives I have ever lived, though, I feel like this one I am living right now is my favorite. This is the one that is going to get me to where I need to be. From this point on, I’m sure there will still be plenty of different lives but I am certain that they are only going to get better from here. I am taking steps in this live to make sure that is the case. As much as I love this one, though, I really can’t wait to get to the next one.
For now, though, my Mom is on her way home and we need to go to the bank and get some brunch, or at this point I guess it is just plain lunch. I don’t really know what else is planned for the day but I am feeling quite a bit better than I have been recently, so I plan to take full advantage of it. Last night was a really rough night, as far as the sickness goes. I had a really bad cough. My Mom got some cough syrup with codeine in it from her doctor, and I took some of that and it helped a lot. It also helped knock me out when I was laying on the couch watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race” reruns. I had initially planned on writing this last night, but like I said, I was putting it off. I woke up around 6am this morning coughing up a lung again, and moved into my bedroom. My coughing woke my Mom up and she came into my room and gave me some more cough syrup. It was really kind of a sweet moment – like I was a little kid again. She even put the spoon in my mouth like you always see mothers do on TV and stuff. It was cute. I really appreciated it. Then, it knocked me out again for a few more hours. Like I said, though, I am feeling a lot better now, the cough is nowhere near as bad and, like I said, I plan to take full advantage of it. In fact, I’m going to go get started on that right now!
Thursday, March 4
Chapter 119: Fever
So, yesterday I made the decision that if I woke up feeling shitty again I would not go to work today. Well, while lying in bed last night I suddenly found myself breathing a little easier. Then my ear seemed to pop and I could hear properly again. It dawned on me – it was actually slightly possible that I might wake up in the morning feeling better. I have spent the past week or so saying, “Gee, I hope I feel better in the morning,” but this was the first time it seemed like it might actually happen! As I tried to fall asleep, I kept focused on this idea and really tried to force myself to believe that it would happen. When I woke up this morning, I wasn’t sure what to think. When I spoke, my voice didn’t sound as weird and crappy as it had been recently. When I breathed through my nose, I didn’t only breathe in one side. I could hear properly in both ears. It was a very good feeling. I still said that I wouldn’t put too much stock into these feelings until after working out, but I felt good enough that the idea of working out was really appealing and didn’t seem like something I would fall down and die in the middle of. That was a really good feeling, as well. Despite not wanting to commit to either idea until after the workout, I was pretty certain I would be going to work today, which was a very good thing. I’ll admit, there was definitely a part of me that felt a little disappointed that I wouldn’t get to stay home today, but a much bigger part of me was glad I wouldn’t be losing out on money on another paycheck. I’m not going to lie, I am kind of concerned about what my check is going to look like tomorrow. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will wake up in the morning and it will be in my bank. It should be, I assume, because it was 3 weeks ago that I submitted the forms for Direct Deposit at work. This will be my second paycheck since then, so I am pretty sure that is enough time for it to have taken effect. We’ll see in the morning, I suppose. Still, I am concerned about how much my check is going to be – I missed 12 hours of work. That’s approximately $129 I lost. I have about $129 in the bank right now, so I’m thinking I’ll be fine. I’m back to my normal financial state. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose. I don’t have the extra hundred I had initially planned on keeping aside to pay for my music lessons, but that’s not that big of a deal. I will just have to pay for them out of my regular money. All that means is no more spending sprees. I have managed fine without them for a long time now, so that shouldn’t be a problem. They have been really nice lately, though. Oh well, I will get back to that place where I can afford a spending spree all the time. I am already on my way to it, actually, (more on that later.)
So, my Mom and I worked out this morning after missing yesterday and it was actually a really fun workout. Our soundtrack for the morning’s workout was Kylie Minogue’s album, “Fever,” featuring some of her biggest hits here in the US, like “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head,” “Love At First Sight” and “Come Into My World.” It is a brilliant album and one of my favorites from her. It also makes for an excellent workout soundtrack and my Mom and I both felt a little extra motivated for the workout today with this album on. My Mom even thanked me for picking to play that album because it really helped push us a little harder than we may have if I had played Ke$ha or Sugababes or something else along those lines. It was perfect. It was a pretty rough workout this morning, but it went really well. It was very intense, but I pushed myself all the way through the full mile and my Mom pushed herself all the way through the second mile like we normally do, even though we were both still getting over sickness. By the time I finished my mile I was really sweating my ass off, which is kind of the point. However, as I ate breakfast, showered, dressed and put on makeup for the day afterwards I couldn’t seem to get myself to stop sweating. I’m not sure what it was, but I just couldn’t seem to cool down until well after I got to work today.
On the topic of makeup, though, I had a song stuck in my head this morning that kind of inspired the makeup look I did today. The song was a lesser-known B-Side by the Spice Girls called “Outer Space Girls,” and it really was the inspiration for my look today. I did a really bright pink on the inside corners of my eyes and blended it into blue on the rest of the lids, then did a glittery, metallic silver over the top and under the eye. I also used this as a good excuse to finally try using my silver chrome eyeliner, which looked really great with this look. I have this t-shirt by Surplus Clothing that incorporates pinks, blues and silvers in it’s design, so I decided to wear that to match it and I felt like I was looking pretty cute today. Aside from looking cute, though, I was really happy to have done something slightly more unique and artistic with makeup and to have drawn inspiration from music. I mean, every day I draw inspiration for my makeup from music in one way or another, but today I had a specific song in mind that really was the basis for the look and it made me feel extra artsy about it all. I even got complimented on the look by a couple different strangers today, which I always appreciate. I am a firm believer in compliments and I try to give them out as often as possible. I feel like if you see something in somebody else’s look or demeanor that you genuinely appreciate, it is always a good thing to tell them – it is sure to brighten up their day and make them feel a little better about themselves than they normally would. Plus, I love receiving compliments and, as they say, you only get what you give.
The workday wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the past few have been, but it wasn’t great. First of all, a few hours into the day I started feeling really strange pressure around my eyes and it gave me a really bad headache. This pressure didn’t go away for the rest of the day and my eyes were watering a bit all day long. Fortunately, my eye makeup is pretty heavy duty and didn’t get messed up at all during this. That, of course, was the only plus of the situation. When I got to work my sister was like, “Thank God you’re here,” because 2 of our night crew people called in sick and we were pretty much bare bones this evening. It helps, of course, that today was completely dead. We spent most of the day just sitting around. I finished reading, “The Science Of Getting Rich,” which I will say was definitely a really interesting book. It is basically Rhonda Byrne’s “The Secret,” except strictly focused on the money. What this book has done for me, though, is reminded me of the principles of “The Secret” and how well they had worked for me before. I am absolutely certain that I could make them work for me again. All it takes is some focus and certainty – two qualities that I posses a great deal of but don’t seem to use as often as I should. This is something I am going to be working on moving forward, as I think it could make some immense changes to my life like it did back in 2007. I think I may even start keeping a gratitude journal again for a while, which I always felt was a really good tool to remind me of the positive sides of life.
I also spent a little while this afternoon doing concept drawings of possible makeup looks for the future. I remember when Lady Gaga was on Oprah and they gave a look backstage at one of her concerts – one thing that they didn’t discuss, but that I noticed and found really interesting were drawings she had done of different looks she has done throughout her career so far. Since they didn’t discuss them, I can’t be too sure, but my thought was that these were drawings that she did before doing the looks – they were like her conceptualizing looks that she wanted to do. I found that a very interesting concept and was very into the idea of trying that for myself. It was a fun way to pass time at work, if nothing else. I was also thinking a lot today about the concept of hand painting t-shirts and I really think, depending on the size of my paycheck this week, I may go out this weekend and pick up some plain white t-shirts and some fabric paint and glitter to work on that this weekend and see what I can come up with. I am really excited about that idea and would love to do something with it. I have a bit of an added objective for that at this point, as well. You see, today I received a package in the mail – the pair of Limited Edition Van’s designed by Richie Rich of Heatherette that I purchased on Ebay. These shoes were designed strictly as a part of the gift bag for people attending Richie Rich’s Fall/Winter 2009 fashion show. There were only a few hundred pairs made. I have to say, they are the most beautiful shoes I have ever seen – at least, the most beautiful MEN’S shoes I have ever seen. The thing is, though, that they are black with bright pink laces and blue inner lining. They also have lips in red, green and blue all over them. As soon as I looked at them, the first thing I thought was, “The shirt I wore today is the only shirt I have that will really go with these shoes.” So, I want to try to make myself some shirts that will go with these shoes. I have always loved the idea and look of DIY (do-it-yourself) clothing, but never really put too much thought into actually doing it for myself. I am really excited to give this a try. Another thing I want to do this weekend, depending on the size of my paycheck, is order some eyeshadows from a company that Whitney introduced me to, called Sugarpill. I am thinking I will probably wait on these, though, because the eyeshadows are $12 each, and I want to order at least 3 or 4. There are some colors I feel like I am really lacking right now, like a darker shade of pink, like a hot pink, as well as a more “neon” looking pink, and purples and reds. Sugarpill also has this green color called Absinthe that I completely fell in love with after watching some drag queen do a tutorial using it on YouTube. Like I said, though, I will probably wait on that until I get my next FULL paycheck. There ARE 3 paychecks in April, so that could wind up helpful with having a little extra money to buy the fancy makeup. In the meantime, Maybelline works for me. Either way, I really want to do some creative work this weekend. I am feeling more inspired than I have in a while lately and I don’t want to lose momentum with that.
Speaking of inspiration, Rachel and I have made plans for this Sunday again – we are planning to go to the Ringling Museum of Art. I am really excited for this because I have been dying to go there. In 5 years of living here in Sarasota, it is random that I have never actually gone there. I feel like there is a lot of really awesome stuff to do in this city and I have never actually gone out and taken advantage of most of it. I recently joined this Facebook group called 365 things to do in Sarasota, and it has given me a lot of cool ideas for things that I would like to go out and try here in town. For now, though, I will start off with Ringling. I also need to remember to save money for next weekend for our sushi dinner after the Gaga Flash Mob. I am still really excited for that and cannot wait to go do it – Rachel and I both discussed it and even if there aren’t many people who show up, we will still find a way to make it a completely epic evening. I can’t wait.
Right now, though, I need to get to bed. It is 11:49pm and I have to get up a little earlier than usual tomorrow morning – my alarm is set for 7:15am instead of 7:30am, because my Mom has a doctor’s appointment at 9am and if we want to workout tomorrow, we are going to have to do it earlier than we usually do. I told her I would have no problem waking up earlier to do it because no matter what, we need to be dedicating ourselves to doing this every day. If that means we need to wake up a little earlier than usual, that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. For that reason, I need to try to get to bed ASAP. So, I am off to bed to contemplate what the music for tomorrow morning's workout will be. I am think Kylie again, but maybe this time we will go with "Body Language" or "X" or maybe even "Light Years." Hell, we could just go with "Fever" again - it was pretty perfect. I think my Mom and I were both "feeling the fever." We'll see. For now, Goodnight.
So, my Mom and I worked out this morning after missing yesterday and it was actually a really fun workout. Our soundtrack for the morning’s workout was Kylie Minogue’s album, “Fever,” featuring some of her biggest hits here in the US, like “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head,” “Love At First Sight” and “Come Into My World.” It is a brilliant album and one of my favorites from her. It also makes for an excellent workout soundtrack and my Mom and I both felt a little extra motivated for the workout today with this album on. My Mom even thanked me for picking to play that album because it really helped push us a little harder than we may have if I had played Ke$ha or Sugababes or something else along those lines. It was perfect. It was a pretty rough workout this morning, but it went really well. It was very intense, but I pushed myself all the way through the full mile and my Mom pushed herself all the way through the second mile like we normally do, even though we were both still getting over sickness. By the time I finished my mile I was really sweating my ass off, which is kind of the point. However, as I ate breakfast, showered, dressed and put on makeup for the day afterwards I couldn’t seem to get myself to stop sweating. I’m not sure what it was, but I just couldn’t seem to cool down until well after I got to work today.
On the topic of makeup, though, I had a song stuck in my head this morning that kind of inspired the makeup look I did today. The song was a lesser-known B-Side by the Spice Girls called “Outer Space Girls,” and it really was the inspiration for my look today. I did a really bright pink on the inside corners of my eyes and blended it into blue on the rest of the lids, then did a glittery, metallic silver over the top and under the eye. I also used this as a good excuse to finally try using my silver chrome eyeliner, which looked really great with this look. I have this t-shirt by Surplus Clothing that incorporates pinks, blues and silvers in it’s design, so I decided to wear that to match it and I felt like I was looking pretty cute today. Aside from looking cute, though, I was really happy to have done something slightly more unique and artistic with makeup and to have drawn inspiration from music. I mean, every day I draw inspiration for my makeup from music in one way or another, but today I had a specific song in mind that really was the basis for the look and it made me feel extra artsy about it all. I even got complimented on the look by a couple different strangers today, which I always appreciate. I am a firm believer in compliments and I try to give them out as often as possible. I feel like if you see something in somebody else’s look or demeanor that you genuinely appreciate, it is always a good thing to tell them – it is sure to brighten up their day and make them feel a little better about themselves than they normally would. Plus, I love receiving compliments and, as they say, you only get what you give.
The workday wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the past few have been, but it wasn’t great. First of all, a few hours into the day I started feeling really strange pressure around my eyes and it gave me a really bad headache. This pressure didn’t go away for the rest of the day and my eyes were watering a bit all day long. Fortunately, my eye makeup is pretty heavy duty and didn’t get messed up at all during this. That, of course, was the only plus of the situation. When I got to work my sister was like, “Thank God you’re here,” because 2 of our night crew people called in sick and we were pretty much bare bones this evening. It helps, of course, that today was completely dead. We spent most of the day just sitting around. I finished reading, “The Science Of Getting Rich,” which I will say was definitely a really interesting book. It is basically Rhonda Byrne’s “The Secret,” except strictly focused on the money. What this book has done for me, though, is reminded me of the principles of “The Secret” and how well they had worked for me before. I am absolutely certain that I could make them work for me again. All it takes is some focus and certainty – two qualities that I posses a great deal of but don’t seem to use as often as I should. This is something I am going to be working on moving forward, as I think it could make some immense changes to my life like it did back in 2007. I think I may even start keeping a gratitude journal again for a while, which I always felt was a really good tool to remind me of the positive sides of life.
I also spent a little while this afternoon doing concept drawings of possible makeup looks for the future. I remember when Lady Gaga was on Oprah and they gave a look backstage at one of her concerts – one thing that they didn’t discuss, but that I noticed and found really interesting were drawings she had done of different looks she has done throughout her career so far. Since they didn’t discuss them, I can’t be too sure, but my thought was that these were drawings that she did before doing the looks – they were like her conceptualizing looks that she wanted to do. I found that a very interesting concept and was very into the idea of trying that for myself. It was a fun way to pass time at work, if nothing else. I was also thinking a lot today about the concept of hand painting t-shirts and I really think, depending on the size of my paycheck this week, I may go out this weekend and pick up some plain white t-shirts and some fabric paint and glitter to work on that this weekend and see what I can come up with. I am really excited about that idea and would love to do something with it. I have a bit of an added objective for that at this point, as well. You see, today I received a package in the mail – the pair of Limited Edition Van’s designed by Richie Rich of Heatherette that I purchased on Ebay. These shoes were designed strictly as a part of the gift bag for people attending Richie Rich’s Fall/Winter 2009 fashion show. There were only a few hundred pairs made. I have to say, they are the most beautiful shoes I have ever seen – at least, the most beautiful MEN’S shoes I have ever seen. The thing is, though, that they are black with bright pink laces and blue inner lining. They also have lips in red, green and blue all over them. As soon as I looked at them, the first thing I thought was, “The shirt I wore today is the only shirt I have that will really go with these shoes.” So, I want to try to make myself some shirts that will go with these shoes. I have always loved the idea and look of DIY (do-it-yourself) clothing, but never really put too much thought into actually doing it for myself. I am really excited to give this a try. Another thing I want to do this weekend, depending on the size of my paycheck, is order some eyeshadows from a company that Whitney introduced me to, called Sugarpill. I am thinking I will probably wait on these, though, because the eyeshadows are $12 each, and I want to order at least 3 or 4. There are some colors I feel like I am really lacking right now, like a darker shade of pink, like a hot pink, as well as a more “neon” looking pink, and purples and reds. Sugarpill also has this green color called Absinthe that I completely fell in love with after watching some drag queen do a tutorial using it on YouTube. Like I said, though, I will probably wait on that until I get my next FULL paycheck. There ARE 3 paychecks in April, so that could wind up helpful with having a little extra money to buy the fancy makeup. In the meantime, Maybelline works for me. Either way, I really want to do some creative work this weekend. I am feeling more inspired than I have in a while lately and I don’t want to lose momentum with that.
Speaking of inspiration, Rachel and I have made plans for this Sunday again – we are planning to go to the Ringling Museum of Art. I am really excited for this because I have been dying to go there. In 5 years of living here in Sarasota, it is random that I have never actually gone there. I feel like there is a lot of really awesome stuff to do in this city and I have never actually gone out and taken advantage of most of it. I recently joined this Facebook group called 365 things to do in Sarasota, and it has given me a lot of cool ideas for things that I would like to go out and try here in town. For now, though, I will start off with Ringling. I also need to remember to save money for next weekend for our sushi dinner after the Gaga Flash Mob. I am still really excited for that and cannot wait to go do it – Rachel and I both discussed it and even if there aren’t many people who show up, we will still find a way to make it a completely epic evening. I can’t wait.
Right now, though, I need to get to bed. It is 11:49pm and I have to get up a little earlier than usual tomorrow morning – my alarm is set for 7:15am instead of 7:30am, because my Mom has a doctor’s appointment at 9am and if we want to workout tomorrow, we are going to have to do it earlier than we usually do. I told her I would have no problem waking up earlier to do it because no matter what, we need to be dedicating ourselves to doing this every day. If that means we need to wake up a little earlier than usual, that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. For that reason, I need to try to get to bed ASAP. So, I am off to bed to contemplate what the music for tomorrow morning's workout will be. I am think Kylie again, but maybe this time we will go with "Body Language" or "X" or maybe even "Light Years." Hell, we could just go with "Fever" again - it was pretty perfect. I think my Mom and I were both "feeling the fever." We'll see. For now, Goodnight.
Chapter 118: Telephone
Remember how I ended last night’s blog saying how much I hoped that today would wind up better than yesterday was? Remember how I started last night’s blog with that exact same question? Well, I am going to follow the exact same question with the exact same answer – It wasn’t. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I felt horrible Thursday, Friday and most of Saturday last week but really seemed to be better on Sunday. I have no idea why, but I got worse than I originally was come Monday and have only gotten worse since then. It is so bad at this point that not only is my nose all stopped up and I am coughing and sounding ridiculous on the phone, but this evening my right ear started hearing all muffled and fucked up. Basically, I feel terrible right now. I felt pretty horrible when I woke up this morning, too, but I still suffered through another unbearably long day at work. About midway through today, though, I made the decision that if I am still feeling like this when I wake up tomorrow morning I will be calling in sick. I’ve been a complete mess all week, feeling like shit every day and I feel like it has definitely affected my work performance, as well. I find myself feeling extremely irritable on the phone with customers and getting very impatient with all of my co-workers. Plus, as I discussed yesterday, everyone has been telling me how horrible I look, as well, which doesn’t help my mood at all. My sister told me today about a walk-in clinic in town that is open on the weekends and accepts our insurance – she said that if I am not better by Saturday, I need to go down there. She is right, I know – I don’t like the idea of it, but if I am still feeling like this on Saturday, I will definitely go. This is getting a little ridiculous. I know that the cold virus stays in the body for about 3 weeks, but the bad part should be over by now, I would think. It certainly shouldn’t be getting worse at this point, I wouldn’t think. I don’t know… I just know that I feel terrible.
I am not going to write the full blog tonight because I am feeling so awful and need to get to sleep, but there are a few bullet points I wanted to hit. First of all, I did not work out this morning. I woke up late again and was still feeling terrible and my Mom kind of said, “it’s okay to skip a day.” I don’t want to lose momentum and I don’t want to keep making excuses, but at the same time you are often warned about not pushing yourself TOO hard. Plus, as I mentioned, I was feeling terrible. No matter how I feel tomorrow morning, before I make the decision on whether or not I feel well enough to go to work, I am going to workout. I figure how the workout goes will be a good indicator of whether or not I am well enough to go to work. We’ll see how it goes. I do think, though, that starting back up with only 4 days this week is probably a wise move, aside from the sick factor. I don’t want it to be a terrible chore – I want to enjoy it. If I am stressing myself out over missing a day or whatever else, I am going to feel more burdened by it than anything else. Of course, I still kind of feel like this is just my way of rationalizing not doing it today… but a decent point, as well. There is another thing that is really motivating me to stay on the workout wagon right now, as well. My new friend on Facebook, Kelly, has decided to take a stab at the wonderful world of blogging, as well, and she has started a blog about Training to run a 5k and improving her health. You can follow her new blog by clicking HERE, which I highly recommend. She is a very interesting woman and I imagine will have a lot of really interesting insights into the world of diets and exercise. She even told me that she was inspired to start this blog by my workout regime, which is a wonderful feeling and a great responsibility. When you find out that you have been the inspiration for somebody else to make a positive change in their life, you kind of have this feeling that if what you did to inspire them doesn’t pan out it will somehow negatively affect what they are doing. I know this is a silly idea, but it is leaving me feeling much more motivated to continue my workout regime, and so I am going with it. I also find it really interesting, too, that I kind of started this blog after being inspired by my dear friend Nate and his YouTube vlog, and now my blog has inspired somebody else to create something new and take on a great new project in their life – it all comes full circle, you know? Life can be crazy like that sometimes, and I believe that there is hidden meaning in things like this – what those meanings are, I have no idea, but I definitely think they are there. Perhaps they simply serve to show us how we are all connected to one another and have the power to create positive change in others, and in turn create positive change in the world. I don’t know… but I am happy and grateful for it.
Another thing I feel very happy and grateful for is Lady Gaga, who today went from being the first artist in history to have her first five consecutive singles go number one in America to being the first artist in history to have her first SIX consecutive singles go number one in America!!! Yes, today Lady Gaga’s sixth U.S. single, “Telephone (featuring Beyonce,)” officially went number one!!! This is no small feat for Gaga, especially considering how music just doesn’t sell like it used to nowadays. Another insane feat that Gaga reached the other day is her debut album, “The Fame” being certified Diamond, selling over 10 million copies worldwide. For an artist who has only been in the public eye since the fourth quarter of 2008, that is INSANE. I don’t care what anyone says, I really do believe that Gaga is the return of the REAL DEAL artist with the kind of staying power that the world hasn’t seen since the early days of legends like Madonna and Cher and such. She may not be there yet, but I am certain that one day we will be counting Gaga amongst the world’s greatest divas and icons. She is just one of the most amazing artists of my generation and I am so glad she is here and doing as well as she is. She deserves every last bit of it! Also, I think I have officially made my selection for winner of this season of American Idol – a girl named Katelyn Epperly. Hers was one of the only performances that stood out to me last week and after tonight’s performance, (she did an absolutely stunning rendition of Coldplay’s “The Scientist,”) I am pretty convinced that she is going to be the one to win it all this year. I know it is a little early to be picking a winner, but I picked Jordin Sparks to win at this same stage on her season, and Carrie Underwood in her season, as well. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I have an eye for these things for some reason and I am betting this girl is going to win.
Aside from all that, I spent the day at work feeling miserable and counting down the hours until I got to go home. They are having this silly “contest” at work for people to try to design new logos for the company I work for. I spent a good portion of the day drawing random things for that – I even did one that was Lady Gaga with a hair bow. It was silly, but it passed the time. Okay, it didn’t really pass the time, but it was something to do while the time dragged by. I really don’t want to miss another day of work, but the idea of suffering through a fourth day like the past 3 have been is really a terrible idea to me. I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow, honestly. I figure, if I can’t hear out of one ear that isn’t a good thing for being on the phone. I have already had a few customers complain about my voice sounding garbled or muffled or something, I really don’t want to add to their complaints by having to ask them to repeat themselves, as well. I suppose we’ll see how I am doing in the morning. I really hope I am just feeling better and can stop worrying about this. I am really keeping my fingers crossed for that outcome. We’ll see, though. For now, it is after midnight and I need to go to sleep.
I am not going to write the full blog tonight because I am feeling so awful and need to get to sleep, but there are a few bullet points I wanted to hit. First of all, I did not work out this morning. I woke up late again and was still feeling terrible and my Mom kind of said, “it’s okay to skip a day.” I don’t want to lose momentum and I don’t want to keep making excuses, but at the same time you are often warned about not pushing yourself TOO hard. Plus, as I mentioned, I was feeling terrible. No matter how I feel tomorrow morning, before I make the decision on whether or not I feel well enough to go to work, I am going to workout. I figure how the workout goes will be a good indicator of whether or not I am well enough to go to work. We’ll see how it goes. I do think, though, that starting back up with only 4 days this week is probably a wise move, aside from the sick factor. I don’t want it to be a terrible chore – I want to enjoy it. If I am stressing myself out over missing a day or whatever else, I am going to feel more burdened by it than anything else. Of course, I still kind of feel like this is just my way of rationalizing not doing it today… but a decent point, as well. There is another thing that is really motivating me to stay on the workout wagon right now, as well. My new friend on Facebook, Kelly, has decided to take a stab at the wonderful world of blogging, as well, and she has started a blog about Training to run a 5k and improving her health. You can follow her new blog by clicking HERE, which I highly recommend. She is a very interesting woman and I imagine will have a lot of really interesting insights into the world of diets and exercise. She even told me that she was inspired to start this blog by my workout regime, which is a wonderful feeling and a great responsibility. When you find out that you have been the inspiration for somebody else to make a positive change in their life, you kind of have this feeling that if what you did to inspire them doesn’t pan out it will somehow negatively affect what they are doing. I know this is a silly idea, but it is leaving me feeling much more motivated to continue my workout regime, and so I am going with it. I also find it really interesting, too, that I kind of started this blog after being inspired by my dear friend Nate and his YouTube vlog, and now my blog has inspired somebody else to create something new and take on a great new project in their life – it all comes full circle, you know? Life can be crazy like that sometimes, and I believe that there is hidden meaning in things like this – what those meanings are, I have no idea, but I definitely think they are there. Perhaps they simply serve to show us how we are all connected to one another and have the power to create positive change in others, and in turn create positive change in the world. I don’t know… but I am happy and grateful for it.
Another thing I feel very happy and grateful for is Lady Gaga, who today went from being the first artist in history to have her first five consecutive singles go number one in America to being the first artist in history to have her first SIX consecutive singles go number one in America!!! Yes, today Lady Gaga’s sixth U.S. single, “Telephone (featuring Beyonce,)” officially went number one!!! This is no small feat for Gaga, especially considering how music just doesn’t sell like it used to nowadays. Another insane feat that Gaga reached the other day is her debut album, “The Fame” being certified Diamond, selling over 10 million copies worldwide. For an artist who has only been in the public eye since the fourth quarter of 2008, that is INSANE. I don’t care what anyone says, I really do believe that Gaga is the return of the REAL DEAL artist with the kind of staying power that the world hasn’t seen since the early days of legends like Madonna and Cher and such. She may not be there yet, but I am certain that one day we will be counting Gaga amongst the world’s greatest divas and icons. She is just one of the most amazing artists of my generation and I am so glad she is here and doing as well as she is. She deserves every last bit of it! Also, I think I have officially made my selection for winner of this season of American Idol – a girl named Katelyn Epperly. Hers was one of the only performances that stood out to me last week and after tonight’s performance, (she did an absolutely stunning rendition of Coldplay’s “The Scientist,”) I am pretty convinced that she is going to be the one to win it all this year. I know it is a little early to be picking a winner, but I picked Jordin Sparks to win at this same stage on her season, and Carrie Underwood in her season, as well. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I have an eye for these things for some reason and I am betting this girl is going to win.
Aside from all that, I spent the day at work feeling miserable and counting down the hours until I got to go home. They are having this silly “contest” at work for people to try to design new logos for the company I work for. I spent a good portion of the day drawing random things for that – I even did one that was Lady Gaga with a hair bow. It was silly, but it passed the time. Okay, it didn’t really pass the time, but it was something to do while the time dragged by. I really don’t want to miss another day of work, but the idea of suffering through a fourth day like the past 3 have been is really a terrible idea to me. I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow, honestly. I figure, if I can’t hear out of one ear that isn’t a good thing for being on the phone. I have already had a few customers complain about my voice sounding garbled or muffled or something, I really don’t want to add to their complaints by having to ask them to repeat themselves, as well. I suppose we’ll see how I am doing in the morning. I really hope I am just feeling better and can stop worrying about this. I am really keeping my fingers crossed for that outcome. We’ll see, though. For now, it is after midnight and I need to go to sleep.
Wednesday, March 3
Chapter 117: Happiness
Remember how I ended last night’s blog saying how much I hoped that today would wind up better than yesterday was? It wasn’t. I woke up at 7:45am feeling pretty wretched and rushed in order to be ready to workout by 8am. I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face, smoked a cigarette and immediately got up to workout. My Mom wasn’t feeling the best this morning, either, and we both kind of briefly discussed skipping working out today. It was one of those conversations where we both kind of wanted to skip it but were trying to get the other to be the one to actually say it. Neither of us did, and so we wound up working out to the sound of Hilary Duff’s album “Dignity.” This was a good workout record but neither of us were really feeling it and wound up stopping early – I did the half mile and my Mom did the whole mile, in comparison to usual when I do the whole mile and she does two miles. I was still really congested and having trouble breathing so much. I really felt shitty, but not shitty enough to call in sick to work. After missing time last week, I have been pretty determined not to have that problem this week. I can manage having one short paycheck, but having my next two paychecks be short just isn’t worth it. Still, I felt like crap.
Kind of inspired by the Hilary Duff song “Stranger,” the opening track on the “Dignity” album with a very cool middle-eastern inspired beat, I decided to try a little bit of a middle-eastern inspired makeup look today. I used the deep purple Christian Siriano eyeshadow, called Royalty, on both the inside and outside corners of the lids, with a kind of bronze/pink Christian Siriano shade called Sandstorm in the middle and up along the browline. I liked it a lot. I wore a black Calvin Klein polo and black slacks, along with my black and gray argyle Tommy Hilfiger shoes, and felt like I was looking pretty hot when I left the house this morning. Unfortunately, no matter how hot my outfit or makeup was, I spent the entire day being told, “You don’t look so good.” That is probably my least favorite part about being sick – everyone feels like they have free reign to tell you that you look like shit. I guess the only part of being sick that I like less is the fact that everyone is right when they tell you that you look like shit. This is, of course, simply me being vain. I try to avoid being vain or egotistical, and instead just be confident – unfortunately, there is a very fine line between those two attitudes and I walk very close to that line. Sometimes I worry that I am falling to the wrong side of the line, but then I spend an entire day being told I look like shit or I get stung by a bee and my entire face swells up, and it brings me back down to earth a little bit.
Work was pretty uneventful today. I spent the bulk of the day reading “The Science of Getting Rich,” but I can only take so much of that book at a time. It’s a lot to take in. This book basically teaches that the only way to live a complete and fulfilled life is by having shitloads of money. I don’t really agree with that, but it certainly makes some valid points. The best point it makes is that in our society, money equates to access, and access is what we are all seeking in life. We are all trying to reach new heights in one way or another and, no matter what path we are trying to go down, we need money to get to where we are going. If we are artists, money buys us the supplies we need to create whatever our masterpieces. If we are intellectuals, money buys us tickets to travel, books to study and whatever else we may need to reach our higher level of education. If we are spiritualists or philanthropists, money allows us to help more people and make more of a difference in the world. Essentially, money is vital to all of our lives no matter how we break it down. I have always disagreed with the concept that “Money is the root of all evil.” Money can do great things for all of us. It is our own competitive nature and greed that is truly the root of the evils that so many people blame on money. I have also never been one of those people who put that much of a focus on money in my life, though. I don’t believe that money should be anybody’s main focus in life – money is just a means to an end. Still, it does seem to be a really useful means to said end. I don’t know – money is a complicated issue. All I know is that right now, I could really use more of it.
Aside from being told I look like shit and reading the book today, I also did a little drawing at work today. This is a good thing because I haven’t really done much in the way of drawing in a while, basically since finishing the drawings I was planning to submit to the t-shirt company. All I drew were a few flowers and a random pair of fairy eyes amidst them. They weren’t just random fairy eyes, though – they had drag queen makeup on! I had spent a little while before trying to figure out how to draw an at least partially realistic looking flower before and I think I may have pulled it off today. I was pretty happy with that. I really do feel like, after having felt so discouraged before, I am picking back up on all of my artistic endeavors. That is really a good thing. I even wrote a new song yesterday. The song was inspired by a story in the book “The Science Of Getting Rich” about a little boy sitting at a piano trying to play it but not knowing how to. When asked what was wrong, the boy said, “I can feel the music in me, I just can’t make my fingers go right.” I may be 26 years old and know a little more about grammar, but I AM that kid. That is exactly how I feel right now. Of course, that is exactly why I have music lessons scheduled for next week, as well. I am really excited for that, too. Much like the last lessons I had scheduled, it definitely makes me a little nervous and there is a certain amount of fear involved – what if I can’t do it? This is exactly what I need, though. If it turns out that I just don’t have an ear for playing music, it won’t be the end of the world. I will simply have to figure out another way. I could find other people who do have an ear for music and collaborate with them. “The Science Of Getting Rich” has reminded me, more than anything else, of the fact that we all have the power to create anything we could ever possibly want. There is no limit to what we can create for ourselves in this life – the only limits that exist in this world are the ones we place on ourselves. Music is what I am meant to do in this world. No matter what happens with my music lessons or whatever else, I will find a way to make it work for me because I know that this is what I am meant for and what I want more than anything else in this world. The only limits are the ones I have allowed my fear to place on me – no more.
This evening, after work, I watched today’s episode of Oprah and was extremely inspired by it. Today was her special pre-Oscar episode and her first guest was esteemed film critic Roger Ebert. For those who don’t know, which I was included in before today, Roger Ebert had a pretty severe cancer a few years back and underwent several surgeries and wound up losing the bottom portion of his jaw and mouth. He is no longer able to eat or drink regular foods or speak out loud. He has one of those generic voice computer systems where he can type things in and it speaks for him, like Stephen Hawkings has, and he did an entire interview with Oprah, including his Oscar picks for this year, using this machine. The thing is, speaking through this machine and not having the ability to close his mouth, he came across as completely joyful. He just had the most positive attitude and seemed genuinely happy with his life. THAT is an absolute inspiration and something we should all strive for. It honestly makes me feel kind of silly for allowing myself to feel down when I don’t hear from my friends or I don’t have a boyfriend or have to cancel my music lessons or whatever other things I let bring me down in life. If Roger Ebert can find a way to be happy in his state, I don’t see any reason at all why any of the rest of us can’t. Equally as inspiring is his wife, Chaz Ebert, whose entire life is now dedicated to taking care of him, but who still looks at him with such an immense love in her eyes. They are both true inspirations in this world, as far as I am concerned. That wasn’t all Oprah had going on, though – she also had Morgan Freeman on, who I don’t really care much about, Colin Firth, who I adore, and one of my biggest inspirations in life, Tom Ford. Tom Ford, for those who don’t know, was the designer for Gucci for 10 years and is the man responsible for making Gucci the standard and classic that it is today, and has recently made his very first film, “A Single Man,” a film that I have yet to see, but am completely obsessed with seeing. It looks amazing. Tom Ford was completely effervescent and inspiring on Oprah, just as he is everywhere else you may see him. In discussing the making of this film, as well as creating his Tom Ford clothing line, he speaks with such reverence for his own work. He really seems to recognize the brilliance and beauty in what he does, and I find that extremely inspiring. I find modesty and humbleness nice ideas but, more often than not, a little silly. I find it much more interesting and honest for somebody to respond to a compliment with, “I appreciate that and I agree, I worked really hard to achieve this.” Somewhere along the line society decided that being self-congratulatory was a negative thing, and I think that is a lot of what causes people to have such issues with low self-esteem and such. I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with being proud of and appreciating your own accomplishments. For somebody like Tom Ford, who works so hard on the projects he takes on, I believe it is not only healthy but absolutely necessary to take a step back to really appreciate the fruits of your own labors.
I wound up feeling worse this evening than I have before since getting sick. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but I REALLY think I should go to work. I don’t really feel like not going to work is an option. These past two days have felt pretty unbearably long, though, and it really feels like it should be Thursday or Friday by now, not just about to be Wednesday. It sucks, but I will manage to make it through. Unless I wake up tomorrow unable to move or something, I will get up and go through the normal routine – coffee and cigarettes, workout, breakfast, shower, clothes, hair & makeup, work. It will be fine. I am not going to wind up with two short paychecks. Even if tomorrow feels unbearably long again, it is only actually 8 hours and I will force myself to remember that. It isn’t ACTUALLY an unbearably long time – it just feels that way sometimes. It is after midnight, though, and I took some Nyquil earlier, so I should probably get to bed.
Kind of inspired by the Hilary Duff song “Stranger,” the opening track on the “Dignity” album with a very cool middle-eastern inspired beat, I decided to try a little bit of a middle-eastern inspired makeup look today. I used the deep purple Christian Siriano eyeshadow, called Royalty, on both the inside and outside corners of the lids, with a kind of bronze/pink Christian Siriano shade called Sandstorm in the middle and up along the browline. I liked it a lot. I wore a black Calvin Klein polo and black slacks, along with my black and gray argyle Tommy Hilfiger shoes, and felt like I was looking pretty hot when I left the house this morning. Unfortunately, no matter how hot my outfit or makeup was, I spent the entire day being told, “You don’t look so good.” That is probably my least favorite part about being sick – everyone feels like they have free reign to tell you that you look like shit. I guess the only part of being sick that I like less is the fact that everyone is right when they tell you that you look like shit. This is, of course, simply me being vain. I try to avoid being vain or egotistical, and instead just be confident – unfortunately, there is a very fine line between those two attitudes and I walk very close to that line. Sometimes I worry that I am falling to the wrong side of the line, but then I spend an entire day being told I look like shit or I get stung by a bee and my entire face swells up, and it brings me back down to earth a little bit.
Work was pretty uneventful today. I spent the bulk of the day reading “The Science of Getting Rich,” but I can only take so much of that book at a time. It’s a lot to take in. This book basically teaches that the only way to live a complete and fulfilled life is by having shitloads of money. I don’t really agree with that, but it certainly makes some valid points. The best point it makes is that in our society, money equates to access, and access is what we are all seeking in life. We are all trying to reach new heights in one way or another and, no matter what path we are trying to go down, we need money to get to where we are going. If we are artists, money buys us the supplies we need to create whatever our masterpieces. If we are intellectuals, money buys us tickets to travel, books to study and whatever else we may need to reach our higher level of education. If we are spiritualists or philanthropists, money allows us to help more people and make more of a difference in the world. Essentially, money is vital to all of our lives no matter how we break it down. I have always disagreed with the concept that “Money is the root of all evil.” Money can do great things for all of us. It is our own competitive nature and greed that is truly the root of the evils that so many people blame on money. I have also never been one of those people who put that much of a focus on money in my life, though. I don’t believe that money should be anybody’s main focus in life – money is just a means to an end. Still, it does seem to be a really useful means to said end. I don’t know – money is a complicated issue. All I know is that right now, I could really use more of it.
Aside from being told I look like shit and reading the book today, I also did a little drawing at work today. This is a good thing because I haven’t really done much in the way of drawing in a while, basically since finishing the drawings I was planning to submit to the t-shirt company. All I drew were a few flowers and a random pair of fairy eyes amidst them. They weren’t just random fairy eyes, though – they had drag queen makeup on! I had spent a little while before trying to figure out how to draw an at least partially realistic looking flower before and I think I may have pulled it off today. I was pretty happy with that. I really do feel like, after having felt so discouraged before, I am picking back up on all of my artistic endeavors. That is really a good thing. I even wrote a new song yesterday. The song was inspired by a story in the book “The Science Of Getting Rich” about a little boy sitting at a piano trying to play it but not knowing how to. When asked what was wrong, the boy said, “I can feel the music in me, I just can’t make my fingers go right.” I may be 26 years old and know a little more about grammar, but I AM that kid. That is exactly how I feel right now. Of course, that is exactly why I have music lessons scheduled for next week, as well. I am really excited for that, too. Much like the last lessons I had scheduled, it definitely makes me a little nervous and there is a certain amount of fear involved – what if I can’t do it? This is exactly what I need, though. If it turns out that I just don’t have an ear for playing music, it won’t be the end of the world. I will simply have to figure out another way. I could find other people who do have an ear for music and collaborate with them. “The Science Of Getting Rich” has reminded me, more than anything else, of the fact that we all have the power to create anything we could ever possibly want. There is no limit to what we can create for ourselves in this life – the only limits that exist in this world are the ones we place on ourselves. Music is what I am meant to do in this world. No matter what happens with my music lessons or whatever else, I will find a way to make it work for me because I know that this is what I am meant for and what I want more than anything else in this world. The only limits are the ones I have allowed my fear to place on me – no more.
This evening, after work, I watched today’s episode of Oprah and was extremely inspired by it. Today was her special pre-Oscar episode and her first guest was esteemed film critic Roger Ebert. For those who don’t know, which I was included in before today, Roger Ebert had a pretty severe cancer a few years back and underwent several surgeries and wound up losing the bottom portion of his jaw and mouth. He is no longer able to eat or drink regular foods or speak out loud. He has one of those generic voice computer systems where he can type things in and it speaks for him, like Stephen Hawkings has, and he did an entire interview with Oprah, including his Oscar picks for this year, using this machine. The thing is, speaking through this machine and not having the ability to close his mouth, he came across as completely joyful. He just had the most positive attitude and seemed genuinely happy with his life. THAT is an absolute inspiration and something we should all strive for. It honestly makes me feel kind of silly for allowing myself to feel down when I don’t hear from my friends or I don’t have a boyfriend or have to cancel my music lessons or whatever other things I let bring me down in life. If Roger Ebert can find a way to be happy in his state, I don’t see any reason at all why any of the rest of us can’t. Equally as inspiring is his wife, Chaz Ebert, whose entire life is now dedicated to taking care of him, but who still looks at him with such an immense love in her eyes. They are both true inspirations in this world, as far as I am concerned. That wasn’t all Oprah had going on, though – she also had Morgan Freeman on, who I don’t really care much about, Colin Firth, who I adore, and one of my biggest inspirations in life, Tom Ford. Tom Ford, for those who don’t know, was the designer for Gucci for 10 years and is the man responsible for making Gucci the standard and classic that it is today, and has recently made his very first film, “A Single Man,” a film that I have yet to see, but am completely obsessed with seeing. It looks amazing. Tom Ford was completely effervescent and inspiring on Oprah, just as he is everywhere else you may see him. In discussing the making of this film, as well as creating his Tom Ford clothing line, he speaks with such reverence for his own work. He really seems to recognize the brilliance and beauty in what he does, and I find that extremely inspiring. I find modesty and humbleness nice ideas but, more often than not, a little silly. I find it much more interesting and honest for somebody to respond to a compliment with, “I appreciate that and I agree, I worked really hard to achieve this.” Somewhere along the line society decided that being self-congratulatory was a negative thing, and I think that is a lot of what causes people to have such issues with low self-esteem and such. I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with being proud of and appreciating your own accomplishments. For somebody like Tom Ford, who works so hard on the projects he takes on, I believe it is not only healthy but absolutely necessary to take a step back to really appreciate the fruits of your own labors.
I wound up feeling worse this evening than I have before since getting sick. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but I REALLY think I should go to work. I don’t really feel like not going to work is an option. These past two days have felt pretty unbearably long, though, and it really feels like it should be Thursday or Friday by now, not just about to be Wednesday. It sucks, but I will manage to make it through. Unless I wake up tomorrow unable to move or something, I will get up and go through the normal routine – coffee and cigarettes, workout, breakfast, shower, clothes, hair & makeup, work. It will be fine. I am not going to wind up with two short paychecks. Even if tomorrow feels unbearably long again, it is only actually 8 hours and I will force myself to remember that. It isn’t ACTUALLY an unbearably long time – it just feels that way sometimes. It is after midnight, though, and I took some Nyquil earlier, so I should probably get to bed.
Monday, March 1
Chapter 116: Pirate Bones
Today. What is there to be said about today? I guess I’ll start from the beginning. In fact, I’ll do one better and give a little bit of a prequel. Last night I wound up getting into bed at 12:30am and was having a little trouble getting my head to stop long enough for me to fall asleep. I found this really strange because I actually felt pretty exhausted and had since something like 7pm yesterday evening. For one reason or another, though, I just couldn’t get to sleep. First, I was playing solitaire on my cell phone for a while. Then I created a playlist to workout to this morning. Then I decided to lay my head down and close my eyes and actually try to sleep, at which point I began fixating on my parasailing experience. Last summer, for my friend Kessler’s birthday, we decided to go parasailing. It was a lovely day and my sister and her girlfriend went out with us for the boat ride and it all seemed perfectly fine and normal. Then I got about 50 feet in the air and the parasail somehow broke and I went hurtling into the ocean. I broke a couple teeth and was pretty banged up, but it wasn’t anything too severe and I really didn’t think much of it as it happened. After the fact, however, it really set in. Had the parasail held out just moments longer, I could have died. It is pretty scary to think about, honestly, and really serves to remind me that I am here for a reason. Still, every now and then, mostly when I am going to bed at night, it will pop into my head and I will be kind of overcome with this feeling of terror. It doesn’t happen THAT often anymore but it’s certainly not a pleasant experience when it does. Like I said, that thing was traveling really fast and just a few moments longer and I could have been dead or seriously injured. It really is yet another piece of evidence that the Universe is working in my favor. Still, last night I had gotten caught up in thoughts of that whole experience and it kept me awake for quite a while. It was one of those nights where my alarm went off and I felt as if I never actually fell asleep. Like, I never noticed that I fell asleep at any point. Still, I felt surprisingly upbeat when I woke up this morning. I was slightly congested or “stopped up” in my head, but aside from that I was feeling pretty decent.
I got up and brushed my teeth, used my Clean & Clear Morning Burst facial cleanser and sat down to a cigarette and a cup of coffee. By the time I finished just one cigarette, I realized it was already 8am. 8am is our unofficial, unspoken designated workout time. I went out to the living room with my iPod speakers and set it up to shuffle the playlist I had thrown together last night. After my Monica kick last night, I was really kind of in the mood for some R&B divas to workout to this morning, so I threw together this playlist of fabulous urban dance music. It included “Just Fine” by Mary J. Blige, “Sweet Dreams” by Beyonce, “Fergalicious” by Fergie, “Rude Boy” by Rihanna and a variety of other hot R&B dance tracks by Missy Elliott, Monica, Brandy, Jennifer Hudson, Kristinia Debarge, Keri Hilson, Black Eyed Peas, etc. It worked out really well for the workout. It was a pretty intense workout today. I don’t know if it was the fact that I hadn’t done it in a week or the fact that I was so congested or what, but it really wore me out this morning. I also pushed myself harder than I have a lot of the times when we have done this workout. It was really good, but I was glad when it was over. My Mom and I discussed it and we both kind of agreed that we are really determined and dedicated to losing weight and have agreed to stop screwing around and really focus on it. My goal is to lose 6-8 pant sizes, so I can fit into some Calvin Klein jeans. As I’ve said all along, fashion is my inspiration in this whole thing, and it is the greatest motivator I can think of.
Speaking of fashion, I decided that since I had missed half of last Thursday and last Friday this day was kind of my “comeback” at work and I should dress accordingly. I wore the white Kenneth Cole polo shirt I had picked up at Burlington a couple weeks ago with black slacks and my dress shoes. I wore my green Maybelline eyeshadow duo, Ivy Icon, with the black/gold glitter Christian Siriano shadow I got for a really light but serious look on my eyes, and I felt like I was looking pretty damn fabulous. Of course, it didn’t take long for my Mom to point out that you could clearly see my nipples through my shirt. I didn’t care, though. I figure there is nothing wrong with being slightly “provocative” every now and then. I am kidding of course, but I figured it wasn’t noticeable enough to change. Besides, the Kenneth Cole polo is gorgeous and I really wanted to wear it, so I threw caution (not to mention my nipples) to the wind and left the house. I didn’t even take a jacket with me today, which I discovered on my lunch break was a terrible idea as I was freezing and my nipples were then poking out. Oh well, though, I still looked good. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel very good. My congestion only got worse as the day wore on and the effects of the bad night of sleep set in pretty quickly after I got to work. I will just say, it wasn’t the best day ever.
After finishing “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less” last week, I started reading a book called “The Secret.” Not “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, which I have based a good chunk of my life around, but “The Secret” by Michael Berg, of the Berg family who founded the Kabbalah Centre International. Of course, Michael Berg’s “The Secret” is a pretty similar concept to Rhonda Byrne’s, except less self-serving. Basically, it discusses focusing on the things we want out of life but that in order to achieve those things we have to transform ourselves into beings of sharing, and as we share with others the Creator or the Universe will share with us. I like this idea much more than Rhonda Byrne’s because it just seems like there has to be some sort of accountability in life and we can’t just be focused solely on ourselves when there is so much going wrong in the world. This concept kind of ties in with the book I started reading today after finishing “The Secret.” “The Science Of Getting Rich” by Wallace Wattles. This is the book that actually inspired Rhonda Byrne to write “The Secret” and basically expresses the exact same concept as “The Secret,” except it is solely based on money. Again, unlike Rhonda Byrne’s “The Secret,” this book does encourage charitable acts and, even more, advises that money is there to help us to become the best versions of ourselves we can possibly be, and becoming our very best is the best way that we can make a difference in this world. One thing that I find very inspiring about this book is how much it discourages competitiveness. It seems like people have a tendency to get so focused on competing with each other and really get caught up in the concept of, “if this person gets this money/attention/whatever else, that means there is less for me to have.” This book basically teaches that there is no limit to what can be had out there and there is no need for us to feel any form of envy or competition with others, or any ill will towards those who have good things happen to them. I love that whole idea, although I will admit, it is something I still have a good deal of work to do on. It really reminds me of this song by Natasha Bedingfield, called “Pirate Bones,” that says, “It's not worth having if it's too much to hold, You can dig so deep that you're left with a hole, Thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold. Don't wanna end up like pirate bones, What I thought was precious was just a pile of stones, I might have the treasure but I'll be lying alone, Just a pile of pirate bones. If I forfeit my soul it ain't worth having, if it's something I stole it ain't worth having.” It’s so true that when we are greedy and fight tooth and nail for money or material things, they are really not worth having. This is one of the parts of human nature that I feel most urgently needs to be corrected. Of course, as Jewel said, “What we call human nature in actuality is human habit.” How do you correct the world’s collective habit, though? Lead by example, I suppose. Like the Dalai Llama said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Let me stop speaking in quotes.
When I got home this evening I did something I probably shouldn’t have, but that I simply couldn’t resist. I downloaded some porn. Not just any porn, though. Porn starring a reality star – not some unauthorized sex tape, but a reality star making the conscious decision to say, “You know what I’m going to do? Make some porn!” It was done with a big name gay porn studio and everything. Steven Daigle, who was on season 10 of one of my favorite reality shows, “Big Brother,” is now making porn with Chi Chi LaRue, and I am not going to lie here – it’s impressive. I don’t understand why more reality stars don’t make that jump on purpose. It seems like a much more feasible way to make the foray from being reality star famous to a much more lucrative and higher level version of fame. After all, for every Jacinda Barrett, (who went from the “Real World London” to legitimate and brilliant Hollywood actress,) there is about 15 Nikki McKibbins, (from “American Idol,” who successfully made her way into a spot on “Celebrity Rehab.”) It just seems like so few of them are going to make it in ACTUAL Hollywood that it would only make sense to take the short drive to the Valley where so many major porn studios are and make a name for themselves in that way. I mean, if I were on a reality show I don’t think I would make that leap but for people who are clearly “the type” and clearly desperate for fame, it seems like a really logical option. Anyway, the Steven Daigle porn gets two thumbs up from me! It was all very cleverly put together and he is just a really appealing guy, not to mention being hot.
So, I posted on Facebook earlier in the day that the most exciting part of this day was the fact that there was a new episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” on tonight. Well, after my Mom got home and we ate leftover spaghetti for dinner, we sat down to watch the new episode and found nothing but a re-run. That was enough to cap off this day. I already felt like shit, was cold and had my nipples on display all day, but not getting my RuPaul fix was just enough to make me ready for this day to end. I am really exhausted, actually. I took some Nyquil in hopes of waking up in the morning less congested and feeling better than I did today. I also intend to take some Dayquil when I wake up and hopefully tomorrow I will feel better than I did today. It is now 11:40pm, though, and I should really get to sleep. Like I said, I am ready for this day to end and to start a new, much better one. Goodnight.
I got up and brushed my teeth, used my Clean & Clear Morning Burst facial cleanser and sat down to a cigarette and a cup of coffee. By the time I finished just one cigarette, I realized it was already 8am. 8am is our unofficial, unspoken designated workout time. I went out to the living room with my iPod speakers and set it up to shuffle the playlist I had thrown together last night. After my Monica kick last night, I was really kind of in the mood for some R&B divas to workout to this morning, so I threw together this playlist of fabulous urban dance music. It included “Just Fine” by Mary J. Blige, “Sweet Dreams” by Beyonce, “Fergalicious” by Fergie, “Rude Boy” by Rihanna and a variety of other hot R&B dance tracks by Missy Elliott, Monica, Brandy, Jennifer Hudson, Kristinia Debarge, Keri Hilson, Black Eyed Peas, etc. It worked out really well for the workout. It was a pretty intense workout today. I don’t know if it was the fact that I hadn’t done it in a week or the fact that I was so congested or what, but it really wore me out this morning. I also pushed myself harder than I have a lot of the times when we have done this workout. It was really good, but I was glad when it was over. My Mom and I discussed it and we both kind of agreed that we are really determined and dedicated to losing weight and have agreed to stop screwing around and really focus on it. My goal is to lose 6-8 pant sizes, so I can fit into some Calvin Klein jeans. As I’ve said all along, fashion is my inspiration in this whole thing, and it is the greatest motivator I can think of.
Speaking of fashion, I decided that since I had missed half of last Thursday and last Friday this day was kind of my “comeback” at work and I should dress accordingly. I wore the white Kenneth Cole polo shirt I had picked up at Burlington a couple weeks ago with black slacks and my dress shoes. I wore my green Maybelline eyeshadow duo, Ivy Icon, with the black/gold glitter Christian Siriano shadow I got for a really light but serious look on my eyes, and I felt like I was looking pretty damn fabulous. Of course, it didn’t take long for my Mom to point out that you could clearly see my nipples through my shirt. I didn’t care, though. I figure there is nothing wrong with being slightly “provocative” every now and then. I am kidding of course, but I figured it wasn’t noticeable enough to change. Besides, the Kenneth Cole polo is gorgeous and I really wanted to wear it, so I threw caution (not to mention my nipples) to the wind and left the house. I didn’t even take a jacket with me today, which I discovered on my lunch break was a terrible idea as I was freezing and my nipples were then poking out. Oh well, though, I still looked good. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel very good. My congestion only got worse as the day wore on and the effects of the bad night of sleep set in pretty quickly after I got to work. I will just say, it wasn’t the best day ever.
After finishing “How To Make Someone Love You Forever In 90 Minutes Or Less” last week, I started reading a book called “The Secret.” Not “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, which I have based a good chunk of my life around, but “The Secret” by Michael Berg, of the Berg family who founded the Kabbalah Centre International. Of course, Michael Berg’s “The Secret” is a pretty similar concept to Rhonda Byrne’s, except less self-serving. Basically, it discusses focusing on the things we want out of life but that in order to achieve those things we have to transform ourselves into beings of sharing, and as we share with others the Creator or the Universe will share with us. I like this idea much more than Rhonda Byrne’s because it just seems like there has to be some sort of accountability in life and we can’t just be focused solely on ourselves when there is so much going wrong in the world. This concept kind of ties in with the book I started reading today after finishing “The Secret.” “The Science Of Getting Rich” by Wallace Wattles. This is the book that actually inspired Rhonda Byrne to write “The Secret” and basically expresses the exact same concept as “The Secret,” except it is solely based on money. Again, unlike Rhonda Byrne’s “The Secret,” this book does encourage charitable acts and, even more, advises that money is there to help us to become the best versions of ourselves we can possibly be, and becoming our very best is the best way that we can make a difference in this world. One thing that I find very inspiring about this book is how much it discourages competitiveness. It seems like people have a tendency to get so focused on competing with each other and really get caught up in the concept of, “if this person gets this money/attention/whatever else, that means there is less for me to have.” This book basically teaches that there is no limit to what can be had out there and there is no need for us to feel any form of envy or competition with others, or any ill will towards those who have good things happen to them. I love that whole idea, although I will admit, it is something I still have a good deal of work to do on. It really reminds me of this song by Natasha Bedingfield, called “Pirate Bones,” that says, “It's not worth having if it's too much to hold, You can dig so deep that you're left with a hole, Thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold. Don't wanna end up like pirate bones, What I thought was precious was just a pile of stones, I might have the treasure but I'll be lying alone, Just a pile of pirate bones. If I forfeit my soul it ain't worth having, if it's something I stole it ain't worth having.” It’s so true that when we are greedy and fight tooth and nail for money or material things, they are really not worth having. This is one of the parts of human nature that I feel most urgently needs to be corrected. Of course, as Jewel said, “What we call human nature in actuality is human habit.” How do you correct the world’s collective habit, though? Lead by example, I suppose. Like the Dalai Llama said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Let me stop speaking in quotes.
When I got home this evening I did something I probably shouldn’t have, but that I simply couldn’t resist. I downloaded some porn. Not just any porn, though. Porn starring a reality star – not some unauthorized sex tape, but a reality star making the conscious decision to say, “You know what I’m going to do? Make some porn!” It was done with a big name gay porn studio and everything. Steven Daigle, who was on season 10 of one of my favorite reality shows, “Big Brother,” is now making porn with Chi Chi LaRue, and I am not going to lie here – it’s impressive. I don’t understand why more reality stars don’t make that jump on purpose. It seems like a much more feasible way to make the foray from being reality star famous to a much more lucrative and higher level version of fame. After all, for every Jacinda Barrett, (who went from the “Real World London” to legitimate and brilliant Hollywood actress,) there is about 15 Nikki McKibbins, (from “American Idol,” who successfully made her way into a spot on “Celebrity Rehab.”) It just seems like so few of them are going to make it in ACTUAL Hollywood that it would only make sense to take the short drive to the Valley where so many major porn studios are and make a name for themselves in that way. I mean, if I were on a reality show I don’t think I would make that leap but for people who are clearly “the type” and clearly desperate for fame, it seems like a really logical option. Anyway, the Steven Daigle porn gets two thumbs up from me! It was all very cleverly put together and he is just a really appealing guy, not to mention being hot.
So, I posted on Facebook earlier in the day that the most exciting part of this day was the fact that there was a new episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” on tonight. Well, after my Mom got home and we ate leftover spaghetti for dinner, we sat down to watch the new episode and found nothing but a re-run. That was enough to cap off this day. I already felt like shit, was cold and had my nipples on display all day, but not getting my RuPaul fix was just enough to make me ready for this day to end. I am really exhausted, actually. I took some Nyquil in hopes of waking up in the morning less congested and feeling better than I did today. I also intend to take some Dayquil when I wake up and hopefully tomorrow I will feel better than I did today. It is now 11:40pm, though, and I should really get to sleep. Like I said, I am ready for this day to end and to start a new, much better one. Goodnight.
Chapter 115: Getaway
I woke up this morning feeling fine – FINALLY! It was about time that happened! It was about 9:30am and my Mom was at work doing overtime to make up for her missed time at the beginning of last week. Too bad I don’t have a way to make up for my time. Fortunately, I have money to make up for what will be missing from my check – it still sucks, though. So much for extra money, eh? I can’t really say that, though, because I have been spending extra money like gangbusters lately. So, I had extra money that I spent. I got some pretty awesome stuff, too. No need to get upset that the rest of this isn’t extra any longer. Of course, the extra $100 I had planned to set aside for my music lessons isn’t exactly set aside still, (at least not in it’s entirety,) but I will manage just fine. It works out really well that my first lesson is free, I suppose. I am just putting my faith in the Universe that I am going to be fine to get by until the following paycheck, which will be a full one. It is as simple as not spending money the way I have been recently while I had extra. Plus, like I mentioned before, I got some really awesome stuff with the extra money I had, (the most awesome of which will be discussed later,) and am really grateful for it. I am also really grateful to FINALLY be feeling better.
So, can you guess what I did for the first little while after waking up? If you said, “Obsessively played ‘Sorority Life’ on Facebook,” you were correct. That game is a mess and I need to learn to leave it alone. Fortunately, since tomorrow I have to actually go back to work, I should have no problem weaning myself off of it. I wound up playing around with that and other things online until around 11-11:30am, when I decided it would probably be a good idea to get showered and shaved and looking my best. I took a nice long shower and took my time shaving and such, which reminded me of exactly why I had decided to do it in the evenings. I really think I am going to try to go back to that plan. We’ll see how it goes this time. After that I got dressed and sat down to do makeup for the day – I wore my favorite blue DKNY shirt and used my new blue Maybelline eyeshadow I picked up last night – Navy Narcissist is what it’s called and what I was feeling like afterwards because I was like, “I LOOK GORGEOUS!” I also used that under eye serum I picked up, as well. It was pretty weird, honestly. It tightened up the skin under my eyes and felt very odd. It did look pretty decent, but it was clearly meant for wrinkles more than dark circles. I gave it to my Mom because she had expressed interest in it when I bought it and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be using it regularly. It just felt too weird. Shortly after I finished with makeup and everything, I got a call from Rachel saying she’d be over in about 30 minutes. My Mom came home a few minutes later, so I hung out talking to her for a few until Rachel showed up and we left the house.
As soon as Rachel got to the house, pretty much the first thing I said to her was, “We need a Starbucks run!” Fortunately, she agreed. She also mentioned lunch, so we decided to find food and coffee before heading out to the beach for the Arts & Crafts Festival. We headed downtown to the Starbucks by Whole Foods and decided to do lunch at Whole Foods, as well. We both decided to try some of their organic sushi, complete with brown rice. We carried that over to Starbucks and decided to sit and eat in there. There was an adorable guy working at the Starbucks there who seemed to be keeping his eye on me the whole time we were there. This is a plus because, even though I didn’t actually talk to him much or anything, it kind of shows that there is interest from the type of guys that I am attracted to. I mean, I suppose I can never be certain that he was checking me out but there are certain telltale signs people give off, and he was definitely giving them. It may sound silly, but I have been kind of curious/concerned about whether or not the types of guys I would be interested in would share that interest. I haven’t noticed it much because I haven’t really spent any time looking for the past year and a half or two years. I always just kind of dismissed the idea of any sort of involvement with boys, so I didn’t spend any time considering where I would garner interest. I have always had a tendency to “date up” looks-wise but have also lost the will to use some of the tactics I have in the past. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but basically I am in a place where if I am going to even consider pursuing a relationship with somebody I am going to show them the real me and not paint a picture of myself that isn’t entirely realistic to try to draw them in, as I have in the past. Anyway, so this cute boy at Starbucks checking me out kind of made me feel better about that whole idea. I was less concerned about that, though, than about hanging out with Rachel and enjoying a tasty lunch downtown. After we finished, we walked back to the car and headed out to Lido Key. On the way out there, I took some pictures going over the bridge. I had my camera out for a bulk of the time we were out on Lido, actually, and took a few pictures. They weren’t the best pictures in the world, but I was feeling pretty inspired.
We had this thought that because of the Arts & Crafts festival taking place by the parking lot of the beach, we would probably not be able to find parking there. So, we parked at the entrance of the beach and walked over to the parking lot, which was a good distance. It was fine, though, because it felt really nice to just be out in the sun, walking along the beach and just chatting it up. Of course, while we walked we kept noticing open parking spaces on the street and once we got to the parking lot found it pretty empty. Then we saw the Arts & Crafts festival. It was tiny. It probably took us 15 minutes to walk through the entire thing, including stopping to look at things. Every booth seemed to be run by some geriatric who took some stones and attached them to a string and wanted to charge $30 for them. It was really kind of a bust. It was still good to go out there and check things out, though. It also made me think more about the concept of hand painting some clothes because if I did I could easily get a booth at something like that and sell them. Plus, if I didn’t charge like they did there, they could very well be a hit. I love the idea of doing that. I love the idea of one of a kind, hand painted clothes that I made myself. This is definitely something I intend to look into because I think I could do some really cool things with it. Designing clothing is still something I really think I could pull off and do something really cool with, and I think hand painting would be a really cool place to start. All in all, it was a pretty awesome day out on Lido with Rachel. The thing I liked the best was just being out amongst people, which I haven’t done much of in a while. It was really nice to just say hello to people as we passed along the beach or in Whole Foods or whatever, or briefly chatting with the baristas at Starbucks or whatever. I miss the simple act of interacting with people aside from the ones I see every day of my life. I definitely think I need to do more of that. Another thing that Rachel and I discussed while we were out was the Lady Gaga Flash Mob and our shared excitement over it. I am really looking forward to it. We were both kind of concerned with the fact that there are still only 9 confirmed guests for the event and have decided that we totally need to “word of mouth” it a lot more in the time remaining. I really think it is going to be amazing no matter how many people show up. Plus, it is in the same plaza as this awesome little sushi place I love, so we figured we’d do dinner afterwards. I am really excited for this. It will definitely be a good time.
Rachel dropped me off at home around 4:30pm and my Mom had gone on a cleaning spree while I was gone. The house was all spic and span looking and she had even made spaghetti. We watched last night’s “Saturday Night Live” with host and musical guest Jennifer Lopez, which wasn’t overly impressive. The thing that stuck out the most was Jennifer Lopez’s musical performances. She sang two brand new songs that I had never heard before, “Pieces” and “Starting Over,” both of which were a completely different style from her usual fare, and both really gorgeous songs. Sadly, what was not as gorgeous was her live vocal. I was optimistic and initially tried to say, “Oh well, it was just one bad note.” Unfortunately, it was a whole series of bad notes, though. It was just bad. I’m sure the songs, both very well written, guitar-based pop songs, will be gorgeous in their studio versions but live they were a big mess. I can’t say it is a huge surprise or anything – there are artists who never tour or anything for a very good reason. She has never done more than one-off performances and such, and now I can kind of see why. Still, she does make good music when her vocals are corrected in the studio. Sadly, from what I understand, she was recently dropped from Sony and these performances were kind of critical to showcasing her new music to labels and such, and I don’t know if they will wind up being much help. At the same time, though, she is Jennifer Lopez and that will likely wind up being enough to get her a deal with another label. Plus, like I said, they were both really strong songs – they just weren’t sung by a really strong voice. I’m sure she’ll get a deal just fine, and I hope she does soon because I have been really anxious to hear her new record and this whole label dropping thing has delayed it for God knows how long.
I also spent a good portion of this afternoon watching and waiting for my last Ebay auction to end. I had the two, for a MAC eyeshadow trio designed by Heatherette and a pair of Van’s designed by Richie Rich, (from Heatherette,) that were set to end today. I wound up being outbid on the eyeshadow yesterday and did not re-bid because I figured it was wiser not to spend the money on that. The Richie Rich Van’s, on the other hand, I completely fell in love with and was determined to have. I watched like a hawk all evening and, around 7:20pm, wound up winning them for $32.01. I had initially had a maximum bid of $31.01 in, but since I was going out and such, I had raised it to $40.00 just in case. Fortunately, they only went for $1 more than my initial maximum bid and they are now paid for and should be coming sometime in the next week. They are the most gorgeous shoes possible, and I cannot wait to get them on my feet!
Despite the fact that I am feeling better now, I was pretty worn out at this point. This was less sickness-related, though, and more about the fact that I was exposed to more sun today than I probably have been in the past month, if not longer. Still, it was a really nice feeling being out in the sun. It may have tired me out, but it was definitely worth it. I had a lot of fun today. While winding down this evening I got this urge, and I’m not sure where it came from exactly, to listen to Monica. You know, “The Boy Is Mine,” “Don’t Take It Personal (Just One Of Dem Days,)” “So Gone,” Monica? I have always been a pretty big fan of hers, but hadn’t really listened to her much in recent times. So, I downloaded all of her albums and added them to my iPod this evening and have been listening to her while writing this blog. I also found a bunch of new music that has leaked off of her new album, “Still Standing,” which there apparently was a whole reality show around, called “Monica: Still Standing.” This show has since ended, and I am very sad that I didn’t know about it in time to watch it. She is a very talented girl and, even more, has a very interesting story – including her boyfriend having committed suicide right in front of her, which inspired my favorite song of hers, “I Wrote This Song.” There is this one song from her last album, “The Makings Of Me,” called “Getaway,” that I had heard before but never really paid attention to until I heard it tonight. The chorus of this song says, “Sometimes I wish I could hide away, Looking for a place to getaway, Getaway from all the heartache and pain that life can bring, I really don't want to sound like I can't hold my ground, But everybody needs some time that they can getaway.” Those lyrics really stuck out to me tonight. I think I have spent the past little while in that mode – trying to getaway from it all. That time is over now, though. The time for getting away from my hopes and dreams because of fear is in the past. Now is the time for going full speed ahead and doing whatever it takes to get to where I need to be. Now is the time for music. It is the time for fashion. It is the time for art. Now is the time for me to create a masterpiece – create a masterpiece artistically but, even more, create a masterpiece out of my life. I see a lump of clay and I know what it is meant to be – now is the time to start shaping it to exactly what I want it to be!
So, can you guess what I did for the first little while after waking up? If you said, “Obsessively played ‘Sorority Life’ on Facebook,” you were correct. That game is a mess and I need to learn to leave it alone. Fortunately, since tomorrow I have to actually go back to work, I should have no problem weaning myself off of it. I wound up playing around with that and other things online until around 11-11:30am, when I decided it would probably be a good idea to get showered and shaved and looking my best. I took a nice long shower and took my time shaving and such, which reminded me of exactly why I had decided to do it in the evenings. I really think I am going to try to go back to that plan. We’ll see how it goes this time. After that I got dressed and sat down to do makeup for the day – I wore my favorite blue DKNY shirt and used my new blue Maybelline eyeshadow I picked up last night – Navy Narcissist is what it’s called and what I was feeling like afterwards because I was like, “I LOOK GORGEOUS!” I also used that under eye serum I picked up, as well. It was pretty weird, honestly. It tightened up the skin under my eyes and felt very odd. It did look pretty decent, but it was clearly meant for wrinkles more than dark circles. I gave it to my Mom because she had expressed interest in it when I bought it and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be using it regularly. It just felt too weird. Shortly after I finished with makeup and everything, I got a call from Rachel saying she’d be over in about 30 minutes. My Mom came home a few minutes later, so I hung out talking to her for a few until Rachel showed up and we left the house.
As soon as Rachel got to the house, pretty much the first thing I said to her was, “We need a Starbucks run!” Fortunately, she agreed. She also mentioned lunch, so we decided to find food and coffee before heading out to the beach for the Arts & Crafts Festival. We headed downtown to the Starbucks by Whole Foods and decided to do lunch at Whole Foods, as well. We both decided to try some of their organic sushi, complete with brown rice. We carried that over to Starbucks and decided to sit and eat in there. There was an adorable guy working at the Starbucks there who seemed to be keeping his eye on me the whole time we were there. This is a plus because, even though I didn’t actually talk to him much or anything, it kind of shows that there is interest from the type of guys that I am attracted to. I mean, I suppose I can never be certain that he was checking me out but there are certain telltale signs people give off, and he was definitely giving them. It may sound silly, but I have been kind of curious/concerned about whether or not the types of guys I would be interested in would share that interest. I haven’t noticed it much because I haven’t really spent any time looking for the past year and a half or two years. I always just kind of dismissed the idea of any sort of involvement with boys, so I didn’t spend any time considering where I would garner interest. I have always had a tendency to “date up” looks-wise but have also lost the will to use some of the tactics I have in the past. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but basically I am in a place where if I am going to even consider pursuing a relationship with somebody I am going to show them the real me and not paint a picture of myself that isn’t entirely realistic to try to draw them in, as I have in the past. Anyway, so this cute boy at Starbucks checking me out kind of made me feel better about that whole idea. I was less concerned about that, though, than about hanging out with Rachel and enjoying a tasty lunch downtown. After we finished, we walked back to the car and headed out to Lido Key. On the way out there, I took some pictures going over the bridge. I had my camera out for a bulk of the time we were out on Lido, actually, and took a few pictures. They weren’t the best pictures in the world, but I was feeling pretty inspired.
We had this thought that because of the Arts & Crafts festival taking place by the parking lot of the beach, we would probably not be able to find parking there. So, we parked at the entrance of the beach and walked over to the parking lot, which was a good distance. It was fine, though, because it felt really nice to just be out in the sun, walking along the beach and just chatting it up. Of course, while we walked we kept noticing open parking spaces on the street and once we got to the parking lot found it pretty empty. Then we saw the Arts & Crafts festival. It was tiny. It probably took us 15 minutes to walk through the entire thing, including stopping to look at things. Every booth seemed to be run by some geriatric who took some stones and attached them to a string and wanted to charge $30 for them. It was really kind of a bust. It was still good to go out there and check things out, though. It also made me think more about the concept of hand painting some clothes because if I did I could easily get a booth at something like that and sell them. Plus, if I didn’t charge like they did there, they could very well be a hit. I love the idea of doing that. I love the idea of one of a kind, hand painted clothes that I made myself. This is definitely something I intend to look into because I think I could do some really cool things with it. Designing clothing is still something I really think I could pull off and do something really cool with, and I think hand painting would be a really cool place to start. All in all, it was a pretty awesome day out on Lido with Rachel. The thing I liked the best was just being out amongst people, which I haven’t done much of in a while. It was really nice to just say hello to people as we passed along the beach or in Whole Foods or whatever, or briefly chatting with the baristas at Starbucks or whatever. I miss the simple act of interacting with people aside from the ones I see every day of my life. I definitely think I need to do more of that. Another thing that Rachel and I discussed while we were out was the Lady Gaga Flash Mob and our shared excitement over it. I am really looking forward to it. We were both kind of concerned with the fact that there are still only 9 confirmed guests for the event and have decided that we totally need to “word of mouth” it a lot more in the time remaining. I really think it is going to be amazing no matter how many people show up. Plus, it is in the same plaza as this awesome little sushi place I love, so we figured we’d do dinner afterwards. I am really excited for this. It will definitely be a good time.
Rachel dropped me off at home around 4:30pm and my Mom had gone on a cleaning spree while I was gone. The house was all spic and span looking and she had even made spaghetti. We watched last night’s “Saturday Night Live” with host and musical guest Jennifer Lopez, which wasn’t overly impressive. The thing that stuck out the most was Jennifer Lopez’s musical performances. She sang two brand new songs that I had never heard before, “Pieces” and “Starting Over,” both of which were a completely different style from her usual fare, and both really gorgeous songs. Sadly, what was not as gorgeous was her live vocal. I was optimistic and initially tried to say, “Oh well, it was just one bad note.” Unfortunately, it was a whole series of bad notes, though. It was just bad. I’m sure the songs, both very well written, guitar-based pop songs, will be gorgeous in their studio versions but live they were a big mess. I can’t say it is a huge surprise or anything – there are artists who never tour or anything for a very good reason. She has never done more than one-off performances and such, and now I can kind of see why. Still, she does make good music when her vocals are corrected in the studio. Sadly, from what I understand, she was recently dropped from Sony and these performances were kind of critical to showcasing her new music to labels and such, and I don’t know if they will wind up being much help. At the same time, though, she is Jennifer Lopez and that will likely wind up being enough to get her a deal with another label. Plus, like I said, they were both really strong songs – they just weren’t sung by a really strong voice. I’m sure she’ll get a deal just fine, and I hope she does soon because I have been really anxious to hear her new record and this whole label dropping thing has delayed it for God knows how long.
I also spent a good portion of this afternoon watching and waiting for my last Ebay auction to end. I had the two, for a MAC eyeshadow trio designed by Heatherette and a pair of Van’s designed by Richie Rich, (from Heatherette,) that were set to end today. I wound up being outbid on the eyeshadow yesterday and did not re-bid because I figured it was wiser not to spend the money on that. The Richie Rich Van’s, on the other hand, I completely fell in love with and was determined to have. I watched like a hawk all evening and, around 7:20pm, wound up winning them for $32.01. I had initially had a maximum bid of $31.01 in, but since I was going out and such, I had raised it to $40.00 just in case. Fortunately, they only went for $1 more than my initial maximum bid and they are now paid for and should be coming sometime in the next week. They are the most gorgeous shoes possible, and I cannot wait to get them on my feet!
Despite the fact that I am feeling better now, I was pretty worn out at this point. This was less sickness-related, though, and more about the fact that I was exposed to more sun today than I probably have been in the past month, if not longer. Still, it was a really nice feeling being out in the sun. It may have tired me out, but it was definitely worth it. I had a lot of fun today. While winding down this evening I got this urge, and I’m not sure where it came from exactly, to listen to Monica. You know, “The Boy Is Mine,” “Don’t Take It Personal (Just One Of Dem Days,)” “So Gone,” Monica? I have always been a pretty big fan of hers, but hadn’t really listened to her much in recent times. So, I downloaded all of her albums and added them to my iPod this evening and have been listening to her while writing this blog. I also found a bunch of new music that has leaked off of her new album, “Still Standing,” which there apparently was a whole reality show around, called “Monica: Still Standing.” This show has since ended, and I am very sad that I didn’t know about it in time to watch it. She is a very talented girl and, even more, has a very interesting story – including her boyfriend having committed suicide right in front of her, which inspired my favorite song of hers, “I Wrote This Song.” There is this one song from her last album, “The Makings Of Me,” called “Getaway,” that I had heard before but never really paid attention to until I heard it tonight. The chorus of this song says, “Sometimes I wish I could hide away, Looking for a place to getaway, Getaway from all the heartache and pain that life can bring, I really don't want to sound like I can't hold my ground, But everybody needs some time that they can getaway.” Those lyrics really stuck out to me tonight. I think I have spent the past little while in that mode – trying to getaway from it all. That time is over now, though. The time for getting away from my hopes and dreams because of fear is in the past. Now is the time for going full speed ahead and doing whatever it takes to get to where I need to be. Now is the time for music. It is the time for fashion. It is the time for art. Now is the time for me to create a masterpiece – create a masterpiece artistically but, even more, create a masterpiece out of my life. I see a lump of clay and I know what it is meant to be – now is the time to start shaping it to exactly what I want it to be!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
